Help me un-tight my business and enjoy sex
December 11, 2014 4:03 PM   Subscribe

I really want to enjoy sex but my vagina is too tight for that to happen.

I am F-24 and I have had sex only a couple of times. One of the main reasons is that I am too tight and I haven't had pleasant experiences, so I never really look forward to it very much. The same thing with masturbation. I can deal with a little bit of rubbing but I never put anything *in* there. Oral sex doesn't hurt at all but I haven't really enjoyed it much and honestly I think I have never had an orgasm. I have had nice feelings let's say, but nothing mind-blowing. It is difficult for guys to penetrate me and when they do I can handle it, but it doesn't feel good.

Reasons this might be happening:
-lack of experience and "exploring" myself.
-low libido (caused by the pill maybe?)
-low self-esteem (I feel ugly, therefore I can't be sexy, I feel kind of awkward during sex --> jerk brain)
-small vagina (that's what the guy i'm dating said; my gyno never said anything, but I didn't enjoy my pap smear either)
-I am always tense. I grind my teeth at night, I catch myself cletching my toes/fists. I really don't know why this happens.

I feel frustrated and angry at my body and my brain because I really really want to enjoy sex! I am dating a great guy who now knows about this and has been very supportive, so I want to do everything I can to improve this situation for both of us, but especially me. I want to know what an orgasm feels like!

Solutions I found online:
-"just relax" ¬¬
- this
- use your imagination (to visualize good sex)
- lube up and extend foreplay
- drink wine before you have sex
- yoga, exercise in general

Mefites: I will try ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING, please let me know if you have experienced this and how you managed to overcome this. Do you think these solutions will work? Can you recommend more things? Please, only positive, encouraging comments. I can't really deal with people saying "You're doomed" :'(

( thankyoumefite @ gmail com )
posted by anonymous to Health & Fitness (23 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite

 
I'm not giving you a diagnosis by any means, but if you look up/talk to your doctor about vaginismus, you might get a lot more information. One of the most common tips is to try using a set of dildoes/dilators (with lots of lube of course), starting with a very small size and working up to larger ones. I personally would definitely recommend a vibrator if you've never tried one - they come in many sizes too!
posted by treehorn+bunny at 4:12 PM on December 11, 2014 [5 favorites]


I think it would be a good idea to work on any issues with arousal before working on issues of tightness/penetration fear. It doesn't sound like penetration hurts - it just takes awhile and doesn't feel particularly good? I don't actually think that's very abnormal, especially if it's being treated as a requirement for sex, and not something that will feel good for both partners.

Do you get aroused by porn or erotica or romance novels? I think the "use your imagination" advice is meant to help you get aroused, not, like, the power of positive thinking or anything like that.

Have you tried (external) sex toys like vibrators? I know quite a few women who didn't have an orgasm until they tried a vibrator.
posted by muddgirl at 4:13 PM on December 11, 2014 [2 favorites]


Believe it or not, painful intercourse is an issue that gynecologists treat very routinely. Don't be afraid to make an appointment with your gynecologist (and good on you for having one already!) specifically to discuss this. She or he is in the best position to tell you if you really do have an anatomical issue that may make intercourse more difficult, or if you really need to "just relax" or any one of a million other issues and their associated potential solutions.
posted by telegraph at 4:14 PM on December 11, 2014 [5 favorites]


Ditto treehorn+bunny. Talk to a doctor. This sounds like a problem a friend of mine had, and the solution was surgery.
posted by dis_integration at 4:14 PM on December 11, 2014 [1 favorite]


It sounds like you don't have any experience with masturbation either. In order to know what you like during sex, a certain amount of self-exploration is necessary. I would start here, and use smaller objects for penetration, starting with your fingers and working up to dildoes.

