Boyfriend doesn't want to live together. Am I deluding myself?
November 20, 2014 12:33 PM Subscribe
I have a darling boyfriend who I have been dating for 1.5 years. We are generally very happy (so much fun, so much in common, and very attracted to each other), and I love him. My lease is up, and he's decided that he's not ready to live together yet. Other people (especially my family) are giving me a hard time about it. How do I know if they're right?
Some additional information: we are both 29-years-old. We've had a lot of changes in the past year and a half. Shortly before we started dating, he separated from his wife, and I decided to stop drinking/embrace recovery. We were both MESSES when we started dating, but it's become a partnership that is safe, sane, and awesome. After working out insurance stuff, he has filed for divorce and the divorce will be finalized in January.
My take? We spend almost every night at his place, and I love him and he's my favorite person, so let's live together. His take? He loves me and I'm his favorite person, but he got married at 19 and really hasn't had his own space to live alone and wants that a bit. He wants to be in a serious relationship with me/continue where we're at, but living together sounds like too much for him right now.
My feelings were definitely hurt and I'm a little sad, and I have decided that at some point if he's not ready to move onto the next stage of dating I will have to break it off. However, I think it'd be okay (and probably healthy/good for us) for me to find my own place or new roommates and have a little more space, too.
When I type this out, it all makes sense. However, my family is trying to push me to let him go ("if he wanted to be with you, he'd live with you," and "he'll never be ready"), and start trying to find someone new. I definitely don't want to do that, but I have sometimes made poor choices about men in the past. Every fiber of my being is telling me that this is not the case this time, but what if I'm wrong? My family sometimes has issues with codependency, so it's hard to know what to do.
Basically, I want to know if not being ready to live together at 1.5 years is a red flag, and I want to know if I'm being foolish/"wasting my best years" (family) by dating someone who isn't ready for more commitment.
Some additional information: we are both 29-years-old. We've had a lot of changes in the past year and a half. Shortly before we started dating, he separated from his wife, and I decided to stop drinking/embrace recovery. We were both MESSES when we started dating, but it's become a partnership that is safe, sane, and awesome. After working out insurance stuff, he has filed for divorce and the divorce will be finalized in January.
My take? We spend almost every night at his place, and I love him and he's my favorite person, so let's live together. His take? He loves me and I'm his favorite person, but he got married at 19 and really hasn't had his own space to live alone and wants that a bit. He wants to be in a serious relationship with me/continue where we're at, but living together sounds like too much for him right now.
My feelings were definitely hurt and I'm a little sad, and I have decided that at some point if he's not ready to move onto the next stage of dating I will have to break it off. However, I think it'd be okay (and probably healthy/good for us) for me to find my own place or new roommates and have a little more space, too.
When I type this out, it all makes sense. However, my family is trying to push me to let him go ("if he wanted to be with you, he'd live with you," and "he'll never be ready"), and start trying to find someone new. I definitely don't want to do that, but I have sometimes made poor choices about men in the past. Every fiber of my being is telling me that this is not the case this time, but what if I'm wrong? My family sometimes has issues with codependency, so it's hard to know what to do.
Basically, I want to know if not being ready to live together at 1.5 years is a red flag, and I want to know if I'm being foolish/"wasting my best years" (family) by dating someone who isn't ready for more commitment.
His divorced still is not finalized? Not living together seems like a very mature and healthy decision at this stage in this case.
posted by florencetnoa at 12:37 PM on November 20, 2014 [46 favorites]
posted by florencetnoa at 12:37 PM on November 20, 2014 [46 favorites]
Best answer: This is not a red flag.
posted by prize bull octorok at 12:37 PM on November 20, 2014 [38 favorites]
posted by prize bull octorok at 12:37 PM on November 20, 2014 [38 favorites]
Your reasoning makes sense to me! Don't let your family talk you out of a relationship that is working for you. (If they had concerns about how he treats you, I'd listen, but this doesn't sound like that at all.) I know people who've been dating happily way longer than 1.5 years who don't live together. I don't see it as a red flag, though I totally get that you're disappointed. Keep on keeping on!
posted by ferret branca at 12:38 PM on November 20, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by ferret branca at 12:38 PM on November 20, 2014 [3 favorites]
Not a red flag. I disagree wholly with your family. You are not deluding yourself. Be happy and don't overthink. Even if you don't end up being together forever, it's not 'wasted time' and you were not 'wasting your best years'.
posted by destructive cactus at 12:39 PM on November 20, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by destructive cactus at 12:39 PM on November 20, 2014 [3 favorites]
His take? He loves me and I'm his favorite person, but he got married at 19 and really hasn't had his own space to live alone and wants that a bit. He wants to be in a serious relationship with me/continue where we're at, but living together sounds like too much for him right now.
