Married for 38 years -- divorcing now -- how painful?
December 9, 2014 3:04 PM Subscribe
After 38 years of a struggling marriage things fell apart this past weekend. MeFites give me some assurances that this is the right thing to do at this stage in my life.
Facts:
*Married for 38 years.
*We just seem to bring out the worst in each other.
*Children all grown with grandchildren. Only two are old enough to be disturbed by Papa and Grandma not being together anymore.
*We are both 58 years old.
Of course all of this came to a head three weeks before Christmas. My spouse is very bitter even though he was the one who said he was done. I'm very sad about the whole thing, but yet relieved because neither of us have been happy for years and years.
However, I am worried about getting through this long term. Please give me words of advice from those who have been there to help me get through this dreary time of year with my sanity intact.
Facts:
*Married for 38 years.
*We just seem to bring out the worst in each other.
*Children all grown with grandchildren. Only two are old enough to be disturbed by Papa and Grandma not being together anymore.
*We are both 58 years old.
Of course all of this came to a head three weeks before Christmas. My spouse is very bitter even though he was the one who said he was done. I'm very sad about the whole thing, but yet relieved because neither of us have been happy for years and years.
However, I am worried about getting through this long term. Please give me words of advice from those who have been there to help me get through this dreary time of year with my sanity intact.
Best answer: Good for you. It will be hard, but what kept me going is telling myself I'm already happier, and will be much better off when this is all over with.
People will take this personally and make it about themselves. Friends and family will expect you to explain to them why this is happening, and ask you if you've tried counseling, etc. etc. and generally see if they can somehow convince you to reconsider. They will impart their own relationship wisdom on you. Forgive them and try not to get irritated.
Your kids may be older, but still, take care not to bad-mouth your soon-to-be ex. It drives people away from you. Your ex will likely surprise you with how nasty he can be. Just remind yourself this is what you're leaving behind.
Work on getting one of you moved out asap - this will be the biggest step towards moving on. It will be weird having to take on a lot of responsibilities that you may have forgotten about because your partner looked after them. It will be scary but also liberating and fulfilling, to become an independent person again. Seek comfort from friends, nurture those friendships and distract yourself, get yourself busy with social activity. Consider yourself liberated.
Hang in there.
posted by lizbunny at 3:56 PM on December 9, 2014 [3 favorites]
People will take this personally and make it about themselves. Friends and family will expect you to explain to them why this is happening, and ask you if you've tried counseling, etc. etc. and generally see if they can somehow convince you to reconsider. They will impart their own relationship wisdom on you. Forgive them and try not to get irritated.
Your kids may be older, but still, take care not to bad-mouth your soon-to-be ex. It drives people away from you. Your ex will likely surprise you with how nasty he can be. Just remind yourself this is what you're leaving behind.
Work on getting one of you moved out asap - this will be the biggest step towards moving on. It will be weird having to take on a lot of responsibilities that you may have forgotten about because your partner looked after them. It will be scary but also liberating and fulfilling, to become an independent person again. Seek comfort from friends, nurture those friendships and distract yourself, get yourself busy with social activity. Consider yourself liberated.
Hang in there.
posted by lizbunny at 3:56 PM on December 9, 2014 [3 favorites]
A bitter person can turn nasty, divorce makes even the kindest people crazy so do what Etrigan said. Lawyer up ASAP or even sooner & make sure he can't freeze/empty your bank accounts. Open your own bank account if you don't have one already & direct all your personal income etc into there in case accounts are frozen.
If you are a devious sort of person visit the three best lawyers in town first so he can't use them, then pick which one of them you want. Do not trust his assurances about anything until they are all legally in writing & signed. Do not sign a single thing without your lawyer seeing it first.
Get copies of all your paperwork, everything, bank statements, deeds, payslips for both sides everything, put these copies someplace he can't get to them.
From now on keep a papertrail, try & keep communication with him in writing. Email is fine. Do not say anything in writing that can be used against you.
Talk to your lawyer about who moves out & when & how before agreeing to anything.
