Finding balance between being a doormat and being too unforgiving
October 8, 2014 4:42 PM Subscribe
How do I find the middle ground between being an over-empathetic doormat and bailing from relationships at the very first sign of trouble?
A little bit of background: I grew up in a toxic family where I wasn't allowed to have boundaries or needs of my own. Whenever I tried to stand up for myself or say no to my family they would shut me down, telling me how selfish, entitled, angry and unlovable I was (yeah, no shit I was angry). The only time they were loving toward me was when I did everything they wanted, and even then that "love" was temporary. The very dysfunctional lesson I learned was that I have no right to say no or have boundaries, and that I have to be wholly understanding, self-sacrificing, forgiving and loving of other people at all times. My mantra could have been 'I'm so imperfect, so who the hell am I to judge others?"
Unsurprisingly I've gotten involved with a lot of other toxic people as friends and boyfriends. I've spent a lot of time trying to be the "cool chick" who never gets mad or raises a stink. With almost every single one of my toxic (former!) friends and boyfriends, I had some misgivings when we were first getting to know each other. I brushed off those uneasy feelings and convinced myself that I was just being judgmental or oversensitive. I didn't want to think "wow, this person is a selfish jerk" when I knew how much it hurt to be told you're horrible and selfish. Not that I would say something like that to someone's face, but it felt like even thinking those thoughts was a cruel thing to do. So I'd keep dismissing my concerns until something the other person did something so undeniably disrespectful or abusive that I just couldn't ignore it anymore.
For a long time I thought there was virtue in being this care-taking doormat, and certainly those toxic people wanted me to think that as well. I'm 28 now, and I've finally started breaking free of this over the past few months. I'm still really struggling with the idea that it's okay for me to have boundaries and that I don't have to be a saint who welcomes everyone into her life with open arms, even when they set off my alarm bells. I don't want to completely lose the understanding, forgiving side of my personality, but I need to balance that with acknowledging shady behavior and enforcing my boundaries. I just feel really lost about how to achieve that balance, and I'm worried about being over-vigilant and chasing away good people.
If you've been in a similar position, how did you find that middle ground?
A little bit of background: I grew up in a toxic family where I wasn't allowed to have boundaries or needs of my own. Whenever I tried to stand up for myself or say no to my family they would shut me down, telling me how selfish, entitled, angry and unlovable I was (yeah, no shit I was angry). The only time they were loving toward me was when I did everything they wanted, and even then that "love" was temporary. The very dysfunctional lesson I learned was that I have no right to say no or have boundaries, and that I have to be wholly understanding, self-sacrificing, forgiving and loving of other people at all times. My mantra could have been 'I'm so imperfect, so who the hell am I to judge others?"
Unsurprisingly I've gotten involved with a lot of other toxic people as friends and boyfriends. I've spent a lot of time trying to be the "cool chick" who never gets mad or raises a stink. With almost every single one of my toxic (former!) friends and boyfriends, I had some misgivings when we were first getting to know each other. I brushed off those uneasy feelings and convinced myself that I was just being judgmental or oversensitive. I didn't want to think "wow, this person is a selfish jerk" when I knew how much it hurt to be told you're horrible and selfish. Not that I would say something like that to someone's face, but it felt like even thinking those thoughts was a cruel thing to do. So I'd keep dismissing my concerns until something the other person did something so undeniably disrespectful or abusive that I just couldn't ignore it anymore.
For a long time I thought there was virtue in being this care-taking doormat, and certainly those toxic people wanted me to think that as well. I'm 28 now, and I've finally started breaking free of this over the past few months. I'm still really struggling with the idea that it's okay for me to have boundaries and that I don't have to be a saint who welcomes everyone into her life with open arms, even when they set off my alarm bells. I don't want to completely lose the understanding, forgiving side of my personality, but I need to balance that with acknowledging shady behavior and enforcing my boundaries. I just feel really lost about how to achieve that balance, and I'm worried about being over-vigilant and chasing away good people.
If you've been in a similar position, how did you find that middle ground?
Enforce boundaries early, and if it's something where you'd be happy to have the person in your life if they respect the boundary do it as though it was simply something they did not know and will be happy to learn about.
Good people are happy to learn what they can do to make you comfortable.
People who are upset you have a boundary tell you something about themselves too.
