Help us make sex at each other pls thx.
January 2, 2015 6:54 AM   Subscribe

My boyfriend of the past 4 months and I are still struggling to have consistently successful sex with each other for a number of reasons and I need suggestions for things we can do to fix it.

Rather than launch into a whole soliloquy here I'll just give the salient details:

Both ~30 years old, I like him, he likes me, there's a lot that's good about this hence why we're still trying. We've been dating 4 months now which is about 4 months longer than I've ever dated a guy with whom the sex is this bad. (We both have a lot of relationship experience prior to this.)

Problem 1: he has trouble keeping an erection. This isn't the end of the world but he hasn't come the whole time we've been sleeping together (since the start) and that's emotionally draining for both of us. His job is in a really precarious place right now and he's said that a large problem is that he's stressed and has trouble getting out of his head. I understand this and am very sympathetic.

Problem 2: I hate to say it but he has a small penis (I am aware of realistic average sizes and his is on the small side of average, this isn't me being a jerk) and it's not really doing it for me. I really really like PIV sex and get off from it more than from other kinds of sex but it's really not working out. Coupled with problem 1 this is even worse. I haven't brought the specifics of this issue up to him.

Problem 3: he just admitted to me last night that the way my vagina smells turns him off. I know this isn't me, he knows this isn't me, it's a me + him thing, and it was obvious he felt terrible saying it out loud but it explains a lot, like why he doesn't enthusiastically go down on me. I...don't even know what to do with this. I take excellent care of my vagina and it always gets good report cards from the doc, so there is literally nothing healthy I can do to improve things in that region. I don't know how to make this work at this point.

So my question here is, with the knowledge of these three issues, what would the hive suggest I do? Obviously boyfriend and I have talked about this but his answers are apologies and "I don't know" and while it's not the biggest deal in the world, the fact that we can't have sex with each other is clearly wearing on us and keeping us from bonding in our relationship.

What can I do to try to help him get out of his head so he can enjoy being in the moment and having sex?
Are there positions that will do better for a small penis and for erectile issues?
I don't even know how to process the smell turning him off thing. Advice?
Are there better questions I can be asking him so we can discuss this more effectively?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (30 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite

 
This is a bummer, but given all of this, I'm thinking it's time to walk away. Here are my answers to your questions:

1. You can't do this. This is all on him. If he's not moving heaven and earth to figure this out, he's not really making it a priority.

2. There are positions for the first part of this question, but it's the second part that's causing the problems. You can have one or the other, but if it's both, it's not going to happen.

3. This isn't your problem to solve. If you're clean and don't have infections, it is what it is. He's kind of an asshole for telling you frankly.

4. At this point he has a full blown reason for seeking sexual counseling. Talking about it more with you won't get either of you anywhere.

My assessment of this is that you have already done a LOT more for this guy than the average bear would have done. He's got serious sexual hang ups that need professional help. This is not a question of you being MORE accommodating than you already are being.

One thing you can do is take sex 100% off the table. Decide that this relationship is so awesome that the sex thing isn't important. If you can do that, great, enjoy your relationship for what it is. If having sex is important to you, and having a good sex life with your partner is part of that, then it may be time to take it on the arches.

There are deal-breakers out there and this kind of thing is one of them. If you decide that you're done trying with him, you're perfectly justified. Here's what you can tell him, "Sweetie, I've enjoyed our time together and we have some basic incompatibilities that indicate that as much as we like each other, I don't think we'd be a good couple together."

You don't have to say it's the sex, but he'll know. Maybe he'll get himself sorted out and get the help he needs, maybe he won't, but frankly, this is for him to resolve, and making it your job is really unfair.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:08 AM on January 2, 2015 [30 favorites]


If someone told me my vagina turned them off, I would be saying "See ya!" Sorry but that's not cool and not a way to start having a good sex life with someone. If I heard that from my partner, I wouldn't be able to stop thinking about it. You deserve someone who thinks your vagina is delicious, given that you enjoy and want oral.

