Help us help our sex life
November 2, 2014 10:06 AM Subscribe
Early twenties couple fumbling through sex. Him: sometimes can't keep up an erection, or has to keep stopping and starting. Me: can't orgasm and it all feels a bit lukewarm. I'm worried that this will eventually kill our relationship. Sorry for the wall of text but I'm getting a bit desperate.
We've been together for about 8 months. The relationship is warm, comfortable and loving, and we can be completely ourselves with each other. The main issue is sex. We were both virgins (he hadn't even kissed a girl before me) and due to various circumstances we've only started having sex a month or so ago. I do enjoy the sex - I love the feeling of closeness, there is a lot of communication, and we're both prepared to try anything to make each other feel good. However...
1) I haven't had an orgasm. I think I've come close to it a few times with manual clitoral stimulation, but sometimes it's just too intense and I have to ask him to stop; with oral, it feels really nice but tends to plateau, and then I feel almost bored, or miss him being so far away, or feel bad that he's putting in so much effort for something that's going nowhere. With PIV sex, I feel good when he's going in deep repeatedly (usually doggy style or missionary with my legs on his shoulders) and I feel like I might be getting close to something - but usually it stops before it gets to that point because he can't keep thrusting continuously (see point 2). In the beginning he was a bit worried that it was his fault for not being able to make me feel good, and I also felt bad that I couldn't respond to all the effort he's putting in. We've subsequently talked about this and said that while it'll be great if I could have an orgasm, we shouldn't make that into a stressful goal as long as I am feeling good. But when he's done and we're cuddling, ready to go to sleep, I feel a twinge of frustration or unsatisfaction or sadness that I'm incomplete, and that this is as good as sex is going to get for me.
Usually the answer seems to 'explore your own sexuality through masturbation'. I do masturbate (not a lot at all though - can easily go a year or so without doing it), but I'm embarrassed to say that I have no idea whether I'm doing it right. I kind of rub the clitoris area over my underwear and tense out my legs straight until I get a sudden release of tension in a few minutes, which I think is an orgasm. I sometimes do this to porn, but for some reason, I do this the most when there is something stressing me or making me anxious. Now that I write it out this doesn't sound normal and I wonder whether that's having psychological effects during sex. :/
2) As I mentioned, he can't really sustain a repeated thrusting movement for long - maybe for about 10-15 seconds, and then he feels so close to coming that he has to stop, or slows down completely for a few minutes. For me, this stopping and starting really doesn't work - I get to a point of starting to feel good with the deep penetration, but if it's not sustained, I feel like the feeling goes back to zero. I have no idea whether what I'm expecting (more sustained thrusting movements) is asking for something that's not possible - or whether there's other ways for my boyfriend to be able to last longer. Sometimes, when he has to slow down, or we try to change positions, or any other break in the action, he can also loses his erection. I try to help him along with manual/oral stimulation, but when it doesn't come back, he feels terrible and keeps apologising profusely - or we just both kind of lose the momentum and end up just go to bed. I think this is something to do with performance anxiety, especially since he has had no experience with women before - and while I try to dispel this and try to make him feel as comfortable with his body as I could, every time this happens (maybe once every 3-4 times) I think this perpetuates the vicious cycle.
3) I don't feel wild or on fire when we have sex. I love the closeness and togetherness we get from it, and I am aroused, but I don't always feel completely turned on. He is gentle, shy, cute, and a bit childish (in a loveable sort of way), and while he does initiate I'm usually the one who make things a bit more raunchy. But I think I actually like being more dominated, or have rougher sex, which is not what's happening. I have mentioned this, and he does try, but it doesn't come naturally and we both don't really know how to actually this.
Final point. I do find my boyfriend attractive (outside of sex too), but I've never felt butterflies or sparks or like I'm on fire. He said he feels butterflies and the heads-over-heels feelings for me, though. Is our problems in sex related to an incompatibility? I don't really want to think about this, because it's such a solid, comfortable and loving relationship - but I'm not sure I can cope with the idea that the sex will stay like this.
Other possible data points:
- Neither of us are on medication apart from me on the pill (ortho tri cyclen). Not using a condom is not an option though
- We both live with roommates and have to stay fairly quiet/discreet, which could be killing the mood somewhat I guess
- He used to masturbate about once every 1-2 days, but doesn't watch porn (he finds it unrealistic and a bit ridiculous). Since we started having sex I think the frequency has dropped to about once a week.
- Apart from the two listed above we haven't tried other positions properly - the 1-2 times we tried me on top, he said he found it too uncomfortable as it cuts off his blood supply (?).
How can we have better sex? HELP. Throwaway email: cluelessanonymouse@gmail.com
We've been together for about 8 months. The relationship is warm, comfortable and loving, and we can be completely ourselves with each other. The main issue is sex. We were both virgins (he hadn't even kissed a girl before me) and due to various circumstances we've only started having sex a month or so ago. I do enjoy the sex - I love the feeling of closeness, there is a lot of communication, and we're both prepared to try anything to make each other feel good. However...
1) I haven't had an orgasm. I think I've come close to it a few times with manual clitoral stimulation, but sometimes it's just too intense and I have to ask him to stop; with oral, it feels really nice but tends to plateau, and then I feel almost bored, or miss him being so far away, or feel bad that he's putting in so much effort for something that's going nowhere. With PIV sex, I feel good when he's going in deep repeatedly (usually doggy style or missionary with my legs on his shoulders) and I feel like I might be getting close to something - but usually it stops before it gets to that point because he can't keep thrusting continuously (see point 2). In the beginning he was a bit worried that it was his fault for not being able to make me feel good, and I also felt bad that I couldn't respond to all the effort he's putting in. We've subsequently talked about this and said that while it'll be great if I could have an orgasm, we shouldn't make that into a stressful goal as long as I am feeling good. But when he's done and we're cuddling, ready to go to sleep, I feel a twinge of frustration or unsatisfaction or sadness that I'm incomplete, and that this is as good as sex is going to get for me.
Usually the answer seems to 'explore your own sexuality through masturbation'. I do masturbate (not a lot at all though - can easily go a year or so without doing it), but I'm embarrassed to say that I have no idea whether I'm doing it right. I kind of rub the clitoris area over my underwear and tense out my legs straight until I get a sudden release of tension in a few minutes, which I think is an orgasm. I sometimes do this to porn, but for some reason, I do this the most when there is something stressing me or making me anxious. Now that I write it out this doesn't sound normal and I wonder whether that's having psychological effects during sex. :/
2) As I mentioned, he can't really sustain a repeated thrusting movement for long - maybe for about 10-15 seconds, and then he feels so close to coming that he has to stop, or slows down completely for a few minutes. For me, this stopping and starting really doesn't work - I get to a point of starting to feel good with the deep penetration, but if it's not sustained, I feel like the feeling goes back to zero. I have no idea whether what I'm expecting (more sustained thrusting movements) is asking for something that's not possible - or whether there's other ways for my boyfriend to be able to last longer. Sometimes, when he has to slow down, or we try to change positions, or any other break in the action, he can also loses his erection. I try to help him along with manual/oral stimulation, but when it doesn't come back, he feels terrible and keeps apologising profusely - or we just both kind of lose the momentum and end up just go to bed. I think this is something to do with performance anxiety, especially since he has had no experience with women before - and while I try to dispel this and try to make him feel as comfortable with his body as I could, every time this happens (maybe once every 3-4 times) I think this perpetuates the vicious cycle.
