Finding out about a half-sibling from a parent's affair
November 8, 2014 1:58 AM Subscribe
25-year-old woman here. My father confessed I have a 21-year-old half-sister that he had from a long affair. A half-sister he is in touch with and still, in some ways, financially supporting. I'm having a hard time processing this.
My father and mother never separated but fought a lot and had a very dysfunctional marriage. Mother knew of the affair, but only that it was brief and didn’t result in a child. Mother died 4 years ago, and father went above and beyond to care for her after she was diagnosed and up until her last months. Mother and I were very close.
Father made the confession because the half-sister wants to be acknowledged by our family. Half-sister has met my older brother when she flew to visit my father and stay at his house recently, and older brother has become fond of her after knowing of and meeting her for the first time. They are now constantly communicating via text and Facebook.
I am not sure how to process this. On the one hand I feel betrayed and hurt, most especially for my mother, who really deserved a better husband and a better life. On the other hand I feel like I should be more sympathetic towards the half-sister. She seems nice, but I really want nothing to do with her because she will always be a painful reminder of my father’s infidelity. I just don't want to meet her, or even have her around for the holidays. But since my brother likes her, he'll most likely convince my father to invite her to family gatherings in the future. I might end up coming off as the narrow-minded, bitter, unforgiving one if I don't embrace her as part of the family.
How would you feel if you were in this situation? How would you navigate it?
Many thanks for reading. Any input will be much appreciated.
My father and mother never separated but fought a lot and had a very dysfunctional marriage. Mother knew of the affair, but only that it was brief and didn’t result in a child. Mother died 4 years ago, and father went above and beyond to care for her after she was diagnosed and up until her last months. Mother and I were very close.
Father made the confession because the half-sister wants to be acknowledged by our family. Half-sister has met my older brother when she flew to visit my father and stay at his house recently, and older brother has become fond of her after knowing of and meeting her for the first time. They are now constantly communicating via text and Facebook.
I am not sure how to process this. On the one hand I feel betrayed and hurt, most especially for my mother, who really deserved a better husband and a better life. On the other hand I feel like I should be more sympathetic towards the half-sister. She seems nice, but I really want nothing to do with her because she will always be a painful reminder of my father’s infidelity. I just don't want to meet her, or even have her around for the holidays. But since my brother likes her, he'll most likely convince my father to invite her to family gatherings in the future. I might end up coming off as the narrow-minded, bitter, unforgiving one if I don't embrace her as part of the family.
How would you feel if you were in this situation? How would you navigate it?
Many thanks for reading. Any input will be much appreciated.
I guess I would hope that if I were in your position that I would just try to accept it and get to know her since it's too late to change anything, and it's no good to stay angry or avoidant. I'm sure she doesn't like being the child of a guy who impregnated her mom while he was still married to another woman and then didn't tell his kids from the marriage about her. I'm sure she felt lonely and hurt as a child.
You should be mad at your dad, for sure, but I think you have to accept that the half sister is blameless and she's not going to cease to exist just because you don't want to be reminded your dad cheated. And cheating on your mom didn't mean that your dad loved the other woman more or at all; it means your dad was a huge asshole to 2 women and had 2 families.
posted by discopolo at 2:33 AM on November 8, 2014 [45 favorites]
You should be mad at your dad, for sure, but I think you have to accept that the half sister is blameless and she's not going to cease to exist just because you don't want to be reminded your dad cheated. And cheating on your mom didn't mean that your dad loved the other woman more or at all; it means your dad was a huge asshole to 2 women and had 2 families.
posted by discopolo at 2:33 AM on November 8, 2014 [45 favorites]
I've been in a kinda similar situation. When I was in my late 20's, my mother confessed that she'd had a baby, fathered by not-my-bio-dad, two years after I was born, and I never knew. She'd told her (third) husband before they were married when I was a teenager, and everyone else in the family knew all along... except me. She only told me because another family member threatened to, during a massive argument. To rub salt into the wound, I was an only child. Or I thought I was.
To cut a long painful story short, they eventually met. I was left out of the equation until he asked about siblings. (I'd engineered the fucking meeting, for Christ's sake, filled in the forms for her to apply for contact, I was behind her the whole way, even though she dropped this bombshell on me over the phone when I was in a supermarket carpark.)
I was an afterthought, my mother lied to him about us having different fathers, and she's never heard from him since, despite sending gifts and money at Christmas and whatnot.
With the benefit of my background, I feel qualified to say this: you can feel however you want to feel, and you can choose not to be part of this 'happy blended family' if you don't want to.
You can take the high road, and at least meet her. You might like her. That would be what I would do, with the benefit of my hindsight. She's possibly equally as freaked out as you. I'd give it a chance.
But do not feel bad if you choose not to meet her. Just be polite about it. "Sorry, dad, she's a bad reminder of the shitty marriage my mother had, so I won't be meeting her."
posted by malibustacey9999 at 2:35 AM on November 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
To cut a long painful story short, they eventually met. I was left out of the equation until he asked about siblings. (I'd engineered the fucking meeting, for Christ's sake, filled in the forms for her to apply for contact, I was behind her the whole way, even though she dropped this bombshell on me over the phone when I was in a supermarket carpark.)
I was an afterthought, my mother lied to him about us having different fathers, and she's never heard from him since, despite sending gifts and money at Christmas and whatnot.
With the benefit of my background, I feel qualified to say this: you can feel however you want to feel, and you can choose not to be part of this 'happy blended family' if you don't want to.
You can take the high road, and at least meet her. You might like her. That would be what I would do, with the benefit of my hindsight. She's possibly equally as freaked out as you. I'd give it a chance.
