Is this just a casual relationship? or am I overanalyzing?
November 5, 2014 12:22 PM   Subscribe

I am in a casual/non exclusive relationship and I wanted to know if things are progressing to be more or if he's just living in the moment and making the best out of it? Any of your own experiences would help a lot as well!

I am 26F/he's 29M, and we've been dating for about 3 months. We already had the DTR talk and he told me he wasn't in a point in his life to be in a serious relationship because of his work(entrepreneur) and I also think he wants to see what else is out there. I agreed also that I wasn't in a place to be committed. Since then he's been texting me more and even holding my hand. Every aspect has been more intimate and he introduced me to most of his friends. I do notice I'm becoming more distant because I'm confused. I do really like him even though I am prepared for this to end at any time. I just don't understand why he is making so much effort if this won't be long term.

He asked me to go to a park and said he would make us a picnic. When I met some of his friends they asked me if we were dating, and I said no casually in front of him. He pulled me aside and said it made him sad that I said no. I'm just really confused right now, and any advice would be appreciated.

I also know he's still active on Tinder and OkC which i'm okay with because I'm active as well but when he was unlocking his phone to show me something, he forgot to exit out of the app and that did upset me a bit.

I am thinking about stopping communication with him because I don't want to get in over my head and hurt too badly in the end.
posted by jenko to Human Relations (23 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
 
When people find the right person for them, they *become* "in the right place to be committed". Those kinds of phrases are used by people who either really don't like the person they are dating enough to commit, or people (you) rationalizing why it's ok that the person you are dating doesn't like you enough to commit.

If it's truly ok with you to be "not good enough to commit to but good enough to screw around with", and you can just have fun and keep it light, by all means proceed.
posted by mysterious_stranger at 12:25 PM on November 5, 2014 [12 favorites]


This is a conversation the two of you guys should have with each other.

I am seeing someone very casually (and for far less time than you have been with this guy) and we snuggle, hold hands, text a lot, etc. despite the fact that, as far as I'm concerned, we are not on a path to becoming exclusive at all.

The last person I dated was very quick to go the boyfriend/girlfriend route despite the fact that we were never exclusive. And then we ended up breaking up after dating for only a few months. Which is something that felt very surprising to me, since I don't dub something a Relationship in that way if I'm not thinking a lot further ahead than a couple months.

There really is no obvious pattern that is true of everyone, from which tea leaves can be read in a definitive manner. You're going to just have to ask him.
posted by Sara C. at 12:29 PM on November 5, 2014 [5 favorites]


I am thinking about stopping communication with him because I don't want to get in over my head and hurt too badly in the end.

Just tell him that your status with him is too confusing and you don't feel good about it. That's the truth and you don't have to pretend to be the cool and aloof girl.
posted by discopolo at 12:32 PM on November 5, 2014 [39 favorites]


or if he's just living in the moment and making the best out of it?

This. Odds are pretty good that if he wanted to lock this down, he'd tell you so.

Every aspect has been more intimate and he introduced me to most of his friends.

You had the DTR talk, and you seemed copacetic with the relationship terms he wanted, so he was feeling comfortable.

He pulled me aside and said it made him sad that I said no.

Well, you are dating. Just because he doesn't want this to get serious doesn't mean he doesn't want to think of you as "his" while you're in it.

I am thinking about stopping communication with him because I don't want to get in over my head and hurt too badly in the end.

Do you want this to get serious, contra what you said in the DTR talk? Or are you happy with things staying casual and knowing that he might bail once he gets lovestruck by some shiny new person on Tinder? If it's the latter, well, things are more or less going as they should, try to go with the flow and not overanalyze so much. If it's the former, yeah, eject now.
posted by prize bull octorok at 12:40 PM on November 5, 2014 [3 favorites]


I just don't understand why he is making so much effort if this won't be long term.

Because having the trappings of a relationship -- sex, support, romance -- feel good. And if you can have them without negotiating the more difficult space of exclusivity and/or commitment, why not? Well, as you're discovering, it can be hard for some people to experience those trappings without developing the feelings that go along with them. This doesn't make either of you bad people; it just means you're unsuited to a relationship with one another right now.

Before you talk to him, figure out what you want -- do you want things to cool off and be more casual, or do you think you're already nursing stronger feelings that won't be reciprocated?
posted by gladly at 12:41 PM on November 5, 2014 [11 favorites]


It sounds like he's wanting a schmoopy yet non-exclusive relationship (ie, "dating") instead of a FWB arrangement, which you may have been assuming.

I'd determine whether you want either of those (or none) and have a conversation with him to define what exactly the terms are.
posted by travertina at 12:42 PM on November 5, 2014 [2 favorites]


Dating does not mean exclusive or even that the end goal is a monogamous relationship.

