So I'm the common denominator, right?
December 21, 2014 11:42 PM   Subscribe

I'm struggling with the idea of not internalizing rejection and trying to come to terms with why I've had so much trouble with relationships in a romantic context. Normally I'm able to make really good decisions, but for some reasons with relationships I seem to be hitting the proverbial brick wall. Please classify my snowflake.

Like I mentioned before the jump, I like to think that I normally make great decisions (or at least I hope I have). Some specs: I'm in my mid-20's, I have a good job/fun career that allows for lots of travel, will be pursuing a graduate degree soon, plenty of long-term friendships that I have managed to maintain for a while (I am the kind of person who will maintain a healthy and balanced friendship as much as possible, and will do as much as I can for my friends and they do as well in return--no codependency, but rather healthy adult relationships with good boundaries). I wouldn't say that I am conventionally attractive for reasons that I will delve into below, but I am fit and dress well.

I push myself to do interesting things, and to learn a lot of skills. After consultations with friends/people I know, they have said that maybe I am too 'intimidating' or that I do not make it seem like I have room in my life for others, but I think that I am quite approachable--making friends is easy, and I enjoy meeting new people. I don't think intimidation is the case. In the past I have had plenty of guy friends that have said I am 'beautiful', 'amazing', 'pretty', 'the coolest girl' they know; and yet didn't really see me beyond platonic friendships. Actually, most of them saw me as some female who merely existed to validate their life choices/opinions and when I refused to--turned to me, but that's another issue. I have had in the past couple of years, many first dates where guys (mostly older) want to 'hang out' and pursue me, but have felt like they were coming on too strong in the beginning which scared me off. Often times, the guy would send me declarations of love immediately after meeting me/after a first date, wanted to get intimate as soon as possible and not necessarily try to get to know me as a person. Another thing some friends have mentioned is that I seem like I already have a partner/am married, since I have my 'life together'. I don't know if they're just saying this to make me feel better.

As someone who is a minority and knows what it feels like as the person on the outside, of a different 'ethnicity' than is normally found conventionally attractive where I grew up, I make it a point to not exclude anyone in my life. I talk to everyone regardless of their background/class/how 'sketchy they look' as some of my friends put it. So, I do not think it's a matter of not being open to others. I make it a point to meet as many new people as I can. Because of this I find myself in interesting and often hilarious situations, but am constantly meeting new people as a result. My friends have also said that since I am so open, I am attracting partners that other girls would normally gloss over--who aren't really long-term material.

Here's the thing though, I've almost always been 'that single friend'. I was single throughout high school and college. I'm a late bloomer, guys only really started to notice me around senior year of high school while my friends were all dating in the eighth grade. I started getting more attention in my early-20's, but mostly the ones of the 'casual' or 'non-committal' variety. I'm the one who has interesting experiences to talk about over dinner/coffee, travel stories, the fun job/career. But I'm also that friend who now has to listen to all my friends plan their weddings while promising them that I will definitely be in town to bridesmaid at their weddings.

I recently moved back to my hometown after being away for a few years, and it seems like a good 80% of my high school class is engaged, married, in the process of getting married, or popping out kids. We're in the 25/26 age range, and I'm starting to feel like maybe I'm doing life wrong. It doesn't help that whenever I complain or self-deprecate about this, people jokingly tell me to shut-up cause my life is amazing and this is the one check-box that I haven't filled.

I know that I am loved. My friends and family love me, care for me, and say they crave my company. They make me deliriously happy too. I know deep down that these relationships are fulfilling and just as valuable as romantic ones. But, I find lately that I am craving more. In the past year I got out of a couple of short term relationships. In both cases I was dumped based on the guys' inability to commit (in one case his family didn't approve of my ethnicity despite being of the same religious background and he chose not to pursue it further, the other was much much older and the relationship was mostly built on passion than anything). Although I normally do not believe this about myself, I took both of these rejections to heart. I've suffered in silence for most of this, to both of the guys during the 'break-ups', I shrugged it off to the point where they thought I was dumping them, and didn't fight for the relationships--but I find six months later, I still feel like I'm not good-enough-to-be-with. Especially so now that I am back home and seeing all of my old classmates/acquaintances that have found partners.

