Help me soften a lot of rage, please?

December 8, 2014 2:49 AM

I want to quit my French au pair job because it's not great. I just got a call to interview for a new job in ONE week. How do I tell the parents?

So, I just got a call to interview for my dream job next Monday. The interview is in another country about five hours by trains, so I can't go there in secret. I also hate to make up lies about family emergencies because I'm a bit superstitious there. I'm still employed as an au pair in Paris, but hate it. (See previous question.) I wanted to quit anyway, but thought to hold out until the 23rd which is when I have a flight booked home for Christmas. I thought I'd just tell them I won't be coming back. Now, things have changed, of course.

Just this last weekend, the family went on a short vacation without me and left me alone in their unheated house. Yes, they turned off the heat in the bathroom, kitchen etc. ("Luckily" my room doesn't even have central heating and I can switch the small electric oven there on myself.) The children are still constantly (physically) fighting, and now the girl pretends to be sick every day as well. Frankly, I think they need a proper child care specialist instead of a new au pair girl every year. (I realise that these are not my children and that it's up to the parents to raise them, but they do make my job very difficult. I have worked with children before, a lot, actually, and these are the hardest I've ever had.) But that's all beside the point.
The point is, I hate this job. I hate my room and how I'm being treated, which is, while not atrocious, disappointing compared to other girls who tell me about going to the cinema with "their" kids, the parents actually caring for them etc.

I need to give one week's notice, which I would barely be able to do if I quit today. (I don't work Sunday anyway.) How do I quit with the least amount of pain for everyone involved? I would still have to live with these people for a week and my room doesn't lock. (I can stay or put my stuff with a friend if things get really horrible.)

The thing is, I'm terrible at confrontations. My own parents could be a bit emotionally abusive at times and I'm very subjective to gaslighting and having my feelings and valid concerns negated.
So, if for example the father tells me, "you can't quit now after I repaired those holes in your window frame!", I'm not sure if I'll be able to say "you repaired them after I had to ask three times!" When he says "but I apologised for yelling at you the other week and you said you accepted", or "we bought you that cereal you like!" (which is pretty much the only food they ever bought for me), what do I say? I don't want to yell back, and I don't want to take too much blame. I know that I'm leaving them in a big lurch, but so did they with me. If they ask "why didn't you say anything?", how do I calmy explain that I didn't think I'd have to explain to people old enough to work executive jobs and have children etc. that most people expect their windows to actually leave out the cold when closed and that it was their job to check the room before they let me stay there? That I couldn't know beforehand they'd turn off the heating, so I couldn't tell them not not? (If they deny that they turned it off, what do I say?) How can I tell them WHY I started looking for a new job in the first place without becoming too defensive or playing a game of "who's the bad guy"? Also, they would technically owe me part of my December wage, but they - presumably - paid for my train ticket for the whole year I was supposed to stay, so how would we deal with the money?

Basically, how can I avoid as much drama as I can while staying safe? I thought I'd suggest maybe only taking Monday off and then working until Christmas as planned if that helps them, but only if they don't start treating me worse.

posted by LoonyLovegood to Work & Money (23 answers total)

Best answer: It sounds as though some part of you is holding onto the idea of your final conversation with these people as some sort of grand reckoning that vindicates your side of these disagreements, shows them the error of their ways, and brings you closure after this crappy experience.

I think you need to let go of that. To the extent that they've been in the wrong, they will never believe or acknowledge that. If you've felt similarly ill-treated by your parents at times, this is not the place to replay and "fix" the scenario of you winning repentance from abusive authority figures. You're a professional, and you should handle this in a professional way: you've gotten word of another position, and you feel it would be beneficial to your career at this point to pursue it, so you'll unfortunately need to end your employment here in one week's time, in accordance with the details of your contract. You've appreciated the opportunity to work with them, and you're sorry they will need to go to the trouble of rehiring someone. (If you want to drive this home, you can do a tiny amount of internet research so you can add "... and I've put together this sheet with the numbers of several alternative au pairs/agencies who might be able to help you.") That's it. You're not their daughter, you're not their servant. They bought some of your time, you hope they liked it, now that product is unfortunately no longer available.

