The Pros and Cons of Marriage
November 7, 2014 8:13 AM Subscribe
Assuming we'll be together until death, I'm wondering what the reasons are for and against marrying my partner.
We're in our 30's and 40's, have been domestic partners for the better part of nine years, have no plans to have children together. His child is an adult. We don't want a big wedding (maybe JoP), or any last names to be changed. We don't own property or, really, anything of value. Marriage started to sound like a sweet idea from a romantic standpoint, and then after the subject was casually brought up, it turns out we would benefit in terms of health coverage-- Very unromantic. So, since I've never really seen the point of marriage (for me, or for us), what am I not considering? What are the pros and cons of marriage?
We're in our 30's and 40's, have been domestic partners for the better part of nine years, have no plans to have children together. His child is an adult. We don't want a big wedding (maybe JoP), or any last names to be changed. We don't own property or, really, anything of value. Marriage started to sound like a sweet idea from a romantic standpoint, and then after the subject was casually brought up, it turns out we would benefit in terms of health coverage-- Very unromantic. So, since I've never really seen the point of marriage (for me, or for us), what am I not considering? What are the pros and cons of marriage?
Make of it what you will, but I find being married just damn cozy as a concept, all else removed.
posted by whitewall at 8:18 AM on November 7, 2014 [16 favorites]
posted by whitewall at 8:18 AM on November 7, 2014 [16 favorites]
Look at what your tax situation would be if you married. Some couples end up better off filing jointly, some don't.
posted by cecic at 8:19 AM on November 7, 2014 [6 favorites]
posted by cecic at 8:19 AM on November 7, 2014 [6 favorites]
The major pro is that the government (and society, as getawaysticks points out) will accept that you are your partner's partner without having to "prove" it. Medical and financial decisions are tremendously easier for a spouse to make than a cohabitant.
Something that seems like a con but is actually a pro is that if the relationship ends, the government has various rules about how that relationship ends. You don't think you have anything of value, but you might be surprised how angry you can get about stupid shit at the end.
The major con is that it likely will change your relationship. That's just a weird thing about people. Tread carefully.
posted by Etrigan at 8:20 AM on November 7, 2014 [9 favorites]
Something that seems like a con but is actually a pro is that if the relationship ends, the government has various rules about how that relationship ends. You don't think you have anything of value, but you might be surprised how angry you can get about stupid shit at the end.
The major con is that it likely will change your relationship. That's just a weird thing about people. Tread carefully.
posted by Etrigan at 8:20 AM on November 7, 2014 [9 favorites]
It means the state and other entities can fuck with you less when you have a piece of paper that they recognize as meaning "do not fuck with this couple, they are legit."
Unromantic? Yeah. So?
We got (gay)married the first time as an act of civil disobedience, not romance. We got married the last time because pensions and health insurance and wills and all that crap and also this is it, you are the one forever-n-ever. You can make of it whatever you want. A marriage is not a wedding, so you can do whatever you want there, too - you can have a huge party or a small bureaucratic meeting with an excellent lunch afterwards. Either way, you make of it what you wish, emotionally.
posted by rtha at 8:22 AM on November 7, 2014 [13 favorites]
Unromantic? Yeah. So?
We got (gay)married the first time as an act of civil disobedience, not romance. We got married the last time because pensions and health insurance and wills and all that crap and also this is it, you are the one forever-n-ever. You can make of it whatever you want. A marriage is not a wedding, so you can do whatever you want there, too - you can have a huge party or a small bureaucratic meeting with an excellent lunch afterwards. Either way, you make of it what you wish, emotionally.
posted by rtha at 8:22 AM on November 7, 2014 [13 favorites]
There are definitely tax implications. Even if you don't own much of value now, that doesn't mean you won't in the future. If one of you owns something of value and wants to leave it to the other person when you die, marriage lets you do that without paying tax. Income taxes can also be affected (for better or worse depending on your relative incomes).
Also hospital visitation, right to make decisions for one another if one of you becomes incapacitated, etc.
Some of this can be done through a lawyer without getting married, but that costs money and is more complicated. If you are married, it all just happens automatically.
posted by trivia genius at 8:22 AM on November 7, 2014 [3 favorites]
Also hospital visitation, right to make decisions for one another if one of you becomes incapacitated, etc.