I'm not touching the other stuff because that alone would be a dealbreaker.
posted by Crystalinne at 7:17 AM on January 2, 2015 [20 favorites]


You both need trips to the doctor, ASAP. He needs to be discussing treatments for anxiety and/or erectile dysfunction, you need to be checked for bacterial vaginosis or anything else that could be medically causing a bad smell (because it's very possible that it is a you thing. It also definitely might not be, but rule it out). That is step one and should have happened 3 months ago.

For me, four months of medically crippling anxiety (this can't possibly be the only area of his life it's having an effect on, if it really is an anxiety-based problem) while making no attempt to resolve it would be a deal breaker even regardless of any sex issues, because I have very little patience for people refusing to seek medical help for medical problems, and less patience for people refusing to accept that mental health problems are medical problems. If it's not an anxiety-based problem and he's just using that as an excuse then he needs to man up and talk to a doctor about erectile dysfunction.
posted by brainmouse at 7:19 AM on January 2, 2015 [1 favorite]


while it's not the biggest deal in the world, the fact that we can't have sex with each other is clearly wearing on us and keeping us from bonding in our relationship.

But it is a big deal and it's okay that it is. Liking each other, hell, loving each other is often not enough to get past this if you really need sex in order to have a healthy relationship.

And it's okay if you do, it's not wrong to need that and I think, from what you're saying, it's true.

But healthy vaginas smell like vaginas and that's what they're supposed to smell like. If he's not down with getting down with you, then I think it's more than okay to tell him to boogie on out that door.

It's been 4 months, not a longterm thing. Things aren't supposed to be this difficult this early. It only gets worse from here if you stay. His stonewalling and unwillingness to work with you is a harbinger of worse as this is how he will almost certainly handle any disagreement with you going forward.

Good luck.
posted by inturnaround at 7:20 AM on January 2, 2015 [7 favorites]


I hesitate to say this, but the way someone smells sexually has everything to do with attraction/pheromones. I'm pretty sure there was a study a little while back claiming that if you don't like someone's smell that way, it was nature's way of telling you that your genes shouldn't mix (could be total bunk, but you should google because scientists have looked at why some people smell "good" to us and why others don't, and yeah, different types of compatibility comes into play.) The biggest issue with the sexual aspects of this relationship no one on the internet can fix is his stress levels.

You could totally change your diet (and if you drink, stop drinking) to change your body chemistry/odor. But I'm willing to bet his stress level is effecting his nose the way it is effecting his penis. I've got nothing for the other part of your question.

How do his kisses make you feel? Are you affectionate together otherwise? Is it possible this person should be your good friend, but not your romantic partner? I ask that last question because most of the issues you describe are worth working through when you've been together 10 years and have children together or similar. At 4 months, this is very overwhelming, especially since you can't fix his job for him.

His job issues and high stress are really effecting him. It doesn't sound like he is in a headspace to be in a relationship right now. I'm so sorry.
posted by jbenben at 7:22 AM on January 2, 2015 [19 favorites]


Problem 3: he just admitted to me last night that the way my vagina smells turns him off.

Assuming that there really are no issues there and that outside reviews are positive, is this maybe an indication that in a literal sense the two of you just don't have good chemistry? There are pheromones and other scents, and some people trigger our "oh wow, yum!" response and some people don't. If that chemistry isn't lining up, you aren't going to smell good even straight out of the shower.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:25 AM on January 2, 2015 [12 favorites]


4 months in, the sex sucks, he says he's too stressed to want to pleasure you, AND that he doesn't like the way you smell? This doesn't get better.

Walk away.
posted by kinetic at 7:27 AM on January 2, 2015 [15 favorites]


I was prepared to recommend patience and a therapist for him to deal with the stress/morale issues, but that was when I thought your relationship was worth salvaging. It isn't.

