Why am I so unhappy with my perfectly OK life?
September 30, 2014 6:19 AM Subscribe
I am having a hard time figuring out how to fix some of my mundane, yet very real, problems. Is it time for a counselor or psychologist? Any advice out there that could help me sort all this out? More (lots more) details inside.
Issue #1: Affection/Sex: My husband is a great guy and we have a pretty good (enviable, even) marriage. We hardly argue, we enjoy each other's company, and I am attracted to him. He openly states with frequency that I am the best thing that has ever happened to him and that he'd be lost without me. However, he is not physically affectionate towards me and our sex life is pretty dismal at the moment. He has always been very non-aggressive and I like (love) aggressiveness. I have explained this to him, but it really hasn't changed things. He wants me to be the aggressive one and wants me to initiate sex more often. I try, but I usually feel sort of uncomfortable when I try, and that just kills the whole sex thing for me. But to be honest, he doesn't initiate it much either. Our jobs (I have two, he has one.) leave us (well me at least) absolutely exhausted and that doesn't help matters. He definitely used to be more interested in sex, but he just seems to be in his own little word on most nights and just wants to go to bed. All of this has made me feel extremely unattractive, which leads me to issues #2-3.
Issue #2-3: Weight Gain and The Second Job: I have gained weight. I am not obese, but I am undeniably overweight. I have dealt with weight issues my whole life. I work about 55 mentally/emotionally taxing hours a week, and yes I can pencil in time for working out, sure, but Jesus Christ I'm tired. He conversely has one job and has been able to get in much better shape and lose a whole bunch of weight. We need the extra income from my second job. It just pays too well for me to give up. (I sort of hate my career, and I feel completely unfulfilled in that realm as well, but I will spare you the details on that one.) I have brought up the idea of him possibly getting a second job to help me at least cut down on the hours at mine, and while he seems open to the idea, he has not pursued it at all. To his credit, he does do his fair share of chores around the house and such. But I am definitely slightly resentful and feel like I have been pushed into the "second job" corner, which has contributed to my weight gain, which is why I feel like he isn't attracted to me anymore. Plus, when we do have time to be social, I am typically so tired and full of stress, that I just need to stay home. If I do go out, I just sit there half asleep. And when we do go out, it's with his friends, because quite frankly, I just don't have too many.
Issue #4-5: Lack of Friends and Inappropriate Crushes: I have done a lot of moving around and just don't have a lot of friends in my current area, which is painfully rural. His friends are super nice, but sitting around talking about fantasy football for hours just doesn't keep me stimulated. I absolutely ache for good conversation with someone other than my husband. (No offense to him on this front, I just need a change of pace occasionally.) Which is where the inappropriate crush comes in. He has a friend who lives two hours away (THANK GOD) that comes home occasionally and he and I just hit it off. I enjoy talking to him so much. He is hilarious, and smart, and just one of the best conversationalist I have ever encountered. I am also physically attracted to him. I would never act on this and while I think he and I do have a connection, I can't say with any certainty that he is attracted back. Not that it matters, because I could never cheat on my husband. But it has made be question a lot of things and I am thinking about him (the crush) constantly. It's not healthy.
So that, in a nutshell, is the situation. So what's my question, you ask. How do I begin unraveling this? I worry that one day I am going to wake up and just snap. Not at my husband, but just at life. I guess I am approaching burnout (that ever popular phrase) and I am scared that I am going to make a huge mess of things. I love my husband. I want to be happy. But these little issues are just ruining my life.
Your thoughts and advice are appreciated.
Issue #1: Affection/Sex: My husband is a great guy and we have a pretty good (enviable, even) marriage. We hardly argue, we enjoy each other's company, and I am attracted to him. He openly states with frequency that I am the best thing that has ever happened to him and that he'd be lost without me. However, he is not physically affectionate towards me and our sex life is pretty dismal at the moment. He has always been very non-aggressive and I like (love) aggressiveness. I have explained this to him, but it really hasn't changed things. He wants me to be the aggressive one and wants me to initiate sex more often. I try, but I usually feel sort of uncomfortable when I try, and that just kills the whole sex thing for me. But to be honest, he doesn't initiate it much either. Our jobs (I have two, he has one.) leave us (well me at least) absolutely exhausted and that doesn't help matters. He definitely used to be more interested in sex, but he just seems to be in his own little word on most nights and just wants to go to bed. All of this has made me feel extremely unattractive, which leads me to issues #2-3.
Issue #2-3: Weight Gain and The Second Job: I have gained weight. I am not obese, but I am undeniably overweight. I have dealt with weight issues my whole life. I work about 55 mentally/emotionally taxing hours a week, and yes I can pencil in time for working out, sure, but Jesus Christ I'm tired. He conversely has one job and has been able to get in much better shape and lose a whole bunch of weight. We need the extra income from my second job. It just pays too well for me to give up. (I sort of hate my career, and I feel completely unfulfilled in that realm as well, but I will spare you the details on that one.) I have brought up the idea of him possibly getting a second job to help me at least cut down on the hours at mine, and while he seems open to the idea, he has not pursued it at all. To his credit, he does do his fair share of chores around the house and such. But I am definitely slightly resentful and feel like I have been pushed into the "second job" corner, which has contributed to my weight gain, which is why I feel like he isn't attracted to me anymore. Plus, when we do have time to be social, I am typically so tired and full of stress, that I just need to stay home. If I do go out, I just sit there half asleep. And when we do go out, it's with his friends, because quite frankly, I just don't have too many.