I think he gave you a very good reason. It's healthier for both of you to have your own spaces for a while longer and I would feel lucky that he was able to articulate it so well.
posted by lydhre at 12:39 PM on November 20, 2014 [27 favorites]
I think he gave you a very good reason. It's healthier for both of you to have your own spaces for a while longer and I would feel lucky that he was able to articulate it so well.
posted by lydhre at 12:39 PM on November 20, 2014 [27 favorites]
Don't push it and don't dump him. Give him a little more time - he just got separated - not even officially divorced yet. This is coming from a once still married female with the same person since I was 19. He is probably a great person and only you really know that so give him the benefit of the doubt of one more year.
posted by MrsMGH at 12:39 PM on November 20, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by MrsMGH at 12:39 PM on November 20, 2014 [2 favorites]
Since he was married at 19, you're probably looking at a long wait until he's ready.
I think the best option for you is to possibly keep your options open, and have an exit strategy out of the relationship. It's tough to be all in when the other person isn't, but this guy, even if you love him, isn't really your best bet.
You have to look out for yourself and what you want. You'd like to move in with him, and it's normal and healthy to want the relationship to progress. He's stunted/gunshy bc of his last relationship. You don't have to compromise what you want for him and his problems.
posted by discopolo at 12:39 PM on November 20, 2014 [9 favorites]
I think the best option for you is to possibly keep your options open, and have an exit strategy out of the relationship. It's tough to be all in when the other person isn't, but this guy, even if you love him, isn't really your best bet.
You have to look out for yourself and what you want. You'd like to move in with him, and it's normal and healthy to want the relationship to progress. He's stunted/gunshy bc of his last relationship. You don't have to compromise what you want for him and his problems.
posted by discopolo at 12:39 PM on November 20, 2014 [9 favorites]
Best answer: What's your family's payoff from this? Is it just that you get married off ASAP before you expire or something?
I think that believing your family's meaningless (possibly horrible, bad for you) advice over listening to your partner telling you his needs based on his life experience is a huge red flag on your part.
He should live independently for at least one entire divorced year, if not two or more. You should want that for him and for the sanity and sure-footing of a future relationship.
You should pursue at least one solid year of sober independent living, if not two or more, for the sanity and sure-footing of a future relationship.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:40 PM on November 20, 2014 [45 favorites]
I think that believing your family's meaningless (possibly horrible, bad for you) advice over listening to your partner telling you his needs based on his life experience is a huge red flag on your part.
He should live independently for at least one entire divorced year, if not two or more. You should want that for him and for the sanity and sure-footing of a future relationship.
You should pursue at least one solid year of sober independent living, if not two or more, for the sanity and sure-footing of a future relationship.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:40 PM on November 20, 2014 [45 favorites]
No red flag I can see. If a personal story helps . . . I fell pretty hard for my Bear pretty fast, and he fell for me even faster, but he was just emerging from a 7 year relationship, and I was bruised from a physically and emotionally abusive one. We alternated staying with each other on weekends, but he kept those weekends pretty short. Then we did buy a house move in together, before we got married, and I got a ton of grief from family members who felt I needed to wait to move in until I had a ring on my finger. Were they right? I've been wearing said ring for a long time now.
Moral: It is about his commitment to you and the relationship, not his readiness to move in right now. He sounds very committed. So do you. Give him the chance to experience what he never did before, life in his own place, and see where that goes.
I'd start feeling hurt and making plans to move on only if over time it seems his engagement in your relationship isn't equivalent to yours. It does not seem that way now.
posted by bearwife at 12:43 PM on November 20, 2014 [5 favorites]
Moral: It is about his commitment to you and the relationship, not his readiness to move in right now. He sounds very committed. So do you. Give him the chance to experience what he never did before, life in his own place, and see where that goes.
I'd start feeling hurt and making plans to move on only if over time it seems his engagement in your relationship isn't equivalent to yours. It does not seem that way now.
posted by bearwife at 12:43 PM on November 20, 2014 [5 favorites]
It's more of a red flag to me that your family is telling you to dump this guy because he's not adhering to your preferred timetable for relationship advancement.
posted by palomar at 12:44 PM on November 20, 2014 [15 favorites]
posted by palomar at 12:44 PM on November 20, 2014 [15 favorites]
Is your family upset at him for another reason? Because his take on it seems eminently reasonable and responsible, especially given that his divorce isn't finalized yet. Their advice seems out of line, since you are the one actually in this relationship. One or both of you can always get a shorter (but still renewable) lease if moving together within a year is something either of you want, but just being each other's favorite people is not the only reason to move in together.
posted by jetlagaddict at 12:44 PM on November 20, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by jetlagaddict at 12:44 PM on November 20, 2014 [3 favorites]
Not a red flag at all. He really hasn't even been alone - he jumped right into a relationship with you after a relatively long marriage that started when he was barely an adult. He's making a well-reasoned, mature decision and he's being clear and honest with you about where he is with it.