They may try to get personal about this, but if that happens, your best bet is to assiduously back out into safe, friendly, neutral professionalism. They fixed your window and bought you cereal? You definitely appreciated the working conditions they provided, and you'd be happy to speak to any new candidates about your experience of the position. They thought you liiiiiked them? You've enjoyed your time there, and you wish them the very best in getting to know a new au pair.
posted by Bardolph at 3:32 AM on December 8, 2014 [23 favorites]

Best answer: I'm sorry, but this job is not working for my nor for your children and I must therefore quit. I hereby inform you that I will be leaving in one week (or specify a date.) Repeat as often as necessary, without answering other questions.
posted by aroberge at 3:34 AM on December 8, 2014 [9 favorites]

Best answer: You're setting up scenarios where the family is arguing with you about a decision already made. You resign, and if they try to convince you to stay, you keep repeating "I'm sorry, I've made my decision."

You don't need to convince them you're right, you don't need to convince them your decision is justified, and you need to stop carefully tallying up details of how you've been treated poorly by these people to justify quitting. Get angry instead. These people are dreadful and you need to leave, end of story.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:34 AM on December 8, 2014 [9 favorites]

Best answer: This shouldn't be a big conversation. No point dragging up all the past stuff - you aren't asking permission to leave; you are telling them. "My last day will be Sunday, December 14th. I will be leaving at nine am (or whatever). I will need my last paycheque on Friday, December 12th. Here is a copy of my letter of resignation." And the letter just basically repeats what you just said with no extra details. Do NOT stay past Sunday, you giving notice is not going to make them treat you like a human; possibly they will treat you worse. No need to get into a big back-and-forth; just say "I found another placement." Leave the room and go into your own room and if they follow you ask them to leave. Have your things packed and ready to go and if they are mean or harassing then just grab your bags and walk out of there and go to your friend's.
posted by saucysault at 3:35 AM on December 8, 2014 [8 favorites]

The best way of avoiding drama is not to create drama. Bardolph is pretty spot-on: be professional, give them a list of possible replacements, thank them for the time you've worked with them and graciously move on.
posted by kariebookish at 3:36 AM on December 8, 2014 [5 favorites]

Best answer: You are not going to be able to reason with them, so don't even try. They don't treat you with respect already. No amount of explanations will change that. So don't be reasonable, be professional. Use one of the great conversation scripts given above. And move out as soon as possible. If you can't leave today, you should at least move out most of your things. But if you can move out today, you should.
posted by rakaidan at 3:59 AM on December 8, 2014 [3 favorites]

Response by poster: Thank you for your answers so far!
I will definitely use your ideas and try to be professional. Maybe the rest was just to ease my conscience. I somehow still feel like I'm the one who's doing something awful here...
posted by LoonyLovegood at 4:03 AM on December 8, 2014 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I somehow still feel like I'm the one who's doing something awful here...

I remember your last question about these people. I wouldn't work for anybody who made me sleep in a freezing cold room or let their brat kids mock my ethnicity. Glad to hear you finally found a way out. Feel ZERO guilt about this. Who really gives a shit if they're angry about it? They sound like jerks, so jerk behavior is a probability. They may even tell you you're screwing them over. Who cares? They don't treat you with respect so they in turn deserve none.

However, agreeing with everyone else to stay calm, professional, and don't react to their reaction. Don't overexplain or apologize. Just say whatever version of "I'm outta here" gets you outta there and be on your way.
posted by futureisunwritten at 5:16 AM on December 8, 2014 [9 favorites]

Best answer: I somehow still feel like I'm the one who's doing something awful here...

Because you're in a sick system, and this is how they need you to feel to keep you around.

You are fine. They are horrible. Seriously, even pre-ghost-visit Ebeneezer Scrooge paid for heat (albeit too little).

Don't engage with anything they try -- "I'm sorry, that won't be possible." Their problems are no longer your problem. You are a bird, soaring high in the sky above them. You are leaving them behind.
posted by pie ninja at 5:24 AM on December 8, 2014 [10 favorites]

Best answer: If they have to hire a new au pair every year (or more frequently!), then they're used to having people quit on them, and they won't be demanding you stay. Feel no guilt: people leave all sorts of jobs all the time, for all sorts of reasons. (And I stand by my previous advice: get your stuff out of there now, BEFORE you give notice.)
posted by easily confused at 5:46 AM on December 8, 2014 [2 favorites]

Best answer: They left you for a week with no heat, and it's winter? Why bother to give a week's notice? (Assuming you're not looking for a career as an au pair or relying on a reference from them down the line, of course.)

The biggest logistical challenge, to me, isn't how to give notice (screw them, give notice in whatever way works for you), but covering your ass in case you don't get this new job. Which means finding a convenient excuse to leave town for the interview that is not "I have a job interview for a position that starts ASAP".

