What is the best thing to say in such a situation?
November 19, 2014 8:11 PM Subscribe
A dear friend has revealed that their conception was the result of their estranged mother's rape. Help me craft a supportive, loving response, or at least caution me on what NOT to say.
It sounds like the mother may not have had a choice as to continuing the pregnancy and keeping the baby, so I want to avoid platitudes that assume she did. I also need to avoid platitudes that presume to know what she felt about her child, my friend.
It sounds like the mother may not have had a choice as to continuing the pregnancy and keeping the baby, so I want to avoid platitudes that assume she did. I also need to avoid platitudes that presume to know what she felt about her child, my friend.
Take your cue from her. It's not clear from your question in what context or why she told you, or whether this is information she recently found out and is still processing or something that she has known all along and is just telling you now.
Assuming that she's telling you because she wants to talk about it, you should probably just listen and hear how she feels about it and reassure her that whatever she feels is ok to feel. Reassure her that this doesn't say anything about her. If this is old news to her and something she's confiding in you to deepen your friendship or relationship, then make it clear that it doesn't change the way you feel about her or think about her.
Also, I think it's ok to say that you don't know what to say.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 8:20 PM on November 19, 2014 [2 favorites]
Assuming that she's telling you because she wants to talk about it, you should probably just listen and hear how she feels about it and reassure her that whatever she feels is ok to feel. Reassure her that this doesn't say anything about her. If this is old news to her and something she's confiding in you to deepen your friendship or relationship, then make it clear that it doesn't change the way you feel about her or think about her.
Also, I think it's ok to say that you don't know what to say.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 8:20 PM on November 19, 2014 [2 favorites]
In terms of what not to say, don't make any assumptions about what that means to your friend, positive or negative. Don't assume they need your approval, or even want your disapproval about the rape.
"That sounds difficult to deal with. Do you want to tell me more about it?" would be my response.
posted by jaguar at 8:24 PM on November 19, 2014 [3 favorites]
"That sounds difficult to deal with. Do you want to tell me more about it?" would be my response.
posted by jaguar at 8:24 PM on November 19, 2014 [3 favorites]
Since you've tagged this "letterwriting" I'm going to assume that you're doing the snail mail penpal thing. In a face to face conversation, the above comments have it right. Follow the person's lead.
In a letter though, I can see how it would be weird to leave it just hanging there in the air. I might say "thank you for feeling that you can trust me with these kinds of difficult experiences."
I might also say something about life being messy and that although something terrible happened to their mom it doesn't invalidate anything wonderful your friend has done, including being a trusting friend to you. But can easily turn kind of patronizing. I guess just focus on this being an extension of trust from your friend, and respond with that in mind.
posted by Mizu at 8:29 PM on November 19, 2014
In a letter though, I can see how it would be weird to leave it just hanging there in the air. I might say "thank you for feeling that you can trust me with these kinds of difficult experiences."
I might also say something about life being messy and that although something terrible happened to their mom it doesn't invalidate anything wonderful your friend has done, including being a trusting friend to you. But can easily turn kind of patronizing. I guess just focus on this being an extension of trust from your friend, and respond with that in mind.
posted by Mizu at 8:29 PM on November 19, 2014
No need for platitudes at all, really. I would suggest something like this: "I am very sad to hear that. I expect this must be very difficult for you. I would like to give you a hug [if you want], and I want you to know that I am always available to listen if you ever want to talk."
A few things happen here. First you acknowledge the difficulty of the situation and validate whatever emotion she is feeling, without assuming you know exactly what they are. Second you offer support. Third you make it clear that your support comes in the form of comfort and listening, so that it is about her and her emotions, rather than about your response.
