How would you interpret this e-mail exchange...
October 12, 2014 5:33 PM Subscribe
...with a potential paramour met on a dating site?
Friend and I are purposely asking the community for first impressions out of context. What do you imagine the exchange (response in particular) means?
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Her invitation:
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Glad to hear you'll be in my neck of the woods. I'm out of town Fri -
Sun. So it looks like tomorrow will be the only day of geographic
overlap...Totally understandable if you can't meet ... If it's really meant to be, it doesn't matter when ...
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His response:
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[Want to meet up]...just not tomorrow...by the way ... meant-to-be and i have had a very physical relationship, but i like your attitude.
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Her invitation:
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Glad to hear you'll be in my neck of the woods. I'm out of town Fri -
Sun. So it looks like tomorrow will be the only day of geographic
overlap...Totally understandable if you can't meet ... If it's really meant to be, it doesn't matter when ...
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His response:
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[Want to meet up]...just not tomorrow...by the way ... meant-to-be and i have had a very physical relationship, but i like your attitude.
Yeah, I'd take it as he and that concept rarely work out - whether good or bad, not deep or long-term.
Fate has fucked him, one way or another.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:39 PM on October 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
Fate has fucked him, one way or another.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:39 PM on October 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
He follows it up with, "but I like your attitude" meaning he is saying his view of something being "meant to be" is bad or hasn't worked out for him, but he appreciates the inviter's sentiment. In that sense, I guess a "physical relationship" means a violent relationship, like it's treated him badly? I don't know.
That's kind of a weird response. I'm not sure how having the view that things are meant to be could represent such a bad force in someone's life. I don't see how inaction through the idea that some things are meant to be could "beat you up" so to speak. But he seems to treat it as a positive thing for the inviter, like it shows she's open-minded or something. Personally, the phrasing is peculiar enough that I would follow up at some point if this guy will be pursued. "So what did you mean when you say you and meant-to-be had a physical relationship?" Maybe he is carrying some baggage. He went out of his way to mention this.
posted by AppleTurnover at 5:42 PM on October 12, 2014 [3 favorites]
That's kind of a weird response. I'm not sure how having the view that things are meant to be could represent such a bad force in someone's life. I don't see how inaction through the idea that some things are meant to be could "beat you up" so to speak. But he seems to treat it as a positive thing for the inviter, like it shows she's open-minded or something. Personally, the phrasing is peculiar enough that I would follow up at some point if this guy will be pursued. "So what did you mean when you say you and meant-to-be had a physical relationship?" Maybe he is carrying some baggage. He went out of his way to mention this.
posted by AppleTurnover at 5:42 PM on October 12, 2014 [3 favorites]
I don't understand how this is relevant at all. It's obviously just a cute turn of phrase that has no bearing on the plans to meet up. Which seems doomed, since the only day Friend can meet is a day that Intended is not available.
posted by Sara C. at 5:42 PM on October 12, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by Sara C. at 5:42 PM on October 12, 2014 [5 favorites]
Is this repeated here out of context? Does the person have trouble with English as a second language or something?
If not, maybe he sounds like he has baggage and isn't ready to date?
Or maybe he's just a glass half empty kinda guy?
If you're friend is wondering what he meant, I'm wondering, too!
posted by jbenben at 5:52 PM on October 12, 2014 [2 favorites]
If not, maybe he sounds like he has baggage and isn't ready to date?
Or maybe he's just a glass half empty kinda guy?
If you're friend is wondering what he meant, I'm wondering, too!
posted by jbenben at 5:52 PM on October 12, 2014 [2 favorites]
Oh!