Here are your options, as I see them:

- Tell them you need to go away for a couple days to see a friend. Make it as urgent as possible without claiming a family emergency or a health problem. Say your lifelong best friend is coming to Europe, but unfortunately it's [Berlin] and not Paris, but you MUST see her, because duh, so you need a couple days to go to [Berlin]. Replace with parent, beloved uncle, fiance, whatever, as needed to make them give you the time off.

- Tell them it's an interview, but that it's an interview for a job that would start much later than "welp consider this my notice I guess." Say you're applying to grad school, or have an informational interview with a company looking to hire you after your au pair term is up.

- Invent some other kind of not-entirely-a-lie reason you are leaving town for a couple days.

- Just tell them you'll be taking a couple personal days, and don't go into specifics.

As for how to give notice, after you actually get the job? "I've found another job, so I'm going to be leaving as of [date]." The end. Re the money thing, I would just tell them what you think is fair. If they say no, you probably have no real recourse, anyway. Don't ask for the moon, but you should be paid for time you've actually worked.

Keep in mind that, if they didn't like you, they'd fire you in a heartbeat without worrying about any of this. Shit, they'd probably interview your replacement right in front of you without elaborate lies about needing to leave town because grad school.
posted by Sara C. at 6:50 AM on December 8, 2014 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Oh, and you should expect them to "not require your services" pretty much the instant you give notice. I've left a job where I was working informally one-on-one in someone's home, and when that job ended, it ended. There was no two week's notice, transition period, stay till they find someone else, train the new hire, whatever. It was just "OK then I guess you can go." And this happened at 9 AM on a work day, when there was plenty to do.

Have a place to sleep that night lined up. And I like the idea of getting your stuff packed beforehand.
posted by Sara C. at 6:55 AM on December 8, 2014 [4 favorites]

Best answer: As others have said, it's not a debate, it's an announcement. You are announcing you are leaving. They should not argue with you, but if they do, you don't have to respond. Just announce that you are leaving.

Conscientious people tend to feel guilty about leaving jobs, even when they're doing everything the "right" way. It's very helpful to recognize that that feeling of guilt is a normal part of leaving a job and not a sign that you're doing something wrong, because otherwise that guilt can convince you to stay in jobs that aren't good for you or let employers manipulate you into staying in jobs that aren't good for you.
posted by jaguar at 7:24 AM on December 8, 2014 [4 favorites]

Best answer: Yes, be prepared to leave, but make sure that your departure is discussed out loud and not just in your head. They may expect you to stay. You may stay and then realize you have to go anyway because they're too awful.

Whatever it is they do, you need to remember that even though childcare is emotional work it's still just a job and leaving jobs is natural and normal and *supposed* to be simply a transaction. Like jaguar just said, you're just making an announcement, same as if you had been accepted to university or diagnosed with cancer or appointed ambassador of Bolivia. It is not a confrontation, and you should not make it one by trying to fix 80 years of collective madness in one conversation. Not your business, not your problem.

If you are unhappy or frightened with how they take it, that's their problem, go get your stuff and leave.

You have Stockholm Syndrome at this point, and you should consider yourself a questionable influence on your own decision-making. If you need to pretend the police are outside talking you through your own resignation, do that.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:30 AM on December 8, 2014 [3 favorites]

Adding to Sara C's comment - bear in mind that it is just an interview, not a hiring session, and do have a backup plan. Sometimes interviews are granted just to fill up a quota, or at some 3d person's request, and sometimes they fall in love with that some other candidate. You sound like a great candidate, but plan around the unexpected.
posted by mmiddle at 7:56 AM on December 8, 2014 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: I do have a second job opportunity lined up and even if not really do not want to stay here anymore. Thank you for your concern!
posted by LoonyLovegood at 7:59 AM on December 8, 2014 [1 favorite]

Best answer: You don't need (and probably shouldn't bother) to tell them why you started looking for a new job. People who treat their employees (especially the people they pay to care for their kids) as these people have treated you are not going to be receptive to or interested in your reasons. There is no way they'd ever react like, "Oh, it was a problem that we turned the heat off in the house where you live when we went on vacation? We had no idea that was an inconsiderate thing to do." The good news is that you can quit without giving a reason other than a vague "It's time for me to move on."

So, you might respond to their objections like this:

Father: "you can't quit now after I repaired those holes in your window frame!"
You: "I appreciate that you did that. I still need to give you notice that I am leaving."

Father: "but I apologised for yelling at you the other week and you said you accepted"
You: "I appreciate that you did that. I still need to give you notice that I am leaving."