I'd stop sharing your relationship details with your family. It sounds like they're giving you very bad counsel. Trust your gut and if the relationship is otherwise good, healthy, and supportive - let it unfold naturally instead of being pushed by people who are not even in the relationship.
posted by quince at 12:48 PM on November 20, 2014 [8 favorites]
I'd stop sharing your relationship details with your family. It sounds like they're giving you very bad counsel. Trust your gut and if the relationship is otherwise good, healthy, and supportive - let it unfold naturally instead of being pushed by people who are not even in the relationship.
posted by quince at 12:48 PM on November 20, 2014 [8 favorites]
To put it bluntly, you sound extremely co-dependent on a family who are giving you terrible advice in this instance and not respecting boundaries. This is your life, one you're trying to make with him. Having your family harp on about him doesn't sound healthy and you should ask them to stop.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:50 PM on November 20, 2014 [6 favorites]
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:50 PM on November 20, 2014 [6 favorites]
Yeah, this ain't a red flag. He's being very honest and straightforward with you. Tell your family to mind their own business.
posted by jabes at 12:50 PM on November 20, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by jabes at 12:50 PM on November 20, 2014 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I don't think you're fooling yourself because:
- The previous generation got married and had kids on a very different timetable.
- When someone signs divorce papers, it can reawaken grief about the divorce. Having space to process this independently, rather than spilling it onto you, makes sense.
- Since you both were messes at the outset, your real, sober, adult relationship is younger than 18 months.
- You both feel living separately is a healthy thing for you both right now.
There's no way to know what life will bring, of course. But you can always break up later. Space is an underappreciated need and gift, in my opinion.
posted by salvia at 12:53 PM on November 20, 2014 [9 favorites]
- The previous generation got married and had kids on a very different timetable.
- When someone signs divorce papers, it can reawaken grief about the divorce. Having space to process this independently, rather than spilling it onto you, makes sense.
- Since you both were messes at the outset, your real, sober, adult relationship is younger than 18 months.
- You both feel living separately is a healthy thing for you both right now.
There's no way to know what life will bring, of course. But you can always break up later. Space is an underappreciated need and gift, in my opinion.
posted by salvia at 12:53 PM on November 20, 2014 [9 favorites]
Response by poster: To be clear: when my family started saying these things, I told them to mind their own business and BACK OFF, and when they continued talking I told them, "Okay, gotta go, bye." I'm more concerned that my picker is broken (which it sounds like the consensus is mostly that it isn't) or maybe that they have advice that I should be following.
posted by socktothepuppet at 12:54 PM on November 20, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by socktothepuppet at 12:54 PM on November 20, 2014 [5 favorites]
I met my husband when I was still with my ex (not as sordid as it sounds for reasons I won't go into). Living on my own for nearly a year was one of the best decisions I've ever made.
Your picker is not broken. Stick to your guns. You are in the relationship. Your family is not.
posted by Beti at 12:59 PM on November 20, 2014 [5 favorites]
Your picker is not broken. Stick to your guns. You are in the relationship. Your family is not.
posted by Beti at 12:59 PM on November 20, 2014 [5 favorites]
Don't listen to your family on this one. They love you, but they're also pushing their own agendas. I'm in my early 30s and my mother, sister, even my stepbrother (!) have offered all kinds of absurd "advice" in service of getting me married and children'd ASAP. Who knows what they're thinking, but I know what I'm thinking and what feels right in my own life.
You seem to know what feels right to you, and your boyfriend's reasons all sound very legitimate and very healthy to me. Those desires also bespeak a level of respect for himself and for you as individuals, and that's a good sign. Take some time, give yourselves space, and don't worry about it for a while.
posted by magdalemon at 12:59 PM on November 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
You seem to know what feels right to you, and your boyfriend's reasons all sound very legitimate and very healthy to me. Those desires also bespeak a level of respect for himself and for you as individuals, and that's a good sign. Take some time, give yourselves space, and don't worry about it for a while.
posted by magdalemon at 12:59 PM on November 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I would not listen to your family about this, but I would listen to your gut and to what he's actually saying to you rather than what you may want to hear.
I was in pretty much exactly your situation when I was 29, in fact aside from the previous marriage and the recovery stuff your situation could be exactly mine at that time. Both of our leases were up around the same time, he had this great apartment in an awesome neighborhood he couldn't afford on his own (his roommate was moving out), but we could have swung it together and had a sweet two bedroom for ourselves. It seemed like a no-brainer even outside of questions about where our relationship was going.
So we were hanging out one day and I said, "What if we just moved in together?" all casual-like.
And here's the thing. He didn't say "I'm not ready for that yet for x totally valid emotionally honest reasons", he just sorta was like "I don't want to." But I heard the former, because I was in love and really wanted everything to work out and to eventually take things "to the next level". And also SUHWEET APARTMENT IN A HOT NEIGHBORHOOD AMIRITE. (From the vantage point of four years later, I may have loved his apartment more than him.)
A month later, he broke up with me.
I think if you guys have had a really frank real talk about where your relationship is heading and how that relates to your living arrangements and where each of you is at in terms of all of that and more, fuck the haters, everything is going to be fine.
