Coping with uncertainty after asking alcoholic husband to move out
December 9, 2014 5:04 PM Subscribe
Last night after the final trampling of my boundaries, I asked my husband to please move out. I'm sort of adrift now. Hope me.
My two-year marriage (eight year relationship) has been on the rocks for almost our entire marriage, chiefly due to my husband's alcoholism and my inability to detach with love but rather just detaching to maintain my sanity. I was in denial of his alcoholism when I married him. We have been in marriage counseling for ~5 months.
I've been in Al-Anon for almost two years but struggled with Step 1 because I always felt like I could still exercise some amount of control over his drinking. A few months ago I told him that he could not be around me anymore while under the influence of alcohol, which meant that if he would blow more than a zero on a breathalyzer he had to leave. He pushed that boundary several times, when I would come home from work and he'd been drinking, and I had to ask him to leave. (He goes to an enabling friend's house.) In October I came home to him out cold on the floor with a drink next to him, had to call 911, the whole thing. The following week when we were in marriage counseling, I told him that I could not do that again, and the next time he drank that I was there to see, he would have to leave, but could not come back until he'd completed a rehab program.
He was drinking last night when I got home, and so I told him to leave. He packed a bag and left. I finally, utterly, understood Step 1; even the threat of having to leave and not being allowed to return to our home and our marriage was not enough to arrest his drinking. It was completely out of my control. I was powerless over alcohol.
We meet with the marriage counselor tonight, it's a standing appointment. What I'd like to tell my husband is that he has until the end of the month to decide if he is going to go to rehab, and until the second week of January to check into one. If he decides he doesn't want to, then he doesn't have to, but our marriage will be over. If he says he will, and doesn't, I won't force him, but our marriage will be over. If he goes to rehab, we will go from there.
In the meantime... I'm alone for the holidays. (I celebrate Hanukkah.) My family is far away, and my friends outside of Al-Anon don't know that my marriage is crumbling or that my husband is an alcoholic. I don't know how to deflect their questions, receive gifts/mail for him at our home, pretend that he still lives here and everything is fine for the rest of the month (?!?), be alone in this big house, see couples doing nice things around the coziest time of the year. I don't know how to live with the uncertainty that he might be back, but he might not, and I won't know for a while. Hope me.
Yes, I have discussed this with my sponsor and Al-Anon friends. I'm looking for some outside-the-program perspective since I don't have any access to that otherwise.
My two-year marriage (eight year relationship) has been on the rocks for almost our entire marriage, chiefly due to my husband's alcoholism and my inability to detach with love but rather just detaching to maintain my sanity. I was in denial of his alcoholism when I married him. We have been in marriage counseling for ~5 months.
I've been in Al-Anon for almost two years but struggled with Step 1 because I always felt like I could still exercise some amount of control over his drinking. A few months ago I told him that he could not be around me anymore while under the influence of alcohol, which meant that if he would blow more than a zero on a breathalyzer he had to leave. He pushed that boundary several times, when I would come home from work and he'd been drinking, and I had to ask him to leave. (He goes to an enabling friend's house.) In October I came home to him out cold on the floor with a drink next to him, had to call 911, the whole thing. The following week when we were in marriage counseling, I told him that I could not do that again, and the next time he drank that I was there to see, he would have to leave, but could not come back until he'd completed a rehab program.
He was drinking last night when I got home, and so I told him to leave. He packed a bag and left. I finally, utterly, understood Step 1; even the threat of having to leave and not being allowed to return to our home and our marriage was not enough to arrest his drinking. It was completely out of my control. I was powerless over alcohol.
We meet with the marriage counselor tonight, it's a standing appointment. What I'd like to tell my husband is that he has until the end of the month to decide if he is going to go to rehab, and until the second week of January to check into one. If he decides he doesn't want to, then he doesn't have to, but our marriage will be over. If he says he will, and doesn't, I won't force him, but our marriage will be over. If he goes to rehab, we will go from there.
In the meantime... I'm alone for the holidays. (I celebrate Hanukkah.) My family is far away, and my friends outside of Al-Anon don't know that my marriage is crumbling or that my husband is an alcoholic. I don't know how to deflect their questions, receive gifts/mail for him at our home, pretend that he still lives here and everything is fine for the rest of the month (?!?), be alone in this big house, see couples doing nice things around the coziest time of the year. I don't know how to live with the uncertainty that he might be back, but he might not, and I won't know for a while. Hope me.
