Does my obsessive worrying mean I was wrong to break up?
December 10, 2014 3:45 PM Subscribe
I am a 23 year old woman who recently broke up with my first serious girlfriend (32 yr old) whom I dated for 18 months. I cannot stop obsessing that it was the wrong decision even though there were many reasons why we wouldn't have worked. Is this normal or a sign I'm making a mistake?
We broke up after a horrible week in which she broke up with me and then took it back three times. The first time she was annoyed because I wouldn't agree to leave my job immediately and she thinks my long commute is making me snappy and destroying our relationship. The next time was because I mentioned seeing a friend she hates - she wouldn't stop talking about how much she hated her and eventually I (spinelessly) agreed not to see my friend. Then afterwards she still threatened to break up with me.
The last time she broke up with me was because I said if we went on a ski trip we would probably need to get up early in the mornings and she got annoyed and told me to stop imposing my experience on our trip. I've been skiing and she hasn't! She said as we were clearly on different paths we should break up. I agreed that we should break up if I couldn't express my opinion without it becoming a conflict. A few hours later she was calling and begging for me back. So far, I have not given in but I am very tempted.
The break up made me realise the pattern of behaviour we had fallen into. She would get very upset about a small thing I said or mistake I made, get angry and threaten to leave me in some way, and I would grovel and apologise until she felt appeased. This happened at least once a month and has increased lately. A couple of examples:
A few weeks ago we went on holiday and she threatened not to get on the plane because I said I wanted to spend some time just us rather than with all her friends. I said it in a careless way which made it sound like I didn’t want to see her friends at all. We nearly missed the flight because I spent so long apologising and pleading with her to get on the plane.
On another holiday she threatened to leave because I was nagging her too hard to go to breakfast early. Later that day I accidentally spilled some of her beer and she yelled at me in front of all the people on this boat and wouldn't talk to me for 2 hours.
Other things she has got angry at me about include looking at a clock when we were late, which she said was passive aggressive and disrespectful, and not putting my hair down after I got a bad hair cut and was self conscious about it.
There have been many incidents like this. I know it’s my fault for helping to create this dynamic by giving in so easily and apologising so much. I hate it when she’s upset with me and I just do what I think will make it stop. However she never calls me names or yells. She does raise her voice a bit and swear (e.g. calling me ‘fucking irresponsible’ when I lost an umbrella). I don’t know if I’m just being oversensitive and this is normal stuff to get angry about. She usually gets angry because I have been clumsy or said something careless and I know I am prone to doing this. I have spoken to her about how angry she gets and she agrees she gets angry easily but says I need to help her out by being less annoying. She also says I can deal with her by telling her she is ridiculous or walking away, and she will realise she is overreacting, but I find this quite hard to do in the moment. Maybe I am just being stupid to keep taking her seriously when I know she's hotheaded and it passes.
Four times in our relationship she has got very drunk and verbally abused me, telling me to fuck off, I'm a fucking idiot, etc. Once she nearly left me somewhere I didn't know in the middle of the night. She is always really apologetic after this happens and says she was drunk so couldn't help what she did, can't remember anything and feels awful but that she cannot promise it won't happen again. Since we broke up she has said she would monitor her drinking more but I’m upset that it took this long for her to promise to control it.
Despite this I feel extremely regretful. I worry because I feel we hadn't yet got to the point (barring the last couple of weeks) where the bad outweighed the good. Although I had been getting frustrated, I was totally not prepared to break up until I was pushed so it feels like a huge mental shock. Most people would think I was crazy to break up with her - she's beautiful and exciting and successful. I've never felt this connection with anyone - we have a great time together and are very verbally and physically affectionate. I know she loves me so much even though she acts impulsively. She's always doing sweet things for me. After we broke up she gave me her ‘break up diary’ which includes a huge list of all the stuff she is guilty for and wants to change.
Is her behaviour irredeemable? I know I have bad habits she has to deal with too like being over anxious, moody and sometimes shutting down/withholding affection when I’m upset instead of talking over issues. I worry that if I stood up to her more and had better boundaries then we would be fine. I keep thinking maybe we could have gone to couples therapy or I could have changed the way I reacted to her.
The decision to break it off feels wrong and masochistic. I think of little else but how things could have gone differently. My brain is constantly hashing out different scenarios. I have nightmares about it and I can't focus on my work because I think things over and over and I feel panicky and like I messed up.
I’m scared that I still feel such deep regret after a few weeks. Is the fact that this is my first relationship messing with my head? Is this just a stage of the break up I need to tough out?
NB: I have a therapy appointment booked but it's not until next week.
We broke up after a horrible week in which she broke up with me and then took it back three times. The first time she was annoyed because I wouldn't agree to leave my job immediately and she thinks my long commute is making me snappy and destroying our relationship. The next time was because I mentioned seeing a friend she hates - she wouldn't stop talking about how much she hated her and eventually I (spinelessly) agreed not to see my friend. Then afterwards she still threatened to break up with me.
The last time she broke up with me was because I said if we went on a ski trip we would probably need to get up early in the mornings and she got annoyed and told me to stop imposing my experience on our trip. I've been skiing and she hasn't! She said as we were clearly on different paths we should break up. I agreed that we should break up if I couldn't express my opinion without it becoming a conflict. A few hours later she was calling and begging for me back. So far, I have not given in but I am very tempted.
The break up made me realise the pattern of behaviour we had fallen into. She would get very upset about a small thing I said or mistake I made, get angry and threaten to leave me in some way, and I would grovel and apologise until she felt appeased. This happened at least once a month and has increased lately. A couple of examples:
A few weeks ago we went on holiday and she threatened not to get on the plane because I said I wanted to spend some time just us rather than with all her friends. I said it in a careless way which made it sound like I didn’t want to see her friends at all. We nearly missed the flight because I spent so long apologising and pleading with her to get on the plane.