Some of this can be done through a lawyer without getting married, but that costs money and is more complicated. If you are married, it all just happens automatically.
posted by trivia genius at 8:22 AM on November 7, 2014 [3 favorites]
Health Insurance as you know: While many companies will allow domestic partner coverage you don't get the same tax savings as covering a spouse.
FSA or HSA: that money can be used on a spouse but not on a domestic partner.
Beneficiaries: You need to take active steps to make a domestic partner your beneficiary on everything (at least on everything that you want to go to them). Spouse is the default if there is no specific beneficiary.
Lots of processes are easier if you are married, jointly buying a house, medical decisions, financial decisions if one person is incapacitated for some reason.
posted by magnetsphere at 8:22 AM on November 7, 2014 [4 favorites]
FSA or HSA: that money can be used on a spouse but not on a domestic partner.
Beneficiaries: You need to take active steps to make a domestic partner your beneficiary on everything (at least on everything that you want to go to them). Spouse is the default if there is no specific beneficiary.
Lots of processes are easier if you are married, jointly buying a house, medical decisions, financial decisions if one person is incapacitated for some reason.
posted by magnetsphere at 8:22 AM on November 7, 2014 [4 favorites]
It made breaking up the most difficult, drawn out nightmare possible.
posted by shesbenevolent at 8:23 AM on November 7, 2014 [7 favorites]
posted by shesbenevolent at 8:23 AM on November 7, 2014 [7 favorites]
Along the lines of what Etrigan says, I always thought of the end-of-life stuff. Everyone thinks their partners parents will let them do as they will, in terms of burial, funeral arrangements, dividing up assets, but I have found that death does not always bring out the best in us.
posted by lyssabee at 8:23 AM on November 7, 2014 [8 favorites]
posted by lyssabee at 8:23 AM on November 7, 2014 [8 favorites]
Not sure what your conflict is about whether or not it's "romantic" to get married. The romance of marriage is something I like about it very much. So if you're interested in it from a romantic viewpoint - and your relationship is good and solid - then... I don't see what's wrong with that? People are different, though.
My husband and I got married earlier than we could have because of health insurance. Why is that unromantic? It sure felt loving to me when I had health insurance the day after our licence was filed - because my husband had carefully filled out all the paperwork to make sure I would get it as soon as we were officially married.
My husband totally broached the topic of marriage by pointing out that if something bad happened to one of us, the other might have no rights to make medical decisions for the other, or even maybe deal with a funeral in the worst case. If something bad happened to me, in particular, it would be a nightmare to have my family have power over what happened to me.
I don't know. You seem like you can't think of a "good reason" to get married. So maybe marriage isn't for you. I had never thought about marrying anyone until I met my husband. We didn't have to struggle for a list of "good reasons". We are definitely not traditionalists, but marriage was a matter of "when" rather than "why".
I guess we could have said, "Let's go get powers of attorney and whatnot". But it's valid to solve these problems through marriage. And more to the point, we wanted to be married. Do you want to be married? If not, then don't get married.
TL:DR - It's okay to not get married if it's not for you. Definitely don't get married if you're ambivalent, or don't care for it. However, there are real legal implications to not getting married that you have to address - and marriage is not a totally pointless option to consider in a longterm relationship.
posted by Coatlicue at 8:35 AM on November 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
My husband and I got married earlier than we could have because of health insurance. Why is that unromantic? It sure felt loving to me when I had health insurance the day after our licence was filed - because my husband had carefully filled out all the paperwork to make sure I would get it as soon as we were officially married.
My husband totally broached the topic of marriage by pointing out that if something bad happened to one of us, the other might have no rights to make medical decisions for the other, or even maybe deal with a funeral in the worst case. If something bad happened to me, in particular, it would be a nightmare to have my family have power over what happened to me.
I don't know. You seem like you can't think of a "good reason" to get married. So maybe marriage isn't for you. I had never thought about marrying anyone until I met my husband. We didn't have to struggle for a list of "good reasons". We are definitely not traditionalists, but marriage was a matter of "when" rather than "why".
I guess we could have said, "Let's go get powers of attorney and whatnot". But it's valid to solve these problems through marriage. And more to the point, we wanted to be married. Do you want to be married? If not, then don't get married.