I didn't want to think "wow, this person is a selfish jerk"... it felt like even thinking those thoughts was a cruel thing to do.
Revise this thought to "Wow, this person is behaving like a selfish jerk right now", so it's about their behavior instead of them. Also, it's not cruel to think someone is a selfish jerk if the actually are a selfish jerk.
posted by yohko at 4:55 PM on October 8, 2014 [8 favorites]
Good people are happy to learn what they can do to make you comfortable.
People who are upset you have a boundary tell you something about themselves too.
I didn't want to think "wow, this person is a selfish jerk"... it felt like even thinking those thoughts was a cruel thing to do.
Revise this thought to "Wow, this person is behaving like a selfish jerk right now", so it's about their behavior instead of them. Also, it's not cruel to think someone is a selfish jerk if the actually are a selfish jerk.
posted by yohko at 4:55 PM on October 8, 2014 [8 favorites]
Therapy will help. But it's not a bad rule to be guided by, "do what you want."
If you are asked to do something and it doesn't appeal, just say no. If someone isn't fun, or makes you uncomfortable or in any way rings an alarm bell, don't interact with them.
Will people flake on you and let you down sometimes? Sure, but it won't be a constant thing. Give folks one pass. A friend bails at the last minute, no prob. But if someone bails more often than not, that person finds that his/her invitations are no longer extended or accepted.
You don't have to be in anyone's face about it. Just live your life just as you like. Do what you want. Be who you want. Say what you think.
Some of your friends won't get it and will moan. They weren't your friends really. Let them fade away.
If you grew up in a dysfunctional family, you seek the familiar, which is why you were attracted to people who treated you badly. Now that you know better, you'll do better. You'll find people who have awesome stuff to share with you and who ask no more in return than what you are willing to give.
It's awesome!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 4:56 PM on October 8, 2014 [6 favorites]
If you are asked to do something and it doesn't appeal, just say no. If someone isn't fun, or makes you uncomfortable or in any way rings an alarm bell, don't interact with them.
Will people flake on you and let you down sometimes? Sure, but it won't be a constant thing. Give folks one pass. A friend bails at the last minute, no prob. But if someone bails more often than not, that person finds that his/her invitations are no longer extended or accepted.
You don't have to be in anyone's face about it. Just live your life just as you like. Do what you want. Be who you want. Say what you think.
Some of your friends won't get it and will moan. They weren't your friends really. Let them fade away.
If you grew up in a dysfunctional family, you seek the familiar, which is why you were attracted to people who treated you badly. Now that you know better, you'll do better. You'll find people who have awesome stuff to share with you and who ask no more in return than what you are willing to give.
It's awesome!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 4:56 PM on October 8, 2014 [6 favorites]
My position is that you DO want to be overselective right out of the gate. When that flag goes up, right there you want to make sure you haven't misunderstood - because most of the time it's either real shittiness or it's a vocabulary issue - and if you have not, then there's your flag.
This is hard, because we convince ourselves that nobody will ever love us and we're only good enough for this guy who's okay but not great. THAT is your actual hurdle, that you think you aren't good enough for better.
You can be brutally unforgiving as long as YOU are satisfied with the bar you set. You can reject someone because they hate cats, or because they won't watch foreign movies, or because they're kind of racist or bad at paying bills on time or don't take care of themselves when they're sick. You're choosing your future quality of life, you don't get points for taking on someone you know from early on is not a good fit for you.
There will be plenty of things you can let slide because they are legitimately not a big deal to you. If you don't care whether he's religious or not super career-oriented (but able to take care of himself) or terrified of spiders, you can blow that stuff off. But you're only kneecapping yourself to overlook things that are important to you.
It helps a lot to know what your boundaries actually are today, with the understanding that most of them are not set in stone for life and you will have to revisit all through the course of the relationship, and that you're not stuck forever with someone if they do turn out to be not for you. Don't just wait for stuff to come up, though, so you constantly have to decide in the moment "is this okay? what about this?" There will always be surprises, but if you know you have a hard limit on, say, financial irresponsibility you will already know that you need to stop if you hit it.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:02 PM on October 8, 2014 [11 favorites]
This is hard, because we convince ourselves that nobody will ever love us and we're only good enough for this guy who's okay but not great. THAT is your actual hurdle, that you think you aren't good enough for better.
