Not My Grandma
October 5, 2014 2:07 PM Subscribe
My husband's grandparent died. I'm wondering if I'm behaving in a decent way and need some advice.
This week my husband's 89-year-old paternal grandmother died. For the past year, my husband's parents were taking care of her in their home. The death was not unexpected and she was receiving hospice care.
Since I have dinner with my in-laws twice a month, I frequently saw my husband's grandmother when they were caring for her. My husband and I have been married for sixteen years and together for over twenty. We have always lived in the same town as grandmother and saw her often. We were never particularly close but we were very friendly when we saw one another.
Five days before grandmother died some of my husband's cousins (adult grandchildren) and one of my husband's aunts were coming to visit grandmother. My husband did not attend this visit because he was working. My father-in-law (grandmother's son) was working as well. The morning of the visit my mother-in-law called and said that the cousins were coming and asked if I would like to come over. This was the first I heard of the visit. The cousins live approximately two hours away. I know the cousins. I like the cousins, but politely declined to go. I told my mother-in-law that I was tired and didn't mean to a party-pooper but was going to stay home. Party-popper probably wasn't the best choice of words but overall I was polite. My thoughts: 1. They are her grandchildren. Let them visit with their grandmother before she dies. I don't have to be there. 2. I really was tired and was pretty set on staying home.
Was this rude? Should I have gone? I don't feel badly about it. My husband says that he would have gone but there is nothing wrong with me not going.
My other question has to do with expressions of sympathy. There will be a family memorial service. I will be attending the service and will be seeing the cousins and family. I have not called any of the cousins or commented on their Facebook posts about their grandmother dying. I have not sent a card or said a peep to any of them about their grandmother dying. I have not spoken to my in-laws since she died, although my husband has. What is my role and what is the proper etiquette in offering condolences? Should I be saying anything to the cousins or can I just say something to them at the service?
This week my husband's 89-year-old paternal grandmother died. For the past year, my husband's parents were taking care of her in their home. The death was not unexpected and she was receiving hospice care.
Since I have dinner with my in-laws twice a month, I frequently saw my husband's grandmother when they were caring for her. My husband and I have been married for sixteen years and together for over twenty. We have always lived in the same town as grandmother and saw her often. We were never particularly close but we were very friendly when we saw one another.
Five days before grandmother died some of my husband's cousins (adult grandchildren) and one of my husband's aunts were coming to visit grandmother. My husband did not attend this visit because he was working. My father-in-law (grandmother's son) was working as well. The morning of the visit my mother-in-law called and said that the cousins were coming and asked if I would like to come over. This was the first I heard of the visit. The cousins live approximately two hours away. I know the cousins. I like the cousins, but politely declined to go. I told my mother-in-law that I was tired and didn't mean to a party-pooper but was going to stay home. Party-popper probably wasn't the best choice of words but overall I was polite. My thoughts: 1. They are her grandchildren. Let them visit with their grandmother before she dies. I don't have to be there. 2. I really was tired and was pretty set on staying home.
Was this rude? Should I have gone? I don't feel badly about it. My husband says that he would have gone but there is nothing wrong with me not going.
My other question has to do with expressions of sympathy. There will be a family memorial service. I will be attending the service and will be seeing the cousins and family. I have not called any of the cousins or commented on their Facebook posts about their grandmother dying. I have not sent a card or said a peep to any of them about their grandmother dying. I have not spoken to my in-laws since she died, although my husband has. What is my role and what is the proper etiquette in offering condolences? Should I be saying anything to the cousins or can I just say something to them at the service?
Best answer: Reach out to the cousins as you are able, perhaps via private message on Facebook or via text, to express your condolences. It won't take but a minute or two per person and you can acknowledge their loss. Though you have been a part of the family for two decades, it seems as though you feel like this is their loss more than yours. That's okay, but don't fade away because it's not your loss.
When people are grieving, even when grieving the very old, they want others to acknowledge it. That's all. Don't say nothing because you aren't sure what to say. Just be supportive of your husband and in-laws, and be helpful as you can.
In other words, if you have helpful urges, follow through on them.
I'm sorry for your loss.
posted by heathergirl at 2:15 PM on October 5, 2014 [11 favorites]
When people are grieving, even when grieving the very old, they want others to acknowledge it. That's all. Don't say nothing because you aren't sure what to say. Just be supportive of your husband and in-laws, and be helpful as you can.
In other words, if you have helpful urges, follow through on them.
I'm sorry for your loss.
posted by heathergirl at 2:15 PM on October 5, 2014 [11 favorites]
Best answer: You were not rude.