Maybe it 'a an auto-correct thing and that's why it doesn't make sense.
posted by jbenben at 5:56 PM on October 12, 2014 [2 favorites]
Maybe it 'a an auto-correct thing and that's why it doesn't make sense.
posted by jbenben at 5:56 PM on October 12, 2014 [2 favorites]
I would interpret this as meaning that he recognizes the notion of fate ("meant-to-be") and/but has had intense and concrete experiences of its operation in his life.
posted by ottereroticist at 6:00 PM on October 12, 2014
posted by ottereroticist at 6:00 PM on October 12, 2014
Sounds like he's negging your turn of phrase and then complimenting you to diffuse the put-down. To confuse you. And well, so long, sucker. Say what you mean, and mean what you say (would be my response). Any guy that tries to get on top with a phrase like that is not okay in my book. There's flirting and there's put-down flirting and the put-down guy gets put-out-in-the-trash.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 6:06 PM on October 12, 2014 [9 favorites]
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 6:06 PM on October 12, 2014 [9 favorites]
I'm interpreting this that he means he expects to have a very hot-and-heavy physical relationship if you are a good match (a "meant-to-be") because all of his fated relationships have been hot and heavy in the past. But he likes that you're not pushy about whether it's serious yet.
I don't see any negging or player behavior in his statement.
posted by mochapickle at 6:11 PM on October 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
I don't see any negging or player behavior in his statement.
posted by mochapickle at 6:11 PM on October 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
Neither Mr. Arnicae nor I understand this either. The only comment we have is both feel a bit put off by the determinist angle suggesting that a meeting/connection between the two might pre-ordained. Wondering if the respondent had a similarly negative response to it, and
Besides the "meant to be" comment makes little sense...if the pair is pre-ordained in some fashion it certainly does matter when they meet. Otherwise you're looking at potentially spending years apart prior to meeting your pre-determined partner.
posted by arnicae at 6:12 PM on October 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
Besides the "meant to be" comment makes little sense...if the pair is pre-ordained in some fashion it certainly does matter when they meet. Otherwise you're looking at potentially spending years apart prior to meeting your pre-determined partner.
posted by arnicae at 6:12 PM on October 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
I suspect this is a sort of inside joke that none of us are privy to.
posted by adamrice at 6:12 PM on October 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by adamrice at 6:12 PM on October 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
I don't see any negging either, I just see something I see a lot of people do when they're not very good non-expressive communicators - they type exactly what they would say out loud. Like, if I was trying to put that dialogue in writing I'd say "man, 'meant-to-be' and I don't seem to get along very well, but I like your optimism!"
But also, your friend's use of "meant to be" is kind of intense in a first-meeting arrangement and that may also be a spoken-out-loud-clumsy/gentle way of saying "whoa, settle down."
posted by Lyn Never at 6:15 PM on October 12, 2014 [22 favorites]
But also, your friend's use of "meant to be" is kind of intense in a first-meeting arrangement and that may also be a spoken-out-loud-clumsy/gentle way of saying "whoa, settle down."
posted by Lyn Never at 6:15 PM on October 12, 2014 [22 favorites]
He sounds weird and annoying and I don't get it. Sounds like a waste of time with someone who is strange and too high on himself to be relatable.
Who talks like that? Blech. Prepare yourself for a date with the manager of The Discount Fedora Emporium. Shudder.
posted by discopolo at 6:17 PM on October 12, 2014 [8 favorites]
Who talks like that? Blech. Prepare yourself for a date with the manager of The Discount Fedora Emporium. Shudder.
posted by discopolo at 6:17 PM on October 12, 2014 [8 favorites]
'I have baggage and I'd like to take what should be a simple exchange to make sure you know that'
posted by Dashy at 6:20 PM on October 12, 2014 [22 favorites]
posted by Dashy at 6:20 PM on October 12, 2014 [22 favorites]
"Meant to be" has fucked him over in the past.
posted by MsMolly at 6:21 PM on October 12, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by MsMolly at 6:21 PM on October 12, 2014 [2 favorites]
Yeah, agree that he's talking about some kind of emotional baggage that he's carrying. Everybody has baggage of one kind or another, but the fact that he's bringing his up when you guys haven't even set a time for your first date yet is weird. This is a plate of beans that could be overthought very easily, but it sounds like he's not handling his baggage very well and you shouldn't be surprised if spending time with him involves a lot of listening to him talk about whatever it is from his past relationships that he's been unable to process.