For the most part I try to keep busy as usual to keep my mind occupied, but occasionally when I'm idle (usually when waiting at crosswalks), the thought hits me that I'm not good enough. I just want to be touched, and yet I can't help feeling that maybe I'm too repulsive to be. Yeah, I am going to therapy for this. There are times when I find myself crying in my hotel room during a business trip because I feel like I've failed in this one department. I know part of it is cultural expectations that I have been brought up with, that being in your mid-20's and living out of a suitcase + pursuing higher education does not define success as much as being married and settled down. Normally the first thing extended family will ask me after a long period of no-contact is if I have a guy in my life.

Lately I've just kept these feelings to myself but maybe I'm projecting this energy outwards because I find people telling me 'not to worry, you'll find someone', or 'you're young, you have time'. How do I stay hopeful and not turn into a bitter, self-hating person when I feel like the last one standing? Sometimes I think about the alternative of being alone for the foreseeable future, and it causes me a ton of anxiety. Deep down I know that it is survivable, that it will be okay. But how do you stop getting out of that 'I'm a failure' thought spiral and not internalize the past so much?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (12 answers total) 18 users marked this as a favorite
 
Here's the thing about dating and relationships: by and large, assuming you're a decent person who bathes and stuff, it's not really something you can be better at. Or, I guess, it's not really something where being better leads to demonstrable results.

I think a lot of women get on this train of self-improvement, where there is always something kind of wrong with you, but you will fix it, and then you will be Better, and then things will fall into place for you. And there are some things that work this way. You can study hard and succeed in school. You can be a hard worker and a team player and progress in your career. You can get measurably better at sports or fitness related activities. You can change your eating habits and watch the numbers on the scale go down.

But for a lot of things in life, this doesn't make any sense. You can't will yourself into a happy relationship through sheer force of being an awesome person. It kind of just happens when it happens.

I think there are potentially things you can do to be a better partner, but without knowing a lot about your previous relationships, it's hard to recommend anything. And, frankly, having picked up on the rhythm of the Female Self-Improvement Train, I don't think it's entirely healthy to spitball potential problems and see what resonates. I could tell you the ways I've gotten better at relationships over the years, but A) no idea if they apply to you at all, and B) I'm still single, because as I said, this is not a thing that can be measured in results. You can be the most self-actualized person in the world, and if it hasn't happened for you yet, it just hasn't.
posted by Sara C. at 12:19 AM on December 22, 2014 [27 favorites]


I recently moved back to my hometown after being away for a few years, and it seems like a good 80% of my high school class is engaged, married, in the process of getting married, or popping out kids.

I was really with you until I got to this. Do not even worry. Someone said this in another AskMe thread, but I completely agree: there are at least three waves of "whoa, everyone I know is getting married." Don't worry about not being part of this wave. You'll be in good company in the future. (And of course anyone can get married at any time, so it's not even like you have to be part of any wave.)

The only thing I wondered is, if the hometown crew is all getting married now, are you living in a place where you're the odd one out? That might make it a bit more challenging to find a partner. (I got marriage anxiety every single time I visited my home town. "Wow, everyone is married. Where are the single people?" Then I returned to the Bay Area and answered my own question.)
posted by salvia at 12:39 AM on December 22, 2014 [7 favorites]


You can't compare yourself to your classmates. You've been away for a few years, while they've stuck around together (I assume a number of them paired up together), which gave them that opportunity to get comfortable with commitment.

I think after a certain point, there's no correlation between self-actualization and ability to stay in a committed relationship. It's not like all the self-actualized interesting people in the world are granted compatible partners that they can be in healthy relationships with. And similarly, there are plenty of dull people or people who don't have their shit together who manage to get married. It's weird. Relationships often operate under the rules of bizarro world. Oftentimes living in the same town forever and hanging out with your high school friends forever will guarantee you marriage in your 20s, but that's not the life you led, nor is it the one I think you want to lead.

