Uninviting people to Thanksgiving
September 29, 2014 9:32 AM Subscribe
My mother has been hosting a huge Thanksgiving for years now, and it's time to make a change. Only problem is, I'm not sure how to deliver the news to the people she's uninviting.
For many years now, my mother has hosted Thanksgiving at her house. We don't have a huge family, but we have some very close family friends, Kate and Bob, who are basically the same as family, and they've always been present. The friendship between our two families goes way back to the 1950s (before I was born). Like most families, Kate and Bob's family has grown a lot over the years; they had two children who each got married and had two children; those children are now mostly in college and have significant others of their own (though no marriages yet). In fact, their family is now far bigger than ours, since there's been a divorce that's not brought a new SO and his children from a prior marriage into our Thanksgiving celebrations. As a result, Kate and Bob's family is now just about twice the size of our own.
My mother is now in her early 70s. My father is in his early 80s and has Alzheimer's Disease and he lives at home with a caretaker. Last Thanksgiving, my mother hosted 20-some people at her house for Thanksgiving, and of course it was exhausting for her.
My own opinion is that it's time for Kate and Bob's family to split off and do their own Thanksgiving now, as their family is far too large to be hosted by someone else. Just this past Rosh Hashanah, my mother hosted a small dinner (nine people total plus an infant) and she was wiped out afterwards; she called me the next day and said she could barely get out of bed and walk, and she had terrible pains in her legs. She's also having cataract surgery soon before Thanksgiving.
Given all the circumstances, I think it's all kinds of wrong for her to host a dinner for 21 or so, the vast majority of which is Kate and Bob's family. (Indeed, last Thanksgiving, one of them made a joke like, "Hey, holborne's mom, thanks for hosting dinner for the Kate and Bob family!" Ha ha, real funny.) To me, when you invite people for Thanksgiving, you don't invite an entire large family; a large family is self-contained and they should do their own Thanksgiving. To make matters worse, one of Kate and Bob's daughters has an annoying SO who behaves in an intrusive manner in my mother's home, and this same daughter is a drag to have around as she doesn't ever lift a finger to do help with the dinner in any way. (Last Thanksgiving, annoying SO brought his kids with him, and one of the kids decided it was cool to have a friend tag along too.).
Now, my mother is down with not having Kate and Bob's family this year, but is afraid to call Kate to tell her. She says stuff like, "Oh, I can probably manage if Kate helps" (uh-huh) or "Oh, but Kate and Bob will be so disappointed" (probably true, but I actually think it's ok to disappoint people sometimes -- they're grown-ass adults and they'll deal). So I volunteered to call Kate and tell her myself, which I have no problem with.
So the question is: what's the kindest thing to say to deliver the news without actually threatening the friendship and without causing a ton of bad feelings? Kate and Bob have been very good and very close family friends over the years, and I'm not happy about disappointing them, but I'm very firm in my belief that, given the circumstances, this tradition needs to come to a close now. Obviously, I don't want to say something like, "Yeah, your family has gotten to be kind of a pain in the ass," but I also don't want to leave a lot of room for negotiation, since I suspect Kate will respond with, "Oh, no, it'll be fine, I'll come early and help cook" blahdeeblahdeeblah.
For many years now, my mother has hosted Thanksgiving at her house. We don't have a huge family, but we have some very close family friends, Kate and Bob, who are basically the same as family, and they've always been present. The friendship between our two families goes way back to the 1950s (before I was born). Like most families, Kate and Bob's family has grown a lot over the years; they had two children who each got married and had two children; those children are now mostly in college and have significant others of their own (though no marriages yet). In fact, their family is now far bigger than ours, since there's been a divorce that's not brought a new SO and his children from a prior marriage into our Thanksgiving celebrations. As a result, Kate and Bob's family is now just about twice the size of our own.
My mother is now in her early 70s. My father is in his early 80s and has Alzheimer's Disease and he lives at home with a caretaker. Last Thanksgiving, my mother hosted 20-some people at her house for Thanksgiving, and of course it was exhausting for her.
My own opinion is that it's time for Kate and Bob's family to split off and do their own Thanksgiving now, as their family is far too large to be hosted by someone else. Just this past Rosh Hashanah, my mother hosted a small dinner (nine people total plus an infant) and she was wiped out afterwards; she called me the next day and said she could barely get out of bed and walk, and she had terrible pains in her legs. She's also having cataract surgery soon before Thanksgiving.
Given all the circumstances, I think it's all kinds of wrong for her to host a dinner for 21 or so, the vast majority of which is Kate and Bob's family. (Indeed, last Thanksgiving, one of them made a joke like, "Hey, holborne's mom, thanks for hosting dinner for the Kate and Bob family!" Ha ha, real funny.) To me, when you invite people for Thanksgiving, you don't invite an entire large family; a large family is self-contained and they should do their own Thanksgiving. To make matters worse, one of Kate and Bob's daughters has an annoying SO who behaves in an intrusive manner in my mother's home, and this same daughter is a drag to have around as she doesn't ever lift a finger to do help with the dinner in any way. (Last Thanksgiving, annoying SO brought his kids with him, and one of the kids decided it was cool to have a friend tag along too.).
Now, my mother is down with not having Kate and Bob's family this year, but is afraid to call Kate to tell her. She says stuff like, "Oh, I can probably manage if Kate helps" (uh-huh) or "Oh, but Kate and Bob will be so disappointed" (probably true, but I actually think it's ok to disappoint people sometimes -- they're grown-ass adults and they'll deal). So I volunteered to call Kate and tell her myself, which I have no problem with.
So the question is: what's the kindest thing to say to deliver the news without actually threatening the friendship and without causing a ton of bad feelings? Kate and Bob have been very good and very close family friends over the years, and I'm not happy about disappointing them, but I'm very firm in my belief that, given the circumstances, this tradition needs to come to a close now. Obviously, I don't want to say something like, "Yeah, your family has gotten to be kind of a pain in the ass," but I also don't want to leave a lot of room for negotiation, since I suspect Kate will respond with, "Oh, no, it'll be fine, I'll come early and help cook" blahdeeblahdeeblah.
Maybe something like:
"Kate and Bob, we love seeing you around the holidays every year. But as my parents are getting up there in years, we've decided to have a smaller, more intimate Thanksgiving dinner this year - just our closest family members - so we can really talk to one another and enjoy each other's company in a quieter setting. I hope you and your family have a great day, and I know my mom will miss you this year."
posted by schroedingersgirl at 9:36 AM on September 29, 2014 [16 favorites]
"Kate and Bob, we love seeing you around the holidays every year. But as my parents are getting up there in years, we've decided to have a smaller, more intimate Thanksgiving dinner this year - just our closest family members - so we can really talk to one another and enjoy each other's company in a quieter setting. I hope you and your family have a great day, and I know my mom will miss you this year."
posted by schroedingersgirl at 9:36 AM on September 29, 2014 [16 favorites]
Your mother should not host a Thanksgsving dinner this year. Call Kate and Bob and say "After that Rosh Hashana dinner, it's pretty clear that I'm getting to old for this. I think last year was my last Thanksgiving dinner. I'm glad we spent so many happy years celebrating together."
Maybe Kate and Bob will offer to host a dinner. If not, your mother and the rest of your family should spend Thanksgiving at the home of one of her children who will host (maybe you). After a year or two of this the expectation of your mom hosting will pass. They will have a new tradition, and if you really want you or one of your siblings can host a Thanksgiving dinner, for your family only, at your mothers house (i.e. frame it as "it's at her house because it's convenient/big/whatever, but it's not your mom hosting).