Yes, I have discussed this with my sponsor and Al-Anon friends. I'm looking for some outside-the-program perspective since I don't have any access to that otherwise.
Getting into a detox/rehab program typically takes a day at most. Why give him a month? You're only prolonging your own suffering as you wait for him to fail… I'm sorry. You've already given him more time than he deserves. Good for you for taking care of yourself now.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 5:12 PM on December 9, 2014 [41 favorites]
posted by treehorn+bunny at 5:12 PM on December 9, 2014 [41 favorites]
I want to say all sorts of program things to you right now, but since you specifically asked for other stuff and how to deal with this month (no, i don't like that idea of giving him a month, but okay, that's the parameter of what you actually asked): if you can't get yourself to a location where you're around loved ones and friends you can confide in, turn your attention to others who are worse off than you. Go volunteer at a shelter or a food bank or a soup kitchen. The holidays are a great time to give, and that may also help you gain perspective on what you're experiencing.
posted by BlahLaLa at 5:14 PM on December 9, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by BlahLaLa at 5:14 PM on December 9, 2014 [4 favorites]
I don't have the experience to help you, but I wanted to pop in and tell you you did the right thing.
posted by starbreaker at 5:19 PM on December 9, 2014 [14 favorites]
posted by starbreaker at 5:19 PM on December 9, 2014 [14 favorites]
I think you should be honest with your friends but according to how well you know them. For close friends you should be able to share this them and they should be there for you. There's nothing wrong with that. For acquaintances be honest that Husband is "going away for a few weeks for personal reasons" and "you're not really doing the holiday thing." You don't have to elaborate but if they have any tact they'll drop it.
posted by bleep at 5:20 PM on December 9, 2014 [7 favorites]
posted by bleep at 5:20 PM on December 9, 2014 [7 favorites]
Wow, you need to gather up your support group. I don't think you have to give your family/close friends the gory details, but please do tell them something, or keeping the secret will be as much as a burden as the uncertainty. "Husband and I are going through some difficulties" is fine for most people, and if pressed: "sorry, I don't want to discuss it further." It will be really good practice in 1) letting others help you, and 2) learning to set boundaries with people.
posted by desjardins at 5:25 PM on December 9, 2014 [14 favorites]
posted by desjardins at 5:25 PM on December 9, 2014 [14 favorites]
Sign for his packages, put them and his mail in a big paper bag or laundry basket.
To non-family, he's had to travel away for a family emergency (which is technically true). To his family, if he doesn't communicate with them, tell them they'll have to discuss with him whenever he is able as you cannot speak for him at this time.
These are all practicalities and are surmountable.
As for you, if there are friends you are willing to tell, please do and let them help you. This isn't going to be over anytime soon, and you are under no obligation to pretend everything is okay - because it's not, no matter what the outcome. Your husband is ill and it will be a long time before he is well, and the chances for your marriage aren't great, but even if you do make it, it will be a brand new marriage completely unlike the previous one. Changes are going to be obvious.
You're allowed to be private, but don't be so unrealistic that you hurt yourself further trying to manufacture a perfect front.
You're putting this decision in his not real capable hands, giving him (and alcohol) the power still, gambling that even when he is desperately unwell he will choose you over the thing that's probably actually keeping him alive right now, if he's drinking that much. You're still playing ultimatums, trying to control his intake. You're still enabling him by giving him room to hedge. Why not go to the hospital tomorrow to withdraw and then straight to rehab? Your Hanukkah is already completely ruined, and people die trying to "get ready" for rehab.
Like the others said, if you can go somewhere, do it. If you can't, and can't go stay with a friend (or have friends come stay with you), maybe volunteer. It's a tough time of year for a lot of people who don't really want to have to see other people's warm fuzzies either, and that kind of companionship can be nice, when you can just let your guard down.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:29 PM on December 9, 2014 [13 favorites]
To non-family, he's had to travel away for a family emergency (which is technically true). To his family, if he doesn't communicate with them, tell them they'll have to discuss with him whenever he is able as you cannot speak for him at this time.
These are all practicalities and are surmountable.
As for you, if there are friends you are willing to tell, please do and let them help you. This isn't going to be over anytime soon, and you are under no obligation to pretend everything is okay - because it's not, no matter what the outcome. Your husband is ill and it will be a long time before he is well, and the chances for your marriage aren't great, but even if you do make it, it will be a brand new marriage completely unlike the previous one. Changes are going to be obvious.