Keep things neutral with your children, try not to make them take sides. They may anyway, he may try & sway them, though it sounds like most are old enough to make up their own minds, so keep things factual & neutral.
I am not going to suggest that your husband is going to turn into a crazyman trying to punish you through this divorce, but it is better to have things organised in case he does and not need those protections. Than to need them and not have them.
posted by wwax at 4:02 PM on December 9, 2014 [3 favorites]
If you are a devious sort of person visit the three best lawyers in town first so he can't use them, then pick which one of them you want. Do not trust his assurances about anything until they are all legally in writing & signed. Do not sign a single thing without your lawyer seeing it first.
Get copies of all your paperwork, everything, bank statements, deeds, payslips for both sides everything, put these copies someplace he can't get to them.
From now on keep a papertrail, try & keep communication with him in writing. Email is fine. Do not say anything in writing that can be used against you.
Talk to your lawyer about who moves out & when & how before agreeing to anything.
Keep things neutral with your children, try not to make them take sides. They may anyway, he may try & sway them, though it sounds like most are old enough to make up their own minds, so keep things factual & neutral.
I am not going to suggest that your husband is going to turn into a crazyman trying to punish you through this divorce, but it is better to have things organised in case he does and not need those protections. Than to need them and not have them.
posted by wwax at 4:02 PM on December 9, 2014 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Lawyer and don't think oh 38 years gone - you did a lot during that time - but think of the next ten years ahead to write a new chapter in my life. The first year will be tough and then you have many many years ahead. I really like the book Crazy Time for the emotions of that first turbulent year of divorce because it was true - the chaos and drama was intense but it can and does end. Dream about a decade ahead - do you want to go back to school, sail a river, grow a garden, samba dance? Dreams and plans will be a lighthouse through the rough waters, but you'll get there.
posted by viggorlijah at 4:11 PM on December 9, 2014 [8 favorites]
posted by viggorlijah at 4:11 PM on December 9, 2014 [8 favorites]
Also focus on building and strengthening your non-family, IRL social network - volunteer, meet up with friends you haven't seen for a while, join a book club, take a course like Master Gardeners. Some solitude will be good, but establishing social support gets harder later in life.
posted by mmiddle at 4:27 PM on December 9, 2014
posted by mmiddle at 4:27 PM on December 9, 2014
Get a lawyer, but also get a therapist. I watched my parents divorce this year after 38 years of marriage and I think they were both surprised by the emotions it unearthed.
(I would also prepare yourself for the fact that your children may not be as blase about this as you imply in your post. It is their responsibility to manage their feelings about the divorce, not yours, but at 33 I was myself thrown for a loop by how upset I was by it, despite my parents' unhappiness with the marriage. What helped was their total neutrality about it and also lots of therapy for myself).
In general, I would say--be happy. And if not now, make that a goal. Life is long and you have to live it for yourself. Get the help (financial, emotional, legal) you need to get through it but remember that you still have so much of your life ahead of you. Way too much to stay unhappy. You'll feel sad, relieved, terrified, lonely, vulnerable, free, and all other kinds of emotions, maybe all at the same time. You'll get through it.
posted by stellaluna at 4:53 PM on December 9, 2014
(I would also prepare yourself for the fact that your children may not be as blase about this as you imply in your post. It is their responsibility to manage their feelings about the divorce, not yours, but at 33 I was myself thrown for a loop by how upset I was by it, despite my parents' unhappiness with the marriage. What helped was their total neutrality about it and also lots of therapy for myself).