Issue #4-5: Lack of Friends and Inappropriate Crushes: I have done a lot of moving around and just don't have a lot of friends in my current area, which is painfully rural. His friends are super nice, but sitting around talking about fantasy football for hours just doesn't keep me stimulated. I absolutely ache for good conversation with someone other than my husband. (No offense to him on this front, I just need a change of pace occasionally.) Which is where the inappropriate crush comes in. He has a friend who lives two hours away (THANK GOD) that comes home occasionally and he and I just hit it off. I enjoy talking to him so much. He is hilarious, and smart, and just one of the best conversationalist I have ever encountered. I am also physically attracted to him. I would never act on this and while I think he and I do have a connection, I can't say with any certainty that he is attracted back. Not that it matters, because I could never cheat on my husband. But it has made be question a lot of things and I am thinking about him (the crush) constantly. It's not healthy.
So that, in a nutshell, is the situation. So what's my question, you ask. How do I begin unraveling this? I worry that one day I am going to wake up and just snap. Not at my husband, but just at life. I guess I am approaching burnout (that ever popular phrase) and I am scared that I am going to make a huge mess of things. I love my husband. I want to be happy. But these little issues are just ruining my life.
Your thoughts and advice are appreciated.
"I'm cutting back on my hours at that second job because it is killing me and our marriage. I need to get in shape and I need my own friends. I'm going to use the extra time to join a social club/sports team/etc. I know money will be tight and we're going to need to cut back on X Y and Z unless you want to look for a second job, but I need this."
posted by steinwald at 6:30 AM on September 30, 2014 [37 favorites]
posted by steinwald at 6:30 AM on September 30, 2014 [37 favorites]
It just pays too well for me to give up. (I sort of hate my career, and I feel completely unfulfilled in that realm as well, but I will spare you the details on that one.)
I feel like you are glossing over the most important bit here - you're working an awful lot, and week in week out that can take a toll on you. It'd be easier if you enjoyed the work, but it sounds like you don't, so besides the money, you're getting nothing out of it.
Now, I know you said you need the money, and I don't disbelieve you. However, I think with more free time and less stress you'll feel better about things - and there is always room to downsize and make cutbacks so that you could work a saner schedule at the job you liked more. Or make it a priority for him to find some extra money. Or some combination of the two. I think it is very much worth it for you both to explore this in a more serious fashion than have so far.
I really urge you to bring this up to your husband - this is becoming serious now - and yes, use the phrase burnt out. What you have been doing used to work fine. Now it doesn't. That's fine, shit happens/things change. You guys are a team and I think you can and should find a solution as a team so you both are happier.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 6:35 AM on September 30, 2014 [2 favorites]
I feel like you are glossing over the most important bit here - you're working an awful lot, and week in week out that can take a toll on you. It'd be easier if you enjoyed the work, but it sounds like you don't, so besides the money, you're getting nothing out of it.
Now, I know you said you need the money, and I don't disbelieve you. However, I think with more free time and less stress you'll feel better about things - and there is always room to downsize and make cutbacks so that you could work a saner schedule at the job you liked more. Or make it a priority for him to find some extra money. Or some combination of the two. I think it is very much worth it for you both to explore this in a more serious fashion than have so far.
I really urge you to bring this up to your husband - this is becoming serious now - and yes, use the phrase burnt out. What you have been doing used to work fine. Now it doesn't. That's fine, shit happens/things change. You guys are a team and I think you can and should find a solution as a team so you both are happier.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 6:35 AM on September 30, 2014 [2 favorites]
Lots of men hit a resentment moment when their sex partners never initiate - it makes them feel like they are not attractive and that their partner is just playing along for their sake. They stop initiating as much as they used to due to resentment and shame. This is normal and it will take work on both of your parts but people manage to fix this exact problem every day.
55 hours is a pretty typical work week for most people, and most people tend to manage their lives around such a workload. Most work even more than that.
Most people develop a crush on someone outside their marriage. Your husband probably has one too. As long as you realize that this is fantasy rather than reality and don't stray into "emotional affair" territory it is harmless.
I guess what I am saying is that a CBT therapist might be a good idea for helping you work through your feelings concerning what sounds like a normal life. Especially if you have few of your own friends you can talk to as you suggest.
Another thing I would suggest is to spend some time really thinking about what you want you life to look like, even if the things you really want aren't admirable or what you think others expect from you. Do you want to be with this other man? Do you want to quit work and be supported in a stress-free life? You might balk at it, but you're leaving happiness on the table if you aren't honest with yourself.
posted by Willie0248 at 6:37 AM on September 30, 2014 [3 favorites]
55 hours is a pretty typical work week for most people, and most people tend to manage their lives around such a workload. Most work even more than that.
Most people develop a crush on someone outside their marriage. Your husband probably has one too. As long as you realize that this is fantasy rather than reality and don't stray into "emotional affair" territory it is harmless.
I guess what I am saying is that a CBT therapist might be a good idea for helping you work through your feelings concerning what sounds like a normal life. Especially if you have few of your own friends you can talk to as you suggest.
