Help me turn my son from Pigpen to a presentable young adult.

December 10, 2014 5:06 PM

My 19 yr old son has poor hygiene and it's impacting his job prospects. What steps can I take to motivate him to clean up his act?

I hate to be a nag but I've told him that he leaves me no choice. I've bought him body washes and deodorant but he still showers infrequently for a teenage guy. I've explained how his hormones are in overdrive and he must be vigilant but he's ignoring me. He smells like onions!

I hoped he would want to impress the girls and that would spur him on but that's not happening. Now he needs to find work and he's bewildered that his interviews aren't panning out.

What employer wants to present a greasy haired guy who smells like onions to the team?

What other methods could I use to get him motivated?

posted by Coffeetyme to Health & Fitness (24 answers total)

Have you come right out and told him any of this? Tell him one last time, not as a nag, but adult to adult. Then leave it alone.

You could also say that as long as he lives in your house and has to be near you, that he must bathe daily.

You could also kick his adult ass out and let the world teach him.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:11 PM on December 10, 2014 [28 favorites]

He's an adult, so I think you have to work on just letting him get out of the nest. You've clearly made your feelings more than apparent - but you can't control his behavior, and if he wants your advice on why the interviews aren't panning out, he will ask you and you can tell him what you think, and he can decide whether it's worth improving his personal hygiene to try to get a job. If he decides that it's not, he'll face the consequences, and that's what has to motivate him, not nagging from his mom (which I think most 19 year olds are fairly immune to). Sorry!
posted by treehorn+bunny at 5:13 PM on December 10, 2014 [3 favorites]

Are you his mom? If so, does he have male friends or an older male in his life that you might be able to enlist to tell him directly that him smelling = major issue? IME with college aged boys, peer shame is the only thing that works longterm. It's not a pretty thing to bring into the conversation, but man, is it effective.

If that's not an option, there are a couple of other things to consider.

1. Take him to the doctor and make sure he doesn't have some sort of fungal infection somewhere. Enlist doctor to help get the message across.

2. Have one final conversation about it in which you say, "I love you, and because I love you I need to be honest with you. You need to take a shower every single day so that you don't smell like BO and onions all the time. It's alienating to be around someone who doesn't commit to adult standards of hygeine. Please do this so I can stop nagging you, which I know bothers you as much as it does me."

3. Inform him that as someone over 18, he is now a tenant in your home and he needs to pay rent. He also needs to abide by certain rules, and that includes showering daily. If he can't abide, he moves out and needs to look after himself. No help from parents unless it's an emergency.

I still think peer pressure is your best bet though.
posted by Hermione Granger at 5:20 PM on December 10, 2014 [6 favorites]

Is he depressed? Depressed people can let their personal hygeine slip.
posted by taff at 5:21 PM on December 10, 2014 [28 favorites]

I've bought him body washes and deodorant but he still showers infrequently for a teenage guy. I've explained how his hormones are in overdrive and he must be vigilant but he's ignoring me.

You've done everything you reasonably can and it's not working. Time to let him learn the hard way. Eventually someone other than his parent will bring this to his attention, and then the consequences will all start fitting together and he'll start showering. But since he's not a child, all you can do is hope he comes to his senses sooner rather than later.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 5:26 PM on December 10, 2014 [1 favorite]

First, if you have a discreet way of doing so, have someone else check you on this. Do you have a close friend or another family member you can ask whether your son really smells? It's not the likeliest explanation, but it's possible (especially if you're the only one apparently concerned about it) that you could be projecting this.

But if other people are picking up on this as well, then I think Hermione Granger is right -- he's not receptive to this message coming from you (for whatever reason) and peer pressure might be more effective.

Taff's question is also appropriate. Look for other signs of depression and/or medical problems that might make regular bathing uncomfortable or unpleasant and, if there are any, address the underlying problems first.
posted by Nerd of the North at 5:26 PM on December 10, 2014

Now he needs to find work and he's bewildered that his interviews aren't panning out

If he's coming to you bewildered about this, you have to be frank and direct. He smells and he appears unkepmt and this is a non-verbal way of telling his potential employers that he doesn't care for himself, is lazy, and can't complete basic tasks. How he presents himself in the world matters to employers.
posted by quince at 5:29 PM on December 10, 2014 [5 favorites]

You need to basically order him to shower daily until it becomes a habit. Most kids learn this pretty young, we had these battles from 6-13. You shouldn't have let this slide as long as it has, you've done your son a disservice. Does he have other basic skills like doing laundry, mopping floors, running the dishwasher, vacuuming etc down? If not, time to get on those too.
posted by fshgrl at 5:42 PM on December 10, 2014 [11 favorites]

It's one thing for a 13 year old boy to not want to bathe every day, but a 19 year old? This screams depression to me.
posted by gatorae at 5:52 PM on December 10, 2014 [5 favorites]

He's an adult. Don't police his personal hygiene.