You're allowed to be private, but don't be so unrealistic that you hurt yourself further trying to manufacture a perfect front.
You're putting this decision in his not real capable hands, giving him (and alcohol) the power still, gambling that even when he is desperately unwell he will choose you over the thing that's probably actually keeping him alive right now, if he's drinking that much. You're still playing ultimatums, trying to control his intake. You're still enabling him by giving him room to hedge. Why not go to the hospital tomorrow to withdraw and then straight to rehab? Your Hanukkah is already completely ruined, and people die trying to "get ready" for rehab.
Like the others said, if you can go somewhere, do it. If you can't, and can't go stay with a friend (or have friends come stay with you), maybe volunteer. It's a tough time of year for a lot of people who don't really want to have to see other people's warm fuzzies either, and that kind of companionship can be nice, when you can just let your guard down.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:29 PM on December 9, 2014 [13 favorites]
I think you should be honest with your friends but according to how well you know them.
I'd agree with this. I am sorry for this, other people's alcohol problems are terrible to deal with and tend to ramp up during the time of the year when it's most awful. This is, however, not a coincidence, it's just how people's (bad) coping mechanisms work.
I hear you about having trouble with Step 1 and I applaud your ability to set boundaries and keep them. I would also suggest not keeping this a secret from close friends and/or family. This is something that is happening to YOU also. A lot of people who get into relationships with alcoholics have a tendency to either be alcoholics themselves or people who enable and support alcoholics (usually inadvertently, through trying to be supportive, a good partner, a good friend, the "one person" who understands them, etc) which means they can subsume their own needs and desires for the needs and desires of the alcoholic in their life.
I feel like even by giving your husband the farther out timelines you're just prolonging your own pain. You already gave him boundaries and he didn't just "letter of the law" broke them, he spirit of the law broke them. You can be supportive of the fact that he may be in trouble personally without having to have the constant drama of the 911 calls and the "What is going to happen when I get home?" dread. You deserve stability in your life. There are support avenues for your husband and one of the hardest things about this will be telling him that he has to seek them out and deal with them on his own unless he can get himself more stabilized.
You can maintain a cordial "Here is your mail" relationship with your husband while he is grappling with this so that you can keep lines of communication open. You can imagine a future for yourself that doesn't have someone else's drinking as the extra third (crappy) person in your relationship. You can leave town and see people who don't even know him so much and really love and care about you. This is a tough time to need support but a good time to find people who are or can be supportive. I wish you the best.
posted by jessamyn at 5:30 PM on December 9, 2014 [16 favorites]
I'd agree with this. I am sorry for this, other people's alcohol problems are terrible to deal with and tend to ramp up during the time of the year when it's most awful. This is, however, not a coincidence, it's just how people's (bad) coping mechanisms work.
I hear you about having trouble with Step 1 and I applaud your ability to set boundaries and keep them. I would also suggest not keeping this a secret from close friends and/or family. This is something that is happening to YOU also. A lot of people who get into relationships with alcoholics have a tendency to either be alcoholics themselves or people who enable and support alcoholics (usually inadvertently, through trying to be supportive, a good partner, a good friend, the "one person" who understands them, etc) which means they can subsume their own needs and desires for the needs and desires of the alcoholic in their life.
I feel like even by giving your husband the farther out timelines you're just prolonging your own pain. You already gave him boundaries and he didn't just "letter of the law" broke them, he spirit of the law broke them. You can be supportive of the fact that he may be in trouble personally without having to have the constant drama of the 911 calls and the "What is going to happen when I get home?" dread. You deserve stability in your life. There are support avenues for your husband and one of the hardest things about this will be telling him that he has to seek them out and deal with them on his own unless he can get himself more stabilized.
You can maintain a cordial "Here is your mail" relationship with your husband while he is grappling with this so that you can keep lines of communication open. You can imagine a future for yourself that doesn't have someone else's drinking as the extra third (crappy) person in your relationship. You can leave town and see people who don't even know him so much and really love and care about you. This is a tough time to need support but a good time to find people who are or can be supportive. I wish you the best.
posted by jessamyn at 5:30 PM on December 9, 2014 [16 favorites]
I'd say that if you dread being alone for the holidays, just don't be. If family and friends aren't an entirely comfortable option, book yourself a trip to Bali!