TL:DR - It's okay to not get married if it's not for you. Definitely don't get married if you're ambivalent, or don't care for it. However, there are real legal implications to not getting married that you have to address - and marriage is not a totally pointless option to consider in a longterm relationship.
posted by Coatlicue at 8:35 AM on November 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
There's a ton of things associated with marriage, some that might not be super obvious like spousal privilege. Wiki has an overview.
posted by ftm at 8:37 AM on November 7, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by ftm at 8:37 AM on November 7, 2014 [4 favorites]
If you make each other the beneficiaries of your retirement accounts, the rules differ if you are married or not. A surviving spouse gets the retirement funds with tax deferral intact. A non-spouse gets the funds as a taxable distribution. This is a real romantic distinction, I know.
posted by Midnight Skulker at 8:37 AM on November 7, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by Midnight Skulker at 8:37 AM on November 7, 2014 [3 favorites]
Social security survivor's benefits. Even if you're essentially financially self-sufficient, if one of you were to be run over by the proverbial bus tomorrow the LAST thing you need to worry about is having to downsize your life immediately because half your household's income is gone.
posted by drlith at 8:44 AM on November 7, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by drlith at 8:44 AM on November 7, 2014 [5 favorites]
While one person's marriage may be romantic - I'd like to believe mine is - it's actually a business deal. A married couple and people who are legally married have it easier in hundreds or ways and are easier to deal with. (Selling a home owner's policy to a married couple is less work and has fewer opportunities for error, for instance.)
If you make enough money that you suspect marriage will increase your US taxes, then you have enough money to have a CPA protect you from that.
Also, in all seriousness, his adult child is next of kin and you are not.
Same-sex marriage isn't an issue because our gay friends want more romance. Same-sex marriage is an issue because they want they want the same local, state, and federal benefits.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 8:48 AM on November 7, 2014 [15 favorites]
If you make enough money that you suspect marriage will increase your US taxes, then you have enough money to have a CPA protect you from that.
Also, in all seriousness, his adult child is next of kin and you are not.
Same-sex marriage isn't an issue because our gay friends want more romance. Same-sex marriage is an issue because they want they want the same local, state, and federal benefits.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 8:48 AM on November 7, 2014 [15 favorites]
Overview of Federal Benefits Granted to Married Couples.
posted by MonkeyToes at 8:49 AM on November 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by MonkeyToes at 8:49 AM on November 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
Marriage can make emigrating to another country easier. That's a major reason my partner and I choose marriage instead of a registered partnership (which are an option where we live).
posted by neushoorn at 8:52 AM on November 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by neushoorn at 8:52 AM on November 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
The most important benefit pf marriage is kinship. You and your spouse automatically become each other's default next of kin, regardless of your other blood relationships. This is important in so many situations.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 9:35 AM on November 7, 2014
posted by The Underpants Monster at 9:35 AM on November 7, 2014
Some people will treat you differently. Like, despite all that you mentioned about your stage in life, some people will only let you metaphorically sit at the grown-ups' table once you're married. You may or may not have very many such people in your life.
You might also find that you and your partner have some unstated, maybe not fully formed assumptions about what marriage means. In your question, it seems like you are trying very hard to resist society's assumptions that marriage means a wedding, child-raising, etc. Maybe there are assumptions from childhood, too, like specific examples of what your (and your partner's) parents' relationships were like that you do or don't want to emulate.
Maybe the purpose of marriage is that it gives you and your partner the opportunity to add your own example to the vast sea of other examples of marriages in your families and in society.
posted by Bentobox Humperdinck at 9:39 AM on November 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
You might also find that you and your partner have some unstated, maybe not fully formed assumptions about what marriage means. In your question, it seems like you are trying very hard to resist society's assumptions that marriage means a wedding, child-raising, etc. Maybe there are assumptions from childhood, too, like specific examples of what your (and your partner's) parents' relationships were like that you do or don't want to emulate.
Maybe the purpose of marriage is that it gives you and your partner the opportunity to add your own example to the vast sea of other examples of marriages in your families and in society.
posted by Bentobox Humperdinck at 9:39 AM on November 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
Did you google "benefits of marriage?" This is the first result I got. You could also google "pros and cons of marriage."
There are a lot of benefits associated with marriage, weather it's being covered by the same health insurance, hospital visitation rights or tax breaks. That's why marriage rights for gay people are so important! Maybe some benefits won't matter for you now, but they could eventually.
posted by AppleTurnover at 9:47 AM on November 7, 2014
There are a lot of benefits associated with marriage, weather it's being covered by the same health insurance, hospital visitation rights or tax breaks. That's why marriage rights for gay people are so important! Maybe some benefits won't matter for you now, but they could eventually.
posted by AppleTurnover at 9:47 AM on November 7, 2014
it's actually a business deal.