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 9:37 AM on September 29, 2014 [76 favorites]
Maybe Kate and Bob will offer to host a dinner. If not, your mother and the rest of your family should spend Thanksgiving at the home of one of her children who will host (maybe you). After a year or two of this the expectation of your mom hosting will pass. They will have a new tradition, and if you really want you or one of your siblings can host a Thanksgiving dinner, for your family only, at your mothers house (i.e. frame it as "it's at her house because it's convenient/big/whatever, but it's not your mom hosting).
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 9:37 AM on September 29, 2014 [76 favorites]
Seems a like a sugar-coated version of the truth would work well. Tell Kate & Bob about the difficulties your mom faced in the aftermath of the most-recent (small) Rosh Hashanah dinner. If Kate & Bob are reasonable people, they will understand. If they're not reasonable people, well... there's not much you can do about it, I guess.
You have to be firm. Rehearse the conversation before-hand and come up with answers to possible objections that Kate might use.
posted by alex1965 at 9:38 AM on September 29, 2014 [5 favorites]
You have to be firm. Rehearse the conversation before-hand and come up with answers to possible objections that Kate might use.
posted by alex1965 at 9:38 AM on September 29, 2014 [5 favorites]
I think if you call them and have a friendly chat, they'll inevitably ask how your mom is doing. If you answer, frankly and honestly, that she's becoming tired more easily, is having a harder time handling physical tasks, needs more rest/downtime, and then segue into "and by the way, we've been talking it over and we don't think she can handle hosting Thanksgiving this year like she's done for years" - I can't imagine them being offended.
posted by Juliet Banana at 9:40 AM on September 29, 2014 [29 favorites]
posted by Juliet Banana at 9:40 AM on September 29, 2014 [29 favorites]
"Hey, guys, wanted to let you know Mom's not hosting Thanksgiving this year. She's otherwise fine, but just not feeling up to it. Thought you should know early so you can make other plans. So, how are things?"
"So you can make other plans" is kind of the key. If asked, the plans for your family aren't firm yet.
posted by sageleaf at 9:45 AM on September 29, 2014 [102 favorites]
"So you can make other plans" is kind of the key. If asked, the plans for your family aren't firm yet.
posted by sageleaf at 9:45 AM on September 29, 2014 [102 favorites]
How about someone _other_ than your Mom hosting Thanksgiving? She could be a guest instead of a host. Maybe Kate & Bob could host, or maybe you could host and just invite whomever you want. Mom could come over early and supervise the pies or something.
In any case, maybe there could be some kind of event where your Mom and family do get to see Bob & Kate and/or any of their various offspring, so that the connection between the two families is maintained. Friends are pure gold as one grows older (not least because maybe, sometimes, they could have you over and do a little of the prep work).
posted by amtho at 9:46 AM on September 29, 2014 [8 favorites]
In any case, maybe there could be some kind of event where your Mom and family do get to see Bob & Kate and/or any of their various offspring, so that the connection between the two families is maintained. Friends are pure gold as one grows older (not least because maybe, sometimes, they could have you over and do a little of the prep work).
posted by amtho at 9:46 AM on September 29, 2014 [8 favorites]
I'd do this for my mom.
I'd call Kate and Bob, or your contemporaries. "I wanted to give you a heads up on Thanksgiving this year. Mom and Dad aren't going to host it. With Dad's health and Mom getting up there in years it's not feasible anymore."
Now I might invite them to stop by for pumpkin pie and christmas cookies on Friday afternoon, or something like that, but it's time to recognize that it's the end of an era.
Honestly, with one member of the couple ill and the other getting too old for this nonsense, I'm sure they're wondering why it wasn't ended years ago.
If they still complain, they're not friends.
I do recommend going out for Thanksgiving. It's SO great!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:47 AM on September 29, 2014 [22 favorites]
I'd call Kate and Bob, or your contemporaries. "I wanted to give you a heads up on Thanksgiving this year. Mom and Dad aren't going to host it. With Dad's health and Mom getting up there in years it's not feasible anymore."
Now I might invite them to stop by for pumpkin pie and christmas cookies on Friday afternoon, or something like that, but it's time to recognize that it's the end of an era.
Honestly, with one member of the couple ill and the other getting too old for this nonsense, I'm sure they're wondering why it wasn't ended years ago.
If they still complain, they're not friends.
I do recommend going out for Thanksgiving. It's SO great!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:47 AM on September 29, 2014 [22 favorites]
Yes, you can tell them the truth: Mom isn't up for it, and she really wants to do it, but it's just too much for you and for her this year. If they push, my favorite response ever from Ms. Manners will do the trick: "I'm so sorry, but I'm afraid that won't be possible."
Another thing you can do is offer to meet them out somewhere for a pre-Thanksgiving slice of pie and coffee, the weekend before the big day. Do it at a restaurant, so you and/or Mom don't have to host.
posted by sockermom at 9:49 AM on September 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
Another thing you can do is offer to meet them out somewhere for a pre-Thanksgiving slice of pie and coffee, the weekend before the big day. Do it at a restaurant, so you and/or Mom don't have to host.
posted by sockermom at 9:49 AM on September 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
"I'm calling to let you know that mom will not be able to host Thanksgiving dinner this year. Mom is having surgery just a few days before and will not be up for visitors or hub-bub. I know you're disappointed, we are too. Last year was so wonderful, and we value your friendship, but in all honesty last year was almost certainly the last year of a big Thanksgiving. Let's set up a time when just you and Bob can over to visit with mom and just relax and chat. Thought you should know early so you can make other plans. Thanks for understanding."
Maybe you'll luck out and they'll offer to host.
posted by anastasiav at 9:50 AM on September 29, 2014 [7 favorites]
Maybe you'll luck out and they'll offer to host.
posted by anastasiav at 9:50 AM on September 29, 2014 [7 favorites]
This calls for a bit of polite its-not-you-its-me-ing. Just call them up and say that with your dad's declining health and your mom going in for surgery shortly beforehand, she's not going to be able to host Thanksgiving. If you want to be especially smooth, make yourself the bad guy -- tell them after seeing how wiped out she was hosting Rosh Hoshannah, you put your foot down and said you wouldn't let her do thanksgiving because you want to make sure she's resting and recovering properly and she'd run herself ragged if you let her.
If you're open to seeing these people as long as your mom's not hosting, then you could leave it there and see what Kate and Bob say --- they may offer to host themselves. If you really want to make a clean break, in addition to the above tell them that you and your sibs are taking your parents out to a nice restaurant for thanksgiving so that there's no stress for them.
posted by Diablevert at 9:52 AM on September 29, 2014 [12 favorites]
If you're open to seeing these people as long as your mom's not hosting, then you could leave it there and see what Kate and Bob say --- they may offer to host themselves. If you really want to make a clean break, in addition to the above tell them that you and your sibs are taking your parents out to a nice restaurant for thanksgiving so that there's no stress for them.
posted by Diablevert at 9:52 AM on September 29, 2014 [12 favorites]
I think the easiest way to do this is someone else hosting Thanksgiving for your family, as noted above. That way you get:
"Hey, Kate. Mom asked me to let you know that she and Dad will be joining us at the $Foo household for a small Thanksgiving this year. I know she'll miss hosting all of you, but with her cataract surgery in November, it's just not possible for her to host these huge family events anymore."
The nice thing about this is that it cuts off the "But I'm sure your mom can host if I come and help!" crap. And if she tries to invite her whole family to the new Thanksgiving -- "Sorry, but the $Foo household isn't big enough for the Kate&Bob Family."
Also, if nobody else in your family wants to host just your family, I second the idea of going out to dinner.
posted by pie ninja at 9:53 AM on September 29, 2014 [5 favorites]
"Hey, Kate. Mom asked me to let you know that she and Dad will be joining us at the $Foo household for a small Thanksgiving this year. I know she'll miss hosting all of you, but with her cataract surgery in November, it's just not possible for her to host these huge family events anymore."