Another thing I would suggest is to spend some time really thinking about what you want you life to look like, even if the things you really want aren't admirable or what you think others expect from you. Do you want to be with this other man? Do you want to quit work and be supported in a stress-free life? You might balk at it, but you're leaving happiness on the table if you aren't honest with yourself.
posted by Willie0248 at 6:37 AM on September 30, 2014 [3 favorites]
Please excuse me for quoting myself. This is from a parenting thread, but it absolutely applies to you:
Exhaustion and lack of free time makes us all terrible people. Most of the time I'm nice. But when the baby is especially needy, and the preschooler is especially loud, and I'm exhausted, and husband doesn't seem to be pulling his weight, I stonewall him. Sometimes it seems like I just don't have any more capacity in my heart to show him compassion. During these times I'm not receptive to criticism, and I'm not proud to say, sometimes outright mean. Because I can't take it out on the kids, y'know? I hate it, and I try to keep a lid on it, but sometimes I just can't.
[snip]
We've had intimacy problems too, of the sort you describe. The never actually connecting with each other enough to get around to a snuggle. If you can schedule 15 minutes into your day to sit and talk with no tv on in the background, it helps. We sometimes sit on the porch with a drink in the dark for that time. The intimacy problems are definitely contributing to your lack of progress in coming to an understanding on the [...] issue.
Sound familiar?
I have two little kids, you have a second job. It's a nasty spiral. You get miserable and feel disconnected, you stonewall spouse, which makes you more miserable, lather rinse repeat.
Inform him that your mental health necessitates you get some downtime. Ask him for his ideas on how to make that happen. Have some ideas of your own in your pocket. You need this - you're headed down a bad road.
posted by telepanda at 6:43 AM on September 30, 2014 [2 favorites]
Exhaustion and lack of free time makes us all terrible people. Most of the time I'm nice. But when the baby is especially needy, and the preschooler is especially loud, and I'm exhausted, and husband doesn't seem to be pulling his weight, I stonewall him. Sometimes it seems like I just don't have any more capacity in my heart to show him compassion. During these times I'm not receptive to criticism, and I'm not proud to say, sometimes outright mean. Because I can't take it out on the kids, y'know? I hate it, and I try to keep a lid on it, but sometimes I just can't.
[snip]
We've had intimacy problems too, of the sort you describe. The never actually connecting with each other enough to get around to a snuggle. If you can schedule 15 minutes into your day to sit and talk with no tv on in the background, it helps. We sometimes sit on the porch with a drink in the dark for that time. The intimacy problems are definitely contributing to your lack of progress in coming to an understanding on the [...] issue.
Sound familiar?
I have two little kids, you have a second job. It's a nasty spiral. You get miserable and feel disconnected, you stonewall spouse, which makes you more miserable, lather rinse repeat.
Inform him that your mental health necessitates you get some downtime. Ask him for his ideas on how to make that happen. Have some ideas of your own in your pocket. You need this - you're headed down a bad road.
posted by telepanda at 6:43 AM on September 30, 2014 [2 favorites]
Are you in a position where you can cut back your hours at one of your jobs? If so, I think you need to have another conversation with your husband about him getting a second job and you cutting back your hours. Set a date for when you will be cutting back and write it on the calendar. Stick to it. This current situation is really not fair on you. Hopefully setting a date is enough motivation for your husband to actually make an effort to find a second job.
In regards to exercise and being exhausted, have you tried doing something like yoga or pilates either in the morning or evening? Depending on what you do, it could be a nice way to energise yourself for the day or wind down before bed. I don't have many classes near me, so I sometimes do "Yoga with Adrienne" (on youtube). There are heaps of different videos available that cater to so many different needs. Don't have much space to do yoga? Watch "dorm room yoga". Feeling a bit down in Winter? Check out "Yoga for Winter Blues". She also has some great bedtime yoga videos that make me sleepy within about 60 seconds of starting and some yoga for weightloss videos that actually get my heart-rate up. (I'm not Adrienne doing some self-promotion, I swear!)
posted by kinddieserzeit at 6:47 AM on September 30, 2014 [2 favorites]
In regards to exercise and being exhausted, have you tried doing something like yoga or pilates either in the morning or evening? Depending on what you do, it could be a nice way to energise yourself for the day or wind down before bed. I don't have many classes near me, so I sometimes do "Yoga with Adrienne" (on youtube). There are heaps of different videos available that cater to so many different needs. Don't have much space to do yoga? Watch "dorm room yoga". Feeling a bit down in Winter? Check out "Yoga for Winter Blues". She also has some great bedtime yoga videos that make me sleepy within about 60 seconds of starting and some yoga for weightloss videos that actually get my heart-rate up. (I'm not Adrienne doing some self-promotion, I swear!)
posted by kinddieserzeit at 6:47 AM on September 30, 2014 [2 favorites]
When you fixate on what he is not, it only makes you more miserable. I would stop asking him and stop explaining. It's probably not going to happen. Initiating doesn't come naturally to you and being aggressive doesn't come naturally to him.
Weight gain and attraction: It's difficult but try not to take it personally. The human male is designed to be a visual creature and your husband may or may not be as attracted since you've gained weight. I think it's pointless to feel sorry for yourself. I'm not saying you're having a pity-party but if you believe he's less interested since you've gained weight, lose weight. I think people who get offended and upset and accuse their partners of being jerks because they don't find extra weight attractive are misguided. I think both partners have a responsibility not to get sloppy. We know how attraction works.
Blame, resentment, and excuses: We can't blame others or situations for weight gain. I've done it myself and it's just immature behavior. You're only punishing yourself.
He openly states with frequency that I am the best thing that has ever happened to him and that he'd be lost without me.