On another holiday she threatened to leave because I was nagging her too hard to go to breakfast early. Later that day I accidentally spilled some of her beer and she yelled at me in front of all the people on this boat and wouldn't talk to me for 2 hours.
Other things she has got angry at me about include looking at a clock when we were late, which she said was passive aggressive and disrespectful, and not putting my hair down after I got a bad hair cut and was self conscious about it.
There have been many incidents like this. I know it’s my fault for helping to create this dynamic by giving in so easily and apologising so much. I hate it when she’s upset with me and I just do what I think will make it stop. However she never calls me names or yells. She does raise her voice a bit and swear (e.g. calling me ‘fucking irresponsible’ when I lost an umbrella). I don’t know if I’m just being oversensitive and this is normal stuff to get angry about. She usually gets angry because I have been clumsy or said something careless and I know I am prone to doing this. I have spoken to her about how angry she gets and she agrees she gets angry easily but says I need to help her out by being less annoying. She also says I can deal with her by telling her she is ridiculous or walking away, and she will realise she is overreacting, but I find this quite hard to do in the moment. Maybe I am just being stupid to keep taking her seriously when I know she's hotheaded and it passes.
Four times in our relationship she has got very drunk and verbally abused me, telling me to fuck off, I'm a fucking idiot, etc. Once she nearly left me somewhere I didn't know in the middle of the night. She is always really apologetic after this happens and says she was drunk so couldn't help what she did, can't remember anything and feels awful but that she cannot promise it won't happen again. Since we broke up she has said she would monitor her drinking more but I’m upset that it took this long for her to promise to control it.
Despite this I feel extremely regretful. I worry because I feel we hadn't yet got to the point (barring the last couple of weeks) where the bad outweighed the good. Although I had been getting frustrated, I was totally not prepared to break up until I was pushed so it feels like a huge mental shock. Most people would think I was crazy to break up with her - she's beautiful and exciting and successful. I've never felt this connection with anyone - we have a great time together and are very verbally and physically affectionate. I know she loves me so much even though she acts impulsively. She's always doing sweet things for me. After we broke up she gave me her ‘break up diary’ which includes a huge list of all the stuff she is guilty for and wants to change.
Is her behaviour irredeemable? I know I have bad habits she has to deal with too like being over anxious, moody and sometimes shutting down/withholding affection when I’m upset instead of talking over issues. I worry that if I stood up to her more and had better boundaries then we would be fine. I keep thinking maybe we could have gone to couples therapy or I could have changed the way I reacted to her.
The decision to break it off feels wrong and masochistic. I think of little else but how things could have gone differently. My brain is constantly hashing out different scenarios. I have nightmares about it and I can't focus on my work because I think things over and over and I feel panicky and like I messed up.
I’m scared that I still feel such deep regret after a few weeks. Is the fact that this is my first relationship messing with my head? Is this just a stage of the break up I need to tough out?
NB: I have a therapy appointment booked but it's not until next week.
She is always really apologetic after this happens and says she was drunk so couldn't help what she did, can't remember anything and feels awful but that she cannot promise it won't happen again.
Good heavens, no. No no nope no.
It's normal to feel some regret and some "oh god what have I done I have done the wrong thing!" But you haven't. Stay broken up. That thing I quoted there? She's old enough to know that that kind of shit is not okay, but she'll keep doing it because behaving like that is more important to her than you - or any other girlfriend.
Regret and sadness and doubt are normal. She may have been your first but she will not be your last, and for the love of everything, do not insist that she be your only.
Signed,
almost-50-year-old dyke who has had some relationships and some breakups, yep
posted by rtha at 4:00 PM on December 10, 2014 [27 favorites]
Good heavens, no. No no nope no.
It's normal to feel some regret and some "oh god what have I done I have done the wrong thing!" But you haven't. Stay broken up. That thing I quoted there? She's old enough to know that that kind of shit is not okay, but she'll keep doing it because behaving like that is more important to her than you - or any other girlfriend.
Regret and sadness and doubt are normal. She may have been your first but she will not be your last, and for the love of everything, do not insist that she be your only.
Signed,
almost-50-year-old dyke who has had some relationships and some breakups, yep
posted by rtha at 4:00 PM on December 10, 2014 [27 favorites]
Is her behaviour irredeemable?
YES. My god, yes. She sounds like a nightmare to be around, and (I do not use the term lightly) emotionally abusive. At the very least she seems very immature in regards to communication and her emotions.
You can do better. You *will* do better. Be kind to yourself while you let go of the relationship, think about what you want in a partner, and give it some time.
posted by Specklet at 4:02 PM on December 10, 2014 [16 favorites]
YES. My god, yes. She sounds like a nightmare to be around, and (I do not use the term lightly) emotionally abusive. At the very least she seems very immature in regards to communication and her emotions.
You can do better. You *will* do better. Be kind to yourself while you let go of the relationship, think about what you want in a partner, and give it some time.
posted by Specklet at 4:02 PM on December 10, 2014 [16 favorites]
I know it’s my fault for helping to create this dynamic by giving in so easily and apologising so much.
Nope. It's her fault for abusing you verbally in a relentless manner. Seriously. I speak from experience. I could have told every story you told up there about my ex, who eventually started physically assaulting me (throwing me out of a moving car because the sun was in his eyes, slamming my face into a mirror and ripping out my hair for having the audacity to say that I was looking forward to going on vacation with him, breaking a door down in my face when I walked away from an argument where he was being a jerk, etc.) People like this do not change unless they want to change, and they have to be alone to do it.