You may be in a social group where the term is generally used that way, but this not universal.

If you want to keep dating this guy, then you should be open to dating others. If that doesn't feel right to you, then move on.

The hardest thing is finding someone who wants what you want - sex, romance, being known socially as a couple. Whatever ideal you have in your head, don't assume that you and the other person are in sync. Talk.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 12:53 PM on November 5, 2014 [5 favorites]


Best answer: The one thing you should not do is stay in a relationship where you feel like you're auditioning or second-guessing yourself all the time - one where you're "dating" when it makes him feel loved but not actually dating. What he has right now is you on a string - you're perpetually auditioning to be better than all the other girls on Tinder and OKCupid, so you have to figure out what his mysterious moods are, whether a picnic is a "date" or not, etc. It sounds pretty awful.

If this was me, I'd probably break it off now and just tell him that you're looking for something exclusive and he's not it. I wish I'd done that in my long-ago similar situation which just about sent me into a nervous breakdown.

It's only fun to be in a relationship with someone who is actively looking for a better/"real"/permanent relationship if that's what you're also doing - otherwise it's just auditionville and Cool Girl LARPing for you.
posted by Frowner at 12:55 PM on November 5, 2014 [26 favorites]


You really need to use your words here.

A DTR (an acronym I just learned today) is not set in stone, and it seems like something in the relationship is changing/needs to change going forward.

The actions that you describe seem like those of someone who is into you, maybe in more than a casual/non-exclusive way, maybe not.

Do you want a more serious relationship with this dude? Tell him so, and ask if that's what he wants too. Maybe he does (yay!) , and maybe he doesn't and you need to break up b/c you're not comfortable with the level of intimacy that he's showing for a "casual relationship" (boo! but better to know now than later).

Do you want things to be more FWB-like, and less schmoopy-like? Tell him so, and maybe he'll back off some (yay!).
posted by sparklemotion at 1:00 PM on November 5, 2014 [1 favorite]


I just don't understand why he is making so much effort if this won't be long term.

I kind of think of this as how people get jobs they're really excited about and work really hard and get to know their coworkers and go for drinks and all that, but they don't want to have that job, like, for the rest of their life. But they'll look back at that job and have great memories and they'll have learned a lot.

Relationships are not exactly like jobs of course, but some of this holds true.

I'd talk to him. I think as women in heterosexual relationships we're taught to decipher all these clues about men's behavior and how much it means that he likes us (kissing on the forehead means he cares/it's not just sex! I have met his friends! He held my hand!) - and I have totally learned those things, too - but they can mean everything or nothing and are not universal to all men/situations.

Also, all relationships end. If you're preparing for it to end any minute, you're not having fun/fully investing, which you should do in any relationship of any duration. If you don't feel like committing to that, talk to him about it and potentially move on.

Agreed with Frowner that you're doing a bit of auditioning for Role of Girlfriend and it doesn't sound fun, and he might not even want you to be doing it. Talk to him.
posted by sweetkid at 1:02 PM on November 5, 2014 [6 favorites]


You are just a gap filler because he will be ready to commit to the right person, not just to you. He explicitly told you he isn't ready for a serious relationship-frankly that usually means he is not ready for a serious relationship with YOU. You accepted this fact and that is most likely not going to change.
posted by jellyjam at 1:06 PM on November 5, 2014 [1 favorite]


He's just not that into you. You asked him, and he gave you a total lie about some stupid reason that he wasn't in a place for a relationship right now -- if he liked you more, that wouldn't matter (seriously, how much more effort is an exclusive relationship than picking up chicks on OKCupid & Tinder all the time? none. none more work). It's fun to hold hands and be sweet and have sex and he probably likes you, but he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. He wants to have sex with people that aren't you. He is probably having sex with people that aren't you regularly. And there's nothing wrong with that -- he's been honest with you. But there's also nothing wrong with you not wanting that. He will never want to be in a relationship with you. If that's what you want, or at least if what is currently going on is not what you want, then you should stop seeing him. lord have I been down that road and it sucks all the time and it's perfectly ok and good and wonderful to admit you want more and he isn't giving it to you.
posted by brainmouse at 1:11 PM on November 5, 2014 [3 favorites]


He pulled me aside and said it made him sad that I said no. I'm just really confused right now.

I'm not surprised you're confused. I'm confused too.

My advice would be, next time he says something that confuses you (like above) just downright ask him to clarify himself and explain how you're feeling.

You'll likely get a ton of conflicting responses here - ultimately, until you talk to him, you still won't know where you stand.