And so on.

You don't need to truly feel grateful that they did very basic things like provide for your physical survival and apologize for yelling. You just need to make it clear that manipulative objections to your leaving won't be effective. Frankly, even if they were wonderful employers with delightful kids, you might find a more appealing job opportunity and need to leave. When an employee gives notice, responsible and reasonable employers might ask, "Is there anything we can do to persuade you to stay?" and offer to negotiate a higher salary, more vacation time, etc.

In other words, this doesn't need to be a confrontation ("You wronged me and here is the consequence"). Rather, it needs to be an employee giving notice to her employers ("X will be my last day here"). That said, it may be really frustrating to think of it in those terms given the ways they really did treat you poorly--it might seem more appealing in some ways to make it a confrontation, even though that's unlikely to get you an outcome you want.
posted by Meg_Murry at 8:24 AM on December 8, 2014 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I would not trust them to behave well once you announce you're leaving. Can you move all your belongings now and stay with someone else immediately? Are they mostly all paid up in terms of your wages? I'd announce that you're leaving and vacate immediately. You can choose to come back for 8 hrs a day for the last week if you choose, but you don't owe much consideration to people who have treated you so very poorly. I would have suggested the same based on your last question and now that they've also left you in an unheated house in winter while vacationing means they see you as sub-human. People like that haven't earned civilized courtesies and also can't be trusted to act well once they know you're leaving. Good luck.
posted by quince at 8:53 AM on December 8, 2014 [3 favorites]

Best answer: Lyn Never times a million. I can imagine that residing with a family, being immersed in their atmosphere and subject to their rules might be confusing - they've controlled most aspects of your environment and time, they've been unpleasant, abusive - it sounds like family of origin issues are shading into this as well, and that the net effect is that you feel disempowered and lost.

What you must tell yourself is that you are a free and autonomous person who's agreed to exchange your time and labour for a room and pay. This agreement no longer suits you, so you are ending it.

I would give notice and leave immediately to stay with friends - you have that resource, use it.

Guard against a similar erosion of boundaries happening in your next role. (But exploitation of au pairs is depressingly common. I really wonder if this line of work is healthy for you at all. Could you try to find a job as a server? At least you could leave at the end of the day. You could maybe try to share an apartment with other travellers.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 9:16 AM on December 8, 2014

I agree with all the excellent advice to keep this professional and succinct and not to share any personal information about yourself or your job prospects.

That said, I worry for you if you need them for a reference, particularly if you give them less than a week's notice.

And I do think they'll flip their lids when you give them less than a week's notice - they're going to be scrambling for childcare and everything else you do - but I don't see how that can be avoided.
posted by semacd at 9:19 AM on December 8, 2014

Best answer: If you loved them and the children, and they treated you reasonably well, but then your dream job opportunity came up suddenly, you would still be perfectly within your rights to give your contractually-arranged one-week's notice. You could do so warmly and with regrets. You might try to help soften the blow by explaining what the new opportunity offered that they, with their busy schedules, high utility bills, and drafty house, could not. Of course they would understand that the opportunity is too good for you to pass up, tears would be shed, and regrets and warm wishes would be conveyed. Even the gentle-hearted lady of the house might, while wishing you the best, have a small lapse and say something tense to you, but she'd recover her senses quickly, apologize profusely, and tearfully explain that she lost herself for a moment because she's just so sad to see you go.

Perhaps it would help you to imagine the above scenario. If your employers behave differently, well, that's on them.

I do feel for the kids. I don't know what you can do to help them.
posted by amtho at 10:07 AM on December 8, 2014

Response by poster: I did it. I told the father (the mother wasn't home) I'd be leaving and he got pretty mad (though he didn't yell.) He said they never turned off the heat and tried to discuss everything with me and did everything they could for me, and that my leaving would be a big problem for them. (Although he did apparently know I wasn't happy. Ever wonder why?)
He also gave me some "friendly advice" for my new job, which was not to do what I did to them again. I had to bite my tongue to not give HIM some advice for his next au pair.
Now I told them I'd need Monday off and will leave for good as planned on the 23rd. If there is the slightest hint of mistreatment, I am out to my friend's house.

Thank you, everyone, for your advise! It really helped me not to get into a fight with him.
posted by LoonyLovegood at 11:58 AM on December 8, 2014 [24 favorites]

Good job! Well done!
posted by small_ruminant at 2:05 PM on December 8, 2014 [1 favorite]