The nice thing about this is that it cuts off the "But I'm sure your mom can host if I come and help!" crap. And if she tries to invite her whole family to the new Thanksgiving -- "Sorry, but the $Foo household isn't big enough for the Kate&Bob Family."
Also, if nobody else in your family wants to host just your family, I second the idea of going out to dinner.
posted by pie ninja at 9:53 AM on September 29, 2014 [5 favorites]
I totally second/ third/fourth going out for Thanksgiving. The only thing is making sure all the grown ups know who they're paying for in advance. We generally picked a place with a set menu, and each unit was responsible for their family bill.
And yes, this is totally reasonable.
posted by spunweb at 9:53 AM on September 29, 2014
And yes, this is totally reasonable.
posted by spunweb at 9:53 AM on September 29, 2014
Any way you could have Thanksgiving somewhere else entirely this year? It may be a little bittersweet to have the holiday at your parent's house, whereas having it at a new place with just your family rewrites the old stuff with A New Tradition. Depending on the location you could invite the other family or use the same scripts above.
Another option is having people over for dessert. I have a giant complicated family and there are always folks who pop by for dessert, and others who leave after the main meal. It would give Kate and Bob's family a chance to make their own traditions.
posted by tchemgrrl at 9:54 AM on September 29, 2014
Another option is having people over for dessert. I have a giant complicated family and there are always folks who pop by for dessert, and others who leave after the main meal. It would give Kate and Bob's family a chance to make their own traditions.
posted by tchemgrrl at 9:54 AM on September 29, 2014
Oh and some other f my friends do a leftovers party, where they go to each other's house after the big day and basically have a big leftovers pot luck in their pajamas. Maybe that could be a new low pressure family tradition?
posted by spunweb at 9:56 AM on September 29, 2014
posted by spunweb at 9:56 AM on September 29, 2014
I'd just caution you against leaving it ambiguous as to whether it's just one year's departure - this is the new status quo. So nothing situational - not the surgery, not still tired from Rosh Hashana, not 'we're doing it at my house this year' - just, 'Mom and I talked, and we agree that she can't host these huge dinners anymore, it just really affects her health at this point, and is a lot for Dad too. We've loved having you with us for all these years, and we wish it could continue, but it's just no longer possible.'
posted by namesarehard at 10:10 AM on September 29, 2014 [27 favorites]
posted by namesarehard at 10:10 AM on September 29, 2014 [27 favorites]
Unless you really honestly want to have dinner with the KateBob family, don't tell them you're going out this year, as it would be way too easy for them to propose to move the whole unwieldy multi-family fiasco out to a restaurant. Key phrases: "so you can make other plans", "a smaller gathering", and if asked what you're doing instead, "we haven't firmly decided yet".
posted by aimedwander at 10:10 AM on September 29, 2014 [10 favorites]
posted by aimedwander at 10:10 AM on September 29, 2014 [10 favorites]
This isn't a big deal at all -- except, you sound kind of resentful. If you're making the call, lose the resentment. There is a myriad of ways to accomplish this without causing hard feelings if you go into the phone call without hard feelings.
posted by vitabellosi at 10:13 AM on September 29, 2014 [36 favorites]
posted by vitabellosi at 10:13 AM on September 29, 2014 [36 favorites]
I don't understand why this whole situation is so fraught. Call them up and say, "We loved having you for Thanksgiving all those years, but my mother's getting up there in age and really isn't up to doing a huge Thanksgiving anymore. Just wanted to let you know so you can make other plans." Given your father's condition, wouldn't they understand how demanding and physically taxing your mother's life is? Even with a caretaker, having a family member in the house with senility or Alzheimer's is completely exhausting.
What is there for them to object to? They will find something else to do for Thanksgiving, and everyone will go on with their lives. I think you may be overthinking this.
Frankly, friends or not, these people seem like they've been taking advantage of your mother's goodwill and unwillingness to say no for years. The fact that you've hosted them for decades and they've never returned the favor (and keep tacking on additional family members and assorted random acquaintances) speaks volumes about this crew. Good riddance to these sponges.
posted by Leatherstocking at 10:14 AM on September 29, 2014 [6 favorites]
What is there for them to object to? They will find something else to do for Thanksgiving, and everyone will go on with their lives. I think you may be overthinking this.
Frankly, friends or not, these people seem like they've been taking advantage of your mother's goodwill and unwillingness to say no for years. The fact that you've hosted them for decades and they've never returned the favor (and keep tacking on additional family members and assorted random acquaintances) speaks volumes about this crew. Good riddance to these sponges.
posted by Leatherstocking at 10:14 AM on September 29, 2014 [6 favorites]
I think you should give them the opportunity to consider hosting and inviting your family by not saying you already have made different plans -- unless you would not want to spend Thanksgiving with them even if they are hosting. Just make it clear your mom won't be hosting.
posted by flimflam at 10:14 AM on September 29, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by flimflam at 10:14 AM on September 29, 2014 [5 favorites]
I think the problem is that you're combining your own feelings about Kate and Bob and their family, with the very real need of your mother not to host anymore. This doesn't have to be a "You're uninvited" issue. It can easily be a, "Hey Kate, my mom is really having a hard time with her health issues. Would it be possible for YOU to host this year?" And see how that goes. Your mom probably doesn't want to lose a tradition so entrenched. And if Kate says no, you have your perfect segue for a "Okay, no worries. We'll probably just start doing quiet Thanksgivings from now on then - no one else can really host those kinds of big gatherings."
posted by corb at 10:22 AM on September 29, 2014 [17 favorites]
posted by corb at 10:22 AM on September 29, 2014 [17 favorites]
I think someone in their 70s deserves to be promoted to "guest," not host. She's done her time, and I don't think anyone would argue with that. Unless she just isn't into the whole thing anymore, maybe one of the next generation could take up the torch. Could be your family, could be Kate and Bob's family.
posted by ctmf at 10:22 AM on September 29, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by ctmf at 10:22 AM on September 29, 2014 [4 favorites]
I would absolutely say take the hit as the "bad guy" for this one, and call Kate and Bob and tell them that YOU are pulling the plug, that your parents are no longer in good enough health to do this but they're too kind to stop, and surely Kate and Bob understand, but still you and mom and dad are so sorry that the tradition has to end.
Frankly, I think Kate and Bob are assholes that they are willing to put this burden on your parents, year after year, unless they are only doing it because they too are afraid to be the bad guys. In which case your call will be a relief to them.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:29 AM on September 29, 2014 [23 favorites]
Frankly, I think Kate and Bob are assholes that they are willing to put this burden on your parents, year after year, unless they are only doing it because they too are afraid to be the bad guys. In which case your call will be a relief to them.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:29 AM on September 29, 2014 [23 favorites]
Another vote for you being the bad guy and telling Kate and Bob that your Mom and Dad love seeing everyone, but that the hosting is far too exhausting for them. Throw in a bit about how seeing Mom so wiped out after the last hosting drove it home to you that the big Thanksgiving is something of the past now. Period. End of story. If Kate persists, mention the surgery.
I agree that it's shocking that this clan has felt so entitled that they continue to expand the guest lists and have never insisted that they host Thanksgiving one year.
posted by quince at 10:35 AM on September 29, 2014 [7 favorites]
I agree that it's shocking that this clan has felt so entitled that they continue to expand the guest lists and have never insisted that they host Thanksgiving one year.
posted by quince at 10:35 AM on September 29, 2014 [7 favorites]
"Hi, Kate and Bob. I wanted you to know that Mom won't be hosting Thanksgiving dinner starting this year. Dad has Alzheimer's, and Mom just doesn't have the stamina anymore. I wanted you to know in advance so you can make your own family plans. I hope you have a great Thanksgiving, and we're looking forward to seeing the Facebook posts!" Absolutely be the bad guy here; I think it will be easier on everyone (and no-one can steamroller your mom into hosting by begging, pleading or emotional blackmail).
