is it reasonable to suspect my boyfriend of underhanded deeds?
November 23, 2014 1:18 PM Subscribe
Cheating or runaway imagination?
My boyfriend and I recently got back together after a long break-up. We don't live together, but he just spent over three weeks at my house. He went to visit a friend in Chicago (he is a seasonal worker and is now off.) Before he left, we made plans to spend Christmas together.
When he got to Chicago, he was calling me as he normally does. As the week went on, his contact dwindled and any text I got felt pretty perfunctory. I called him a few times and he didn't answer. When I did talk to him, he said it was just loud, he was having fun, he didn't have privacy because he was staying with his friend and his friend's wife. We had another conversation awhile later and I voiced my rising concerns about his distance. He said I had nothing to worry about, he loved me. During that same talk, I asked wasn't it cramped with the three of them in his friend's house? He said it was, but they liked it that way. He said he offered to get a hotel room but his friend wouldn't hear of it.
His behavior was uncharacteristic. He had given me access to his email (I hadn't asked, it was for the purpose of helping him clean it out. He isn't tech savvy.) I checked his email at that point and found a hotel receipt for 2 adults for 2 nights in Chicago.
I texted him asking about it and didn't get a call back. He'd said he was going camping and it wasn't easy to get service, but he had called me from the campsite (that call was the second one I described above.) I texted him a few more times (rather emotionally, I'm afraid) and I haven't heard from him in two days.
I guess...what I'm asking for is support. It seems like this is a cheating scenario, does it not? Am I being unreasonable with my misery? I keep checking the phone and I have, in fact, called him an unreasonable amount of times (never an answer.) It feels like torture waiting for him to call and I keep imagining the most awful things. What should I do?
My boyfriend and I recently got back together after a long break-up. We don't live together, but he just spent over three weeks at my house. He went to visit a friend in Chicago (he is a seasonal worker and is now off.) Before he left, we made plans to spend Christmas together.
When he got to Chicago, he was calling me as he normally does. As the week went on, his contact dwindled and any text I got felt pretty perfunctory. I called him a few times and he didn't answer. When I did talk to him, he said it was just loud, he was having fun, he didn't have privacy because he was staying with his friend and his friend's wife. We had another conversation awhile later and I voiced my rising concerns about his distance. He said I had nothing to worry about, he loved me. During that same talk, I asked wasn't it cramped with the three of them in his friend's house? He said it was, but they liked it that way. He said he offered to get a hotel room but his friend wouldn't hear of it.
His behavior was uncharacteristic. He had given me access to his email (I hadn't asked, it was for the purpose of helping him clean it out. He isn't tech savvy.) I checked his email at that point and found a hotel receipt for 2 adults for 2 nights in Chicago.
I texted him asking about it and didn't get a call back. He'd said he was going camping and it wasn't easy to get service, but he had called me from the campsite (that call was the second one I described above.) I texted him a few more times (rather emotionally, I'm afraid) and I haven't heard from him in two days.
I guess...what I'm asking for is support. It seems like this is a cheating scenario, does it not? Am I being unreasonable with my misery? I keep checking the phone and I have, in fact, called him an unreasonable amount of times (never an answer.) It feels like torture waiting for him to call and I keep imagining the most awful things. What should I do?
There is no way in hell anyone was going camping near Chicago recently. We had single digit weather for a few days. Your boyfriend is a liar.
posted by deathpanels at 1:22 PM on November 23, 2014 [59 favorites]
posted by deathpanels at 1:22 PM on November 23, 2014 [59 favorites]
So...what are you doing logging into your boyfriend's email to snoop? Of course you're seeing stuff you don't want to see.
