Stepmom? Dad's wife? Her?
October 28, 2014 9:31 AM Subscribe
How do you refer to your widowed parent's new spouse, when you are talking to someone who does not know them?
My mother died in 2010, and my dad remarried over the summer. When talking to my dad, or another family member about her, I'll just call her "Laura" - "How's Laura doing/I went out to dinner with Dad and Laura the other night", etc.
But if I'm talking to someone who doesn't know Laura, it gets....weird. "Stepmom" seems more for someone who has an active parenting role over you (I'm in my early 40's). "My dad's wife" seems too clinical and mean-spirited. They're not going to know who I mean when I say "Laura".
Am I overthinking this? What do you say?
My mother died in 2010, and my dad remarried over the summer. When talking to my dad, or another family member about her, I'll just call her "Laura" - "How's Laura doing/I went out to dinner with Dad and Laura the other night", etc.
But if I'm talking to someone who doesn't know Laura, it gets....weird. "Stepmom" seems more for someone who has an active parenting role over you (I'm in my early 40's). "My dad's wife" seems too clinical and mean-spirited. They're not going to know who I mean when I say "Laura".
Am I overthinking this? What do you say?
I would certainly say "my dad's wife" or "my father's wife." It's not mean-spirited, it's just what she is. I agree with not saying "stepmother" or "stepmom" because that relationship is really different if you're an adult when your parent remarries. (And I say this as a stepmom myself and as the spouse of someone whose father remarried when my spouse was an adult, and these are exactly the terms we use.)
posted by dlugoczaj at 9:35 AM on October 28, 2014 [37 favorites]
posted by dlugoczaj at 9:35 AM on October 28, 2014 [37 favorites]
I'd probably say "My dad's new wife" or "My dad's new wife, Laura" if I was trying to initiate a lasting connection to the name.
posted by humboldt32 at 9:35 AM on October 28, 2014
posted by humboldt32 at 9:35 AM on October 28, 2014
You could say 'a family member.' Also stepmom and Dad's wife sound like they are coming from a child or young adult. 'Stepmother' and 'Father's wife' sound more mature to me.
posted by maya at 9:35 AM on October 28, 2014
posted by maya at 9:35 AM on October 28, 2014
"Stepmom" or "Dad's wife" are both totally fine, and people are not reading as much into either as you think they are. Whichever makes you most comfortable. If these are people who should know who a "Laura" is in regular conversations then you can give more detail as appropriate, if not, they probably don't care that much (in a specifics sense) about how this person is related to you.
posted by brainmouse at 9:36 AM on October 28, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by brainmouse at 9:36 AM on October 28, 2014 [2 favorites]
I'd watch out for "new wife"--put a time limit on it, if you use it. (Just married this past summer is probably OK.) I say this because my spouse's ex referred to me as the "new wife" for a good five years after we got married, and that WAS meant to sound snippy. No pun intended, but it got old.
(I do agree with the folks who suggest appending Laura's name to whatever you say, because that makes for an easy transition for future references.)
posted by dlugoczaj at 9:38 AM on October 28, 2014 [2 favorites]
(I do agree with the folks who suggest appending Laura's name to whatever you say, because that makes for an easy transition for future references.)
posted by dlugoczaj at 9:38 AM on October 28, 2014 [2 favorites]
I use stepmother. It is shorthand for "my dad's wife who is not my mom". I do use her first name when talking to my dad.
posted by soelo at 9:39 AM on October 28, 2014
posted by soelo at 9:39 AM on October 28, 2014
In the same situation, I use "dad's wife [name]." When they got married, she and I decided we would both be weirded out by anything involving "mom," but she wasn't fussed about the details other than that. Does Laura have a preference?
posted by dorque at 9:39 AM on October 28, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by dorque at 9:39 AM on October 28, 2014 [3 favorites]
My partner uses "my mom's new husband, Dave" when bringing it up for the first time. Stepfather presumes some kind of fatherly relationship, which he definitely does not have. After some time has passed (maybe a year?) most folks will know who Dave is, and if they don't, a quick phrase will clear things up.
posted by barnone at 9:40 AM on October 28, 2014
posted by barnone at 9:40 AM on October 28, 2014
When it happened to me, I always went with "mom's husband" to people who didn't know his name because there was absolutely no paternal relationship between me and my mom's husband.
posted by griphus at 9:41 AM on October 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by griphus at 9:41 AM on October 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
(Or filial relationship? Not sure which is the right one but you know what I mean.)
