How to prepare a kid for a funeral?

September 29, 2014 2:41 PM

Having not dealt with close family death often, i'm a little concerned about how to prepare my 12 yo daughter for the service etc. Thoughts?

- My sister's fil passed away - very old, dementia, it was Time.
- The service is Friday
- likely scenario: roman catholic funeral mass, memorial, burial, wake
- My 12 yo daughter will be attending with me.

especially, do I need to say anything about interacting with her same-aged cousins whose grandfather this is, and who they were very close with?

posted by j_curiouser to Human Relations (28 answers total)

How well did she know the deceased? Does she even need to go?
posted by radioamy at 2:42 PM on September 29, 2014 [1 favorite]

I was about that age for my grandma's funeral, my first. She had dementia as well, so I barely knew her, though I had some nice memories from when I was much younger.

To be honest, it was not a very emotional experience for me. I knew my mom and her siblings were upset, of course, but mostly I was 1. curious about how funerals worked since I'd never been to one and 2. a bit bored, but old enough and sensible enough not to express this.

I think 12 is old enough that you don't need to worry much, unless your daughter is either unusually sensitive, or unusually insensitive and in danger of accidentally causing offense.
posted by showbiz_liz at 2:46 PM on September 29, 2014 [9 favorites]

(If you do bring her) I went to a wake for my grandpa when I was a little older than her. I think the hardest thing for a kid at a Catholic Wake is actually seeing the body (hell, I think it is hard for the adults).

My Dad prepared me for that in advance (told me the body would be there), told me that my grandfather actually looked better than he had when alive (that was true), and told me that I didn't need to go up or near the body if I didn't want to. I chose to stay away from the body (and I still do that at wajes an adult).

So I think that's something you'll need to prepare her for and talk about prior to going to the wake.
posted by bananafish at 2:47 PM on September 29, 2014 [4 favorites]

Does she want to go? If this man was someone who meant something to her and his loss will be felt by her then maybe she should. If not, then it's probably best that she stay home. While people commonly provide support to the families of the deceased even when they don't know the deceased themselves, I think a 12 year old should reasonably be excused from this duty.

If she does go, I would leave it up to her whether she approaches the body. If she's not familiar with Catholic masses more generally, you should tell her a little about masses and when she would be expected to join in, when to stand respectfully and when to not participate. I'm not sure I understand about the separate funeral mass and memorial, these are typically the same thing. People speak at the mass, if they so choose.

I would not take her to the burial. This is typically only close family, anyway.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 2:49 PM on September 29, 2014

I think she's at an age where it's fine to go. She's better able to understand some of the more complicated issues surrounding death. Remind her that rituals are for the living and that people respond differently to death. I think that the only part that could be disturbing is if it's open casket. Just let her know that she doesn't have to go look if she doesn't want to.
posted by quince at 2:50 PM on September 29, 2014

Twelve is old enough to handle this with probably about the same preparation as as adult would need. Just talk to her a little beforehand about being respectful and not saying anything to diminish her cousins' loss (e.g., no "Oh, well, it was his time" kind of thing), and she'll be fine.

She's definitely old enough to handle this, and even if she's very sensitive, maybe it's better if her first experience with death rituals is someone she wasn't all that close to.
posted by ernielundquist at 2:52 PM on September 29, 2014 [3 favorites]

I was raised Catholic and had been to several funerals by the time I was a teenager already. Just talk to your daughter, and see if she has any questions or concerns about going to the funeral. Unless she's freaked out about it, she should go. Death seems harder to deal with for an unexperienced adult than a kid.
posted by lizbunny at 2:53 PM on September 29, 2014 [2 favorites]

Also, if there is a visitation and the priest attends, the priest will likely lead a rosary (usually just one round, not the whole thing, mercifully). This is boring even if you ARE catholic. A non-Catholic wouldn't be expected to participate, but the family likely would and so everyone else just has to stand around and be quiet.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 2:53 PM on September 29, 2014

There are a variety of things that she may be uncomfortable with - one is about death and dying and mortality in general; another is about the family member in particular, and personal feelings; another anxiety might be interacting with family she doesn't know well, and not knowing what to say to those cousins; another is about going to a big formal occasion that she's never been to before (especially if big Roman Catholic services in general are foreign, but even if she's used to mass, make sure she knows what will happen in a funeral mass). Some of these are easier to prepare for than others. The things that are worrying her may not be the things you'd expect, so have a talk in which you bring up various things that are going on, and see what her personal hot buttons seem to be.
posted by aimedwander at 2:56 PM on September 29, 2014

Response by poster: I haven't spoken to her at all yet - this *just* happened. i *think* she would want to be available for her cousins, who she is close to.
posted by j_curiouser at 2:56 PM on September 29, 2014

Twelve is fine, just prepare her for a long boring service.

