Should I encourage or redirect my little kid's interest in death?

December 15, 2014 7:43 PM

She is a happy and healthy three-year-old who is very curious and bright, and one of her growing interests is death and horror. Currently, we redirect to less morbid topics, but with the comparatively same level of interest in for ballet, we've got books and ballet costumes and play ballet music and have taken her to watch ballet classes, etc, so we're uncertain how to handle this goth phase from our own biases.

She likes to daily hold play funerals and go into detail about how her dolls died - we redirect to pretend surgery to save the dolls, and medical play, but she is big on dissection and blood and gore. This morning, a bad man killed her baby doll, and she had a cremation after the baby died in surgery, involving lots of funeral imagery. She is fascinated by the crucifixion part of Easter, and wants very much to watch videos where people die peacefully - we only realised this because I had been watching a lot of Murder She Wrote, which she really really likes. At the library yesterday, she picked a book of ghost and goblin stories with creepy pictures, and her favourite game with other children at the moment is Baba Yaga who "eats children like they're chickens!" She loves skeletons and her prize book is an anatomy book for adults because of the detailed illustrations.

She's not at all violent, plays well with other children, and she very rarely has bad dreams. She's gentle with our pets and shows great empathy when people are sad, trying to comfort them and being upset as well. We're religious and matter of fact about death and that everyone will die and there's an afterlife (no hell imagery - our basic teaching to her, consistent with our beliefs is that some people will refuse to be with God even after death, and be very lonely and sad). She watches basically children's cartoons, and gets scared of the horror films she sometimes sees her much older siblings watching and doesn't want to watch them, so it's not coming from media-exposure (no tv news) or trauma - she's never been to a funeral or had an immediate friend or relative die. We have raised a traumatised sibling who earlier used true crime media obsessively as a coping mechanism, and this is very different, more playful and fascinated.

Basically: does anyone else have a goth toddler? Will she outgrow this? Should we encourage it as just another interest, or continue to firmly redirect to less creepy stuff?

posted by viggorlijah to Human Relations (31 answers total)

I don't know. But I want to suggest Neil Gaiman for the creepy horror stories that are still toddler level. Toddler anachronism loved Wolves in the Walls even as she hid from certain pages.
posted by geek anachronism at 7:46 PM on December 15, 2014 [4 favorites]

This sounds perfectly normal and healthy. Children use play to work their way through understanding difficult concepts. Something as abstract as death is hard enough for adults to grapple with; sounds like your daughter is doing a great job fitting death into Her World.
posted by pintapicasso at 7:58 PM on December 15, 2014 [10 favorites]

This is completely normal. If I were you I would not be redirecting her away from these forms of play; by doing so, you are conveying to her the idea that what she's doing is somehow bad. It's just something she's interested in. Let her have it. She sounds awesome.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 8:27 PM on December 15, 2014 [18 favorites]

From your description, you are exposing her to these things, and yet you are asking why she is into these things. I never exposed my 3 year old to these things. So what is your question?
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 8:29 PM on December 15, 2014 [23 favorites]

I know Mimi Smartypants has blogged some about having a little kid with some thoroughly morbid interests, though I think for her kid it was more "roadkill animals are fascinating" and less "doll funeral."

Admittedly her blog is mostly very dry self-deprecating humor and not serious parenting advice, and so depending on how you feel about that sort of thing it might or might not be a comforting thing to read if you're dealing with some "is my family normal" type worries. But if you don't find her tone too off-putting you might enjoy reading stories from a fellow parent whose attitude towards this is more or less "WTF kid, that's kind of dark and weird, but you're awesome and I love you."
posted by nebulawindphone at 8:30 PM on December 15, 2014 [1 favorite]

I don't have a real answer to your question because I don't have offspring... but your question made me think of this essay in the Paris Review that I read a while back-- it is about how/when a child becomes aware of death and mortality.
posted by gemutlichkeit at 8:31 PM on December 15, 2014

Response by poster: Marie Mon Dieu, she's interested on her own. We answer her questions matter-of-factly and she will go from seeing a dead bug at the playground to asking what will happen to her bones when they are buried in the ground, more than the other kids I know. She has supervised media access appropriate to her age, and is as happy to watch Angelina Ballerina as she is to watch a video of a snake biting a man (today's request, turned into snake eggs hatching instead).