In any case, kudos to you for your courage and magnanimity towards your husband. You gave him more slack than you needed to, he used it up, now take care of yourself.
posted by XMLicious at 5:37 PM on December 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
In any case, kudos to you for your courage and magnanimity towards your husband. You gave him more slack than you needed to, he used it up, now take care of yourself.
posted by XMLicious at 5:37 PM on December 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
You start by telling people. This is no longer something you hide. You ask for help, and your friends will help. Its really as simple as that.
posted by larthegreat at 5:43 PM on December 9, 2014 [14 favorites]
posted by larthegreat at 5:43 PM on December 9, 2014 [14 favorites]
I have all sorts of issues this time of year but if a friend told me what you've just said? I would absolutely welcome her to whatever parts of the holiday she wanted to spend with me*. Even if that was just sitting quietly together reading. You do, and will, need support and if you are close with your family speaking with them might be helpful, if not going home. If you aren't, can you do some parts of Hannukkah that you haven't done? As in things you haven't gotten to do because your husband didn't like them? I don't know if that's possible, but I would probably do something like that in your situation.
*I think I only really have one or two friends I could do this to, and at least one friend who I like a lot but who would be way too intrusive, so it depends on the friendships.
posted by geek anachronism at 5:43 PM on December 9, 2014 [7 favorites]
*I think I only really have one or two friends I could do this to, and at least one friend who I like a lot but who would be way too intrusive, so it depends on the friendships.
posted by geek anachronism at 5:43 PM on December 9, 2014 [7 favorites]
Please secure your financial life. New passwords, credit alerts/freezes, open your own bank account etc etc. Get copies of all your documents secured. He is capable of doing a lot of damage, now is the time to take steps to minimize that.
posted by Sophont at 5:44 PM on December 9, 2014 [15 favorites]
posted by Sophont at 5:44 PM on December 9, 2014 [15 favorites]
Please don't look at telling your friends and getting support as like, gross gossiping or drama stirring. I know you didn't directly bring that up, but some people WILL take it to that "eww that's no one else's business" zone and um, no.
I nth reaching out to your friends. I don't know what your family is like, but mine and many friends would want to talk about it, and pick it apart, and talk shit on him rather than just being freaking supportive. Friends tend to be wayyyy better for that. Especially since it would really surprise me if none of them had dealt with an alcoholic family member or something.
It always saddens me that friends wait til the point of utter personal destruction to even bring anything up because of like.. The stigma, or something.
Anyone who kinda distances/drifts away isn't your friend. I really doubt you don't have any real friends though, and i think you might be surprised at who steps up and relates.
posted by emptythought at 5:47 PM on December 9, 2014 [4 favorites]
I nth reaching out to your friends. I don't know what your family is like, but mine and many friends would want to talk about it, and pick it apart, and talk shit on him rather than just being freaking supportive. Friends tend to be wayyyy better for that. Especially since it would really surprise me if none of them had dealt with an alcoholic family member or something.
It always saddens me that friends wait til the point of utter personal destruction to even bring anything up because of like.. The stigma, or something.
Anyone who kinda distances/drifts away isn't your friend. I really doubt you don't have any real friends though, and i think you might be surprised at who steps up and relates.
posted by emptythought at 5:47 PM on December 9, 2014 [4 favorites]
One of the reasons no one knows about your husbands alcoholism and about your fight with it is because you've enabled him to keep this secret. Don't keep the secret. Send out an email blast to everyone you can think of:
Dear Friends,
I have some sad news this season. Mr. Anon and I are separating. Mr. Anon has a health problem that he is not addressing and I'm not willing to enable him any more. This is the hardest thing I've ever done and I'm scared and vulnerable. I need all the love and support of friends and family. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers and invite me over to drink cocoa and watch movies. I'm also free for Christmas Eve and Christmas day, so if you have a spare seat at your table, I'd love to occupy it!
Anon
You've heard this, but it bears repeating, you're only as sick as your secrets. While it's not your place to talk about your spouse's illness, you can certainly discuss his disease and your part in it, in broad terms. Once you come clean to everyone you'll feel so free! Also, co-dependent people tend not to ask for help, so step out of your comfort zone and ask EVERYONE for help!
Talk to your Al-Anon group and ask them to help you. Ask your friends to help you. Ask your family to help you. People like to help and we especially like to help during the holidays.
If you're in Atlanta, you're welcome to join us for Chinese food and movies!