And I think the best thing to teach anyone about being a friend to someone grieving is to tell them you're sorry for their loss and then take their lead on how to act. Make sure she knows that grieving people aren't necessarily crying all the time and rolling around on the ground; they also laugh and joke and go to school and then sometimes are sad all at the same time, and that we don't judge people about their grief not being "good enough" or tell them how to feel. Just pay attention to what mood they are in and match it respectfully.
posted by Lyn Never at 3:03 PM on September 29, 2014 [5 favorites]

Maybe your child is closer to her cousins than I was, but in my family norms, children only attend funerals for relatives much closer than an aunt's parent. I don't know what the value would be for her to attend unless she wants to. And heck, in my family norms, attending a sister-in-law's parent's funeral wouldn't be the norm unless I was especially close with her/the parent. In my family, the norm would be to send flowers.

If your sister-in-law specifically asks you to bring her to be with her cousins, that'd be one thing, but otherwise, in my opinion, she can be available for her cousins in ways that don't involve her attending the funeral.

I'd say "Maggie and Stephen's grandpa died. They're probably pretty sad about it, but he was very old and not in good health and so even though they're sad and mad, I think that we can all agree that he is in a better place [insert your faith or no faith beliefs about what happens after people die]. I'm going to be going to the funeral, wake, etc. etc. etc. and if you want to go, you are welcome to."
posted by k8t at 3:06 PM on September 29, 2014 [2 favorites]

I went to a funeral when I was in high school for a great uncle I didn't know. Seeing a dead person lying in an open casket and his wife sobbing in front of it made me deeply uncomfortable and sort of nauseous. It was also odd seeing everyone around me grieving and I felt nothing because I didn't know most of the people there. Very out of place. So... it was awful and I haven't attended any service with an open casket since. (I am fortunate that I haven't been in a position where I've really had to, though.) But death scares me a lot generally. I went to my grandma's funeral with an open casket when I was younger, maybe 10, and didn't think anything of it, likely because I didn't really understand it and didn't necessarily grasp the concept of death.

Whether it's appropriate or not, or how exactly to prepare her, I'm not sure. But I'd see how she feels about going and not force her if she is against it.
posted by AppleTurnover at 3:21 PM on September 29, 2014

I think this is a good situation for her to experience her first funeral, actually. My second funeral was this same situation (12 or so, an uncle's mother) and it was sad, but she was a distant enough relative that it wasn't devastating to me. It was helpful to me to have the experience of what goes on at a funeral without the concurrent serious personal loss. It was also nice to be there for the group meal and to witness the fond memory sharing that happens after the service.

I also think a 12 year old is different than a 5 year old as far as how welcome "children" are at an event. She is not going to misbehave or cause a scene like a bored toddler might. She will understand it is a solemn occasion.
posted by soelo at 3:22 PM on September 29, 2014 [13 favorites]

I see all this advice about not bringing her, but I think you should. Understanding the rituals and mechanics of a funeral is a lot easier to do when you're not particularly attached to be deceased. I was brought to funerals and shivas from the time I was little. By the time I cared about the deceased, the ritual and ceremony was comforting, or at least not weird.
posted by atomicstone at 3:26 PM on September 29, 2014 [11 favorites]

Personally I think it is a great first experience. She's plenty old enough and the deceased was very old and ill. She'll see how the services go and it will prepare her a bit when someone closer to her dies - not knowing what to do can be really overwhelming.

When people die when they are young or it's sudden the emotions at the services can be pretty intense and scary. Especially when emotional young people are grieving. (My first service had lots of wailing and throwing themselves on caskets, etc due to youth and tragedy) I think her seeing how the adults handle this will be good for her.

