how do I deal with being utterly humiliated?
October 30, 2014 2:52 AM   Subscribe

I totally humiliated myself in a professional capacity, in front of lots of people. Please give me some strategies to deal and not drown in self-loathing.

Academic in the social sciences/humanities here. I was asked to give a talk on an article I wrote for a project collection, at a panel discussion about the project as a whole. The article I eventually produced barely fit into the project - it's not really what I work on and know anything about, but I was basically arm-twisted into writing it. I'm not proud of the piece I wrote, and it's so tangentially related to the project that I feel like a total fraud even being part of it. And in talking about the article at this panel, out of sheer loss at what to say about it, I ended up saying a whole bunch of incredibly idiotic things in front of a lot of important people who cared a lot about this project, as well as people who are important in my actual fields of study. What I ended up presenting and talking about had nothing to do with the concerns of the entire panel or project, and was totally crazy to boot.

I don't know why I did it. I should have just not attended the event (which was an option). I'm now drowning in a sea of self-loathing and humiliation. The person who invited me to this, and who is an important person in my academic career, clearly now thinks I am an idiot and dangerous liability. I am kicking myself for agreeing to show up and talk about it when I knew from the beginning that it was a ridiculous outlier in the collection and talking about it in front of people would just make that even clearer. That's not even to consider the idiotic way in which I talked about it, and how I totally failed in the presentation to make even a plausible effort to make the connections between my contribution and the project, which was clearly the opportunity I was being given here.

I can't stop twisting up and screaming inside about how ghastly it was, and how much my academic reputation (which was under close scrutiny, as this is one of the first times I've spoken in public since I started as an assistant prof. at a good school) has been dealt a horrible blow. I met a lot of important people for the first time through doing this, and am horrified at the first impression they must have of me. I know the whole shtick about not caring what people think, but of course, the truth is that academia is all about what people think of you, so that isn't really an option, and thinking it's not the case is sheer delusion.

so having been utterly humiliated, I would really appreciate any tips and strategies for dealing with these waves of self-loathing, for dealing with the aftermath of having to face colleagues after this debacle, for helping myself not let this eat away at me...anything that you have found helpful in the past in getting over these crippling negative feelings about something you've done that can't be changed or fixed now.... Thanks in advance.
posted by starcrust to Work & Money (40 answers total) 24 users marked this as a favorite
 
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. A couple of thoughts:

1. Almost certainly this is not nearly as bad as you think it is. I'm an academic myself, and the absolute worst thing I've thought about someone's talk is "That was kind of incoherent / boring." Then I have forgotten it within a few days, or a week maximum. People tend to remember the good talks that made them think new ideas. So even if you were the blithering idiot you think you were, this is totally the kind of thing a career can easily recover from. Give another good talk or write some awesome papers and people's memories will be replaced by that.

In the absolute worst case, it will take longer to get where you want to in your career than if you hadn't given the talk. But in the grand scheme of things, one talk is nothing -- unless you let it cow you to the point that you don't dare venture out again.

2. For the people who you know more personally (e.g., who invited you), you can mitigate any damage there is by talking privately. Don't go up to them and say something like "Just so you know, here is the reason I sucked..." but see if you can manage to talk to them about the discussion and work in there (casually!) that you are sorry it wasn't up to your normal standards for X and Y reasons. If you can't do this without apologising profusely or making a big deal of it, it's better to just let it go. Because, seriously, there is no way this is that bad -- no matter how it feels right now.
posted by forza at 3:14 AM on October 30, 2014 [38 favorites]


Here's a technique that's worked well for me on a few occasions where I've screwed up badly:

Imagine yourself five or ten years down the road and successful in your field, at a gathering, telling some colleagues the hilarious story of how badly you embarrassed yourself as a young professor, the very first time you spoke at a panel. You'll laugh, they'll laugh, and then they'll tell their own stories of the stupid things they did when they were starting off their own careers.

Every successful person has fuckup stories like this. Now you have one of your own. In the big scheme of academic screw-ups, this one is pretty minor -- nobody got fired, no laws were broken, and you didn't embarrass anyone besides yourself.

Also, do you have any trusted friends or mentors in your field who were present at the presentation and who you can talk to honestly? Talking to someone who was there might help you process what happened, and they could help give you some perspective.
posted by mekily at 3:20 AM on October 30, 2014 [52 favorites]


What's really great is this: I was going to say that this type of shitshow experience can be incredibly valuable as long as you learn something from it, but in your question it's clear that you HAVE learned quite a bit so as not to do something like this again.