I'm fine with her being a weirdo, I'm just not sure if this is something to encourage, ignore or work to extinguish as an interest.
posted by viggorlijah at 8:43 PM on December 15, 2014

"She watches basically children's cartoons, and gets scared of the horror films she sometimes sees her much older siblings watching and doesn't want to watch them, so it's not coming from media-exposure"

That is an oxymoronic statement. If she has seen scenes from horror movies at her age... enough to know that she doesn't want to watch the movies, then she's most certainly been exposed to this through media.

1) There's no point in her stumbling onto such tv programs and movies that others around her are watching so you might as well put a stop to it. Her siblings need to understand this as well and make sure she's not anywhere near the room so she can't hear the scary music and screaming from the TV when they watch these movies either.

2) I wouldn't discourage her playing because her play is just showing you what's going on in her head. The playing just shows what she's been exposed to. If you want you can show the child some children's programming on death. Sesame Street has a famous episode of when Big Bird finds out that Mr. Hooper has died. There are things like this that would be way more appropriate for her age I think.
posted by rancher at 8:58 PM on December 15, 2014 [24 favorites]

I think it's pretty normal.
When my child was about 2-3 she constantly asked me for bedtime stories about "owies" and I had to think of every scratch and broken bone I ever suffered, and after I exhausted all of those tales, I made up stories about children falling from trees and on rollerskates.
In addition to the story, she wanted to see pictures of the owies. I did my best to show her less-disgusting pictures of, say, broken arms.
She spent 4-6 months in this phase.
It's a part of life and if your child's interest isn't distressing to her, you, or others, just let it run its course.
The world needs funeral home directors and hospice workers, too. Maybe she's already set in her career choice.
posted by littlewater at 9:00 PM on December 15, 2014 [7 favorites]

There was a This American Life or Moth podcast from a funeral director talking about his childhood interest in death. He was much older than three during the stories he told, but if you could dig that up (ha ha ha! I slay myself! ha ha ha) -- you might find it easier to go along with her interests. He is just so very into funerals. They clearly make him so happy and are a source of connection to others in the community. The best part is this long, unbroken segment wherein he describes his future funeral in great detail and with such pride. If you'd give it a listen but can't find it let me know and I'll try to find it for you. You sound like good parents and she sounds like a very inquisitive and creative kid, so I wouldn't be too worried!
posted by salvia at 9:10 PM on December 15, 2014 [4 favorites]

At 3 you can also start to tell her, "This is an okay thing to be interested in but it might upset other people. Please ask mom and dad first before springing it on strangers."
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 9:15 PM on December 15, 2014 [5 favorites]

I think it's normal developmentally for kids to have weird fascinations/fixations that come and go, including about death or illness. She might tire of ballet and pick up soccer; death and dying might be the same. I think also that preschoolers are sometimes more cavalier about death than adults expect because they can't grasp the permanence of it (even when it is explained to them as permanent), so to them it's just a thing that a person might do, like changing schools or moving to a new house. So she might be interested in a thing that to her is mysterious and ritualized, but not scary and painful.

I think it's fine to explore her interest in a non-macabre way that you're comfortable with. She could learn about funerals/death in different cultures- not every culture sees dying as something bad/scary/spooky, and I'm sure there are kids books about things like Dia De Los Muertes and reincarnation, along with general Western "dealing with death" stuff.

General "what is death"/"a person or pet I know died now what" books for children might be a good idea no matter what. Maybe there's something about death or dying that she is trying to work out or is curious about but doesn't have the language to ask (maybe "what does dying feel like" or "does dying hurt" based on her play but I'm not an expert; that's just a layman's wild guess.).

You could also talk to her about how there are jobs helping others deal with death. My dad used to say that being a funeral director was a great job because you got to help people through a difficult time in their lives. You can emphasize things like planning a memorial service and helping a family rather than the embalming. There are also doctors and nurses who comfort others while they are dying and that is a very kind thing to do. Some scientists study the bodies of deceased people to learn more about how our bodies work, and it is very generous of the deceased person to give us the gift of knowledge and health. Etc.

I think a lot of the other stuff you describe is very normal imaginative play and it's fine to engage with her on it. Lots of kids have a spooky/ghosty phase or there wouldn't be a million kids spooky storytime books. Stuff like Baba Yaga is not that far from the "I'm eating your toes! I'm eating your fingers!" games we play with toddlers. You could say things like, "What? Baba Yaga can't eat kids! His mouth is too small! It's tiny like this!" Make a fish face. Just imaginative stuff that doesn't dwell on the death/dying part but is more focused on the silly spooky idea.