Also, expecting PIV (penis in vagina) sex to automatically result in having an orgasm is probably not a good idea. Orgasms are usually, for women, the result of clitoral stimulation. If you start masturbating and learning what your own body is like, you will discover this. Many women never come from PIV sex. There's nothing wrong with this. There are other ways.
posted by Beethoven's Sith at 4:14 PM on December 11, 2014 [5 favorites]


You're not naturally tight, babies make their way through vaginas every day. Things are meant to stretch. But like all stretching you may need

You can discuss this with your gynecologist. She may have an idea (no one enjoys the pap smear. No one.)

Watch some porn to see if there's anything that turn you on.

Try different dildos to see if you can move up in size.

If you're nervous, imbibe something that makes you less so.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 4:15 PM on December 11, 2014 [1 favorite]


Take a look at my posting history. This is not all that uncommon. Working with dilators and a real pelvic floor therapist was really the only thing that helped me work through it. But there are people who are trained to help with this. Seek them out - and remember, you're not alone.

(Oh, also, uh "self-exploration?" Kind of neat. And also kind of helpful. It's a win-win.)
posted by bookgirl18 at 4:20 PM on December 11, 2014 [5 favorites]


I got over this with dilators.
posted by chainsofreedom at 4:21 PM on December 11, 2014


I also was going to say look into vaginismus. Talk to your gynecologist. I've made the most progress by working with a pelvic floor physio; mine was recommended to me by my gynecologist. If you are going to work with dilators, I think the Amielle Comfort brand is the best. I would recommend the following books for pelvic pain: Ending Female Pain and Heal Pelvic Pain. For not being able to orgasm, I would recommend For Yourself. Also vibrators if you haven't tried them yet, but I get annoyed when my doctors suggest that cause yes, after seven years of this I've tried everything obvious. Feel free to memail me or take a look through my posting history.
posted by carolr at 4:22 PM on December 11, 2014 [3 favorites]


You mention that you're always tense: tight muscles, teeth grinding. It's possible for that sort of tension to make the muscles around your vagina, rectum, vulva &c tense as well. It could be from frustration or anger -- and it makes sense you could be feeling those things. But the tension could also be a sign of anxiety -- mental health issues can lead directly to physical issues. So just one more thing to consider.

Confusingly, the terminology around tight and sore vaginas has been changing every 5 years. Pelvic floor dysfunction relates to tightness; vestibulodynia or vulvodynia or vulvitis are used for Vulvo-vaginal pain. Folks at NVA.org can tell you much more, included a great step-by-step exam to teach yourself the name for all the bits and compare sensations. Often the same those physical therapists work with both, so cross referencing might be useful when seeking a practitioner.
posted by Jesse the K at 5:06 PM on December 11, 2014 [3 favorites]


You're not doomed! First, low libido from the pill is definitely a thing. The next time you visit your gyn, you might want to see if an IUD, NuvaRing, or other low-hormone birth control option would work for you -- for about five years on the pill and a few months after I went off of it, my libido was effectively nonexistent; based on how often it gets brought up by my girlfriends, it's not an uncommon side effect AT ALL.

Everyone above has done a great job of explaining their experiences with the physical side of things, but this is what stuck out to me: You've only had sex a couple of times in your life but the guy you're dating has already taken it upon himself to tell you that you have a small vagina? Something your gynecologist found unworthy of note? And your bf already knows you're pretty new to all this and you always feel tense and you have low self-esteem? I wish I could get a bunch of your friends together so they could judgmentally cluck their tongues at him for you. I just don't think that's a very kind or considerate thing to say to someone who's experiencing a lot of anxiety about a specific part of her anatomy, and I'm sorry he said it, even if it's physiologically true.

Probably the biggest suggestion I have is to be really, really sure that you trust your partner completely, which is like ten steps past "just relax." Like you, I'm a teeth-grinding, fist-clenching walking ball of tension, so I can attest that getting comfortable enough with your body to sort of offer it to someone isn't "just relax," it's just relax around him and with him and with the concept of sharing this intimacy with him and whatever's going to happen after this. It can be kind of intense! My early sexual experiences were very similar to yours; in my case, it just took a long time to realize that I was mostly sleeping with guys I didn't necessarily trust enough to fully and unreservedly give such intimate access to my physical self, and my body was trying to tell me that. So I can't overstate the importance of being able to completely trust your partner in bed and out of it, especially when you're feeling so much anxiety about your body.