I think if you were like "but just think of the savings in rent!" and he was like "um nah" and then you created this whole emotionally honest conversation in your head that was along the lines of what you feel like was communicated in an unspoken way, you need to really stop and think and maybe check in about where your relationship is headed. And your family could definitely be right about his level of seriousness.
posted by Sara C. at 1:01 PM on November 20, 2014 [23 favorites]
I was in pretty much exactly your situation when I was 29, in fact aside from the previous marriage and the recovery stuff your situation could be exactly mine at that time. Both of our leases were up around the same time, he had this great apartment in an awesome neighborhood he couldn't afford on his own (his roommate was moving out), but we could have swung it together and had a sweet two bedroom for ourselves. It seemed like a no-brainer even outside of questions about where our relationship was going.
So we were hanging out one day and I said, "What if we just moved in together?" all casual-like.
And here's the thing. He didn't say "I'm not ready for that yet for x totally valid emotionally honest reasons", he just sorta was like "I don't want to." But I heard the former, because I was in love and really wanted everything to work out and to eventually take things "to the next level". And also SUHWEET APARTMENT IN A HOT NEIGHBORHOOD AMIRITE. (From the vantage point of four years later, I may have loved his apartment more than him.)
A month later, he broke up with me.
I think if you guys have had a really frank real talk about where your relationship is heading and how that relates to your living arrangements and where each of you is at in terms of all of that and more, fuck the haters, everything is going to be fine.
I think if you were like "but just think of the savings in rent!" and he was like "um nah" and then you created this whole emotionally honest conversation in your head that was along the lines of what you feel like was communicated in an unspoken way, you need to really stop and think and maybe check in about where your relationship is headed. And your family could definitely be right about his level of seriousness.
posted by Sara C. at 1:01 PM on November 20, 2014 [23 favorites]
People move in on their own timetables. For me, 1.5 years was nowhere near soon enough to move in, even without divorce, etc. on the table. I think it was something like 3 or 4 years before my partner and I moved in together. I had never lived alone and it was so important for me to do that for a good chunk of time. I also think it made me a better person to live with when we did eventually move in.
It all sounds very sensible and healthy. That said, it also sounds totally reasonable that you're feeling hurt, and I hope you two can create a safe place for you to talk about that, and about where you each are in the relationship, and about a timetable where you'll have this conversation again.
posted by Stacey at 1:03 PM on November 20, 2014
It all sounds very sensible and healthy. That said, it also sounds totally reasonable that you're feeling hurt, and I hope you two can create a safe place for you to talk about that, and about where you each are in the relationship, and about a timetable where you'll have this conversation again.
posted by Stacey at 1:03 PM on November 20, 2014
The red flag is your family pushing you into taking their shitty advice. I think it sounds like you guys are doing pretty good and there is openness and honesty about feelings, which is way more valuable than it seems like your family is giving you credit for.
posted by poffin boffin at 1:06 PM on November 20, 2014
posted by poffin boffin at 1:06 PM on November 20, 2014
Just wanted to chime in to say that even without these(very good, totally mature and legit) extenuating circumstances, I hate the whole relationship treadmill "if it's been x amount of time and you haven't moved in together then it's not a serious relationship and you should move on"
There are obviously times when crappy excuses or circumstances are involved where that could make sense, but imo wanting to hold off on moving in together isn't a red or green flag on its own.
This isn't a super popular opinion, but i think that anyone who is being like your family and thinks you absolute HAVE to move in together after a year and a half or it'd a stagnate waste of a relationship is a dumb "the rules" type person who should be ignored. That kind of thinking is just as detrimental to healthy relationships as PUA type crap.
This all sounds exceptionally reasonable to me. I don't think you should be planning an exit strategy or anything.
posted by emptythought at 1:16 PM on November 20, 2014 [3 favorites]
There are obviously times when crappy excuses or circumstances are involved where that could make sense, but imo wanting to hold off on moving in together isn't a red or green flag on its own.
This isn't a super popular opinion, but i think that anyone who is being like your family and thinks you absolute HAVE to move in together after a year and a half or it'd a stagnate waste of a relationship is a dumb "the rules" type person who should be ignored. That kind of thinking is just as detrimental to healthy relationships as PUA type crap.
This all sounds exceptionally reasonable to me. I don't think you should be planning an exit strategy or anything.
posted by emptythought at 1:16 PM on November 20, 2014 [3 favorites]
This has happened to me. We had been going out for over a year and I brought it up. He made it abundantly clear he was totally bonkers for me but he liked his current living situation and was good with that for the time being. I dropped it. We moved in together a year and a half later and have been living together happily for the last six years. I'm glad we waited until he was all in.
A year and a half isn't that long, especially when you're both getting over big stuff. It sounds like you're a good match. If he's otherwise good to you and makes you happy, just enjoy the ride for the time being.
posted by futureisunwritten at 1:37 PM on November 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
A year and a half isn't that long, especially when you're both getting over big stuff. It sounds like you're a good match. If he's otherwise good to you and makes you happy, just enjoy the ride for the time being.
posted by futureisunwritten at 1:37 PM on November 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I didn't move in with Husbunny until we were engaged and set a wedding date.