posted by griphus at 9:42 AM on October 28, 2014
posted by griphus at 9:42 AM on October 28, 2014
I use "my mother's husband" when talking about a person who did not have a parental role in my life but has been married to my mom for 17 years.
posted by Nimmie Amee at 9:42 AM on October 28, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by Nimmie Amee at 9:42 AM on October 28, 2014 [2 favorites]
My widower father remarried when I was in my early 20s. I usually say "My father's wife," because I feel like that is probably the most accurate, and usually the rest of the conversation makes it clear that I'm not being dismissive/mean. I also use stepmother sometimes if I'm talking about the family as a whole or I want to emphasize that I like her. I think it would be weird to acquire a stepmother at age 40 though--I'd go with "my father's wife" and just be sure you take a friendly tone.
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 9:44 AM on October 28, 2014
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 9:44 AM on October 28, 2014
Father's wife, for sure.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 9:45 AM on October 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 9:45 AM on October 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
I use stepmother/stepmom when I need to refer to her in conversations with people who don't know her. I've never gotten the 'directly involved in parenting' connotation from the term.
posted by Kosh at 9:47 AM on October 28, 2014
posted by Kosh at 9:47 AM on October 28, 2014
I call her my Dad's wife.
posted by royalsong at 9:48 AM on October 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by royalsong at 9:48 AM on October 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
I started off calling her "my Dad's wife" as like you I met her as an adult and stepmum/stepmother felt more like something appropriate to someone who had had a parental role when I was a child.
However as I got to know her better and really feel that she was family stepmother did feel much more natural.
I agree either is fine. Close friends who understand the nuances of your history and relationship with her will know all that anyway, less close people just need to know the basics of who she is in relation to you.
posted by *becca* at 9:56 AM on October 28, 2014
However as I got to know her better and really feel that she was family stepmother did feel much more natural.
I agree either is fine. Close friends who understand the nuances of your history and relationship with her will know all that anyway, less close people just need to know the basics of who she is in relation to you.
posted by *becca* at 9:56 AM on October 28, 2014
As someone who has also been in this position, I agree that stepmom feels weird because it implies a parenting role. "Dad's wife" is fine. I don't think people will necessarily assume that means you dislike her.
posted by breakin' the law at 9:56 AM on October 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by breakin' the law at 9:56 AM on October 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
Another voice chiming in for using "my dad's wife" on first reference, and her name on subsequent reference in the same conversation.
posted by M.C. Lo-Carb! at 10:00 AM on October 28, 2014
posted by M.C. Lo-Carb! at 10:00 AM on October 28, 2014
I use my dads wife, which for me does have an edge of the angst attached there, but my mom's husband does not, so I presume it can be entirely factual and neutral.
posted by Jacen at 10:02 AM on October 28, 2014
posted by Jacen at 10:02 AM on October 28, 2014
I refer to my divorced (after I got out of HS) parents spouses as "My mom's husband" or "my father's wife". Here is why. To someone who does not know me well or does not know my parents, there is no need to go into details about their past lives. It is simply an accurate descriptive term. For those who know me well, I use their first names. "My father and Nancy" or "My mother and Steve".
posted by 724A at 10:09 AM on October 28, 2014
posted by 724A at 10:09 AM on October 28, 2014
Another vote for "my father's wife" - as you point out she came into my life when I was an adult and so she didn't do any actual "mothering". Also in my case we are almost the same age and so it seems ridiculous to call her my stepmother.
I very rarely refer to her as "my stepmother" and then only as a joke, usually when I'm talking to her. We both appreciate the humor in our situation.
Whatever feels right to you is the answer, I think. I over-thought plenty when she & my dad first got together, so take your time with it.
posted by lyssabee at 10:09 AM on October 28, 2014
I very rarely refer to her as "my stepmother" and then only as a joke, usually when I'm talking to her. We both appreciate the humor in our situation.
Whatever feels right to you is the answer, I think. I over-thought plenty when she & my dad first got together, so take your time with it.
posted by lyssabee at 10:09 AM on October 28, 2014
If people don't know my father's wife's name, I introduce her as "my father's wife, [wife's name]." Then call her by her name, which is what I call her when when speaking to her. We have no interest in the parent-child relationship implied by her being married to my father. The only time I have ever been compelled to label her "stepmother" was on a government background investigation form.