But do not feel bad if you choose not to meet her. Just be polite about it. "Sorry, dad, she's a bad reminder of the shitty marriage my mother had, so I won't be meeting her."
posted by malibustacey9999 at 2:35 AM on November 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
I have never been in this kind of a situation, and I imagine that it's very difficult. I will say, however, from your question that it seems you think you either need to become BFF with her, or avoid meeting her forever, but I don't think it has to be this black and white. I think there would be nothing wrong with meeting her and being cordial and welcoming, but that doesn't necessarily mean that you have force a close relationship with her if you're not feeling it. Simply being related to people doesn't mean you have to be close.
posted by Enchanting Grasshopper at 2:54 AM on November 8, 2014 [10 favorites]
posted by Enchanting Grasshopper at 2:54 AM on November 8, 2014 [10 favorites]
She seems nice, but I really want nothing to do with her because she will always be a painful reminder of my father’s infidelity
It seems like your father's infidelity is going to haunt you for a while regardless of whether you meet/like/build a relationship with her. On the other hand, you might meet her and discover that she's a lovely person, or not, but a person nonetheless, not just a vessel for your sense of betrayal. A lot of people have already been hurt by this situation and there's no reversing that. She's reached out, your brother is becoming close to her. This isn't a situation where you know of her existence and are "wondering" about her. She's a part of your life now, like it or not. Pushing her away without giving her a chance would be unkind, I think, and only create more hurt feelings.
posted by acidic at 2:54 AM on November 8, 2014 [6 favorites]
It seems like your father's infidelity is going to haunt you for a while regardless of whether you meet/like/build a relationship with her. On the other hand, you might meet her and discover that she's a lovely person, or not, but a person nonetheless, not just a vessel for your sense of betrayal. A lot of people have already been hurt by this situation and there's no reversing that. She's reached out, your brother is becoming close to her. This isn't a situation where you know of her existence and are "wondering" about her. She's a part of your life now, like it or not. Pushing her away without giving her a chance would be unkind, I think, and only create more hurt feelings.
posted by acidic at 2:54 AM on November 8, 2014 [6 favorites]
"Acknowledging" her doesn't mean you have to be best friends. With this type of situation, my experience is that most people understand how awkward it is and are respectful of the fact that everyone handles that awkwardness differently. The best thing you can do is try to strike a balance between respecting your feelings/maintaining your boundaries and recognizing that you're not the only person in this situation with raw emotions.
About a year after my mother died, my dad started seeing a woman who struck me, and my sisters, as kind of needy and manipulative. No major red flags, she seemed nice enough, but she did seem in an awful hurry to get into something committed with him--more out of general insecurity than any sinister intent. For a while, her tack with that included trying to get close to all of us. In my case, this meant sending birthday cards that would say "hope you had a good one" and then spend five paragraphs prattling about her son and her grandchildren--who I still, to this day, have never met, and about whom I frankly couldn't give a skunk's asshole if I were getting government subsidies for it.
None of us liked this, and we all, in our own ways, made it passively clear that we accepted her and were glad she was in his life but that we were not interested in being adopted into her family. She, and my dad, eventually figured this out, and since then things have been cordial: we're polite, even friendly sometimes; but there are boundaries on all sides and we do our best to respect them. She doesn't act like a gatekeeper for access to our dad, and we don't treat her like some sort of impostor queen.
Anyway: I'm sure the infidelity must add a whole other layer of awkwardness to your situation, and I'm sorry you have to deal with that. But I really think Enchanting Grasshopper has the right idea: meet her; avoid touchy subjects; get to know her; reevaluate how you feel after you've met her. But be clear to you dad (and your brother, if you're reading him right (I suspect you may not be)) that this situation kicks up a lot of painful stuff and you don't want her forced down your throat. That doesn't necessarily mean you get your way all the time--and yes, you might have to choose between politely opting out of some family holidays and sitting through them with her, if that's a dealbreaker for you--but it does mean that you'll have made your feelings clear without stepping on anyone else's.
Also, how is your relationship with your dad and your brother overall? Are you emotionally open with each other? If so, I think it's totally in-bounds to try to talk to them about how you feel about all this--especially how it makes you feel about your mom. This doesn't mean you get accusatory or give them emotional ultimatums; it just means you tell them what you're feeling, let them do the same, and try to accept each other. It's likely that they're dealing with a lot of painful feelings too and could stand to discuss them openly with someone they love and trust.
posted by urufu at 3:34 AM on November 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
About a year after my mother died, my dad started seeing a woman who struck me, and my sisters, as kind of needy and manipulative. No major red flags, she seemed nice enough, but she did seem in an awful hurry to get into something committed with him--more out of general insecurity than any sinister intent. For a while, her tack with that included trying to get close to all of us. In my case, this meant sending birthday cards that would say "hope you had a good one" and then spend five paragraphs prattling about her son and her grandchildren--who I still, to this day, have never met, and about whom I frankly couldn't give a skunk's asshole if I were getting government subsidies for it.
None of us liked this, and we all, in our own ways, made it passively clear that we accepted her and were glad she was in his life but that we were not interested in being adopted into her family. She, and my dad, eventually figured this out, and since then things have been cordial: we're polite, even friendly sometimes; but there are boundaries on all sides and we do our best to respect them. She doesn't act like a gatekeeper for access to our dad, and we don't treat her like some sort of impostor queen.
Anyway: I'm sure the infidelity must add a whole other layer of awkwardness to your situation, and I'm sorry you have to deal with that. But I really think Enchanting Grasshopper has the right idea: meet her; avoid touchy subjects; get to know her; reevaluate how you feel after you've met her. But be clear to you dad (and your brother, if you're reading him right (I suspect you may not be)) that this situation kicks up a lot of painful stuff and you don't want her forced down your throat. That doesn't necessarily mean you get your way all the time--and yes, you might have to choose between politely opting out of some family holidays and sitting through them with her, if that's a dealbreaker for you--but it does mean that you'll have made your feelings clear without stepping on anyone else's.
Also, how is your relationship with your dad and your brother overall? Are you emotionally open with each other? If so, I think it's totally in-bounds to try to talk to them about how you feel about all this--especially how it makes you feel about your mom. This doesn't mean you get accusatory or give them emotional ultimatums; it just means you tell them what you're feeling, let them do the same, and try to accept each other. It's likely that they're dealing with a lot of painful feelings too and could stand to discuss them openly with someone they love and trust.
posted by urufu at 3:34 AM on November 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
It sounds like you have just found this out, it must be a big shock. Don't feel the need to make any decisions just yet. Don't let anyone rush you into contacting or meeting her, just sit with it for a while and get used to the idea. You've gone 21 years without meeting her, a month or two (or six or twelve) more won't hurt. Your other family members have a relationship with her so hopefully for now that will be enough for them and they won't feel like you have to get together and start braiding each other's hair right this minute. Be kind to yourself, talk to a trusted friend about it and wait a while until the dust settles. Then you'll know what to do.
posted by Jubey at 3:41 AM on November 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 3:41 AM on November 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
People are complicated and imperfect. It seems your father, even though he was certainly an asshole, really loved your mother and cared for her when she was ill. In the same way, even though it was really shitty of him to have an affair, he took responsibility and cared for his child as he should. Was he a coward and an idiot to not tell about it? Yes he was. But it happened, and now the half-sister is a reality that you cannot make disappear.