3) I don't feel wild or on fire when we have sex. I love the closeness and togetherness we get from it, and I am aroused, but I don't always feel completely turned on. He is gentle, shy, cute, and a bit childish (in a loveable sort of way), and while he does initiate I'm usually the one who make things a bit more raunchy. But I think I actually like being more dominated, or have rougher sex, which is not what's happening. I have mentioned this, and he does try, but it doesn't come naturally and we both don't really know how to actually this.
Final point. I do find my boyfriend attractive (outside of sex too), but I've never felt butterflies or sparks or like I'm on fire. He said he feels butterflies and the heads-over-heels feelings for me, though. Is our problems in sex related to an incompatibility? I don't really want to think about this, because it's such a solid, comfortable and loving relationship - but I'm not sure I can cope with the idea that the sex will stay like this.
Other possible data points:
- Neither of us are on medication apart from me on the pill (ortho tri cyclen). Not using a condom is not an option though
- We both live with roommates and have to stay fairly quiet/discreet, which could be killing the mood somewhat I guess
- He used to masturbate about once every 1-2 days, but doesn't watch porn (he finds it unrealistic and a bit ridiculous). Since we started having sex I think the frequency has dropped to about once a week.
- Apart from the two listed above we haven't tried other positions properly - the 1-2 times we tried me on top, he said he found it too uncomfortable as it cuts off his blood supply (?).
How can we have better sex? HELP. Throwaway email: cluelessanonymouse@gmail.com
What you describe as a having an orgasm does indeed sound like an orgasm--totally normal and not at all weird.
I think it's really important to recognize a few things:
1. You've only been doing this a month! Of course you're not good at it yet. Think about taking on any totally new hobby--you wouldn't beat yourself up for being bad at it after one month, would you?
2. It took me a while to be able to orgasm with a partner. That's also totally normal. Many women can't orgasm through penetrative sex at all, so that might never happen for you. But I think with some more practice and patience, you guys can learn to bring you to orgasm--maybe not through penetrative sex, but through other ways.
Agree with Dip Flash, that there might be a compatibility issue, but it could also just be a new-and-figuring-things-out thing.
posted by too bad you're not me at 11:06 AM on November 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
I think it's really important to recognize a few things:
1. You've only been doing this a month! Of course you're not good at it yet. Think about taking on any totally new hobby--you wouldn't beat yourself up for being bad at it after one month, would you?
2. It took me a while to be able to orgasm with a partner. That's also totally normal. Many women can't orgasm through penetrative sex at all, so that might never happen for you. But I think with some more practice and patience, you guys can learn to bring you to orgasm--maybe not through penetrative sex, but through other ways.
Agree with Dip Flash, that there might be a compatibility issue, but it could also just be a new-and-figuring-things-out thing.
posted by too bad you're not me at 11:06 AM on November 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
Oh, one more thing: the whole feeling bad for taking too long to orgasm and then just giving up thing? It's a bad cycle you should try to break.
It's easy to start thinking, "Gee, it's been X min and he's still going...is his jaw/arm getting tired?" and then feel bad and want to stop. BUT if your partner cares about you, as it sounds like he does--he wants to please you! So let him.
Easier said than done, of course...but if you can try to turn that part of your brain off, I think that will help.
posted by too bad you're not me at 11:16 AM on November 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
It's easy to start thinking, "Gee, it's been X min and he's still going...is his jaw/arm getting tired?" and then feel bad and want to stop. BUT if your partner cares about you, as it sounds like he does--he wants to please you! So let him.
Easier said than done, of course...but if you can try to turn that part of your brain off, I think that will help.
posted by too bad you're not me at 11:16 AM on November 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
Honestly it just sounds like you guys are both new at having sex and it's complicated because there's not an "experienced" partner to lean on (not that this is a bad thing! It just makes things trickier.)
You've done a great job laying out your problems here but it doesn't sound like you've taken steps to address them outside of talking about them with each other, and, since you're both new, you're both probably floundering on how to fix these things. A lot of them (like the overwhelming sensation for him) will probably correct themselves with time and, ahem, practice. But others you might need outside expertise on, and that's fine. Have you done any reading about this stuff? You might find it really helpful. You could also consider booking a session or two with a sex therapist (just because you're going to a sex therapist doesn't mean something's wrong or you're broken-- you just want to leverage their expertise!), or talking to a trusted friend who is more sexually experienced.
I think that there's a very damaging expectation in society that when you're with someone you love, sex will "just happen" and it will be good. This is completely bonkers. Sex is totally something you have to learn and practice and get comfortable with and have muscle and brain memory for, just like a sport or a new craft or a research method or whatever. How good would you be at tennis in a month if you'd never played before, right? You probably wouldn't be hitting the ball (heh) even 50% of the time, right?
So maybe try to back off the emotional feelings of 'something's wrong' (easy to say, hard to do, I know!) and start resource- and knowledge-gathering just like you would if you were trying to learn anything else new. Read everything you can get your hands on-- and remember, just because you read it doesn't mean you have to try it, but at least you'll know it's out there. Learn your anatomy and his and how to take care of yourselves health-wise sexually, not just "1001 position" books (although those are good too!) Maybe dip into the history of sex within society, if that interests you-- it can be very illuminating to read about how sexual expectations and relationships and feelings have changed over time. Experiment solo and with your partner. If you want to, you can make it a fun hobby, a project, entertainment and relaxation, not just an emotionally-charged couples' activity (although that's certainly important as well.) It's pretty much like learning chess or to ride a tandem bike when you and your partner take this approach: the curve's pretty steep in the beginning in terms of comfort and fun, but when you get there the reward is a lifetime of an activity that you two are pretty good at for "amateurs" and really enjoy.
posted by WidgetAlley at 11:22 AM on November 2, 2014 [9 favorites]
You've done a great job laying out your problems here but it doesn't sound like you've taken steps to address them outside of talking about them with each other, and, since you're both new, you're both probably floundering on how to fix these things. A lot of them (like the overwhelming sensation for him) will probably correct themselves with time and, ahem, practice. But others you might need outside expertise on, and that's fine. Have you done any reading about this stuff? You might find it really helpful. You could also consider booking a session or two with a sex therapist (just because you're going to a sex therapist doesn't mean something's wrong or you're broken-- you just want to leverage their expertise!), or talking to a trusted friend who is more sexually experienced.