He definitely used to be more interested in sex, but he just seems to be in his own little word on most nights and just wants to go to bed. All of this has made me feel extremely unattractive
He would be lost without you and you feel unattractive because he isn't interested in sex. You may be relying on him too much to prop you up. Marriage works best when we are able to stand our own two feet and don't rely on our spouses to make or break our self-esteem. Marriage is a people-growing machine as David Schnarch says. We have to endure some pain, rejection, and be able to self-soothe without our partners coming to our rescue. This is what allows us to grow up and become adult. I don't know if you're doing this or not, but if you're being repeatedly needy and need your husband to assure you that you're attractive, that is a desire killer. Being kind, being nice, doing things for yourself, and being comfortable in your skin is an aphrodisiac.
Life is difficult at times. People will not behave in the way we want. Lowering your expectations and looking inward on what you might do (instead of what others might do) to increase your quality of life is the answer.
posted by Fairchild at 7:22 AM on September 30, 2014 [2 favorites]
Weight gain and attraction: It's difficult but try not to take it personally. The human male is designed to be a visual creature and your husband may or may not be as attracted since you've gained weight. I think it's pointless to feel sorry for yourself. I'm not saying you're having a pity-party but if you believe he's less interested since you've gained weight, lose weight. I think people who get offended and upset and accuse their partners of being jerks because they don't find extra weight attractive are misguided. I think both partners have a responsibility not to get sloppy. We know how attraction works.
Blame, resentment, and excuses: We can't blame others or situations for weight gain. I've done it myself and it's just immature behavior. You're only punishing yourself.
He openly states with frequency that I am the best thing that has ever happened to him and that he'd be lost without me.
He definitely used to be more interested in sex, but he just seems to be in his own little word on most nights and just wants to go to bed. All of this has made me feel extremely unattractive
He would be lost without you and you feel unattractive because he isn't interested in sex. You may be relying on him too much to prop you up. Marriage works best when we are able to stand our own two feet and don't rely on our spouses to make or break our self-esteem. Marriage is a people-growing machine as David Schnarch says. We have to endure some pain, rejection, and be able to self-soothe without our partners coming to our rescue. This is what allows us to grow up and become adult. I don't know if you're doing this or not, but if you're being repeatedly needy and need your husband to assure you that you're attractive, that is a desire killer. Being kind, being nice, doing things for yourself, and being comfortable in your skin is an aphrodisiac.
Life is difficult at times. People will not behave in the way we want. Lowering your expectations and looking inward on what you might do (instead of what others might do) to increase your quality of life is the answer.
posted by Fairchild at 7:22 AM on September 30, 2014 [2 favorites]
55 hours a week is not sustainable for you in the long run. Maybe at one job that sometimes demands overtime but not going back and forth between two-- that in itself takes additional time. Forgive me if I missed any reference to this being a temporary situation. If it's not, I think things are going to keep going downhill. Not only do you not have time to work out, but your sleep is probably too jacked up for any workout plan or diet to be really effective. You may not be able to quit job 2 immediately but I think you should sit down with your husband and figure out a time frame for when you can. Once you have the idea that you'll be leaving at some point, you may feel better.
posted by BibiRose at 7:32 AM on September 30, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by BibiRose at 7:32 AM on September 30, 2014 [3 favorites]
What you're saying is your life is perfectly OK *except* for how you're socially (and geographically) isolated and working too many hours at a job you kind of hate and you have a sort of sexual mismatch issue with your husband (who is kind of your sole source of support). Those are real problems! Big problems! It's totally normal to feel unhappy about that kind of stuff!
Long-term, are you going to be happy living this life? These jobs, in this place, with this husband? If not, what's changeable? A lot of people are looking at the jobs because that seems like the easiest and most obvious change you can make. It's probably a good place to start.
Even if you can't make any immediate changes I think you'll feel better if you can figure out what's temporary and what your time frame is for extricating yourself.
posted by mskyle at 7:44 AM on September 30, 2014 [17 favorites]
Long-term, are you going to be happy living this life? These jobs, in this place, with this husband? If not, what's changeable? A lot of people are looking at the jobs because that seems like the easiest and most obvious change you can make. It's probably a good place to start.
Even if you can't make any immediate changes I think you'll feel better if you can figure out what's temporary and what your time frame is for extricating yourself.
posted by mskyle at 7:44 AM on September 30, 2014 [17 favorites]
The life you have described does not sound "perfectly ok" so much as exhausting, and no wonder you are miserable. I have spent much of the last few years working and going to school in 50-80 hour weeks. What I learned was that the more I focused on these two things, the less energy and mental space I had for socializing, connecting with my husband, keeping my house clean- basically I had to give up my life to manage this. We actively know that it's like this, so we keep putting a lot of effort into making sure that there is balance. Is his fair share of chores the same as yours, though you are working longer hours? Until a change in your schedule happens, most of your frustration is very unlikely to be alleviated.
posted by Nimmie Amee at 8:01 AM on September 30, 2014
posted by Nimmie Amee at 8:01 AM on September 30, 2014
My first Question to you is about how you've been bringing up these problems with your husband. Have you been mentioning it "in passing" while watching TV, or something? Because he's distracted and not really absorbing what you're saying to him. When you've organized your thoughts, turn off the TV, sit at the kitchen table, and lay it out for him. Talk about everything you've stated here. Yes it is worth mentioning #3 to your husband as well. That might snap him awake a bit that something does indeed need to change. This isn't just a matter of complaining to him, this is going to require that you have already sorted out what you think is necessary to fix it. And to get him to work with you, the Management of Change seminars say that you need to have him participate in the discussion, suggest ways that change can be achieved. Make him understand this isn't "you vs. him", this is "us vs. the problem" and needing to work together and compromise to achieve the best results for both of you. If you're happier, he'll also be happier, that's marriage.
