Insecure Attachment in Relationships - resources please.
December 21, 2014 11:40 PM Subscribe
My marriage can be very good, but it can also be very challenging, and has been particularly so in the past few months. Based on our interactions, I've been reading up on attachment and suspect that we both struggle with different types of insecure attachment. I'm looking for resources (online or print) that can help me better understand how our different issues are playing out in our relationship.
After reading a fair bit on secure and insecure attachment, I am sure that I struggle with fearful-avoidant (or anxious-avoidant) attachment in my relationships and am as sure as I can be (without being in his head) that my husband is coming from a place of anxious attachment. This plays out in some pretty distinct patterns in our relationship, which generally involve him seeking approval or reinforcement from women outside our marriage (usually through inappropriate texts and facebook, once through a one night stand) and me panicking when I find out and getting really scared and clingy. The fact that I can't seem to stop myself from going through his stuff when I feel particularly insecure (even before he cheated) does not help things either.
I know that sounds like a horribly toxic relationship, but it's actually pretty good a lot of the time. We've also made some real progress in the last few months where he's committed to all-out honesty, including about all his conversations/interactions with other women, and I've been working on trusting that he really does want to be in a relationship with me and on staying out of his stuff even though I currently have his permission to look. At this point if I want to see something I ask, and he lets me.
I know that ultimately, what we need is therapy (individual and couples) but while we sort that out, I'm looking for resources that specifically address how issues with attachment play out in a relationship where neither partner is functioning from a place of secure attachment. Bonus points if they include advice or exercises for us to shift the dynamic.
I realize that I am likely to get relationship advice here too, but I'd really like the names of resources that others have found helpful.
And because I'm worried that the issue of cheating might derail this a bit, it is something that we have spent/are spending a lot of time working through, and while I know DTMF will be the advice of some and may ultimately be the conclusion, I made the choice to try and work all this out before taking that step.
After reading a fair bit on secure and insecure attachment, I am sure that I struggle with fearful-avoidant (or anxious-avoidant) attachment in my relationships and am as sure as I can be (without being in his head) that my husband is coming from a place of anxious attachment. This plays out in some pretty distinct patterns in our relationship, which generally involve him seeking approval or reinforcement from women outside our marriage (usually through inappropriate texts and facebook, once through a one night stand) and me panicking when I find out and getting really scared and clingy. The fact that I can't seem to stop myself from going through his stuff when I feel particularly insecure (even before he cheated) does not help things either.
I know that sounds like a horribly toxic relationship, but it's actually pretty good a lot of the time. We've also made some real progress in the last few months where he's committed to all-out honesty, including about all his conversations/interactions with other women, and I've been working on trusting that he really does want to be in a relationship with me and on staying out of his stuff even though I currently have his permission to look. At this point if I want to see something I ask, and he lets me.
I know that ultimately, what we need is therapy (individual and couples) but while we sort that out, I'm looking for resources that specifically address how issues with attachment play out in a relationship where neither partner is functioning from a place of secure attachment. Bonus points if they include advice or exercises for us to shift the dynamic.
I realize that I am likely to get relationship advice here too, but I'd really like the names of resources that others have found helpful.
And because I'm worried that the issue of cheating might derail this a bit, it is something that we have spent/are spending a lot of time working through, and while I know DTMF will be the advice of some and may ultimately be the conclusion, I made the choice to try and work all this out before taking that step.
Have you read the book Attached? It has a section of tips for the anxious/avoidant couple.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 2:01 PM on December 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by St. Peepsburg at 2:01 PM on December 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
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I know I keep recommending this book, but it's the only resource I've seen that gets that relationships actually ARE attachment, not just people repeating attachment patterns from childhood, and that adults have attachment needs. It deals with emotions, not just changing behaviors.
posted by Violet Hour at 12:35 AM on December 22, 2014 [4 favorites]