In my experience, people who refuse to forgive others for their sins are also very hard on themselves - maybe you need to forgive your father for your own sake, so you may also be forgiven (by yourself) if you do something stupid some time.
It seems your mother forgave him, since she didn't get a divorce when she first found out about the affair. And even though you and your mother were close, and you miss her, maybe she didn't tell you every detail about their relationship. Maybe there were dimensions to this you will never know. Even though I am very close with my adult daughter, I don't tell her everything about my relationship with her father - it would be wrong in so many ways..
This isn't about your relationship with your half sister. She is completely innocent of whatever your father did or didn't. This is about your relationship with your father. I really understand how and why you are angry with him, I would be too, if he were my father. And what you need to do is to figure out how to live with that anger. Maybe it is him you need to distance yourself from for a while? I wouldn't do that, but I know for some, it might be necessary.
Personally, I experienced something in the same vein. My stepfather and my mother had a terrible relationship. He regularly beat her up. They always fought. It was scary and horrible and naturally, I worried for my mother and despised my stepfather, in spite of his continuous attempts, for 20+ years to tell me he loved me like he loved his own children.
Well, finally they divorced, I was relieved, my mother was hurt and angry, and for some reason I have now forgotten, I joined him and my half-siblings on a road-trip for a holiday. And during long hours in the car, while the kids were sleeping in the back, he told me how he understood his life and their marriage. He didn't attempt to excuse his wrongdoings at all. He just explained what he felt and had felt during all those years. For me, that helped me forgive him. He became real in my eyes. He'll never be like my dad, but I do care for him and wish him the best in life.
posted by mumimor at 4:00 AM on November 8, 2014 [10 favorites]
In my experience, people who refuse to forgive others for their sins are also very hard on themselves - maybe you need to forgive your father for your own sake, so you may also be forgiven (by yourself) if you do something stupid some time.
It seems your mother forgave him, since she didn't get a divorce when she first found out about the affair. And even though you and your mother were close, and you miss her, maybe she didn't tell you every detail about their relationship. Maybe there were dimensions to this you will never know. Even though I am very close with my adult daughter, I don't tell her everything about my relationship with her father - it would be wrong in so many ways..
This isn't about your relationship with your half sister. She is completely innocent of whatever your father did or didn't. This is about your relationship with your father. I really understand how and why you are angry with him, I would be too, if he were my father. And what you need to do is to figure out how to live with that anger. Maybe it is him you need to distance yourself from for a while? I wouldn't do that, but I know for some, it might be necessary.
Personally, I experienced something in the same vein. My stepfather and my mother had a terrible relationship. He regularly beat her up. They always fought. It was scary and horrible and naturally, I worried for my mother and despised my stepfather, in spite of his continuous attempts, for 20+ years to tell me he loved me like he loved his own children.
Well, finally they divorced, I was relieved, my mother was hurt and angry, and for some reason I have now forgotten, I joined him and my half-siblings on a road-trip for a holiday. And during long hours in the car, while the kids were sleeping in the back, he told me how he understood his life and their marriage. He didn't attempt to excuse his wrongdoings at all. He just explained what he felt and had felt during all those years. For me, that helped me forgive him. He became real in my eyes. He'll never be like my dad, but I do care for him and wish him the best in life.
posted by mumimor at 4:00 AM on November 8, 2014 [10 favorites]
This situation is one for which people have little preparation and so fall back on patterning their behavior (or assuming that their reactions will follow the pattern) on how television and movie characters behave. So good for you, asking about real people's experiences! The reality is a paradox: the best way to stop thinking about her being the product of your father's infidelity is to spend time with her. She will become a person to you and you'll have many other details about her character and personality to layer over her biological pedigree. The knowledge will never go away, but it will recede: it won't be top of mind. If your brother's experience is a guide, setting aside GSA, you may even like her. Adult relationships with our siblings is a gift and yours with your brother will improve as a consequence too.
And since your mother is dead, you need not worry about her reaction or protect her or take her side: this is about loving your father (love is a verb) and getting to know what he is truly like as a person too. Adult relationships with our parents is a gift.
I can offer three examples from my family. In my case, my husband's first wife died and her family assumed I was evil, would monitor access to the offspring, etc. I am now incredibly close to her family and it didn't even take very long. In another branch, the parents and children routinely forget that the latter are adopted, e.g., "You have Uncle's eyes." "Thank you!" And in a Brady Bunch situation elsewhere in my family tree, the sibling alliances reformed based on personality and interests, not biology. In all three cases more exposure lead to better experiences and ultimately love.
posted by carmicha at 4:58 AM on November 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
And since your mother is dead, you need not worry about her reaction or protect her or take her side: this is about loving your father (love is a verb) and getting to know what he is truly like as a person too. Adult relationships with our parents is a gift.
I can offer three examples from my family. In my case, my husband's first wife died and her family assumed I was evil, would monitor access to the offspring, etc. I am now incredibly close to her family and it didn't even take very long. In another branch, the parents and children routinely forget that the latter are adopted, e.g., "You have Uncle's eyes." "Thank you!" And in a Brady Bunch situation elsewhere in my family tree, the sibling alliances reformed based on personality and interests, not biology. In all three cases more exposure lead to better experiences and ultimately love.
posted by carmicha at 4:58 AM on November 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
I have a half-sister that I have always known about, from my father's previous marriage. They had what must have been a traumatic relationship from her point of view (e.g. he kidnapped her in a custody battle, though soon brought her back). Her stepfather was abusive towards her.
They reconnected when she was an adult and I was in my early teens. I was delighted. A few years later she cut him off again because some of the things that were disturbing about him before were still disturbing.
Occasionally he learned about her significant life events via other family members. I have never met my nephew, who must be nine by now. When my father was terminally ill she sent him a brief but minimal and distant get well card.
I wrote her a condolence letter and tried to send her birthday and Christmas cards afterwards, but I felt terrible about pestering someone who clearly wanted nothing to do with me and I soon stopped. I think of how critical so many of my friends were about my relationship with my family over the years, and think how much more critical my half-sister would be entitled to be, how she had a right to think of me as spoiled and the undeserving recipient of resources that should have gone to her, while simultaneously in the wrong for being supportive (via my existence and continued close relationship with him; people telling me to forgive him completely or else to sever ties with him and I never did either) of someone who was unstable and at times abusive. I know I got the better end of the deal in life without ever being a particularly admirable human being. I know she didn't specifically reject me, but generally in life, I feel at the very core of my being that I would reject me, and this proves it. I also don't need more reminders that I'm living my life all wrong when it's a struggle to put one foot in front of the other my way may be wrong but it's what i can manage, but how could my own half-sister not have that opinion of me and not voice it, if we met again?