In any case, our physical selves are a hell of a thing, and the inherent weirdness of bodies makes sex pretty unavoidably awkward at least some of the time even if you're not experiencing any physical or psychological anxiety about it at all. Even when it's hot! Sometimes you'll try to kiss and accidentally bang your front teeth together in the throes of passion and both of you will crack up and the mood will be ruined. Or not! But as a woman who had a... considerable amount of anxiety about sex and my body when I was your age, after... a lot more experience, I just want to report from the other side of this that sex is an inherently funny and weird thing to do even when it's really, really enjoyable. (To wit: Erotica Written By An Alien Pretending Not To Be Horrified By The Human Body.) So try not to psych yourself out too much, take it super slow, check in with yourself regularly, and make sure you hit the brakes if you're not feeling it. Good luck, this is a fun thing to learn about!
posted by divined by radio at 5:09 PM on December 11, 2014 [12 favorites]


Try not to judge yourself. The human body is lovely and amazing, and that includes yours!
posted by RingerChopChop at 5:18 PM on December 11, 2014


Definitely not doomed. Will nth Ending Female Pain, a good physiotherapist perhaps, and a good partner (and time and experience). FWIW, I've resourced all the above and a glass of wine still helps! I can also vouch that a series of not so fun encounters can lower libido, and a series of great ones can increase it.

On my phone in a restaurant, but feel free to memail me for moral support!
posted by jrobin276 at 5:36 PM on December 11, 2014 [1 favorite]


In any of your explorations (solo or duo) does your vagina lubricate itself? Typically this is the point at which it relaxes enough for penetration, even if you need a bit of extra lube. If you feel with a finger, it gets noticeably bigger. It's kind of a lost cause to attempt penetration before you get to this point - you can't just go jamming stuff up there any old time - so if you aren't getting there already, that should be your immediate focus. I'd suggest reading erotica (literotica has something for everyone if you aren't too fussy about proofreading), looking at dirty photos, or watching porn, because sometimes that can get the juices flowing (so to speak). If you aren't getting good and lubricated right now, that can be from birth control, or maybe just inexperience. I had trouble until I quit all hormones - including nuvaring - and got a copper IUD.

I do think you should try to address the issue solo first. Set yourself a practice schedule! (No, seriously.) In the mood or not, go on an exploration every other night. Hopefully you'll find once you get started you're in the mood to continue!
Once you're consistently getting wet, you can start practicing penetration with gradually larger objects.
posted by telepanda at 5:53 PM on December 11, 2014 [2 favorites]


Try a crystal wand
posted by txtwinkletoes at 6:46 PM on December 11, 2014


If you've only had sex literally a couple of times, I would suggest being a bit more patient with yourself. When I first started having sex, it wasn't until the fourth time that my partner actually got all the way in. I bled a bit each of those four times. It wasn't great, but everything improved dramatically after that.

It sounds like you might need to work up to PIV sex a little bit more. Try doing everything else. Make out, give each other massages, try more oral and manual stuff, try masturbating while he kisses you.

A friend of mine told me that before she initiates sex with her boyfriend, she puts just a tiny little bit of lube in and around the opening of her vagina. It's not enough that he would notice that she put lube there, but she found that it helps get her natural lubrication flowing. She then uses a little bit more lube on the condom, because she finds condoms drying.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 6:53 PM on December 11, 2014 [1 favorite]


Can you take PIV sex completely (and I mean completely) off the table for now?

It sounds like you haven't had a whole lot of sexual experience, and you're nervous, which is TOTALLY understandable, but makes PIV sex much harder. There's so much other incredibly fun stuff to do that hopefully will be lower pressure for you! Have you spent a lot of time exploring manual stimulation-- of yourself, of each other, of yourself in front of each other? What about oral sex? You say it hasn't done much for you. That's cool, it doesn't for some folks. But if you want to keep going with it, try different techniques, different pressures, different postures. What about touching that isn't centered around genitalia but is explicitly sexual? What about things that change the stimulation or the context (massage, blindfolds, candlelight, outdoors, whatever it is you want to try!)