Second Question - why is he no longer interested in having sex? Find out if he's jacking off during the day, watching porn. How often is he doing that? I've seen it all too often that if my guy's getting off during the day in his free time, he's either not interested in sex or has a tough time climaxing with me. If this is the case, get him to agree to hold off during the day for a week (to start), and if he's feeling randy, to come to you. This does require you to promise to be game to play though. Even if you're tired. He'd better give back too though, no one-way streets here.
Third Question - if you had more free time, what would you like to do with it, realistically? Are there any stitch-n-bitch groups, or nearby libraries with reading clubs, or churches to go to? Yes I say church, often women are more into church for the community aspect than for the moral compass. If you had free time, would you like to find something to volunteer for, just to be out of the house by yourself for fun?
And yes it will be up to you to make sure the plan of action gets and stays implemented, and to be enthusiastic about the positive changes that are happening. He will need to know this is making you happier, and see it for himself, to keep it up.
posted by lizbunny at 8:20 AM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]
Second Question - why is he no longer interested in having sex? Find out if he's jacking off during the day, watching porn. How often is he doing that? I've seen it all too often that if my guy's getting off during the day in his free time, he's either not interested in sex or has a tough time climaxing with me. If this is the case, get him to agree to hold off during the day for a week (to start), and if he's feeling randy, to come to you. This does require you to promise to be game to play though. Even if you're tired. He'd better give back too though, no one-way streets here.
Third Question - if you had more free time, what would you like to do with it, realistically? Are there any stitch-n-bitch groups, or nearby libraries with reading clubs, or churches to go to? Yes I say church, often women are more into church for the community aspect than for the moral compass. If you had free time, would you like to find something to volunteer for, just to be out of the house by yourself for fun?
And yes it will be up to you to make sure the plan of action gets and stays implemented, and to be enthusiastic about the positive changes that are happening. He will need to know this is making you happier, and see it for himself, to keep it up.
posted by lizbunny at 8:20 AM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]
If you are working two paid jobs and he is only working one, then his fair share of chores would be all the chores, or at least however many that one could do while you are working your second job.
I don't think that 55 hours of paid work a week is unsustainable. But it's only sustainable if you are able to relax and recharge after work. And whether you can depends on what you still need to do when you get home.
Maybe you can convince your husband to do more chores if you quantified things: count the hours of waking leisure time that you enjoy versus the hours of waking leisure time that he enjoys. (I'm not suggesting that you keep a daily punch clock of chores for the rest of your marriage; this is a one-time diagnostic calculation). If he's got appreciably more leisure time, then hopefully he'll see that he's not doing his fair share.
As I see it, arranging a more equitable division of household labor is easier than his finding a second paid job. Finding a new job requires him to identify a job opening, go to an interview, and convince the hiring manager that he's a better fit than the dozens of other people applying for the same job. His doing more chores just requires him to launder more of his own socks and to scrub more of his own toilets to alleviate the misery of the woman he loves.
In regards to exercise, the only exercise I get is riding my bike to the train station in the morning instead of driving to the station parking lot and then riding home in the afternoon. Can you incorporate exercise into your commute? Can you park in the far lot? Take the stairs in your building? 10 minutes of that exercise in the morning and 10 in the evening is a lot better than nothing.
posted by hhc5 at 8:25 AM on September 30, 2014 [6 favorites]
I don't think that 55 hours of paid work a week is unsustainable. But it's only sustainable if you are able to relax and recharge after work. And whether you can depends on what you still need to do when you get home.
Maybe you can convince your husband to do more chores if you quantified things: count the hours of waking leisure time that you enjoy versus the hours of waking leisure time that he enjoys. (I'm not suggesting that you keep a daily punch clock of chores for the rest of your marriage; this is a one-time diagnostic calculation). If he's got appreciably more leisure time, then hopefully he'll see that he's not doing his fair share.
As I see it, arranging a more equitable division of household labor is easier than his finding a second paid job. Finding a new job requires him to identify a job opening, go to an interview, and convince the hiring manager that he's a better fit than the dozens of other people applying for the same job. His doing more chores just requires him to launder more of his own socks and to scrub more of his own toilets to alleviate the misery of the woman he loves.
In regards to exercise, the only exercise I get is riding my bike to the train station in the morning instead of driving to the station parking lot and then riding home in the afternoon. Can you incorporate exercise into your commute? Can you park in the far lot? Take the stairs in your building? 10 minutes of that exercise in the morning and 10 in the evening is a lot better than nothing.
posted by hhc5 at 8:25 AM on September 30, 2014 [6 favorites]
Minor point to the whole problem, but: if you are working 15 hours a week more than him, is he doing 15 hours per week more housework than you? If he did, and you didn't have to deal with thinking about cleaning the bathroom, packing your own lunches, etc., would that give you enough space to be less exhausted?
posted by metasarah at 8:25 AM on September 30, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by metasarah at 8:25 AM on September 30, 2014 [3 favorites]
Have you been to see a doctor for a checkup recently? If not, I'd probably do that first. Tell them that you're having fatigue and weight gain and just feeling tired. They will probably do bloodwork for thyroid, Vitamin D, B12, blood counts, etc.
It could be that you are suffering from one of the many not-uncommon issues that cause fatigue and weight gain, or cause fatigue and thereby lead to weight gain. If that's the case, your life will get a whole lot easier once you treat that issue.
posted by pie ninja at 8:47 AM on September 30, 2014
It could be that you are suffering from one of the many not-uncommon issues that cause fatigue and weight gain, or cause fatigue and thereby lead to weight gain. If that's the case, your life will get a whole lot easier once you treat that issue.
posted by pie ninja at 8:47 AM on September 30, 2014
I think you should start small and try and tackle one problem at a time.
