I don't want to see you but here you are

December 26, 2014 1:47 PM

I just found out that my ex is planning on attending a New Year's Eve party I am going to and it is causing me a lot of stress. Strategies for dealing with this?

We broke up about a month ago and it's still very fresh in my mind. I am not ready to see them in a social setting. When we broke up, my ex stated their intention to continue to be friends with me, and I told them it would take some time on my part. While I have not contacted them at all since the breakup, they have made indirect contact with me through social media, liking some of my Facebook posts and commenting occasionally, though never communicating directly with me (i.e. responding to someone else in the thread). This frustrates me while I'm trying to move forward -- I would prefer that they would communicate directly with me or not at all.

I had been planning to go to this New Year's Eve party for a while, a smallish gathering (30-40 people) being thrown by a colleague/friend who works in the same professional/artistic field as me. I went to the same party last year and had a great time, and have been looking forward to this one. I recently discovered (also through Facebook, hooray) that my ex, who also works in the same professional/artistic field, is also planning on being there. They are driving 3 hours from out of town to be there.

This feels like an aggressive, intrusive move on their part, and it makes me feel like they are more interested in being friends with my friends than anything else, and maintaining and strengthening those professional contacts that I initially helped them forge. They are more socially adept than me, and I feel (perhaps irrationally) like my life is in danger being stolen out from under me. While I count many of these people as my friends, I'm not especially close to any of them at the moment.

So, I would like some strategies for dealing with this -- mental strategies for dealing with my hurt and resentment right now, as well as social strategies for getting through the party unscathed. Telling my ex not to go to the party is not an option -- I can't and don't want to control their actions. I would rather not make alternate plans either. I want to see my friends, and yes, maintain my professional relationships, and feel that my absence would be conspicuous.

My goal is to go to the party, be lighthearted, be confident, have a good time, and be cordial to my ex if I have to interact with them. Right now I don't feel any of those things. How do I make this happen?

Thanks in advance, wise ones.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (17 answers total)

You should take care of yourself and find different New Year's Eve plans. Then you should plan a New Year's brunch outing for the people you want to see from the party the following weekend (Jan 3 or 4) and see the folks you wanted to in an intimate gathering where you can drink and talk without drama.

Obviously, everyone pays their fair share so it's not like you have to pay for it. And obvs ex is not invited and there isn't an open invitation.

That's all I've got. There's no magic way to make yourself feel better until you do.
posted by discopolo at 1:56 PM on December 26, 2014 [5 favorites]

It sounds like your ex is low-level stalking you. Maybe they do not realize this?

I think you get to try just ONCE to be direct with them. Via FB...

"EX,

It is my understanding that you are going to Y party. During our break-up, I asked you for space. While I can not control your actions, attending this party is aggressive on your part under the circumstances.

I am not open to communicating with you further, about this or anything else.

Thank you for taking my feelings into consideration as you plan your holiday activities.

- OP"

----

I don't think there is any strategy other than for you to show up to the party and plan to leave if your ex shows up, too. Or approaches you. Or whatever boundary you set for yourself.

I do think you should be clear with yourself (and perhaps others?) that the "creeper contact" is boundary pushing for you. Just say it out loud. Re-claim your integrity. You have a right to exist free from hassles like this.

Back in the day, I would force myself to put up with social situations like this. Now? I just forge right ahead and make other plans, or go somewhere else, etc. etc..

Life is short. Don't spend it in the same space as someone who is making you uncomfortable.

And, NO. Unless you are some sort of shaman or magician, it is difficult/impossible to ignore someone bothering you like this.
posted by jbenben at 2:00 PM on December 26, 2014 [3 favorites]

Telling my ex not to go to the party is not an option -- I can't and don't want to control their actions. I would rather not make alternate plans either.

Assuming that your ex WILL be going and you also WILL be going, can you bring a friend with you to said party? Ideally not as a date (and ideally someone your ex would know was not a date), but rather just a friend, to back you up and provide you with an outside perspective.

If you can't bring an outside friend, is there any one person who will already be attending who you could potentially recruit to be your non-date wingperson?

Also, I would be prepared for your ex potentially bringing a date, or potentially doing other things to try to get a response out of you. Ideally it won't come to that, but I'd accept that that is a possibility going into this party.

While I count many of these people as my friends, I'm not especially close to any of them at the moment.

If these professional contacts are important to you, I'd suggest doing something to shore up those relationships outside of this event. Ask someone to lunch/tea/drinks, throw a "We Survived January" potluck, organize a volunteer day... whatever works in your world. But don't wait for other people to organize a meet-up, and when you do, don't invite the ex.
posted by pie ninja at 2:02 PM on December 26, 2014 [7 favorites]

Show face on the early side of the party - make the rounds, nod politely to the ex if they are there then, and then make your exit. Plan something fun for yourself for after, whether it's a movie/TV show marathon or skype session with friends in a different time zone or going to a different party.