Why you're keeping this guy around if he isn't getting you off? He's had four months to figure out some way to pleasure you, and as a guy myself I'm not sure he gives a shit about your enjoyment. Furthermore, why is he sticking around if he can't get hard with you and doesn't like the way you smell.

If I didn't like the way my wife smelled and tasted, and couldn't get hard with her, I wouldn't have married her. I would have ended the relationship so that we could both find more compatible partners. You should do the same. But if you insist on giving him a parting gift, they make strap-ons for men, too. :)
posted by starbreaker at 7:31 AM on January 2, 2015 [10 favorites]


If I didn't like the way my wife smelled and tasted, and couldn't get hard with her, I wouldn't have married her.

This. The fact that he hasn't broken up with you could mean a few different things: 1) he's gay, but in denial; 2) he doesn't want to hurt your feelings and is passively hoping you'll be the one to break up with him; 3) he really likes you in all other ways but is happy with the way things are, which means that you'll have to decide whether it's a dealbreaker for you. Good luck, this sucks.
posted by Melismata at 7:50 AM on January 2, 2015 [13 favorites]


If you want to stick with this (and I'm with others thinking maybe you just shouldn't) then you guys need to have some sort of good sex in each other's company to sort of get around the corner of ungood sex. So I'd suggest maybe even mutual masturbation or using toys/vibes on each other so that you can have some feelgood times together and maybe be less agita about all this moving forward. Things you haven't mentioned....

- Blowjobs? have you tried them? They're great/easier for smaller guys.
- Pursuant to #1, maybe he needs a cockring or Viagra to get him started? I am with others, the ED thing is a little on him to pursue though it's nice of you to want to help out. He has to get out of his own head and you can help by providing a low-stress atmosphere but if he's blaming work, that is on him.
- Smallness can be improved with toys, the usual positions that you can google, and sort of deciding it's not an issue
- Is it possible that this guy is sort of young? That whole "Your smell turns me off" is really not a thing that I'd expect to hear from someone who is trying to work on things, unless maybe he feels in some way defensive. It's just a weird non-constructive thing to say. The usual advice is shave/trim and make sure you don't have some sort of medical issue you don't know about but I'm with other people: who says that?

So you didn't ask but my armchair analysis is that you guys may have a great connection but the sex thing isn't working for either one of you either because you're both sort of anxious and/or trying hard to MAKE it work when maybe there's an intellectual spark but no physical one? I've definitely been there. Love being naked and snuggling but never really get to the "Hey let's do this!" level of things and thing just limp along for a while. So advice given that you'd like to make it work are start having a lot of naked no-sex time together to just enjoy each other's bodies and unwind more. Shower together. Backrubs and whatever. Maybe a drink or two (not more) or some other mood-elevators. Revisit the sex thing when some time has passed. See if he's making real progress on working on the work thing and not just using it as an excuse. No orgasm in four months is a different situation than ED. Does he masturbate? Look at porn? Does he have a libido generally? Are you sure he's into you in that way?

Best of luck, I know this sort of thing is annoying because the more you TRY the less sexy it can seem to be. Keep us posted.
posted by jessamyn at 7:56 AM on January 2, 2015 [3 favorites]


I suspect he's made up #3 as a way to take the heat off #1.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:04 AM on January 2, 2015 [16 favorites]


I have to agree with the consensus. The existence of problem 2 and problem 3 at the same time is bad enough. But I really don't like how you're polite enough to not mention 2 but he's rude enough to mention 3. It makes it sound like you're doing all the work in this relationship and that's not fair.
posted by bleep at 8:15 AM on January 2, 2015 [13 favorites]


1. This is an issue and can easily spiral out of control on his part, as not being able to perform can you make one feel like a failure, keeps cycling around in one's head. Best advice is to just take getting erection and coming off the table. Just cuddle or take showers/baths together and just be sensual with no expectation of it going anywhere.