So from that perspective, you're golden.

And be kinder to yourself. We've all sat through conferences and everyone there is keenly aware of how difficult they are. People are mostly kind and at worst, might think your discussion wasn't relevant entirely to them, but they respect that you did it. Then they move on.

Trust me, it's not a glaring ERRORERRORERROR in the minds of others.

Reframe your thinking into, "Wow. I have just done the dopiest thing ever, but that is over, I lived through it, and I'm certain I learned from the experience," and move on.
posted by kinetic at 3:25 AM on October 30, 2014 [5 favorites]


I'm going to take at face-value your statement that your presentation was bad. I am 100% sure it wasn't as bad as you think, because we judge ourselves more harshly than anyone else, but for argument's sake, let's say it WAS bad.

You could seek advice from senior academics. Something along the lines of, "Do you have any feedback for me? I feel like my presentation didn't go as well as I would have wanted." Actually, this makes for a good opportunity to strengthen relationships with senior colleagues. They will be impressed with your desire to improve, and you will benefit from their feedback and experience.

This will help you recalibrate the presentation as a great opportunity to learn and improve, rather than a bad experience. It already sounds like you have because you realised the conference wasn't a great fit for your paper, and that you didn't manage to highlight the connections between your topic and the topic of the conference. That's two mistakes you won't make again.

Also, try to get other opportunities to talk in public as soon as possible. This is helpful because your colleagues won't remember you as "starcrust who gave that one talk which wasn't that great" but "starcrust who's given a number of talks, some of which were pretty good".
posted by Ziggy500 at 3:44 AM on October 30, 2014 [3 favorites]


I'm sorry that this happened to you. I would treat it somewhat like a trauma, because it is to you.

In the short term, take care of your physical needs. Don't hesitate to take over the counter medication for things like an inability to sleep or a stress headache - don't punish yourself that way. Eat well and regularly, wear comfortable clothing, get outside as much as you can, pet some friendly animals. Ask some friends to spend time with you doing something low-stress that you enjoy. It might sound silly to you but a strong foundation really will help you process the "waves of self-loathing" better.

Forza is totally right that most people remember the outstanding good rather than the confusing and incoherent bad. Especially since you say your talk was only tangentially related to their project, these passionate people are more likely to consider it a wasted chunk of their day rather than a direct offense that they have to focus on and refute. You will have other chances, and you are not walking about with a label on you face reminding people of that one time you bombed a presentation. Nobody has a grudge against you. Most people default to kindness simply because it's easier.

It really does help to talk to someone. Does your school have counseling or therapy services you can utilize? People go to therapy for short term trouble as well as long term problems. Even just one session might help you get into a space where you can think about what happened in a productive way.

It seems like you've learned a lot about things like when to say no and what you can and cannot handle in terms of academia BS. You will probably continue to learn about how your life continues after not succeeding at something important and you lose some progress. It's cliche for a reason, but this is a learning experience.

I would be most concerned about the person who invited you. You say they clearly think some very negative things about you. Did they actually vocalize exactly that to you, or are you just thinking they obviously think that way without any confirmation? It's true that they could be upset with you, and it's true that you may have diminished a professional connection, but I suspect that you are (quite understandably) making it worse in your mind. They might be mad at themself for forcing you to wedge your way into an event for which your area of study was a bad fit. They could be looking at it as a learning experience too. You might thank them for the opportunity, to communicate that you're not faulting them, although that might feel particularly sour at the moment.

Really though, in terms of handling your emotions, you can't let yourself dwell on regret. Try to turn your regret into wisdom. Tell yourself all the new things you know now. And begin to think about ways to get another chance to do an excellent talk that avoids the pitfalls you've learned about.

Expect your mood to vacillate wildly as you work through this. Try to stick to a schedule, and give yourself structure. Check out your therapy options. It might surprise you how fast you'll be able to think about what happened in a "yeah, that was a mistake, wasn't it" sort of way. That's when you start building back up what you've lost.
posted by Mizu at 3:50 AM on October 30, 2014 [6 favorites]


It's going to be OK. It really is.

I just did something similar. I gave a presentation on a topic that was controversial and not sitting well with the audience (think a government lawyer defending a hugely disliked new law). I said several things that I found out later were dead wrong, and during the course of the presentation an audience member drove a truck right through a huge gaping wound in my logic that I hadn't even notice. Part of the problem was I had to rely on data someone else had collected, but still, I should have caught it. I felt pretty stupid. But . . . several people, including everyone in my office and several of the audience members (who were still not convinced) told me I did a good job at the presentation, though I felt like an idiot for several days after.