I think that there's a very damaging expectation in society that when you're with someone you love, sex will "just happen" and it will be good. This is completely bonkers. Sex is totally something you have to learn and practice and get comfortable with and have muscle and brain memory for, just like a sport or a new craft or a research method or whatever. How good would you be at tennis in a month if you'd never played before, right? You probably wouldn't be hitting the ball (heh) even 50% of the time, right?
So maybe try to back off the emotional feelings of 'something's wrong' (easy to say, hard to do, I know!) and start resource- and knowledge-gathering just like you would if you were trying to learn anything else new. Read everything you can get your hands on-- and remember, just because you read it doesn't mean you have to try it, but at least you'll know it's out there. Learn your anatomy and his and how to take care of yourselves health-wise sexually, not just "1001 position" books (although those are good too!) Maybe dip into the history of sex within society, if that interests you-- it can be very illuminating to read about how sexual expectations and relationships and feelings have changed over time. Experiment solo and with your partner. If you want to, you can make it a fun hobby, a project, entertainment and relaxation, not just an emotionally-charged couples' activity (although that's certainly important as well.) It's pretty much like learning chess or to ride a tandem bike when you and your partner take this approach: the curve's pretty steep in the beginning in terms of comfort and fun, but when you get there the reward is a lifetime of an activity that you two are pretty good at for "amateurs" and really enjoy.
posted by WidgetAlley at 11:22 AM on November 2, 2014 [9 favorites]
I'm going to preface this whole thing by saying that sex is super weird at first. Period. It takes a surprisingly long time to gel into the mechanics of it, so that you can just have sex without awkwardness anytime you want to. And then after you nail down making it work, it can take a while to figure out what you like and what works for both you and your partner. I had definitely been having sex for a while before I got to a place where I ever really had an orgasm during sex. And in my early 20s I was with a lot of younger/more inexperienced dudes who had similar issues.
Advice about your specific issues:
- Stop worrying so much about getting to Orgasm. This applies to both of you, really. There's no real way to do sex "wrong". You didn't fail if someone didn't come. Sex isn't just a checklist of things you do and then a klaxon goes off and ORGASM and you're finished. If it feels good and you're both enjoying yourselves, everything is going exactly right.
- If you've been having sex for a month, and you're with a partner who has also only been having sex for a month, this is IN NO WAY as good as it's ever going to get for you. You are literally having the worst sex of your life right now. The only way to go is up.
- The same holds true for masturbation. There's no wrong way to do it! Just do whatever feels good.
- No more feeling terrible or apologizing profusely for losing an erection during sex. That's totally a thing that happens sometimes and is not a big deal at all. One thing that might work is for him to think of ways to get turned back on, or for you guys to have sort of a go-to plan of action for when it happens. For instance I was once with someone where this was more of a thing than usual, and we just got into a habit of stopping, snuggling for a bit, and talking about sexy stuff until he got hard again. It was actually really nice, and made sex much more, well, sexy than the traditional "Erection + Foreplay + Thrust Thrust Thrust = Dude Comes And It's Over" sex game plan. One thing that worked for me with this partner was not to get into a dialogue of reassurance or "no really it's fine" or talking a lot about the lack of an erection. This is why having a thing you do when this happens is so useful. You stop having to talk about how this is happening, you just move into like Phase B or whatever until he's ready.
- There's nothing wrong with "losing the momentum". Not all sex has to end in orgasms for everyone and then you've officially Done Sex. If you guys want to stop, you can stop whenever.
- One thing that has really helped me be a better lover is to realize that there's always a next time. We have infinite time to do this. If I don't come this time, there's always tomorrow. If he loses his erection, we can always try again in a little while. If one or both of us came way too fast and didn't get to do X sexy thing we wanted to do this time, well, it's on the agenda. I especially feel like this has helped me to slow down and relax about sex. Having more sex later is a good thing. So if something didn't happen this time, yeeeaaahhhh, we get to try it again another time. I pretty much never feel disappointment at how a given sexual experience "turned out", because it's not like that was blowjob day and I screwed it all up and now blowjobs are off the table. There's always going to be another blowjob.
- You feel how you feel during sex. You should probably throw every media depiction or popular understanding about how sex works (including porn) out the window right now. Just concentrate on what you want, how you feel, and what works for you.
- Having wild, rough sex -- or really any specific kind of sex -- is like Sex 301. You are at Sex 101. In a year, you can maybe be like "yeah fuck me harder" and have that mean something. After a month, honestly, that's just not a realistic thing to expect in a scenario where both partners are very inexperienced. You just need to trust that this will get better, and the sex you're having right now is not the totality of what sex is, or all the sex you will ever have.
- Domination is like Advanced Graduate Studies In Sex. It's waaaaaayyyy too much to ask of your first sexual partner, who is also very inexperienced, one month into either of you having sex. This is like running down the block and then the next day wanting to run a marathon. Your boyfriend is working hard right now to figure out how to do sex, in general. Adding BDSM stuff right now is a recipe for frustration.
- Not touching the fact that you're in an eight month relationship where you don't feel any particular spark and are not in love with your partner with a ten foot pole, sorry. Though I've hand mindblowing sex with people I actively dislike, so honestly I think this is a bit of a red herring. I've also had tepid sex with people I really adored and wanted to be with. What sex is like with someone and how much you enjoy being around them are two very different things.
- Seconding that you should get a vibrator.
posted by Sara C. at 11:36 AM on November 2, 2014 [25 favorites]
Advice about your specific issues:
- Stop worrying so much about getting to Orgasm. This applies to both of you, really. There's no real way to do sex "wrong". You didn't fail if someone didn't come. Sex isn't just a checklist of things you do and then a klaxon goes off and ORGASM and you're finished. If it feels good and you're both enjoying yourselves, everything is going exactly right.
- If you've been having sex for a month, and you're with a partner who has also only been having sex for a month, this is IN NO WAY as good as it's ever going to get for you. You are literally having the worst sex of your life right now. The only way to go is up.
- The same holds true for masturbation. There's no wrong way to do it! Just do whatever feels good.
- No more feeling terrible or apologizing profusely for losing an erection during sex. That's totally a thing that happens sometimes and is not a big deal at all. One thing that might work is for him to think of ways to get turned back on, or for you guys to have sort of a go-to plan of action for when it happens. For instance I was once with someone where this was more of a thing than usual, and we just got into a habit of stopping, snuggling for a bit, and talking about sexy stuff until he got hard again. It was actually really nice, and made sex much more, well, sexy than the traditional "Erection + Foreplay + Thrust Thrust Thrust = Dude Comes And It's Over" sex game plan. One thing that worked for me with this partner was not to get into a dialogue of reassurance or "no really it's fine" or talking a lot about the lack of an erection. This is why having a thing you do when this happens is so useful. You stop having to talk about how this is happening, you just move into like Phase B or whatever until he's ready.