2. You have a specific preference and he can't fill it. You can try other things, different positions, toys etc. But this probably won't get better, 'cause you like what you like.

3. Presumably you could change your diet or use scented oils, but this is probably a big turn off for you and you'll always have the thought in the back of your head that he thinks your pussy smells. Hello boner killer!

You two have terrible sexual chemistry, literally. Just end this as amicably as possible, so you two can go find people you're compatible with. Because the current situation sounds like pure hell and you two will wind up resenting each other at the various least. Quit while you're ahead and maybe you can salvage a friendship out of all this.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:29 AM on January 2, 2015 [4 favorites]


Sorry, but with this many problems I don't think sex is ever going to work out for you two.

If good sex is important to either you or him then you should break up to free yourselves up to meet more compatible people.
posted by Jacqueline at 8:32 AM on January 2, 2015


So I actually think that the relationship is salvageable, but it will take a lot of work - and I mean, honest, emotional labor type work on both of your parts.

Erections and penis size are a big deal for masculinity for many men. If he has a smaller than average penis, he's probably aware of it - men show their penises to each other more than women show their vaginas to each other. If he's unable to maintain an erection, he's probably also aware of it. He's also probably aware that he's not doing it for you sexually. This is probably adding to the devastating toll his stress is already creating, making a cycle where this is very difficult to work.

Some men handle this badly - by finding any tiny flaw or tiny thing that they can raise about the woman, and making it about her, rather than about their own problems. This is often because it's really hard to admit that you are a failure as a man - which is not what many of us think, but it is often what these kinds of guys think, because they have been told that by culture multiple times.

You need to have an honest discussion about this.

If you want technical assistance, some things you can try:

1) sizewise, is his problem girth or length? Girth is fixable through insertible toys like the Wevibe, which adds fullness, which is often the thing that kills size-problem sex. Positioning yourself on your knees while he tries from behind also helps to kind of artificially multiply his size.

2) If the problem is length or both, have you tried using a vibrator on yourself while he is having sex with you? The vibrations also help to make your pleasure more intense, and sometimes get you to the first orgasm - after which it's easier to get them.

3) If he has problems with oral sex, would he have problems with using his fingers or an insertible penis-shaped vibrator combo on you? Starting with that may again make the rest of sex easier, as well as helping him be more turned on and feel like he is actually satisfying you, which may help with the erections.
posted by corb at 9:02 AM on January 2, 2015 [2 favorites]


Criticism is often a sign that we are not happy with a similar aspect of ourselves. His criticism of your vagina is likely because he's angry at his junk and if he's not happy with his penis, you aren't allowed to be happy with your vagina. So he has attempted to make you even in the discontent department through his comments. This is a shitty thing for a boyfriend to do.
posted by cecic at 9:11 AM on January 2, 2015 [9 favorites]


What can I do to try to help him get out of his head so he can enjoy being in the moment and having sex?

Well, you could do all the work, make it all about him, and put aside your own frustrations with his hang-ups and lack of effort, but why should you? Life is short. Bounce.
posted by prize bull octorok at 9:31 AM on January 2, 2015 [5 favorites]


What can I do to try to help him get out of his head so he can enjoy being in the moment and having sex?

That's more on him than it is on you, and has to do with him working on his stuff outside the bedroom.

Are there positions that will do better for a small penis and for erectile issues?

Not sure about the first, but for the second: what is his absolute hands-down favourite way to fuck? What constitutes an ideal sexual encounter for him? And how are those two questions answered for you? Perhaps you can both try writing the answers to those things--in detail--and then reading them privately. Then each of you write out what seems like a way to hit all your important points, get together, and find the midpoint between what you have each written.

If erections are a problem, the usual advice is to drop PIV sex for now. Focus on sensual touching and mutual masturbation. Has he had a full medical workup to rule out biological causes? Does he masturbate? Does he have erections in his sleep/upon waking?