You can be brutally unforgiving as long as YOU are satisfied with the bar you set. You can reject someone because they hate cats, or because they won't watch foreign movies, or because they're kind of racist or bad at paying bills on time or don't take care of themselves when they're sick. You're choosing your future quality of life, you don't get points for taking on someone you know from early on is not a good fit for you.
There will be plenty of things you can let slide because they are legitimately not a big deal to you. If you don't care whether he's religious or not super career-oriented (but able to take care of himself) or terrified of spiders, you can blow that stuff off. But you're only kneecapping yourself to overlook things that are important to you.
It helps a lot to know what your boundaries actually are today, with the understanding that most of them are not set in stone for life and you will have to revisit all through the course of the relationship, and that you're not stuck forever with someone if they do turn out to be not for you. Don't just wait for stuff to come up, though, so you constantly have to decide in the moment "is this okay? what about this?" There will always be surprises, but if you know you have a hard limit on, say, financial irresponsibility you will already know that you need to stop if you hit it.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:02 PM on October 8, 2014 [11 favorites]
For me, the most important step was cutting out the toxic people completely.
My non-toxic friends tolerated my clumsy efforts at setting boundaries, and gently helped me learn to be a comfortable level of assertiveness. But the toxic people reacted with infinite drama, which threw me into confusing spirals of "am I doing the wrong thing?"
It was difficult to cut out the toxic friends. Many of my most interesting friends were bitter negative drama-queens. But some of them invited me often to very fun events, or offered to partner with me on lucrative business opportunities, or treated me like a trusted confidante, or told me that I'm one of their closest friends, or made time for me during their busy schedule.
It was hard for me to tell myself, "Yeah John invited me to that fun gala as a free guest, and he introduced me to that awesome job opening, but he also acted really smug and made me feel bad about myself regarding X, so I'm not going to hang out with him." I instead would think, "Yeah John did X, but he's so nice regarding the gala and job, so he's not so bad..."
Finally over the past few years, I've been treating the negative drama as a dealbreaker. No matter how many awesome other things the person does, if they're toxic, I won't make time for them. It is really hard! But it has made my life so so much better.
posted by vienna at 5:10 PM on October 8, 2014 [19 favorites]
My non-toxic friends tolerated my clumsy efforts at setting boundaries, and gently helped me learn to be a comfortable level of assertiveness. But the toxic people reacted with infinite drama, which threw me into confusing spirals of "am I doing the wrong thing?"
It was difficult to cut out the toxic friends. Many of my most interesting friends were bitter negative drama-queens. But some of them invited me often to very fun events, or offered to partner with me on lucrative business opportunities, or treated me like a trusted confidante, or told me that I'm one of their closest friends, or made time for me during their busy schedule.
It was hard for me to tell myself, "Yeah John invited me to that fun gala as a free guest, and he introduced me to that awesome job opening, but he also acted really smug and made me feel bad about myself regarding X, so I'm not going to hang out with him." I instead would think, "Yeah John did X, but he's so nice regarding the gala and job, so he's not so bad..."
Finally over the past few years, I've been treating the negative drama as a dealbreaker. No matter how many awesome other things the person does, if they're toxic, I won't make time for them. It is really hard! But it has made my life so so much better.
posted by vienna at 5:10 PM on October 8, 2014 [19 favorites]
Start by paying attention to how things make you feel. If you were taught that your feelings don't matter, you probably aren't very good at noticing as you shift from happy/sad or open/defensive/angry. So, notice what you feel and remember feelings are always just what they are. The actions that come later can be labelled good or bad but you should respect that feeling are telling you something that is worth knowing even if you don't choose to act on them.
Second relationships should have balance over time. Maybe not exactly 50/50. After all what feels like 50% to you may only feel like 48% to the recipient but if you are giving more than 60% over time then there is a problem in the relationship. Be especially careful early on when you don't know yet if the other person is able/interested in being a true friend back.
Third, if you don't like someone's behavior, you don't have to turn them into a bad guy. It enough just say "this isn't working for me" After all, boundaries are not about trying to change the other person, they are about making choices about what you are willing to do and if you don't want to stick around to be treated that way, you don't have to.
posted by metahawk at 5:14 PM on October 8, 2014 [10 favorites]
Second relationships should have balance over time. Maybe not exactly 50/50. After all what feels like 50% to you may only feel like 48% to the recipient but if you are giving more than 60% over time then there is a problem in the relationship. Be especially careful early on when you don't know yet if the other person is able/interested in being a true friend back.