- There's nothing wrong with "losing the momentum". Not all sex has to end in orgasms for everyone and then you've officially Done Sex. If you guys want to stop, you can stop whenever.
- One thing that has really helped me be a better lover is to realize that there's always a next time. We have infinite time to do this. If I don't come this time, there's always tomorrow. If he loses his erection, we can always try again in a little while. If one or both of us came way too fast and didn't get to do X sexy thing we wanted to do this time, well, it's on the agenda. I especially feel like this has helped me to slow down and relax about sex. Having more sex later is a good thing. So if something didn't happen this time, yeeeaaahhhh, we get to try it again another time. I pretty much never feel disappointment at how a given sexual experience "turned out", because it's not like that was blowjob day and I screwed it all up and now blowjobs are off the table. There's always going to be another blowjob.
- You feel how you feel during sex. You should probably throw every media depiction or popular understanding about how sex works (including porn) out the window right now. Just concentrate on what you want, how you feel, and what works for you.
- Having wild, rough sex -- or really any specific kind of sex -- is like Sex 301. You are at Sex 101. In a year, you can maybe be like "yeah fuck me harder" and have that mean something. After a month, honestly, that's just not a realistic thing to expect in a scenario where both partners are very inexperienced. You just need to trust that this will get better, and the sex you're having right now is not the totality of what sex is, or all the sex you will ever have.
- Domination is like Advanced Graduate Studies In Sex. It's waaaaaayyyy too much to ask of your first sexual partner, who is also very inexperienced, one month into either of you having sex. This is like running down the block and then the next day wanting to run a marathon. Your boyfriend is working hard right now to figure out how to do sex, in general. Adding BDSM stuff right now is a recipe for frustration.
- Not touching the fact that you're in an eight month relationship where you don't feel any particular spark and are not in love with your partner with a ten foot pole, sorry. Though I've hand mindblowing sex with people I actively dislike, so honestly I think this is a bit of a red herring. I've also had tepid sex with people I really adored and wanted to be with. What sex is like with someone and how much you enjoy being around them are two very different things.
- Seconding that you should get a vibrator.
posted by Sara C. at 11:36 AM on November 2, 2014 [25 favorites]
Agree with the others - sounds like you guys are new at sex and honestly probably just need to give it time. Being good at sex is a learned and practiced behavior, in my opinion. You should take the pressure off, and just focus on having fun together. Maybe there's penetration, maybe not. Maybe someone orgasms, maybe not. Keep communicating and play together, do what feels good, and try not to focus on goals such as both of you coming, etc.
For what it's worth, you may never come during sex. And that's totally okay. Some of us women just can't through penetration alone. In my case, it's pretty difficult for me to come during sex - to make it happen my partner and I have learned to take a break from thrusting, leave him inside me, he goes to town on spots we've learned help me feel great, and I have to manually stimulate my clit. Anyway, the point is, I've been with my current partner for 2 years now, and it took us a long time to figure out what works and what doesn't.
With my previous partner, I had some of the issues you mention about sustaining an erection and also him having trouble not coming too soon. It turned out to be mostly mental for him, and the more it was dwelt on, the worse the problem became.
Hope that helps!
posted by FireFountain at 11:37 AM on November 2, 2014
For what it's worth, you may never come during sex. And that's totally okay. Some of us women just can't through penetration alone. In my case, it's pretty difficult for me to come during sex - to make it happen my partner and I have learned to take a break from thrusting, leave him inside me, he goes to town on spots we've learned help me feel great, and I have to manually stimulate my clit. Anyway, the point is, I've been with my current partner for 2 years now, and it took us a long time to figure out what works and what doesn't.
With my previous partner, I had some of the issues you mention about sustaining an erection and also him having trouble not coming too soon. It turned out to be mostly mental for him, and the more it was dwelt on, the worse the problem became.
Hope that helps!
posted by FireFountain at 11:37 AM on November 2, 2014
PIV sex is not the be all and end all of sex unless you make it so. Are you guys doing lots of foreplay to get you reved up? Does he finger you? There are so many things that hands and fingers can do that a penis simply cannot do. How are his erections when you're giving him head? Does he stay hard then? Also, it is totally normal for a guy's erection to wax and wane sometimes, so you both should keep that in mind. If your goal with sex is getting off, then there is no shame in him getting you off and then you getting him off. If your goal is just feeling good and being close, then I think you're doing okay, and as you both get used to sex in general and sex with each other in particular, things will get better. Also, if you want him to do X while he's fucking you, TELL HIM: "that feels amazing. keep doing that but [suck on my nipples/go deeper/etc]".
posted by misanthropicsarah at 11:38 AM on November 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by misanthropicsarah at 11:38 AM on November 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
I assure you that the sex you're having a month after losing your virginities to one another is probably some of the worst sex you'll ever have.
HOWEVER. It only gets better if you stop worrying that you're doing it "wrong". Accept how your bodies are working right now, let yourselves get used to each other, and try not to worry about what sex "should" be. If he can't thrust for long without orgasming, he doesn't need to beat himself up about it - it doesn't help stamina but sure kills erections. If you need specific stimulation to orgasm, focus on incorporating that stimulation into your sex vs. trying to adjust to stimulation you "should" enjoy. You can worry about the other stuff later.
Speaking from experience, at one month my partner and I were trying and failing at "regular" missionary and it just. Was not. Working. We were stressing about potential incompatibility too. And now, after years together, all sorts of weird experimentation, putting different x's and y's together in all sorts of different ways successfully? Missionary still doesn't work. Why would we care that it "should"?
posted by Metafilter Username at 11:46 AM on November 2, 2014 [3 favorites]
HOWEVER. It only gets better if you stop worrying that you're doing it "wrong". Accept how your bodies are working right now, let yourselves get used to each other, and try not to worry about what sex "should" be. If he can't thrust for long without orgasming, he doesn't need to beat himself up about it - it doesn't help stamina but sure kills erections. If you need specific stimulation to orgasm, focus on incorporating that stimulation into your sex vs. trying to adjust to stimulation you "should" enjoy. You can worry about the other stuff later.
Speaking from experience, at one month my partner and I were trying and failing at "regular" missionary and it just. Was not. Working. We were stressing about potential incompatibility too. And now, after years together, all sorts of weird experimentation, putting different x's and y's together in all sorts of different ways successfully? Missionary still doesn't work. Why would we care that it "should"?
posted by Metafilter Username at 11:46 AM on November 2, 2014 [3 favorites]
I'll also add that he really doesn't need to be so worried about avoiding orgasm or lasting a really long time. That's another reason "there's always a next time" is such a powerful idea. "Amount of time the dude thrusted before orgasm" is just not at all a meaningful thing, at all. For one thing, you guys are allowed infinite foreplay before the PIV thing. For another thing, a guy in his early 20s who is on a hair trigger is probably going to bounce back pretty quickly. Stop thinking of any particular sexytimes as The Only Time We Will Ever Fuck, After Which Sex Is Turned Off For The Foreseeable future.