On the other hand, I speak about my stepfather as "my stepdad" and it's almost an insult. I am supposed to call him by the name for "dad" in another language.
posted by zennie at 10:13 AM on October 28, 2014
On the other hand, I speak about my stepfather as "my stepdad" and it's almost an insult. I am supposed to call him by the name for "dad" in another language.
posted by zennie at 10:13 AM on October 28, 2014
If you referred to someone as your stepmother, the only assumption I would make is that this is a woman who is married to your father but is not your biological mother. Maybe I'm in the minority.
posted by BurntHombre at 10:18 AM on October 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by BurntHombre at 10:18 AM on October 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
My Mom remarried after my Dad died. I was in my 20s, and referred to him as my StepDad or Mom's husband, Bob. It doesn't really matter to other people the way it does to you. Dad's wife may have some people thinking your folks divorced, but that's immaterial. Anybody close to you will ask, or will pick up a Stepmother reference. Doesn't matter what anybody not close to you thinks. My former father-in-law said, at our 1st meeting, 'Stepfather' is too confusing, let's just call him your Dad. Um, no. He was a terrific guy, but not my Dad. Step-parenting has a bad rap, but it can be a wonderful person in your life. Sorry about your Mom; it's a blow even when you're a grownup.
posted by theora55 at 10:21 AM on October 28, 2014
posted by theora55 at 10:21 AM on October 28, 2014
I understand what you mean about "stepmom" being associated with "this woman raised me". I went through a period after my father remarried of saying "my dad and his wife" or "my dad's wife" specifically because I didn't like using a "mom" kind of word for a woman I barely knew (I was in my 20's, living 1500+ miles away, I'd met her several times, but...) Over the last 15 years, though, I've kind of mellowed out. I still have never spent more than 5 consecutive days around her, I like her fine but we're not close, i.e. I still wouldn't tell her anything particularly personal, but I do call her my stepmom. I feel like it's polite to do that. I think I went through a "stepmother" transition period.
There's no word that ever conveys exactly what a person means to you - everyone has a different relationship with their family members. When some people say "Dad" or"father" they're saying it lovingly, talking about a man they're very close to and have tons of respect for; others are talking about an emotionally-distant person, an absent person, or even an abusive person, and it could refer to a biological father or not. But the word is still "father", and the context of the conversation carries the idea of whether you're close or not. Similarly, "stepmother" can mean a lot of things. Cinderella didn't like hers much, if I recall. The thing is, if you're talking to somebody who doesn't know who Laura is, the relevance of saying "stepmom" vs "dad's wife" is kind of low, all they really hear is "Lucinda's adult relative that I've never met". It's probably not important to your story whether this woman mothered you or whether you recently met her, she's still the woman you spent the weekend with in your story. And if it is important to the story that you didn't know her well, you'll say so, and it won't matter whether you'd referred to her as "dad's wife" or "wicked stepmother" or "Laura" or "that woman" or whatever.
In short, the way you refer to her carries more meaningful to you than will ever be understood by the person you're talking to, so continue to say whatever feels right to you. With maybe a slight bias to calling her whatever she likes to be called, especially when she can hear you.
posted by aimedwander at 10:38 AM on October 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
There's no word that ever conveys exactly what a person means to you - everyone has a different relationship with their family members. When some people say "Dad" or"father" they're saying it lovingly, talking about a man they're very close to and have tons of respect for; others are talking about an emotionally-distant person, an absent person, or even an abusive person, and it could refer to a biological father or not. But the word is still "father", and the context of the conversation carries the idea of whether you're close or not. Similarly, "stepmother" can mean a lot of things. Cinderella didn't like hers much, if I recall. The thing is, if you're talking to somebody who doesn't know who Laura is, the relevance of saying "stepmom" vs "dad's wife" is kind of low, all they really hear is "Lucinda's adult relative that I've never met". It's probably not important to your story whether this woman mothered you or whether you recently met her, she's still the woman you spent the weekend with in your story. And if it is important to the story that you didn't know her well, you'll say so, and it won't matter whether you'd referred to her as "dad's wife" or "wicked stepmother" or "Laura" or "that woman" or whatever.
In short, the way you refer to her carries more meaningful to you than will ever be understood by the person you're talking to, so continue to say whatever feels right to you. With maybe a slight bias to calling her whatever she likes to be called, especially when she can hear you.
posted by aimedwander at 10:38 AM on October 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
My dad's wife is how I refer to the lady in my dad's life. They married 15 years ago, but I was in my 20s. She didn't parent me. However, she is my daughters' grandmom!
posted by heathrowga at 10:38 AM on October 28, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by heathrowga at 10:38 AM on October 28, 2014 [5 favorites]
I'm 26 and my parents divorced when I was in high school and have yet to remarry. Still, I would never refer to them as stepparents. For me, that implies they parented me, or at least had some role in child rearing. It also implies a relationship that isn't there. While not remarried yet, they've both seriously dated and while we are friendly, I like them, our relationship is much simpler than a stepparent one. This may seem overblown to others, but I like to present the relationship as it is.