It sounds like the relationship is over and you're just trying to confirm your suspicions. It sounds like there's no trust here, and it's time to move on.
posted by mynameisluka at 1:23 PM on November 23, 2014 [5 favorites]
It sounds like the relationship is over and you're just trying to confirm your suspicions. It sounds like there's no trust here, and it's time to move on.
posted by mynameisluka at 1:23 PM on November 23, 2014 [5 favorites]
I think you know what your gut is telling you, please listen to it.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 1:24 PM on November 23, 2014 [11 favorites]
posted by MaryDellamorte at 1:24 PM on November 23, 2014 [11 favorites]
Yes, it seems like a cheating scenario.
posted by fivesavagepalms at 1:26 PM on November 23, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by fivesavagepalms at 1:26 PM on November 23, 2014 [3 favorites]
I am sorry, I know this is difficult. What would you advise a friend in the same situation? I would stop calling and try and focus on something else. It does not seem very honorable to me, and I think you may want to move on.
posted by cheetahchick at 1:27 PM on November 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by cheetahchick at 1:27 PM on November 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
He's not being honest with you and you know it, and that's a very painful and difficult thing to come to terms with. I'm so sorry about that.
Trust yourself and your feelings and your gut.
Does it even matter if he is cheating? He's not being honest. He's lying. He isn't treating you with respect or love or honesty or like a person he cares for. No matter what the reason for lying, the fact is that he is doing it and that's not acceptable.
Try to occupy yourself with YOU right now. YOU. Don't worry about him and what he's doing and if and when he will call. Take care of you. Have a good dinner and read a book or watch a movie or call a friend and go out for a hot chocolate and get a good night of sleep and go to work tomorrow. Take care of yourself.
And dump this guy. You don't deserve to be treated like this. Treat yourself nicely right now. Someone should be doing that, and it sure as hell ain't him doing it.
posted by sockermom at 1:27 PM on November 23, 2014 [27 favorites]
Trust yourself and your feelings and your gut.
Does it even matter if he is cheating? He's not being honest. He's lying. He isn't treating you with respect or love or honesty or like a person he cares for. No matter what the reason for lying, the fact is that he is doing it and that's not acceptable.
Try to occupy yourself with YOU right now. YOU. Don't worry about him and what he's doing and if and when he will call. Take care of you. Have a good dinner and read a book or watch a movie or call a friend and go out for a hot chocolate and get a good night of sleep and go to work tomorrow. Take care of yourself.
And dump this guy. You don't deserve to be treated like this. Treat yourself nicely right now. Someone should be doing that, and it sure as hell ain't him doing it.
posted by sockermom at 1:27 PM on November 23, 2014 [27 favorites]
It feels like torture waiting for him to call and I keep imagining the most awful things.
From personal, painful experience, I really encourage you to redirect your anxiety as much as possible. Take a bubble bath, watch some Netflix, go for a walk. Calling him 20 times will not have any better results than calling him twice, even if he isn't cheating. Turn your phone off for awhile; if something terrible has happened to him, he can call 911.
posted by desjardins at 1:36 PM on November 23, 2014 [35 favorites]
From personal, painful experience, I really encourage you to redirect your anxiety as much as possible. Take a bubble bath, watch some Netflix, go for a walk. Calling him 20 times will not have any better results than calling him twice, even if he isn't cheating. Turn your phone off for awhile; if something terrible has happened to him, he can call 911.
posted by desjardins at 1:36 PM on November 23, 2014 [35 favorites]
I really agree with desjardins above. If you decide to go out with some friends to get your mind off of this though, don't talk about it. Get out of the ruminating despair/anxiety/horribleness spiral and just think about anything else.
And yeah, turn your phone off or even leave it at home so you're FORCED not to text him.
I've been there. *hug*
posted by checkitnice at 1:44 PM on November 23, 2014 [2 favorites]
And yeah, turn your phone off or even leave it at home so you're FORCED not to text him.
I've been there. *hug*
posted by checkitnice at 1:44 PM on November 23, 2014 [2 favorites]
There is no way in hell anyone was going camping near Chicago recently. We had single digit weather for a few days. Your boyfriend is a liar.