The most interesting and self-actualized people I know are the ones who find it the most difficult to find relationships, because they have better boundaries and they're only compatible with other equally interesting people. The coolest woman I know (whom I look up to) was single for the past six years and people kept telling her that she was picky, but she found someone recently and they're adorable and quirky and interesting in similar ways and I'm really happy for them.

Being an ethnic minority also plays a factor and affects dating dynamics. Don't discount that. It sucks but it's not your fault, it's the fault of your date for not sticking up for you. Everyone has to navigate something with their intersectionality, and that's part of the struggle in your landscape.

I'm also a 20-something woman, and I think that women are often socialized to internalize problems that are actually external in nature. We were taught to take responsibility for other people's emotions, for the comfort of others, for our desirability to others, etc. But I think that your problems are probably external. It's not that you're not good enough, it's that you're somehow not finding people who actually get you and would prioritize you. If you're more likely to be compatible with people in a different city rather than your hometown, perhaps you should consider relocating there. It's not you, it's the people around you. Find your kind.

And mid 20s is a weird time. People are like, married and old in small towns, while other mid 20s folk are still acting like they're college students. People come in different life stages, and there's really no natural progression in this day and age, IMHO, since people can lead such vastly different lives. You'll be okay and you have a lot going for you. Just figure out how to get to know more like-minded people and hang out more with them. That social circle is your potential dating pool.
posted by Hawk V at 12:42 AM on December 22, 2014 [25 favorites]


You're much better off pursuing your career of choice right now instead of settling for someone just to be in a relationship. The worst relationships are born of desperation. You're not desperate, and you should be proud of that fact. Some people can't stand being single for more than a month or so, and so they hop around from one bad relationship to another, and then eventually marry whichever bum they happen to be with when they turn a certain age. The fact that you're actually turning down these guys when they creep you out or seem like a poor fit means you have integrity and confidence.
posted by deathpanels at 5:35 AM on December 22, 2014 [2 favorites]


One of the wisest things my mother ever said to me was this: "I worried about you when all your cousins were getting married & you were away in the city being single. But then I thought about how you are different to your cousins and it wouldn't work for you to settle down in our small home town with a random guy. So, good for you. I am glad you didn't do this."

However, it's good to flirt. Set up a profile on OK Cupid, go on various dates, don't think about long-term commitment but just see who's out there and broaden your horizons.
posted by kariebookish at 5:49 AM on December 22, 2014 [5 favorites]


Please read "Why Love Hurts" by Eva Illouz. The book offers an opportunity to stop blaming yourself for the results of social conditions. It does NOT offer a solution, though.

I would put a good amount of money on the proposition that there is nothing wrong with you. Feelings aren't facts.

I agree with snickerdoodle's perception about conserving some of your energy that you appear to be spending on others. Not everyone is worth your time: harsh but true. You sound like you have a lot to offer someone and the first person on that list should be you.
posted by Sheydem-tants at 6:07 AM on December 22, 2014 [1 favorite]


So, you remind me a lot of many women I knew in graduate school. You may have heard the statistics that a disproportionate number of women with graduate degrees end up single and I've long thought it's not so much the graduate degrees as the type of person who pursues a graduate degree. Although it is total bullshit and unfair, I think a lot of men ARE intimidated by women who are really smart, have their lives together, and don't "need" someone to provide for them. There's nothing you can really do about it -- you actually don't want to date one of those losers who would be super intimidated by you!! -- but I do think it is a real dynamic out there that you're picking up on rather than just 100% bad luck. The best advice I can give is:

a) If at all possible, do your graduate work in a major metropolitan area. I think this increases your chances of meeting someone for a few reasons. There are more men, period. People tend to be more diverse. And the "life patten" people follow tends to be a little different -- not everyone is settling down at 25.
b) Put up a totally honest OkCupid profile. Put in there that "some people find me intimidating, but I promise I'm not trying to be! I've just got my life together and am looking for someone to share it with." Put all your smart, quirky, interesting qualities in there, as well as your desire for a long term relationship. I think this will at least help screen out the losers and up your chances of meeting someone who is a good fit.
c) Make sure you really do have room in your life for someone else! It sounds like you travel a LOT, have lots of interests, and are always making connections and friends. And once you start grad school, that will also take up a ton of time and energy. That's great! But I can also see how someone might feel like you don't have the time or energy to devote to a relationship. My view on romantic relationships is that serious, long-term relationships mostly work when BOTH partners put the top priority on that relationship. My partner has made serious sacrifices for us to be together (moving across the country), and I've made serious sacrifices for him as well. Except, none of it feels like a sacrifice because ultimately our relationship is the most important thing to both of us. Obviously you're not going to be at this place right away with a new relationship! But I do think you need to mentally make space in your life for another person to be your #1 priority at some point, in order for it to happen.
posted by rainbowbrite at 6:24 AM on December 22, 2014 [5 favorites]


You sound like a great person, I would just say that the early stages of a relationship are very delicate and lots of little subconscious actions or cues can shut it down. Do you have room for someone else? Can you be still enough to read someone else? Sometimes people's interest cues are very faint and if you're outgoing maybe you don't see them, so the only guys who "make it through" are the overly pushy/needy types. Having room for others isn't the same as being approachable, it is needing some input from them in some way, it is giving them room and space to have input and shape the conversation. Maybe you are not meeting confident people but even so, there is a special give & take dance that starts up in a relationship so just observe yourself and see if you let this dance happen or not. The rest is timing.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 6:28 AM on December 22, 2014 [6 favorites]


A couple of things. Only a few of your dates will turn into relationships. You are doing it right if you're shutting down aggressive people who aren't getting to know you. You have no idea how much heart-ache you're saving yourself. Good for you!

Another thing, of those folks you know in your hometown marrying and settling down--half of them will be divorced before the next decade. Sad but true. For a LOT of people, settling down means settling. You are not one of those people.

I too was that awesome, has-it-together person who never seemed to have a date. My friends too said I was intimidating with my awesome life. There were times when it sucked, but I will tell you this, I am SO GLAD I waited for the right guy and didn't let the pressures get to me. Husbunny and I have been together for 15 years. We are the best couple most people know.

When you date, be up front about what you want. "I'm not interested in casual sex, I want to be in a committed relationship. If this is something you want, great. If not, it was nice to meet you." When interacting with men of your acquaintance, what keeps you from saying, "You know, I like you as a friend, but I'd love to date you, what do you think?" Either they say yes or no, but it's not some pregnant, unspoken thing.

Other than that, enjoy your life as it is. Don't settle just because you think that you SHOULD be coupled up. Wait for the person who is perfect for you. You will have NO regrets.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:09 AM on December 22, 2014 [11 favorites]


Do you have any friend or family member who is single and loving it and plans to stay that way? I find it really comforting to hang out with friends who don't care about couplehood at all, don't want it for themselves, can't quite see why anyone would want it. Because they take the pressure completely off.

I also find old posts from the Living Single blog comforting to read. The author actually goes a lot farther than I would in her devotion to staying single. And that's exactly why it's helpful, because the blog's "I am happy single, and could never be this happy in a committed relationship" provides a counterbalance to the well-intentioned people in my life who value couplehood super highly and want it for me possibly even more than I want it for myself (as in like, encouraging me to settle). People are different. I am somewhere in between these extremes, and it sounds like you are, too. You're not alone.
posted by Bentobox Humperdinck at 11:42 AM on December 22, 2014 [2 favorites]


recently moved back to my hometown after being away for a few years, and it seems like a good 80% of my high school class is engaged, married, in the process of getting married, or popping out kids.

And half of them will be divorced, or in bitter, loveless marriages in 5 years, telling you how lucky you are to be single.
posted by empath at 2:09 PM on December 22, 2014


I consider myself good at relationships and every one but the most recent relationship has ended! This is also true of almost everyone else I know. I didn't meet the woman I married until I was 28 (in 1995 and we didn't get married until 2005).

I have an overall relationship success rate of less than .05

Chance.
posted by srboisvert at 3:31 PM on December 22, 2014


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