What I'm getting at here is, my half-sister has her own stuff to deal with and who am I to disturb her peace; and as for me, why would I solicit more rejection from someone who *rationally* and *logically* has no reason to despise me but *emotionally* probably does? It wouldn't be good for either of us.
If you can't feel wholeheartedly ready and willing to embrace your half-sister, I don't blame you, because the whole thing has got to be extremely upsetting and confusing for you despite not being in any way her fault. So forcing yourself to try to have a great relationship with her might not actually be a nice thing to do, if you don't feel it.
Yes, that's a pretty raw exposition of how I think and feel about the situation and if I were to talk more appropriately about it I would sound less crazy. That is, however, the raw unprocessed truth of how I feel about it, because that's what I think will be most informative for you.
posted by tel3path at 5:02 AM on November 8, 2014 [11 favorites]
They reconnected when she was an adult and I was in my early teens. I was delighted. A few years later she cut him off again because some of the things that were disturbing about him before were still disturbing.
Occasionally he learned about her significant life events via other family members. I have never met my nephew, who must be nine by now. When my father was terminally ill she sent him a brief but minimal and distant get well card.
I wrote her a condolence letter and tried to send her birthday and Christmas cards afterwards, but I felt terrible about pestering someone who clearly wanted nothing to do with me and I soon stopped. I think of how critical so many of my friends were about my relationship with my family over the years, and think how much more critical my half-sister would be entitled to be, how she had a right to think of me as spoiled and the undeserving recipient of resources that should have gone to her, while simultaneously in the wrong for being supportive (via my existence and continued close relationship with him; people telling me to forgive him completely or else to sever ties with him and I never did either) of someone who was unstable and at times abusive. I know I got the better end of the deal in life without ever being a particularly admirable human being. I know she didn't specifically reject me, but generally in life, I feel at the very core of my being that I would reject me, and this proves it. I also don't need more reminders that I'm living my life all wrong when it's a struggle to put one foot in front of the other my way may be wrong but it's what i can manage, but how could my own half-sister not have that opinion of me and not voice it, if we met again?
What I'm getting at here is, my half-sister has her own stuff to deal with and who am I to disturb her peace; and as for me, why would I solicit more rejection from someone who *rationally* and *logically* has no reason to despise me but *emotionally* probably does? It wouldn't be good for either of us.
If you can't feel wholeheartedly ready and willing to embrace your half-sister, I don't blame you, because the whole thing has got to be extremely upsetting and confusing for you despite not being in any way her fault. So forcing yourself to try to have a great relationship with her might not actually be a nice thing to do, if you don't feel it.
Yes, that's a pretty raw exposition of how I think and feel about the situation and if I were to talk more appropriately about it I would sound less crazy. That is, however, the raw unprocessed truth of how I feel about it, because that's what I think will be most informative for you.
posted by tel3path at 5:02 AM on November 8, 2014 [11 favorites]
She seems nice, but I really want nothing to do with her because she will always be a painful reminder of my father’s infidelity. I just don't want to meet her, or even have her around for the holidays. But since my brother likes her, he'll most likely convince my father to invite her to family gatherings in the future.Then just don't seek out her company, and at the times when you find yourself in her company anyway, treat her like the human she is. How would you treat your recently-discovered third cousin twice removed if she were to show up at Thanksgiving? I'm guessing you'd be nice, pleasant, but not suddenly feel like you have to be her BFF, and when Thanksgiving is over not feel that you have to actively stay in touch with her.
I might end up coming off as the narrow-minded, bitter, unforgiving one if I don't embrace her as part of the family.She has done nothing to deserve the cold shoulder from you, and she has absolutely not done anything that puts you in a position where you deserve the right to decide whether or not to forgive her. I understand that "unforgiving" here probably refers in your mind to your father, but she's the one you're taking it out on.
posted by Flunkie at 5:04 AM on November 8, 2014 [11 favorites]
It's not her fault your dad did this, but you already know that.
When I was a bit younger than you, I also was blindsided by finding out my father had three other kids I never knew about.
I ended up meeting them.
Honestly the only super weird thing was to meet these three strangers who looked a lot like me and who had my dad's mannerisms. It was weird, but they were all nice enough.
Long story short, we're only distant-cousin close now, which is to say it's Facebook and not even holiday cards. It's what we all wanted. My dad had this hope we would all become buddies and act like siblings, and it never happened. We met as adults, we never knew of each other growing up, and it never felt normal to become close to them.
I understand where you feel disloyal to your mom's memory by embracing her but I'm sure you realize that just like everyone else, we have no control over who our parents are. It's not her fault your dad did this, the same way it's not the fault of my halfsies that our dad couldn't keep it in his pants.
I like my halfsies enough because they're nice people, but they're not really my sisters and brothers.
They're just some people I'm related to and it's fine.
posted by kinetic at 5:13 AM on November 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
When I was a bit younger than you, I also was blindsided by finding out my father had three other kids I never knew about.
I ended up meeting them.
Honestly the only super weird thing was to meet these three strangers who looked a lot like me and who had my dad's mannerisms. It was weird, but they were all nice enough.
Long story short, we're only distant-cousin close now, which is to say it's Facebook and not even holiday cards. It's what we all wanted. My dad had this hope we would all become buddies and act like siblings, and it never happened. We met as adults, we never knew of each other growing up, and it never felt normal to become close to them.
I understand where you feel disloyal to your mom's memory by embracing her but I'm sure you realize that just like everyone else, we have no control over who our parents are. It's not her fault your dad did this, the same way it's not the fault of my halfsies that our dad couldn't keep it in his pants.
I like my halfsies enough because they're nice people, but they're not really my sisters and brothers.
They're just some people I'm related to and it's fine.
posted by kinetic at 5:13 AM on November 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
I had a boyfriend who was the child of an affair - basically in your half-sister's position.
He had a really difficult childhood because of this, with issues lasting into adulthood. Probably the hardest thing for him is the fact that his father's family, and his half-siblings, lived in the same town as his mom's family - in fact, his older cousins went to school and are friends with his half-brothers - but none of his father's family would acknowledge him. He reached out to his half-brothers and they weren't interested. He met his biological grandparents once when he was little and they were cold. He basically had this entire family just out of reach, but who spurned him because of his father's actions.
Your half sister is not to blame for your father's actions. Does it suck that he was cheating? YES. But you seem to have forgiven him.