So this: The person who invited me to this, and who is an important person in my academic career, clearly now thinks I am an idiot and dangerous liability. might not be true. I suspect this is you panicking, unless the person who invited you to do this actually walked up and said so. If the person was giving off weird vibes, it might be because the person was thinking, "Oh crap, I really twisted starcrust into doing this, starcrust is so mad at me that it went off the rails, everything is a disaster, I'm stupid, stupid stupid."

I'm currently in counseling with a doctor who emphasizes mindfulness practice and although you're currently in distress some of the things might be helpful for you. I'm reading The Mindful Way Through Depression and at a part about recognizing our thoughts as separate from reality -- they're just thoughts, not gospel truth, when they run through our heads. Some principles of mindfulness might be helpful. However, with all the self-loathing you're experiencing, it might be worth exploring some counseling a little deeper. Some of us (me included) will absolutely flagellate ourselves where a more balanced response might have been to be irritated at the person who invited you, or to make a joke to the audience about how much it sucked and not beat up themselves mentally for days.

This will pass. I've done stupid things that still haunt me, but time fades the sting. Good luck.
posted by mibo at 4:10 AM on October 30, 2014 [5 favorites]


Get out there as soon as possible and present in public again. Because you know what's way worse than messing up in public? Vanishing from the public eye for a couple of years. The first thing happens to everyone. The second thing puts a dent in your career.
posted by Omnomnom at 4:15 AM on October 30, 2014 [10 favorites]


Your perceptions about this are, to at least some extent, probably pretty distorted thinking... this is driving your anxiety.

Follow the advice given above, get firm data on the reality of your fears and let it go. Move on....
posted by HuronBob at 4:25 AM on October 30, 2014 [1 favorite]


I am not going to take at face value your claim that the talk was bad, even though in general I don't care for "questioning the premise" Ask MeFi answers. Why? Because

1. You present no reason to think the talk was bad, except that it felt bad to you; but more importantly,

2. It is a critical life skill for academics to learn not to trust your own judgment about what's good and what's bad, because our sensors are always set to "perfectionist."

When I was just starting out, my first year after Ph.D., I was talking to a senior professor, and I said something about how a result of mine was not that strong, and he said to me, "Never judge your own work. The world is full of people who will do that job for you." Best advice I ever got!

But "Forget about it, it's not that bad" is not helpful advice, even if it's true. So: this is why you have a tenure mentor in your department (Assuming your department has its act together.) That's who you talk to about stuff like this. You say, "I felt like that talk went badly, here are four things that dissatisfied me about it, how should I change it?" And you go from there.
posted by escabeche at 4:39 AM on October 30, 2014 [13 favorites]


It helps to very quietly say "I forgive myself" over and over. I've done this before and it seems to dissipate the self loathing. You would forgive a friend if they did this and you would realize that sometimes we do stupid things and just mess up, so forgive yourself. Peace.
posted by gt2 at 4:50 AM on October 30, 2014 [2 favorites]


Your talk couldn't have been that bad, I mean, you weren't in the newspaper, right? Give yourself a break. Half of your audience was probably sleeping anyway.
posted by oceanjesse at 4:51 AM on October 30, 2014 [3 favorites]


I have some background in academia/conferences and it is very common for there to be at least one speaker or contribution that doesn't make a lot of sense or really fit with the overall theme. and I have never, ever given it a moment's thought. it's just how these things are.

let me give you another example of a very public humiliation that one of my law colleagues (a very nice person) endured ... she had a meltdown in a felony jury trial in which she was representing.a defendant. The.meltdown was so bad that the judge declared a mistrial. That is, he stopped the trial, concluding there was a manifest necessity to retry the case, and it had to be done all over again with a new jury, etc. Guess what? many people in the criminal bar in my city knew about this but they didn't care. it was simply a blip on the radar, a tale of how tough this job can be on attorneys. No one judged her, she holds her head high and still practices law.

I really think -- and I'm not just saying this to make you feel good -- that this is not a big deal to others, in fact it's not a deal at all, and that you are wildly catastrophizing with the "idiot" and "dangerous liability" (really??) stuff.
posted by jayder at 5:00 AM on October 30, 2014 [18 favorites]


This is not as bad as you are making it out to be. You are beating yourself up more than you deserve.