A grandparent-in-law is hardly a relative. I assume you've expressed your condolences to your husband, but the line-of-relations is awfully stretched in this case.
posted by BostonTerrier at 2:16 PM on October 5, 2014
A grandparent-in-law is hardly a relative. I assume you've expressed your condolences to your husband, but the line-of-relations is awfully stretched in this case.
posted by BostonTerrier at 2:16 PM on October 5, 2014
Best answer: There was nothing wrong in your response and in fact it appears that no one else thinks so either.
If you'd like to reach out, give the relatives a call to see how they are, ask if you can do anything and to mention something nice about Grandmother.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:20 PM on October 5, 2014 [2 favorites]
If you'd like to reach out, give the relatives a call to see how they are, ask if you can do anything and to mention something nice about Grandmother.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:20 PM on October 5, 2014 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Condolences. I'm sorry for your family's loss.
As a daughter-in-law, most families would rightly consider you part of the family. A family member's passing (or impending passing) is a time when families come together, and I think that's what your mother-in-law was inviting you to do with her phone call. You're also a representative of your family, i.e. you and your husband, when he can't attend a family function. So she was including you as a part of the family.
I wouldn't worry about whether how you responded was ok since it's over and can't be changed, but I would find out how your husband would want you to respond in a similar situation in the future. Then do your best to attend all the family functions and get-togethers surrounding her death, be supportive by making sure your help is offered wherever possible, and help take care of things so that your husband's grandmother's direct family members are free to interact with any visitors or officials.
posted by summerstorm at 2:20 PM on October 5, 2014 [7 favorites]
As a daughter-in-law, most families would rightly consider you part of the family. A family member's passing (or impending passing) is a time when families come together, and I think that's what your mother-in-law was inviting you to do with her phone call. You're also a representative of your family, i.e. you and your husband, when he can't attend a family function. So she was including you as a part of the family.
I wouldn't worry about whether how you responded was ok since it's over and can't be changed, but I would find out how your husband would want you to respond in a similar situation in the future. Then do your best to attend all the family functions and get-togethers surrounding her death, be supportive by making sure your help is offered wherever possible, and help take care of things so that your husband's grandmother's direct family members are free to interact with any visitors or officials.
posted by summerstorm at 2:20 PM on October 5, 2014 [7 favorites]
Best answer: What would you like if the situation was reversed? Would you appreciate a kind word from these people? Err on the side of kindness - it's not about etiquette.
posted by judith at 2:24 PM on October 5, 2014 [19 favorites]
posted by judith at 2:24 PM on October 5, 2014 [19 favorites]
Best answer: What is my role and what is the proper etiquette in offering condolences?
Your role is that you don't have one. Nobody's thinking about you right now. Be present, be helpful, be on time, be predictable. You attend the services, you say kind words, you offer to help, etc. Ask your husband what he thinks you should be doing and what help he needs.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 3:01 PM on October 5, 2014 [4 favorites]
Your role is that you don't have one. Nobody's thinking about you right now. Be present, be helpful, be on time, be predictable. You attend the services, you say kind words, you offer to help, etc. Ask your husband what he thinks you should be doing and what help he needs.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 3:01 PM on October 5, 2014 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Forget about it -- it's done. It was good of your mother-in-law to ask you, but her asking doesn't mean you were wrong not to go.
If your husband thinks you should have gone to the gathering, or if he's heard that someone else in the family was displeased, you can take care of that. Tell her in your warmest manner that you wish you could have joined them when the cousins came, and it was so nice of her to invite you. Actually, it wouldn't hurt to do that anyway.
posted by wryly at 3:09 PM on October 5, 2014 [2 favorites]
If your husband thinks you should have gone to the gathering, or if he's heard that someone else in the family was displeased, you can take care of that. Tell her in your warmest manner that you wish you could have joined them when the cousins came, and it was so nice of her to invite you. Actually, it wouldn't hurt to do that anyway.
posted by wryly at 3:09 PM on October 5, 2014 [2 favorites]
Best answer: When my husband's grandmother died, I got up and shared some fond remembrances of her at her service. But other grandchildren-in-law from the family did not even attend due to travel costs, not being able to take time off work, etc. Nobody judged anyone and all responses seemed appropriate. I'll second the advice that nobody is thinking about you right now. They are thinking of their grandmother and of their surviving blood relatives. It seems you're dealing with this loss very appropriately.