Your family is not correct in this. Either renew your lease or find a new place for the next year. Let him go through whatever process he needs to go through to be ready. BUT. Put a time-frame on it.
How long are you willing to wait for him to be ready? What if he never is. Right now, a year won't make a big difference in how you live your life, but don't let this go on definitely.
Do you want to be married to him one day? If so, then he needs to know that. Now is not the time to bring that up, but in a few months, once you're safely moved to your new digs you can say to him, "I love you and I want to build a future with you. I realize that we're both still working through some things, and we may not be ready now, but I need to know that this is what you want too." If he can't tell you the same thing, as hard as it is, you have to say, "As much as I love you, I need to know that we're planning for the same future. It's okay for you not to want what I want, but because I want to be married and start a family and because you can't say that you want that too, it's time for me to move on."
So decide in your head when it's time to either fish or cut bait. Do NOT let this drag on in limbo beyond that date.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:41 PM on November 20, 2014 [16 favorites]
Your family is not correct in this. Either renew your lease or find a new place for the next year. Let him go through whatever process he needs to go through to be ready. BUT. Put a time-frame on it.
How long are you willing to wait for him to be ready? What if he never is. Right now, a year won't make a big difference in how you live your life, but don't let this go on definitely.
Do you want to be married to him one day? If so, then he needs to know that. Now is not the time to bring that up, but in a few months, once you're safely moved to your new digs you can say to him, "I love you and I want to build a future with you. I realize that we're both still working through some things, and we may not be ready now, but I need to know that this is what you want too." If he can't tell you the same thing, as hard as it is, you have to say, "As much as I love you, I need to know that we're planning for the same future. It's okay for you not to want what I want, but because I want to be married and start a family and because you can't say that you want that too, it's time for me to move on."
So decide in your head when it's time to either fish or cut bait. Do NOT let this drag on in limbo beyond that date.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:41 PM on November 20, 2014 [16 favorites]
People do move in/get married sooner for reasons of convenience, they do it all the time and it works out but that doesn't mean it's the best way and especially not with a divorce still pending. totally agree with everyone suggesting you separate the "where is this relationship going" inventory from the housing issue. And wait until the divorce is final too. Things really may look different after, even if it seems like it's just going to be a formality.
posted by BibiRose at 1:56 PM on November 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by BibiRose at 1:56 PM on November 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
Your mom probably wants grandkids and it's easier to get them if the bun is in the oven before age 35. I can see where your family is coming from even if I think their advice was ill-advised.
A year won't make or break you, but you will want to put an internal end date on the separate living arrangements if you really want kids. If you haven't had the kids conversation with your beloved, now would be a convenient time to do so.
posted by crazycanuck at 2:40 PM on November 20, 2014
A year won't make or break you, but you will want to put an internal end date on the separate living arrangements if you really want kids. If you haven't had the kids conversation with your beloved, now would be a convenient time to do so.
posted by crazycanuck at 2:40 PM on November 20, 2014
Hi,
If I wrote a one page self help book about relationships it would go something like this:
Find your own place with a 1 year lease. Give each other a little more space and see what happens. I am hard pressed to think of a male friend who isn't super excited to know and love another person who is strong, independent and wants their own stuff and space as much as we do.
If you each have your own space for another year and you also both get more time to do your own thing during that year, you will end up living together.
I am another someone who was in a similar situation 3 years ago... (I was getting divorced and my lovely girlfriend was going through her own heavy thing). My big lesson? We all figure "it" and ourselves out and heal at our own pace.
We lived separately and just hung out 3 or 4 days a week for 2.5 years while we figured out our shit.
I can't tell you how much I appreciated (and still do) the space when I needed it even if we both made sacrifices around money and convenience.
We also got to know each other better in a different and deeper way because we were 2+ years into it.
We live together now and it's fantastic. We both still ask for and get plenty of "me" time without hurt feelings. It took me many relationships and 9 years of marriage to figure this out, I've never been happier.
good luck!
If you can't do that and need the whole enchilada right now... then you are not with the right guy right now.
posted by bobdow at 2:46 PM on November 20, 2014 [3 favorites]
If I wrote a one page self help book about relationships it would go something like this:
Find your own place with a 1 year lease. Give each other a little more space and see what happens. I am hard pressed to think of a male friend who isn't super excited to know and love another person who is strong, independent and wants their own stuff and space as much as we do.
If you each have your own space for another year and you also both get more time to do your own thing during that year, you will end up living together.
I am another someone who was in a similar situation 3 years ago... (I was getting divorced and my lovely girlfriend was going through her own heavy thing). My big lesson? We all figure "it" and ourselves out and heal at our own pace.
We lived separately and just hung out 3 or 4 days a week for 2.5 years while we figured out our shit.
I can't tell you how much I appreciated (and still do) the space when I needed it even if we both made sacrifices around money and convenience.
We also got to know each other better in a different and deeper way because we were 2+ years into it.