No one close to you, no one of importance in your life, is going to judge you absolutely based on one speech. And who cares about what other people think.

Everyone stumbles in life. Get up and shake the dust off, and come back swinging.

This too shall pass.
posted by Flood at 5:13 AM on October 30, 2014 [1 favorite]


I think that going to your mentor and asking for feedback is a good idea - very often, showing that you know you made a mistake can be good for your relationships and your reputation. (I'm not an academic, but I do some Things Where Exactly What You Say Is A Big Deal, and I have one totally spectacular fuck-up to my credit.) Ask for feedback and then cue your responses to theirs - do they seem like "eh, yes, that wasn't so great"? Then respond to them like you made a minor mistake. If they seem like it was huge, outline some steps you can take to make sure it doesn't happen again - not speaking on panels unless it's directly in your field, etc.

This is a long road. (I work around academics.) If you are collegial and thoughtful going forward, people will write it off as a blip. Other people fuck up too - even famous and important academics have had fuck-up moments, or come off looking like fools.

Just a side note - if this is how you usually react to any definite mistake (ie, if you habitually twist yourself up over stuff, can't sleep, feel like you have destroyed everything), it is worthwhile to seek therapy. My own spectacular (and at the time, seemingly life-destroying and indicative of general personal failure) fuck-up was what prompted me to seek therapy, because it basically introduced a total personal collapse. It was also something where I fucked up in front of locally important people, had an event that I had organized go totally off the rails and said a bunch of stuff that was wrong/fatuous/unsuitable in front of an audience, and I seriously did not see how I could go on. Therapy has helped me to be able to deal with mistakes - it's easier for me to forgive myself, to see my mistake in context and to recognize its appropriate scale. Also, the fuck-up did not destroy my life - the only relationships which were weaker (post-apology and post-post-mortem) were the ones where I slunk away in shame and basically did not talk to people much.

In general, the more you act like this was unfortunate but no big deal, the more you can hypnotize people into forgetting/dismissing it. I have seen people forget/dismiss Really Bad Things, things where you'd expect everyone involved to have slunk away to live their lives in shame and seclusion and I'm always surprised to see them walking around. Something like "as a junior academic I said a few fool things at a panel early in my career"...in a year hardly anyone will remember, and if you're doing a good job otherwise, the people who do remember will be viewed as mean-spirited and petty. (And again, I know from academics - having a long memory for early mistakes of your colleagues is not actually an asset.)
posted by Frowner at 5:13 AM on October 30, 2014 [10 favorites]


As I read your well-written tale of woe, inner footage of a professional ice skater falling and then getting up and continuing her routine came into my mind's eye. That act was more impressive than her outstanding routine.
posted by rmmcclay at 5:29 AM on October 30, 2014 [2 favorites]


Oh man, I feel for you. been there done that, as has my academic SO Mr. Bluesky43. I think the first comment was right on target. The suggestion of speaking to an academic mentor (I hope you have one that is supportive but also willing to give you honest advice) and the organizer of the session is good advice. I liked the strategy of saying something like ' that didn't go as well as I had hoped' and see what kind of feedback you get from the organizer. Don't over do it but what you can do is make it clear to the organizer that you were not on your game and you know it - this is only in the service of letting the organizer know this is not your typical performance. But honestly, these feelings will subside and I would be very surprised if there are any long term consequences for you, only short term pain.
posted by bluesky43 at 5:29 AM on October 30, 2014 [1 favorite]


I have some background in academia/conferences and it is very common for there to be at least one speaker or contribution that doesn't make a lot of sense or really fit with the overall theme. and I have never, ever given it a moment's thought. it's just how these things are.

Yes, even if you did as badly as you think you did (which I doubt because your question sounds like someone who is perhaps hard on themselves) no one is going to remember it tomorrow. The most I've ever done when I've sat through a terrible presentation at an academic or professional conference is think 'good lord how is this relevant?' and move on. It's a repeated pattern of baffling presentations that would cement that sort of reputation in the minds of the people in your professional circle.

I think Frowner is right - check with your mentor about what you can do to improve next time. That will show them that you're thinking critically about what you did, that you want to do better, and that you are willing to work on it.