I guess this is the right time show her how to do the receiving line at the wake and what to say. I was about her age when we were taken to a field trip to a funeral home (I know!). I was very curious about death (really the preparation of the body) and had a thousand questions for the director. She might be curious, too, so be prepared for those questions.
posted by beccaj at 3:37 PM on September 29, 2014

I attended my first memorial service at age 23 and my first funeral-with-wake at 25 so from that perspective, I say good on you for thinking of taking her to one earlier. I kind of wish I'd had the experience earlier so that as an adult expected to respond more "appropriately" (for the given context), I'd have felt more comfortable.

I think the biggest thing is to prepare her for how differently peoples' grief can manifest itself. It can be crying and sobbing and throwing oneself on the floor, or quiet stoicism, or gallows humor, or anything in between. And while my personal reaction tends toward gallows humor with a bit of quiet stoicism, one thing I very quickly (and very awkwardly) figured out the first time I went to a service to support the living, rather than because of my relationship with the deceased, is that my personal way of dealing with grief and sadness means fuck-all to those more directly affected by it, and it is on me as someone there to support the loved ones of the deceased to figure out how they are reacting and respond accordingly to THAT. That's not to say your daughter needs to be prepared to sob maniacally if her cousins are, but she also probably shouldn't be trying to make them feel better with light humor if they are having that kind of reaction. I think dealing with cousins she's close to, and a similar age as, will help her start to figure out how to navigate this grief dynamic in a less socially loaded way than if she did this as an adult, so again, I think it's good for you to offer to take her (if she wants to).

One other thing I might warn her about: if at the wake there is an open casket and she does choose to see the body, while many people lean over to kiss the cheek of the deceased or stroke a hand or whatever, make sure she (1) does not feel obligated to do that and (2) understands that a dead body does not feel like a live body. Warning her about (2) can help her choose whether or not she physically interacts with the body, and if she does choose to, will help her manage her reaction the first time she feels a dead body (this was a shock for me at my grandmother's funeral, so again, speaking from experience as an adult feeling woefully underprepared for something I feel like I should have been able to manage more properly).

I think the best thing I've ever heard about funerals is that "They're for the living, not the dead." I've always found that good guidance for how and where I direct my emotional energies when I attend one.
posted by olinerd at 3:41 PM on September 29, 2014

You know what you should do? See if you can visit the funeral home and/or the church ahead of time. Get a walkthrough. "This is the room where the service will be held. The casket will be here, and the people will sit here. You'll see things like X, Y and Z."

My first funeral was age 15, and it wigged me the fuck out to see people touching and kissing the body. I'm sure it made them feel better, so more power to them. But if only someone had told me to expect seeing that...
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 4:15 PM on September 29, 2014

When I was 12, funeral services happened, and it was the death of the relative that affected me, not the service. I suspect your kid won't need any special prep, but if you want to say something beforehand, let them know what the service is about, and then listen for their questions.
posted by zippy at 4:21 PM on September 29, 2014

I agree she should go unless she doesn't want to. One more thing to tell her is that she might be surprised by her own emotions. She might feel nothing, or she might find herself sobbing, and that either is fine. She might even get the giggles, but at that point she should leave the room (but that's also a fairly common reaction).
posted by kjs4 at 4:43 PM on September 29, 2014 [1 favorite]

I went to my grandfather's funeral (he died of Alzheimer's) when I was 12. I would only discuss with her if there are any specific rituals that attendees are expected to know and follow at a Roman Catholic funeral - I wasn't brought up in any religion, and going into Catholic churches where they do a lot of ritual things (audience response during services, people crossing themselves when they enter) always made me feel like an awkward and confused outsider.

The funeral itself was sad, but mainly because I saw how sad my mother was that her father had died. I still remember so clearly her speech for him, even though it was over 20 years ago now. It was a touching speech about childhood moments with him that she had never spoken about with me. I'm so glad I was there. Only part that had distressed me was that I did not know my grandfather was cremated, and that when we drove to the cemetery for his burial, my parents pulled the box with his remains out from under the seat in the car that I had been sitting in (I'm assuming this is NOT the way things would go down at a Roman Catholic funeral, but if there might be any surprises along these lines about how the casket/body is handled or whatnot, good to know about it ahead of time). I'm sure at the time, my parents had other things on their minds than explaining what was happening to me.