So I would encourage you to have some compassion. You have a half-sister who wants to get to know you. You might end up hating her, you might end up loving her, you might end up non-chalant. But you'll never know if you don't give it a shot. You don't have an obligation to meet her, or be nice to her, or like her. But at this point you know about the infidelity. It hurts now, but it's hurt her for her whole life. It's probably a lot more meaningful for her to have family to meet, because she grew up without a father and with an entire family she didn't know. I know it's hard to look at from her point of view, and to be empathetic, but it could end up being therapeutic for both of you.
posted by Chaussette Fantoche at 6:24 AM on November 8, 2014 [25 favorites]
He had a really difficult childhood because of this, with issues lasting into adulthood. Probably the hardest thing for him is the fact that his father's family, and his half-siblings, lived in the same town as his mom's family - in fact, his older cousins went to school and are friends with his half-brothers - but none of his father's family would acknowledge him. He reached out to his half-brothers and they weren't interested. He met his biological grandparents once when he was little and they were cold. He basically had this entire family just out of reach, but who spurned him because of his father's actions.
Your half sister is not to blame for your father's actions. Does it suck that he was cheating? YES. But you seem to have forgiven him.
So I would encourage you to have some compassion. You have a half-sister who wants to get to know you. You might end up hating her, you might end up loving her, you might end up non-chalant. But you'll never know if you don't give it a shot. You don't have an obligation to meet her, or be nice to her, or like her. But at this point you know about the infidelity. It hurts now, but it's hurt her for her whole life. It's probably a lot more meaningful for her to have family to meet, because she grew up without a father and with an entire family she didn't know. I know it's hard to look at from her point of view, and to be empathetic, but it could end up being therapeutic for both of you.
posted by Chaussette Fantoche at 6:24 AM on November 8, 2014 [25 favorites]
I am not sure how to process this. On the one hand I feel betrayed and hurt, most especially for my mother, who really deserved a better husband and a better life. On the other hand I feel like I should be more sympathetic towards the half-sister. She seems nice, but I really want nothing to do with her because she will always be a painful reminder of my father’s infidelity. I just don't want to meet her, or even have her around for the holidays. But since my brother likes her, he'll most likely convince my father to invite her to family gatherings in the future. I might end up coming off as the narrow-minded, bitter, unforgiving one if I don't embrace her as part of the family.
How would you feel if you were in this situation? How would you navigate it?
I would be civil. Just because you share genetic material with someone doesn't mean you have to like them, but you should remember that this situation is none of her making. Just take it a day at a time and see how it goes. Hopefully she will not try to push the 'we're sisters!' angle too hard - if she did I'd think you would be justified in being more reserved than you would otherwise. But you won't know any of this until you do meet her.
Your parents' relationship was their concern, not yours. Don't let loyalty to the dead interfere with your relationship with the living.
posted by winna at 6:38 AM on November 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
How would you feel if you were in this situation? How would you navigate it?
I would be civil. Just because you share genetic material with someone doesn't mean you have to like them, but you should remember that this situation is none of her making. Just take it a day at a time and see how it goes. Hopefully she will not try to push the 'we're sisters!' angle too hard - if she did I'd think you would be justified in being more reserved than you would otherwise. But you won't know any of this until you do meet her.
Your parents' relationship was their concern, not yours. Don't let loyalty to the dead interfere with your relationship with the living.
posted by winna at 6:38 AM on November 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
What occurs between consenting adults is really of no concern of their offspring. I get that you're an adult now, and you can sit in judgement if you like, but I see no future in that. Meet the sibling. If you get along great. If not no one says you have to be friends. If you cut her out though I think you'd be punishing the wrong party (and I don't think the father needs punished).
People step out for all kinds of reasons. You said the marriage was't great. It might have sucked because of his affair, or the affair might have happened because the marriage sucked. Decisions made two decades ago when you were a child are something for you to process, but you can't change it and you can't live other people's lives.
posted by cjorgensen at 6:40 AM on November 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
People step out for all kinds of reasons. You said the marriage was't great. It might have sucked because of his affair, or the affair might have happened because the marriage sucked. Decisions made two decades ago when you were a child are something for you to process, but you can't change it and you can't live other people's lives.
posted by cjorgensen at 6:40 AM on November 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
Your mom's passed. Your dad was with her till the end and took good care of her. He must be a good person, despite having had a long term affair.
I know people don't usually consider "having a second family" to be a moral bright spot, but consider this -- he loved this other woman. Should he have forced her to get an abortion? Seems to me he did the best he could once the die was cast. People will say, he lied to your mom about the affair having been brief, but what would the consequences have been if he'd thrown the second family in her face? It would likely have destroyed the marriage and ultimately resulted in her dying alone, it sounds like.
I think your best shot at a happy resolution here -- for you -- is to forgive your father. Focus on the help he gave your mother when she needed it most. He is a fallible person as we all are, who's done the best he could for as many of his dependents as he could. And this girl, who knows? Whatever kind of person she's like, she is in your dad's life, so ignoring her won't make her not exist. Meet her, see what she's like, try to have some compassion for her weird station in life. Best case? You'll like her and she'll be an interesting friend to have. Worst case? You go back to not thinking about her, but in the meantime you will have done a major kindness to your father by extending this olive branch, and you'll sleep better at night.
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:41 AM on November 8, 2014 [5 favorites]
I know people don't usually consider "having a second family" to be a moral bright spot, but consider this -- he loved this other woman. Should he have forced her to get an abortion? Seems to me he did the best he could once the die was cast. People will say, he lied to your mom about the affair having been brief, but what would the consequences have been if he'd thrown the second family in her face? It would likely have destroyed the marriage and ultimately resulted in her dying alone, it sounds like.
I think your best shot at a happy resolution here -- for you -- is to forgive your father. Focus on the help he gave your mother when she needed it most. He is a fallible person as we all are, who's done the best he could for as many of his dependents as he could. And this girl, who knows? Whatever kind of person she's like, she is in your dad's life, so ignoring her won't make her not exist. Meet her, see what she's like, try to have some compassion for her weird station in life. Best case? You'll like her and she'll be an interesting friend to have. Worst case? You go back to not thinking about her, but in the meantime you will have done a major kindness to your father by extending this olive branch, and you'll sleep better at night.
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:41 AM on November 8, 2014 [5 favorites]
You can't know what went on inside your parents' marriage, and it's not your place to second-guess your mother's decisions. Maybe he was an awful husband, maybe he was a great one with a tragic flaw, maybe your mother was a terrible partner and your father is a saint for standing by her to the extent that he did. You lived in the same house, but you really, really can't know.