And try to be as kind and supportive of yourself as you would be of a friend who had a bad presentation. You wouldn't harp on how bad it was to them, would you? You'd encourage them to do better and reassure them that one bad presentation is not the sum total of their worth as a professional. You should do that for yourself.
posted by winna at 5:34 AM on October 30, 2014 [1 favorite]


I mean I once had to sit through a presentation where the speaker somehow derailed themselves into spending a good half of the talk enthusing about the market potential for a new type of company from which people rented the wall-to-wall carpet in their homes rather than buying it. You couldn't possibly have been that bad. Even with that man, I remember that it happened but don't remember his name or affiliation; if I did I'd just chalk it up to sometimes things happen when you get up in front of an audience.
posted by winna at 5:38 AM on October 30, 2014 [3 favorites]


i'm going to speculate here, but to me this sounds like:
1) you are early career, untenured faculty
2) the person who invited you is a friend or mentor with tenure.

If these are true, then here's what happened: The panel friend/mentor knew your work wasn't closely related, but invited you anyway so you would have more to put on your c.v. He/she knows that no one will read the article or remember the the talk, and is looking out for what actually matters: your promotion file. The conclusions you should draw are:

1) The panel was not really optional, because you need it on your c.v.
2) saying no to the article was also not an option
3) nobody really expected either to be good.
4) still, it would be nice if they were good, and you should do better in the future.
5) your is taking an interest in your promotion because he/she believes mentor/friend belives you have potential.
6) you will do better in the future.

in other words: flag it as c.v. padding and move on.

/ipad post, sorry about typos.
posted by yeolcoatl at 5:41 AM on October 30, 2014 [8 favorites]


Oh, I still sometimes wake up screaming at 2 a.m., in horror at a presentation I gave in front of like a thousand people. Ha! I was freakishly sick, and slightly underprepared, and I came off CRAZY. And you know what? It's fine. A couple things about you and me:

• It wasn't as bad as it felt, for sure.

• Literally no one else is talking about it or remembering it right now.

• The shame cycle of replaying it is self-reinforcing. Disrupt yourself when you think about it. Stop cringing, stop brutalizing yourself with it. Like if you have to wear a rubber band on your wrist and snap yourself every time you think about it, DO THAT.

• For all you know, someone there LOVED it.

• You haven't actually been humiliated, unless someone stops by your Facebook or Twitter or whatever to tell you what a complete idiot you are, or unless your department head calls you in to give you a dressing down.

• Get back on that horse. It's the only thing that really works.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 5:50 AM on October 30, 2014 [6 favorites]


RJ was it you who did the carpet talk? It's okay you can tell us we're all friends here.

I once gave a talk and completely blanked out on what I was saying for what felt like an eternity. Sometimes I have nightmares in which I'm back there standing frozen staring out at a sea of bored faces. But people complimented me on it afterward and apparently only I noticed the aphasia incident. It happens to everyone!
posted by winna at 5:54 AM on October 30, 2014 [3 favorites]


I've sat through some really awful/irrelevant/incoherent academic talks, including one conference panel that was so bad someone in the audience actually climbed out of a window to escape (not kidding), and I have never once even thought the words 'ridiculous' or 'fraud' about the speakers. They just didn't make that much of an impression. I find it very, very unlikely that yours was the first talk in history that was so bad people were actually paying rapt attention to how bad it was rather than tuning out, doodling in margins, and messing around on Facebook - honestly, people just don't care that much.

So the problem is not that everyone else thinks badly of you over this. The problem is that you think badly of you over this, to a degree that's going to paralyse you rather than drive you to do better in future.

It would probably help you to have some concrete steps to take, so you can feel like you're moving forward rather than whirling around in circles of guilt and self-flagellation. Talking to your mentor about steps you could take to improve is a good idea if you think that would help you; making some kind of promise to yourself that "next time I give a presentation like that, I will spend X hours beforehand making sure it fits with the project" or "next time, I'll run a short synopsis by a friend whose judgement I trust and ask if it sounds relevant or totally off the wall." I don't think the actual step you take matters anywhere near so much as having a step you take, so you know you're moving forward and acting on this rather than withdrawing into a little huddle of shame.