I don't even know how to process the smell turning him off thing. Advice?

That is entirely his problem, though I guess you could both have a shower together as part of the runup to your sexytimes. (I am not saying vaginas are dirty.)

Penis size isn't correlated with anything; it's a valueless thing about you that is no different than nose size (although we attach a lot of baggage to it). He doesn't sound sex- or woman-negative--not everyone smells the same, and nobody is going to like the way everyone smells. That isn't to say he shouldn't try to get over it, but it's not evidence of negativity.

There's this myth that SEX is only SEX if there is a big rock hard dick that's ready at a moment's notice, that only goes soft when ordered to. It's pernicious and highly damaging to men (there are lots of sexual myths that are highly damaging to women as well, obvs; please don't think I am ignoring those) who are below average in terms of size and/or who have erectile issues. Most likely he's a guy in his thirties with a bunch of stuff on his mind, which may or may not include ambivalence about the relationship, which leads to failure, which turns into a terrible spiral. I would absolutely keep not bringing up penis size--it is not something he can reasonably do anything about changing, and I promise you he knows he has a small penis. (By the same token I really don't think he should have said anything about your clean and healthy vagina.)

Honestly, unless this is the only area of your relationship where it's less than sunshine and unicorns farting glitter, I think it may be time to consider that four months isn't a long time, and is far too short a time to be having to do a whole lot of work to make the relationship happen. It's okay for sex to be a dealbreaker. It's okay to say "We've tried this for four months and it's not working."

If you do want to work on this together, it's time to bring in a professional sex therapist. Non-monogamy/monogamish arrangements might also be worth exploring, but to me it really sounds like this is going to be a lot more headache and heartache than it's worth.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:32 AM on January 2, 2015 [1 favorite]


Oh, I will also note on return that some guys actually don't know what a clean healthy vagina smells like, especially if they've been with ladies that have douched. He may actually think vaginas are supposed to smell like Summer Rain or what have you.
posted by corb at 9:35 AM on January 2, 2015 [3 favorites]


Small penis: check.
Problems maintaining an erection with a new girlfriend: check.

I had problems maintaining an erection when I started dating a new girlfriend during my mid/late 20s. The problem was psychological, I was too self-conscious and embarrassed about the small penis thing. I felt very anxious about my performance. It was always clear to me that talking about it would worsen the problem. I guess that if my girlfriend explicitly confirmed that the penis size was a problem, I would be devastated.

Luckily for me, she never mentioned it and was very patient.

Except for penetration, I tried to pleasure her in every possible way.

The problem was eventually solved once I started jogging everyday. Doing physical exercise regularly reduced my stress levels and increased my sex drive.

We are still together, almost 10 years have gone by, the sex is great.
posted by volitional78 at 9:58 AM on January 2, 2015 [8 favorites]


Well, if it helps at all, about 15 years ago a guy I really liked and whom I thought was hilariously funny and with whom I thought I had great chemistry told me during our third or so make-out session that my "bush" was "kinda gross" and that I should never expect him to go down on me. (True story. I've got a million of them. Don't be like me.)

Except this ONE time, a miracle happened. I actually told him that was his prerogative, stopped making out with him, and never went on a date with him again.

When I think about him now, I feel nothing at all. I just think, wow. That guy was all kinds of fucked up about sex and I really - for once - saved myself a lot of unnecessary shame by having the courage to stick up for my body, demand better for myself and walk away from at least one poor fool who was projecting his shit onto me, or who was a closet case, or who just wasn't mature enough to have sex with an actual woman and not an idea or notion of what women are supposed to be.

It's been four months and he doesn't like your vagina and he can't come. You don't need to go into therapy with this guy. Your vagina is not a problem. His reaction to your vagina and his feelings about his inability to maintain an erection are his problems. You can't fix this. Wish him well and move on.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 10:02 AM on January 2, 2015 [34 favorites]


What can I do to try to help him get out of his head so he can enjoy being in the moment and having sex?