Definitely true from a legal perspective. And different to many people from a cultural perspective. I was married in an "I got married as a bit of a joke" way, got divorced (when my partner met "the one" and wanted to be real-married, which was fine with me) and now I am in a long term unmarried relationship. A few observations
- Marriage also means your families are "related" to each other now. Some people care about this, some do not.
- Marriage gives you some simpler end-of-life stuff (giving everything to your spouse is usually the default, this is handy)
- Marriage legitimizes your relationship in the eyes of a lot of people but also sets up expectations in the eyes of other people. There are some people in my town who have great marriages but don't live together. People are weird about this.
- Your partner's kid might have opinions on the value of marriage. My dad got married (and divorced) after I was an adult and this created a lot of really crappy legal bullshit I had to deal with when he died because of his marriage (and his ex's crappy handling of things)
- Marriage takes you "off the market" to more people culturally than just being in a long term relationship with someone. Not saying you have to feel this way, just saying other people do. If you're in an open relationship it can also pique people's interest because "adultery" is so taboo.
- Break-ups become a thing that has to be legal and could cost money and varies state to state a LOT. Read up on your state laws about divorce, just for edification. In many states it's basically betting half your stuff that you'll want to be with this person forever.
- Sometimes older parents can be weird about this because if they leave something to you, it will then be left to your spouse as well. I have unmarried friends who are, for all intents and purposes, married but not legally and this is a thing with their parents. The parents like them being unmarried so the partner-not-spouse doesn't inherit.
- In other countries the fact that you are married may be a bigger deal. When I traveled in Eastern Europe in the 90s my husband and I could not have shared a train sleeper car if we were not married (or willing to lie about it)
To many people marriage is an important cultural milestone. It's never been for me, but me feeling that way doesn't change how many other people feel about it. So understanding what it might mean to your close circle of family and friends should be something else you take into account when you move forward with these plans.
posted by jessamyn at 10:33 AM on November 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
Definitely true from a legal perspective. And different to many people from a cultural perspective. I was married in an "I got married as a bit of a joke" way, got divorced (when my partner met "the one" and wanted to be real-married, which was fine with me) and now I am in a long term unmarried relationship. A few observations
- Marriage also means your families are "related" to each other now. Some people care about this, some do not.
- Marriage gives you some simpler end-of-life stuff (giving everything to your spouse is usually the default, this is handy)
- Marriage legitimizes your relationship in the eyes of a lot of people but also sets up expectations in the eyes of other people. There are some people in my town who have great marriages but don't live together. People are weird about this.
- Your partner's kid might have opinions on the value of marriage. My dad got married (and divorced) after I was an adult and this created a lot of really crappy legal bullshit I had to deal with when he died because of his marriage (and his ex's crappy handling of things)
- Marriage takes you "off the market" to more people culturally than just being in a long term relationship with someone. Not saying you have to feel this way, just saying other people do. If you're in an open relationship it can also pique people's interest because "adultery" is so taboo.
- Break-ups become a thing that has to be legal and could cost money and varies state to state a LOT. Read up on your state laws about divorce, just for edification. In many states it's basically betting half your stuff that you'll want to be with this person forever.
- Sometimes older parents can be weird about this because if they leave something to you, it will then be left to your spouse as well. I have unmarried friends who are, for all intents and purposes, married but not legally and this is a thing with their parents. The parents like them being unmarried so the partner-not-spouse doesn't inherit.
- In other countries the fact that you are married may be a bigger deal. When I traveled in Eastern Europe in the 90s my husband and I could not have shared a train sleeper car if we were not married (or willing to lie about it)
To many people marriage is an important cultural milestone. It's never been for me, but me feeling that way doesn't change how many other people feel about it. So understanding what it might mean to your close circle of family and friends should be something else you take into account when you move forward with these plans.
posted by jessamyn at 10:33 AM on November 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
Unmarried, very long term relationship person checking in.
We have never seriously considered marriage. We have wills, living wills, health care proxies giving each other authority. Property is held jointly with full ownership automatically going to the other in the event of death.
Our perspective: do we need society’s authorization/blessing? Will the ceremony / piece of paper enhance anything? Answer to all of these questions is no in our case.
