Sober living communities in New York - do they exist?
December 20, 2014 4:50 AM Subscribe
Sober living communities in New York - do they exist?
I'm starting to worry about my alcoholic boyfriend whom I live with. I haven't given up on the relationship but also know he may never get help, and I'm trying to prepare for a future where I move away from here. I grew up with alcoholics in a very dysfunctional situation, and I've dated several of them, which is something I know I need to change with therapy. I'm not worried about my drinking as I rarely drink.
Is there such a thing as a community for sober living in New York? What I'm looking for is a group living situation where I'm not around alcoholics at home. I would like to be around a conscious community where people aren't drinking or doing drugs so that I'm not around the destructive behaviors (not to moralize, but just tired of this). I'm not looking for New Age preachy - just something where the people who drink destructively aren't allowed to live there. I can't really ask people 'are you an alcoholic' when you're starting to date, and I just don't trust my judgment anymore to avoid them. I know there are recovery houses for alcoholics, and I can attend Al-anon meetings - just curious if there's actual communities based on a conscious choice not to live with alcohol at home.
I'm starting to worry about my alcoholic boyfriend whom I live with. I haven't given up on the relationship but also know he may never get help, and I'm trying to prepare for a future where I move away from here. I grew up with alcoholics in a very dysfunctional situation, and I've dated several of them, which is something I know I need to change with therapy. I'm not worried about my drinking as I rarely drink.
Is there such a thing as a community for sober living in New York? What I'm looking for is a group living situation where I'm not around alcoholics at home. I would like to be around a conscious community where people aren't drinking or doing drugs so that I'm not around the destructive behaviors (not to moralize, but just tired of this). I'm not looking for New Age preachy - just something where the people who drink destructively aren't allowed to live there. I can't really ask people 'are you an alcoholic' when you're starting to date, and I just don't trust my judgment anymore to avoid them. I know there are recovery houses for alcoholics, and I can attend Al-anon meetings - just curious if there's actual communities based on a conscious choice not to live with alcohol at home.
Substance-free would be a good keyword to look for here. Although I can't give any specific examples, I know I've seen people in an NYC-specific Facebook group I'm a member of mention stuff like that in posts about either finding housing or looking for roommates.
posted by naturalog at 6:56 AM on December 20, 2014
posted by naturalog at 6:56 AM on December 20, 2014
Most former alcoholics have the same awful personality traits they had while drinking - they're just now sober.
Most of the places you are thinking of are full of recovered/former alcoholics because these are places for people working on their sobriety.
Al-anon might have some resources for you.
Lots of religious sects of all different stripes feature abstinence. Lots of communities upstate.
Lots of people into sports party, so I can't recommend that.
In general, it might help you to learn "tells" of addict-type personalities, or other types you want to avoid.
Based on what you say about your upbringing, you've been trained or habituated to find the qualities you seek to avoid attractive. You're right. You have to learn to stop doing that.
Since these traits go beyond imbibing, I suggest you start to identify those traits and re-train yourself to see them a supremely unattractive.
Therapy, self-help books, group therapy, process groups, hypnotherapy, meditation, and Al-anon can all help you. Give it a go until you find a path that works for you.
posted by jbenben at 6:58 AM on December 20, 2014 [7 favorites]
Most of the places you are thinking of are full of recovered/former alcoholics because these are places for people working on their sobriety.
Al-anon might have some resources for you.
Lots of religious sects of all different stripes feature abstinence. Lots of communities upstate.
Lots of people into sports party, so I can't recommend that.
In general, it might help you to learn "tells" of addict-type personalities, or other types you want to avoid.
Based on what you say about your upbringing, you've been trained or habituated to find the qualities you seek to avoid attractive. You're right. You have to learn to stop doing that.
Since these traits go beyond imbibing, I suggest you start to identify those traits and re-train yourself to see them a supremely unattractive.
Therapy, self-help books, group therapy, process groups, hypnotherapy, meditation, and Al-anon can all help you. Give it a go until you find a path that works for you.
posted by jbenben at 6:58 AM on December 20, 2014 [7 favorites]
Just one thing that you mentioned:
I can't really ask people 'are you an alcoholic' when you're starting to date
Yes. You can. It's perfectly valid and understandable to say on a second or third date, "So, I grew up in a really shitty family situation, and it was like that mostly because of alcoholism, so I want you to know that I can't be around a lot of drinking, or even around people who drink a lot. Is that going to be a problem?"
You are responsible for your own happiness. That means that sometimes you have to take responsibility for it.
posted by Etrigan at 7:35 AM on December 20, 2014 [22 favorites]
I can't really ask people 'are you an alcoholic' when you're starting to date
Yes. You can. It's perfectly valid and understandable to say on a second or third date, "So, I grew up in a really shitty family situation, and it was like that mostly because of alcoholism, so I want you to know that I can't be around a lot of drinking, or even around people who drink a lot. Is that going to be a problem?"