Not seeing your half-sister is punishing her for your father's shitty actions. She's already spent a lifetime being punished for it, though -- growing up without any access to half of her bio-family. You have the opportunity, not to erase what he's done, but to repair some of the damage inflicted on completely innocent parties. Why wouldn't you do that? This is between you and her, not between you and your dad.
posted by Andrhia at 6:55 AM on November 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
Not seeing your half-sister is punishing her for your father's shitty actions. She's already spent a lifetime being punished for it, though -- growing up without any access to half of her bio-family. You have the opportunity, not to erase what he's done, but to repair some of the damage inflicted on completely innocent parties. Why wouldn't you do that? This is between you and her, not between you and your dad.
posted by Andrhia at 6:55 AM on November 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
I have been in a similar position. My dad told me at 19 that I had a half-brother aged about 8 by the woman he left my mother for, (we didnt know this at the time) and who he is still with, but for reasons best known to himself he never acknowledged her to us for many years and so never acknowledged the child to us. It took a lot of processing. Like you, I felt bad for my mum who had thought she had given him his only son, for my brother who thought he was the youngest and the only boy, and for myself as my family narrative - "I have a sister and brother" - had been wrong for years. Like you, I knew the other child was blameless but I still didn't want to meet him for a long time, although my other siblings did. I just couldn't, though I still couldn't put my finger on exactly why. It just hurt too much.
Finally I met him years later, when he was about 18, because there was a dinner for my birthday and my dad just said "X is coming". (Not great at the whole communication thing, my Dad, much though I love him.) And I was glad it happened like that because tbh I'm not sure if I would ever have been ready to meet him if left to my own devices. I like him a lot now, and while we're not massively close, due mainly to an age gap and the fact we're very different in some ways, in other ways we're similar and have some things in common. So it's like I'm casual friends with someone who is the image of my dad and other brother - which in itself is strange and bittersweet but kind of nice too. Sometimes I regret not meeting him sooner, but I just accept that I wasn't ready and that's ok. It's a very confusing situation to be in.
I guess what I'm saying is don't feel the need to rush into anything. Your feelings are yours and you have every right to them. Yes, your half-sister is innocent in this, but so are you. Don't feel pressured to meet her on your own time as such, but at the same time if a meeting is engineered consider going along just to see what you feel. You might be surprised that the looming infidelity isn't actually as much of an issue as you'd think when presented with a flesh and blood person and not a symbol of your parents' marriage. But if you think "no way am I ready" then don't force yourself. You'll know when the time is right for you and we're all different.
I found therapy helpful in processing the anger and betrayal I felt, and you might too. And now that a long time has passed I can be grateful that there's another person in the world that I'm connected to, and another person that cares for my Dad. But it's much newer to you, so baby steps is fine. Take care.
posted by billiebee at 7:10 AM on November 8, 2014 [4 favorites]
Finally I met him years later, when he was about 18, because there was a dinner for my birthday and my dad just said "X is coming". (Not great at the whole communication thing, my Dad, much though I love him.) And I was glad it happened like that because tbh I'm not sure if I would ever have been ready to meet him if left to my own devices. I like him a lot now, and while we're not massively close, due mainly to an age gap and the fact we're very different in some ways, in other ways we're similar and have some things in common. So it's like I'm casual friends with someone who is the image of my dad and other brother - which in itself is strange and bittersweet but kind of nice too. Sometimes I regret not meeting him sooner, but I just accept that I wasn't ready and that's ok. It's a very confusing situation to be in.
I guess what I'm saying is don't feel the need to rush into anything. Your feelings are yours and you have every right to them. Yes, your half-sister is innocent in this, but so are you. Don't feel pressured to meet her on your own time as such, but at the same time if a meeting is engineered consider going along just to see what you feel. You might be surprised that the looming infidelity isn't actually as much of an issue as you'd think when presented with a flesh and blood person and not a symbol of your parents' marriage. But if you think "no way am I ready" then don't force yourself. You'll know when the time is right for you and we're all different.
I found therapy helpful in processing the anger and betrayal I felt, and you might too. And now that a long time has passed I can be grateful that there's another person in the world that I'm connected to, and another person that cares for my Dad. But it's much newer to you, so baby steps is fine. Take care.
posted by billiebee at 7:10 AM on November 8, 2014 [4 favorites]
I'm the new half-sister in my situation. My birth mother was forced to give me up for adoption, and she later went on to have three other children. They didn't know about me for many years, and last summer I found them. Maybe my experience has something you can relate to.
My initial contact was an email to all three of them, saying I would like to meet them and get to know them if they were amenable, but that I had no particular expectations. They each responded separately, in their own time, and I have differing relationships with each of them. I was and am incredibly sensitive to the difficulties they faced in their nuclear and extended families--before I ever showed up. Alcoholism, drug abuse, repeat marriages, abusive stepfathers, psychotic episodes, suicide, affairs, you name it. I have met both my biological grandmothers, whose actions and decisions led to my being adopted, and to my birth mother suffering not knowing where her child was for 43 years.
I decided early on I would forgive everyone for everything that happened before I showed up, and that happened as a result of my showing up; I was starting from a clean slate. I have zero anger or recrimination. That was a gift I gave to myself. Forgiveness isn't about the other person; it's about allowing yourself to function in a healthy way.
The person who seems to have the most trouble incorporating me into her life also has the biggest issues with control and anger. My half-sister is the baby of the family and experienced the most difficulty with her mother (my birth mother). They are very close, but my half-sister has a lot of anger about things that have nothing to do with me.
I can tell she's trying. Any time I experience any wariness, or anxiety, or anger from her, I can tell it's coming from a place of her being angry with her mother (and her father, who isn't related to this story). And I just let it wash off my back, because being angry with your parents is a sucky thing to deal with on its own, even without having a new half-sister show up. I have nothing but compassion for her, because I know she's hurting.
I hope one day she can forgive her parents, and her grandparents, and other family members. Her anger and her need for control are hurting her more than anyone else. I will continue to try to form a relationship with her, at her speed. She is welcoming in her way but it's very slow going and hindered by her anger.
In your situation: Regardless of whether you ever have a relationship with your half-sister, I hope you can one day get to a place where you don't feel responsible for bearing the banner of your mom's pain. Your mom was wronged, but keeping that pain alive doesn't teach anyone anything. And of course you know your half-sister has nothing to do with that pain; she's not responsible for your father's actions. She has nothing to be forgiven for. Your anger is with your father, and I bet she knows that.