For us, every day we are together is a choice. Not due to a commitment made years ago that we are stuck with, but a choice we consciously make each day to be with each other. Even when things are rough, we are keenly aware that we are together by choice. Therefore, for us, not being married seems more romantic than being married.
Humorously, many have said over the years that amongst all the couples they know, ours seems like the best relationship.
YMMV. This is a personal statement. Everyone relates to love, commitment, and how they relate to social mores differently. In the end, the best advice anyone can give is to follow your hearts.
posted by elf27 at 10:36 AM on November 7, 2014 [3 favorites]
We have never seriously considered marriage. We have wills, living wills, health care proxies giving each other authority. Property is held jointly with full ownership automatically going to the other in the event of death.
Our perspective: do we need society’s authorization/blessing? Will the ceremony / piece of paper enhance anything? Answer to all of these questions is no in our case.
For us, every day we are together is a choice. Not due to a commitment made years ago that we are stuck with, but a choice we consciously make each day to be with each other. Even when things are rough, we are keenly aware that we are together by choice. Therefore, for us, not being married seems more romantic than being married.
Humorously, many have said over the years that amongst all the couples they know, ours seems like the best relationship.
YMMV. This is a personal statement. Everyone relates to love, commitment, and how they relate to social mores differently. In the end, the best advice anyone can give is to follow your hearts.
posted by elf27 at 10:36 AM on November 7, 2014 [3 favorites]
As a few people have commented, legally changing from "girlfriend" to "immediate family" is important. My husband was still working as a police officer when we married. I didn't want there to be any question of me not being able to get to him at the hospital if he were injured. For his part, he has a pension and he wanted to make sure I was taken care of should something happen to him. (It may sound odd but taking care of your partner in those ways does seem romantic to me.)
The other part is like whitehall's take, a vaguely defined concept - despite being divorced once I still like the idea of marriage/I just wanted to be married to him/it's hugely romantic in my head/I like being able to say "my husband did ____". (See? Vague.) My grandparents, aunts and uncles were all married forever. My parents have been happily married for almost 60 years. All of my (older) siblings have pretty good marriages (again despite most of them being divorced once or twice). So I'm assuming I formed most of this aspect from positive familial experiences. (Also I'm a total romantic and ridiculously sentimental.)
The wedding itself was also an excuse to dress up in fancy clothes (I live and work in jeans, tshirt and work boots), take a fun vacation, get nice pictures made, eat good food. That was a one-off benefit but then again, we get to do something similar again every year. And as busy as we are, it's easy to get comfortable around each other and take each other for granted. (This is something specific that we'd talked about and had both experienced in previous relationships.) It's good for the two of us to have an official reminder to stop and say "I love you. I appreciate you. I'd marry you again."
posted by Beti at 10:43 AM on November 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
The other part is like whitehall's take, a vaguely defined concept - despite being divorced once I still like the idea of marriage/I just wanted to be married to him/it's hugely romantic in my head/I like being able to say "my husband did ____". (See? Vague.) My grandparents, aunts and uncles were all married forever. My parents have been happily married for almost 60 years. All of my (older) siblings have pretty good marriages (again despite most of them being divorced once or twice). So I'm assuming I formed most of this aspect from positive familial experiences. (Also I'm a total romantic and ridiculously sentimental.)
The wedding itself was also an excuse to dress up in fancy clothes (I live and work in jeans, tshirt and work boots), take a fun vacation, get nice pictures made, eat good food. That was a one-off benefit but then again, we get to do something similar again every year. And as busy as we are, it's easy to get comfortable around each other and take each other for granted. (This is something specific that we'd talked about and had both experienced in previous relationships.) It's good for the two of us to have an official reminder to stop and say "I love you. I appreciate you. I'd marry you again."
posted by Beti at 10:43 AM on November 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
We have wills, living wills, health care proxies giving each other authority. Property is held jointly with full ownership automatically going to the other in the event of death.
And those can all be challenged in court by the person who is legally your next of kin, if they so choose.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:00 AM on November 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
And those can all be challenged in court by the person who is legally your next of kin, if they so choose.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:00 AM on November 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
It is a tangible commitment to the relationship. It's like the difference between saying "I'd walk 500 miles to be with you" and actually walking 500 miles to be with that person.
posted by doctor tough love at 11:09 AM on November 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by doctor tough love at 11:09 AM on November 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
In my own limited experience:
Pro: Death. If either of us dies, which I very much hope is not for a long, long time, it's a lot simpler for the surviving spouse. I realize we could have drawn up partnership agreements and blah blah blah, but I feel a bit more secure for knowing that my spouse is my default next of kin for all financial and legal purposes, even if we don't think of/forget about something ahead of time. We had a friend pass away last year very unexpectedly at a young age, and while it was awful for his widow, it would have been even more awful were they not married.