In general, I would say--be happy. And if not now, make that a goal. Life is long and you have to live it for yourself. Get the help (financial, emotional, legal) you need to get through it but remember that you still have so much of your life ahead of you. Way too much to stay unhappy. You'll feel sad, relieved, terrified, lonely, vulnerable, free, and all other kinds of emotions, maybe all at the same time. You'll get through it.
posted by stellaluna at 4:53 PM on December 9, 2014
Best answer: My mother left my dad ten years ago, when she was 55, and it's only in the past decade that I have learned what my mom is like when she isn't miserable. It has been an absolute joy seeing her live a happy life - I know she too would tell you she's the happiest she's ever been, since getting out of that emotionally, spiritually, and financially draining relationship. Trust that relief you're feeling as real and valuable. You are never too old to be setting your life on a better path.
posted by something something at 4:59 PM on December 9, 2014 [16 favorites]
posted by something something at 4:59 PM on December 9, 2014 [16 favorites]
Response by poster: You are all so wonderful. Your advice is spot on. Thankfully we split finances years ago so that'll make it easier in that respect. Tonight he asked if I had consulted a lawyer and I said yes, which really made him angry. He'll be even angrier when he realizes I've photographed his multitudes of guns, ammo, and tools.
I am planning on seeking therapeutic help.
posted by OkTwigs at 5:44 PM on December 9, 2014 [12 favorites]
I am planning on seeking therapeutic help.
posted by OkTwigs at 5:44 PM on December 9, 2014 [12 favorites]
Whatever you don't want to lose, move to a storage facility or safe deposit box NOW. Still have your HS yearbook? It may be missing next week.
posted by Sophont at 5:50 PM on December 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Sophont at 5:50 PM on December 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Married for 38 years -- divorcing now -- how painful?
I was married for 22.5 years. The divorce was not painful. It was the loveliest part of my marriage. It was such a relief to no longer have to put up with being miserable. I felt more needy and lonely after he physically moved out, but only for about three months. After that, I discovered that most of my worst fears evaporated.
I had been a homemaker the entire time and I was very ill at the time of the divorce. The practical matter of moving on, getting a job and so on was challenging. But it was just work, not misery, compared the marriage.
I am 49. I still have personal challenges because of a very lengthy medical crisis that also had very significant financial consequences for me. In spite of the stress of that aspect, no, really, life after he left has been the best years of my life.
(((HUGS))) if you want them. Best of luck. And happy holidays.
posted by Michele in California at 5:59 PM on December 9, 2014 [4 favorites]
I was married for 22.5 years. The divorce was not painful. It was the loveliest part of my marriage. It was such a relief to no longer have to put up with being miserable. I felt more needy and lonely after he physically moved out, but only for about three months. After that, I discovered that most of my worst fears evaporated.
I had been a homemaker the entire time and I was very ill at the time of the divorce. The practical matter of moving on, getting a job and so on was challenging. But it was just work, not misery, compared the marriage.
I am 49. I still have personal challenges because of a very lengthy medical crisis that also had very significant financial consequences for me. In spite of the stress of that aspect, no, really, life after he left has been the best years of my life.
(((HUGS))) if you want them. Best of luck. And happy holidays.
posted by Michele in California at 5:59 PM on December 9, 2014 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Oh and I've moved out. Slowly trying to get settled. Of course I have lots left to move.
posted by OkTwigs at 6:03 PM on December 9, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by OkTwigs at 6:03 PM on December 9, 2014 [4 favorites]
Best answer: If he has lots of guns and ammo, don't tell him where you live.
It sounds like you've got the practical stuff together. For the rest of your life you get to do exactly as you please.
Isn't that amazing?
Good luck to you!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:27 PM on December 9, 2014 [4 favorites]
It sounds like you've got the practical stuff together. For the rest of your life you get to do exactly as you please.
Isn't that amazing?
Good luck to you!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:27 PM on December 9, 2014 [4 favorites]
I have been divorced (after 4.5 years of marriage). You are not responsible for someone else's behavior. Some things that you take as very normal are probably really... off. But they're the normal that you've created for yourself. It happens.
Our decision to split happened ON Thanksgiving. He moved out that Monday. It was hard, but I made it. Just day by day. It sucked, but it got better pretty soon. Like you, things had been going downhill for a while. The nice thing is that when you finally make those decisions, you don't have to anticipate them anymore. Sure, more decisions are ahead of you, but you're moving forward and growing in a way you need to grow, and that's good.