I wouldn't hesitate to say dad's wife. To me it's not clinical, just less touchy feely.
posted by Aranquis at 10:40 AM on October 28, 2014
I wouldn't hesitate to say dad's wife. To me it's not clinical, just less touchy feely.
posted by Aranquis at 10:40 AM on October 28, 2014
My husband uses "Father's wife" instead of "Stepmother" because his father remarried after my husband was grown and new wife did no parenting and they do not have a parental relationship now. I don't think it's a slight, it's just a bit more accurate in his case.
posted by quince at 10:42 AM on October 28, 2014
posted by quince at 10:42 AM on October 28, 2014
"Dad's wife" or "my father's second* wife" are both easy.
Or third. Or fourth. In my family, anyway!
posted by DarlingBri at 10:43 AM on October 28, 2014
Or third. Or fourth. In my family, anyway!
posted by DarlingBri at 10:43 AM on October 28, 2014
"Dad's wife" or "father's wife"; people mostly get it that you mean a second spouse that you didn't grow up with. If you say "stepmother" people do assume she had parenting duties when you were small. It does feel a bit chilly and impersonal at first but, don't worry, it'll grow on you.
In my experience people take the cue about the warmth of your relationship based on the story you're telling rather than how you refer to her. If your story is like, "Yeah, my dad and his wife visited last week, we had a great time!" they'll know she's a valued family member. If it's like, "SIIIIIGH, my dad and his wife are coming in and I am just DREADING it," they will get the message that possibly you don't approve of the remarriage.
Also in this modern world we all have complicated, hard-to-explain family relationships that are hard to capture correctly in words. People understand there aren't always convenient terms for it.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:43 AM on October 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
In my experience people take the cue about the warmth of your relationship based on the story you're telling rather than how you refer to her. If your story is like, "Yeah, my dad and his wife visited last week, we had a great time!" they'll know she's a valued family member. If it's like, "SIIIIIGH, my dad and his wife are coming in and I am just DREADING it," they will get the message that possibly you don't approve of the remarriage.
Also in this modern world we all have complicated, hard-to-explain family relationships that are hard to capture correctly in words. People understand there aren't always convenient terms for it.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:43 AM on October 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
I'm surprised nobody mentioned "my dad's second wife" as an option. I've certainly heard that in casual conversation. I guess it might have some connotations depending on your tone of voice, but assuming a normal neutral conversational tone I think it works fine. It identifies her and also subtly implies she's not your biological mom, but not in a negative way.
posted by Wretch729 at 10:45 AM on October 28, 2014
posted by Wretch729 at 10:45 AM on October 28, 2014
I think Dad's wife is perfectly fine, and doesn't sound inherently negative to me. "My dad's second wife" sounds odd to me, and like there are first, third, and fourth wives kicking around.
posted by fermezporte at 10:50 AM on October 28, 2014
posted by fermezporte at 10:50 AM on October 28, 2014
My parents divorced and my dad remarried when I was in my early 20s (around 15 years ago). I use pretty much *all* of these ways of referring to her. Like, if I'm introducing them both to someone who doesn't know anything about them, I'll say, "This is my father, Bob, and his wife, Linda." To her face, I always call her Linda, obviously. If I'm talking to someone who doesn't know either of them, I'll call her "Linda, my dad's wife."
I almost never refer to her as my stepmother but she will sometimes introduce me/refer to me as her daughter, and she refers to/thinks of my sisters' kids as her grandkids. Also my boyfriend (who has spent more time with my dad's wife than with my mom) has a tendency to refer to her and my dad as "your parents" which I find a bit disconcerting, even though I have a great relationship with Linda.
I don't like "second wife" because to me it implies the existence of a third wife. Like, if my dad and Linda got divorced and he remarried, that's when I'd call her his second wife. "$number wife" implies "not the current wife" to me.
posted by mskyle at 11:05 AM on October 28, 2014
I almost never refer to her as my stepmother but she will sometimes introduce me/refer to me as her daughter, and she refers to/thinks of my sisters' kids as her grandkids. Also my boyfriend (who has spent more time with my dad's wife than with my mom) has a tendency to refer to her and my dad as "your parents" which I find a bit disconcerting, even though I have a great relationship with Linda.