And to the person who jumped to genetic sexual attraction as an explanation for a fast connection between the OP's brother and the half-sister: GSA is extremely rare. A positive connection between long-lost family members is way more common than GSA. When you hear hooves, think horses, not zebras.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 7:19 AM on November 8, 2014 [12 favorites]
My initial contact was an email to all three of them, saying I would like to meet them and get to know them if they were amenable, but that I had no particular expectations. They each responded separately, in their own time, and I have differing relationships with each of them. I was and am incredibly sensitive to the difficulties they faced in their nuclear and extended families--before I ever showed up. Alcoholism, drug abuse, repeat marriages, abusive stepfathers, psychotic episodes, suicide, affairs, you name it. I have met both my biological grandmothers, whose actions and decisions led to my being adopted, and to my birth mother suffering not knowing where her child was for 43 years.
I decided early on I would forgive everyone for everything that happened before I showed up, and that happened as a result of my showing up; I was starting from a clean slate. I have zero anger or recrimination. That was a gift I gave to myself. Forgiveness isn't about the other person; it's about allowing yourself to function in a healthy way.
The person who seems to have the most trouble incorporating me into her life also has the biggest issues with control and anger. My half-sister is the baby of the family and experienced the most difficulty with her mother (my birth mother). They are very close, but my half-sister has a lot of anger about things that have nothing to do with me.
I can tell she's trying. Any time I experience any wariness, or anxiety, or anger from her, I can tell it's coming from a place of her being angry with her mother (and her father, who isn't related to this story). And I just let it wash off my back, because being angry with your parents is a sucky thing to deal with on its own, even without having a new half-sister show up. I have nothing but compassion for her, because I know she's hurting.
I hope one day she can forgive her parents, and her grandparents, and other family members. Her anger and her need for control are hurting her more than anyone else. I will continue to try to form a relationship with her, at her speed. She is welcoming in her way but it's very slow going and hindered by her anger.
In your situation: Regardless of whether you ever have a relationship with your half-sister, I hope you can one day get to a place where you don't feel responsible for bearing the banner of your mom's pain. Your mom was wronged, but keeping that pain alive doesn't teach anyone anything. And of course you know your half-sister has nothing to do with that pain; she's not responsible for your father's actions. She has nothing to be forgiven for. Your anger is with your father, and I bet she knows that.
And to the person who jumped to genetic sexual attraction as an explanation for a fast connection between the OP's brother and the half-sister: GSA is extremely rare. A positive connection between long-lost family members is way more common than GSA. When you hear hooves, think horses, not zebras.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 7:19 AM on November 8, 2014 [12 favorites]
I might end up coming off as the narrow-minded, bitter, unforgiving one if I don't embrace her as part of the family.
Agreed with the others: you don't have to be her BFF, but she's literally done nothing wrong in this situation. If you treat her like some kind of pariah because of something that happened before she was born, you will absolutely come off as narrow-minded and bitter and that perception would not be at all unreasonable.
posted by toomuchpete at 7:26 AM on November 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
Agreed with the others: you don't have to be her BFF, but she's literally done nothing wrong in this situation. If you treat her like some kind of pariah because of something that happened before she was born, you will absolutely come off as narrow-minded and bitter and that perception would not be at all unreasonable.
posted by toomuchpete at 7:26 AM on November 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
It may be helpful to keep in mind that acknowledging your half-sister, and even building a relationship with her, does not mean you automatically forgive your father for his affair.
Your half-sister is a product of the affair, but she is not the affair. Being okay with her is not the same thing as being okay with the affair.
posted by jaguar at 7:28 AM on November 8, 2014 [5 favorites]
Your half-sister is a product of the affair, but she is not the affair. Being okay with her is not the same thing as being okay with the affair.
posted by jaguar at 7:28 AM on November 8, 2014 [5 favorites]
If you and your brother are close I would talk to him about this. See how he is processing it and if has tools you can use. If you can using him as a sounding board (in a productive way, of course) then maybe you'll be able to get through any future meetings with a little more ease and help you see her as an innocent party rather than a symbol of your father's infidelity.
posted by Room 641-A at 7:29 AM on November 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by Room 641-A at 7:29 AM on November 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
As a mental tool, I always "draw the circle bigger." I visualize all my family standing together inside a chalk circle drawn on the floor. When someone new enters the family, I just mentally increase the size of the circle by seeing them step inside the circle and I draw the circle larger to contain the new person. It doesn't mean they are standing right next to me, or that there's really any other reaction I'm being forced to make. I just relax, draw the circle bigger, and move forward from there. Draw your circle bigger.
posted by raisingsand at 8:36 AM on November 8, 2014 [11 favorites]
posted by raisingsand at 8:36 AM on November 8, 2014 [11 favorites]
I know a girl who is the result of an affair her father had with her mother. While her father tried to stay in touch with her, he kept it a secret from his family and this girl has lived her life not knowing her half siblings and feeling like some horrible person he needs to hide from everyone. Her mom doesn't have any other kids, so she really has no siblings she knows. When he would see her, especially as a kid, it would be a secretive thing -- they wouldn't just go out to dinner in public where someone he knows could see him. I know this has been a really hard thing for her. None of it was her fault and she is a good person.
On the other hand, when my dad got remarried, I wanted nothing to do with his new wife or the wife's son equally. The son didn't do anything, but for me it was a reminder of my dad's infidelity and a reminder that some of kid had my dad around as a father while we (me and my siblings) did not. I hated his wife (who he left my mom for) but I absolutely wanted nothing to do with the son, too.
So I understand both sides of it. It's hard for you and it's hard for the half-sister. What I would say is that you have the right to feel angry and upset about this. Talk to your brother about it. Let him know this is hard for your to process. Now that your mom can't be hurt by this information, I think you need to do what feels right for you -- having a relationship with your half-sister would not be a betrayal to your mom. It won't mean you're OK with what your father did.
posted by AppleTurnover at 9:59 AM on November 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
On the other hand, when my dad got remarried, I wanted nothing to do with his new wife or the wife's son equally. The son didn't do anything, but for me it was a reminder of my dad's infidelity and a reminder that some of kid had my dad around as a father while we (me and my siblings) did not. I hated his wife (who he left my mom for) but I absolutely wanted nothing to do with the son, too.
So I understand both sides of it. It's hard for you and it's hard for the half-sister. What I would say is that you have the right to feel angry and upset about this. Talk to your brother about it. Let him know this is hard for your to process. Now that your mom can't be hurt by this information, I think you need to do what feels right for you -- having a relationship with your half-sister would not be a betrayal to your mom. It won't mean you're OK with what your father did.
posted by AppleTurnover at 9:59 AM on November 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
I don't have personal experience with this but I have a friend who does. They aren't BFFs or anything, but it turns out they both had an asshole dad and understood each other in a rather nice way.