Things not to do: freak out, get overwhelmed or angry as a reaction to her emotions, thus forcing her to manage you, or at minimum suppress her emotions for your sake; try to fix her problems, not seeing that the real problem is not circumstances, but simply that she emotions that need to come out; trying to cheer her up or make her feel better, thus telling her that her negative emotions are not welcome with you and forcing her to bottle them for your sake. A lot of people don't know what to do with emotions, especially when they're scary or intense, and they instinctively react in ways that are designed to make them go away. To someone feeling trauma this can feel like a door being slammed, or like a ball bouncing back off a wall and hitting them in the face. However, if you are okay with holding your friend while she literally cries on your shoulder, if she needs to, and letting her emotions roll past you without absorbing or reflecting them, without making them your problem, and sending nothing her way but comfort and love, then you will be a dear friend to her indeed.
posted by PercussivePaul at 8:35 PM on November 19, 2014 [9 favorites]
A few things happen here. First you acknowledge the difficulty of the situation and validate whatever emotion she is feeling, without assuming you know exactly what they are. Second you offer support. Third you make it clear that your support comes in the form of comfort and listening, so that it is about her and her emotions, rather than about your response.
Things not to do: freak out, get overwhelmed or angry as a reaction to her emotions, thus forcing her to manage you, or at minimum suppress her emotions for your sake; try to fix her problems, not seeing that the real problem is not circumstances, but simply that she emotions that need to come out; trying to cheer her up or make her feel better, thus telling her that her negative emotions are not welcome with you and forcing her to bottle them for your sake. A lot of people don't know what to do with emotions, especially when they're scary or intense, and they instinctively react in ways that are designed to make them go away. To someone feeling trauma this can feel like a door being slammed, or like a ball bouncing back off a wall and hitting them in the face. However, if you are okay with holding your friend while she literally cries on your shoulder, if she needs to, and letting her emotions roll past you without absorbing or reflecting them, without making them your problem, and sending nothing her way but comfort and love, then you will be a dear friend to her indeed.
posted by PercussivePaul at 8:35 PM on November 19, 2014 [9 favorites]
For me, if a friend told me that, I would hug her and tell her how glad I was that she was here now. And then just let the rest flow as it will. If I let something like that loose, I don't necessarily want someone to therapize me, I am just revealing myself. So there is nothing that you should do, just say, "wow, that's rough, lemme hug ya, girlfriend!" and then go on to something else.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 8:50 PM on November 19, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 8:50 PM on November 19, 2014 [1 favorite]
I agree with most others in the thread; I would say as little as possible. However, if you want something deeper to say, I might try things along these lines:
-Family is not just nuclear but extended, in the extreme extended to the whole human race. Nuclear families are not really enough by themselves in the "natural" sense; this is a modern idea (it takes a village)
-it is is shame that her mother did not want her (don't actually say that part) but emphasize that she has a life force of her own, that she herself struggled to survive as all living things do. She in some senses wills herself to being and thriving; this can be enough. A parent only aids this already existing individual life force.
-she has agency. She is an adult now. She has power.
-the past is the past. It is already over. There is no changing the past, only the future.
-harming/doubting herself will only double the pain for no reason. Greatly emphasize this.
-what would she do if someone else was in her position? Obviously, think they were completely innocent and worthy.
-she is a force for good in this world and the world is better with her in it.
Find a way to very gently state these things or float these ideas as necessary.
posted by quincunx at 9:19 PM on November 19, 2014
-Family is not just nuclear but extended, in the extreme extended to the whole human race. Nuclear families are not really enough by themselves in the "natural" sense; this is a modern idea (it takes a village)
-it is is shame that her mother did not want her (don't actually say that part) but emphasize that she has a life force of her own, that she herself struggled to survive as all living things do. She in some senses wills herself to being and thriving; this can be enough. A parent only aids this already existing individual life force.
-she has agency. She is an adult now. She has power.
-the past is the past. It is already over. There is no changing the past, only the future.
-harming/doubting herself will only double the pain for no reason. Greatly emphasize this.
-what would she do if someone else was in her position? Obviously, think they were completely innocent and worthy.
-she is a force for good in this world and the world is better with her in it.