I've definitely found that, with guys who finish quickly, often the second or third time they will be able to last longer.
I've also found that guys set way too much store in how long they last at sex.
posted by Sara C. at 11:55 AM on November 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
I've definitely found that, with guys who finish quickly, often the second or third time they will be able to last longer.
I've also found that guys set way too much store in how long they last at sex.
posted by Sara C. at 11:55 AM on November 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
Worry and anxiety has the best of both of you. The resulting sex won't kill your relationship, but the world's telling you what "good sex" should be, and the standards set (too high, honestly), will destroy any relationship. Relax and learn together in openness and understanding. TV/Movies/Fiction portray sex unrealistically. We all have to stumble and learn as we go - sex included.
posted by Gerard Sorme at 12:06 PM on November 2, 2014
posted by Gerard Sorme at 12:06 PM on November 2, 2014
My advice is to stop worrying about having a PIV orgasm, for now.
Worry about your own pleasure before the PIV stuff starts. Maybe him using a dildo or vibrator on you might get you the closeness/stimulation you need? Then when it's his turn, let him just go straight to orgasm. Don't fake your own, but show him that you're enjoying it.
It takes time for a guy to develop staying power. Give it time (and lots of practice!) and things will improve.
posted by no regrets, coyote at 12:45 PM on November 2, 2014
Worry about your own pleasure before the PIV stuff starts. Maybe him using a dildo or vibrator on you might get you the closeness/stimulation you need? Then when it's his turn, let him just go straight to orgasm. Don't fake your own, but show him that you're enjoying it.
It takes time for a guy to develop staying power. Give it time (and lots of practice!) and things will improve.
posted by no regrets, coyote at 12:45 PM on November 2, 2014
If you're uncertain whether you're masturbating correctly, and have never had an orgasm (though what you described later in your post sounds like one), I would highly suggest working on these two. You need to acquaint yourself with your body, how it likes being touched and how you can bring yourself to orgasm.
It seems really unfair to expect your equally-as-inexperienced partner to figure it all out for you -- that's a lot of pressure.
So my advice would be to masturbate more--both of you. Figure out what it is you like, where you like being touched, what -always- gets you to the point of orgasm, how to delay orgasm/edging (for your partner), etc. You can include one another in this as well---talk about it to one another or even do it together.
Also, as someone already mentioned, not making it about reaching a specific climax (orgasm), will likely take some pressure/anxiety off the situation as well. As may accepting that you may never orgasm from penetrative sex alone. I can't (I'm trans, fwiw). I can only orgasm during PIV sex if clitoral stimulation is also involved. This is something I learned through masturbation and bad sex in my first relationship.
Get some toys of varying sizes and shapes, lube and start exploring yourself and one another. It's a lot of fun.
Also, nthing that you should hold off on exploring BDSM things until later. Master the basics first. And consider that your partner may have no desire to be a 'dom'.
posted by stubbehtail at 12:57 PM on November 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
It seems really unfair to expect your equally-as-inexperienced partner to figure it all out for you -- that's a lot of pressure.
So my advice would be to masturbate more--both of you. Figure out what it is you like, where you like being touched, what -always- gets you to the point of orgasm, how to delay orgasm/edging (for your partner), etc. You can include one another in this as well---talk about it to one another or even do it together.
Also, as someone already mentioned, not making it about reaching a specific climax (orgasm), will likely take some pressure/anxiety off the situation as well. As may accepting that you may never orgasm from penetrative sex alone. I can't (I'm trans, fwiw). I can only orgasm during PIV sex if clitoral stimulation is also involved. This is something I learned through masturbation and bad sex in my first relationship.
Get some toys of varying sizes and shapes, lube and start exploring yourself and one another. It's a lot of fun.
Also, nthing that you should hold off on exploring BDSM things until later. Master the basics first. And consider that your partner may have no desire to be a 'dom'.
posted by stubbehtail at 12:57 PM on November 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
I highly recommend this book about female orgasm to increase your comfort level. Um, not linking on mobile; I Love Female Orgasm by Dorian Solot.
posted by metasarah at 1:06 PM on November 2, 2014
posted by metasarah at 1:06 PM on November 2, 2014
You should probably throw every media depiction or popular understanding about how sex works (including porn) out the window right now.
Especially porn.
Do yourselves a favour - just do it for fun, no pressure, no expectations.
posted by GeeEmm at 1:14 PM on November 2, 2014
Especially porn.
Do yourselves a favour - just do it for fun, no pressure, no expectations.
posted by GeeEmm at 1:14 PM on November 2, 2014
You have had like, zero time to get used to this stuff. In five years you'll look back and laugh. In ten years you'll laugh harder. You're young!
It took me awhile after I became sexually active to learn how to masturbate effectively with my hands. If I were you, I'd keep experimenting with masturbation, both alone AND with your partner. If right now you just have sex until he comes and then both go and curl up in a ball and fall asleep, of course that's unsatisfying. If you don't come during sex, try having him kiss you/touch your breasts/whatever turns you on while you play with yourself for awhile. You don't have to have an orgasm but experiment with feeling pleasure while with another person. If I don't come during sex, I always come afterward, by masturbating or letting my bf do his thing (unless I don't feel good or something). I say this not to put pressure on you to have an orgasm, but because you shouldn't feel like because sex is over, you should magically feel satisfied.
I've been having sex for some time now and 1) I can't handle direct clitoral stimulation either 2) I only come during PIV sex about 10-40% of the time, depending on a lot of circumstances-- whether I'm on birth control, how turned on I am, whether I'm on top (helps a lot!), how long the boyfriend can last, etc. My current bf and I have been dating for about five years and that brings the dual rewards of having the orgasm thing down to a science and also realizing that you can easily fall into a boring routine that way. There will always be challenges that only communication and honesty will help you with.
Anyway, the question of whether this is a good relationship for you is (almost) an entirely separate issue. Even if you started having great sex, maybe he's still not the guy for you. Don't conflate the issues too much. Though I will say that if I were a virgin and the first guy I had sex with was not really making me feel very satisfied after we'd given it a good try... I don't know if I could stay in that relationship for the rest of my life. Nowadays that stuff is less important to me because I've been around the block. But I've also been there with the "childish" "cute" boyfriend who made me feel more like a mom than a sexual woman and it's wasn't right for me. But follow your heart. And your vag.
posted by stoneandstar at 2:31 PM on November 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
It took me awhile after I became sexually active to learn how to masturbate effectively with my hands. If I were you, I'd keep experimenting with masturbation, both alone AND with your partner. If right now you just have sex until he comes and then both go and curl up in a ball and fall asleep, of course that's unsatisfying. If you don't come during sex, try having him kiss you/touch your breasts/whatever turns you on while you play with yourself for awhile. You don't have to have an orgasm but experiment with feeling pleasure while with another person. If I don't come during sex, I always come afterward, by masturbating or letting my bf do his thing (unless I don't feel good or something). I say this not to put pressure on you to have an orgasm, but because you shouldn't feel like because sex is over, you should magically feel satisfied.