It is interesting how different our society is now than it was in years past, when children would have likely had to attend multiple funerals for family and probably siblings before the age of 12. I don't think 12 year olds should be left home from a funeral.... we are already getting a little bit bizarrely distanced from death as a culture, in terms of pretending that we can fight/cheat death or pretend it doesn't happen to people, and feeling uncomfortable ever talking about it/dealing with it and our feelings and wishes surrounding the end of life, and I don't think that's necessarily a good thing in a lot of ways - it seems to make sense to introduce this to children as one of the important stages/rituals of our lives, even though it is not pleasant or comfortable, it is reality.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 4:51 PM on September 29, 2014 [3 favorites]

When I was around that age a close friend of the family died.

I went to a viewing hours type thing with my immediate family, but felt overwrought at the thought of going to the service.

I ended up "housesitting" for the deceased's family during the service. I was told that there was a risk of having a burglary at an unoccupied home during the funeral, and that it would be a very good thing to have someone at the house. As an adult I realize this was probably something created for me to feel I could do something useful to help, but at the time it was very comforting to have something "important" for the family to do instead of attending the service.
posted by yohko at 6:14 PM on September 29, 2014

I think it would be good for her to see her cousins and make this event more about her being with them, and focusing on them, than about the body.

Catholic funeral services can be strenuous for anybody. If you're not believers, you should tell her it's perfectly OK to stand and sit when everyone else does, to be polite, but that it's acceptable to sit when other people kneel. Polite silence is always acceptable when religious activities are being carried out in which you don't participate.
posted by zadcat at 7:20 PM on September 29, 2014

Let her know what she could say to her cousins is "I'm so sorry about your grandfather" and to her aunt and uncle "I'm sorry for your loss." Tell her she doesn't need to approach the casket if she doesn't want to.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 7:22 PM on September 29, 2014 [2 favorites]

My son was 7 when my Dad died. I was pretty worried how he would take it. They were very close. Really it was harder for me than for him. Be honest and open with your emotions. Answer her questions honestly and ask her what she thinks. Tell her what the deceased believed and what you believe. Let her know it is good, natural, and healing to be sad. And if she's not all that sad, that's okay to.
posted by trbrts at 8:03 PM on September 29, 2014

Many funeral homes have a room for family with restrooms and light snacks and beverages that may also have a tv.

When my cousins and I had done our duty at my grandfather's wake, many of us jettisoned to that room to hang and recoup (and to watch the Red Sox like my grandfather would have wanted). I suggest you let your daughter know after she's paid her respects, she can hang out there if she wants -- and I bet her cousins will too for at least some of it.
posted by zizzle at 6:14 AM on September 30, 2014

Something that I was unprepared for when I was her age and that shocked me was seeing people at the funeral home ( and then at the reception after the service) was the laughing and smiling! My mind had only imagined horribly grief stricken people crying and sobbing. I didn't realize that many people would be seeing relatives and friends they hadn't seen in years. And that people would be remembering fun times and reliving memories.

At first I thought people were being rude and disrespectful until my mom explained all this to me. And I saw funerals in a very different way after that. Obviously the situation makes a big difference (an older, ill person vs the unexpected death of a child) in the atmosphere and should be considered when taking a young person to a funeral.

I also agree that this situation for a first funeral is appropriate in that it is not someone close. I think it will be easier to handle and be preparation for later times that will be difficult.
posted by maxg94 at 6:46 AM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

I knew someone in college who had never been to a funeral, it the idea shocked me. I had been to my grandfathers' funerals when I was 5 and 9, and others in between, but she came from a small family of healthy people, and so.

For your daughter, the above advice about speaking to her about the presence of the body, and not discounting others' grief are good. If you're not practicing Catholics, that may require some preparation, too.

Be prepared for the kids to go off apart and, you know, be kids: talking and whispering and giggling a bit. Yes, it's a solemn occasion, but they're still kids. And if they are having trouble processing, they may appreciate a reason to push it off for a while.

Also, kids are empathetic and so she might be worried about your grief -- so consider talking to her about that (in case, e.g., you are not being visibly sad).
posted by wenestvedt at 10:05 AM on September 30, 2014