You did her a great service by leaving her; it's the only way she might ever even start to examine her issues and behavior.
More importantly, you did yourself a tremendous service by walking away because you do not deserve to be treated like garbage by someone who supposedly cares about you. One day you will look back on this and think to yourself "jesus christ I can't believe she yelled at me for LOOKING AT A CLOCK, what an asshole."
posted by sockermom at 4:06 PM on December 10, 2014 [25 favorites]
Nope. It's her fault for abusing you verbally in a relentless manner. Seriously. I speak from experience. I could have told every story you told up there about my ex, who eventually started physically assaulting me (throwing me out of a moving car because the sun was in his eyes, slamming my face into a mirror and ripping out my hair for having the audacity to say that I was looking forward to going on vacation with him, breaking a door down in my face when I walked away from an argument where he was being a jerk, etc.) People like this do not change unless they want to change, and they have to be alone to do it.
You did her a great service by leaving her; it's the only way she might ever even start to examine her issues and behavior.
More importantly, you did yourself a tremendous service by walking away because you do not deserve to be treated like garbage by someone who supposedly cares about you. One day you will look back on this and think to yourself "jesus christ I can't believe she yelled at me for LOOKING AT A CLOCK, what an asshole."
posted by sockermom at 4:06 PM on December 10, 2014 [25 favorites]
I know it’s my fault for helping to create this dynamic by giving in so easily and apologising so much.
Erm. A big fat nope to that. Her behavior in this description sounds flat out abusive. You deserve no blame for creating a dynamic in which she cursed you out when she was drunk, humiliated you in front of other people and attempted to control your behavior.
I think that tendency of yours to take responsibility for stuff that clearly isn't your fault is contributing to your regret. You don't want to hurt her and you feel guilty. I've been there... your emotional needs and safety come first. Not hers. Take care of yourself.
(Didn't see sockermom's comment above before I hit post... but yeah, what sockermom said!)
posted by rogerrogerwhatsyourrvectorvicto at 4:08 PM on December 10, 2014 [10 favorites]
Erm. A big fat nope to that. Her behavior in this description sounds flat out abusive. You deserve no blame for creating a dynamic in which she cursed you out when she was drunk, humiliated you in front of other people and attempted to control your behavior.
I think that tendency of yours to take responsibility for stuff that clearly isn't your fault is contributing to your regret. You don't want to hurt her and you feel guilty. I've been there... your emotional needs and safety come first. Not hers. Take care of yourself.
(Didn't see sockermom's comment above before I hit post... but yeah, what sockermom said!)
posted by rogerrogerwhatsyourrvectorvicto at 4:08 PM on December 10, 2014 [10 favorites]
You are freshly out of an abusive relationship with someone who has a substance problem (if not outright abuse.) You have been conforming yourself to her desires for the length of your relationship. It's terrifying to realize that you don't have to do this any more. Not only that, but you may have forgotten who you really are under all that walking on eggshells and abuse absorbing. As terrible as your relationship was, it's better than the unknown.
Accept that although it doesn't feel like it now, it really is for the best.
Reconnect with yourself and what you enjoy and get out there and do things that make you happy. Enjoy the fact that there's no one to please but yourself.
She may get her shit together at some point in the future, but she's not going to do it now, and she's not going to do it for you.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 4:10 PM on December 10, 2014 [5 favorites]
Accept that although it doesn't feel like it now, it really is for the best.
Reconnect with yourself and what you enjoy and get out there and do things that make you happy. Enjoy the fact that there's no one to please but yourself.
She may get her shit together at some point in the future, but she's not going to do it now, and she's not going to do it for you.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 4:10 PM on December 10, 2014 [5 favorites]
The break up made me realise the pattern of behaviour we had fallen into. She would get very upset about a small thing I said or mistake I made, get angry and threaten to leave me in some way, and I would grovel and apologise until she felt appeased.
She sounds quite toxic and manipulative. It's normal to grieve a relationship, or even what a relationship could have been if people were different from how they really are. However, the reality of your relationship was unhealthy and emotionally abusive. The abused partner (you) does not cause or trigger the abuse, nor can they control it. That's an illusion that the abuser sets up in order to keep the abused in their place. You did the right thing. Don't go back for any reason.
posted by quince at 4:12 PM on December 10, 2014 [3 favorites]
She sounds quite toxic and manipulative. It's normal to grieve a relationship, or even what a relationship could have been if people were different from how they really are. However, the reality of your relationship was unhealthy and emotionally abusive. The abused partner (you) does not cause or trigger the abuse, nor can they control it. That's an illusion that the abuser sets up in order to keep the abused in their place. You did the right thing. Don't go back for any reason.
posted by quince at 4:12 PM on December 10, 2014 [3 favorites]
The relationship sounds, to be frank, pretty awful. Maybe it started out great, and I'm sure were some good parts to it - but it sounds like you've both been pretty unhappy for a while.
It is totally normal to have second thoughts and anxiety after breaking up, especially after your first relationship, and especially when things were as up-and-down-and-wonderful-and-awful as it sounds like this relationship was. It sounds like you did the right thing by breaking up with her and refusing to take her back, and I am sure that you will (eventually) be happier for it & look back on the breakup as a good decision.
posted by insectosaurus at 4:24 PM on December 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
It is totally normal to have second thoughts and anxiety after breaking up, especially after your first relationship, and especially when things were as up-and-down-and-wonderful-and-awful as it sounds like this relationship was. It sounds like you did the right thing by breaking up with her and refusing to take her back, and I am sure that you will (eventually) be happier for it & look back on the breakup as a good decision.
posted by insectosaurus at 4:24 PM on December 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
One of the hardest things to get a handle on as a young person dating is breakups.