He may well be lying in part or in whole, but, there are lots of people who camp in the winter and in damn cold winter.
posted by edgeways at 1:45 PM on November 23, 2014 [4 favorites]
He may well be lying in part or in whole, but, there are lots of people who camp in the winter and in damn cold winter.
posted by edgeways at 1:45 PM on November 23, 2014 [4 favorites]
What dates were on the receipt? That is to say, was it for a stay in Chicago that coincided with the time he's spending there, or for the future, or what?
If it's for the future: Take a deep breath and do whatever you can to put it out of your mind. Ask him about it when he gets back. Take your cues from how that conversation goes.
If it's for any other time: He's cheating on you. I'm so sorry.
In any event, what you should do is, as above, do whatever you can to distract yourself and (if the hotel stay is not in the future) be prepared for a breakup conversation when he gets back. In the meantime, stop texting him or calling him or trying to get in touch in any way. If he didn't call you back after one call, he's not going to call back after ten. You're only stressing yourself out unnecessarily.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 2:17 PM on November 23, 2014 [3 favorites]
If it's for the future: Take a deep breath and do whatever you can to put it out of your mind. Ask him about it when he gets back. Take your cues from how that conversation goes.
If it's for any other time: He's cheating on you. I'm so sorry.
In any event, what you should do is, as above, do whatever you can to distract yourself and (if the hotel stay is not in the future) be prepared for a breakup conversation when he gets back. In the meantime, stop texting him or calling him or trying to get in touch in any way. If he didn't call you back after one call, he's not going to call back after ten. You're only stressing yourself out unnecessarily.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 2:17 PM on November 23, 2014 [3 favorites]
If you're just recently back together again, shouldn't he be delighted about this and focussing on making you feel like the most desired person in the world?
He's doing the exact opposite. In the honeymoon phase. You should break up because his behaviour will make you feel unloved, insecure and disrespected, always. Be good to yourself, dump him.
posted by Omnomnom at 2:29 PM on November 23, 2014 [15 favorites]
He's doing the exact opposite. In the honeymoon phase. You should break up because his behaviour will make you feel unloved, insecure and disrespected, always. Be good to yourself, dump him.
posted by Omnomnom at 2:29 PM on November 23, 2014 [15 favorites]
i think there's no way of knowing what happened here. it could be cheating, it could be that was what room was available and he had it so his friends could have some privacy.
the thing is, this isn't about the potential cheating, this is about lying(and/or lying through omission), trust, and communication.
the cheating thing, is if anything, almost burying the lede.
i'd give him one chance to directly answer a question of what was going on, and then fuck it. And i'd bet you anything you're going to get some deflecting and/or completely vague and flaccid answer.
I'm kind of repeating myself, but cheating is but one of a million possibilities here. The real problem is lack of communication and potentially lying. There's a difference between lying and just not telling you what's going on, but he's being a huge cock by not communicating with you effectively after you'd just gotten back together when he should if anything be on his best behavior.
On preview, Omnomnom covered pretty much exactly what i was closing up with.
posted by emptythought at 2:31 PM on November 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
the thing is, this isn't about the potential cheating, this is about lying(and/or lying through omission), trust, and communication.
the cheating thing, is if anything, almost burying the lede.
i'd give him one chance to directly answer a question of what was going on, and then fuck it. And i'd bet you anything you're going to get some deflecting and/or completely vague and flaccid answer.
I'm kind of repeating myself, but cheating is but one of a million possibilities here. The real problem is lack of communication and potentially lying. There's a difference between lying and just not telling you what's going on, but he's being a huge cock by not communicating with you effectively after you'd just gotten back together when he should if anything be on his best behavior.
On preview, Omnomnom covered pretty much exactly what i was closing up with.
posted by emptythought at 2:31 PM on November 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
Trust your gut on this one. A guy who is super into you and who loves you would call to check in at least once a day. The rest of it....you skipped to the end of the chapter with the email snoop, but you and I both know it's over.
There were a lot of problems before he left, and now he's abused your love and trust.