Generally I'm a fan of listening to what someone says and believing what they say. When he said "I'm not looking for anything serious", I would take him at his word.... but I still think you need to talk to him again before you make up your mind.
posted by JenThePro at 1:24 PM on November 5, 2014 [1 favorite]


You need fewer assumptions and answers from us, and more talking to him directly. Here are some examples of things you can say, extrapolated from your post here:

"I'm confused because I thought we agreed that we weren't dating, but you got upset when I said that in public. What's up with that, did I misunderstand something or are your feelings changing? Do we interpret 'not a serious relationship' in the same way?"

"I know we said we were non-exclusive [and I'm still fine with that] [but I'm becoming a little uncomfortable with that] but still it bothers me to see your interactions with other people on dating sites. Can you be more careful to avoid accidentally showing me that stuff again?"

"Sorry that I've been distant recently, I've been confused by some things that seem contradictory to me - we agreed to be casual and for me that means staying away from things like holding hands and texting a lot. Are your feelings changing or are these things normal for you in a casual relationship? [I'm uncomfortable with this much intimacy in a casual relationship, can we dial it back or make the relationship less casual?] [I'm cool with whatever, just want to make sure we're still on the same page here]"

It doesn't have to be as blunt as that, obviously reword for your comfort level, but you really do need to be discussing these things with him using words. I totally get that it feels safer to guess what he's thinking based on his behaviour, and this can even work to a very limited degree, but as you're finding out it's easy to get confused when you two seem to be interpreting behaviours in different ways.

If you're not comfortable talking with him even at a very basic level, it's probably a good idea to stop seeing him now, before you run into bigger misunderstandings. But I'd really suggest giving straightforward communication a shot before you give up - it's good practice for the future, if nothing else!
posted by randomnity at 1:27 PM on November 5, 2014 [4 favorites]


Similarly to Frowner's advice, I'd also say that what's really important here is what you want out of this relationship.

Often there's this weird framework of Let's Keep It Casual which I think often sends the other partner into a spiral of fears of rejection that can distract said other partner from their own intentions. Suddenly, a relationship that you wanted to keep casual becomes fraught with all kinds of emotions that have nothing to do with your partner, or this particular relationship, or what you actually want. It becomes a referendum of how lovable you are as a person.

So, step back. What do you want out of this? Are you feeling disappointment because you thought he was on track to be The One, and you don't want to be with him if it's not headed somewhere serious? Or are you just feeling garden variety rejection, which always hurts? Or are you not actually feeling strong emotions about it at all because you're fine with keeping things casual?
posted by Sara C. at 1:33 PM on November 5, 2014 [7 favorites]


Well, this has turned into one of those things, hasn't it?

First, I'm going to suggest you click on this link to learn what The Girlfriend Experience is.

You can be casually dating you know, and your guy may want to feel the closeness and love and caring that he would in a long term relationship, without having to invest in you, while keeping his options open and while being able at a moment's notice to say, "it's been great, but I'm done now."

So....why would you sign up for this?

If you're confused, you either want this to deepen into something more permanent or you like the sex, but don't want him to kiss you.

At this point you need to set him straight, so you have two choices:

1. "Jorge, when we first started seeing each other we agreed that it would be casual, I thought it would be dinner and sex every so often. Now you're introducing me to your friends, holding my hand, and you say that you're sad if I tell your friends we're not dating. What's up with that?"

2. "Jorge, I thought we agreed that our relationship is casual. That means that I don't want to be introduced to your friends, or asked awkward questions about our relationship status by those friends, and I don't want to hear shit like, "that made me sad," when I set those friends straight about our status."

So, what is it that you want? Are your needs being met in this relationship? If not, is there any hope in hell that they would be?

True Story: My sister started seeing a dude on Black Friday. They knew each other through work and suddenly this guy was all about Sissy. He asked her to holiday parties, went to her holiday parties, they did a run up to Bear Mountain to play in snow. She celebrated Christmas with his family. She was having a great time, but it seemed so odd to her. They rang in the new year together, and the day after, went to his parents in Pasadena to watch the Rose Parade and football game. Then she went home, wondering what they'd be doing next. He never called again. Dude just wanted a date for the holidays.

Luckily, she was okay with it, but it would have been nice if he were just honest enough to say, "I need a steady date for Christmas."
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:12 PM on November 5, 2014 [8 favorites]


I think his logic might be that now that he's told you up front that he doesn't want anything serious, you've gotten your heads-up, so he's free to indulge in faux intimacy with you and can pull out of the arrangement at any time without being inconsistent. He likes you well enough all right, just not enough to commit. (If he's a 29-year-old entrepreneur, I don't think it's even necessarily about you; he might just recognize clearly that he's not in a position or headspace to be a good partner.) I gather he thinks that if you happened to develop feelings and get hurt, well, that's your issue, because you knew what you were in for. He may be just gross and knowingly taking advantage of your attraction to him, or, he may be assuming you're really on board with this.