There's no way of really knowing, because the phrase is so contextless and vague. I imagine you'll find out pretty early on though if what he was trying to say was "By the way, I'm planning on spending our entire date talking about my recent ex and how messed-up I feel since she and I broke up." If that's the case then you know what to do.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 6:25 PM on October 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
There's no way of really knowing, because the phrase is so contextless and vague. I imagine you'll find out pretty early on though if what he was trying to say was "By the way, I'm planning on spending our entire date talking about my recent ex and how messed-up I feel since she and I broke up." If that's the case then you know what to do.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 6:25 PM on October 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
It's an awkward way of saying he's not a fan of things being 'fated', but willing to have another try.
It reads noooothing like anything neggy, ffs.
posted by Sebmojo at 6:36 PM on October 12, 2014 [10 favorites]
It reads noooothing like anything neggy, ffs.
posted by Sebmojo at 6:36 PM on October 12, 2014 [10 favorites]
Whatever he meant to say, he's saying it in a deliberately abstruse manner and ain't nobody got time for that.
posted by drlith at 6:37 PM on October 12, 2014 [14 favorites]
posted by drlith at 6:37 PM on October 12, 2014 [14 favorites]
When I try to translate that, I come up with "fate has screwed me in the past, but I like your optimism."
But it's such a riddle, I don't know.
posted by salvia at 6:38 PM on October 12, 2014 [3 favorites]
But it's such a riddle, I don't know.
posted by salvia at 6:38 PM on October 12, 2014 [3 favorites]
My interpretation of what he said: he once was a romantic soul who subscribed to the " 'twas meant to be" ideology, but hardened by life, he no longer does. Nevertheless, he still finds it somewhat admirable.
My take: seems a bit douchey, but since people try *so hard* to be witty and clever under these conditions, I would attempt to reserve judgment and not hold it against him.
posted by girl flaneur at 6:39 PM on October 12, 2014 [3 favorites]
My take: seems a bit douchey, but since people try *so hard* to be witty and clever under these conditions, I would attempt to reserve judgment and not hold it against him.
posted by girl flaneur at 6:39 PM on October 12, 2014 [3 favorites]
I think he's trying to be polite about silly notions like " meant to be". Bet he's not into astrology and doesn't find it fun to think about, either.
posted by Ideefixe at 6:41 PM on October 12, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by Ideefixe at 6:41 PM on October 12, 2014 [4 favorites]
your friend raised up a cliched symbolic phantom in an initial online exchange with a potential paramour. the potential paramour responded that he had had a very physical relationship with the phantom. i don't know what it means either, but it is not encouraging.
posted by bruce at 6:41 PM on October 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by bruce at 6:41 PM on October 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
The original message seems a bit dramatic or overwrought to me. If it's meant to be, why do online dating, why message people of interest, etc.? It feels too serious for the message, though I get that she was trying not to put too much pressure on him to meet.
I think the phrase then caught his attention. He's saying, I think, that he doesn't put much stock in it -- maybe he's a bit cynical -- but that's not a deal breaker.
posted by bluedaisy at 6:53 PM on October 12, 2014 [3 favorites]
I think the phrase then caught his attention. He's saying, I think, that he doesn't put much stock in it -- maybe he's a bit cynical -- but that's not a deal breaker.
posted by bluedaisy at 6:53 PM on October 12, 2014 [3 favorites]
I agree with the consensus that he means that he doesn't put much stock in the concept of "meant to be" these days. And I think that actually shows some maturity on his part - I agree with him that "meant to be" is a not a very useful concept in most adult relationships, one either cares enough to make it work, or one doesn't, it isn't a matter of fate unless there are exceptional circumstances. I don't think his phrasing is very good/appropriate - not everyone is great at written communication, so I'd totally forgive him as I don't think he is being purposefully vague (or at least it's not clear based on this short exchange).
I can see a person saying this in a sort of annoying way (why bring up his past? This didn't need to be said, and the "physical relationship" bit seems like it's supposed to be cute but it turns the sentence into a nonsensical statement. Also, he's talking about 'meant to be' in terms of relationships, while the woman is using it in terms of a circumstantial meeting, which means he's again going to lengths to bring his relationship philosophy into a conversation where it doesn't fit) but again, without more context to this relationship and conversation, I don't think it's fair to make a sweeping judgment about his personality or intentions based on that phrase.