I don't know, but I kind of think it's on him to figure out how to be mentally/emotionally available during sex. If he can't enjoy a woman enough to be focused and present with her during sexy intimate times, then really that's on him to figure out for himself (not for him to passively pass the buck on to whomever he happens to be with and let it become "her" problem).

Maybe the truth is as obvious as it appears: he can't enjoy being in the moment and having sex.

Are there positions that will do better for a small penis and for erectile issues?

Yes, but if this is as important to him as it is to you, why isn't he already on top of it (pun intended, I guess)? I foresee you pouring a whole bunch of energy into "solving" this problem for him, when it doesn't sound like he's motivated to solve it himself because he doesn't even see it as a solvable. It does, however, sound like he sees your smell/body as a fixable problem, so be careful here, because it may be that what positions you come up with will never matter, so long as he has to smell your body while doing it... get my drift?

I don't even know how to process the smell turning him off thing. Advice?

Here's where I offer my anecdotal advice from my own 3.5-year relationship from my late 20s with a guy who I felt had a smaller-than-average penis (like you, not trying to be rude, but it *was* on the small side of average). I was totally polite enough to not make unnecessary light of it, and he was totally *impolite* enough to let me know (after 3 years) it wasn't just my vaginal smell that was such a turn-off and the biggest reason why he could not feel sexually comfortable with me, but my smell point blank. *Baggage alert*: for the last six months of that relationship, I took to scrubbing my f&*king armpits at least once a day because I got so self-conscious about turning him off from just sitting next to him with my repugnant smell. I realize he probably wasn't intending to be emotionally abusive, but in the end that's what it became for me... I'd go to the bathroom to scrub my pits as soon as I got home so I wouldn't risk him tensing up with disgust when I'd go to hug him. Believe me, this wasn't excessive of me because he would VERY clearly (and with increasing rudeness over time) let me know if my disgusting smell was not managed well enough for him that day.

And through that, we tried alternative sex positions. I can clearly remember the one evening when finally we found a position that worked for me. I remember thinking, FINALLY, deeply thrilled that if we could work with this, then maybe this relationship could work... except that it was never going to work, because he deliberately never fucked me like that again. I called him on it and point blank asked why? His words: because of your smell.

During the course of our breakup, I came to the conclusion that he was seriously conditioned to feel turned off by the smell/sensation/experience of a woman being turned on, and that he was blissfully unaware of it. I also think he internalized a lot of shame messages about sexuality growing up, and came to believe that the less visibly aroused a person was during sex, the more civilized they were. And because he valued his intellectual functioning so highly (which was part of my initial attraction to him), he was purely unmotivated to alter any aspect of his sexual functioning if he had any sense that it would "take away" from his ability to intellectually perform.

Are there better questions I can be asking him so we can discuss this more effectively?

Ask him if he's ever been with someone who's smell he liked. Ask him if liking someone's smell is even important to him, or if it's just something he prefers to never have to notice. Ask him if he thinks it's possible to be a sexually fulfilled person who is comfortable in their own body, and a dignified human being at the same time?

But really, as far as I'm concerned, he has to decide for himself that dating women he finds physically/biochemically unattractive/unarousing to his body is a problem. If he sounds anything like my ex as described above, I'd strongly advise to cut your losses and move on. Any guilt you have for calling quits will be wonderfully alleviated by being with a man who delights in your odor and adores you for it. Thank you too for the chance to share that story; I sincerely hope it helps bring some clarity to your situation.
posted by human ecologist at 10:23 AM on January 2, 2015 [11 favorites]


This is what platonic friendship is for. (Well, not really... most platonic friends aren't incompatible sex partners; but that's one way to get there.) He's not into what you've got going on; and you're not into what he's got going on. You can like someone and not be compatible at all in the sack.
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:39 AM on January 2, 2015 [2 favorites]


I suspect he's made up #3 as a way to take the heat off #1.