Unless Kate and Bob are colossally selfish, they will understand that an elderly woman whose husband has dementia and needs a caregiver just isn't up to hosting a big party. I doubt they'll take offense. And if they do - they're jerks and not real friends.
Give Kate and Bob plenty of heads-up and it should be OK. For your own family Thanksgiving, I heartily endorse the idea of going to a restaurant. My mom put her foot down long before she reached 70, and made reservations at a hotel buffet for our family Thanksgiving one year; we all loved it so much that I haven't had a home-cooked Thanksgiving for the past 20 or so years.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 10:38 AM on September 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
Unless Kate and Bob are colossally selfish, they will understand that an elderly woman whose husband has dementia and needs a caregiver just isn't up to hosting a big party. I doubt they'll take offense. And if they do - they're jerks and not real friends.
Give Kate and Bob plenty of heads-up and it should be OK. For your own family Thanksgiving, I heartily endorse the idea of going to a restaurant. My mom put her foot down long before she reached 70, and made reservations at a hotel buffet for our family Thanksgiving one year; we all loved it so much that I haven't had a home-cooked Thanksgiving for the past 20 or so years.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 10:38 AM on September 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
I think someone in their 70s deserves to be promoted to "guest," not host.
In my family, we speak of the shift in hosting as our aunt "retired" from Thanksgiving or Christmas. Now her son or my brother in that locale do it.
Frame it as a rite of passage for your mom! She sounds wonderful!
posted by jgirl at 10:39 AM on September 29, 2014 [4 favorites]
Honestly, I don't see what the big deal is. Every tradition starts and every tradition ends. Your mother is in her 70s. Most people understand that things that are a challenge to do when you're younger are sometimes increasingly more difficult to do when you're older.
Just tell them that hosting is a bit much now and that it's just not possible to continue as it was.
If this ruins the friendship, it really wasn't a friendship at all, but a free catering facility used once a year at your mother's house.
posted by inturnaround at 10:51 AM on September 29, 2014 [2 favorites]
Just tell them that hosting is a bit much now and that it's just not possible to continue as it was.
If this ruins the friendship, it really wasn't a friendship at all, but a free catering facility used once a year at your mother's house.
posted by inturnaround at 10:51 AM on September 29, 2014 [2 favorites]
Talk to your Mom and make sure she's on board with ending this tradition. Consider an alternative - Kate & Bob, Mom isn't able to host a big dinner, but she wants to continue the tradition by asking you all to come over for pie and coffee on Thanksgiving. You can help her make several pies, as even dessert is a lot of work. If Kate & Bob have half a brain between them, they'd offer to bring the dinner with them.
posted by theora55 at 11:08 AM on September 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by theora55 at 11:08 AM on September 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
I don't think this needs to be as big an issue as you may think it is.
Be honest, be kind and be open to alternative suggestions that don't involve your mom doing a bunch of work or being put in a stressful situation.
posted by edgeways at 11:16 AM on September 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
Be honest, be kind and be open to alternative suggestions that don't involve your mom doing a bunch of work or being put in a stressful situation.
posted by edgeways at 11:16 AM on September 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
Another vote for how shocking it is that no one else has offered to host all these years! The Kate and Bob family have definitely been taking advantage of your Mom, probably by just incrementally adding over the years, and maybe even asking your Mom at the time (Hey, is it okay if our daughter brings her new Guy? It's getting serious between them...), and your Mom being too nice a person to tell them no.
So definitely call Kate and Bob and give them the speech about it being too much for your Mom to host Thanksiving dinner for everyone, and be sure to let them know she won't be doing it any more.
The part about telling them early so they can make other plans is a really nice way to let them know without anyone having to feel guilty. We all had a great time, but now it's done. The younger members of Kate and Bob's vast family can surely figure out a way to put a meal together for themselves, and Kate and Bob can always go to one of their places instead. Seems like they will have lots of options to chose from!
Now, on to your own Thanksgiving feast. Honestly, I'm surprised you or one of your siblings hasn't stepped in before now to take over this chore from your Mom, either! It isn't too late. You could still step up to the plate. Host the dinner, and have a lovely (small) family gathering.
Important note: If your Mom a anything like mine, she would probably feel she was letting everyone down if she suggested someone else host, so she won't, but she would honestly be relieved if someone took the burden off of her hands for her. She may put up a token resistance for form's sake, though, (Oh, I don't want you to go to any trouble). You know her best, so you can judge for yourself whether she really wants to keep hosting, or just feels like she should. I Am Not Your Mom, This is Not Your Mom's Advice, Your Mom May Vary. Etc.
If your Dad's Alzheimer's makes hosting an impossibility anywhere else (because his caretaker won't be available and/or too much traveling is involved, etc.), or you all already fly just to get to Mom's, going out to dinner somewhere (Mom's choice!) is an excellent alternative.
Third case option is Mom basically providing the house and everyone else working together to prepare Thanksgiving dinner. Do you and your siblings stay at Mom and Dad's over Thanksgiving weekend?
posted by misha at 11:19 AM on September 29, 2014 [3 favorites]
So definitely call Kate and Bob and give them the speech about it being too much for your Mom to host Thanksiving dinner for everyone, and be sure to let them know she won't be doing it any more.
The part about telling them early so they can make other plans is a really nice way to let them know without anyone having to feel guilty. We all had a great time, but now it's done. The younger members of Kate and Bob's vast family can surely figure out a way to put a meal together for themselves, and Kate and Bob can always go to one of their places instead. Seems like they will have lots of options to chose from!
Now, on to your own Thanksgiving feast. Honestly, I'm surprised you or one of your siblings hasn't stepped in before now to take over this chore from your Mom, either! It isn't too late. You could still step up to the plate. Host the dinner, and have a lovely (small) family gathering.
Important note: If your Mom a anything like mine, she would probably feel she was letting everyone down if she suggested someone else host, so she won't, but she would honestly be relieved if someone took the burden off of her hands for her. She may put up a token resistance for form's sake, though, (Oh, I don't want you to go to any trouble). You know her best, so you can judge for yourself whether she really wants to keep hosting, or just feels like she should. I Am Not Your Mom, This is Not Your Mom's Advice, Your Mom May Vary. Etc.
If your Dad's Alzheimer's makes hosting an impossibility anywhere else (because his caretaker won't be available and/or too much traveling is involved, etc.), or you all already fly just to get to Mom's, going out to dinner somewhere (Mom's choice!) is an excellent alternative.
Third case option is Mom basically providing the house and everyone else working together to prepare Thanksgiving dinner. Do you and your siblings stay at Mom and Dad's over Thanksgiving weekend?
posted by misha at 11:19 AM on September 29, 2014 [3 favorites]
I'm kinda surprised no one else has mentioned this yet, but based on your portrayal of the KateBob family, I'm wondering if they aren't kind of tired/resentful of going to your mom's house every year. If they're bringing friends-of-friends without warning and just assuming that you guys are hosting every year, I feel like at least a couple members of their crew are like, "But mom/dad why do we keep going to their house every year?!" and the answer is, "Oh they love hosting and would be heart-broken if we made plans without them" or something. I definitely think direct is best--"Hey guys! I hate to admit this day has come but we just can't host anymore. know it sucks, the end of an era, blah blah". I know this feels like a big deal but it really isn't and I'm betting you won't be the only one who is relieved by this change of plans!
posted by masquesoporfavor at 11:26 AM on September 29, 2014 [10 favorites]
posted by masquesoporfavor at 11:26 AM on September 29, 2014 [10 favorites]
OP, it sounds like your mom still wants to host Thanksgiving, but just not for so many people. If that's the case, then completely replacing her with a different host in your family might be overkill, and may not be what she wants. In another aging related example, it's the difference between slowing down, maybe accepting some help (like a walker), or being put in a wheelchair in a nursing home. It seems like most older folks would like the ability to ratchet down a little as opposed to being completely counted out... I know I would be.
