Family friend's funeral tomorrow. Should I fly in?

November 15, 2014 8:46 AM

I am remarkably conflicted on whether to buy a plane ticket to attend a family friend's funeral tomorrow. Obviously I have to make this decision soon but I'm really struggling.

A family friend passed away this week very suddenly. This friend is my parents' age and my parents have been friends with the couple since before I was born. Their kids are about my age. So I feel very connected to this family - but at the same time I was never extremely close friends with any of them, just family friends/acquaintances. So family friends, but not an especially deep bond. At this point I only see them once every 3-4 years, so we're fairly out-of-touch.

There are no practical impediments to me going. Not that money should decide things like this, but plane tickets are available and remarkably cheap for a last-minute flight so I can afford it, and my flexible work schedule will let me travel back next week. So this is really up to my decision, there aren't practical reasons to stay or go.

I really want to go and attend the funeral, and it's hard to articulate why. My parents are sad at the loss of their friend, but they are each other's support and are doing fine so they don't really need me there. When I talked to them today they said it's my decision and they don't have a strong opinion on whether I should come. I'd like to go support the family - particularly the kids who are close to my age - but they have lots of family and friends already in town who are emotionally closer to them so they don't really need me there. Really, I would go, attend the funeral, and briefly interact with the family, then leave them with their support network. I went to school with the kids but they have many closer friends than me in the area. Since I'm not especially close with any of them no one needs me there. Honestly I'd feel weird, like people would wonder why I bothered flying in on short notice to pay my respects to someone I'm not especially close to.

But I'm still feeling really compelled to go just to quietly attend the funeral, briefly express my condolences to our family friends, then get out of the way. This is a family friend and great person that I've known my whole life, even if we haven't interacted in years and only sporadically before that. I've known their kids my whole life too and just want to show my face for a little while to let them know I'm thinking about their family. If the roles were reversed and they traveled to show up for my parent's funeral I'd be deeply touched even though we haven't seen each other in a long time. But at the same time, I feel like it's an overwrought gesture to fly in for the funeral and I'll stick out and leave them wondering "why did Tehhund come in? Was he really that close with our dad?"

I guess I'm wondering - is it weird to go to lengths to attend a funeral for someone you care about and respect, even if you weren't especially close to them and their family? I guess this is more of a "send a card" level of closeness. Except by not going, I feel like I'm distancing myself from them and not paying my respects.

posted by Tehhund to Human Relations (39 answers total)

I don't think it's weird, and I think you should go. You don't need an excuse to attend a funeral. Nobody is ever going to be bothered that you went to great lengths to attend their family-member's funeral. You want to go, there are no significant barriers preventing you from going, so you should go.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 8:50 AM on November 15, 2014 [21 favorites]

It's up to you...I made a point of rearranging my plans to go to the funeral of the woman who was a de facto mother to me when she died in July.
posted by brujita at 8:50 AM on November 15, 2014

It sounds like this person was more your parents' friend than yours, right? In that case, I wouldn't worry about it: your parents are going, so your family is represented. I know you said this person's kids are about your own age, but unless those kids were your friends --- not just "my parents' friend's kids" --- I think you're okay either way.
posted by easily confused at 8:51 AM on November 15, 2014 [4 favorites]

If it's not a trouble work or money wise to go then I would go. Even if you can't articulate why you feel you should go that doesn't mean that feeling isn't valid. If I was you I would go if even just to support my parents after the loss of their friend.
posted by julie_of_the_jungle at 8:52 AM on November 15, 2014 [9 favorites]

You're overthinking this. You don't need to go, you're not obligated to go, and I guarantee you that you coming or not coming is going to be very, very far from what the family is thinking about. It's not about you. Send a card and flowers and maybe write an email or text to more immediately express your condolences. That's enough for someone with your level of closeness.
posted by The Michael The at 8:53 AM on November 15, 2014 [2 favorites]

Best answer: I think you should indulge your impulse. You don't have to be close to someone in order for them to be important to you. I would not see this as an overly dramatic gesture as long as you do it as quietly and minimally as you detailed above. There is nothing to be lost for making an effort to pay your respects. Your parents, and their kids will appreciate it, and you'll have satisfied yourself as well.
posted by Cold Lurkey at 8:54 AM on November 15, 2014 [20 favorites]

Even if you aren't interacting a bunch it's reassuring for the family members to see you there. I would go.
posted by vapidave at 8:55 AM on November 15, 2014 [4 favorites]

Clearly, you want to go (using your own words...to show your respect). It is an opportunity to tell your friends/family that this person's life means/meant something significant to you. It is a unique event that won't be repeated.
posted by naplesyellow at 8:56 AM on November 15, 2014 [7 favorites]

Also, part of the reason that you want to go might be so that you can see your parents, because the sudden loss of their friend is a reminder of their own mortality. And that's ok, too.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 8:56 AM on November 15, 2014 [13 favorites]

You say you want to go. You should go.
posted by modofo at 8:56 AM on November 15, 2014 [13 favorites]