And yeah, the bottom line is, it's far more important why he can't meet up tomorrow, which isn't mentioned here. If there's an important or legitimate reason why he can't do tomorrow, then great, things are moving along fine, and the reasonable follow up would be to take steps to arrange a specific get together rather than one that just happens because of outside factors. If he doesn't have a good reason, and he's not interested in arranging a get together outside of this random 'we happen to be in the same neck of the woods' situation, then this relationship is going nowhere and I'd judge him much more harshly for being vague and a poor communicator.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 6:55 PM on October 12, 2014 [2 favorites]
I can see a person saying this in a sort of annoying way (why bring up his past? This didn't need to be said, and the "physical relationship" bit seems like it's supposed to be cute but it turns the sentence into a nonsensical statement. Also, he's talking about 'meant to be' in terms of relationships, while the woman is using it in terms of a circumstantial meeting, which means he's again going to lengths to bring his relationship philosophy into a conversation where it doesn't fit) but again, without more context to this relationship and conversation, I don't think it's fair to make a sweeping judgment about his personality or intentions based on that phrase.
And yeah, the bottom line is, it's far more important why he can't meet up tomorrow, which isn't mentioned here. If there's an important or legitimate reason why he can't do tomorrow, then great, things are moving along fine, and the reasonable follow up would be to take steps to arrange a specific get together rather than one that just happens because of outside factors. If he doesn't have a good reason, and he's not interested in arranging a get together outside of this random 'we happen to be in the same neck of the woods' situation, then this relationship is going nowhere and I'd judge him much more harshly for being vague and a poor communicator.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 6:55 PM on October 12, 2014 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I agree with several people about what he's trying to get at (salvia, girl flaneur) but my bottom line is that the bad writing/use of language would turn me off. I have an unfair aversion to people who try to use complicated language constructions or fanciful word choice but end up saying something meaningless. I believe he is trying to say he has had an "intense" or "traumatic" relationship with the concept of "meant-to-be" but the word "physical" does not have negative or positive connotations therefore it's just confusing and trying-to-sound-thoughtful/smart/opaque/something.
posted by dahliachewswell at 7:00 PM on October 12, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by dahliachewswell at 7:00 PM on October 12, 2014 [5 favorites]
Glad to see I'm not the only one who went, "what?"
This makes no sense. Who cares what he really means? Incoherent isn't sexy.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 7:07 PM on October 12, 2014 [2 favorites]
This makes no sense. Who cares what he really means? Incoherent isn't sexy.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 7:07 PM on October 12, 2014 [2 favorites]
I wonder if he meant "fickle" instead of "physical" and things just went Freudian.
posted by sageleaf at 7:27 PM on October 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by sageleaf at 7:27 PM on October 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
I think "physical" was just poor, off-the-cuff choice of wording.
He may view "meant-to-be" as too romantic, fanciful, and destiny-based considering his past bad experience(s) trying to skip down a primrose path.
I also think that if you're already so inclined to parse his sentences that you need strangers on the internet to help you interpret them, he might not be one that you ought to pursue.
posted by fuse theorem at 7:38 PM on October 12, 2014
He may view "meant-to-be" as too romantic, fanciful, and destiny-based considering his past bad experience(s) trying to skip down a primrose path.
I also think that if you're already so inclined to parse his sentences that you need strangers on the internet to help you interpret them, he might not be one that you ought to pursue.
posted by fuse theorem at 7:38 PM on October 12, 2014
Response by poster: Nobody besides me took it to mean that the guy could have been making a friends-with-benefits type of proposition? Given that they were so vague, he's the only guy who can explain the intent of his words, but it sounded somewhat to me like he was scoffing at the notion of a romantic meant-to-be, saying instead that "I'll consider us meant to be if we're physically compatible and that's the extent of my interest (but I like your chill attitude about the meetup anyway.)". And yeah, I did pick up that he might be choking back disdain for the sentiment behind fate overall.
Then again, my experience with online dating was long ago and it proved mostly a giant exercise in skeevy guy dodging, so perhaps I'm over sensitive to one interpretation. :).