As for what to say in counseling, "Cletus is not allowed back into my life until he goes to rehab and gets clean. I can't compete with his first love, alcohol and I'm not going to try anymore. At this point either he gets into rehab right now, or I'm filing for divorce."
Congratulations! This is so hard, and you're doing fine so far.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:04 PM on December 9, 2014 [34 favorites]
Dear Friends,
I have some sad news this season. Mr. Anon and I are separating. Mr. Anon has a health problem that he is not addressing and I'm not willing to enable him any more. This is the hardest thing I've ever done and I'm scared and vulnerable. I need all the love and support of friends and family. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers and invite me over to drink cocoa and watch movies. I'm also free for Christmas Eve and Christmas day, so if you have a spare seat at your table, I'd love to occupy it!
Anon
You've heard this, but it bears repeating, you're only as sick as your secrets. While it's not your place to talk about your spouse's illness, you can certainly discuss his disease and your part in it, in broad terms. Once you come clean to everyone you'll feel so free! Also, co-dependent people tend not to ask for help, so step out of your comfort zone and ask EVERYONE for help!
Talk to your Al-Anon group and ask them to help you. Ask your friends to help you. Ask your family to help you. People like to help and we especially like to help during the holidays.
If you're in Atlanta, you're welcome to join us for Chinese food and movies!
As for what to say in counseling, "Cletus is not allowed back into my life until he goes to rehab and gets clean. I can't compete with his first love, alcohol and I'm not going to try anymore. At this point either he gets into rehab right now, or I'm filing for divorce."
Congratulations! This is so hard, and you're doing fine so far.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:04 PM on December 9, 2014 [34 favorites]
You don't have to tell everyone, but I think you should tell someone. Your mom, your sister, your best friend. Someone you trust and can be honest with about what's going on. Someone who really, really loves you and is going to stick with you no matter what happens. When I reached this point with my husband I sat up all night waiting for it to be morning so I could call my mom. Telling someone outside the program makes it real and it also makes you realize that people love you and are on your side. I was absolutely shocked at the support I received. Almost every single person I told revealed that they had a loved one or close friend with an addiction or mental health problem, either in the present or the past. People don't talk about it much, but most people will understand. Your friends and family will want to help you. Let them be there.
posted by something something at 6:12 PM on December 9, 2014 [6 favorites]
posted by something something at 6:12 PM on December 9, 2014 [6 favorites]
Also, anon, I am so proud of you. I know from a lot of years of experience that boundaries are easy to set and really, really hard to stick to when the shit hits the fan. You did the right thing. It's going to get easier.
posted by something something at 6:14 PM on December 9, 2014 [6 favorites]
posted by something something at 6:14 PM on December 9, 2014 [6 favorites]
My family is far away, and my friends outside of Al-Anon don't know that my marriage is crumbling or that my husband is an alcoholic. I don't know how to deflect their questions, receive gifts/mail for him at our home, pretend that he still lives here and everything is fine
Why are you covering for him? "Do you tell lies to cover up for someone else’s drinking?" is actually one of the eight questions Al Anon asks to help you decide if you would benefit. His illness is not your shame. His shame is not your shame.
You really have no idea how freeing it is to not have to cart around an addict's bullshit. It is not your burden to carry.
Don't cover for him. Reach out for the help you need.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:17 PM on December 9, 2014 [20 favorites]
Why are you covering for him? "Do you tell lies to cover up for someone else’s drinking?" is actually one of the eight questions Al Anon asks to help you decide if you would benefit. His illness is not your shame. His shame is not your shame.
You really have no idea how freeing it is to not have to cart around an addict's bullshit. It is not your burden to carry.
Don't cover for him. Reach out for the help you need.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:17 PM on December 9, 2014 [20 favorites]
When I started to be open about my difficulties with my partner's drinking, I was really worried that it would poison their perception of our relationship. But there's a large gap between being honest and complaining and trashing your relationship to your friends.
Alcoholism is a disease. It might be a disease with a lot symptoms that force you to separate. But by concentrating on the disease aspect, and just saying you are dealing with the issues, I found that most my friends, and even my family, were very supportive of me. And supportive of me without having to take a stand one way or another if my partner and I make the next milestone.
YMMV, but that's one person's experience.
posted by politikitty at 6:30 PM on December 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
Alcoholism is a disease. It might be a disease with a lot symptoms that force you to separate. But by concentrating on the disease aspect, and just saying you are dealing with the issues, I found that most my friends, and even my family, were very supportive of me. And supportive of me without having to take a stand one way or another if my partner and I make the next milestone.