I don't like "second wife" because to me it implies the existence of a third wife. Like, if my dad and Linda got divorced and he remarried, that's when I'd call her his second wife. "$number wife" implies "not the current wife" to me.
posted by mskyle at 11:05 AM on October 28, 2014
In the end, it depends on what you are comfortable with.
My mom divorced my dad when I was well into my 30s. She married her second husband when I was almost 40. I call him my stepdad, because it's the easiest way for people to know "who he is" I guess. It doesn't matter if they think he was around when I was a kid. Further, when I talk about them as a couple, I just say "my folks" or "my parents."
No one needs to know, nor do they care about, all the intricate layers of relationships or family history when you are just referring to someone. Certainly if I have a conversation with a friend, and the relationships become relevant, they can clarified.
posted by The Deej at 11:05 AM on October 28, 2014
My mom divorced my dad when I was well into my 30s. She married her second husband when I was almost 40. I call him my stepdad, because it's the easiest way for people to know "who he is" I guess. It doesn't matter if they think he was around when I was a kid. Further, when I talk about them as a couple, I just say "my folks" or "my parents."
No one needs to know, nor do they care about, all the intricate layers of relationships or family history when you are just referring to someone. Certainly if I have a conversation with a friend, and the relationships become relevant, they can clarified.
posted by The Deej at 11:05 AM on October 28, 2014
"My dad's wife" is perfectly acceptable.
posted by poffin boffin at 11:15 AM on October 28, 2014
posted by poffin boffin at 11:15 AM on October 28, 2014
I also use "my dad's wife." These days, however, I'm most often talking about her with my kids and end up calling her "grandma."
posted by Area Man at 11:23 AM on October 28, 2014
posted by Area Man at 11:23 AM on October 28, 2014
It might be regional or it might be me...but if you said "Dad's wife" to me I'd think you didn't like her and were distancing yourself from her and trying to tell me information about that relationship implicitly rather than going to the trouble of getting in to it.
When I hear "step-parent" I think "spouse of parent", no more than that.
posted by taff at 11:49 AM on October 28, 2014 [2 favorites]
When I hear "step-parent" I think "spouse of parent", no more than that.
posted by taff at 11:49 AM on October 28, 2014 [2 favorites]
My parents have both divorced and remarried, and their spouses are my mom's husband/dad's wife, just as when they mention me to others, they call me Leslie's/Roger's son.
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 11:51 AM on October 28, 2014
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 11:51 AM on October 28, 2014
I usually use "stepdad" just in these situations and his name in every other circumstance. Now, my dad is alive, although I haven't seen him in many years, but--well, I guess there's kind of a familial relationship there, just not one close enough to be any more fond than that. Nobody seems to think it weird that I call him my stepdad. My aunts have a habit of saying "your mom and dad" when referring to them--like, all of them, I have no idea why this verbal tic seems to have taken hold but it clearly has--but while I strenuously object to his politics, he's a decent guy and--yeah. To me, saying "my mom's husband" would imply that he didn't feel like family, like my aunt's boyfriend who I've never met in person.
There are times when that applies, but in my particular circumstance I probably like him better than I actually like my mom, so stepdad it is, at this point.
posted by Sequence at 11:55 AM on October 28, 2014
There are times when that applies, but in my particular circumstance I probably like him better than I actually like my mom, so stepdad it is, at this point.
posted by Sequence at 11:55 AM on October 28, 2014
I (age 44) introduce and/or make the initial reference to my father's wife as "my stepmom, [Name]" then refer to her by her name from then on. My hope is that "stepmom" sounds friendlier than "stepmother" (and way friendlier than "my father's wife").
(For comparison, even after 16 years of marriage I find myself entirely unable to refer to my mother-in-law as "Mom". I had one of those. She died and I miss her to this day. Nobody else in my life gets to be plain unadorned "Mom" to me except her.)
posted by Lexica at 12:05 PM on October 28, 2014
(For comparison, even after 16 years of marriage I find myself entirely unable to refer to my mother-in-law as "Mom". I had one of those. She died and I miss her to this day. Nobody else in my life gets to be plain unadorned "Mom" to me except her.)
posted by Lexica at 12:05 PM on October 28, 2014
My dad remarried and I don't have much to do with his new family (where the kids are much younger than me and they live all the way across the country). I call his wife by name and it's not meant to be disrespectful. If I introduce her, I would say, "This is [Name], my dad's wife."