I was in SUCH a similar situation to you when I moved countries to be with my man.
Gosh I was lonely. I loved him and we were having a great time together, but I had no real friends and that really impacted every single aspect of my life in a negative way..
It well and truly sucked, it made me resentful of my boyfriend who had a good social life, I was consumed with thoughts of loneliness and regret at leaving all my wonderful friends at home, it meant I had no-one to talk to about my cruddy work day, I ate too much, I drank too much, I watched too much boring TV and just felt myself slipping into negativity - all because I didn't really have any friends to call my own.
One day, my boyfriend was going out with his buddies and I snapped at him for no reason and he just calmly said to me "honey, I just think you need some friends of your own and you're not going to find them sitting at home every night"
It was a huge wake up call - him verbalizing what I deep down knew to be true. So, I dusted myself off and I got out of my comfort zone and went on Craigslist and joined a Book Club. That was a HUGE kickstarter for me and literally changed my life. something so small made such a huge difference in my life.
Yes - you have other issues to deal with as framed in your question. BUt you can't deal with ALL of those problems at once. I think, you should make a concerted effort to go out and meet people and once you've got a good friend, I promise you, all the other problems will be much easier to tackle. It's not easy finding a good friend in your thirties.... you've got to really put yourself out there but I know you can do it!
posted by JenThePro at 9:22 AM on September 30, 2014 [3 favorites]
I was in SUCH a similar situation to you when I moved countries to be with my man.
Gosh I was lonely. I loved him and we were having a great time together, but I had no real friends and that really impacted every single aspect of my life in a negative way..
It well and truly sucked, it made me resentful of my boyfriend who had a good social life, I was consumed with thoughts of loneliness and regret at leaving all my wonderful friends at home, it meant I had no-one to talk to about my cruddy work day, I ate too much, I drank too much, I watched too much boring TV and just felt myself slipping into negativity - all because I didn't really have any friends to call my own.
One day, my boyfriend was going out with his buddies and I snapped at him for no reason and he just calmly said to me "honey, I just think you need some friends of your own and you're not going to find them sitting at home every night"
It was a huge wake up call - him verbalizing what I deep down knew to be true. So, I dusted myself off and I got out of my comfort zone and went on Craigslist and joined a Book Club. That was a HUGE kickstarter for me and literally changed my life. something so small made such a huge difference in my life.
Yes - you have other issues to deal with as framed in your question. BUt you can't deal with ALL of those problems at once. I think, you should make a concerted effort to go out and meet people and once you've got a good friend, I promise you, all the other problems will be much easier to tackle. It's not easy finding a good friend in your thirties.... you've got to really put yourself out there but I know you can do it!
posted by JenThePro at 9:22 AM on September 30, 2014 [3 favorites]
Stress and resentment are killers. It seems to me that the second job is THE most extremely negative impact in your life.
If you didn't have a second job, would you have time to cook and eat better? Would you have time to exercise? Would you pursue friendships and hobbies and reading and other things that recharge you?
Rather than thinking of this as a money issue, think of it as a health issue. While the actual job may be pleasant and the money may be good, the time it's taking away from other aspects of your life are just not worth it.
You and your husband need to sit down and really talk to each other. Fiddle the budget, sacrifice some things (Cable TV, eating out, sodas from the vending machine) to get more cash where it's needed. Talk about your sex life, talk about your exhaustion and resentment, talk about everything.
You don't have a good marriage if you can't speak openly and honestly about what you're feeling. Your husband may resent that you're a tired, grouchy couch potato because you're working too hard.
So set aside some time to hash out what you both need to do to take some of the burdens off of you.
If you developed a disease that could be cured by giving up cable and restaurant dinners, wouldn't you do that to be healthy?
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:36 AM on September 30, 2014 [4 favorites]
If you didn't have a second job, would you have time to cook and eat better? Would you have time to exercise? Would you pursue friendships and hobbies and reading and other things that recharge you?
Rather than thinking of this as a money issue, think of it as a health issue. While the actual job may be pleasant and the money may be good, the time it's taking away from other aspects of your life are just not worth it.
You and your husband need to sit down and really talk to each other. Fiddle the budget, sacrifice some things (Cable TV, eating out, sodas from the vending machine) to get more cash where it's needed. Talk about your sex life, talk about your exhaustion and resentment, talk about everything.
You don't have a good marriage if you can't speak openly and honestly about what you're feeling. Your husband may resent that you're a tired, grouchy couch potato because you're working too hard.
So set aside some time to hash out what you both need to do to take some of the burdens off of you.
If you developed a disease that could be cured by giving up cable and restaurant dinners, wouldn't you do that to be healthy?
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:36 AM on September 30, 2014 [4 favorites]
Lots of awesome advice above.
On the initiating sex question --
One thing you might try is "initiating" sex in a less active way like just wearing sexy lingerie to bed sometimes. You don't necessarily have to say or do something specific differently or in a way that feels artificially aggressive, but I think it can set a tone of "go for it, I'm not going to turn you down!" :)
posted by rainbowbrite at 10:06 AM on September 30, 2014
On the initiating sex question --
One thing you might try is "initiating" sex in a less active way like just wearing sexy lingerie to bed sometimes. You don't necessarily have to say or do something specific differently or in a way that feels artificially aggressive, but I think it can set a tone of "go for it, I'm not going to turn you down!" :)
posted by rainbowbrite at 10:06 AM on September 30, 2014
I agree with hhc5 and metasarah -- you need to rebalance the work/chores/leisure equation. You're contributing 37% more hours of paid unfulfilling labor to the household than he his (assuming he works 40 hrs/week); he doesn't necessarily need to do all the chores, but his fair share would be significantly more than yours.