It reminds me of when a person's exes get together and turn out they like each other plus have the shared experience of having married (and divorced) Crappy Guy.
posted by small_ruminant at 10:34 AM on November 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
It reminds me of when a person's exes get together and turn out they like each other plus have the shared experience of having married (and divorced) Crappy Guy.
posted by small_ruminant at 10:34 AM on November 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
I think once you can separate this new relative from the situation of your dad's affair, it might be useful to think of her more as a cousin. She's related, but she wasn't raised with you and you don't know her well. It would be nice if you can have her be a low-key part of your family, without having to be best friends, or act like you were raised in the same house.
I have a half-brother who was not raised with me, though not from an affair, and we've known each other our whole lives. He is, in most ways, like a cousin to me. We got together a few times a year as kids and now that we're adults, I mean to get together sometime but it's been way too long at this point. Just like my other cousins, who I love, but haven't seen since the last family weddings and funerals. He's part of my extended family.
I know you're in the middle of a lot of emotions here, so I don't know if my approach will help here or not, but I hope so. Best of luck.
posted by Margalo Epps at 10:01 PM on November 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
I have a half-brother who was not raised with me, though not from an affair, and we've known each other our whole lives. He is, in most ways, like a cousin to me. We got together a few times a year as kids and now that we're adults, I mean to get together sometime but it's been way too long at this point. Just like my other cousins, who I love, but haven't seen since the last family weddings and funerals. He's part of my extended family.
I know you're in the middle of a lot of emotions here, so I don't know if my approach will help here or not, but I hope so. Best of luck.
posted by Margalo Epps at 10:01 PM on November 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
I find it sad that you have so much animosity towards this person who, like you, is also a victim of the situation. However, unlike you, she didn't grow up with (the illusion of) a loving dad but rather an identity that included, in part, being treated like a shameful secret. (She shouldn't feel shameful but such secrets like this generally feel that way by default. And I don't think your dad was unloving so much as a weak person in some regards.) An affair is crappy, of course, but I think it's 10x crappier that your dad kept her a secret for so long. I don't know how your mom was as a person but it sounds like you considered her a very loving person towards you? If I were in your mother's shoes, I'd be so angry at my spouse but, regardless of my spousal relationship status, try to be welcoming to the other child for the sake of all the children involved. I can only imagine how it feels growing up feel openly unloved or unwanted. How would you feel if you were in your half-sister's shoes? How do you think your mother would have reacted had she known? (Obviously, this is an appeal to your compassion BUT you still may not feel that way and that's OK!)
That said, it's OK that you're mad and don't want to meet her because you're being totally honest and putting those feelings out there: it's good you feel you can be so real here!! I think that's a great first step! I don't think you need to "forgive" your dad unless that is something you are aspiring to. Forgiveness is a great concept for some but not for all: I do think you'll probably be more at peace with things, and that is a great goal! I'm struck by how many MeFites wrote in with similar experiences -- people whom I recognize from the boards as being such awesome and compassionate people -- so you are not alone. Furthermore, every family has different kinds of challenges, whether they're transparent or not, so I think continuing to process this aloud -- be it online or in person with friends and even family -- would be a good thing. Perhaps you could even seek out some counseling with your dad so you can hear his side of things while getting support from a mediator.
You have "permission" to not spend Thanksgiving with your dad and immediate family unless you really want to. If you'd rather do something with friends or distant family, travel, be by yourself, etc. those are all viable options. If you're feeling pushed to respond and don't want to leave people hanging but also not go outside your comfort zone (which is totally OK!) you could send a placeholder message like this via your brother.
A possible message, which I'm sure you can word a lot better than I can right now. ;-) "Dear [Half-Sister], I have heard many great things about you from [brother] and know you are getting to know [our/my/the] family better. I am writing to say that, while I truly wish you all the best, I am not ready to meet you yet as I process the shock of finding out that my family life is not as I had thought it was for so many years. I don't know how long this will take but have already started with this letter. Again, I wish you luck and will be in touch when I feel ready. Thank you for your understanding. Sincerely, [your name]" But that's just a possibility: how would you feel about this?
posted by smorgasbord at 12:00 AM on November 9, 2014
That said, it's OK that you're mad and don't want to meet her because you're being totally honest and putting those feelings out there: it's good you feel you can be so real here!! I think that's a great first step! I don't think you need to "forgive" your dad unless that is something you are aspiring to. Forgiveness is a great concept for some but not for all: I do think you'll probably be more at peace with things, and that is a great goal! I'm struck by how many MeFites wrote in with similar experiences -- people whom I recognize from the boards as being such awesome and compassionate people -- so you are not alone. Furthermore, every family has different kinds of challenges, whether they're transparent or not, so I think continuing to process this aloud -- be it online or in person with friends and even family -- would be a good thing. Perhaps you could even seek out some counseling with your dad so you can hear his side of things while getting support from a mediator.
You have "permission" to not spend Thanksgiving with your dad and immediate family unless you really want to. If you'd rather do something with friends or distant family, travel, be by yourself, etc. those are all viable options. If you're feeling pushed to respond and don't want to leave people hanging but also not go outside your comfort zone (which is totally OK!) you could send a placeholder message like this via your brother.
A possible message, which I'm sure you can word a lot better than I can right now. ;-) "Dear [Half-Sister], I have heard many great things about you from [brother] and know you are getting to know [our/my/the] family better. I am writing to say that, while I truly wish you all the best, I am not ready to meet you yet as I process the shock of finding out that my family life is not as I had thought it was for so many years. I don't know how long this will take but have already started with this letter. Again, I wish you luck and will be in touch when I feel ready. Thank you for your understanding. Sincerely, [your name]" But that's just a possibility: how would you feel about this?
posted by smorgasbord at 12:00 AM on November 9, 2014
This thread is closed to new comments.
I don't think there's one way to del with this. It depends on so many things. No doubt I won't be the first or last to suggest professional help (and I did once visit a psychologist with one task in mind - she had great questions for me, like asking what would someone specific who I respected and who loved me advised).
This is tricky but not yet urgent. Imagine what could happen, best and worst. Consider your faith (are you of the opinion your mother can not be hurt by your behaviour, or is she watching?).
posted by b33j at 2:30 AM on November 8, 2014 [1 favorite]