Give him till February then kick him out.
posted by 256 at 6:14 PM on December 10, 2014 [2 favorites]

Tell him to listen to Jessamyn
posted by Sophont at 6:24 PM on December 10, 2014 [3 favorites]

Have you told him directly that his hair is greasy, he smells bad and he looks unkempt? Tell him he has to shower before job interviews or he will never get hired, and if he doesn't get a job soon, he can't live with you and mooch anymore. Force him to take it seriously.

I am curious to know what he says when you have tried to mention this before. I think depression is a possible underlying issue, but I also think young people, especially guys, can be a little clueless about how much this stuff matters and how noticeable it is.
posted by AppleTurnover at 6:34 PM on December 10, 2014 [2 favorites]

Have him read this askme or this askme and ask him if he wants to be the subject of such a discussion on the internets, because that's where he's heading.

im upset about what i had to google to find those threads
posted by poffin boffin at 6:46 PM on December 10, 2014 [8 favorites]

Why doesn't he want to wash? Time? Lack of knowing how? Is he looking to control something by not washing? Depression? Does it hurt to wash? Can you guys make a compromise like, one shower a week and the day of interviews? Can he pick out his own soap?

Ultimately though, he'll need to want this for himself. You can't nag him into it.
posted by HMSSM at 7:31 PM on December 10, 2014

Ah, I remember that goaty smell, not with any happiness :/ I agree with Hermione Granger, I think he needs to hear this from someone with more cred (male, his age or near enough, employed in a job like one he wants) than Mom or Dad.
posted by cotton dress sock at 7:42 PM on December 10, 2014

Had a wild thought: take him to a spa/salon to get a fresh start via pampering? So it's a nice, pleasant experience and maybe he can get a haircut and some advice about dealing with the oily hair?

(Or maybe send a male friend or relative to do this with him?)
posted by Schielisque at 8:13 PM on December 10, 2014 [1 favorite]

Once again, I, too, am NTHING Ruthless Bunny!!

That said

Right now, a version of your son works for me one day a week. I am actively looking to replace him.

He's a great guy!! But his presentation hurts my small business. I just... don't know what to do.

My heart breaks to see this AskMe. I really liked Tanizaki's explanation. My preschooler hates washing his hair right now, but I remember myself LOVING when I was old enough to shower on my own.

Even if your son is depressed, and especially, bathing helps.

No cite or clicky, but I recently read about a study that proved brushing your teeth "reset" your emotional wellbeing. Good hygiene habits go far beyond basic concerns, simply getting "clean" helps our emotional life. This is Science.

As a fellow mother, I don't know how you can get through to your adult son. I do KNOW you do not want to let this issue fester, as it already has.
---

I'm going to be blunt. You love your son. I know, because I love my son.

This is an issue you apply as much kindness and force to correct as you can muster. This likely includes professional intervention and guidance that AskMe can not provide.

I would keep my version of your son as a valued employee for years to come, but because my business is expanding and becoming more profitable, if only he did not present as a "pigpen." But he is a "pigpen" type. And I will replace him before Christmas.

My very nice husband figured a way to give him a few hours that shield him from the liabilities of the "pigpen" presentation. We appreciate the good qualities of our version of your son so much that we don't want to drop kick him out of a job he relies on, we just can't risk the effect his dirty presentation has on our business any longer.

You should go to the mat on this and correct it however seems appropriate.

This is a hill worth dying on, even if that means drawing boundaries and stopping trying to help.

Even if the underlying issue is Depression, your son has to make changes and seek support on his own. He's the only one who can ultimately change this.

My advice is to provide resources, but to start telling him the Truth.

Be kind, but firm.

Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 11:39 PM on December 10, 2014 [1 favorite]

I went to a group job interview recently and there were two young guys (probably 19 - 21 years old) there who both smelled so bad. Needless to say, they didn't make it through to the next stage of the interview. I feel bad for them, because they either don't know that they stink or they are not doing enough to remedy the situation.