Block him on your phone, defriend him on social media. If you gave him a key to your place, change the locks.
Go through the house and if there's anything of his in it, bag/box it up, and call a friend of his in your area and see if he/she can come get it.
Have no more to do with this guy. Even if he isn't cheating (and I doubt that's the case) he's not being honest or good to you, and frankly if you have suspicions, that means that your break up with him the first time was the right thing to do.
A man who loves you and who cherishes you would not put you through this. Please remember this. Call your friends and toast your new single status. Keep busy through the holidays, it's going to be rough.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:37 PM on November 23, 2014 [8 favorites]
There were a lot of problems before he left, and now he's abused your love and trust.
Block him on your phone, defriend him on social media. If you gave him a key to your place, change the locks.
Go through the house and if there's anything of his in it, bag/box it up, and call a friend of his in your area and see if he/she can come get it.
Have no more to do with this guy. Even if he isn't cheating (and I doubt that's the case) he's not being honest or good to you, and frankly if you have suspicions, that means that your break up with him the first time was the right thing to do.
A man who loves you and who cherishes you would not put you through this. Please remember this. Call your friends and toast your new single status. Keep busy through the holidays, it's going to be rough.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:37 PM on November 23, 2014 [8 favorites]
Text him, tell him it's over. Block him from all social media, deliver whatever you've got of his to his door and wash your hands of him. 99% likely he's cheating on you and the other 1% just means he's a liar, so either way it's over. I'm really sorry but I would accept it now rather than wait for the excuses and fighting. You'll feel a lot better pulling the plug yourself rather than waiting for him to do it. I can't think of any scenario he could give you that could make reasonable sense of what you've told us. This sucks, take care of yourself.
posted by Jubey at 3:05 PM on November 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Jubey at 3:05 PM on November 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
That three weeks was you being used, not you two being back together.
Move on, and don't let him back into your life.
posted by stormyteal at 3:13 PM on November 23, 2014 [4 favorites]
Move on, and don't let him back into your life.
posted by stormyteal at 3:13 PM on November 23, 2014 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: This may be splitting hairs, but the receipts were for current dates. He is an extreme cold weather camper, so that didn't raise any warnings.
Thanks for the advice, everyone. I'm taking it to heart.
posted by amodelcitizen at 3:27 PM on November 23, 2014
Thanks for the advice, everyone. I'm taking it to heart.
posted by amodelcitizen at 3:27 PM on November 23, 2014
This may be splitting hairs, but the receipts were for current dates.
It's not splitting hairs - it's kind of crucial. I am now fairly certain he's cheating on you.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 3:35 PM on November 23, 2014 [5 favorites]
It's not splitting hairs - it's kind of crucial. I am now fairly certain he's cheating on you.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 3:35 PM on November 23, 2014 [5 favorites]
I texted him a few more times (rather emotionally, I'm afraid) and I haven't heard from him in two days.
People who want to be with you flat out don't do this kind of shit to you. What you're describing is awful. He sucks. I'm sorry. No, you're not misinterpreting it. Close the door, block him from social media, buy a few outfits of truly awesome clothes and go do what you can to enjoy the holidays.
You didn't do anything wrong, there is nothing wrong with you, it sucks, it's not fair, it's just the way it goes sometimes: it's just the way it goes.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 3:45 PM on November 23, 2014 [11 favorites]
People who want to be with you flat out don't do this kind of shit to you. What you're describing is awful. He sucks. I'm sorry. No, you're not misinterpreting it. Close the door, block him from social media, buy a few outfits of truly awesome clothes and go do what you can to enjoy the holidays.