It'll be fine. Really.
posted by Catseye at 6:00 AM on October 30, 2014 [1 favorite]


Hi there,
I'm a tenured prof in a similar field. I just want to reassure that this really is not going to be the one thing that people remember about you.
I believe you had a previous question about imposter syndrome? I think this incredibly strong reaction you're having is an unfortunate aspect of imposter syndrome. It's as if you're not just beating yourself up about this one presentation but about the fact that you've been exposed as a fraud on a fundamental level. The fact that you really don't have expertise in this one area is probably heightening the imposter sensation that is already there. Of course, though, imposter syndrome is an occupational hazard here. I think tons of people have it, and it's important not to let it become more real to your image of yourself than everything else. This sentence : The person who invited me to this, and who is an important person in my academic career, clearly now thinks I am an idiot and dangerous liability. I believe this is highly unlikely even if this person expressed some disapproval over this one presentation. This mentor knows and admires a lot about you and it is very doubtful that no matter how much you babbled on, that they are going to erase all other evidence and take this one presentation as the sum of your worth.
. Your next talk will be better, and the last talk will fade. Really.
FWIW I have seen amazing, award winning prolific scholars give talks where the audience basically yelled at them. THe more you are out there in this career the more you might get disapproval along with approval. Try as hard a you can not to let the negative responses define you to yourself! They fade, they really do.
posted by third rail at 6:01 AM on October 30, 2014 [7 favorites]


As a fellow early-career academic, let me agree with everyone who says it almost certainly wasn't as bad at the time as you think it was, and absolutely nobody else is thinking about it now, even if it wasn't great. Conferences are important, but there's countless shitty speakers out there who survive and thrive on the quality of their written work.

The advice to speak to a mentor is good, but also looking at your past questions, there is a lot of anxiety around you speaking in public in general. Have you thought about getting beta-blockers from your doctor? It might do you a world of good and let you focus on your presentation rather than on your nerves.
posted by modernnomad at 6:03 AM on October 30, 2014 [2 favorites]


No one is ever thinking about you as much as you are thinking about yourself. The same holds true now. Even if your presentation was terrible, people aren't going to keep thinking about it the way you think they are.
posted by J. Wilson at 6:16 AM on October 30, 2014 [3 favorites]


I've seen genuinely bad academic talks, from full-blown panic-attacks and meltdowns, to a person who didn't speak a language in which they claimed to be fluent, to one person who appeared to be an actual imposter (as in, it became clear during the job talk and Q&A that he certainly wasn't the person who had written his dissertation or job application materials). What you described was more like what you see at every conference, someone whose work doesn't quite fit and/or hasn't been quite fully thought through. Everyone has been there/done that, and as said above this is just a line on your CV and a learning experience.

But given how perfectionist academics can be, I think it's important that the learning experience isn't "next time prepare more and be perfect," but rather "huh, I guess screwing up a bit isn't that big of a deal, so let's keep on putting new research out there and taking risks." People can get way too risk averse and only present when "their work is ready," whereas you only actually improve by putting it out there and getting feedback.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:20 AM on October 30, 2014 [6 favorites]


I feel you. I can tell you that years later, those moments when I did something humiliating and stupid still flash into my mind and make me feel like crap.

It's hard to change how you feel. But rationally you need to remind yourself that this wasn't a big deal. If you pick up yourself and go on like nothing happened, confident in your field and research, self-promoting as always, no one will remember this moment.

Also, looking through your AskMe history, half of them are related to your insecurity and anxiety. That's a pattern. The issue isn't blowing it at this particular workshop panel. The issue is your underlying anxiety that you need to address.
posted by deanc at 6:36 AM on October 30, 2014 [2 favorites]


Oh, also, I've been speaking for a long time now, and just gave the second worst talk of my career a couple weeks ago. Similar story. I was invited by people with interests different from my own, and I just flubbed it for no good reason. Bad talks happen. Everybody gives them once in a while. Forgiveness is easy. That's why even though my talk was terrible and everybody knew it, I got a sincere thank you note from the inviter the next day. Now we all forget it and move on. In fact, it took me an hour of following this thread to even remember it just happened to me. I guess the (entirely unhelpful) lesson is, we get better at recovering from bad talks with experience.
posted by yeolcoatl at 6:42 AM on October 30, 2014


I'm not an academic, but I have some small experience with public humiliation *sigh* ...

The one thing I would like to mention is that dealing with this situation is - like many of life's major hurdles - largely a matter of endurance. Don't give up. Don't do anything stupid like suicide. Just wake up, make it through the day, repeat. In the words of Takeshi Kovacs: "just make it to the next screen".

With time will come healing, and perspective. Someone above mentioned how you'll someday tell this story to people, and laugh. It's the truth.
posted by doctor tough love at 7:05 AM on October 30, 2014 [1 favorite]


Hi. I'm an anxious academic in the social sciences. I struggled with anxiety throughout my PhD. Every meeting with my advisor was followed by days of recalling little bits of our conversations and hating what I sounded like. "Did I actually say that? Does she know how dumb I am now?" I did this with all faculty, actually. I have imposter syndrome and did worry a lot about being discovered as a fraud throughout my academic career.