Eventually, you realize three things:
-Virtually every breakup is a good idea.
-Relationships aren't binary with "forever" and "100% awful" as the two options. Therefore, there will be many times when you break up with someone who had some great qualities you will miss. This is a good thing. This means you didn't ride things out to the bitter hated-each-other-intensely end. This is better. You were still supposed to break up.
-Breakups aren't a failure. They are the recognition that a thing did not work. True story: single people generally all come into relationships with a 0% "success" rate in relationships. This is normal.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 4:51 PM on December 10, 2014 [12 favorites]
Eventually, you realize three things:
-Virtually every breakup is a good idea.
-Relationships aren't binary with "forever" and "100% awful" as the two options. Therefore, there will be many times when you break up with someone who had some great qualities you will miss. This is a good thing. This means you didn't ride things out to the bitter hated-each-other-intensely end. This is better. You were still supposed to break up.
-Breakups aren't a failure. They are the recognition that a thing did not work. True story: single people generally all come into relationships with a 0% "success" rate in relationships. This is normal.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 4:51 PM on December 10, 2014 [12 favorites]
You made the right decision.
posted by snorkmaiden at 4:54 PM on December 10, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by snorkmaiden at 4:54 PM on December 10, 2014 [3 favorites]
I don’t know if I’m just being oversensitive and this is normal stuff to get angry about. She usually gets angry because I have been clumsy or said something careless and I know I am prone to doing this. I have spoken to her about how angry she gets and she agrees she gets angry easily but says I need to help her out by being less annoying.
No, what you list is not normal stuff to get angry about, or at least not angry enough that it requires several hours of pleading to calm down about. And her not taking responsibility, claiming that it's your fault for being annoying, is not in any way ok.
Break-ups are hard, even if the relationship was bad. Be nice to yourself.
posted by jaguar at 4:58 PM on December 10, 2014 [3 favorites]
No, what you list is not normal stuff to get angry about, or at least not angry enough that it requires several hours of pleading to calm down about. And her not taking responsibility, claiming that it's your fault for being annoying, is not in any way ok.
Break-ups are hard, even if the relationship was bad. Be nice to yourself.
posted by jaguar at 4:58 PM on December 10, 2014 [3 favorites]
Oh, goodness. No. Just no.
You stay broken up with her. Please. That is classic emotional abuse and you were absolutely right to get out before it got worse. Block her in every form of media and go no contact.
You can find someone who will not be manipulative, abusive and just plain cruel. Please don't settle for less.
Good job in taking this first step. There are many of us here who have been in your position, and I am happy to talk via memail if you need someone to talk to about this.
posted by guster4lovers at 5:19 PM on December 10, 2014 [5 favorites]
You stay broken up with her. Please. That is classic emotional abuse and you were absolutely right to get out before it got worse. Block her in every form of media and go no contact.
You can find someone who will not be manipulative, abusive and just plain cruel. Please don't settle for less.
Good job in taking this first step. There are many of us here who have been in your position, and I am happy to talk via memail if you need someone to talk to about this.
posted by guster4lovers at 5:19 PM on December 10, 2014 [5 favorites]
"She agrees she gets angry easily but says I need to help her out by being less annoying."
Your ex-girlfriend was a nightmare. Be grateful that you didn't get to the part where everything was shit. She is an emotionally abusive person who takes no responsibility for how she treats you.
Also, it is often challenging to learn how to set appropriate limits and boundaries, especially if you are young and also if you happen to be, as I am, codependent.
"Emotional manipulators have no sense of accountability. They take no responsibility for themselves or their behavior - it is always about what everyone else has 'done to them.' "
Some day you will be thrilled by the end of this relationship instead of obsessing over it. Have fun with your true friends. Be gentle and kind to yourself. Block her number, her email address, everything. She is not a healthy person and you do not need to continue exposing yourself to her toxin.
"Most people would think I was crazy to break up with her - she's beautiful and exciting and successful. I've never felt this connection with anyone - we have a great time together and are very verbally and physically affectionate."
That's because A. Those people have yet to either witness or be a target of her abusive behaviour and B. You are young. There are many wonderful people with whom to connect.
There is a much better relationship waiting for you with a much healthier, kinder, more adult person. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 5:33 PM on December 10, 2014 [4 favorites]
Your ex-girlfriend was a nightmare. Be grateful that you didn't get to the part where everything was shit. She is an emotionally abusive person who takes no responsibility for how she treats you.
Also, it is often challenging to learn how to set appropriate limits and boundaries, especially if you are young and also if you happen to be, as I am, codependent.
"Emotional manipulators have no sense of accountability. They take no responsibility for themselves or their behavior - it is always about what everyone else has 'done to them.' "
Some day you will be thrilled by the end of this relationship instead of obsessing over it. Have fun with your true friends. Be gentle and kind to yourself. Block her number, her email address, everything. She is not a healthy person and you do not need to continue exposing yourself to her toxin.
"Most people would think I was crazy to break up with her - she's beautiful and exciting and successful. I've never felt this connection with anyone - we have a great time together and are very verbally and physically affectionate."
That's because A. Those people have yet to either witness or be a target of her abusive behaviour and B. You are young. There are many wonderful people with whom to connect.
There is a much better relationship waiting for you with a much healthier, kinder, more adult person. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 5:33 PM on December 10, 2014 [4 favorites]
Everyone has made the point very well, but I must echo it. You dodged a bullet. Stay broken up. It would only have gotten worse. She was abusive full stop.
posted by Lescha at 5:42 PM on December 10, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by Lescha at 5:42 PM on December 10, 2014 [2 favorites]
Yikes, no no no!