Either before or after the party, tell your ex in so many words that you really don't want any contact from them for now, including liking shit on fb, and then block them.
posted by rtha at 2:07 PM on December 26, 2014 [5 favorites]

Bring a date. Seriously, that's the perfect way to keep your distance from him at the event. Recruit a friend if you have to.
posted by fshgrl at 2:10 PM on December 26, 2014 [4 favorites]

Can you bring a good friend who isn't in this circle with you to rescue you if you need a break? Can you say to the hosts "I'm coming, but ex is also coming and I'd appreciate a hand if things get awkward"? I had this problem over a mutual watering-hole after I got divorced. Things got a lot better for me when I started dating someone else and I had people to run interference if necessary.

Also: have an escape plan and don't drink too much, possibly even stick to soda until the champagne toast. If there's going to be a scene, let it be him that makes it.

Last but not least: my breakup was before Facebook, but yeah, unfriend ex/unfollow on Twitter/etc. I cannot imagine keeping an ex I felt this way about on social media.
posted by immlass at 2:11 PM on December 26, 2014 [1 favorite]

Definitely insulate yourself with friends who know how you feel so they can help you feel comfortable. I think you should still go... if you back out, your feelings of this ex stealing parts of your life will be amplified. I agree that bringing someone would be best, someone who is 100% team you, so that you don't feel that your ex has a chance of winning him/her over. Also, try to avoid trash talking. Sounds to me like ex might be trying to make you feel uncomfortable (did he/she perhaps find out that you were going to this party through facebook, and then make plans to attend?) so don't give him/her even a whiff that he/she is succeeding. Also, you don't want your mutual friends to have to deal with the negativity on a social night.

Try to make your New Year's resolution to give this ex exactly zero emotional real estate, and practice that at this party. Do not let this person dictate what you do or how you feel. Easier said than done, I know. But smiling through a difficult time is a classy way to go. Good luck!
posted by hippychick at 2:15 PM on December 26, 2014 [1 favorite]

The way I got through a NYE party also attended by a creeper was to avoid the rooms where he was.
posted by brujita at 2:23 PM on December 26, 2014

In dealing with that "my life is being stolen out from under me" feeling, one mental strategy might be to sit down and work through your anxieties on paper over the next couple of days, before you go to the party. For me, that would involve writing down the outcome(s) I'm scared will happen (e.g. "All of them will realise that he's better than me and abandon me for him and my relationships with these people will end and my career will be destroyed") and then writing down all the unlikely things that would need to be true for that outcome to take place in the real world (e.g. In your case, it would have to be true that the great time you had last year was a total fluke and had nothing to do with your friends' valuation of you as a unique individual; that your ex was exceptionally manipulative, exceptionally professionally talented, AND exceptionally socially skilled; that your friends were exceptionally passive people who were willing for your ex to just pack them up in a box and take them; etc. You can think of better ones than these.) I have found that, although going through this kind of formal CBT-type exercise on paper feels a little laboured, it does help to calm me down and give me some clear scripts to repeat back to myself later.

This is a suggestion for dealing with your worry about him honing in on your professional contacts and friends and taking them away from you. It doesn't relate to the other feelings that might result from seeing a recent ex who has been insensitive and inappropriate since the break-up. On that, I nth the suggestion of going with a close friend / date so that you can avoid one-to-one conversations with this guy. I think it would be a pity not to go, since you enjoy these people and since maintaining contacts with them is professionally important and your ex doesn't deserve to deprive you of those things.
posted by Aravis76 at 2:48 PM on December 26, 2014 [2 favorites]

Ask a friend to go with you. I'm sure you know someone who has no plans who'd love a chance to go to a party. This person will hang by your side so you don't have any awkward moments where you're standing there with no one to speak to.

Play some great music to psyche you up for the party, Mighty, Mighty Bosstones, Pink, all the fun happy music that puts you in a great mood. Treat yourself to a fun new outfit if you swing that way. Definitely get new fragrance, don't smell like you did when you were with your ex.

Let a couple of good friends who are going to the party know that you're freaked out that the ex is coming and see if they can help run interference for you. They can steer him/her away from you, hang with you while your other friend goes to the bathroom.

Limit the cocktails, if you're nervous or anxious, alcohol won't help and your defenses will be down.

Be prepared for your ex to show up with a date. This person will be ALL over your ex and possibly hostile to you. Just smile tolerantly, because this is some juvenile shit. Hopefully, you were with someone who evolved past high school though, just be prepared.

Do block your ex on email, facebook, etc.

One month after a breakup is no time at all. Of course you're still raw and hurting and confused. But that's okay, go to the party, connect with your friends, make plans to meet with people in the new year.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:48 PM on December 26, 2014

The social strategy for the party is--as detailed above--go early, make sure you talk to all the people you need to speak with (if only for a minute), then leave early for another Thing that will be fun and not stressful. Bringing a friend/"date" might help. Definitely just nodding at the ex or saying "hullo, please excuse me" is all you need to do to deal with the ex. Don't drink too much--it won't help. Don't dress in something out of your comfort zone, but do make sure you feel excellent in what you have on. Practice smiling and counting to 10 in your head before you say anything.