I like her just fine, from what little I know of her. I think she would be quite weirded out too if I started calling her my "stepmom".
posted by ethidda at 12:17 PM on October 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
I like her just fine, from what little I know of her. I think she would be quite weirded out too if I started calling her my "stepmom".
posted by ethidda at 12:17 PM on October 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
My father's wife, or, my Dad and Laura, for those who.know me.
For those who don't know me, or where a larger explanation is not appropriate, I just say my parents.
posted by vignettist at 1:09 PM on October 28, 2014
For those who don't know me, or where a larger explanation is not appropriate, I just say my parents.
posted by vignettist at 1:09 PM on October 28, 2014
Dad's wife. I've always called her that. Since my Mom passed I haven't changed.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:37 PM on October 28, 2014
posted by Ironmouth at 1:37 PM on October 28, 2014
I have the reversed situation. My mom married her new husband after I was already married and living 3000km away. I only met him once before the wedding. I call him "Fake Dad" when talking about him to my friends and by his first name when speaking to him or about him with my immediate family. Stepdad made me feel that I should know some things about him but he was a total stranger when he became my Fake Dad and anyone who hears me call him that seems to understand the situation.
posted by saradarlin at 1:39 PM on October 28, 2014
posted by saradarlin at 1:39 PM on October 28, 2014
My (80 year old!) grandfather just remarried (at the beginning of the month.) My dad got pretty upset when someone tried to refer to her as his stepmother so it's "dad's wife" in our family too.
posted by missriss89 at 1:44 PM on October 28, 2014
posted by missriss89 at 1:44 PM on October 28, 2014
I started out with "my mom's husband," but over the years I switched to usually saying "my stepfather."
posted by The corpse in the library at 1:55 PM on October 28, 2014
posted by The corpse in the library at 1:55 PM on October 28, 2014
If you introduce her as your dad's current wife you're unlikely to have to introduce her to very many people...
posted by foodgeek at 2:12 PM on October 28, 2014
posted by foodgeek at 2:12 PM on October 28, 2014
"Stepmom" or "Dad's wife" are both totally fine, and people are not reading as much into either as you think they are.
My father was widowed young and is on his third marriage. I have very consciously said "my stepmother, P--" or "my stepmom" (for his current, lovely partner whom he married in my 30s) and "Dad's (ex-)wife" (for the previous, gladly-divorced one) but I am willing to concede that people will take the intended meaning less through your word choice than your affect.
posted by psoas at 3:13 PM on October 28, 2014
My father was widowed young and is on his third marriage. I have very consciously said "my stepmother, P--" or "my stepmom" (for his current, lovely partner whom he married in my 30s) and "Dad's (ex-)wife" (for the previous, gladly-divorced one) but I am willing to concede that people will take the intended meaning less through your word choice than your affect.
posted by psoas at 3:13 PM on October 28, 2014
My Dad's on his third wife. Second wife was "stepmom" ('cause she was; she raised my brother and me). Third wife is "Dad's wife" or just "[her name]".
I'd say that rule applies here.
([her name] is a fine person, by the way, but she's not my stepmother.)
posted by notyou at 6:44 PM on October 28, 2014
I'd say that rule applies here.
([her name] is a fine person, by the way, but she's not my stepmother.)
posted by notyou at 6:44 PM on October 28, 2014
My widowed mom remarried in 2009. He's Larry, my stepdad. My kids call him Larry, not Grandpa, though, which kind of makes me sad. (He's been in their lives since they were 3 days old, but it seems to hard to change now.) (Not that you asked.)
posted by pyjammy at 7:49 PM on October 28, 2014
posted by pyjammy at 7:49 PM on October 28, 2014
In my experience, stepmom/dad tends to be an indicator of either 1) kids that are parent-able age and/or 2) the fact that a relationship has been built with adult kids. If it's prior to #2, the default seems to be Dad's wife/ Mom's husband.
posted by stormyteal at 8:19 PM on October 28, 2014
posted by stormyteal at 8:19 PM on October 28, 2014
Response by poster: Lots to think about; thanks for the responses. I tried both versions today, to different people, and discovered that "My dad and his wife" felt most comfortable coming out of my mouth, so I'll go with that.
posted by Lucinda at 8:51 PM on October 28, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by Lucinda at 8:51 PM on October 28, 2014 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by trivia genius at 9:35 AM on October 28, 2014 [9 favorites]