The reason you're obsessively worrying is because this woman has you doubting everything you do, and saddest of all, doubting that you deserve better than someone who constantly berates you, makes you beg for mercy, and threatens to break up with you. The breakup 'feels wrong' because she's been training you that your feelings are invalid and that you have no self worth, therefore sticking up for yourself feels wrong.
Blaming you for "making her behave badly" and impressing upon you that everything wrong with the relationship is your fault are classic abuser techniques. Please block communications with her in every way imaginable, seek help and support from family and friends, and immerse yourself in other things so that you can try to stop dwelling on this relationship. You will be so much happier soon if you can escape the trance she had you under.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 6:22 PM on December 10, 2014 [13 favorites]
The reason you're obsessively worrying is because this woman has you doubting everything you do, and saddest of all, doubting that you deserve better than someone who constantly berates you, makes you beg for mercy, and threatens to break up with you. The breakup 'feels wrong' because she's been training you that your feelings are invalid and that you have no self worth, therefore sticking up for yourself feels wrong.
Blaming you for "making her behave badly" and impressing upon you that everything wrong with the relationship is your fault are classic abuser techniques. Please block communications with her in every way imaginable, seek help and support from family and friends, and immerse yourself in other things so that you can try to stop dwelling on this relationship. You will be so much happier soon if you can escape the trance she had you under.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 6:22 PM on December 10, 2014 [13 favorites]
I also want to say that you should not in any way blame yourself for being with this woman, or for staying with her, or anything like that. These kinds of relationships are actually fairly... easy to get entrapped in, especially for people of a certain stripe. For example, I like people to be happy and I like to please others a whole lot, and I am very much someone who tries to keep the peace. I like to be liked. I am a highly empathetic person (I think, anyhow, and I have also been told this by people) and that empathy and people-pleasing and desire to be liked... that is not a bad stew, not at all, because these are very good qualities to have. There is not enough empathy and understanding in the world, and there is a whole lot of selfishness in the world, too, and those things are detrimental to society (in my opinion). But they are qualities that also cause me to put other people before myself, and that is something that manipulative, abusive people are particularly attuned to.
So I have learned that I can still be myself - I can still be highly empathetic, and loving, and really want others to be happy - but that I can put up mechanisms to evaluate others before I let them in to my life. These mechanisms - personal boundaries - are very, very helpful for me. They allow me to still be myself without putting my self in harm's way.
So I want to say: this is not your fault. This is something that happens because there are bad people in the world. Bad people, hurting people, messed up people - who take it out on other people rather than looking inward and fixing themselves. It is sad but you are not to blame. A therapist is so great, and I am very glad you are going to one. If this person doesn't mesh with you, please try to find one that does. Stay strong - you are doing the right thing! I promise! - and keep taking care of yourself.
posted by sockermom at 6:42 PM on December 10, 2014 [15 favorites]
So I have learned that I can still be myself - I can still be highly empathetic, and loving, and really want others to be happy - but that I can put up mechanisms to evaluate others before I let them in to my life. These mechanisms - personal boundaries - are very, very helpful for me. They allow me to still be myself without putting my self in harm's way.
So I want to say: this is not your fault. This is something that happens because there are bad people in the world. Bad people, hurting people, messed up people - who take it out on other people rather than looking inward and fixing themselves. It is sad but you are not to blame. A therapist is so great, and I am very glad you are going to one. If this person doesn't mesh with you, please try to find one that does. Stay strong - you are doing the right thing! I promise! - and keep taking care of yourself.
posted by sockermom at 6:42 PM on December 10, 2014 [15 favorites]
I've never felt this connection with anyone
I'm not saying all of the nice moments were down to this, but traumatic bonding is part of what keeps people in abusive relationships:
"Traumatic bonding occurs as the result of ongoing cycles of abuse in which the intermittent reinforcement of reward and punishment creates powerful emotional bonds that are resistant to change.[1]"
That messes with you, the gaslighting absolutely messes with you, the whole thing's a headfuck. It's not a normal relationship. You can't trust the validity of anything that happened until you're months, sometimes years out of it. Obsessing about it after leaving is normal.
Better you're going through this now. A few more years of abuse and you wouldn't even be able to recognize it when it happened. It would just be how things were. You'd be hollowed out, alien to yourself, nervous and sick-feeling most of the time. That's what it's like when all the "love" goes.
posted by cotton dress sock at 7:59 PM on December 10, 2014 [9 favorites]
I'm not saying all of the nice moments were down to this, but traumatic bonding is part of what keeps people in abusive relationships:
"Traumatic bonding occurs as the result of ongoing cycles of abuse in which the intermittent reinforcement of reward and punishment creates powerful emotional bonds that are resistant to change.[1]"
That messes with you, the gaslighting absolutely messes with you, the whole thing's a headfuck. It's not a normal relationship. You can't trust the validity of anything that happened until you're months, sometimes years out of it. Obsessing about it after leaving is normal.
Better you're going through this now. A few more years of abuse and you wouldn't even be able to recognize it when it happened. It would just be how things were. You'd be hollowed out, alien to yourself, nervous and sick-feeling most of the time. That's what it's like when all the "love" goes.
posted by cotton dress sock at 7:59 PM on December 10, 2014 [9 favorites]
You don't have to be at a point where your relationship is >51% terrible in order to feel justified in breaking up with someone. I posted a similar question to yours a few years ago, where I described my relationship as 80% great and 20% miserable, and a wise MeFite pointed out that if I'm miserable 20% of the time, that's more than two awful months a year.