Then I started treating my anxiety and I no longer stay up at night thinking about whether my advisor thinks I'm an idiot. Yesterday I was putting a conference presentation together and I had a flash of "oh no this is insane, completely crazy, I can't believe I sent the article this is based on in as a writing sample for a tenure track job, what is wrong with me." And then I read my glowing peer reviews and was like "oh calm down sockermom, your work is fine, in fact, it's great, according to your peers." And then I kept working.

I highly recommend talking to a therapist about your anxiety. I started medication a few months ago and I no longer get into spirals of anxiety like the one illustrated in your post. I am still critical of my work but I don't go down the rabbit hole of self loathing and awfulness that I used to.

Also, read a good review you've received or look at your CV again or remind yourself that you recently got a TT job at a good school. You belong there. Getting your anxiety under control will help you focus on what matters - not flailing again in a public talk - and not on your past missteps. If you spiral around this incident for the next few days or weeks, you'll lose valuable work time and will really learn nothing from this whole experience. Use it as a catalyst to get your anxiety under control, not as a worry stone to beat yourself up with.

Best of luck.
posted by sockermom at 7:06 AM on October 30, 2014 [4 favorites]


I would do some reading about the spotlight effect, and also take this quote to heart:

“Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment.” -- Karen Crockett
posted by alex1965 at 7:33 AM on October 30, 2014 [1 favorite]


Hey, at least you're not being sued by the state of Montana for a poorly thought out field experiment! On the scale of career-ruining mistakes, a shitty conference presentation is VERY low on the totem pole. I get that it feels really horrible in the moment (and believe me, I've been there too), but put it in perspective. You haven't been caught fabricating data, sleeping with students, plagiarizing, breaking laws, skipping IRB review, etc. etc. And people's careers survive those things too.

My first step would be to call up that grad school friend who was your biggest cheerleader/friend and get some cheerleading/friend time. I have a few friends from grad school who know my work well enough that I can trust them (i.e. not my mom, who of course will tell me I'm amazing but it doesn't count because she has no idea what I do!), and who also believe in me and I believe in them. I know and trust them well enough that I can have a venting session without gossip getting out, and in the end they'll say YOU ARE AMAZING, YOU ROCK, etc. :) (Of course, I do the same for them when needed!) Academia can be such a fucking negative environment, that you need those people who are in it with you and can support you. So whoever that is for you, give them a call right now.
posted by rainbowbrite at 7:42 AM on October 30, 2014 [1 favorite]


The one thing I've found helpful in these situations is to say to myself, "Ausamor, you messed up big time, and you've got to turn it into a learning experience." Then I spend an hour or so thinking up (and writing down) all the lessons learned - I try to wring every possible bit of wisdom from the thing. So, your first lesson learned was "next time, just don't attend." OK, but what if that's not an option? Anything you could have done differently if you only realized what was going on halfway through? What about immediate damage control afterward?. I hope to have 5 or so actual, concrete pieces of advice for myself in future situations by the end of it.

At the end, I say, "Ausamor, you messed up big time, but at least you were brave enough to face it and smart enough to learn 5 new things from it, and that's the best you can do."

When I start to experience the squirmy memories later, I run through my 5 lessons learned. It helps.
posted by Ausamor at 8:41 AM on October 30, 2014 [3 favorites]


Have you thought about getting beta-blockers from your doctor?

Seconding this! It makes a huge difference in the physical symptoms of anxiety without causing undue brain fogginess or impacting alertness. Highly recommended. It's something you just take before a big public speaking event, not a regular prescription, and it really does a world of good for public speaking anxiety.

My favorite advice I ever got about situations like this is that screwing up puts you in a better position to empathize with and give advice to other people when they screw up. As you advance in your career, you'll have to mentor lots of students through situations like this, and you've just become a bit more qualified to do so! Now when someone comes to you with a story about screwing something up, you'll be able to think back to this and tell them what you learned, and you'll be more empathetic to their mistakes. Hearing a story like yours can help to assuage their impostor syndrome - "Oh wow, Prof X felt this way too? But s/he's so talented and capable! I guess it happens to everyone," etc.