Third, if you don't like someone's behavior, you don't have to turn them into a bad guy. It enough just say "this isn't working for me" After all, boundaries are not about trying to change the other person, they are about making choices about what you are willing to do and if you don't want to stick around to be treated that way, you don't have to.
posted by metahawk at 5:14 PM on October 8, 2014 [10 favorites]
The assertiveness bill of rights is a document I read from time to time, to remind myself that I deserve love and respect.
I highly recommend relational therapy. It helped me learn how it feels to be in a safe relationship where I can express myself without fear of judgement or consequences.
The habit I picked up in therapy that has improved my relationships the most is the following: instead of trying to cater to everyone, I prioritize figuring out how I feel. As metahawk says, you likely grew up in a household where you weren't allowed to express many negative emotions. Yet, negative emotions are very important guides. Sharing them in assertive ways will solidify healthy relationships and push away people who expect you to always be "on" for them.
posted by Milau at 5:22 PM on October 8, 2014 [6 favorites]
I highly recommend relational therapy. It helped me learn how it feels to be in a safe relationship where I can express myself without fear of judgement or consequences.
The habit I picked up in therapy that has improved my relationships the most is the following: instead of trying to cater to everyone, I prioritize figuring out how I feel. As metahawk says, you likely grew up in a household where you weren't allowed to express many negative emotions. Yet, negative emotions are very important guides. Sharing them in assertive ways will solidify healthy relationships and push away people who expect you to always be "on" for them.
posted by Milau at 5:22 PM on October 8, 2014 [6 favorites]
So I'd keep dismissing my concerns until something the other person did something so undeniably disrespectful or abusive that I just couldn't ignore it anymore.
First of all, you need to learn to speak up early when something bothers you, while it is still small. Initially, you may be doing it badly because you have a lot of emotional baggage and because you have no practice at this. So it may feel like you are making a mountain out of a molehill and you may well make a mountain out of a molehill a few times before you can learn how to effectively say "yeah, this is not some huge deal-breaking sin, but please do not do this." Decent people will generally be good about accommodating reasonable requests to "please do not do this" and jerks will show their hand by giving a lot of pushback and, when they do that, you can start withdrawing from the relationship before they have the chance to really do something horrible to you.
A lot of people are neither great nor terrible. So there is this huge gray zone of folks who will not be the most amazing, wonderful person you ever met, but who will mostly treat you decently IF you tell them how you want to be treated. Those same folks will tend treat you crappily if you let them even though they aren't terrible, evil people. They just are not sterling people and need regular feedback on what's okay with you.
So, second, you need focus on behavior, not "character." Behavior is something you can address in the here and now. Character takes time to flesh out. It is kind of like the difference between weather and climate. You can say "Please do not rain on my parade" and a non-toxic person will say "whoops, okay." Some people need to hear it two or three times before they get it and that's okay too. Try to repeat yourself politely. But after you have said that like 20 times and they are still raining on your parade, then you can conclude it's never going to get better and move on without feeling bad about it.
My personal saying: Forgiveness is a gift. Trust is earned.
So you don't have to hate someone to say "nuh, uh. I am not falling for that again. You have a proven track record of doing x and x is not acceptable."
posted by Michele in California at 5:23 PM on October 8, 2014 [4 favorites]
First of all, you need to learn to speak up early when something bothers you, while it is still small. Initially, you may be doing it badly because you have a lot of emotional baggage and because you have no practice at this. So it may feel like you are making a mountain out of a molehill and you may well make a mountain out of a molehill a few times before you can learn how to effectively say "yeah, this is not some huge deal-breaking sin, but please do not do this." Decent people will generally be good about accommodating reasonable requests to "please do not do this" and jerks will show their hand by giving a lot of pushback and, when they do that, you can start withdrawing from the relationship before they have the chance to really do something horrible to you.
A lot of people are neither great nor terrible. So there is this huge gray zone of folks who will not be the most amazing, wonderful person you ever met, but who will mostly treat you decently IF you tell them how you want to be treated. Those same folks will tend treat you crappily if you let them even though they aren't terrible, evil people. They just are not sterling people and need regular feedback on what's okay with you.