In general I think her interest in death and her interest in spooky stories might be two different interests, both pretty normal.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 9:21 PM on December 15, 2014 [7 favorites]

This is a really difficult question to answer. I'll give you my take on the concept of death as it pertains to young minds. This may be a bit long winded.

I have a three year old. Before she was born we had a son who died very shortly after his birth. We made the decision that were we to have more children we would never hide from them the fact that they have an older brother who died. We talk about him openly, go on special trips on his birthday, his grandparents have a memorial garden for him. Because of this our daughter's exposure to the concept of death happened at a very young age and she naturally became very curious. Her interest in the concept has waned over the last six months but I recognize some of your daughter's interests and activities as ones my daughter had/engaged in. Her grandmother (a retired psychologist) and uncle (a child psychiatrist) never saw anything in her behavior that was concerning.

We explained to her that every thing that lives will eventually die and that it is a completely normal and natural part of life. We tell her that it isn't something to fear and that we (her parents) plan on living until she is very old and has babies of her own. We tell her that no matter what, when we die, she will always be taken care of. As a result she has never expressed fear of death and seems to be at peace (insomuch as we can tell) with the idea of death and that she has a brother who died.

My dear sister's children, in contrast to my own, only have a very vague concept of death. I respect my sister as a parent very much but I do not agree with how she has chosen to deal with this issue with her own kids. They are school aged children whose fish get quickly replaced when they die so that their death goes unnoticed. When their cousin (my son) died they were not told (it was simply not discussed) and five years later they still do not know because their parents believe it would be traumatizing. I shudder to think how traumatized they will be when presented with a death that their parents cannot shield them from.

I guess what I am trying to say is that death is a part of life and by trying to redirect your child's curiosity you are not really doing her any favors in the long run. Let her work through it. Let her ask questions. Make her feel as safe and secure as you can without lying to her or discouraging her from exploring this natural curiosity.
posted by teamnap at 9:34 PM on December 15, 2014 [15 favorites]

According to my parents, I had this phase when I was about 3-4. I definitely remember flashes of it, too. My parents were pretty matter of fact about my questions, which is commendable because now I know about their various fears and family problems around death and I'm amazed how they managed not to project any of that onto me.

I didn't entirely grow out of it; I've always been interested in the cultural traditions and individual experiences surrounding and involving death, but I also was never exactly "goth". I am in fact a super scaredy cat about gore, but death itself has never really scared me. I went to college for art and art history and I did a lot of projects and papers about funeral practices and related topics, in addition to all the other stuff I was into at the time.

I've got my problems but when it comes to death I'm the person in my social groups who other people rely on, and yes, this includes my own parents' handling of loved ones who have died. It's something about myself that I'm proud of. And now that I've had people die on me, I can also be proud of how I've handled my own grief.

Anyway, because of my own history with this, I've paid attention when others talk about similar people, and learned about it through my art history studies. Almost everybody goes through at least one phase where they really get into death and funerals (for a lot of people it's all mixed up with church stuff); I think it's intrinsically related to folklore (your Baba Yaga reference is really pinging me.) And folklore is a great way for little kids to learn about things that are dangerous and scary in a safe way; it helps us process without fear of harm. It might be that your kid will have a lifelong interest, or it could just be a phase, maybe one that they revisit at different levels of maturity and awareness. I certainly wouldn't stifle or redirect it.

One thing you could do is learn about how different cultures have different funereal practices, and share those with your kid. Did you know that in East Asia people wear white to funerals? Fascinating stuff, a good way to introduce her to different types of ideas, and a convenient avenue for branching off into other non-death topics.
posted by Mizu at 10:28 PM on December 15, 2014 [5 favorites]

I am not a parent.

As a child, I used to hold funerals for dead birds. I even brought one home from school in a shoebox and buried it in our backyard. I did this with friends of mine. We would re-write church hymns to fit the occasion, and sing them as we were burying the dead bird. I don't know what my mom thought, but she didn't discourage it. I still look back on these events fondly along with so many other childhood memories.

To give some context, I also loved classic movie monsters (especially the Wolf Man) and loved anything having to do with ghosts despite how much they scared me. When I was young I acquired (through school!) a book that depicted in graphic detail JFK'S assassination. It was one of my favorites.