So, I think that if your mom wants to, she should still be the Thanksgiving host but it's entirely reasonable for her, as host, to decide to trim the guest list. Someone needs to tell Kate and Bob a script that goes something like: "Hi, it's so great to see you at Thanksgiving every year, but Mom just isn't up to hosting such a large group anymore so we wanted to keep it just family for the year".
Yes, Kate and Bob are like family. But they aren't family, and they should understand that. It's possible that someone in Kate and Bob's clan is actually looking forward to being able to host the Kate and Bob clan, but doesn't want to step on the toes of the OP's family tradition. (that's the situation that I'm in with my in-laws right now... I'd love to host Thanksgiving, but that is Mr. Motion's Aunt's thing and to set up a competing event would cause all kinds of problems. So I help out a lot and am in charge of the pumpkin pie (made of real pumpkins) and carving the turkey).
posted by sparklemotion at 11:29 AM on September 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
So, I think that if your mom wants to, she should still be the Thanksgiving host but it's entirely reasonable for her, as host, to decide to trim the guest list. Someone needs to tell Kate and Bob a script that goes something like: "Hi, it's so great to see you at Thanksgiving every year, but Mom just isn't up to hosting such a large group anymore so we wanted to keep it just family for the year".
Yes, Kate and Bob are like family. But they aren't family, and they should understand that. It's possible that someone in Kate and Bob's clan is actually looking forward to being able to host the Kate and Bob clan, but doesn't want to step on the toes of the OP's family tradition. (that's the situation that I'm in with my in-laws right now... I'd love to host Thanksgiving, but that is Mr. Motion's Aunt's thing and to set up a competing event would cause all kinds of problems. So I help out a lot and am in charge of the pumpkin pie (made of real pumpkins) and carving the turkey).
posted by sparklemotion at 11:29 AM on September 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
Your mother should not host a Thanksgsving dinner this year...After a year or two of this the expectation of your mom hosting will pass. They will have a new tradition, and if you really want you or one of your siblings can host a Thanksgiving dinner, for your family only, at your mothers house
Uh, no. OP's mother is in her 70s and has a(n ex?) husband who is in his 80s with dementia. She should feel free to host a Thanksgiving dinner that includes extended family members but excludes Kate and Bob and their family.
Kate and Bob might be a little sad at this new development, but I'm confident OP can handle this with grace. Anyway, I'd never deprive an old lady of Thanksgiving in an effort to avoid getting someone else's knickers in a twist.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 11:30 AM on September 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
Uh, no. OP's mother is in her 70s and has a(n ex?) husband who is in his 80s with dementia. She should feel free to host a Thanksgiving dinner that includes extended family members but excludes Kate and Bob and their family.
Kate and Bob might be a little sad at this new development, but I'm confident OP can handle this with grace. Anyway, I'd never deprive an old lady of Thanksgiving in an effort to avoid getting someone else's knickers in a twist.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 11:30 AM on September 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
Just figure out, before you phone, whether your mother wants to host a smaller one, or would be okay going elsewhere, and if Kate or her family invite you, whether you'd like to join them. But anyone should understand that your 70 year old mother whose spouse has Alzheimer's cannot host a gathering of 20 people, even without the cataract surgery. You're giving them two months notice, which is more than sufficient.
posted by jeather at 11:37 AM on September 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by jeather at 11:37 AM on September 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
You have two missions here. One is to avoid having your mother host Thanksgiving ever again, which is clearly sensible and necessary. The second seems to involve reasserting some kind of normative kinship ideology:
Kate and Bob, who are basically the same as family ... My own opinion is that it's time for Kate and Bob's family to split off ... a large family is self-contained and they should do their own Thanksgiving.
Are you sure your mother is on board with this second mission? (Full disclosure: it's been 38 years since I celebrated Thanksgiving with anyone you'd define as family, rather than people in my long-term friendship network.) As amtho and ctmf point out, friendships are to be treasured, and promoting your mom from hostess to guest doesn't require sending everyone back into their familial boxes.
Instead of telling Kate and Bob that your mother has other plans, I would frame the initial conversation in such a way as to leave room for them to offer to host. You can be absolutely firm about your mother not hosting, without implying that your side of the network wants to split off from theirs.
posted by feral_goldfish at 12:00 PM on September 29, 2014 [4 favorites]
Kate and Bob, who are basically the same as family ... My own opinion is that it's time for Kate and Bob's family to split off ... a large family is self-contained and they should do their own Thanksgiving.
Are you sure your mother is on board with this second mission? (Full disclosure: it's been 38 years since I celebrated Thanksgiving with anyone you'd define as family, rather than people in my long-term friendship network.) As amtho and ctmf point out, friendships are to be treasured, and promoting your mom from hostess to guest doesn't require sending everyone back into their familial boxes.
Instead of telling Kate and Bob that your mother has other plans, I would frame the initial conversation in such a way as to leave room for them to offer to host. You can be absolutely firm about your mother not hosting, without implying that your side of the network wants to split off from theirs.
posted by feral_goldfish at 12:00 PM on September 29, 2014 [4 favorites]
"Hello, Kate? This is OP. I'm calling to let you know Mom is having cataract surgery just before Thanksgiving and she won't be able to host a large party this year."
Stated this way, it kinda shuts down any response other than, "Please tell your Mom we'll miss her this year!" Or something similar.
Hope this helps!
posted by jbenben at 12:07 PM on September 29, 2014 [4 favorites]
Stated this way, it kinda shuts down any response other than, "Please tell your Mom we'll miss her this year!" Or something similar.
Hope this helps!
posted by jbenben at 12:07 PM on September 29, 2014 [4 favorites]
OP, it sounds like your mom still wants to host Thanksgiving, but just not for so many people.
She should feel free to host a Thanksgiving dinner that includes extended family members but excludes Kate and Bob and their family.
Just figure out, before you phone, whether your mother wants to host a smaller one...
Maybe next year she might want to return to hosting a smaller Thanksgiving dinner, but when I had cataract surgery I was forbidden from lifting anything over five pounds for a few weeks. And I was young and relatively healthy (aside from having cataracts at a freakishly young age). She should ask her doctor if it's OK before making plans for this year.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 12:26 PM on September 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
She should feel free to host a Thanksgiving dinner that includes extended family members but excludes Kate and Bob and their family.
Just figure out, before you phone, whether your mother wants to host a smaller one...
Maybe next year she might want to return to hosting a smaller Thanksgiving dinner, but when I had cataract surgery I was forbidden from lifting anything over five pounds for a few weeks. And I was young and relatively healthy (aside from having cataracts at a freakishly young age). She should ask her doctor if it's OK before making plans for this year.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 12:26 PM on September 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
The way my family has dealt with a similar problem is to have the kids (the holborne generation) cook. Your parents can still host, but just kick back.
posted by rhizome at 12:36 PM on September 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by rhizome at 12:36 PM on September 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
OP, this sounds totally reasonable and I think you should do it and be honest and firm. Your mom sounds too nice to deliver the bad news and keep it non-negotiable. I think the suggestions so far are good. I would say your parents are getting older and it's harder for them to deal with big gatherings and your mom is officially retiring as host, so you'll miss seeing Bob and Kate but the Smith Family is having a small Smith Family gathering this year instead. Maybe toss out something like you hope to see them another time during the holidays though (meaning going out somewhere, not with your mother as host). You could alternatively ask Bob and Kate to host Thanksgiving -- they seriously owe your mom. But if that's not an appealing idea, then just tell them the shared Thanksgiving is over.