You didn't do anything wrong, there is nothing wrong with you, it sucks, it's not fair, it's just the way it goes sometimes: it's just the way it goes.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 3:45 PM on November 23, 2014 [11 favorites]
This scenario happened to me and it turned out the guy was in the process of breaking up with someone else but had planned something with that person and went ahead with it and lied to me about it. I figured that out only later and now think that other person did not know they were breaking up until the trip or even for some time after it. This turned out to be a kind of bargain-basement behavior that was typical of this guy; he was so uncomfortable not being in a relationship that they always overlapped with him and he was always lying to someone. This may not be it with your guy but it sounds eerily similar.
posted by BibiRose at 4:05 PM on November 23, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by BibiRose at 4:05 PM on November 23, 2014 [3 favorites]
He had a hotel room with *someone* in Chicago at the same time he was telling you he was not staying in a hotel.
I think it'd take a runaway imagination to think of possibilities that don't involve cheating (there certainly are some, but cheating is by far the most likely).
posted by treehorn+bunny at 4:57 PM on November 23, 2014 [12 favorites]
I think it'd take a runaway imagination to think of possibilities that don't involve cheating (there certainly are some, but cheating is by far the most likely).
posted by treehorn+bunny at 4:57 PM on November 23, 2014 [12 favorites]
Also, you sent him texts and voicemails for the past two days saying you're very worried about him and being very emotional, and he hasn't responded, even with just a text message. Unless he's frozen in a ditch somewhere, that's pretty poor behavior regardless of anything else.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 6:14 PM on November 23, 2014 [16 favorites]
posted by treehorn+bunny at 6:14 PM on November 23, 2014 [16 favorites]
has it occurred to you that your ex needed a place to stay for three weeks before his plans in chicago? this guy isn't giving you the relationship you deserve. i'm sorry he is behaving so poorly towards you.
posted by nadawi at 6:45 PM on November 23, 2014 [7 favorites]
posted by nadawi at 6:45 PM on November 23, 2014 [7 favorites]
I think you should trust you instinct. If you feel like something is not right, it's not right. A person who loves you and cares about you would make time to call you, even if he was having fun, or was in a loud, crowded place.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I've been through something similar and it's awful. Please trust your gut. I did and I was right.
posted by Lingasol at 6:55 PM on November 23, 2014
I'm sorry you're going through this. I've been through something similar and it's awful. Please trust your gut. I did and I was right.
posted by Lingasol at 6:55 PM on November 23, 2014
i'd give him one chance to directly answer a question of what was going on, and then fuck it.
He could have been honest with you at any time and it would have been appropriate to excuse himself from his friends for ten minutes to call you and be clear about what was up one way or another. He's chosen to behave like this this despite knowing that you expect contact and are upset about not getting it.
My best advice for you is to treat this like it's already over. Call your friends and engage in post breakup activities. If he calls, don't answer.
posted by bile and syntax at 7:49 PM on November 23, 2014 [2 favorites]
He could have been honest with you at any time and it would have been appropriate to excuse himself from his friends for ten minutes to call you and be clear about what was up one way or another. He's chosen to behave like this this despite knowing that you expect contact and are upset about not getting it.
My best advice for you is to treat this like it's already over. Call your friends and engage in post breakup activities. If he calls, don't answer.
posted by bile and syntax at 7:49 PM on November 23, 2014 [2 favorites]
I'd be kind of amazed if he isn't cheating. At the very least, he is treating you like crap. You've given him many chances to explain, and he hasn't even tried. Do yourself a huge favor and dump him.
For the people saying she was snooping: she said he'd given her access to "clean up" his email. I don't know what that entails, but it sounds like she wasn't doing anything he didn't agree to.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 8:03 PM on November 23, 2014 [3 favorites]
For the people saying she was snooping: she said he'd given her access to "clean up" his email. I don't know what that entails, but it sounds like she wasn't doing anything he didn't agree to.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 8:03 PM on November 23, 2014 [3 favorites]
A guy who is super into you and who loves you would call to check in at least once a day.
Eh, I don't know about that. I've gone whole days without talking to my SO while traveling before. Usually, we'll call or Skype or gchat or something, but there have been days when we didn't communicate, except maybe a brief text exchange. Some people (me) don't like talking on the phone.
That said....
1) You've tried to contact him repeatedly and he hasn't responded in two days, at least? This is not something that people in committed relationships do.