So, second, you need focus on behavior, not "character." Behavior is something you can address in the here and now. Character takes time to flesh out. It is kind of like the difference between weather and climate. You can say "Please do not rain on my parade" and a non-toxic person will say "whoops, okay." Some people need to hear it two or three times before they get it and that's okay too. Try to repeat yourself politely. But after you have said that like 20 times and they are still raining on your parade, then you can conclude it's never going to get better and move on without feeling bad about it.
My personal saying: Forgiveness is a gift. Trust is earned.
So you don't have to hate someone to say "nuh, uh. I am not falling for that again. You have a proven track record of doing x and x is not acceptable."
posted by Michele in California at 5:23 PM on October 8, 2014 [4 favorites]
I recommend the books The Dance of Anger and When Anger Scares You. Setting boundaries is about the ability to recognize your own anger and harness it in productive, respectful ways and about having confidence in your ability to deal with other people's anger. Those can be very scary prospects, and I think both books do a good job of teaching how to start building those skills.
posted by jaguar at 6:36 PM on October 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by jaguar at 6:36 PM on October 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
I find it's also helpful to remember that doormat ----- narcissist is a spectrum, and if I'm used to being on the doormat side of the spectrum, even small steps toward being balanced in the middle are going to feel like I'm being selfish, because they are, in reality, closer to the narcissist end of the spectrum than I previously was. But just because these new behaviors feel selfish to me, doesn't mean that they're actually selfish in reality.
posted by jaguar at 6:39 PM on October 8, 2014 [8 favorites]
posted by jaguar at 6:39 PM on October 8, 2014 [8 favorites]
You know what? I've been through this, and you have to stop doubting yourself. You probably have pretty good instincts already.
Here's what you do:
Give yourself a 2 week/3 month rule with guys:
If he's doing okay by 3 months, you can keep dating him.
If he's creepy by 2 weeks, ditch him.
You like your space and you can tell who is getting into it by two weeks. You like a guy and if he makes you feel good, keep seeing him. Then advance it out by two more weeks. Still good? Okay. Not? Ditch him. Three months? That's pretty good. Then take that guy two weeks further. Still good? Okay. No? Ditch him. Got it?
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 7:07 PM on October 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
Here's what you do:
Give yourself a 2 week/3 month rule with guys:
If he's doing okay by 3 months, you can keep dating him.
If he's creepy by 2 weeks, ditch him.
You like your space and you can tell who is getting into it by two weeks. You like a guy and if he makes you feel good, keep seeing him. Then advance it out by two more weeks. Still good? Okay. Not? Ditch him. Three months? That's pretty good. Then take that guy two weeks further. Still good? Okay. No? Ditch him. Got it?
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 7:07 PM on October 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
A large part of this, I think, is learning how to say things like "could you do that washing up, I'll dry" or "No I don't fancy Chinese" or "I need tonight to myself, but how about Friday", without feeling like it's a big deal and without sounding like you think it's a big deal. This is a good thing to start doing right at the beginning, because A. once you accidentally start doormatting it's much harder to stop, and B. Doormatty behaviour attracts the kind of people who like doormats for wiping their muddy feet on.
posted by emilyw at 2:48 AM on October 9, 2014 [8 favorites]
posted by emilyw at 2:48 AM on October 9, 2014 [8 favorites]
2nding what jaguar said about the spectrum. Having been brought up in a similar way to you, and now learning to live more assertively and protectively of my boundaries, I figure that what feels "selfish" or "cold" to me is actually considered "normal" by many people. What seems "nice" to me is often "way too nice and almost doormat-like" by many people. My spectrum is very skewed towards the cool, nice, submissive.
And a lot of this is gendered; we're conditioned as girls and women not to make a fuss--lest we be prissy, high-maintenance, bitchy, or the worst of all: "crazy." Something that helps as a quick fix is to ask myself WWADD: What Would a Dude Do? What can a man get away with, boundary-wise, and does that seem reasonable to me? Why or why not?
posted by magdalemon at 7:19 AM on October 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
And a lot of this is gendered; we're conditioned as girls and women not to make a fuss--lest we be prissy, high-maintenance, bitchy, or the worst of all: "crazy." Something that helps as a quick fix is to ask myself WWADD: What Would a Dude Do? What can a man get away with, boundary-wise, and does that seem reasonable to me? Why or why not?
posted by magdalemon at 7:19 AM on October 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
Enforcing boundaries does NOT ruin, kill, or even really damage your goodness. It does NOT, EVER, make you a bad person. In fact, the healthier boundaries you set and enforce, the better, healthier and happier person you are, and that gives you more time, energy and mental health and happiness to help others. Drama is exhausting, basically.