I would also offer the idea of going out. After my family had some divorces and obnoxious SOs that ruined the big gathering thing, we started going out for Thanksgiving. It's less stressful since no one has to host, everyone is paying their fair share, and it can be a shorter gathering if that's what you want. Everyone just meets at the restaurant and it can be as big or as small as you choose. A more recent development is visiting an out-of-town family member and having a small immediate-family Thanksgiving in another city.
posted by AppleTurnover at 12:39 PM on September 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
I would also offer the idea of going out. After my family had some divorces and obnoxious SOs that ruined the big gathering thing, we started going out for Thanksgiving. It's less stressful since no one has to host, everyone is paying their fair share, and it can be a shorter gathering if that's what you want. Everyone just meets at the restaurant and it can be as big or as small as you choose. A more recent development is visiting an out-of-town family member and having a small immediate-family Thanksgiving in another city.
posted by AppleTurnover at 12:39 PM on September 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
Oh my god, there is no reason why your Mom should be doing this at all - I can't even believe she's been doing this for years!
"Hey Kate and Bob, we were wondering if you could host Thanksgiving? My mom's not feeling up to it any more, but we love celebrating with you and the family."
posted by bleep at 12:41 PM on September 29, 2014 [3 favorites]
"Hey Kate and Bob, we were wondering if you could host Thanksgiving? My mom's not feeling up to it any more, but we love celebrating with you and the family."
posted by bleep at 12:41 PM on September 29, 2014 [3 favorites]
There have been a lot of good answers, but I haven't seen anyone say what I fear happening. You call KateBob and explain what the new normal is, using whatever script you think is best, and then Kate calls your mom to talk about this and express concern and start offering suggestions. The question is -- what will your mom do in that circumstance? It sounds like she will cave, even if she does want change. I don't know if you can truly circumvent this by encouraging Kate not to call and try to find solutions, if they are friends surely they talk?
If you are offering to take this on I think you need to take it on all the way, take the responsibility for what is happening next and make sure to talk to your mom and make sure your mom also likes your new plan. I imagine it still needs to be at your parents' home due to your father's health issues, heck, this year your mom may not want to travel either. So, how about say you are hosting, but at their home and with this being new to you, sorry, but I am just not up to the challenge of so many people, going to take it slow this year and see how it goes. That gives you some time to figure out the new normal, too.
I like the idea of hosting a punch and pie event for KateBob, as they have been friends so long, that might be a good way to redirect the conversation after cancelling Thanksgiving. I can not figure out the KateBob mindset and that would be an excellent way to feel out if it's about a handy place to meet up, without regard to your family's needs, or if it's about a long-standing friendship.
posted by dawg-proud at 12:54 PM on September 29, 2014 [3 favorites]
If you are offering to take this on I think you need to take it on all the way, take the responsibility for what is happening next and make sure to talk to your mom and make sure your mom also likes your new plan. I imagine it still needs to be at your parents' home due to your father's health issues, heck, this year your mom may not want to travel either. So, how about say you are hosting, but at their home and with this being new to you, sorry, but I am just not up to the challenge of so many people, going to take it slow this year and see how it goes. That gives you some time to figure out the new normal, too.
I like the idea of hosting a punch and pie event for KateBob, as they have been friends so long, that might be a good way to redirect the conversation after cancelling Thanksgiving. I can not figure out the KateBob mindset and that would be an excellent way to feel out if it's about a handy place to meet up, without regard to your family's needs, or if it's about a long-standing friendship.
posted by dawg-proud at 12:54 PM on September 29, 2014 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks for the great answers, everyone! Couple of things: I live in NYC, as do a bunch of the players in this little drama, so the reason I haven't hosted is that my husband and I live in a tiny (and I do mean tiny) NYC apartment. Kate and Bob also live in a relatively small apartment in NYC. My two siblings live in other states, one across the country. I also perhaps haven't gotten across that this kind of is a big deal, although I understand why it might not sound so to others; we're all intermarried in various iterations, so Thanksgiving and its celebration is the major holiday for us and is a big, big deal in our family, and we've done it with Kate and Bob et al. for 30 years that I can recall and probably more.
posted by holborne at 1:45 PM on September 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by holborne at 1:45 PM on September 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
I understand that it's a big deal, but I don't understand why there should be any expectation of bad blood if your mother resigns for health reasons? I mean, is anyone likely to get snitty about it?
posted by Omnomnom at 1:54 PM on September 29, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by Omnomnom at 1:54 PM on September 29, 2014 [2 favorites]
Oh, you're in NYC? Ugh. Yeah, that is a real problem.
Is a restaurant not feasible?
posted by corb at 2:21 PM on September 29, 2014
Is a restaurant not feasible?
posted by corb at 2:21 PM on September 29, 2014
With your update I'm even more sure that the KateBob side of this equation is waiting for you guys to gracefully bow out. I can see them now, "Well when will they give up?" "I don't know, I mean they're 70!" "I know, and he has Alzeheimer's!" "It would be awkward to tell them we don't want to go anymore!" "Yeah and what if their feelings are hurt!"
I do think your family thinks it's a big deal, but if no one in the KateBob fam has offered to come up with an alternate venue (or help, or not bring extra people) in 30 years they don't sound like that great of friends and you'll be doing everyone a favor by stepping in!
posted by masquesoporfavor at 2:24 PM on September 29, 2014
I do think your family thinks it's a big deal, but if no one in the KateBob fam has offered to come up with an alternate venue (or help, or not bring extra people) in 30 years they don't sound like that great of friends and you'll be doing everyone a favor by stepping in!
posted by masquesoporfavor at 2:24 PM on September 29, 2014
When my older relatives have had cataract surgery, there was no way they were hosting dinner for 2, much less 20 within a week or two of the surgery. For this year, I think it makes the most sense for you and siblings to essentially "host" the holiday at your Mom's place (i.e. she rests up while you all do the cooking and cleaning), OR you all plan to eat out for dinner (which can be very nice!).
Regardless, I would talk to your Mom about whether she shares your feelings about wanting to split up the two families at Thanksgiving due to the various interpersonal issues that have arisen, or whether she would like to figure out a way to keep the holiday connection between the families alive if it is possible. Your parents are elderly, and I think it would be a very kind gift for you to figure out a way to make that happen if it is possible (if that is something your Mom wants)...you may not be crazy about each individual, but it might feel really important to your mother to share the holiday with them. I know I have some friends who feel CLOSER to me than some family members...blood isn't everything. (Of course, if Mom would just as well keep things separate regardless of her health, then go with any and all of the above excellent suggestions!)
Some options include:
* Potluck where each person is assigned a dish, and you all meet at Mom's place to eat. Siblings (and maybe Kate + Bob plus others?) pitch in to hire a cleaner before and after.
* Restaurant
* Each family does their own meals separately (with you + sibs doing most if not all of the work at Mom's house!), and then everyone meets for pie at your Mom's/a coffee shop/a favorite restaurant afterward.
* Each family does Thanksgiving itself separately, but plans an outing over the weekend such as visiting a museum, having brunch at a cafe, etc. You might offer to stay home with Dad if you don't want to spend time with the Kate-Bob clan
* Lay things out for Kate and say "Mom hosting this year is simply not an option given her health, but we would love to see you all at some point over the holidays. Do you have any thoughts?"
posted by rainbowbrite at 2:26 PM on September 29, 2014 [4 favorites]
Regardless, I would talk to your Mom about whether she shares your feelings about wanting to split up the two families at Thanksgiving due to the various interpersonal issues that have arisen, or whether she would like to figure out a way to keep the holiday connection between the families alive if it is possible. Your parents are elderly, and I think it would be a very kind gift for you to figure out a way to make that happen if it is possible (if that is something your Mom wants)...you may not be crazy about each individual, but it might feel really important to your mother to share the holiday with them. I know I have some friends who feel CLOSER to me than some family members...blood isn't everything. (Of course, if Mom would just as well keep things separate regardless of her health, then go with any and all of the above excellent suggestions!)