OP, please take your BF's statements at face value.

Having said that, first, he needs some help with the ED, maybe its viagra, maybe its talk therapy, whatever, he can do that.

As for the smell of the vagina, some people do smell in a way that a partner might not like. As a guy, I don't know what the cure is, but I bet changes in diet and the rest might play a role in smell compatibility. It is ok for you to not like his small penis and its ok for him not to like your current smell.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:12 AM on January 2, 2015 [1 favorite]


You don't find his body acceptable and he doesn't find your body acceptable. If that's not a death knell for a sexual relationship, I don't know what is. Go find someone who ticks all of your boxes and let him do the same.
posted by Solomon at 1:21 PM on January 2, 2015 [8 favorites]


#1. Get Cialis. Are you using condoms? Maybe try not doing that. In my experience, the reason they're great as birth control is because they prevent orgasm entirely. If you must use them, definitely take the damn Cialis. Embarrassed to go to the doctor about this? Get it from a grey market pharmacy somewhere in India. Bonus: they're 1000% cheaper that way. You might consider popping one as well. Just remember to take Zantac with it, or be popping lots tums. Heartburn is a side effect.

#2 will be taken care of by the Cialis, if he's not full size then he's gonna feel small to you.

#3 will take care of itself as soon as he's not trying to make excuses for #1

Might also want to get him to check his cardiovascular health, as ED is a classic symptom of heart/circulatory issues. Finally, last but not least exercise is very helpful in this area. Sex is cardiovascular exercise, if you get winded doing three minute of cardio you're gonna have a bad sex life.
posted by mullingitover at 3:10 PM on January 2, 2015


I'm going to say this because nobody has yet:

Make him go down on you anyway. Try the mild dominatrix thing. Does he want to please you or not? Maybe he'll learn to like it.

What's the worst that can happen, he breaks up with you? You're headed there already.
posted by ctmf at 3:55 PM on January 2, 2015


I have been dating someone where, without giving too much away, we just were not aligning sexually. at.all. BUT- we really, really liked each other, and so much of the other really important compatibility boxes were checked so we just kept going-being together, being supportive of each other, doing fun things. And now, 6 months in things are so much better in the bedroom. Still not 100% where I would like them to be- but so much better than before. While your guys feelings about the smell of your vagina give me pause, I would say that if you are getting your other needs met- try and follow some of the advice above and see if things could work. Also- feel free to memail me if you want me to share more personal details privately.
posted by momochan at 9:09 PM on January 2, 2015 [1 favorite]


I have a theory. I'll bet dollars to donuts that he's never liked the smell of any woman. Why? Because as long as he can tell himself and his partner that's it's their smell that's turning him off, it makes you responsible for his lack of ability to perform, instead of laying the responsibility where it belongs - his issues with his penis size. How convenient for him, that it's all your fault that your ladyparts are the reason he can't get it up, not his own anxiety. It means he never has to learn to please you - it's all your fault! What kind of man lays that on a woman anyway? I mean, you clearly like him but I'm not getting the impression he feels the same way...
posted by Jubey at 9:14 PM on January 2, 2015 [2 favorites]


Mod note: From the OP:
Thank you everyone for sharing your thoughts and stories. I spent the last 24 hours pretty ambivalent about what to do, knowing that the relationship wasn't working for me but also that I really like everything else about this guy.

We had plans to make dinner together tonight and when he texted me to ask when he should come over and what he needed to bring I called him, told him it wasn't working, and said we should stop seeing each other. His response was basically "yeah, you're right, this isn't working, but we've become really good friends so it's hard."

He's a wonderful, affectionate guy and I'm certain there was nothing malicious or deceitful about him mentioning problem 3. It just didn't click for us.

Thanks again for your help in making me look at the situation with more objective distance.
posted by mathowie (staff) at 10:25 AM on January 3, 2015 [8 favorites]


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