Marriage is about pooling resources; you don't keep the extra money you earn at your 2nd job for yourself; why should he get to keep all of the hours of leisure that are available to him from only working one job?
posted by Asparagus at 10:13 AM on September 30, 2014 [3 favorites]
Marriage is about pooling resources; you don't keep the extra money you earn at your 2nd job for yourself; why should he get to keep all of the hours of leisure that are available to him from only working one job?
posted by Asparagus at 10:13 AM on September 30, 2014 [3 favorites]
I don't have particular advice about any of your three main questions, but, damn, you sound really unfulfilled in general. Sex life is blah, you have two jobs you dislike which are physically and emotionally exhausting, limited social life, very little free time to just enjoy yourself (whether socially or whatever). No wonder your brain is funneling itself into inappropriate crushes and the like.
You need to find one area of your life that you actually like. Maybe that's a hobby, or creating a more sustainable work life, or finding some new friends who actually share your interests. But you need the proverbial "room of one's own", stat.
posted by Sara C. at 11:26 AM on September 30, 2014 [2 favorites]
You need to find one area of your life that you actually like. Maybe that's a hobby, or creating a more sustainable work life, or finding some new friends who actually share your interests. But you need the proverbial "room of one's own", stat.
posted by Sara C. at 11:26 AM on September 30, 2014 [2 favorites]
Your husband's lack of interest in sex, and the way he "seems to be in his own little world on most nights and just wants to go to bed" sound like classic hallmarks of clinical depression. When you have your heart-to-heart with him (which will be very difficult, but necessary), you might want to explore this possibility.
posted by LauraJ at 11:56 AM on September 30, 2014
posted by LauraJ at 11:56 AM on September 30, 2014
You need to cultivate new health habits that will give you more energy, and that won't be expensive or take up a lot of time.
First, exercise. Amen to @SinisterPurpose's comment.
Running is cheap. Can you find 5 minutes a day to go for a run? Five minutes, that's all you need (according to the latest research). If you do it first thing in the morning, you won't have to shower twice. Lay out your clothes and running shoes the night before, and set your alarm for 15 minutes earlier.
Secondly, diet. You will lose weight on a ketogenic diet, and the good news is you can easily fit it into your existing schedule. Go read Why We Get Fat by Gary Taubes. Also, the keto weight loss progress pictures on Reddit are inspiring.
Thirdly, start making your bed every morning. It will take you less than 3 minutes, and will help all of these new energy-boosting habits of yours fall onto place.
posted by hush at 1:20 PM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]
First, exercise. Amen to @SinisterPurpose's comment.
Running is cheap. Can you find 5 minutes a day to go for a run? Five minutes, that's all you need (according to the latest research). If you do it first thing in the morning, you won't have to shower twice. Lay out your clothes and running shoes the night before, and set your alarm for 15 minutes earlier.
Secondly, diet. You will lose weight on a ketogenic diet, and the good news is you can easily fit it into your existing schedule. Go read Why We Get Fat by Gary Taubes. Also, the keto weight loss progress pictures on Reddit are inspiring.
Thirdly, start making your bed every morning. It will take you less than 3 minutes, and will help all of these new energy-boosting habits of yours fall onto place.
posted by hush at 1:20 PM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]
I've read your question a few times and I think you need to stop framing this as "everything is fine so I should be happy and something is wrong with me". Things are not fine, as you outline, so your feelings are 100% valid - the resentment, the exhaustion, the despair all demonstrate that your life is not working for you right now.
For starters you aren't getting the romantic attention you need from your husband. He may never be as aggressive as your ideal/fantasy lover but if he's not touching you or being affectionate that is a problem. Would you be more inclined to initiate sex with your husband if he was more physically affectionate? In light of the rest of your question it's obvious why the sex has fallen by the wayside, and I think instead of focusing on sex you and he need to focus on your connection, on daily physical affection first. Some people find it helpful to try NOT to have sex, to let some tension build, but when you're bone-tired that won't happen, so step one is to work on reducing your stress and exhaustion, and I think regular physical affection is step two.
A 55 hour workweek is fine for some, but most people max out around 35-45 hours when they keep logs of what they do all day, and it's hard to maintain a high level of productivity when you push past your optimal level regularly. I agree your husband needs to look for a second job, or you need to quit yours and make some lifestyle changes so that two incomes are enough. Money isn't worth your health, it doesn't sound like you enjoy your time when you're at work or at home right now and that's no way to live.
You need to start with really good self care, the most basic basics. Try to eat as well as you can: lots of veggies, whole grains, and protein. Try to walk for 30 minutes a day, this can be broken up into 5 and 10 minute blocks. Go to bed at the same time each day if you don't already, and figure out a night routine that feels good to you - dinner, walk, maybe a phone call to a family member or friend, bath, book. For stress reduction I would try a yoga dvd, something really gentle and restorative (use those words as search terms). It's amazing what a difference light yoga can make on how you feel, even just one or two stretches, although at first it can feel worse because you become aware of how bad you feel and how much you're aching for some relief. When you're working, try to notice how you're feeling, where you're holding stress, whether you tense up and stay tense all day. Remember to breath, and drink water, and eat while at work. If you can take little breaks that's good, and do whatever makes you feel good. For my office job I take breaks to read articles I find interesting, or I browse art on etsy, or I look at pretty fabrics, although going for a walk and snack break is better, it's at least better than just refreshing my email or facebook.