My parents separated for about six months immediately after their 35th anniversary. As their child, the thing that upset me was that my mom completely diminished the significance of it even as she was joking about FINDING MY DAD A NEW APARTMENT. She called it "taking a vacation from each other." I'm sure she still thinks I was mad at them for splitting up, but to be honest I was furious with my mom for not making a decision. I wished they WOULD have gotten divorced, because it would have gotten them out of their awful, awful rut. But they're still limping along.
So the moral of the story is to keep moving in a direction that is healthy and productive, and your kids will probably be pretty happy.
posted by Madamina at 6:47 PM on December 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
Our decision to split happened ON Thanksgiving. He moved out that Monday. It was hard, but I made it. Just day by day. It sucked, but it got better pretty soon. Like you, things had been going downhill for a while. The nice thing is that when you finally make those decisions, you don't have to anticipate them anymore. Sure, more decisions are ahead of you, but you're moving forward and growing in a way you need to grow, and that's good.
My parents separated for about six months immediately after their 35th anniversary. As their child, the thing that upset me was that my mom completely diminished the significance of it even as she was joking about FINDING MY DAD A NEW APARTMENT. She called it "taking a vacation from each other." I'm sure she still thinks I was mad at them for splitting up, but to be honest I was furious with my mom for not making a decision. I wished they WOULD have gotten divorced, because it would have gotten them out of their awful, awful rut. But they're still limping along.
So the moral of the story is to keep moving in a direction that is healthy and productive, and your kids will probably be pretty happy.
posted by Madamina at 6:47 PM on December 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
Parts will be really painful and parts will be great. I lived with my husband for 27 years and it was great, and then it wasn't great and then it was bad and then it was miserable. I wished I'd moved out earlier.
Congratulations for having the courage to care for yourself and discover the life you want . Best of luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 8:07 PM on December 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
Congratulations for having the courage to care for yourself and discover the life you want . Best of luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 8:07 PM on December 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
I agree that your children will find it harder to process than you expect. Even though they may well think it's a good idea. Encourage them to seek support from outside (friends, partners, etc) and you should do the same.
It will all work out in the end. Might be stressful getting there but if a relationship isn't making you better and happier then it needs to end.
posted by plonkee at 4:03 AM on December 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
It will all work out in the end. Might be stressful getting there but if a relationship isn't making you better and happier then it needs to end.
posted by plonkee at 4:03 AM on December 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
You've had great practical advice upthread. Please follow the legal advice, it's so important.
After twelve years of what started as a wonderful, loving but … somehow not quite right relationship, my partnership dissolved over a holiday weekend and we split within two weeks. Everyone was astonished. We had appeared to be the perfect couple. But suddenly my deep depression lifted; and, I felt free, and light and as if I had taken back my life.
Even though he initiated the split, he asked to come back three times; and, I refused. Then he moved into some really nasty passive aggressive behavior; so, steel yourself, perhaps, for some of that. Apparently I was taking the split a bit too well for his taste.
Friends were very supportive (I don't have family except for young nephews), I did seek therapy to help with the passive aggressive stuff, and there were ups and downs -- but the overall feeling was one of relief. I found community volunteer work to keep busy in the off hours, made some new friends, rekindled older friendships and … moved on.
You may find it to be similar for you, with the added complications of family. Be brave.
Think of being able to make your own decisions, seek your own interests, be the captain of your very own ship. It can really be exhilarating! You can give up the angst, and be happy in your own way. And, if at some point you wish to do so, perhaps even find a partner who is more agreeable.
Best of luck to you, and I wish you much happiness. It can be yours.
posted by alwayson_slightlyoff at 12:15 PM on December 10, 2014
After twelve years of what started as a wonderful, loving but … somehow not quite right relationship, my partnership dissolved over a holiday weekend and we split within two weeks. Everyone was astonished. We had appeared to be the perfect couple. But suddenly my deep depression lifted; and, I felt free, and light and as if I had taken back my life.
Even though he initiated the split, he asked to come back three times; and, I refused. Then he moved into some really nasty passive aggressive behavior; so, steel yourself, perhaps, for some of that. Apparently I was taking the split a bit too well for his taste.