As for the other anxiety, it sounds normal and like you're letting it be normal, even as you're seeking ways to get out from under it. Pick one or two of the people who will be at this party that you feel you've had the best connection with and when you talk to them at the party, mention that you'd like to grab lunch/a drink/coffee sometime after the holidays are over and then follow through with it.

Repeat to your ex that you said you were not ready to be friends and then unfriend or hide him on social networks because he is not being respectful of that boundary. It's possible that it's a misunderstanding--and he thinks that indirect participation in your life is the boundary you drew ("no direct contact, but indirect contact" means "the line to communication is still open") and is not intentionally failing to respect your boundary, but that's not really important right now.

Otherwise, mentally, you just focus on the things you like about yourself. You start doing the things you enjoy that you have not done lately because your ex did not like them. When you deal with people in your mutual field, don't imagine you know how your worth compares to what they think your ex's worth is. Because that's giving the ex some power over you that he does not have and does not need.
posted by crush-onastick at 3:13 PM on December 26, 2014

It seems to me that your ex is showing passive aggressive behavior (ask me how I recognize this - rolls eyes). He's pushing the envelope and really needs to move on and away from your territory. Apart from a "Leave my neighborhood!" which is how I handled it, I like the suggestion upthread to go early to the party. Make the rounds with one drink in hand feeling friendly and happy to maintain contact with friends and colleagues and then get the hell out of Dodge. Let him him stew in his own juices that he hasn't had an opportunity to intrude on your life and ruin your evening. Is it possible to find another party elsewhere? Or make a private party with a few true friends after your appearance at this main party??

One of the first things I did was block my ex on FB. Yeah, it was tough but ... I did not want to know what he was up to (and he was up to a LOT). And at one month, after 12 years, I needed space. Perhaps you do, too.

You can get thru this gracefully (or anyway you want to). Be brave!
posted by alwayson_slightlyoff at 3:15 PM on December 26, 2014 [2 favorites]

I'm voting for the show up long enough to be seen, say hi to some people, and mention to anyone who asks* whats going on later that you're going to Party B.

Then when you head out, mention to those people again that you're heading over to the other party and see you around bla bla bla. If they're game, they'll go with you.

Show up to party A with a friend or two who will leave with you to check out the other party.

The other party does not have to be a party, it can be a bar you guys go to, or one you know some other friends will be at or whatever.

I have escaped numerous parties with weirdos/assholes this way, and many many times ended up at cool, cooler, or even just an interesting afterparty i hung out at for a little while and then went home(or stayed until 6am, and...)

And this part is even more my personal opinion, but the funnest years i've had on new years were when i went to one thing earlier in the night, then just sort of had open ended plans to "do something else" later in the night and just kind of manifested that as i went. This is a perfect excuse to plan for that.

*oh and for fucks sake, not if they're some obvious blabbermouth dumbbutt or friend of your exes who would just tell them so they could follow you. although that would be a good test of what they're really doing, that isn't for tonight, this is about having a blast.
posted by emptythought at 3:23 PM on December 26, 2014 [2 favorites]

Here's a vote for "it's not about you." This is a group of people he knows and likes, with whom a relationship is useful, and for which he can no longer rely upon you to facilitate. He'd be stupid not to go the party. Knowing that it's not about you, go to the party, have a great time, and cold shoulder him if he bugs you. You are not obliged to chat merrily with him until he lets you off the hook.
posted by MattD at 4:35 PM on December 26, 2014 [8 favorites]

Here's a similar question - some of the answers might be helpful.
posted by bunderful at 4:37 PM on December 26, 2014

When Kate Middleton & Prince William briefly split up, her parent's advice was to go out and be fabulous. Photos of her from that era are sexy, confident and much more edgy than the bland princess seen today.

Everyone has excellent advice above; for the extra confidence, dress to kill. Seriously. Buy some new Victoria's Secret. Go to the salon and get a blowout. Heels. Pick your go-to Hot Bitch celebrity and remember that.

And yeah this guy is being boundary pushing and douchey. When you think of him, mentally eyeroll. Do that from now until New Years.

No one can see inside your head including this guy. Once you're broken up that cord of intimacy is severed. Remember that.

PS. Ain't no rule saying you've got to be friends with your exes. Feel free to block on FB.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 5:37 PM on December 26, 2014 [2 favorites]

It's not an easy choice because your ex is forcing it, so it proably feels entirely disempowering. The trick is to remember is that he is no longer your problem. You can completely disengage in whatever ways feel right to you.

For myself, I do not regret simply not showing up to things I know my ex will be at. And those are things I would have loved to attend were it not for that one small detail. Go to the party, don't go, leave early. Whatever it is, do it because it's what you want given the situation.
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 6:52 PM on December 26, 2014 [1 favorite]