I've been having sex for some time now and 1) I can't handle direct clitoral stimulation either 2) I only come during PIV sex about 10-40% of the time, depending on a lot of circumstances-- whether I'm on birth control, how turned on I am, whether I'm on top (helps a lot!), how long the boyfriend can last, etc. My current bf and I have been dating for about five years and that brings the dual rewards of having the orgasm thing down to a science and also realizing that you can easily fall into a boring routine that way. There will always be challenges that only communication and honesty will help you with.
Anyway, the question of whether this is a good relationship for you is (almost) an entirely separate issue. Even if you started having great sex, maybe he's still not the guy for you. Don't conflate the issues too much. Though I will say that if I were a virgin and the first guy I had sex with was not really making me feel very satisfied after we'd given it a good try... I don't know if I could stay in that relationship for the rest of my life. Nowadays that stuff is less important to me because I've been around the block. But I've also been there with the "childish" "cute" boyfriend who made me feel more like a mom than a sexual woman and it's wasn't right for me. But follow your heart. And your vag.
posted by stoneandstar at 2:31 PM on November 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
Definitely try some sex toys. A vibrator or dildo will probably help you both a whole lot. I'd also suggest trying to focus more on foreplay. If you have some fantasies, maybe try acting them out. If you really go for it, sexual roleplay can be some of the funnest stuff you'll ever do.
Sometimes you can have great sex with somebody who doesn't fulfill your every sexual need. Like, you can have a real craving for rough sex, and meet a lover who is fantastic at loving, cuddly sex but just can't click with the rough stuff. In a situation like that, you have to weigh how good the cuddly sex is against your craving for rough stuff, and figure out if that's a dealbreaker. You can always try some rough sex porn on the side, to see if that scratches an itch that's not being scratched by your cuddly lover. You don't have to get all of your sexual satisfaction from your lover. (Actually, most people probably don't.)
If this is your first sexual relationship, it's not weird to question if he's the right guy for you. You are just getting started and figuring everything out. He could be a fantastic guy, the guy you'll eventually want to marry even, but you're still learning who he is and how you guys fit together. For right now try to just enjoy what you've got and see where it goes. At the very least, it sounds like he's making a real effort to consider your needs.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 2:59 PM on November 2, 2014
Sometimes you can have great sex with somebody who doesn't fulfill your every sexual need. Like, you can have a real craving for rough sex, and meet a lover who is fantastic at loving, cuddly sex but just can't click with the rough stuff. In a situation like that, you have to weigh how good the cuddly sex is against your craving for rough stuff, and figure out if that's a dealbreaker. You can always try some rough sex porn on the side, to see if that scratches an itch that's not being scratched by your cuddly lover. You don't have to get all of your sexual satisfaction from your lover. (Actually, most people probably don't.)
If this is your first sexual relationship, it's not weird to question if he's the right guy for you. You are just getting started and figuring everything out. He could be a fantastic guy, the guy you'll eventually want to marry even, but you're still learning who he is and how you guys fit together. For right now try to just enjoy what you've got and see where it goes. At the very least, it sounds like he's making a real effort to consider your needs.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 2:59 PM on November 2, 2014
I started writing a decently long reply to this and had actually missed that you were both virgins. Also, your boyfriend sounds well... a lot like me.
On #2, the absolute best piece of advice i can give you is that when a guy first starts having sex, it's an overwhelmingly different feeling from masturbating. It's very very easy to be on the edge of orgasm 15 seconds in if there was any foreplay at all. Your penis is basically just going "O MY FUCKING GOD I GET TO GO TO FUNTOWN!".
So to get to the advice part, the number one piece of advice i can give is have a couple glasses of wine... or just some drinks or something. You don't need, or want to be drunk drunk, but solidly buzzed is the easiest way to get over that erm... hump and transition in to longer-than-that sustained deep thrusting in multiple positions and all that fun stuff. It also works great on the nervousness, anxiety, and not-sexy tension of "oh god am i fucking this up? is this what they want? are they getting tired? ahhh!".
I seriously didn't get past awkward barely-not-a-virgin sex into decent sex until i started having mild-to-moderately drunk sex. Most of my guy friends, and several of my lady friends agree with this as well.
On #1, i agree with the buy a vibrator advice. On #3 well.. it seems like you're getting to the actual PIV sex too quickly then. This could be a nervousness about lasting long thing on his part, or just wanting to get to that actual bit of it and try it out again and see if it's better or whatever. I think you guys should set aside time to do sex things but not have PIV sex. Oral, mutual masturbation, whatever. Just play around until you are turned on, and basically say that straight standard fucking is off the table unless you change your mind and want it if that even happens.
Also, on the if-youre-trying-condoms-anyways front i was going to mention those "extended pleasure" condoms that take some of the sensation off of the penis, but those can making keeping an erection harder... and if that's already a thing, then i wouldn't try those yet.
Honestly though, i think a lot of the erection issues are just nervousness. I had huge problems with that when i was a shy guy like your boyfriend, and i had just lost my virginity. This is where the booze comes in. Being a little drunk helps power through it, and it cumulatively builds confidence and gets rid of the anxiety.
And really, what a lot of other people said in here. You do just have to have a bunch of meh sex before you can get to the good sex. This is more about making that part as easy as possible.
And really, you shouldn't be jumping straight to the PIV stuff if you're not all the way turned on. Even if he comes 3 seconds in to it, he should get used to the idea of real foreplay as the norm. The other problems are well, other problems, that can be worked on after that.
I can't really comment on the domination/rougher sex thing either. You guys are still at the sort of, boning 101 stage. Once you work out the kinks in just having sex where everyone is happier and no one is super nervous or having weird expectations you can move on to that. There's a lot of foundational stuff here that definitely needs work before then.
posted by emptythought at 3:26 PM on November 2, 2014
On #2, the absolute best piece of advice i can give you is that when a guy first starts having sex, it's an overwhelmingly different feeling from masturbating. It's very very easy to be on the edge of orgasm 15 seconds in if there was any foreplay at all. Your penis is basically just going "O MY FUCKING GOD I GET TO GO TO FUNTOWN!".
So to get to the advice part, the number one piece of advice i can give is have a couple glasses of wine... or just some drinks or something. You don't need, or want to be drunk drunk, but solidly buzzed is the easiest way to get over that erm... hump and transition in to longer-than-that sustained deep thrusting in multiple positions and all that fun stuff. It also works great on the nervousness, anxiety, and not-sexy tension of "oh god am i fucking this up? is this what they want? are they getting tired? ahhh!".
I seriously didn't get past awkward barely-not-a-virgin sex into decent sex until i started having mild-to-moderately drunk sex. Most of my guy friends, and several of my lady friends agree with this as well.