Someone needs to make it very clear to your son that he's not going to get a job - or a romantic partner - if he doesn't smell okay and look presentable. Or he might get a job but then end up the butt of workplace gossip. My ex used to work with a guy who had been dubbed "Smelly Peter" behind his back. He found out one day when he saw that someone had saved him under that name in their phone. He was horrified, but did up his personal hygiene.

Is there a male relative or family friend who could have a chat with him about it? He might be more receptive to a conversation being started by someone who understands the struggles of teenage boyhood.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 12:30 AM on December 11, 2014

I agree that depression may be afoot here. When my son, just about this age, was hit with crippling depression it was his rapidly declining hygiene that was first and only visible clue. I did not catch it and it was not until he was crying in my arms and talking about suicide. He had no other signs--because he was really good at hiding his depression, as is often the case.

Good luck.
posted by LarryC at 12:37 AM on December 11, 2014

If possible, make sure he isn't eating raw onions, because no amount of brushing and showering will wash that sour smell away, especially as it starts to seep out of his pores the next day.
posted by Dragonness at 2:17 AM on December 11, 2014

Best answer: Oh dear lord, do I ever feel your pain.

I work with young men your age who also don't bathe. I know all too well what it's like to teach Algebra to 5 people when it's freezing outside but all the windows have to be open because CHRIST ON A STICK THEY REEK.

He's 19, lives at home and can't get a job, right? He probably already feels pretty crap about his life.

Here's my special ed teacher trick: you need to give your son the illusion of choice and you have to pick your timing when you two are talking happily about something else and you DO THE HAMBURGER APPROACH. In other words, this can't be the main conversation. (Trust me, you can trick kids into almost anything when you do this.)

1. You praise him for some effort that he made: "Hey, thanks for loading up the dishwasher, getting out the trash, vacuuming the dog hair," etc. "I really appreciate that! Do you want some ice cream?"

2. Get him ice cream or do something else nice for him.

3. "Did you ever go to a friend's house when they have cats and their house smelled like cats and they had no idea (or, ask if he's ever been near someone who reeked of Axe or perfume) ? I've got to talk to you about showering, because it's the same thing. People get used to their own smell. So listen, I love you and if I had all the jobs, I'd give them all to you, but it doesn't work that way. Dude, you need to shower (and here comes the illusion of choice) in the morning or at night and you have to wash your clothes and bedding weekly. I love you but I gotta tell you, you have no idea that you don't smell super-clean and it's what's getting in the way of you getting a job. Are you going to shower in the morning or at night and do you want to start a load of laundry now or in a half-hour?"

4. Ask if he wants more ice cream.

See, it's now in his control, but the point is: he's still going to get wet. Of course, none of this is going to work if he doesn't actually want to get a job, or if he's depressed. But if it's just about showering, this should do the trick. And I'm with everyone else who has suggested that if he just won't shower and getting a job doesn't matter to him, then you give him a month to move out, but I'd try this first.
posted by kinetic at 2:40 AM on December 11, 2014 [23 favorites]

He won't change until he wants to change. We develop a certain resistance to when certain people say things about us (eg. a parent telling a kid to put on presentable clothes), so he needs to hear this from people who can get around that barrier.

Also, him finding resources which help coach him in the right direction are key. That can be anything from guides how to find jobs, to tv shows on what to wear.
posted by troytroy at 8:03 AM on December 11, 2014

We spent years telling my younger brother this, and he always told us we were wrong and NUH UH. And now he showers in the morning and after he works out, and he tells us that he can't imagine why he let himself be so smelly for so long.

We didn't either, dude.

(I'm telling you this because I don't want you to think that this is an unusual thing. Dudes at this age are REALLY weird about hygiene, and the ones who don't go away to college are sometimes insulated from the social costs of their refusal to follow social norms.)
posted by a fiendish thingy at 9:51 AM on December 11, 2014 [1 favorite]

What? You're the parent. Stock the bathroom with soap, a towel, a razor, shampoo, whatever, then shepherd him into the bathroom and shut the door and stay out there in the hall and don't let him out til he's clean. This whole issue is ridiculous. If you have to police him, you police him. Showering is non-negotiable. He's not an adult, he's not acting like an adult, and it's literally your job to teach him.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 2:57 PM on December 11, 2014 [1 favorite]