At the same time, I was very fearful of dying in a fire. It consumed much of my thoughts. My mom would comfort me at night and tell me about all the things I could do to make sure that I was safe. She would hold me and tell me to think about Disneyworld. I think that worked.

Today I'm very much okay at age 26. The family dog died two years ago, and I stayed up all night with her until she took her last breath. I don't think anyone else in my family could have done that. Thankfully I have never had to deal with the death of an immediate family member, but I have a lot of faith in your daughter and her future ability to deal with sadness and even tragedy in a productive way.
posted by blixapuff at 12:51 AM on December 16, 2014 [4 favorites]

Here's the TL;DR run down:

1. It's normal.
2. Let her be curious.
3. Keep it age appropriate.
4. No more murder mysteries or horror movies.
5. Talk to your daughter herself about why she's interested in this subject if you haven't already. Ask her if she's worried about anything and reassure her.

Now, on to the long answer.

It's not harmful for her to be intensely interested in death at this age, and three to four seems to be the age children first start wondering about death. It's best to be open, honest and direct when talking with her about death and you should make sure that it's at a level that's appropriate for her age. Media with violence, gore or death would absolutely not be appropriate avenues for her curiosity about death, especially nothing like a snake biting someone and you were right to redirect that request. In the interest of keeping things age-appropriate, I really like Mizu's suggestion of investigating other cultures' folklore, practices and thoughts about death. It may help channel her more extreme requests for information into a healthier place.

I do want to point out that you say your daughter's media viewing is supervised, and you say her interest in death's not coming from media exposure but you let her watch Murder, She Wrote with you and she's apparently been exposed multiple times to horror movies that your other children watch. Death can also be a surprisingly common theme in children's media (see Bambi), so if you're not watching shows and movies with her you might want to start looking them up online to see if they're suitable.

Common Sense Media gives Murder, She Wrote a 12 rating, meaning that it's most appropriate at or beyond age 12 and they don't consider it appropriate for ages under 8. To elaborate, Murder, She Wrote is an entire television show about dead people, funerals, death, violence and murder. As adults that typically wouldn't phase us because we're familiar with the idea of death and we understand fiction. We'd also likely consider it a cheesy, harmless, tame old show, but to a three year old just coming to grips with concepts like life, death, fiction and media, it may have taken on a prominence that you haven't considered.

Your daughter is examining these ideas now because she's recently been exposed to them. She's trying to understand what death means and she's processing the imagery and concepts she's seen. Think about why she'd want to see peaceful deaths, for example. The ones she's been exposed to on television have been violent, gory or caused by murder. If she's learning that death exists and every living thing dies, it may be that she wants the comfort of knowing that the people she loves will die peacefully and not as murder victims like the people on Murder, She Wrote.

When you write "She likes to daily hold play funerals and go into detail about how her dolls died", consider that she's probably parroting what she's seen on Murder, She Wrote. Isn't this pretty much what Angela Lansbury does in every single episode? She may be using Jessica Fletcher (an adult, one with a kindly, grandmotherly demeanor, no less) as a model for how to behave when faced with the idea of death. Also, she's three and can't completely verbalize her motivations and thought processes so she's acting out what she's seen to understand it, become familiar with it and reassure herself.

Have you talked to your daughter about how she became interested in death and why she finds it interesting? Ask her if she has any questions for you about death, she might want to know if or how it could affect your family but not know how to ask. Talking to children about death can help alleviate their fear of it.

I can also offer you the anecdata that I was very smart and curious at an early age and I also enjoyed reading and looking at anatomy and medical texts, but unlike your daughter I also was watching horror movies (more of the old school monster kind, though) and reading books about vampires and other supernatural phenomena. When I was five or six I was enraptured by a history my mother had about the life of Vlad Tepes and my favorite parts were when he was impaling people. I've always loved Halloween and scary things, but I'd say that it's a fun subject for me and not a scary, creepy thing that took over my life (also, I'd say my mother has some 'splainin' to do regarding my own media supervision as a child).