We live together now and it's fantastic. We both still ask for and get plenty of "me" time without hurt feelings. It took me many relationships and 9 years of marriage to figure this out, I've never been happier.
good luck!
If you can't do that and need the whole enchilada right now... then you are not with the right guy right now.
posted by bobdow at 2:46 PM on November 20, 2014 [3 favorites]
I think it's actually a very good sign that he's recognizing that he needs to have some time to live on his own, and is open with you about it.
posted by sarcasticah at 3:24 PM on November 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by sarcasticah at 3:24 PM on November 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Corb: Yep.
I just talked to my sister, who was talking about confronting him at Thanksgiving (he's coming home with me), and I told her that talking to him about this stuff with him is unacceptable. She said, "Well, we'll see." I sent her the following text:
"I love you and appreciate how much you love me. I know you will respect this decision I've thought a lot about and made with therapists/my sponsor/in a sober state of mind and the boundaries surrounding my relationship with [boyfriend]. Love you. Thanks for caring for me."
And, if they don't respect the boundaries, boyfriend and I can leave. Thanks so much for helping me see how unreasonable my family is/how reasonable it is for me to decide I'm okay with living apart for a bit. AskMe, you're awesome. I needed this SO much.
posted by socktothepuppet at 3:37 PM on November 20, 2014 [15 favorites]
I just talked to my sister, who was talking about confronting him at Thanksgiving (he's coming home with me), and I told her that talking to him about this stuff with him is unacceptable. She said, "Well, we'll see." I sent her the following text:
"I love you and appreciate how much you love me. I know you will respect this decision I've thought a lot about and made with therapists/my sponsor/in a sober state of mind and the boundaries surrounding my relationship with [boyfriend]. Love you. Thanks for caring for me."
And, if they don't respect the boundaries, boyfriend and I can leave. Thanks so much for helping me see how unreasonable my family is/how reasonable it is for me to decide I'm okay with living apart for a bit. AskMe, you're awesome. I needed this SO much.
posted by socktothepuppet at 3:37 PM on November 20, 2014 [15 favorites]
Not totally your demographic, but this article might calm any anxiety you have about being in a serious relationship but living apart.
And, like many others have mentioned, I think it's healthy for your boyfriend to want some time to live on his own and connect with his sense of self as an individual and not within the confines of a couple.
posted by brookeb at 3:41 PM on November 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
And, like many others have mentioned, I think it's healthy for your boyfriend to want some time to live on his own and connect with his sense of self as an individual and not within the confines of a couple.
posted by brookeb at 3:41 PM on November 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
There's an important difference between "I'm not ready to live with you" and "I'm not ready to live with anybody yet." He seems like he's going to a lot of effort to reassure you that he likes being with you and he likes the path your relationship is on. So try to take his feelings for you out of the equation and think about the other reasons he might want to live on his own right now.
He's been living with other people for his entire life. He just got divorced. He probably wants to have empty space to wave his arms around in. He wants to walk out of his bedroom naked and drink straight from the milk carton and scratch when he has an itch and fart whenever he feels like it, as loud as he wants. That has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with a very understandable need to relax and breathe air that belongs only to him at the end of the day.
Let him have that. It seems like he really respects you and values your relationship enough to be both honest and reassuring. That's the opposite of a red flag. That's a green flag! That's "I care about you, and I trust you enough to tell you what I need right now." Value that.
And you probably need the same things right now, whether you know it or not.
posted by kythuen at 5:04 PM on November 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
He's been living with other people for his entire life. He just got divorced. He probably wants to have empty space to wave his arms around in. He wants to walk out of his bedroom naked and drink straight from the milk carton and scratch when he has an itch and fart whenever he feels like it, as loud as he wants. That has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with a very understandable need to relax and breathe air that belongs only to him at the end of the day.
Let him have that. It seems like he really respects you and values your relationship enough to be both honest and reassuring. That's the opposite of a red flag. That's a green flag! That's "I care about you, and I trust you enough to tell you what I need right now." Value that.
And you probably need the same things right now, whether you know it or not.
posted by kythuen at 5:04 PM on November 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
Hey, that was an awesome job setting boundaries with your sister. Seriously.
posted by palomar at 5:14 PM on November 20, 2014 [23 favorites]
posted by palomar at 5:14 PM on November 20, 2014 [23 favorites]
FWIW, Frieda Kahlo and Diego Rivera lived in separate households through much of their marriage. If you're both being honest and it's working for both of you, ignore convention/family/etc.