Some options include:
* Potluck where each person is assigned a dish, and you all meet at Mom's place to eat. Siblings (and maybe Kate + Bob plus others?) pitch in to hire a cleaner before and after.
* Restaurant
* Each family does their own meals separately (with you + sibs doing most if not all of the work at Mom's house!), and then everyone meets for pie at your Mom's/a coffee shop/a favorite restaurant afterward.
* Each family does Thanksgiving itself separately, but plans an outing over the weekend such as visiting a museum, having brunch at a cafe, etc. You might offer to stay home with Dad if you don't want to spend time with the Kate-Bob clan
* Lay things out for Kate and say "Mom hosting this year is simply not an option given her health, but we would love to see you all at some point over the holidays. Do you have any thoughts?"
posted by rainbowbrite at 2:26 PM on September 29, 2014 [4 favorites]
If Kate and Bob themselves would still be welcome, what about letting Kate and Bob know that they are still invited, but that your mom is not up for cooking for the whole family anymore (follow the advice other ppl have given about tact). The two of them might still come to carry on the tradition, or they might choose to have thanksgiving elsewhere, and they would know they are still cared about.
(really, if health reasons are cited and they feel afronted, then they are sort of shitty people, which is unlikely after that long of friendship)
posted by miss so and so at 2:33 PM on September 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
(really, if health reasons are cited and they feel afronted, then they are sort of shitty people, which is unlikely after that long of friendship)
posted by miss so and so at 2:33 PM on September 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
There are tons of places in NYC open on Thanksgiving. Check open table.
posted by brujita at 3:34 PM on September 29, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by brujita at 3:34 PM on September 29, 2014 [2 favorites]
Call up Kate and Bob and mention that your parents aren't up to hosting Thanksgiving.
Then, if you want to keep the tradition, ask them if they haven any other ideas where the younger folks can continue the tradition. Perhaps renting a church hall? Or meeting somewhere for Chinese?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:24 PM on September 29, 2014 [2 favorites]
Then, if you want to keep the tradition, ask them if they haven any other ideas where the younger folks can continue the tradition. Perhaps renting a church hall? Or meeting somewhere for Chinese?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:24 PM on September 29, 2014 [2 favorites]
Is she not up to the work, or the guests?
If the former, buy your Thanksgiving feast (mostly) pre-cooked (pretty much every nice supermarket does it) and hire someone to come in, set up, heat up, serve, and clean up. The food cost maybe $20 a person and the worker maybe $25 an hour for six hours? If Kate and Bob are anyway decent, they'll pick up some or all of the costs.
posted by MattD at 4:48 PM on September 29, 2014
If the former, buy your Thanksgiving feast (mostly) pre-cooked (pretty much every nice supermarket does it) and hire someone to come in, set up, heat up, serve, and clean up. The food cost maybe $20 a person and the worker maybe $25 an hour for six hours? If Kate and Bob are anyway decent, they'll pick up some or all of the costs.
posted by MattD at 4:48 PM on September 29, 2014
"Hi, Kate. This is OP. Listen, Mom is having cataract surgery a few days before Thanksgiving and she won't be able to host a dinner. I'm calling to brainstorm alternatives for the holiday. What do you think?"
Have courage! It's not that big of a deal. And anyway, it is a holiday about sharing, surely they will want to help your mom out here, right??
posted by jbenben at 5:27 PM on September 29, 2014 [2 favorites]
Have courage! It's not that big of a deal. And anyway, it is a holiday about sharing, surely they will want to help your mom out here, right??
posted by jbenben at 5:27 PM on September 29, 2014 [2 favorites]
I think it is time for Kate and Bob to take the hint and start hosting Thanksgivings. Seriously, it's about time.
As everyone else said: explain why and how worn out she is and the Alzheimer's, and then ask if they have any other suggestions (hint hint) or if the families should split up for the holidays. If Kate and Bob are nice people, one hopes they will figure out the right thing to do.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:59 PM on September 29, 2014
As everyone else said: explain why and how worn out she is and the Alzheimer's, and then ask if they have any other suggestions (hint hint) or if the families should split up for the holidays. If Kate and Bob are nice people, one hopes they will figure out the right thing to do.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:59 PM on September 29, 2014
My aunt does this all the time for my grandmother, seriously people understand. Also you can play the, "I've told mom that she just can't do this to herself anymore. After Rosh Hashanah she could barely get out of bed and after that I just told her, mom, you need to accept that these huge meals are just too much, you've got dad and your own health to take care of. So yeah we talked about it and she agreed that this year we'd all either just go to a restaurant or have something really small and low key without the big group. I mean it's hard for her to accept and she's so worried she's going to disappoint everyone, but you know it's for the best."
I've heard my aunt recite this speech almost verbatim at least a dozen times (I've even been on the receiving end of it) and it's never been met with anything other than, "oh of course, we totally understand."
posted by whoaali at 6:06 PM on September 29, 2014 [10 favorites]
I've heard my aunt recite this speech almost verbatim at least a dozen times (I've even been on the receiving end of it) and it's never been met with anything other than, "oh of course, we totally understand."
posted by whoaali at 6:06 PM on September 29, 2014 [10 favorites]
Kate, mom and dad are getting up there in years and it is too much on mom to host Thanksgiving dinner this year. Do you think that just you, Bob, and a couple of the kids could stop by for coffee and dessert?
Your mom is going to be miserable on Thanksgiving if she can't do some of her favorite things. Figure out which recipes mean the most to her and ask her to teach one of the youth how to make it. Tell the youth ahead of time that it is their job to help her as much as possible. And then pay for catering the rest of it.
posted by myselfasme at 7:03 PM on September 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
Your mom is going to be miserable on Thanksgiving if she can't do some of her favorite things. Figure out which recipes mean the most to her and ask her to teach one of the youth how to make it. Tell the youth ahead of time that it is their job to help her as much as possible. And then pay for catering the rest of it.
posted by myselfasme at 7:03 PM on September 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
Since KateNBob are practically family, why don't you just ask their advice about all of it?
"KateNBob, Mom was actually crippled after Rosh Hashannah! I was thinking hubby and I would just cook for her this year for Thanksgiving but there's no way we'd be up for the extravaganza Mom always did. Also, we'd hate for you guys to feel left out, since you're so dear to us! What do you think? Any ideas?"
posted by small_ruminant at 7:12 PM on September 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
"KateNBob, Mom was actually crippled after Rosh Hashannah! I was thinking hubby and I would just cook for her this year for Thanksgiving but there's no way we'd be up for the extravaganza Mom always did. Also, we'd hate for you guys to feel left out, since you're so dear to us! What do you think? Any ideas?"
posted by small_ruminant at 7:12 PM on September 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
Actually, you living in a small apartment could be a good thing!
Tell Kate&Bob that your mother is sorry but she will no longer be able to host Thanksgiving: due to her age it exhausts her, and your father's health situation means he's better off without a huge noisy gathering going on and upsetting him --- even if that's not quite true, make excuses: the one thing you don't want to say is some more-direct version of 'we're tired of hosting your huge family every year'.
Don't hold even a small family-only gathering at Mom's house, even if you and your siblings do all the work; this change will result in less annoyance from the Kate&Bobs if they don't see you all gathered there after cutting them off. Tell the Kate&Bobs that you will be hosting at your tiny apartment, and there simply isn't room --- so sorry! Make it just you and your spouse plus your parents: add your siblings if they'll fit, otherwise get together with them later.