You may find this useful: Always Go to the Funeral.
posted by posyblue at 8:57 AM on November 15, 2014 [30 favorites]

Go. I had a similar situation last year and went - and you know, I was really broken up about it, out of proportion to how close I had been to the family in recent years. I was glad I went. The family was glad I went. The kids have plenty on their plate and they will not be second-guessing anyone's kind gesture. They'll be touched that you made the effort, exactly as you say, to pay your respects to someone you've known your whole life. Family friends we've grown up with are important, it's a loss for you too, and it's a chance to show the kids that other people loved and will miss their parent. You don't have to explain it to anyone - it's a good impulse you're having to go. Follow it, you won't regret going.
posted by LobsterMitten at 8:59 AM on November 15, 2014 [6 favorites]

I think this is an example of the maxim "you only regret what you don't do." It's unlikely you will regret going, but you might regret not going. You want to, you have the time and the means, and if your only concern is people wondering why you went then don't worry - no one would question you attending the funeral of a family friend. Follow your impulse, go and pay your respects, and hug your parents extra hard.
posted by billiebee at 9:01 AM on November 15, 2014 [8 favorites]

They're not going to quiz you on why you're there. Always go to the funeral.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:02 AM on November 15, 2014 [4 favorites]

The people that stand out in my memory of my grandfather's funeral were the people I didn't expect to see. There were many people who came to support my mom who didn't know my grandfather much and hadn't been super close to my mom. It was touching that those people came out to show their support. Our family really appreciated everyone who came out.
posted by Swisstine at 9:05 AM on November 15, 2014 [11 favorites]

Your presence is only going to be a blip to the family, but that's okay. If it's not a hardship and you want to go, go. Spend a little time with your folks, catch up with anyone else who's around.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:05 AM on November 15, 2014 [3 favorites]

When my mother died many years ago, several friends of mine, including folks I hadn't seen in years, who knew her, made a point of coming to the service. To this day, I still remember exactly who came, and I still feel really good about the fact that my mother made such a profound impression on so many people. I was really touched, and it meant a lot to me, even if I didn't get a chance to say so at the time.

In addition, the saying "funerals are more for the living than for the dead," isn't just about the fact that we go to funerals to support family members who are grieving. Human beings crave ritual, and it sounds as though you personally feel a pull to perform that ritual for this person. I think that if you feel that feeling, you should honor that feeling. It doesn't matter whether you or anyone else understands why you feel that way, but I think you should go if you feel like you want to.
posted by decathecting at 9:07 AM on November 15, 2014 [24 favorites]

Totally not weird. Yes you should go; funerals are for the people attending them, and you feel you should be there, and your presence won't cause any distress for anyone else there. So yes, go and say goodbye to someone who was important to you.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:08 AM on November 15, 2014 [2 favorites]

Just another vote to say that if you can go and you want to go you should go. I had a relative pass away prematurely a few years ago, and many people reached out or showed up who I wouldn't necessarily have expected. For every single one, I thought "how touching!" and not "how weird!"
posted by willbaude at 9:11 AM on November 15, 2014 [7 favorites]

You want to go, you can go, so you should go. Go.

We tend to trivialize ritual in mainstream US culture, but ritual is important. Reaffirming your connections to your family and your community during a difficult time is important. Showing that relationships matter to you and your family is important. Participating in activities that affirm the importance of those connections is important.

Go.
posted by jaguar at 9:13 AM on November 15, 2014 [9 favorites]

Go!
posted by mumimor at 9:13 AM on November 15, 2014 [2 favorites]

If you want to go, go.

But I don't think there's any obligation at all to attend.
posted by Brian Puccio at 9:17 AM on November 15, 2014 [2 favorites]

A former co-worker's mother died last year. I had never met her mother, but I went to the funeral. Former co-worker still thanks me for coming every time we speak.

I would go.
posted by mogget at 9:21 AM on November 15, 2014 [7 favorites]

Just because you weren't close doesn't means they weren't important to you.

Not to diminish the fact that this is a funeral, but to put the travel arrangements in perspective: How many people make last-minute schedule and travel arrangements to attend, say, the World Series or the Super Bowl or a surprise concert by their favorite artist? When something important to you is happening, it's normal to adjust your plans so that you can participate.
posted by samthemander at 9:37 AM on November 15, 2014 [2 favorites]

If the roles were reversed and they traveled to show up for my parent's funeral I'd be deeply touched even though we haven't seen each other in a long time. But at the same time, I feel like it's an overwrought gesture to fly in for the funeral and I'll stick out and leave them wondering "why did Tehhund come in? Was he really that close with our dad?"

Please go - the best interpretation of your attendance ('touching respect') is so very much better than your worst (that it's 'weird') that it's really worth the risk, and it's something you even want to do. There's no contest, you should go.

The fact you don't see the family that often means nothing. We have so many people in our lives who mean or have meant a lot to us on various levels whom we see rarely because of distance or whatever.