You have every right to have and voice opinions, needs, wants, and especially issues about your health/behavior needs. Unhealthy and manipulative people don't like to hear your boundaries, cause, well, its kinda in their job description. The reality is, some people are broken and manipulative and unsafe. You were raised by some. I'd even go so far as to say if you put up with bad behavior from them, you're kinda enabling them and not helping them grow. But thats kinda advanced. Full point: You can and should set boundaries!
I know its hard. But you have good instincts. https://www.uic.edu/orgs/convening/resistan.htm
I'm linking to my favorite poem/story by the incredible Portia Nelson. (the psych stuff at the bottom may or may not be applicable to you, take what works for you there) Congratulations on being well on your way to being in the transition from 3 to 4 :)
Also, remember you always deserve love! The more you can give yourself, the more others will too.
posted by Jacen at 8:44 AM on October 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
You have every right to have and voice opinions, needs, wants, and especially issues about your health/behavior needs. Unhealthy and manipulative people don't like to hear your boundaries, cause, well, its kinda in their job description. The reality is, some people are broken and manipulative and unsafe. You were raised by some. I'd even go so far as to say if you put up with bad behavior from them, you're kinda enabling them and not helping them grow. But thats kinda advanced. Full point: You can and should set boundaries!
I know its hard. But you have good instincts. https://www.uic.edu/orgs/convening/resistan.htm
I'm linking to my favorite poem/story by the incredible Portia Nelson. (the psych stuff at the bottom may or may not be applicable to you, take what works for you there) Congratulations on being well on your way to being in the transition from 3 to 4 :)
Also, remember you always deserve love! The more you can give yourself, the more others will too.
posted by Jacen at 8:44 AM on October 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
Thank you for posting this. My own upbringing was in a similar dysfunctional environment and how that's manifested itself in my subsequent relationships has been scary; I either shut down completely when challenged, fly into tantrums, or (most commonly) bending over backwards because I never felt like I'm 'good enough' for someone who continues to treat me disrespectfully.
As I've gotten older, repeated relationships have taught me that my gut instinct is precious. Every time a red flag popped up, whether with a friend or boyfriend, I'd quash it if I REALLY liked them. And every time, I'd end up getting my heart broken, mostly because I was attracting (selfish) men with similar mountainous insecurities who were pretending to be something they weren't. Same with the friends I tried to make.
My balance came from consistently reminding myself that being respectful of someone else's needs at the expense of my own needs usually never had a positive outcome. Granted, that's the mantra of selfish people, but most of us are self-aware and humble enough to know when we're being unreasonable or inconsiderate vs. prioritizing our sanity/ mental health/ happiness. And at times when I've struggled with deciding whether I really am being selfish, closing my eyes and allowing my gut instinct to guide my decision has never failed.
posted by Everydayville at 2:57 PM on October 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
As I've gotten older, repeated relationships have taught me that my gut instinct is precious. Every time a red flag popped up, whether with a friend or boyfriend, I'd quash it if I REALLY liked them. And every time, I'd end up getting my heart broken, mostly because I was attracting (selfish) men with similar mountainous insecurities who were pretending to be something they weren't. Same with the friends I tried to make.
My balance came from consistently reminding myself that being respectful of someone else's needs at the expense of my own needs usually never had a positive outcome. Granted, that's the mantra of selfish people, but most of us are self-aware and humble enough to know when we're being unreasonable or inconsiderate vs. prioritizing our sanity/ mental health/ happiness. And at times when I've struggled with deciding whether I really am being selfish, closing my eyes and allowing my gut instinct to guide my decision has never failed.
posted by Everydayville at 2:57 PM on October 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
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People will be quick to say therapist, but friends might help calibrate your barometer.
posted by just.good.enough at 4:54 PM on October 8, 2014 [1 favorite]