On #1, i agree with the buy a vibrator advice. On #3 well.. it seems like you're getting to the actual PIV sex too quickly then. This could be a nervousness about lasting long thing on his part, or just wanting to get to that actual bit of it and try it out again and see if it's better or whatever. I think you guys should set aside time to do sex things but not have PIV sex. Oral, mutual masturbation, whatever. Just play around until you are turned on, and basically say that straight standard fucking is off the table unless you change your mind and want it if that even happens.
Also, on the if-youre-trying-condoms-anyways front i was going to mention those "extended pleasure" condoms that take some of the sensation off of the penis, but those can making keeping an erection harder... and if that's already a thing, then i wouldn't try those yet.
Honestly though, i think a lot of the erection issues are just nervousness. I had huge problems with that when i was a shy guy like your boyfriend, and i had just lost my virginity. This is where the booze comes in. Being a little drunk helps power through it, and it cumulatively builds confidence and gets rid of the anxiety.
And really, what a lot of other people said in here. You do just have to have a bunch of meh sex before you can get to the good sex. This is more about making that part as easy as possible.
And really, you shouldn't be jumping straight to the PIV stuff if you're not all the way turned on. Even if he comes 3 seconds in to it, he should get used to the idea of real foreplay as the norm. The other problems are well, other problems, that can be worked on after that.
I can't really comment on the domination/rougher sex thing either. You guys are still at the sort of, boning 101 stage. Once you work out the kinks in just having sex where everyone is happier and no one is super nervous or having weird expectations you can move on to that. There's a lot of foundational stuff here that definitely needs work before then.
posted by emptythought at 3:26 PM on November 2, 2014
Stop having sex. Seriously. Take a break from it for one month. All you can do during that month is the normal, fun stuff that you used to do before having sex. Get to know one another again and get comfortable with one another again. Build up some heat. It will help.
He sounds perfectly normal. He is worrying so much about you that he is forgetting to enjoy himself. The pill may be what is giving you difficulty by taking the fun hormones out of your cycle. You might want to try a different pill.
There is no one right way to masturbate but you do seem to be choosing a pretty boring one. Get completely undressed after a make-out session and explore your fun bits while he does his. It will be awkward at first but you can turn it into a game. Whoever finishes first has to help the other one out. Ask him to lick his fingers and gently insert two of them inside of you. You can then move against him until you and he both learn how you like it. You could get off the pill entirely and just enjoy each other without penetration.
posted by myselfasme at 6:32 PM on November 2, 2014
He sounds perfectly normal. He is worrying so much about you that he is forgetting to enjoy himself. The pill may be what is giving you difficulty by taking the fun hormones out of your cycle. You might want to try a different pill.
There is no one right way to masturbate but you do seem to be choosing a pretty boring one. Get completely undressed after a make-out session and explore your fun bits while he does his. It will be awkward at first but you can turn it into a game. Whoever finishes first has to help the other one out. Ask him to lick his fingers and gently insert two of them inside of you. You can then move against him until you and he both learn how you like it. You could get off the pill entirely and just enjoy each other without penetration.
posted by myselfasme at 6:32 PM on November 2, 2014
The pill may be what is giving you difficulty by taking the fun hormones out of your cycle. You might want to try a different pill.
I was going to say this. The pill is great in so many ways, but I was on it from 18 through 26, and had no idea what my natural lubrication or arousal felt like. I switched brands several times (finally landing on one that killed my sex drive completely) until I had to go off it for high blood pressure and, holy cow, what happened after that was amazing. So this could really, really be from the pill.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:30 PM on November 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
I was going to say this. The pill is great in so many ways, but I was on it from 18 through 26, and had no idea what my natural lubrication or arousal felt like. I switched brands several times (finally landing on one that killed my sex drive completely) until I had to go off it for high blood pressure and, holy cow, what happened after that was amazing. So this could really, really be from the pill.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:30 PM on November 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
Wanting to answer this question made me finally join metafilter!
First of all nth-ing all the kudos on your open communication- great first step!
I wouldn't stress the butterflies. I am firmly of the opinion that butterflies aren't required for great sex. In fact, you might notice you're more attracted/excited by him because the sex is great. If you have a partner that you feel safe and happy with that rocked your world the night before- you can't help but get all twitterpated glancing at them over breakfast. It's a beautiful cycle.
Most of the manual solutions have been addressed above (get a vibrator, give it time, orgasm isn't a requirement). A few additions there: I empathize with you on the "feeling far away" during oral. I've found that touching my partner's head, him reaching up and holding my hand and taking a break to talk and check in makes me feel less "lonely".
Also, I completely get the spirit of not focusing on the orgasm to the point where you stress yourself/your partner out and ruin all chances of having fun BUT that "twinge of frustration or unsatisfaction or sadness that I'm incomplete"- girl, I've been there and it sucks. If I'm not getting flustered, I don't feel bad at all pursuing an orgasm. Now, what you're describing during masterbation sounds like an orgasm. There's no reason you shouldn't do that with your partner in the room. Have him join. Hold each other while you self stimulate. If vibrators feel too impersonal, he can work on your g-spot with his fingers while you work on your clitoris. Your alone time can be a part of your joint sex life too. Start a shared tumblr, find some fun adult blogs to follow and reblog/like things that excite you. When you login you'll see everything your partner has reblogged. I find this is a great way to show someone something I might be scared to verbalize. This might also be a way to encourage him to go the raunchier route you're hoping for.
So this BDSM thing... Wanting a dominant partner while loving someone who doesn't naturally fall into that role can be tough. The best solution I've found in this situation is to create fun little rules that you can both "enforce" until someone feels comfortable taking the reins- so to speak. For instance: decide that you can do anything but kiss mouth to mouth. You'll find the boundary you set is the one thing you'll both focus on. It won't take too much out of him to deny you and you'll get at least a little thrill out of a little power play. Sometimes even just a position change (him sitting on the bed/standing with you on the floor) can give you that thrill too.
posted by Aunt Maude at 10:16 PM on November 2, 2014
First of all nth-ing all the kudos on your open communication- great first step!
I wouldn't stress the butterflies. I am firmly of the opinion that butterflies aren't required for great sex. In fact, you might notice you're more attracted/excited by him because the sex is great. If you have a partner that you feel safe and happy with that rocked your world the night before- you can't help but get all twitterpated glancing at them over breakfast. It's a beautiful cycle.
Most of the manual solutions have been addressed above (get a vibrator, give it time, orgasm isn't a requirement). A few additions there: I empathize with you on the "feeling far away" during oral. I've found that touching my partner's head, him reaching up and holding my hand and taking a break to talk and check in makes me feel less "lonely".