Marital counselling might be helpful, but I think you could benefit from a life coach. A life coach will help you identify what about your career is leaving you unfulfilled, and how you can work towards change. They can help with other lifestyle changes too - the lack of friends, your health, your stress, your weight loss goals. Once that's clearer you can focus better on improving your relationship with your husband.
posted by lafemma at 5:42 PM on September 30, 2014 [3 favorites]
For starters you aren't getting the romantic attention you need from your husband. He may never be as aggressive as your ideal/fantasy lover but if he's not touching you or being affectionate that is a problem. Would you be more inclined to initiate sex with your husband if he was more physically affectionate? In light of the rest of your question it's obvious why the sex has fallen by the wayside, and I think instead of focusing on sex you and he need to focus on your connection, on daily physical affection first. Some people find it helpful to try NOT to have sex, to let some tension build, but when you're bone-tired that won't happen, so step one is to work on reducing your stress and exhaustion, and I think regular physical affection is step two.
A 55 hour workweek is fine for some, but most people max out around 35-45 hours when they keep logs of what they do all day, and it's hard to maintain a high level of productivity when you push past your optimal level regularly. I agree your husband needs to look for a second job, or you need to quit yours and make some lifestyle changes so that two incomes are enough. Money isn't worth your health, it doesn't sound like you enjoy your time when you're at work or at home right now and that's no way to live.
You need to start with really good self care, the most basic basics. Try to eat as well as you can: lots of veggies, whole grains, and protein. Try to walk for 30 minutes a day, this can be broken up into 5 and 10 minute blocks. Go to bed at the same time each day if you don't already, and figure out a night routine that feels good to you - dinner, walk, maybe a phone call to a family member or friend, bath, book. For stress reduction I would try a yoga dvd, something really gentle and restorative (use those words as search terms). It's amazing what a difference light yoga can make on how you feel, even just one or two stretches, although at first it can feel worse because you become aware of how bad you feel and how much you're aching for some relief. When you're working, try to notice how you're feeling, where you're holding stress, whether you tense up and stay tense all day. Remember to breath, and drink water, and eat while at work. If you can take little breaks that's good, and do whatever makes you feel good. For my office job I take breaks to read articles I find interesting, or I browse art on etsy, or I look at pretty fabrics, although going for a walk and snack break is better, it's at least better than just refreshing my email or facebook.
Marital counselling might be helpful, but I think you could benefit from a life coach. A life coach will help you identify what about your career is leaving you unfulfilled, and how you can work towards change. They can help with other lifestyle changes too - the lack of friends, your health, your stress, your weight loss goals. Once that's clearer you can focus better on improving your relationship with your husband.
posted by lafemma at 5:42 PM on September 30, 2014 [3 favorites]
I think that you're actually just tired and bored, and need something exciting to look forward to. Is there anything exciting that you can anticipate?
posted by discopolo at 7:19 PM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by discopolo at 7:19 PM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]
I can really only address the weight thing but if you're too tired to workout, consider that weight loss really can be almost 100% independent of exercise. If you have no history of disordered eating, count your calories to a low (but healthy!!!!) number suiting your inactivity and stick to it religiously and eat as healthily as possible, and then maybe throw in a workout or two every weekend just for your general health. You can do keto/low carb, paleo, or mostly veg based, or none of these. It really doesn't matter as long as you track what you eat and make sure it is sufficient to lose weight (but again NOT TOO LOW or you will fell 10x more exhausted). I actually lost weight doing this eating kind of terribly, but I felt miserable so do eat healthily whatever you choose.
posted by hejrat at 8:00 PM on September 30, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by hejrat at 8:00 PM on September 30, 2014 [3 favorites]
Seconding the suggestion to carve out a teeeeny bit of time for yourself in the morning to start loving yourself (and no that's not a euphemism for masturbation. ^_^). I enjoy reading Zen Habits because one of his recommendations for beginning new habits has really worked for me. Start small. Start so small that it isn't scary. I have a 10-minute yoga session every morning. Sometimes I load up Youtube and google "10 min yoga" or "morning yoga" or "digestion yoga" or whatever catches my fancy. Sometimes I just find any clear space on the floor and just lie down for 5 minutes and breath, and then do some cat-cow poses to wake up my body. But having 10 minutes in the morning where I say hello to myself and my body has been a great way to start the day. And even if I'm exhausted and grumpy, I think to myself "I can do 10 minutes. I can just lie down for 10 minutes if that's all I can handle today. But I deserve to take these 10 minutes for myself."
posted by spamandkimchi at 1:09 AM on October 1, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by spamandkimchi at 1:09 AM on October 1, 2014 [2 favorites]
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I would re-visit the idea of him getting a second job that would let you cut down on your hours (hey, he said he'd do anything for you, right?) and tell him about this (well, not the work crush part) - that you are on the verge of burning out because you are exhausted, and you need to find a way to cut down on your hours.
Also, who does the bulk of the housework? If it's you, and your husband isn't amenable to getting a second job, then get him to start doing more housework - because if you're still doing most of the housework, then effectively you have THREE jobs right now and one of them is unpaid.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:28 AM on September 30, 2014 [4 favorites]