My grandmother adored my grandfather and was married to him for over 60 years. She said her ideal living arrangement would be several acres in the mountains with separate cabins on opposite ends of the property...visit when you want!
posted by jrobin276 at 6:58 PM on November 20, 2014 [2 favorites]
My grandmother adored my grandfather and was married to him for over 60 years. She said her ideal living arrangement would be several acres in the mountains with separate cabins on opposite ends of the property...visit when you want!
posted by jrobin276 at 6:58 PM on November 20, 2014 [2 favorites]
It sounds like he is communicating his needs and boundaries clearly and effectively, which is pretty much the opposite of every other relationship AskMe ever. From your (awesome) update it sounds like you are fine with respecting his boundaries. You guys seem to be negotiating you relationship splendidly. You family's two cents aren't even worth the two cents in this case. Imho.
posted by vignettist at 7:06 PM on November 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by vignettist at 7:06 PM on November 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
I would also suggest spending more time at your own place, both with him and without him. Because it sounds as though right now, you're sort of trying to fit yourself into his life, and he's saying that he's not ready to fit another person totally into his life. Which is not to say that he'll never want to do that, but he's done a great job of communicating how he feels now, and you're being very honest and open in your responses, both to him and to other people.
I think you're doing great. But I also think that, as someone in recovery, you could also benefit from standing on your own two feet a little, and getting excited about stuff that is just about you, and not about him or your relationship. I think you'll like the way it feels. And I also think that it'll give both of you a clearer perspective on where you want your relationship to go in the future if you give the relationship, and each other, some room to grow. Go find a cool new apartment, maybe with cool roommates you can hang out with, or just a space you really love and feel comfortable. Set it up just the way you like things, so that you'll want to spend time there. Don't just consider it a place to store your stuff in between sleepovers at his house. Make it your home. And then, a year or two from now, when both of you are more settled from the chaos you're coming out of, maybe both of you will be ready to talk about whether you want to live together.
posted by decathecting at 7:12 PM on November 20, 2014 [9 favorites]
I think you're doing great. But I also think that, as someone in recovery, you could also benefit from standing on your own two feet a little, and getting excited about stuff that is just about you, and not about him or your relationship. I think you'll like the way it feels. And I also think that it'll give both of you a clearer perspective on where you want your relationship to go in the future if you give the relationship, and each other, some room to grow. Go find a cool new apartment, maybe with cool roommates you can hang out with, or just a space you really love and feel comfortable. Set it up just the way you like things, so that you'll want to spend time there. Don't just consider it a place to store your stuff in between sleepovers at his house. Make it your home. And then, a year or two from now, when both of you are more settled from the chaos you're coming out of, maybe both of you will be ready to talk about whether you want to live together.
posted by decathecting at 7:12 PM on November 20, 2014 [9 favorites]
You're not deluding yourself. Your family's being weird about this.
don't use Frida Kahlo and Diego Rivera as your relationship model though, despite what jrobin276 says
posted by deludingmyself at 7:23 PM on November 20, 2014 [5 favorites]
don't use Frida Kahlo and Diego Rivera as your relationship model though, despite what jrobin276 says
posted by deludingmyself at 7:23 PM on November 20, 2014 [5 favorites]
However, my family is trying to push me to let him go ("if he wanted to be with you, he'd live with you," and "he'll never be ready"), and start trying to find someone new. I definitely don't want to do that, but I have sometimes made poor choices about men in the past. Every fiber of my being is telling me that this is not the case this time, but what if I'm wrong?
The only opinions in this discussion that are relevant are yours and your boyfriend's. Your family's views are not relevant. Go with your gut.
If he says he's not ready, and you're OK with that, and you still make each other happy, then great! Feel free to tell your family that you will make the decision that is right for you, and that you have heard their opinions and are not interested in hearing them again.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 7:31 PM on November 20, 2014
The only opinions in this discussion that are relevant are yours and your boyfriend's. Your family's views are not relevant. Go with your gut.
If he says he's not ready, and you're OK with that, and you still make each other happy, then great! Feel free to tell your family that you will make the decision that is right for you, and that you have heard their opinions and are not interested in hearing them again.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 7:31 PM on November 20, 2014
Ok well, I can't blame your family for saying that because generally speaking they're right... After almost 2 years together a guy who is fully in love with you and doesn't have doubts about you being the one would be a-ok with living together at this point.
However he IS just getting out of a marriage and I can understand him wanting to actually have some space for a while. The problem is that whether he realizes it or not (he probably doesn't) this is actually him wanting to be SINGLE for a while. This doesn't mean he wants to drop you for someone else, but he has admitted that he married young and felt he missed out due to this. This in effect means he felt he missed out on being single during the years when most guys sow their oats so to speak. So on some level he wants at the very least the illusion that he's available to other women. I don't think this makes him a bad person given his situation, but it does make things a tad more complicated as far as YOU are concerned. If you were my daughter I'd tell you to keep an eye out too. I wouldn't be as harsh as your family is though. I know family members can be pretty ruthless towards women when it comes to scaring them into rushing towards marriage and kids so I truly feel for you.