From your post it sounds like you're trying to go from Step 1 to about Step 15 in one leap. PIV sex can be hard to get right even for the best of us (sometimes I still have problems and I've been doing it for literally years.) By taking PIV sex completely out of the picture, you guys will spend a lot more time doing other stuff that's hopefully less intimidating and all of which is a great lead-up to PIV sex. Once you've got your repertoire down, and you know and trust your body and his, you can try again, with lube and a good sense of self-awareness. Also, I venture to hope that having it removed as a sexual possibility will make it more enticing-- when you are ready to try again, make sure to do all the other new stuff you've learned first, so that when you're ready, you're not just mentally ready, you're also about to jump your partner's bones if they don't hurry it up already.

Your post also makes it sounds like you don't enjoy much sexual activity, even on your own. There's nothing wrong with that! It may not be your cup of tea, and that's okay. But if you would like to start dealing with some of the things you mention (low self-esteem, tension) and you can reasonably talk to a sex-friendly therapist who might be able to discuss some of this with you?

Folks are certainly right above that this could be a medical issue, and seeing an OBGYN isn't out of the question. But if you are not comfortable masturbating and this is a first-few-times attempt at sex, I would think starting out with a therapist and a lower-pressure sexual context would be a good starting point. If those things don't work, it's quite possible that you might need a more medicalized solution (such as dilators), but frankly your experiences sound pretty close to mind when I first started having sex, and time, trust, practice, and lots of lube sorted it out just fine. Good for you for taking control of your sexual health and good luck!
posted by WidgetAlley at 8:40 PM on December 11, 2014 [2 favorites]


I had a number of pelvic exams and pap smears before any physician told me that the amount of pain I experienced during them was (1) unusual and (2) potentially treatable. I recommend finding an OB/GYN with a successful history of treating vulvodynia; they will at least take you seriously.
posted by yomimono at 9:58 PM on December 11, 2014


Also: I thought I was doomed for a long time. I was not doomed, and I don't think you are either.
posted by yomimono at 10:06 PM on December 11, 2014


Declare a six month moratorium from assuming that sex = penetration. Just have fun exploring your and your partner's bodies, and letting them do the same. There are so many sex acts that aren't a penis penetrating a vagina (Widget Alley mentioned a few ideas upthread). Just experiment and see what turns you on.

Don't "try to relax", learn to feel relaxed around your partner. Get comfortable with each other, and with sex, and with your body and their body.

Also, you might want to try penetration with a finger or fingers before you go for PIV sex. For one thing, it's a lot easier to control, which makes everything easier. (It can be a challenge to get a penis into a vagina the first few times with a new partner, even if you're very turned on and experienced with sex, just because you're figuring out positions and the mechanics of the thing with a new body.) For another thing, it's less girth, so it may feel less uncomfortable.

Also, do you use tampons? I don't want to say that tampons prepared me for what sex would be like, but at the very least, when it came time for penetration, I knew that something the size of a finger was totally going to fit in there, and I was relaxed about the notion of something penetrating inside my vagina. And if you've had trouble getting a tampon inside, that might be another vote for vaginismus.

If you do use tampons, you might want to experiment with applicator-free tampons as part of your "no penetration" experiments. They might help you get more comfortable touching your vulva and vagina in a less heightened way, on your own, without the pressure of sex drive and orgasm and all that.
posted by Sara C. at 11:13 PM on December 11, 2014 [2 favorites]


Everyone's advice is great (ie - treat both physical and psychological reasons, experiment with yourself, be patient, etc.). Just a trick: when the time comes and you are ready to try again, if the pain is usually at the opening, you can apply a bit of lidocaine ointment a few minutes before penetration.
posted by microcarpetus at 7:28 AM on December 12, 2014


First, I have to put the disclaimer that I am not a doctor, so my feedback is just based on my personal experience and the literature that is out there which I have read. With the information you've provided, it does sound to me that it is more likely vaginismus than a physiological problem. I am very familiar with the condition because an ex-girlfriend of mine had vaginismus and we educated ourselves and worked through it together, reaching a cure. I find the information on this site pretty good.