If you're really worried, you can consult a mental health professional who works with children, but it's really unlikely to be a big deal. At such a young age, this is more likely just a phase brought on by what she's been seeing on television. Once she's fully processed these ideas, and you've made sure to address any fears about death, she'll probably move on. Allow her curiosity to run its natural course, and if that takes her all the way into adulthood, so be it. Maybe she'll grow up to be the next P.D. James or an amazing pathologist who helps grieving families.
posted by i feel possessed at 2:17 AM on December 16, 2014 [7 favorites]

N-thing not to worry. Sometimes kids will get a little obsessive with something in play - I got kind of weirdly hung up on pregnancy, labor, and birth for a few months, and remember acting out a lot of delivery-room scenarios during play for a while when I was a kid, but then I gradually just got interested in something else. It was about the same time that I'd learned more about labor and birth being A Thing, and I think it was just how I was processing it. I don't remember being disturbed about it or scared or uneasy, it was just something I was fascinated with. And then I got over it.

I agree that play is sometimes how kids sort of deal with some of the "this is a freaky part of life which I don't quite get right now but I know I will have to deal with someday" concepts. It's like, rehearsal for stuff. And then after a while, they feel sufficiently rehearsed and "ready" for if it happens, and something else catches their interest and that's that (in my case I think it was STAR WARS).
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:22 AM on December 16, 2014

Hey, I was reading the preemie audiobook question and saw your answer there (promise I didn't look at your profile). It sounds like it was a while ago and you've stopped listening to it now, but if that was your daughter you mentioned she might be still remembering "the bad things" and that might contributing to this current interest in death. I could also see how, in conjunction with MSW, it might cause her to become preoccupied with death. WTNV does mention death a lot.
posted by i feel possessed at 3:19 AM on December 16, 2014 [2 favorites]

I agree with I feel possessed, S/he put it very clearly.
And I would emphasise: let her act it out, don't redirect, at least not when she is alone (it might spook other children and their parents).

My boy was 2 1/2 when his grandpa, whom he loved much, died. By some weird conicidence (too long for here) he actually entered the room just as my father had done his last breath. It was a peaceful death in my arms but I was crying.
He was at the funeral and by his own choice sat down next to the grave with my husband/his dad and watched closely as 200+ people threw in the shovel of earth and flowers in turn which is costumary where we live.

Starting the next day, and in the months following the funeral, he wanted me to call grandpa - something we often did, and was furious and angry when I explained it is not possible. He was furious with me and blamed me for not calling grandpa, for about a year. I tried to explain, I cried and explained, but he could not grasp what death means.

What I want to say with this is, I don't think a child of three can understand what being dead is, even if he sees it happen - so I had to really spell it out: dead means, he cannot answer the phone. He cannot get into the car to visit us. Grandpa is now in a different place where there is no phone and no car.
I felt brutal, but I saw it helped him come to terms with the loss. For a long time now he did not mention grandpa but ocasionally he mentions him, and just 2 weeks ago he unearthed a photo showing them together and set it out so he can see it every day.

Death on TV is even more difficult: they are dead but not really (unless it is a documentary of course). At three I think it is impossible for them to judge what is real and what is fiction, even now with 6 he does not always grasp what is fiction and what is not.

Some more lighthearted personal anecdata - I also did enact funerals as child, at around 8 or 9, with matchbox coffins and matchstick corpses. This came from hearing on the radio (no TV then, I am that old) about the death of our country's president at the time. It must have spooked my aunt, as she forbade my cousins to join in, but did not last long.
And after school we would go visit the cemetary across from our primary school and collect knuckle bones (this is a very, very old cemetary and people have been buried there more hundreds of years).
posted by 15L06 at 4:14 AM on December 16, 2014 [3 favorites]

Some good answers above. It's pretty normal, is my understanding (link to a short article, second paragraph talks about dolls). I would not get too worried about it really.

You might also be interested in this little essay for a slightly different take.

I remember requesting and conducting elaborate funerals around that age and up to about age 6 when my goldfish died, as they frequently did.

Re Baba Yaga the witch, mythology and fairy tales have always been an interest of mine, which started in childhood (my mother was German, so we had plenty of fairy tale books around including the Grimm brothers stories). You might check out what Bruno Bettelheim had to say about them in his book The Uses of Enchantment: The Meaning and Importance of Fairy Tales. Courtesy of the entry on the book in Wikipedia:

In the book, Bettelheim discusses the emotional and symbolic importance of fairy tales for children, including traditional tales at one time considered too dark, such as those collected and published by the Brothers Grimm. Bettelheim suggested that traditional fairy tales, with the darkness of abandonment, death, witches, and injuries, allowed children to grapple with their fears in remote, symbolic terms. If they could read and interpret these fairy tales in their own way, he believed, they would get a greater sense of meaning and purpose. Bettelheim thought that by engaging with these socially evolved stories, children would go through emotional growth that would better prepare them for their own futures.