Find a way to very gently state these things or float these ideas as necessary.
posted by quincunx at 9:19 PM on November 19, 2014
I think you should just express what you're really thinking and feeling. She was honest with you, so just be honest back. Maybe your honest reaction won't be perfect, but if she's known you long enough and trusts you enough to share this information with you, then I think it's a fair bet that she values your perspective, and wants to hear what you really think. In my case the most honest reaction would be something like, "That's horrible that that happened to your mom. Is it difficult to have something like that weighing on you, or do you feel like you've come to terms with it? Well, however you were conceived, I'm happy you're here, and I'm happy you're my friend."
posted by sam_harms at 12:48 AM on November 20, 2014
posted by sam_harms at 12:48 AM on November 20, 2014
Your ask is really short. If you have no more information than you have given us, here are some of the things I think about:
I might ask if her mother is estranged maybe because of the unfortunate beginning to their relationship (the way she was conceived). If so, I might try to communicate my view that they both are victims of this crime and it sounds to me like their relationship is a casualty of it as well.
I also would ask how they feel, if they want to discuss it and that sort of thing. And, yes, try to be accepting if they express strong, negative emotion and try to validate their right to feel whatever they feel and not try to "make them feel better" or that kind of thing. When I am very wrapped around the axle, my oldest son sometimes says things like "Wow, you sure are angry about that." That exact line might be the wrong thing to say here but my point is he doesn't feel a need to make me bottle up my feelings, he doesn't express any feeling of his own one way or the other, he doesn't feel some need to make me feel better, etc. He just validates "You really have big feelings about this." And that is one of the best experiences I have had for some of my negative feelings -- just to feel heard that, yeah, I have huge, bad feelings and it's okay and understandable and it isn't a big burden to him.
Try to not make your friend feel like they have hurt you in some way by telling you. When I was younger, I buttonholed anyone who would listen to me to talk about having been molested and raped. After a few years of that, I realized I was traumatizing some folks. They found it really hard to hear and they felt injured by the revelation. And that was just a new reason for me to feel bad. I wasn't telling people in order to hurt them and now I felt like I had just spread the trauma. If you want to be supportive, try to not make this person feel like this is a big painful burden for you. Instead, if you can do so at all sincerely, thank them for trusting you enough to share something so personal.
Best of luck.
posted by Michele in California at 12:12 PM on November 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
I might ask if her mother is estranged maybe because of the unfortunate beginning to their relationship (the way she was conceived). If so, I might try to communicate my view that they both are victims of this crime and it sounds to me like their relationship is a casualty of it as well.
I also would ask how they feel, if they want to discuss it and that sort of thing. And, yes, try to be accepting if they express strong, negative emotion and try to validate their right to feel whatever they feel and not try to "make them feel better" or that kind of thing. When I am very wrapped around the axle, my oldest son sometimes says things like "Wow, you sure are angry about that." That exact line might be the wrong thing to say here but my point is he doesn't feel a need to make me bottle up my feelings, he doesn't express any feeling of his own one way or the other, he doesn't feel some need to make me feel better, etc. He just validates "You really have big feelings about this." And that is one of the best experiences I have had for some of my negative feelings -- just to feel heard that, yeah, I have huge, bad feelings and it's okay and understandable and it isn't a big burden to him.
Try to not make your friend feel like they have hurt you in some way by telling you. When I was younger, I buttonholed anyone who would listen to me to talk about having been molested and raped. After a few years of that, I realized I was traumatizing some folks. They found it really hard to hear and they felt injured by the revelation. And that was just a new reason for me to feel bad. I wasn't telling people in order to hurt them and now I felt like I had just spread the trauma. If you want to be supportive, try to not make this person feel like this is a big painful burden for you. Instead, if you can do so at all sincerely, thank them for trusting you enough to share something so personal.
Best of luck.
posted by Michele in California at 12:12 PM on November 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
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posted by nebulawindphone at 8:18 PM on November 19, 2014 [38 favorites]