Con: Breaking up would suck, and require lawyers, even though we have essentially no assets, children, pets, etc. Also, I never changed my name, and there is a not-insignificant portion of our relatives who won't refer to me by my actual name. When we were unmarried, people asked me what I call myself. I get a little salty over it. I think people in general slip more into heteronormative gender roles, or are likelier to, after tying the knot.
We were marginally more romantic about the actual getting married part - it was emotionally fulfilling to have our relationship and familial status validated by our families, friends, community, and government, and I think the liminal experience of saying vows doesn't get quite enough airtime in the hoopla of wedding planning. When it became clear to us that we were in it for the long haul, we decided to get married, had a very small secular wedding, and a few months later when my spouse lost his job, got to feel very glad about getting to use my employer's health insurance for both of us. It's been a good decision for both emotional and practical reasons, and I certainly hope I never have to test out that divorce "con."
posted by bowtiesarecool at 12:15 PM on November 7, 2014
Pro: Death. If either of us dies, which I very much hope is not for a long, long time, it's a lot simpler for the surviving spouse. I realize we could have drawn up partnership agreements and blah blah blah, but I feel a bit more secure for knowing that my spouse is my default next of kin for all financial and legal purposes, even if we don't think of/forget about something ahead of time. We had a friend pass away last year very unexpectedly at a young age, and while it was awful for his widow, it would have been even more awful were they not married.
Con: Breaking up would suck, and require lawyers, even though we have essentially no assets, children, pets, etc. Also, I never changed my name, and there is a not-insignificant portion of our relatives who won't refer to me by my actual name. When we were unmarried, people asked me what I call myself. I get a little salty over it. I think people in general slip more into heteronormative gender roles, or are likelier to, after tying the knot.
We were marginally more romantic about the actual getting married part - it was emotionally fulfilling to have our relationship and familial status validated by our families, friends, community, and government, and I think the liminal experience of saying vows doesn't get quite enough airtime in the hoopla of wedding planning. When it became clear to us that we were in it for the long haul, we decided to get married, had a very small secular wedding, and a few months later when my spouse lost his job, got to feel very glad about getting to use my employer's health insurance for both of us. It's been a good decision for both emotional and practical reasons, and I certainly hope I never have to test out that divorce "con."
posted by bowtiesarecool at 12:15 PM on November 7, 2014
In addition to health insurance, it could greatly decrease your taxes (it did for me and my hubbie). If one of you gets sick, it'll be easier for the other to deal with hospital/insurance stuff. If one of you dies, it'll be easier to deal with funeral stuff as well as distribution of shared items. None of it romantic, but actually to some people those things are comforting.
posted by Toddles at 12:18 PM on November 7, 2014
posted by Toddles at 12:18 PM on November 7, 2014
Having been through a (relatively) amicable divorce, I don't see divorce as a "con" to marriage as much as I used to. Yes, it was exhausting and sometimes harrowing and required a LOT more work and money than breaking up a non-marriage relationship usually does. But the divorce process protected me in a lot of ways. Without it, I would not have known the full scope of my former spouse's finances (we were required to disclose everything to each other, in order to ensure that the final decree divided all marital property). I would have walked away with significantly less property than my former spouse, from a combination of ignorance and not wanting to face the emotional difficulty of dividing property with this person.
posted by pril at 1:19 PM on November 7, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by pril at 1:19 PM on November 7, 2014 [4 favorites]
Here is one of my previous answers about marriage rights.
posted by Michele in California at 1:30 PM on November 7, 2014
posted by Michele in California at 1:30 PM on November 7, 2014
Assuming we'll be together until death [...] What are the pros and cons of marriage?
Well, okay, but you have to keep in mind that you're limiting the question so that it is almost all "pros" and almost no "cons". Because most of the cons of marriage come from what happens if it doesn't work out and you have to split up.
So your question is kind of like "What are the pros and cons of buying health insurance assuming I never, ever get sick or need to see a doctor"? In which case the answer would be "there are no pros and there are all cons".