The restaurant idea is a great one (my family took to doing it as my own parents got older), but the drawback here is making sure Kate&Bob don't invite themselves to tag along, even if they offer to pay their own way. Oh, and if you do decide on a restaurant: make your reservations as soon as possible!
posted by easily confused at 5:42 AM on September 30, 2014
Tell Kate&Bob that your mother is sorry but she will no longer be able to host Thanksgiving: due to her age it exhausts her, and your father's health situation means he's better off without a huge noisy gathering going on and upsetting him --- even if that's not quite true, make excuses: the one thing you don't want to say is some more-direct version of 'we're tired of hosting your huge family every year'.
Don't hold even a small family-only gathering at Mom's house, even if you and your siblings do all the work; this change will result in less annoyance from the Kate&Bobs if they don't see you all gathered there after cutting them off. Tell the Kate&Bobs that you will be hosting at your tiny apartment, and there simply isn't room --- so sorry! Make it just you and your spouse plus your parents: add your siblings if they'll fit, otherwise get together with them later.
The restaurant idea is a great one (my family took to doing it as my own parents got older), but the drawback here is making sure Kate&Bob don't invite themselves to tag along, even if they offer to pay their own way. Oh, and if you do decide on a restaurant: make your reservations as soon as possible!
posted by easily confused at 5:42 AM on September 30, 2014
This is totally normal and really not a big deal at all. Traditions change as circumstances change. No reasonable person would expect a woman in her 70s (with or without cataracts!) to host so many people indefinitely. This situation was inevitable, and anyone who wasn't expecting it is just dumb. My parents are only in their 60s but I know eventually, they wont be able to host christmas anymore.
Just call Kate/Bob and explain - don't mention anything about their obnoxious family or that they've been taking the piss really with their extra guests etc. Just simply tell them that you mum just isn't able to host so many people anymore, especially with her surgery just before thanksgiving. I'm sure they'll understand
posted by missmagenta at 7:22 AM on September 30, 2014
Just call Kate/Bob and explain - don't mention anything about their obnoxious family or that they've been taking the piss really with their extra guests etc. Just simply tell them that you mum just isn't able to host so many people anymore, especially with her surgery just before thanksgiving. I'm sure they'll understand
posted by missmagenta at 7:22 AM on September 30, 2014
I think you need to separate out your own personal feelings from your mother's situation. You sound kind of pissed at Kate and Bob, and you have opinions about this -- that families should host their own festivities, that they are imposing on your mother, etc. But you are not the host and so your opinions are not really relevant.
Your mother has hosted them for thirty years and it sounds like she did it because she enjoyed it. If it needs to stop now, it's because your mother is too old to continue. There's no need to make Kate and Bob feel bad about the past, and if you let your personal feelings leak into this, you risk that happening. Why invalidate what sounds like a lovely generous tradition?
Just tell Kate and Bob that your parents are too old to continue hosting, and so the mega celebration needs to come to an end. It was lovely, everyone enjoyed it, but your parents can't continue it because they can't handle all the work.
But please make sure your mother is comfortable with, and agrees with, that message. You say your mother is "down with it," but then you say she doesn't want to disappoint people, and says she can probably manage if she gets help. Talk with her and figure out what she really wants, and then make it happen. This is her holiday tradition, and so it's ultimately her decision. It's really common for old people to have their agency taken away by their kids -- you should try not to do that to her.
posted by Susan PG at 7:49 AM on September 30, 2014 [3 favorites]
Your mother has hosted them for thirty years and it sounds like she did it because she enjoyed it. If it needs to stop now, it's because your mother is too old to continue. There's no need to make Kate and Bob feel bad about the past, and if you let your personal feelings leak into this, you risk that happening. Why invalidate what sounds like a lovely generous tradition?
Just tell Kate and Bob that your parents are too old to continue hosting, and so the mega celebration needs to come to an end. It was lovely, everyone enjoyed it, but your parents can't continue it because they can't handle all the work.
But please make sure your mother is comfortable with, and agrees with, that message. You say your mother is "down with it," but then you say she doesn't want to disappoint people, and says she can probably manage if she gets help. Talk with her and figure out what she really wants, and then make it happen. This is her holiday tradition, and so it's ultimately her decision. It's really common for old people to have their agency taken away by their kids -- you should try not to do that to her.
posted by Susan PG at 7:49 AM on September 30, 2014 [3 favorites]
We were in the Kate and Bob position (almost exactly - are you my friend?) last year, and honestly, just knowing that doing Thanksgiving with guests was too much for my friend's beloved mother was all it took. We love their family, and we are all friends, but life has changed since we first started going to them at Thanksgiving over 10 years ago - we now have kids, friend's siblings have more kids, etc - and as life changes, we have to be flexible and considerate. My friend honestly just said "hey, given [circumstances x, y, and z - all of which I was completely familiar with because we are friends], we're just going to do the immediate family."
I was sad for the change, but again, life happens. I sent friend/friend's mom a nice Thanksgiving flower arrangement, we ended up hosting other friends and having a lovely time.
If they are truly friends, they'll get it. Honest.
posted by Lulu's Pink Converse at 4:21 PM on September 30, 2014
I was sad for the change, but again, life happens. I sent friend/friend's mom a nice Thanksgiving flower arrangement, we ended up hosting other friends and having a lovely time.
If they are truly friends, they'll get it. Honest.
posted by Lulu's Pink Converse at 4:21 PM on September 30, 2014
I'm not sure how to deliver the news to the people she's uninviting
They aren't being uninvited. It's not as though your mother is going to host a thanksgiving dinner for a different set of 21 people. You cannot un-invite people without some event to which they will be uninvited from.
Think of this in terms of breaking the news of the traditional dinner being canceled for circumstances beyond anyone's control. You are simply going to be informing people that an event they have come to expect won't be occurring so they can plan appropriately.
You can talk about your wonderful memories of your traditional dinners. If you want to stay in touch with this group you should say something about that as well.
Unless Kate and Bob are completely clueless they understand that your parents are getting older and that as people get older they might not be able to do all the things they used to. Kate and Bob are probably more likely to be disappointed by their friend's health declining than there not being a big dinner, if they are indeed good friends.
Also, don't plan on having someone who's just had cataract surgery do all the cooking. Set up something where your mother won't feel she's disappointing people by not cooking if her doctor has her on some sort of restrictions to help her eyes heal properly.
posted by yohko at 6:11 PM on September 30, 2014 [3 favorites]
They aren't being uninvited. It's not as though your mother is going to host a thanksgiving dinner for a different set of 21 people. You cannot un-invite people without some event to which they will be uninvited from.
Think of this in terms of breaking the news of the traditional dinner being canceled for circumstances beyond anyone's control. You are simply going to be informing people that an event they have come to expect won't be occurring so they can plan appropriately.
You can talk about your wonderful memories of your traditional dinners. If you want to stay in touch with this group you should say something about that as well.
Unless Kate and Bob are completely clueless they understand that your parents are getting older and that as people get older they might not be able to do all the things they used to. Kate and Bob are probably more likely to be disappointed by their friend's health declining than there not being a big dinner, if they are indeed good friends.
Also, don't plan on having someone who's just had cataract surgery do all the cooking. Set up something where your mother won't feel she's disappointing people by not cooking if her doctor has her on some sort of restrictions to help her eyes heal properly.
posted by yohko at 6:11 PM on September 30, 2014 [3 favorites]
Susan PG said everything I wanted to express. Your posts have made the situation a lot about you, in terms of how you feel about people in the other family, its size, their rudeness. But I think it should be all about your mom. What would your mom prefer? If she'd like to continue with the whole big group, that can happen at a restaurant as others have outlined (and clearly stated who pays for whom, etc.) If she likes the dessert visit idea, make it so. Listen to her.
posted by Anwan at 7:37 PM on September 30, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by Anwan at 7:37 PM on September 30, 2014 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 9:36 AM on September 29, 2014 [31 favorites]