This sounded like a weak consolation prize to me until I started encountering early professors who didn't have many experiences like this - many of them still expect everyone to be as 'perfect' as they are and don't have much to offer in the way of mentorship if people make mistakes. Having this experience will help you be that much better equipped to deal with it when your students comes to you with their mistakes.
posted by dialetheia at 8:58 AM on October 30, 2014 [3 favorites]


So I got this from a Brene Brown book but it works for me (and believe me I am no stranger to making a fool of myself): Tell someone you are absolutely 100% sure will listen and commiserate and basically be on your side all of the gory details of your public "humiliation". By doing this, it kind of convinces your brain that the world will go on and the people who truly matter will still like you no matter what stupid things you do. Of course this requires having someone awesome like that in your life to begin with (which hopefully you do).
posted by Jess the Mess at 9:39 AM on October 30, 2014 [2 favorites]


Whenever I teach a class session that didn't go well, I have that "I'm a terrible teacher" feeling, and it can linger until I teach my next class that goes better. Then I leave that next class thinking "Hey, maybe I'm pretty good at this." It's not exactly the same thing as your situation, but I think the dynamic is similar. Seek out opportunities to do a presentation of material that is solid and that you are proud of, hopefully in front of that same colleague. The older flub will fade.

Also, I've found that sometimes you can leave feeling terrible from a presentation, only to go over it in your head and realize that it didn't actually go that badly. The way it feels to present, and the way your presentation is received, is often not the same thing. This is often the case if the timing of the panel prevents me from having food at a normal meal or snack time.
posted by umbú at 11:31 AM on October 30, 2014 [1 favorite]


Lots of good answers here, and I join the chorus of those saying it certainly wasn't as bad as you thought and it certainly won't define anyone's image of you. I thought it might help to provide a historical anecdote for context. One of the most famous flops of all time was the opening of the play Guy Domville in 1895; the author was too nervous to be in the theater, so he went elsewhere and returned for the curtain call—whereupon he was heartily booed by the entire audience, which had been manifesting its unhappiness with the lugubrious, undramatic play for the whole three acts. He stood there, not knowing what to do or say, as the catcalls resounded. When he'd gone home and recovered somewhat, he wrote in his notebook:
I take up my own old pen again - the pen of all my old unforgettable efforts and sacred struggles. To myself - today - I need say no more. Large and full and high the future still opens. It is now indeed that I may do the work of my life. And I will.
The author was Henry James, and he did some pretty good work, for which he is rightly remembered. The disaster survives only as an anecdote. Take heart, and do the work of your life!
posted by languagehat at 12:59 PM on October 30, 2014 [6 favorites]


Everyone else is too busy fixating on all the stupid/embarrassing things they've ever done themselves to pay that much attention to you.
posted by Jacqueline at 1:17 PM on October 30, 2014 [4 favorites]


I am an academic. I can think of about 5-10 really amazingly terrible talks I have ever been to. I'm not talking boring or incoherent, but, like, racist, or founded on a really obvious error of undergraduate-level understanding, or in one memorable case, a conspiracy theory about aliens (I think that researcher was perhaps off their medication).

You know what? I can't recall the names of any of those speakers. I can remember the details of the talk, but nothing about the person who gave it.

In a few years time, I think others won't remember you gave this talk either. Meanwhile, think about all the other people in your field who weren't there, and are not closely enough connected to your location to hear about it. You are still totally unsullied in their eyes. Focus on that.
posted by lollusc at 4:16 PM on October 30, 2014 [2 favorites]


Response by poster: I wanted to say I'm overwhelmed and so grateful for the outpouring of support both here and in my inbox. I know I am struggling with all kinds of things and have been for a while. To be honest I don't see a whole lot of options for not feeling like this. Somehow the few attempts at therapy I've had have never been all that useful, and I'm high functioning enough that I never seem like I need help (so even the very few mentors I've had over the years tend to be quite benignly hands-off, or maybe I just don't really know how to ask for help). Things have gotten a bit better for me since landing a job and finding some stability I haven't ever had, but in a way, that was in itself more cause for imposter syndrome, since I am convinced the department has made a huge mistake in choosing me above all the other far more qualified candidates who applied. So I continue to feel inadequate, fraudulent and never quite on top of all the reading, teaching, researching and thinking - in an otherwise incredible job. But there you go. I'm sure I could be some kind of poster child for academia as a whole...

So, thank you everyone. I haven't marked any particular "Best answers" because they have all been incredibly helpful, especially taken as a supportive and sympathetic whole. The advice to be forgiving to myself, and to try to get hold of some perspective, has been most immediately useful. I'll also be writing back to people who have reached out on memail over the next few days too. Thank you, again.
posted by starcrust at 3:13 AM on October 31, 2014 [3 favorites]


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