You did the right thing and you will find someone better for you. I hope things get easier for you soon.
posted by Pizzarina Sbarro at 8:02 PM on December 10, 2014 [5 favorites]
You did the right thing and you will find someone better for you. I hope things get easier for you soon.
posted by Pizzarina Sbarro at 8:02 PM on December 10, 2014 [5 favorites]
Glad to hear you're checking out therapy - you do seem to realize that certain of your habits (e.g. poor boundaries) are part of the toxic dynamic in your relationship. I think this is especially important, as even if you remain broken up with this particular woman, you may find yourself in a similar relationship down the line without working on the issues you've described.
This, however, goes for your ex-gf too. Before couples therapy, it sounds like she needs individual therapy for herself. Not only that, but she would need to "buy-in" to that notion for her to improve at all, and this is usually the difficult/near-impossible part re: people who are in therapy but don't want to be. Even if all this breaks right, there's no guarantee that she would become someone who didn't treat you so poorly, or that it would happen fast enough.
The odds of this working out are, honestly, pretty long here. Some of the advice may seem a bit harsh, but considering your young age, all the (spot-on) suggestions to stay broken up are coming from a place of not wanting to see you go through more misery just to reach the same result.
Best of luck.
posted by obliterati at 8:18 PM on December 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
This, however, goes for your ex-gf too. Before couples therapy, it sounds like she needs individual therapy for herself. Not only that, but she would need to "buy-in" to that notion for her to improve at all, and this is usually the difficult/near-impossible part re: people who are in therapy but don't want to be. Even if all this breaks right, there's no guarantee that she would become someone who didn't treat you so poorly, or that it would happen fast enough.
The odds of this working out are, honestly, pretty long here. Some of the advice may seem a bit harsh, but considering your young age, all the (spot-on) suggestions to stay broken up are coming from a place of not wanting to see you go through more misery just to reach the same result.
Best of luck.
posted by obliterati at 8:18 PM on December 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
For a minute while reading your question, I entertained the thought that you might somehow have wound up with my ex-girlfriend. The age and other details are wrong, but so much sounds so, so familiar.
Your obsessive worrying does not mean you were wrong to break up. It means that you were stuck in a relationship in which you were continually under the threat of attack, and you never knew what would trigger an attack. Looking at the clock. Telling your girlfriend you wanted to spend alone time with her. Who knows what it would be next? So you're hypervigilant now, and I'd bet a lot of the worrying will diminish as you relax and actually trust that you are much safer now, out of the relationship, than you ever were in the relationship.
It's perfectly normal to wonder if you did the right thing, if maybe things weren't really that bad, if they could have been salvaged if only you had made the right kinds of changes. Hon, there is no change you could have made. You don't need to change. Which isn't to say you're perfect, but who is? You need someone who will love you regardless of your flaws, not use them against you as weapons. You need someone who can encourage you to believe in yourself and trust yourself, not doubt yourself and make yourself smaller and more conforming to whatever bizarre rule is handed out.
I've been where you are now. Hang in there. Stick it out. She's done a very serious number on you and you are probably not yet ready to admit that the relationship was emotionally abusive, that she was manipulating you and bullying you and generally treating you like shit even if she never actually hit you. I know you miss her and love her and remember all the good things about her. But it's not enough.
I remember a big clue for me was when I realised that I actually felt exhausted and wrung-out on Mondays when going back to work after the weekend. By the end of the week, I had usually regained some energy and enthusiasm, only to have her suck it all out of me with two days of undermining, constant picking at me, trying to help me overcome my problems and flaws whilst denying there was anything the matter with her... The less I saw of her, the better off I was. Even if you can't yet, in your head, believe that it is over, please take some time away. Think about things a lot. Think about how you feel without her, with her. Talk to your friends, talk to your therapist, get some outside perspectives because when you are right there in it, perspective is so, so hard to find.
I wish you luck and strength (but remember, you are stronger than you think you are). Please feel free to memail me if you like.
posted by Athanassiel at 10:04 PM on December 10, 2014 [5 favorites]
Your obsessive worrying does not mean you were wrong to break up. It means that you were stuck in a relationship in which you were continually under the threat of attack, and you never knew what would trigger an attack. Looking at the clock. Telling your girlfriend you wanted to spend alone time with her. Who knows what it would be next? So you're hypervigilant now, and I'd bet a lot of the worrying will diminish as you relax and actually trust that you are much safer now, out of the relationship, than you ever were in the relationship.
It's perfectly normal to wonder if you did the right thing, if maybe things weren't really that bad, if they could have been salvaged if only you had made the right kinds of changes. Hon, there is no change you could have made. You don't need to change. Which isn't to say you're perfect, but who is? You need someone who will love you regardless of your flaws, not use them against you as weapons. You need someone who can encourage you to believe in yourself and trust yourself, not doubt yourself and make yourself smaller and more conforming to whatever bizarre rule is handed out.
I've been where you are now. Hang in there. Stick it out. She's done a very serious number on you and you are probably not yet ready to admit that the relationship was emotionally abusive, that she was manipulating you and bullying you and generally treating you like shit even if she never actually hit you. I know you miss her and love her and remember all the good things about her. But it's not enough.
I remember a big clue for me was when I realised that I actually felt exhausted and wrung-out on Mondays when going back to work after the weekend. By the end of the week, I had usually regained some energy and enthusiasm, only to have her suck it all out of me with two days of undermining, constant picking at me, trying to help me overcome my problems and flaws whilst denying there was anything the matter with her... The less I saw of her, the better off I was. Even if you can't yet, in your head, believe that it is over, please take some time away. Think about things a lot. Think about how you feel without her, with her. Talk to your friends, talk to your therapist, get some outside perspectives because when you are right there in it, perspective is so, so hard to find.