2) The hotel thing is really shady. Cheating is the most-obvious conclusion, but even if it isn't that...it's shady.
posted by breakin' the law at 8:19 AM on November 24, 2014
Eh, I don't know about that. I've gone whole days without talking to my SO while traveling before. Usually, we'll call or Skype or gchat or something, but there have been days when we didn't communicate, except maybe a brief text exchange. Some people (me) don't like talking on the phone.
That said....
1) You've tried to contact him repeatedly and he hasn't responded in two days, at least? This is not something that people in committed relationships do.
2) The hotel thing is really shady. Cheating is the most-obvious conclusion, but even if it isn't that...it's shady.
posted by breakin' the law at 8:19 AM on November 24, 2014
The hotel room doesn't sound like as big a red flag to me as it does to many other commenters. He *did* say he offered to get a hotel room and his friend wouldn't hear of it. That may well mean that he in fact went as far as making a reservation, which is certainly something I might do if I didn't want to put pressure on local friends to put me up.
He may have even paid for it, started his stay, and then had friends insist they'd rather have him at their place (and if a reservation is non-refundable, just let the sunk cost slide, also something I've done without cheating on anyone).
And the "two people" thing -- that's the default for most online reservation systems. You'll get that if you don't change anything.
In other words, this is (potentially) consistent with his story.
That doesn't change the fact that you feel uncomfortable and neglected. I'd put more stock in that and the changing contact patterns than in a hotel receipt in the inbox of someone who is actually traveling at the moment.
posted by weston at 9:11 AM on November 24, 2014 [3 favorites]
He may have even paid for it, started his stay, and then had friends insist they'd rather have him at their place (and if a reservation is non-refundable, just let the sunk cost slide, also something I've done without cheating on anyone).
And the "two people" thing -- that's the default for most online reservation systems. You'll get that if you don't change anything.
In other words, this is (potentially) consistent with his story.
That doesn't change the fact that you feel uncomfortable and neglected. I'd put more stock in that and the changing contact patterns than in a hotel receipt in the inbox of someone who is actually traveling at the moment.
posted by weston at 9:11 AM on November 24, 2014 [3 favorites]
I agree with weston's last paragraph. The hotel issue sounds sketchy, but regardless of whether he's cheating on you, he isn't treating you as you deserve to be treated. It's one thing not to have to talk every day, but deliberately withholding communication is for chumps. DTMFA.
posted by Gelatin at 10:12 AM on November 24, 2014
posted by Gelatin at 10:12 AM on November 24, 2014
Response by poster: This is sad, but I actually called the hotel. They sent me an itemized receipt for his stay. He did stay there. I also looked at the website and the default was for one adult guest. In the meantime, he got another receipt for a hotel in a different city. He is up to some strange business, I guess. I switched off my phone and am trying to be interested in something other than being comatose. Slow going.
posted by amodelcitizen at 1:06 PM on November 24, 2014 [10 favorites]
posted by amodelcitizen at 1:06 PM on November 24, 2014 [10 favorites]
Yeah, it's over. It's been what, three days now and no contact from him despite desperate calls and now he's in another city and hasn't even bothered telling you? He knows you're onto him and has gone no contact. Don't switch off your phone, you're going to want to use it as some point. Just block his number and start dating again. You could dump him but it seems like it's already happened, it's just a case of who dumped who first. Forget his name, forget his number, burn his stuff. He's dead to you, the details at this point don't matter. Go get a massage and grab some girlfriends and distract yourself. So sorry this has happened to you.
posted by Jubey at 8:14 PM on November 24, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 8:14 PM on November 24, 2014 [4 favorites]
So did he ever re-surface? What was the resolution to this mystery?
posted by DarlingBri at 3:22 PM on November 30, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 3:22 PM on November 30, 2014 [5 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Stop calling him. Regardless of what went on in that hotel room, he lied to you.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:22 PM on November 23, 2014 [41 favorites]