YMMV, but that's one person's experience.
posted by politikitty at 6:30 PM on December 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
I can relate to what you asked, and I agree with a lot of advice above: go to family, travel, and ask for support.
Another perspective, you can also befriend yourself and do things in the spirit of celebrating what you are doing for yourself ("I'm done with putting up with the drinking"). Take yourself out to dinner? Take yourself to temple for the holidays? Or if you're not ready to celebrate, then befriend yourself wherever you're at and do what you need to do. Watch a movie marathon of sad breakup movies? In your shoes, I'd find the waiting to be the worst, and I'd probably burn off the anxiety via long exercise sessions and then distract myself by rewatching Breaking Bad or something. The book When Things Fall Apart is also great for uncertainty.
In terms of what to tell people you can't tell the truth, maybe just tell them that he's visiting a friend, or (if he did check in to rehab) that he's at "a health retreat" (both true).
posted by salvia at 6:56 PM on December 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
Another perspective, you can also befriend yourself and do things in the spirit of celebrating what you are doing for yourself ("I'm done with putting up with the drinking"). Take yourself out to dinner? Take yourself to temple for the holidays? Or if you're not ready to celebrate, then befriend yourself wherever you're at and do what you need to do. Watch a movie marathon of sad breakup movies? In your shoes, I'd find the waiting to be the worst, and I'd probably burn off the anxiety via long exercise sessions and then distract myself by rewatching Breaking Bad or something. The book When Things Fall Apart is also great for uncertainty.
In terms of what to tell people you can't tell the truth, maybe just tell them that he's visiting a friend, or (if he did check in to rehab) that he's at "a health retreat" (both true).
posted by salvia at 6:56 PM on December 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
I agree with others that one of the symptoms of an alcoholic family is secret-keeping, and I agree with others that you should examine whether that's something you want to keep doing. He put this restriction on you, even if not explicitly, and you are not required to abide by it, especially if it's actively damaging your own ability to cope. And not having a support network is actively damaging to anyone's ability to cope.
posted by jaguar at 7:33 PM on December 9, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by jaguar at 7:33 PM on December 9, 2014 [3 favorites]
Well, one way I might deal with the uncertainty is to decide right now that I was done with this marriage, no matter how my partner behaved now or in the future. Your trust and good will toward this person may be completely extinguished. That's OK. You can love no matter who or what is in your life. You can love yourself and you can love strangers and you can love your cat and you can love your memories. We know love by loving. This, for me, has never once faltered.
posted by macinchik at 8:21 PM on December 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by macinchik at 8:21 PM on December 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
I both agree that you should ask for support from your friends and family but also be careful about what you say. Our mutual friends, who I told about my husband's drinking before I got into Al-Anon, were all, "He's never been drunk around us. How much does he drink?" If I were going to do it again, I would not call him an alcoholic. I would say that our relationship was in danger, that we couldn't be together over the holidays and I was sad.
What would you enjoy doing? One of the worst parts of being partnered to an addict or alcoholic is never being able to relax, never being able to just do what you want and not worry that your partner's about to be triggered or fall off the wagon or whatever.
I don't usually celebrate Hanukkah. But if it doesn't fall on Christmas and you happen to be in the Bay Area, I would be delighted to spend it with you. And you are welcome to spend Christmas dinner with two extreme secular humanists as well.
You have been in a exhausting fight. Some fights are good to lose. It's good when you finally realise, as I did, that my husband was always going to choose the bottle over me because he was ill and there was nothing I could do about it. Except take care of myself and learn how to feel joy again. You can do this. It won't be easy. It will be wonderful when it finally happens.
posted by Bella Donna at 8:25 PM on December 9, 2014 [7 favorites]
What would you enjoy doing? One of the worst parts of being partnered to an addict or alcoholic is never being able to relax, never being able to just do what you want and not worry that your partner's about to be triggered or fall off the wagon or whatever.
I don't usually celebrate Hanukkah. But if it doesn't fall on Christmas and you happen to be in the Bay Area, I would be delighted to spend it with you. And you are welcome to spend Christmas dinner with two extreme secular humanists as well.
