Help me be myself in the world of dating.

November 21, 2014 11:34 AM

How do I feel more confident about myself?

Basically, I'm not at an ideal place in life. I feel I should be making more money at this point in my life (I'm 28), and I've made financial mistakes in the past that I'm paying for now (debt, living at home). The past year or so, I've been working hard to fix it. It's been a long and hard road so far but I'm making progress. I've been doing the whole (saving money, therapy, exercise) thing - and I'm definitely a more confident person than I have been in the past.

So I signed up for an online dating website. I'm not too serious about it and I went on a few casual and fun dates. Recently, I met someone on there that I've begun to like a lot. It has the potential of becoming serious but we're still keeping it casual and fun. Taking our time.

But ever since I've started seeing potential in us, I've started becoming more anxious about her finding about my current money situation. I'm ashamed about it and I feel if she were to hear about it, she'd lose interest in me. She already knows I live at home. I feel like I'm pressured to be financially stable and to have my life perfectly together for someone to consider having a serious relationship with me. We could click emotionally but if I'm still struggling to make ends meet, that'd be a deal breaker. I understand the place I'm in right now, and I'm determined to change it. But I'm just afraid that people will judge me and think less of me.

I know people have different standards, and I'm not trying to vilify anyone. If this one woman I'm dating happens to decide that she doesn't see a future with me based on my current situation, I'd accept it. I'd just like to be reminded that there are people out there who would accept me. It definitely feels like the world can be incredibly superficial sometimes. I'm trying to be more positive.

How do I feel more confident about all of this? Or not worry about it so much?

Thank you in advance.

posted by morning_television to Human Relations (12 answers total)

Fake it.

No, really. There's the phrase "fake it til you make it" and it has worked for me in the past. I'm a big bundle of anxiety and self-loathing a lot of the time, and no one wants to hang around with that, much less date that. Your misery ends up becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.

So instead, pretend you're confident. Definitely pretend to her, but be willing to self-deceive yourself a bit. This doesn't mean to lie about your material situation. She already knows you live at home (and lot's of people do, because the economy is shit). The exact state of your finances isn't her business right now. Splitting the check is fine, be prepared to pay your share. If you're going on dates that are too expensive, try to steer it to cheaper dates.

Don't lie. If it comes up (and why should it), be honest. Say hey, I had a rough patch but I'm working on it, I'm fixing it, and things are improving. Be confident in your presentation, be confident that things are improving. Because you are.

But most of all, pretend to be confident. Because it helps, it really does. For me, being in a relationship boosts my confidence, it's a virtuous circle instead of a viscous one. I actually become less needy and codependent in a relationship, more confident that there are people that care about me, and so on.

It's not a cure-all, and maybe you have underlying issues that therapy can help with, or just generally work through it. But don't get bogged down in unhappiness, because that's a swamp that breeds even worse things. Some bad shit happened. Maybe you made some mistakes, and given the state of the world economy I'm betting some mistakes were made at you by the economy. You've had some setbacks, but you're still young (I'm 30), and you're making progress towards fixing it. That in itself is something to be proud of, to draw confidence from.
posted by X-Himy at 11:45 AM on November 21, 2014 [1 favorite]

Everyone is working on improving themselves somehow, with varying degrees of visibility.

Focus on what you can control (the progress you can make) and remember that those who judge you for the situation you're in (whatever that situation may be) are not worth your time.

And honestly, I'd rather be involved with someone with flaws and struggles than someone who seems to be completely together at all times. There can be a sweetness with vulnerability but that might be for when things get more serious.
posted by Twicketface at 11:54 AM on November 21, 2014 [4 favorites]

Well, you're certainly not alone. Many (most?) people our age are in debt one way or another. It's not really her business at this point- I think right now the main thing is to be stable if possible, and NOT go into more debt trying to pretend you have more money than you do.

For me, if a guy tells me he lives pretty simply and wants to do fun things that are also easy on the pocketbook, that's fine. If he's constantly buying stupid stuff but also can't pay to get his car fixed, that's less fine. Of course, this will depend in the lady in question.
posted by geegollygosh at 11:55 AM on November 21, 2014

A lot of really awesome people reallllly don't care about the financial status of people they're dating. If they do care, even just a little bit, but also see a future with you, they will also envision the two of you growing together... achieving dreams, comfort, all of it, with one another's support.
posted by BestCoaster at 12:00 PM on November 21, 2014 [3 favorites]

1) Have fun while living within your means. You're living at home, but do you have hobbies, friends, places you go for fun?

2) Have a plan for the future. You're broke now, but will you still be broke 2 or 3 years from now? What are your job prospects like? Have a raise or promotion coming to you? When will your debt be paid off?

3) Always pay your own way and avoid going on dates where they'll have to pay for themselves unless its their idea.

And yes, its going to limit your dating pool. Some women want or need a guy that's going to pay for everything. You're not that guy. So try and filter out those sorts of people as soon as you can, and recognizing that, you should probably open up your options to people who you might not ordinarily consider -- be more open minded.
posted by empath at 12:10 PM on November 21, 2014 [1 favorite]

I recently went through a very similar situation, although the reasons for my anxiety were, on the surface, different.

As it turned out, she broke things off with me.

There were two positive results: First, I realized that I was no longer feeling miserable like I had been while I was waiting for the axe to fall. (Knowing that someone has a good reason to dump you sucks. It's grinding suck while you're waiting, and a huge suck when it happens. And then you feel better, because the grinding suck is gone.)

Second, I realized that the source of much of my anxiety was, "I've never met someone like her before, and I will never find someone like her again." It didn't take too much reflection after the relationship was over to realize that this thought was bullshit.