I can assure you 100% that it is treatable and something you can definitely get past. It is important to understand that what your body is doing is involuntary, that is there is nothing inherently wrong with you and sex. You body is actually tightening the muscles around your vagina and restricting the size of the opening. Just like if all of a sudden someone whips a paper airplane towards your eyeballs, you will involuntarily flinch and raise your arms as a protective measure. You body is having the same type of reaction when you are having sex, and it is completely subconscious like the reaction in the previous example. Overcoming vaginismus is a processes of getting to a place mentally and psychologically where there is no protective "mode" which is triggered that causes involuntary muscle contraction. With a good therapist and/or really supportive partner, you would be surprised just how quickly you can achieve success from this.

I think the first step is to think about if your situation is possibly vaginismus and what are the causes (issues) to be addressed and overcome. You have actually done a lot of this already. For what it is worth, here are a few comments and observations. They may be way off, but just food for thought:

-lack of experience and "exploring" myself.
This is not a problem in itself, the more important question is why. How do you view your vagina? Are you afraid to damage yourself if you touch and explore? What are your attitudes and/or fears about doing it?

-low libido (caused by the pill maybe?)
Sex drives do vary from person to person naturally, but I wouldn't assign this to yourself. After all, so far you have had consistent pain and discomfort when having sex so those experiences may be countering your natural drive for sex. Put this consideration away until you achieve (and I know you will) the kind of problem free sex that you are after.

***
-low self-esteem (I feel ugly, therefore I can't be sexy, I feel kind of awkward during sex --> jerk brain)
This jumped out at me and is a huge potential driver of vaginismus. Your relationship with your own body greatly affects the relationship that someone else can have with your body. Do you think these feelings about yourself and your body put you in that protective psychological space when you are having sex? Do you really trust that your partner finds you sexy and beautiful? A sexual act is inherently a time of vulnerability when some of our most intimate, deep parts of ourselves are brought out in the open with our partners. Fear about the value of these parts of ourselves and whether our partner can/will value them can shut down the sexual response entirely.
***

-small vagina (that's what the guy i'm dating said; my gyno never said anything, but I didn't enjoy my pap smear either)
Highly doubt it. This is almost never the case. As Ruthless Bunny said, this is a body part used to deliver fully developed babies. With all due respect to your boyfriend, he is no expert on the female body (especially at that age). Take what he says with less than a grain of salt.

-I am always tense. I grind my teeth at night, I catch myself cletching my toes/fists. I really don't know why this happens.
Another possible contributor to your response. Are you generally an anxious person? Do anxieties and fears hover in the background when you have sex (is this going to go badly again, will I enjoy it, will I be able to climax, does he find my attractive right now, etc.)?


In closing, don't be hard on yourself. There is nothing wrong with you or your body. Read up on the literature. Adopt a positive, determined attitude and leave any shame behind (this is something to conquer, not a problem to be fixed). And most importantly, change your relationship with yourself and your body that was reflected in the bullet points above. That takes hard work; I definitely recommend a therapist to help. You can do this.

All the best to you,
posted by incolorinred at 7:46 AM on December 12, 2014 [4 favorites]


If you happen to need a recommendation for a pelvic floor physical therapist in the SF bay area, please memail me. Also, not sure if anyone mentioned this upthread, but this previous thread may be helpful.

I know it's a lot of trouble in the short run, but if your particular gyno doesn't know how to deal with this issue, it may be time to shop for a new gyno. Not because your gyno is necessarily *bad*, but maybe isn't right for you.
posted by freezer cake at 2:53 PM on December 12, 2014


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