I'm not sure if your family is seeing somethings that you're not, but based on what you've said I'd allow him the gift of not being officially attached to someone for a while. When his divorce is finally he'll be "officially" single in the eyes of the law. Allow him to have that and his own space for a bit. I think that's fair. After 1.5 years though, he can't have that much time to do that without being unfair to you so make up your mind as to how long you're willing to be ok with not moving forward before you move on. Don't be all ultimatim-y about it though.
posted by rancher at 7:45 PM on November 20, 2014 [3 favorites]
However he IS just getting out of a marriage and I can understand him wanting to actually have some space for a while. The problem is that whether he realizes it or not (he probably doesn't) this is actually him wanting to be SINGLE for a while. This doesn't mean he wants to drop you for someone else, but he has admitted that he married young and felt he missed out due to this. This in effect means he felt he missed out on being single during the years when most guys sow their oats so to speak. So on some level he wants at the very least the illusion that he's available to other women. I don't think this makes him a bad person given his situation, but it does make things a tad more complicated as far as YOU are concerned. If you were my daughter I'd tell you to keep an eye out too. I wouldn't be as harsh as your family is though. I know family members can be pretty ruthless towards women when it comes to scaring them into rushing towards marriage and kids so I truly feel for you.
I'm not sure if your family is seeing somethings that you're not, but based on what you've said I'd allow him the gift of not being officially attached to someone for a while. When his divorce is finally he'll be "officially" single in the eyes of the law. Allow him to have that and his own space for a bit. I think that's fair. After 1.5 years though, he can't have that much time to do that without being unfair to you so make up your mind as to how long you're willing to be ok with not moving forward before you move on. Don't be all ultimatim-y about it though.
posted by rancher at 7:45 PM on November 20, 2014 [3 favorites]
Also, you know your family best. Do you think they will leave it alone over the holidays or will your sister or someone else be unable to resist harassing your boyfriend? If your family is somewhat drama prone I would strongly suggest skipping the Thanksgiving dinner. Since it is all so recent and the two of you had a productive and honest conversation about where you both are in your lives I wouldn't want stupid family drama coming between you. Family (at least mine is) can be unpredictable. I wouldn't want this to blow up into a choose him or the family situation.
posted by saradarlin at 8:48 PM on November 20, 2014
posted by saradarlin at 8:48 PM on November 20, 2014
I'm wondering if you were firm enough with your sister. Anyone who says, "well, we'll see" in response to a direct statement that you don't want her talking to your boyfriend about this needs some very, very clear guidance.
Like, "I'm not sure you understand me. You are not allowed to talk with my boyfriend about this. That is completely unacceptable on your part. If you do it anyway, knowing how I feel, you risk the relationship between you and me. Is that clear?" kind of guidance.
posted by mediareport at 9:28 PM on November 20, 2014 [7 favorites]
Like, "I'm not sure you understand me. You are not allowed to talk with my boyfriend about this. That is completely unacceptable on your part. If you do it anyway, knowing how I feel, you risk the relationship between you and me. Is that clear?" kind of guidance.
posted by mediareport at 9:28 PM on November 20, 2014 [7 favorites]
The problem is that whether he realizes it or not (he probably doesn't) this is actually him wanting to be SINGLE for a while. This doesn't mean he wants to drop you for someone else, but he has admitted that he married young and felt he missed out due to this. This in effect means he felt he missed out on being single during the years when most guys sow their oats so to speak.
I don't know if this counts as replying to another poster, but i just patently don't agree with this. It ties right back in to that whole "the rules" sort of thinking where living alone = being single, or some super early stages of a relationship. That is some seriously 1950s stuff.
Wanting to have a space you don't share with someone else 24/7 is not wanting to be single in some weird subconcious way. It's just wanting to have some space and even get a feel for what that's like, so that you get any contrast at all when you go back to not having that space.
Recalibrating that meter is likely a very good thing for knowing when you need personal space in your shared house, or when it's best to just go out to a coffee shop and read or something rather than just brew in the place with you not really knowing what he wants or why he feels that way.
I don't think this is about having the illusion that he's available to other women, i think it's about having personal space. And i think conflating the two is really like, uncharitable at best.
posted by emptythought at 10:19 PM on November 20, 2014 [8 favorites]
I don't know if this counts as replying to another poster, but i just patently don't agree with this. It ties right back in to that whole "the rules" sort of thinking where living alone = being single, or some super early stages of a relationship. That is some seriously 1950s stuff.
Wanting to have a space you don't share with someone else 24/7 is not wanting to be single in some weird subconcious way. It's just wanting to have some space and even get a feel for what that's like, so that you get any contrast at all when you go back to not having that space.
Recalibrating that meter is likely a very good thing for knowing when you need personal space in your shared house, or when it's best to just go out to a coffee shop and read or something rather than just brew in the place with you not really knowing what he wants or why he feels that way.
I don't think this is about having the illusion that he's available to other women, i think it's about having personal space. And i think conflating the two is really like, uncharitable at best.
posted by emptythought at 10:19 PM on November 20, 2014 [8 favorites]
To build on emptythought's comment, that space is all the more necessary when doing emotional processing on his own as part of the divorce.
posted by salvia at 10:58 PM on November 20, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by salvia at 10:58 PM on November 20, 2014 [5 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
This man is not divorced yet. I think is entirely within the realm of reasonability for him to want some time living alone after a 10 year marriage.
posted by saeculorum at 12:36 PM on November 20, 2014 [151 favorites]