Also, like with weddings, you attend funerals not necessarily for the person who died but because of your relationship with the family in general. So don't feel like someone's going to question your closeness to the deceased man.
posted by Dragonness at 9:40 AM on November 15, 2014 [2 favorites]

Go be there quietly for your parents. Take care of them and feed them and listen to their stories. Go where they go, leave when they leave. Help them be a support to their close friends by being the person to relieve their burden of grief.
posted by chapps at 9:50 AM on November 15, 2014 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: Thanks all. I decided to go and bought the tickets. I'll quietly pay my respects to a great person and their family. And I'll bear in mind that the family have bigger things going on than talking to me or thinking about why I attended. I want to go, and I would be touched if the roles were reversed, so it seems like the right thing to do. If anyone thinks that it's odd that I went out of my way to grieve for someone I knew and show my support for their family, there's not much I can do any that, and it seems unlikely anyone would think that anyway.
posted by Tehhund at 9:53 AM on November 15, 2014 [38 favorites]

I'm glad you're going. When my father-in-law died, some of mine and my husband's friends (all of us in our early-to-mid-twenties) came a longish way for the funeral and we were very, very touched by their presence.
posted by cooker girl at 10:00 AM on November 15, 2014 [4 favorites]

I don't think it's weird for you to want to go. When there are no practical impediments, I think it's always right to indulge these types of feelings. Indulging them may actually help you understand them better, and process them more effectively. And, I think the kids would be touched to know that their parent had a big impact on your life as well as their own.
posted by vignettist at 10:25 AM on November 15, 2014 [3 favorites]

I too am glad you're going. Not that you're doing it for this reason, but - everyone is going to think highly of your appearance there for many years to come.
posted by doctor tough love at 10:55 AM on November 15, 2014 [2 favorites]

Yeah, I doubt you'll regret going, but sounds like you would regret not going.
posted by cjorgensen at 10:59 AM on November 15, 2014 [4 favorites]

Think of minor characters in a police procedural -- so minor they don't even have a name -- or *pauses, checks out profile* minor paving stones in a rock path. They flesh things out, help things feel more real and more grounded and authentic.

You've enlisted for a walk-on role! Good for you! It's pretty much the opposite of an "overwrought gesture".
posted by feral_goldfish at 11:03 AM on November 15, 2014 [3 favorites]

Thank you for going. There wouldn't have been anything wrong if you hadn't gone, but the people who came to my father's funeral that I didn't expect to see were very special to me.

I know people have said that the family doesn't remember who goes to the funeral, but for me it really helped with the grieving process to know how many people had been touched by my dad's life and how important he had been to them.
posted by winna at 11:52 AM on November 15, 2014 [4 favorites]

You know, this is going to sound a little strange.

A couple of years ago, a person in my community who I always liked, but did not know very well, died suddenly. It was a busy time in my life: I could have gone to the funeral, but I had other things to do, and I didn't. And after the funeral took place, for some weeks, I felt bad about not going -- not guilty, not angry at myself, but notably more regretful about not attending the funeral than I had anticipated, or than I could reasonably have anticipated.

And I just read this thread, and thought: "My gosh, I'm glad Tehhund is going to that funeral!"
posted by Mr. Justice at 12:14 PM on November 15, 2014 [9 favorites]

I too, am really glad you're going. When my dad died some people showed up who only had a passing connection to him but wanted to pay their respects - some of them coming in from out of state. It meant a lot to me to see them there and to talk with them briefly after the service.
posted by rogerrogerwhatsyourrvectorvicto at 12:24 PM on November 15, 2014 [5 favorites]

My grandmother died last year and there were not a lot of people we expected to be there at the funeral--just my mom (her primary caretaker for the last few years), my dad, my siblings, and maybe a couple local cousins.

Instead, a bunch of people showed up who had probably the same level of closeness, or less, that you had to this family friend. Out-of-state childhood friend of my mom's who hadn't seen my mom or grandmother in decades. Friends of my dad's who had stopped by the house and met my grandmother a couple times towards the end of her life. Volunteer who had taken her out occasionally when she still lived in her house, who had not seen her in a couple years. Etc. There was a full room.

There was not a single time, even with people I had never met before, that any of us wondered what they were doing there. Instead, it was immensely touching to realize that my grandmother had left such an impression on so many people (even when she had dementia and wouldn't have learned who they were!). We were nothing but grateful for anyone who showed up.
posted by picardythird at 12:47 PM on November 15, 2014 [5 favorites]

Send some flowers and a card, and then stay home. The disruption to your schedule and the expense is simply not warranted for someone who was an acquaintance.
posted by brownrd at 1:11 PM on November 15, 2014

Glad you're going. When you get back, please let us know how it went and how you're doing.
posted by Jacqueline at 12:44 AM on November 16, 2014 [3 favorites]

Response by poster: Reporting back for future readers in my situation: I'm very glad I went. I'm glad I paid my respects in person, and the family seemed touched that I came.
posted by Tehhund at 5:38 AM on April 14, 2015 [4 favorites]