Finally, if you can get hold of episodes of the classic American children's show Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood (I see a lot of episodes are up on youtube) it is a wonderful gentle show for kids the age of your daughter (to watch in lieu of stuff like Murder She Wrote, in other words). One of the classic episodes happens to be on the death of his goldfish, but I am not recommending it just for that.
posted by gudrun at 4:41 AM on December 16, 2014 [2 favorites]

I'm just not sure if this is something ... to extinguish as an interest.

Why would you want to extinguish her interests (even if you could, which is not necessarily possible)? Death is a very legitimate interest — it's inherently fascinating, and there are many very careers that involve death. You say she's big on "dissection" — you're referring to an autopsy, which is an important surgical procedure that needs to be conducted by skilled professionals. She's exploring how the world works, possibly with more enthusiasm than ever before in her life. If she sees you trying to squelch that instinct, it could have broader consequences that you might not have intended.
posted by John Cohen at 5:30 AM on December 16, 2014 [2 favorites]

Many children are not exposed to the media that your toddler has been exposed to, which is why her behavior seems odd. She is having a perfectly normal, toddler reaction to something that isn't normal. She has seen some things that she doesn't understand and she is trying to figure it all out. The problem is, she has seen shows that romanticize death. If she were play-acting in response to a pet or a loved one's real death, it would be perfectly healthy and nothing to worry about. The fact that she is play-acting to media that she should not have seen, and is clearly confused about it enough that it has affected her, is troubling. My advice to you is to re-evaluate her time at home and allow her more time to be a little kid. Exposing her to those images changed who she is as a person. Continuing to expose her to those images and encouraging goth behavior will set the change. She may be strong enough to handle this but why make her? Let her be a pretty, pink princess for a little longer. The innocent bubble of childhood doesn't last very long, let her have it while she can.

I know that it is difficult with older kids in the house. I've had that struggle as well. It's meant me being vigilant in talking to my oldest kid about what he can and cannot share with his much younger sisters. It has meant me allowing him to have television in his room (which I'm against), just so he could get his older kid fix without exposing them. It has meant me saving my programs until they are asleep. But it's been worth it to me.
posted by myselfasme at 5:53 AM on December 16, 2014 [2 favorites]

Re: what is appropriate media and what isn't. My parents never put any restrictions on my media consumption as a child. Never. I had a Freddy Kreuger board game as an 8 year old. I turned out to be a normal, productive adult and I still love horror movies. Just one data point to consider.
posted by Librarypt at 5:55 AM on December 16, 2014 [1 favorite]

it's not coming from media-exposure

I had been watching a lot of Murder She Wrote, which she really really likes.

the horror films she sometimes sees her much older siblings watching

I'm sorry, but you are in denial. I would not allow my three-year-old to watch Murder She Wrote - it is literally a show in which someone is killed in every episode. What is a three-year-old supposed to do with that? How can that world possibly make sense to them? And horror films with a three-year-old in the room? That's simply not okay.

Your girl is probably going to be just fine, and it sounds like she's working through the things she has been exposed to in her own way, which is awesome. But please, rethink the things you are allowing her to be exposed to.
posted by jbickers at 6:00 AM on December 16, 2014 [10 favorites]

I don't think you should stress about this, but I have a 3-year-old and I don't think she's fully capable of understanding death. I don't think she can grasp the idea that someone is truly gone forever and the feelings of grief and sadness that this provokes in older people. So our pet died and she knows it died and that it's not coming back but she also knows it went to a "farm" and I don't think she would be too surprised if the pet came back tomorrow. As a result I don't think that death needs to be hidden from her but it doesn't seem that helpful to "encourage" her interest in it either.
posted by leopard at 7:16 AM on December 16, 2014

There is nothing wrong with your child asking about death or your openness to answering her questions, but the level of detail and knowledge she seems to show about mature subjects surrounding traumatic, unnatural death would concern me.

My three year old is also skirting the idea of death, as we had a beloved family pet that died in the last few months. Our dog became sick, did not respond to the treatment and died suddenly. Now my son has asked numerous questions that we've answered as best as we can to a three year old - he knows that Bogie was very sick, too sick to get better, is not coming back, and we are all very sad - but he has never mentioned funerals, blood or gore of any sort. If we've done our jobs well, I believe he shouldn't for some time. He has the rest of his adult life to be worried about these sorts of things, and I think exposure to mature subjects above his age robs him of his childhood innocence.