I wish you luck and strength (but remember, you are stronger than you think you are). Please feel free to memail me if you like.
posted by Athanassiel at 10:04 PM on December 10, 2014 [5 favorites]
There are so many good answers already, but I want to chime in and say that you absolutely did the right thing. Your ex's behavior is abusive and unacceptable. I was struck by how much more immature she seemed, blowing up over little things and threatening to break up unless you did exactly what she wanted, and yet she's a decade older.
The world is full of wonderful people, and you're one of them. Be good to yourself, cherish the memory of the good times and look forward to a better relationship when you're ready. Best of luck.
posted by Gelatin at 5:42 AM on December 11, 2014 [2 favorites]
The world is full of wonderful people, and you're one of them. Be good to yourself, cherish the memory of the good times and look forward to a better relationship when you're ready. Best of luck.
posted by Gelatin at 5:42 AM on December 11, 2014 [2 favorites]
Everyone feels like this after they break up with an important lover. It has nothing to do with being wrong about the breakup, and everything to do with the fact that it's impossible to rewrite human emotions quickly.
Your heart needs time to catch up to the emotional knowledge that matches your intellectual knowledge: she treated you far worse than you deserved, so you shouldn't be with her.
It will. It gets better.
posted by IAmBroom at 7:28 AM on December 11, 2014 [2 favorites]
Your heart needs time to catch up to the emotional knowledge that matches your intellectual knowledge: she treated you far worse than you deserved, so you shouldn't be with her.
It will. It gets better.
posted by IAmBroom at 7:28 AM on December 11, 2014 [2 favorites]
I'm not sure it was intentional on her part, but honestly her methods of manipulating you into doing what she wants through guilt/fear are indicative of emotional abuse. It sounds to me like she's both emotionally immature and volatile. I'm sure there are things about her that are amazing - you wouldn't be with her if there aren't - but just because a relationship isn't 100% horrible in every way doesn't mean it can be made to work.
It's perfectly normal to have doubts and regrets, especially when there were positive aspects in the relationship at the time of separation. But you did the right thing, as far as I can tell. You don't deserve to be treated the way she treated you. Breaking up with her does not mean you will be alone forever. She is not the only person in the world who will love you. If you want to be in a relationship, you will seek out someone who treats you the way you want to be treated, period.
Cope however you can with the feelings of regret, remind yourself that you deserve so much better, and remember the good parts of your relationship so you know what to look for in the next partner. I wish you all the best. :)
posted by Urban Winter at 7:59 AM on December 11, 2014 [1 favorite]
It's perfectly normal to have doubts and regrets, especially when there were positive aspects in the relationship at the time of separation. But you did the right thing, as far as I can tell. You don't deserve to be treated the way she treated you. Breaking up with her does not mean you will be alone forever. She is not the only person in the world who will love you. If you want to be in a relationship, you will seek out someone who treats you the way you want to be treated, period.
Cope however you can with the feelings of regret, remind yourself that you deserve so much better, and remember the good parts of your relationship so you know what to look for in the next partner. I wish you all the best. :)
posted by Urban Winter at 7:59 AM on December 11, 2014 [1 favorite]
From an anonymous commenter:
The description of your relationship is strangely familiar to me. I would be your girlfriend, and you my loving partner who has shown me tons of affection and generosity and can't understand my anger at apparently small things.posted by restless_nomad at 8:38 AM on December 11, 2014
The difference is that he and I have been in couples therapy for ten months, and I have been in individual therapy for that long as well.
What I can tell you is that the reasons for my anger may appear small, but they are indicative of a pattern that really bothers me in my partner. Namely, he ignores my opinion and desires when they don't suit him, and does so in a passive-aggressive manner sometimes equivalent to gaslighting, which is particularly aggravating. Instead of recognizing - much less appreciating - a difference in opinion, he says nothing and does what he wanted, not making an effort even to be discreet about it. One example is clothes. He just spent a huge amount of money, several thousand dollars, on a high-end custom suit in an all-season wool fabric. He works in an environment where suits are required, so I understood this was an investment for him. When the suit was delivered though, it looked much too flimsy to wear in winter, the fabric so fine and thin that you could see all the bumpy outlines of the lining under it. I told him as much and took a photo to prove my point. He wouldn't look at the picture. I said he would need a heavier suit for this time of year, that this suit was inappropriate in the same way as wearing summer shoes in winter is inappropriate. On top of that, the fabric seemed to have been pressed too aggressively, such that the seams were all shiny along the trouser legs. Considering what the suit cost, I felt it was a disaster and should be returned. I didn't say that though, just pointed out its flaws. My partner proceeded to throw out the packaging the suit had come in and the next morning, a snowy day, he left for work before I was up, as usual, and then called me from the office and informed me he was wearing the new suit. I was quite upset that he disregarded my opinion, and even rubbed it in my face, so I was negative and told him it was much too cold to wear that suit. Later I had a session with my therapist and we talked about my feeling negative and depressed, and she pointed out that my partner really didn't handle the situation in a helpful way, and that it could all have been defused if he could have discussed it with me instead.
Given that this is just one in a series of similar occurrences since the start of our relationship, when it happens I always see the pattern and my reaction seems disproportionate to the actual cause in the moment.
My partner doesn't recognize that he has any part in this at all.
We love each other dearly when things are good but it doesn't take much to tip the balance into negativity for me.
I feel all of our therapy together has not really changed anything and it's only a matter of time before I end the relationship for the last time (I've tried walking out on him three times already but after a few days I miss him too much and go back to him).
Is the fact that this is my first relationship messing with my head? Is this just a stage of the break up I need to tough out?