Related Note: What was tricky for me (and other grandchilden-in-law in the family) was the dividing-up of her things. I tried to walk a fine line between being interested/appreciative of any items we inherited from her, but not coveting anything or appearing greedy for items that I have no claim to. This was especially true when divvying up her jewelry (as a female, you might be the recipient of a few token items and it's odd because your husband -- the grandson -- will not be).
posted by RingerChopChop at 3:28 PM on October 5, 2014 [1 favorite]
Related Note: What was tricky for me (and other grandchilden-in-law in the family) was the dividing-up of her things. I tried to walk a fine line between being interested/appreciative of any items we inherited from her, but not coveting anything or appearing greedy for items that I have no claim to. This was especially true when divvying up her jewelry (as a female, you might be the recipient of a few token items and it's odd because your husband -- the grandson -- will not be).
posted by RingerChopChop at 3:28 PM on October 5, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: My husband and I have been together about as long as you and your husband have. When my grandma died this spring, he held me while I cried, when to the visitation and made polite conversation with folks, helped out with the family lunch, played with my nephews some to distract them, and sat patiently next to me holding my hand through the religious services which are not in any way his thing. And that was all that he needed to be doing.
I can't tell you who said what to me that week. Some of my relatives were chattier than others, some just wanted to cry. None of it really matters now, I promise.
posted by hydropsyche at 3:47 PM on October 5, 2014 [1 favorite]
I can't tell you who said what to me that week. Some of my relatives were chattier than others, some just wanted to cry. None of it really matters now, I promise.
posted by hydropsyche at 3:47 PM on October 5, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Declining the party invitation was totally fine.
Send a card to your father-in-law, expressing condolences and saying nice things about his mother, supported by one or more reminiscences/anecdotes. You might do this on Facebook if there's not enough time left before the memorial service.
posted by feral_goldfish at 4:13 PM on October 5, 2014
Send a card to your father-in-law, expressing condolences and saying nice things about his mother, supported by one or more reminiscences/anecdotes. You might do this on Facebook if there's not enough time left before the memorial service.
posted by feral_goldfish at 4:13 PM on October 5, 2014
Best answer: You weren't rude.
Your role now is to be supportive of your husband.
Personally, I think you're best off not using 'social media' for something like this. Express your condolences in person. Or if you can't do that, call them on the phone and have a conversation with them.
Hang in there.
posted by doctor tough love at 4:45 PM on October 5, 2014 [1 favorite]
Your role now is to be supportive of your husband.
Personally, I think you're best off not using 'social media' for something like this. Express your condolences in person. Or if you can't do that, call them on the phone and have a conversation with them.
Hang in there.
posted by doctor tough love at 4:45 PM on October 5, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Nthing judith's advice to err on the side of kindness. We lost my father almost exactly a year ago, and we were floored by all the kindness we received from family, neighbors, friends, my dad's classmates from fifty years before. We still talk about how lovely the florist was to us -- she sent my mother a personal note and some seashells and she'd never even met my dad before.
Kindness came in the weeks and months that followed, too. People are remembering the anniversary this week, and we are so surprised. We plan to remember how to do this with others.
It's OK to comment on facebook. It's OK to send a thoughtful note. People remember kindnesses.
posted by mochapickle at 4:49 PM on October 5, 2014 [2 favorites]
Kindness came in the weeks and months that followed, too. People are remembering the anniversary this week, and we are so surprised. We plan to remember how to do this with others.
It's OK to comment on facebook. It's OK to send a thoughtful note. People remember kindnesses.
posted by mochapickle at 4:49 PM on October 5, 2014 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I'm not often great with condolence messages. What I AM good at, is being useful in a sad time or crisis. I excel at funerals because I can go into productive mode, at a time when most people are overcome by grief. For example, I can help at the funeral reception with making sure food/drinks are done right. I can help clean up before and after, and I can make sure logistics go smoothly. I can make sure all the funeral rites are paid for, and that people from out of town know where to go and what to do. This usually suffices, I find, and grieving people are often very grateful for this support. Here's your chance to figure out how you can contribute - even if you are not personally affected by this tragedy. Contribution often means just as much as condolences, and can be just as kind.
posted by shazzam! at 6:58 PM on October 5, 2014
posted by shazzam! at 6:58 PM on October 5, 2014
Response by poster: Thank you for the advice and answers. I marked all as best because all were helpful. Thank you again.
posted by Fairchild at 8:07 PM on October 5, 2014
posted by Fairchild at 8:07 PM on October 5, 2014
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Don't worry about the social media aspects of condolences, including phone calls. Say something nice to people at the service.
If anyone gives you any attitude over either thing, just change the subject. We all grieve in our own ways -- if people seem to be mad at you, be gracious and let them get over it in their own time.
posted by Etrigan at 2:14 PM on October 5, 2014 [7 favorites]