He loves skulls and Halloween and slightly scary things, but he knows skulls as the bones in our head, he knows blood because he's been hurt, and he knows spiders scare him because he thinks they're gross (but fascinating and helpful). He knows that hurting others is wrong, but he is not ready for the idea of murder or gore, even quaintly. As brilliant and curious and wonderful as he is, he still doesn't have the brainpower to add 5 and 5 together, let alone have even a slight understanding what forever means or to never see someone again.

I'd be less concerned with asking and wondering about death than where your three year old is getting specific, detailed and (to me) inappropriate knowledge of "cremation after the baby died in surgery" and "dissection and blood and gore". In my experience with raising numerous kids and two of my own, they don't have instinctual knowledge of adult topics like rites, surgery risks, burials or cremations - it's learned. Kind of like (but to a much lesser degree, of course) a small child being curious about the human body; they should be answered and taught, but knowledge of sexual proclivities is not necessary and beyond normal bounds until ready.
posted by dozo at 10:53 AM on December 16, 2014 [1 favorite]

In the interests of Work Through it and Out the Other Side, she might be interested in this book on What Is Alive (part of an awesome science series for kids), even though a lot of its concepts may be simple, given the discussions you've already had. Helps give life and death a context and structure...
posted by acm at 2:12 PM on December 16, 2014 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Thanks for all the thoughtful answers and discussion. My husband and I have been talking through the comments, and we've decided we are fine with encouraging her morbid interests because that's who she is. She has very definite preferences for particular types of spooky scary stories and will close or withdraw from a story that is too much for her - she loves The Last Unicorn for example, but leaves the room during the Red Bull parts, and we extended the story so that the Red Bull chases fish and lives happily at the bottom of the sea. Night Vale was too creepy for her, and so I stopped listening within earshot of her, but Murder She Wrote is a firm favourite because she likes the very clearly telegraphed emotions.

We took her to a friend's dad's funeral when she was a year old, and she also sees funerals in the public areas where we live, but she has a very typical for our community exposure to funerals and death, including media exposure, and an unusually high interest compared to other kids with the same media and community exposure. It's not a painful interest as it was for our other traumatised child, but a fascination in the rituals and mythic and emotional elements of death and fear.

And she knows about cremation and surgical risks and snakes because she asks specifically - what can you do with a dead body if you don't bury it, what happens if a baby goes to hospital and the doctor can't fix the broken parts, and if a snake bites me, what will happen to my leg, and on and on. We answer in practical and reassuring ways because otherwise she asks everybody else and people give her lousy answers (A well-meaning friend told her that if she kept picking up sticks, bugs inside them would bite her, and she was scared of all the sticks on the ground until we broke some apart and showed her how tiny the bugs were and how to check for big ants on sticks before picking them up).

Definitely getting Wolves in the Wall and I'm getting Nightmare before Christmas as a special treat for her this weekend. It's been fascinating to see what a range of parenting opinions are about this topic, and has definitely helped us figure out our parenting boundaries.
posted by viggorlijah at 6:54 PM on December 16, 2014 [2 favorites]

This recommendation is more for you than your daughter - you may want to check out the work of Caitlin Doughty. She became internet famous with the YouTube series Ask a Mortician and this year published a funny and thoughtful memoir titled Smoke Gets in Your Eyes about her early years as a crematory operator, and her thoughts on American "death culture". In both types of media she has reflected on being a "morbid child" and how her parents and family responded to her interests.
posted by purlgurly at 12:34 AM on December 17, 2014 [1 favorite]

Thanks for the feedback.

Just as an aside: I came across this study today by accident: CARTOONS KILL: casualties in animated recreational theater in an objective observational new study of kids’ introduction to loss of life. No pay wall.
Finally someone confirms my feeling/bias that in all those Disney movies, someone (often mom and/or dad) needlessly dies within the first minutes. I'd rather he watches documentaries where killer whales hunt baby seals or lions eat baby gazelles (which he does with gusto).
posted by 15L06 at 8:01 AM on December 17, 2014

If you get tired of the death, teach her about where babies come from. Hours of interesting conversations.
posted by MadMadam at 4:14 PM on December 17, 2014 [1 favorite]