Either way, it doesn't sound like you're emotionally prepared for this sort of thing. I think it'd be better for you to break it off and date people who want the kind of relationship you want.
posted by cotton dress sock at 2:58 PM on November 5, 2014 [3 favorites]


Well, either he lives in OPPOSITES LAND where it takes MORE time to date LESS people, or he is too chicken to openly ask you to be his fuck buddy, or most likely, he pegged you as a naïf who can be easily manipulated.

I mean, your "entrepreneur" is busier than... Mark Zuckerberg? Elon Musk? Sergey Brin? Larry Page? Give me a break.

DTFMA.
posted by rada at 3:18 PM on November 5, 2014 [4 favorites]


The only thing I would focus on and take seriously is when he told you in definite terms that he's not ready for a serious relationship. Once he made that clear, it gave him excuse to treat you like a girlfriend and enjoy the comforts of having one--without the actual commitment.

My humble take is that if this arrangement as is makes you upset and confused, you are in some level already 'invested' (so to speak), and thus I advise you to wish this guy well and discontinue any form of 'relationship' with him to avoid potential heartache.

Best of luck to you.
posted by tackypink at 3:20 PM on November 5, 2014 [4 favorites]


You can have the DTR talk more than once.

Is this just a casual relationship? ... I am in a casual/non exclusive relationship

It sounds like you aren't sure how to define your relationship, so it's time to do it again.
posted by yohko at 6:58 PM on November 5, 2014 [1 favorite]


You know, the last time a man told me he just wanted a casual thing, I decided as much as I was keen on him, I had no interest in wasting my time in trying to convince him to be with me. The next day I went on a date with another guy - and made sure Casual Man (CM) knew that I was seeing other men. Then I decided I needed to move interstate for work, quickly. A few days later I was at CMs house when his father turned up. CM introduced me to his father as his girlfriend! No, I'm not, I corrected him. Besides, I'm moving interstate in a week for work. CM was shocked and asked why I hadn't let him know. I told him because I'd only just decided and besides, it's not like we're dating.

So I basically said goodbye that day and left soon after thinking I'd never hear from him again. Lo and behold, he kept calling. I couldn't figure out why, CM had an entire conversation with me about how he didn't want anything serious. Then a few weeks later, he told me he was coming to my state. I thought he had business here and asked him what was going on. He laughed and told me he was coming to see me! I was so confused but agreed he might as well come over. Meanwhile, I was dating other people and as before, was in no way prepared to stop living my life for someone who wanted something casual even though it was rapidly seeming to be not so casual at all. So he would fly across the country once a month or so and keep coming over. I never reciprocated at the start, I mean, I really made him work for it. I never even phoned him - he always phoned me.

After six months or so of this, CM asked where things were going and if I was seeing anyone else. I said I had been dating other guys. He told me he hadn't and asked if I thought we should be exclusive. I agreed and so it went, until we got engaged six months later, then married.

Now of course, almost a decade and two kids later, when I asked him why he kept coming over when he only wanted a casual thing, CM told me it became very clear that I believed him and walked away and that if he didn't put in a massive effort, he would literally never see me again. I wasn't into playing games and I wasn't into twisting myself into a pretzel to try and make him like me - and he had competition from other men who were making an effort. So he stepped up his game. He also said that when he wanted a causal relationship, it was so he could see other women - but he was totally thrown by the idea that I would be doing that too, and he didn't like it. In fact, I dated a lot and he not at all, so it totally backfired on him.

Long story short, believe what he tells you. I would say, call his bluff, but it's not even call his bluff. Go find someone who wants to be with you and make it clear to your CM that you're worth more than that. Keep the lines of communication open, but live your life and make him work for you if he wants you. Oh, and the ending in marriage thing? I think I'm the exception, not the rule.
posted by Jubey at 7:33 PM on November 5, 2014 [11 favorites]


Response by poster: Thank you so much for everyone that responded to this thread. Every bit of information was helpful. I think in a way I wanted to think that I was a bit more special than just a casual fling. I think I am, but not the kind of special I want. Deep down I probably do want something more, which is why I am even feeling insecure or unsure. My feelings are very invested at this point, and I think even talking about him crossing the boundaries of "casual" won't help.
posted by jenko at 1:36 AM on November 6, 2014


You need to have another conversation. If he's sad that you said you were not dating, then you should discuss it. Rehearse your points ahead of time and say that you said you were not dating because that is what he said and that to you, dating means exclusivity.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:16 AM on November 6, 2014 [2 favorites]


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