Thanks for weighing in!
posted by phreckles at 7:50 PM on October 12, 2014
Then again, my experience with online dating was long ago and it proved mostly a giant exercise in skeevy guy dodging, so perhaps I'm over sensitive to one interpretation. :).
Thanks for weighing in!
posted by phreckles at 7:50 PM on October 12, 2014
Wow, I don't see that at all, even now that you've suggested it. If it was a hint, it was a terrible one!
posted by bluedaisy at 7:56 PM on October 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by bluedaisy at 7:56 PM on October 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
I don't see that either. I see a failed autocorrect or an affected speech pattern. He's essentially saying, the idea of things being meant to be is not really something I'm comfortable with, but I like that you're pretty easygoing about whether or not we meet.
I also would advise your friend not to talk about things being "meant to be" on dating sites. That's a bit heavy. I would run in the opposite direction if someone said that to me when I was on OKC, it puts way too much pressure on the whole thing (whether intentionally or not).
posted by sockermom at 8:23 PM on October 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
I also would advise your friend not to talk about things being "meant to be" on dating sites. That's a bit heavy. I would run in the opposite direction if someone said that to me when I was on OKC, it puts way too much pressure on the whole thing (whether intentionally or not).
posted by sockermom at 8:23 PM on October 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
"If it's meant to be" is super-duper passive-aggressive code for "I'm not going to actually work very hard at this."
And then he's saying, "I've met people in the past that screwed me over in that same way, so don't be a jerk about this, OK?"
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 8:42 PM on October 12, 2014 [6 favorites]
And then he's saying, "I've met people in the past that screwed me over in that same way, so don't be a jerk about this, OK?"
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 8:42 PM on October 12, 2014 [6 favorites]
I wouln't interpret, I'd ask for clarification. Don't have a relationship with the person in your head, have one with the person you're interested in.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:50 PM on October 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:50 PM on October 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
The original message with "meant to be" weirded this dude out because hey, it's online dating, and why would you throw in a serious cliche, heavy loaded statement like that? You haven't even met. So he tried to make light of it and acknowledge that you said that weird thing, and yes he still wants to hang out. Your move, except you're way over thinking it instead of just picking a date without the drama.
posted by bradbane at 9:38 PM on October 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by bradbane at 9:38 PM on October 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
Even with your follow-up, no, I do not see how he could've been proposing friends-with-benefits whatsoever.
And for the record, as weird as his reply was, your friend's first message wasn't exactly what I would call typical banter for setting up a first date. She manages to mention both the idea of fate/soulmates and the fact that she won't try very hard to meet him in a single sentence. Impressive.
posted by AppleTurnover at 9:58 PM on October 12, 2014 [5 favorites]
And for the record, as weird as his reply was, your friend's first message wasn't exactly what I would call typical banter for setting up a first date. She manages to mention both the idea of fate/soulmates and the fact that she won't try very hard to meet him in a single sentence. Impressive.
posted by AppleTurnover at 9:58 PM on October 12, 2014 [5 favorites]
You could always ask him "what did you mean by a physical relationship with meant-to-be?" There is someone there on the other end of the tube who has the real answer to this question, after all.
posted by PercussivePaul at 10:26 PM on October 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by PercussivePaul at 10:26 PM on October 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
Yeah, he is not proposing FWB. "Meant to be and I have had a very physical relationship" means "meant to be has fucked me in the past." I don't love it because it sounds a little bitter and also because he's implicitly conflating sex and rape/punishment/pain, which is at best insensitive. That said, I'd consider this a small red flag not a dealbreaker. Might've just been a poor choice of words.
posted by Susan PG at 4:36 AM on October 13, 2014
posted by Susan PG at 4:36 AM on October 13, 2014
Man is figuring that woman who talks about "meant to be" will be the sort of person who will spend a lot of time over-analyzing statement and thinking about him if he replies in a certain way.
posted by yohko at 12:41 PM on October 13, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by yohko at 12:41 PM on October 13, 2014 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by ftm at 5:36 PM on October 12, 2014 [2 favorites]