You are responsible for your own happiness. That means that sometimes you have to take responsibility for it.
posted by Etrigan at 7:35 AM on December 20, 2014 [22 favorites]
I can't really ask people 'are you an alcoholic' when you're starting to date
Sure you can. Ask if he drinks. If he says yes, then ask how much or how often. What's so hard about that?
posted by John Cohen at 8:11 AM on December 20, 2014 [2 favorites]
Sure you can. Ask if he drinks. If he says yes, then ask how much or how often. What's so hard about that?
posted by John Cohen at 8:11 AM on December 20, 2014 [2 favorites]
You can ask someone about their drinking habits, but there's no guarantee you'll get an honest answer. Especially if they a) sense that heavy drinking is a dealbreaker for you, and/or b) are indeed an alcoholic. That's what's so tricky--alcoholics are often very talented at fudging the truth.
posted by magdalemon at 8:20 AM on December 20, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by magdalemon at 8:20 AM on December 20, 2014 [2 favorites]
If you want to use OkCupid or another online dating site in the future, you can easily set up a filter so you only see people who don't drink at all.
posted by dangerbird at 8:47 AM on December 20, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by dangerbird at 8:47 AM on December 20, 2014 [3 favorites]
Mod note: Folks, question is about more than just the can-you-ask-dates-about-alcoholism thing, please try not to let this go down a rabbit hole there.
posted by cortex (staff) at 11:42 AM on December 20, 2014
posted by cortex (staff) at 11:42 AM on December 20, 2014
I'm not looking for New Age preachy - just something where the people who drink destructively aren't allowed to live there.
This is going to be any shared house with professional, sober, working people pretty much in my experience. When I was part of that demographic we wouldn't tolerate people like that and we did plenty of normal social drinking when we had time between our jobs, trips, hobbies etc. You just need to look for places advertising for professional roommates, with a stated desire for quiet evenings since everyone works and no drugs or excessive drinking tolerated. Ideally with other women since it seems like you're willing to give men the benefit of the doubt a lot more. That should be like half the roommate ads on Craig's list.
posted by fshgrl at 11:49 AM on December 20, 2014 [2 favorites]
This is going to be any shared house with professional, sober, working people pretty much in my experience. When I was part of that demographic we wouldn't tolerate people like that and we did plenty of normal social drinking when we had time between our jobs, trips, hobbies etc. You just need to look for places advertising for professional roommates, with a stated desire for quiet evenings since everyone works and no drugs or excessive drinking tolerated. Ideally with other women since it seems like you're willing to give men the benefit of the doubt a lot more. That should be like half the roommate ads on Craig's list.
posted by fshgrl at 11:49 AM on December 20, 2014 [2 favorites]
I think it depends what you mean by "sober community" and not being around alcoholics and the like.
In terms of a living situation, it should be pretty easy to just make not drinking be a priority in terms of finding roommates going forward. Look for ads and listings that sound low-key and like they're not written by partiers. When you meet prospective new roommates, tell them you don't drink and talk about the kind of home environment you'd like. I personally wouldn't use charged language like "sober", "destructive behaviors", etc, just say you don't drink and are looking for a quiet, grown up, and healthy home environment.
It might help to look for living situations where you'd have only one or at most two roommates, and said roommate(s) are both on board with the type of living situation you're looking for.
In my experience most people aren't alcoholics and this shouldn't be that hard to find, especially in NYC where people tend to have roommates beyond the early 20s constant partying binge drinking years. In fact I'd say that if you're in your early/mid 20s, try to find roommates in their late 20s or early 30s.
posted by Sara C. at 11:58 AM on December 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
In terms of a living situation, it should be pretty easy to just make not drinking be a priority in terms of finding roommates going forward. Look for ads and listings that sound low-key and like they're not written by partiers. When you meet prospective new roommates, tell them you don't drink and talk about the kind of home environment you'd like. I personally wouldn't use charged language like "sober", "destructive behaviors", etc, just say you don't drink and are looking for a quiet, grown up, and healthy home environment.
It might help to look for living situations where you'd have only one or at most two roommates, and said roommate(s) are both on board with the type of living situation you're looking for.
In my experience most people aren't alcoholics and this shouldn't be that hard to find, especially in NYC where people tend to have roommates beyond the early 20s constant partying binge drinking years. In fact I'd say that if you're in your early/mid 20s, try to find roommates in their late 20s or early 30s.
posted by Sara C. at 11:58 AM on December 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
It has a lot of other weird connotations, but you might try searching with the term "straight edge."
posted by that's how you get ants at 12:02 PM on December 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by that's how you get ants at 12:02 PM on December 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
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Please understand I am not discounting the serious danger of alcohol, I think it's a powerful drug people underestimate.
posted by nickggully at 6:38 AM on December 20, 2014