I think it's normal to feel unsure about breaking up with someone, especially if it's your first time. As women, and people, we're socialized to be accommodating, to not be willful, to bend to what others want, but breaking up with someone is an ultimate expression of will.
It's scary to exert your will, to make a huge decision for your life and someone else. But that's okay! That's what you get to do when a relationship isn't working out.
So I would suggest not toughing it out, but being gentle with yourself. And give yourself permission to own this decision. Exerting control over your life is your right as an adult, but it will take some time to get comfortable with it.
posted by Squeak Attack at 8:43 AM on December 11, 2014
I think it's normal to feel unsure about breaking up with someone, especially if it's your first time. As women, and people, we're socialized to be accommodating, to not be willful, to bend to what others want, but breaking up with someone is an ultimate expression of will.
It's scary to exert your will, to make a huge decision for your life and someone else. But that's okay! That's what you get to do when a relationship isn't working out.
So I would suggest not toughing it out, but being gentle with yourself. And give yourself permission to own this decision. Exerting control over your life is your right as an adult, but it will take some time to get comfortable with it.
posted by Squeak Attack at 8:43 AM on December 11, 2014
Most people would think I was crazy to break up with her - she's beautiful and exciting and successful.
This is only true if those people didn't know any of these other things you described here. Pretty much any one of your examples would be enough for me to say you should DTMFA, but all of them together.... Well, she could be the most beautiful, exciting, successful person in the entire world, and I would still say that you were right to break up with her.
I'm sorry that you're hurting right now, and that is totally understandable, but please, please, stay strong, no matter what she says, and don't go back to her.
I think that some day you will look back on this and realize that you dodged a major bullet by breaking up with this woman. It seems like the pain may be too fresh for you to see it now, so please trust all the other people here who are able to see it for you.
Therapy sounds like a really good idea to help you work through your feelings about the breakup and to try to understand what patterns led to you sticking around in this toxic relationship and to figure out how to avoid repeating this pattern.
Take care of yourself. The regret and second guessing will get better with time, even if it doesn't feel that way right now.
posted by litera scripta manet at 9:23 AM on December 11, 2014 [1 favorite]
This is only true if those people didn't know any of these other things you described here. Pretty much any one of your examples would be enough for me to say you should DTMFA, but all of them together.... Well, she could be the most beautiful, exciting, successful person in the entire world, and I would still say that you were right to break up with her.
I'm sorry that you're hurting right now, and that is totally understandable, but please, please, stay strong, no matter what she says, and don't go back to her.
I think that some day you will look back on this and realize that you dodged a major bullet by breaking up with this woman. It seems like the pain may be too fresh for you to see it now, so please trust all the other people here who are able to see it for you.
Therapy sounds like a really good idea to help you work through your feelings about the breakup and to try to understand what patterns led to you sticking around in this toxic relationship and to figure out how to avoid repeating this pattern.
Take care of yourself. The regret and second guessing will get better with time, even if it doesn't feel that way right now.
posted by litera scripta manet at 9:23 AM on December 11, 2014 [1 favorite]
[she] says I need to help her out by being less annoying.
You are not responsible for anybody else's emotions or reactions; all you have a hope to control are your own emotions and reactions.
"Being annoying" isn't a concrete action you simply choose not to do and, in many cases, whether someone is or isn't annoyed by a particular behavior depends on the situation and their current emotional state. It's a reaction of theirs, to be annoyed, and again isn't something you can control.
Making you "responsible" for her emotional state and her reactions is a classic sign of abuse.
posted by bookdragoness at 10:29 AM on December 11, 2014 [4 favorites]
You are not responsible for anybody else's emotions or reactions; all you have a hope to control are your own emotions and reactions.
"Being annoying" isn't a concrete action you simply choose not to do and, in many cases, whether someone is or isn't annoyed by a particular behavior depends on the situation and their current emotional state. It's a reaction of theirs, to be annoyed, and again isn't something you can control.
Making you "responsible" for her emotional state and her reactions is a classic sign of abuse.
posted by bookdragoness at 10:29 AM on December 11, 2014 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you everyone, I am overwhelmed by all your replies. While I don't think my girlfriend is a bad person or ever intended to hurt me, we had clearly fallen into a cycle of bad behaviour which was not healthy for us. I took a call from her today and she apologised and took responsibility for her actions. I wish she had done this three weeks ago as it would have been much easier to accept then. I believe she is truly remorseful but I don't know whether our relationship could ever be the same after the last few weeks. I still love her and it's hard knowing I could just say the word and try again. We have agreed to cut contact for the next few weeks to clear our heads. Hopefully rereading all of your thoughtful answers and therapy will give me some more clarity.
posted by gatsbyisgreat at 2:59 PM on December 11, 2014
posted by gatsbyisgreat at 2:59 PM on December 11, 2014
Sounds like a trauma bond to me. The best thing you can do is go no-contact. Right now your nervous system is in full-scale panic mode and you actually cannot think straight. I see your obsessive worrying as an indicator of trauma and interpersonal abuse. I give you permission to seek a different style of loving.
posted by macinchik at 11:06 PM on December 11, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by macinchik at 11:06 PM on December 11, 2014 [2 favorites]
As you build your strength in therapy, she may well try to woo you back. But these situations get incrementally harder to leave the more you invest. Please be careful - learn young what a healthy relationship could look like - the heartache you will save by doing this would really be beyond words. Well done for getting therapy.
posted by tanktop at 3:01 PM on December 12, 2014
posted by tanktop at 3:01 PM on December 12, 2014
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posted by mchorn at 3:47 PM on December 10, 2014 [4 favorites]