Also, I completely get the spirit of not focusing on the orgasm to the point where you stress yourself/your partner out and ruin all chances of having fun BUT that "twinge of frustration or unsatisfaction or sadness that I'm incomplete"- girl, I've been there and it sucks. If I'm not getting flustered, I don't feel bad at all pursuing an orgasm. Now, what you're describing during masterbation sounds like an orgasm. There's no reason you shouldn't do that with your partner in the room. Have him join. Hold each other while you self stimulate. If vibrators feel too impersonal, he can work on your g-spot with his fingers while you work on your clitoris. Your alone time can be a part of your joint sex life too. Start a shared tumblr, find some fun adult blogs to follow and reblog/like things that excite you. When you login you'll see everything your partner has reblogged. I find this is a great way to show someone something I might be scared to verbalize. This might also be a way to encourage him to go the raunchier route you're hoping for.
So this BDSM thing... Wanting a dominant partner while loving someone who doesn't naturally fall into that role can be tough. The best solution I've found in this situation is to create fun little rules that you can both "enforce" until someone feels comfortable taking the reins- so to speak. For instance: decide that you can do anything but kiss mouth to mouth. You'll find the boundary you set is the one thing you'll both focus on. It won't take too much out of him to deny you and you'll get at least a little thrill out of a little power play. Sometimes even just a position change (him sitting on the bed/standing with you on the floor) can give you that thrill too.
posted by Aunt Maude at 10:16 PM on November 2, 2014
Gosh, sounds like you two have a lot of mood-killers to contend with at once. Living with roommates makes it difficult to relax during intimacy, and that is especially true if sex is new and potentially stressful for one or both partners. I can also affirm that the pill can kill your sex drive pretty much completely. And like any new skill, sex can take a while to feel natural. Until it does, you will necessarily have less attention to devote to the simple enjoyment of the act, because you'll be too busy trying to figure out whether something works or not.
It took me a long time to learn how to relax during sex, and to be more in my body and less in my head. For a while, I thought maybe I was frigid. Turns out I was just not giving my body enough patience and was trying too hard to make it respond the way I thought my partners expected it to. I had to let go of some of my preconceptions about what sex should be. But there is something to be said for experimenting with different erotic dynamics to heighten arousal. So much of sex is mental, both for men and women, that finding dynamics that are exciting to you both is very important. You mentioned being interested in him being rough or dominant. Right now, though, it sounds as if he is struggling more with the fundamentals, and adding another layer on top of it might be beyond what he is able to manage. If he is too worried about his performance, there's not much room in the ol' noggin for anything else.
My partner sometimes struggles with maintaining an erection when he is stressed, or sick, or nervous about his ability to perform for whatever reason. His body also tends to respond negatively when the mood is killed by something he finds un-sexy. Just being relaxed and affirming helps a lot with that. If there is a mutual understanding that both of you will be satisfied just being with each other, it takes the pressure off and things can happen more naturally and enjoyably. That has the potential to help both with your boyfriend maintaining an erection and with letting your body respond to sexual feelings in its own good time.
posted by ProdigalChild at 10:28 PM on November 2, 2014
It took me a long time to learn how to relax during sex, and to be more in my body and less in my head. For a while, I thought maybe I was frigid. Turns out I was just not giving my body enough patience and was trying too hard to make it respond the way I thought my partners expected it to. I had to let go of some of my preconceptions about what sex should be. But there is something to be said for experimenting with different erotic dynamics to heighten arousal. So much of sex is mental, both for men and women, that finding dynamics that are exciting to you both is very important. You mentioned being interested in him being rough or dominant. Right now, though, it sounds as if he is struggling more with the fundamentals, and adding another layer on top of it might be beyond what he is able to manage. If he is too worried about his performance, there's not much room in the ol' noggin for anything else.
My partner sometimes struggles with maintaining an erection when he is stressed, or sick, or nervous about his ability to perform for whatever reason. His body also tends to respond negatively when the mood is killed by something he finds un-sexy. Just being relaxed and affirming helps a lot with that. If there is a mutual understanding that both of you will be satisfied just being with each other, it takes the pressure off and things can happen more naturally and enjoyably. That has the potential to help both with your boyfriend maintaining an erection and with letting your body respond to sexual feelings in its own good time.
posted by ProdigalChild at 10:28 PM on November 2, 2014
My boyfriend and I were both beginners (sounds better than virgins, no?) and here's what I would like to tell you:
It's okay if you can't come during sex. A lot of women can't. I know it's sometimes frustrating because you feel so close to him and you'd love to come with him, but you can't. You can still feel close, though. I sometimes have my boyfriend hold and kiss me while I finish myself off. (Can't believe I'm writing this on the internet.) Careful when you do this: If he comes first, he may be too exhausted. If you come first, it may hurt if he penetrates you afterwards. For some women, it does. Find out if you're one of them.
If you're more familiar with sex, he will hopefully last longer and you will know yourself better. You can then start PIV when you are close to orgasming. Look up the coital alignment position. Maybe that can help you.
posted by LoonyLovegood at 1:22 AM on November 3, 2014
It's okay if you can't come during sex. A lot of women can't. I know it's sometimes frustrating because you feel so close to him and you'd love to come with him, but you can't. You can still feel close, though. I sometimes have my boyfriend hold and kiss me while I finish myself off. (Can't believe I'm writing this on the internet.) Careful when you do this: If he comes first, he may be too exhausted. If you come first, it may hurt if he penetrates you afterwards. For some women, it does. Find out if you're one of them.
If you're more familiar with sex, he will hopefully last longer and you will know yourself better. You can then start PIV when you are close to orgasming. Look up the coital alignment position. Maybe that can help you.
posted by LoonyLovegood at 1:22 AM on November 3, 2014
he can't really sustain a repeated thrusting movement for long - maybe for about 10-15 seconds
Tell him to wear a condom. Seriously, even though you've got birth control covered, the loss in sensitivity should result in better performance and he'll likely be able to thrust for a couple minutes at a time instead of a handful of seconds.
posted by mathowie at 3:12 PM on November 4, 2014
Tell him to wear a condom. Seriously, even though you've got birth control covered, the loss in sensitivity should result in better performance and he'll likely be able to thrust for a couple minutes at a time instead of a handful of seconds.
posted by mathowie at 3:12 PM on November 4, 2014
Tell him to wear a condom.
From the question: "Not using a condom is not an option though"
posted by Dip Flash at 5:34 PM on November 4, 2014
From the question: "Not using a condom is not an option though"
posted by Dip Flash at 5:34 PM on November 4, 2014
This thread is closed to new comments.
As long as things are ok (and ideally fun and good) and are at least incrementally improving, probably the best thing you could be doing is to just keep experimenting and communicating about what works. Lowering the stakes is sometimes a really useful thing -- it's totally ok to have sex where no one comes and maybe where penetration either doesn't happen at all or is just a minor element in the whole affair.
It's possible that you guys just aren't compatible, but my reading is that things are still too new and uncertain to know that yet.
posted by Dip Flash at 11:00 AM on November 2, 2014 [5 favorites]