You have been in a exhausting fight. Some fights are good to lose. It's good when you finally realise, as I did, that my husband was always going to choose the bottle over me because he was ill and there was nothing I could do about it. Except take care of myself and learn how to feel joy again. You can do this. It won't be easy. It will be wonderful when it finally happens.
posted by Bella Donna at 8:25 PM on December 9, 2014 [7 favorites]
Tell your friends, but be prepared to find out who your "real friends" really are. Don't take it personally, some people just know how to be friends during good weather. Others are at their best when you need them. This is not just about your husband, this is about you too, your marriage is falling apart and you need to tell people about it, for your sake.
posted by CrazyLemonade at 8:59 PM on December 9, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by CrazyLemonade at 8:59 PM on December 9, 2014 [3 favorites]
There has already been some solid advice in here, but you know the saying "you're only as sick as your secrets"? The more you tell, the easier it will get. It's very hard now because part of the sickness of alcoholism is this isolating secret-keeping, but like anything, it will get easier with practice, and that's how you will find your own support network.
You're in my thoughts. You're doing the right thing.
posted by fiercecupcake at 6:21 AM on December 10, 2014 [2 favorites]
You're in my thoughts. You're doing the right thing.
posted by fiercecupcake at 6:21 AM on December 10, 2014 [2 favorites]
I understand what people are saying about the 'generous' month boundary but I think a day wouldn't be a lot either. Yeah I get it, he doesn't follow through on stuff but you have just made a bold move and some time for him to take that in is ok I think (as much as he will or won't).
posted by tanktop at 8:52 AM on December 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by tanktop at 8:52 AM on December 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
It is so hard to accept the fact that he would rather drink than be with you. This is a reflection on HIM, not on you. Trust me, I know. I have been where you are. I threw my husband out months after our kid was born (drugs, not booze.) People would ask me all the time how he was enjoying being a father, and it was difficult but necessary to tell them "he likes it, but he isn't living with us right now." I just did not have the energy to play the deflection game, and it wasn't my job to anyway. Some people asked why, and I was honest with them. Some people didn't, and that was okay too.
I was very wary of telling people what was going on, especially the people we both knew and loved. I didn't want them to hate him, or blame him, or be angry with him. I also didn't want them to think I was overreacting, or think I should be trying harder to help him. Turns out I should have given the people in our lives way more credit, because quite literally to a person, they stepped up for both of us. Knowing they were in my corner but also supporting him was an enormous relief to me.
That's all a lot of words to say in my experience, telling people is always better than not telling people. Truth will out. Hiding things made me feel shameful and alone.
Regarding the month time-frame, and the ultimatum, let me just say that you are giving him all the power. I think that is what is fueling your fear of the uncertain. When you give him control, by telling him if he stops drinking then he can come home, your future is dependent on his actions, not your own. If you were to say, for example, "I do not choose to live with anyone who is drinking/who does not value me as a person/not working to make themselves better," then you get to decide when and if he gets to come home.
This is not your secret, not your shame, and not your fault. Do whatever you need to in order to get through the holidays. I spent a lot of time on a forum called soberrecovery.com. Maybe that would help you too. Good luck, and Happy Hanukah!
posted by lyssabee at 10:04 AM on December 10, 2014 [6 favorites]
I was very wary of telling people what was going on, especially the people we both knew and loved. I didn't want them to hate him, or blame him, or be angry with him. I also didn't want them to think I was overreacting, or think I should be trying harder to help him. Turns out I should have given the people in our lives way more credit, because quite literally to a person, they stepped up for both of us. Knowing they were in my corner but also supporting him was an enormous relief to me.
That's all a lot of words to say in my experience, telling people is always better than not telling people. Truth will out. Hiding things made me feel shameful and alone.
Regarding the month time-frame, and the ultimatum, let me just say that you are giving him all the power. I think that is what is fueling your fear of the uncertain. When you give him control, by telling him if he stops drinking then he can come home, your future is dependent on his actions, not your own. If you were to say, for example, "I do not choose to live with anyone who is drinking/who does not value me as a person/not working to make themselves better," then you get to decide when and if he gets to come home.
This is not your secret, not your shame, and not your fault. Do whatever you need to in order to get through the holidays. I spent a lot of time on a forum called soberrecovery.com. Maybe that would help you too. Good luck, and Happy Hanukah!
posted by lyssabee at 10:04 AM on December 10, 2014 [6 favorites]
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posted by xingcat at 5:11 PM on December 9, 2014 [8 favorites]