That may or may not help you, but I thought I'd put it out there. Don't be too afraid of the end of the relationship. It may happen. But it's not a disaster if it does. It may feel that way now, but it's not.
posted by clawsoon at 12:25 PM on November 21, 2014

I actually dated someone who did live at home; and actually, the reason he gave me for why was perfectly logical and reasonable, and at the time we met, I thought it noble ("my mom had breast cancer and moved back home to take care of her, but then they fired me when I was taking too much time off work and so now I'm still here"). It was only after two years of him still living at home and me gradually figuring it out that that was just an excuse for him being lazy that I had a problem.

My point being - I think if you are honest about your situation and are actually showing signs of trying to do something about it, that can give you a pass. It's not the living at home that's necessarily the problem, it's "living at home and not doing much to change that situation" that turns people off. In my case, it wasn't the guy living at home that put me off, it was feeling like he'd had to lie to me to make himself look good, and also feeling like he'd manipulated me to get sympathy.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:47 PM on November 21, 2014 [3 favorites]

I don't know if this is good advice for your current situation, but it's always been easier for me to date people who are roughly in the same place as I am, in life. Especially when it comes to things I'm insecure about. I always feel like some kind of poseur or striver when I try to date someone who makes a lot more money than I do, or has a much more prestigious job, or is vastly more accomplished than I am.

So, if you're worried about the fact that you still live at home, date someone who still lives at home or can totally relate to still living at home, rather than someone who has been on their own since they were 18 and never looked back. If you're insecure about how much money you make, don't date an investment banker. Etc.

Or, if you want to bring this advice to the person you're currently with (assuming they're not a highly independent mega-ambitious overachiever who simply isn't compatible with you at all), see your partner as she actually is, not as some ideal perfect person who obviously has her life 100% together. I'm sure there are areas of her life that aren't exactly the way she'd like them to be, too. For the most part, everybody is just doing the best they can, figuring it out as they go along. You are most likely putting pressure on yourself to have everything figured out, and if not, then why date someone who has bizarrely unrealistic expectations of you?

(However, some real talk, here: I would not consider dating someone who was in their late 20s and still lived with their parents unless there were severely extenuating circumstances. If your living situation is a bone of contention in your relationship and it is in any way possible for you to not live with your parents, you should move out on your own. 28 is getting into an age where still living at home is not just a normal part of figuring your shit out. Especially if you have a job that clearly pays enough for you to live on your own, just not to the lifestyle to which your parents are able to provide.)
posted by Sara C. at 12:58 PM on November 21, 2014

Best answer: Personally, when there's something I can't change about myself that is probably a dealbreaker for a lot of people, I try to put it out there early. Not necessarily first date early, but not much later than the "I'm starting to see potential" time. Because either she's going to put your mind at ease that she couldn't care less about the fact that you have this debt from the past. Or she's going to confirm your fear that this isn't going to go anywhere. Spending one-on-one time bonding with someone makes me even more scared to lose them, so as time goes by, it gets even tougher to reveal things that might screw it up.

In your shoes, I'd tell her about the debt. Maybe not dollar amounts, if that's too uncomfortable, but I'd tell her in terms of how many months it will take you to get your own place, and how many more months to pay it off completely. Be realistic, then stay on track. When she sees you move out x months from now, you will be demonstrating that you're responsible about money.
posted by Bentobox Humperdinck at 2:08 PM on November 21, 2014 [4 favorites]

Just to give you a positive example: I was in debt, practically living with my folks (down the street) and drifting in school when I met my current fiancee. She was just graduating from a great college and had her whole life ahead of her.

I was and still am really conscious of stuff like this, since I grew up poor around rich people. You know what? She liked me anyway and while she's always gonna be the financial brains of the outfit, she's really helped me get my money in order to the extent that I'm not constantly paralyzed by fiscal anxiety.
posted by klangklangston at 3:10 PM on November 21, 2014 [2 favorites]

Look, the world's changed. People who'd judge you according to pre-2008 standards are maybe not ones you'd want to be with. Many people temporarily boomerang for any number of reasons - divorce, layoffs; things like that can happen to anyone, at any time. We're all vulnerable. I personally wouldn't want to date someone who couldn't take all that into perspective.

You're being responsible by paying down your debt and living within your means, instead of maxing out your credit or psychological resources to fund an unrealistic lifestyle (which a lot of people do, somehow, still). You've got an end goal. A lot of people would respect that. Also, if you're getting along well enough with your family to endure living with them as an adult, that's a plus, imo. It's even a non-issue, for some - I live in a high COL city, and it's not unheard of for people up to 30ish to live with their parents until they can save enough for e.g. a down payment on a mortgage (though it's true this is maybe more common among people from 1st or 2nd generation families, who value interdependence). But a lot of people would think that's maybe a smart sort of thing to do.

You're making solid progress in many ways. Keep moving towards your financial, career and personal goals, and continue being the lovely person this woman is wanting to get to know. If you sense she's someone who could understand about your debt, that's wonderful - telling her about it might well be a relief.

In terms of dating in general, because you're still finding your feet, it would be self-protective to attend to people's capacity for empathy, and the values and lifestyle orientation they express. (Like, maybe the woman who expects you to pay for a five course dinner at the trendiest restaurant in town is someone you could take a pass on, and maybe that'd be fine.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 4:14 PM on November 21, 2014 [1 favorite]

"I feel if she were to hear about it, she'd lose interest in me. "

Would this be a bad thing? Depending on how serious a relationship you want, it may be a blessing to find out early.
posted by d. z. wang at 8:47 AM on November 22, 2014 [2 favorites]