Friends were very supportive (I don't have family except for young nephews), I did seek therapy to help with the passive aggressive stuff, and there were ups and downs -- but the overall feeling was one of relief. I found community volunteer work to keep busy in the off hours, made some new friends, rekindled older friendships and … moved on.
You may find it to be similar for you, with the added complications of family. Be brave.
Think of being able to make your own decisions, seek your own interests, be the captain of your very own ship. It can really be exhilarating! You can give up the angst, and be happy in your own way. And, if at some point you wish to do so, perhaps even find a partner who is more agreeable.
Best of luck to you, and I wish you much happiness. It can be yours.
posted by alwayson_slightlyoff at 12:15 PM on December 10, 2014
Best answer: From personal experience, your life will be infinitely better without the negativity of a bad relationship hanging over you. You're removing these things from your life:
* Fighting
* Dread
* Contempt
* Anger
It'll be very difficult for a while, and you'll question whether or not you were right, but you'll get there. Therapy can really help with this stage.
You'll eventually have the opportunity to replace all that negativity with friendship, fun, freedom and lots of other positive things. How could it not be better?
posted by cnc at 2:04 PM on December 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
* Fighting
* Dread
* Contempt
* Anger
It'll be very difficult for a while, and you'll question whether or not you were right, but you'll get there. Therapy can really help with this stage.
You'll eventually have the opportunity to replace all that negativity with friendship, fun, freedom and lots of other positive things. How could it not be better?
posted by cnc at 2:04 PM on December 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I just want all of you to know how much I appreciate your suggestions, stories, and kind words as I start this journey down the path to singlehood. It hasn't been an easy week. My husband sometimes seems reasonable, but at other times is out of control. He has never harmed me physically, but the emotional abuse has been a part of our marriage since the beginning. He likes to be in complete control, but I've never been one who could stand for that so that has been a point of contention.
I'm experiencing the normal highs and lows. I've shared with my coworkers my situation and they are very supportive. My grade level team is the best! My greatest sadness has come from seeing my 8 and 6 year old grandsons (who are in my building) hurting from this. When his teacher tells you he's so sad he can't do his math because papa and grandma are splitting, it just breaks your heart.
I'm seriously thinking of going to Seattle to stay with one of my kids during the second half of my Christmas break since taking care of a two year old and 3 month old do nothing but make me happy.
Divorce papers should be filed next week...
Now to get through a long weekend. Thankfully I have a few friends who are in the same boat (who have gotten in touch with me once they heard) and we're going to try and support each other through all of this.
posted by OkTwigs at 11:00 AM on December 12, 2014 [3 favorites]
I'm experiencing the normal highs and lows. I've shared with my coworkers my situation and they are very supportive. My grade level team is the best! My greatest sadness has come from seeing my 8 and 6 year old grandsons (who are in my building) hurting from this. When his teacher tells you he's so sad he can't do his math because papa and grandma are splitting, it just breaks your heart.
I'm seriously thinking of going to Seattle to stay with one of my kids during the second half of my Christmas break since taking care of a two year old and 3 month old do nothing but make me happy.
Divorce papers should be filed next week...
Now to get through a long weekend. Thankfully I have a few friends who are in the same boat (who have gotten in touch with me once they heard) and we're going to try and support each other through all of this.
posted by OkTwigs at 11:00 AM on December 12, 2014 [3 favorites]
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Specific advice: get a lawyer. Do it now. Protect yourself.
Do you have joint bank accounts or investments or suchlike? Get the statements immediately and see to it that he can't lock you out of them. Do the same for his accounts, if he has them. Give him your statements if you have your own accounts. Be honest, but be fair, and don't trust him. I'm not saying that because he's untrustworthy, but people do weird things at the end of marriages.
Talk to your kids. Keep them apprised, but keep it neutral.
Remember the good times, but don't dwell on them.
Let yourself cry if you need to. And then get to work.
posted by Etrigan at 3:25 PM on December 9, 2014 [51 favorites]