Similarly, you're asking a question for which you've ruled out all the bad stuff.
posted by Justinian at 2:53 PM on November 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
Well, okay, but you have to keep in mind that you're limiting the question so that it is almost all "pros" and almost no "cons". Because most of the cons of marriage come from what happens if it doesn't work out and you have to split up.
So your question is kind of like "What are the pros and cons of buying health insurance assuming I never, ever get sick or need to see a doctor"? In which case the answer would be "there are no pros and there are all cons".
Similarly, you're asking a question for which you've ruled out all the bad stuff.
posted by Justinian at 2:53 PM on November 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
Similarly, you're asking a question for which you've ruled out all the bad stuff.
That's not true.
For example, marriage can make you liable for the debts of another person. Cohabiting is not going to do that.
I knew a couple where the husband had such bad credit that after they got married, the husband had to sign paperwork giving up all rights to the house the wife was trying to buy while married in order for her to qualify for a mortgage. This made the later divorce simpler. The house was all hers. He had no claim. It would have actually been simpler for her to buy a house to begin with had she just not married him.
I think for most people, the rights marriage gives you are a net positive. But there are a few outlier cases where getting married would introduce some problems that cohabiting side steps.
I am divorced and I still get alimony and as long as I do not remarry and my ex is alive, I am entitled to military benefits. I have not yet been in a situation where marriage was on the table, but I definitely have thought about the fact that remarrying has some downsides for me at this time. If my ex dies, those downsides might all go away. And I would hope that if marriage was ever on the table again, those downsides would be of negligible importance. But for some people, there are problems with getting married, even if you stay until death do you part.
So, no it is not that simple.
posted by Michele in California at 3:12 PM on November 7, 2014
That's not true.
For example, marriage can make you liable for the debts of another person. Cohabiting is not going to do that.
I knew a couple where the husband had such bad credit that after they got married, the husband had to sign paperwork giving up all rights to the house the wife was trying to buy while married in order for her to qualify for a mortgage. This made the later divorce simpler. The house was all hers. He had no claim. It would have actually been simpler for her to buy a house to begin with had she just not married him.
I think for most people, the rights marriage gives you are a net positive. But there are a few outlier cases where getting married would introduce some problems that cohabiting side steps.
I am divorced and I still get alimony and as long as I do not remarry and my ex is alive, I am entitled to military benefits. I have not yet been in a situation where marriage was on the table, but I definitely have thought about the fact that remarrying has some downsides for me at this time. If my ex dies, those downsides might all go away. And I would hope that if marriage was ever on the table again, those downsides would be of negligible importance. But for some people, there are problems with getting married, even if you stay until death do you part.
So, no it is not that simple.
posted by Michele in California at 3:12 PM on November 7, 2014
You're right, I meant "ruled out much of the bad stuff" rather than "all the bad stuff". I did say "most" elsewhere in my comment.
It's true that in a few states you can be liable for debts your spouse accrues. Of course two of those "few states" are California and Texas so that's a pretty good chunk of the population, even if still a minority.
I do think that my main point remains, though, which is that positing "assuming we stay together until death" rules out most of the downsides of marriage and skews the answers.
posted by Justinian at 4:02 PM on November 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
It's true that in a few states you can be liable for debts your spouse accrues. Of course two of those "few states" are California and Texas so that's a pretty good chunk of the population, even if still a minority.
I do think that my main point remains, though, which is that positing "assuming we stay together until death" rules out most of the downsides of marriage and skews the answers.
posted by Justinian at 4:02 PM on November 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
For me, the biggest benefit was the intangible sense of being a unit--a family. I didn't expect this, as a feminist with full knowledge of the historical drawbacks of marriage to women and the lingering problematic nature of the institution itself. But it is so nice to be a team in the eyes of society, and the knowledge that a breakup would be more difficult has made my husband and I feel more emotionally secure. But ym and relationship may vary.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:48 AM on November 8, 2014
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:48 AM on November 8, 2014
Response by poster: Follow up:
I asked, he accepted, we married, and it's awesome.
posted by little_dog_laughing at 1:17 PM on December 7, 2014 [8 favorites]
I asked, he accepted, we married, and it's awesome.
posted by little_dog_laughing at 1:17 PM on December 7, 2014 [8 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by getawaysticks at 8:15 AM on November 7, 2014 [24 favorites]