Help me be stronger and more resilient
September 28, 2014 6:18 PM Subscribe
Self defeating thoughts make it hard to get things done. I want to be able to enjoy my time at school, but my low self confidence causes a lot of anxiety. Is there a way I can shift my perspective?
I have a lot of work to get done for school. But I am a person that has to spend a lot of time on self-care. I am highly sensitive and spend a lot of time processing the waves of feelings that I experience all day, every day. Lately, before I can start my work I have to spend time doing self-therapy a lot- realigning my thoughts, adjusting my expectations, writing about my feelings, making up my mind. It is taking up a lot of my time.
A lot of it is social anxiety- "do I fit in with my other classmates or do they hate me?" is a thought that crosses my mind several times each day. There's also a lot of creative anxiety with regards to my schoolwork- "Everything I write is a piece of shit." I can't get through a single assignment without questioning all my abilities. And then lastly there's the single anxiety - "unless I start dating now, I am going to be single forever. I must attract the right man immediately"
Before this month, I had made a lot of progress in my mental health. Since a major depressive episode after my undergrad 3 years ago, I learned how to take care of myself and how to be happy. But now that I have to be a good student again, the work of being happy has to take a back seat to my schoolwork.
Given that I made the choice to go back to school, and I know that I want to be there, how can I rationalize the practice of self care along with the responsibilities of school? How can I deal with all these self defeating thoughts about my own abilities, and just feel better about what I'm doing and maybe even perform my duties with joy? I'm a big fan of Stoic philosophy, so if anyone knows some great quotes that would be really helpful.
I have a lot of work to get done for school. But I am a person that has to spend a lot of time on self-care. I am highly sensitive and spend a lot of time processing the waves of feelings that I experience all day, every day. Lately, before I can start my work I have to spend time doing self-therapy a lot- realigning my thoughts, adjusting my expectations, writing about my feelings, making up my mind. It is taking up a lot of my time.
A lot of it is social anxiety- "do I fit in with my other classmates or do they hate me?" is a thought that crosses my mind several times each day. There's also a lot of creative anxiety with regards to my schoolwork- "Everything I write is a piece of shit." I can't get through a single assignment without questioning all my abilities. And then lastly there's the single anxiety - "unless I start dating now, I am going to be single forever. I must attract the right man immediately"
Before this month, I had made a lot of progress in my mental health. Since a major depressive episode after my undergrad 3 years ago, I learned how to take care of myself and how to be happy. But now that I have to be a good student again, the work of being happy has to take a back seat to my schoolwork.
Given that I made the choice to go back to school, and I know that I want to be there, how can I rationalize the practice of self care along with the responsibilities of school? How can I deal with all these self defeating thoughts about my own abilities, and just feel better about what I'm doing and maybe even perform my duties with joy? I'm a big fan of Stoic philosophy, so if anyone knows some great quotes that would be really helpful.
I totally sympathize with this predicament, as a sensitive and anxious person who just slogged my way through graduate school. It sounds like you are already headed in the right direction thinking about how to keep at the self care.
Two things that I think that I learned the past two years which may be applicable to your situation:
1) Sometimes those feelings of inadequacy and anxiety are just going to arise. I think that it is good to recognize that you are having them and to try your best to identify them as born out of anxiety and not necessarily reality. Nevertheless, this doesn't mean you have to actively fight the feelings. Personally, where I have driven myself crazy at various points is by thinking that I have to do anything other than recognize my feelings for what they are and try to get some distance from them. At some point over the past year, for instance, I just decided on the dating thing that yes, I was going to have feelings sometimes of being behind on that. But instead of thinking that I could eradicate those feelings from my mind by being strong and 'dealing' with them, it was a lot more useful to simply accept that I was going to have them, but that they were not necessarily useful or true thoughts. This is still something that I am struggling to remind myself to do, but I think that it is important.
2) As far as doing well at school is concerned: I spent way too much time in grad school worrying about whether things were perfect and whether I felt passion for my work. I would urge you to try to focus your energy on hard work and process rather than obtaining perfection or feeling joy from your work. I am really convinced that the way to produce good work is not through possessing some innate intelligence, but through more mundane things like good time management, writing more than one draft, and really just buckling down and working on something. You may feel passionate about what you are doing sometimes (and that's a great thing), but a lot of the time you might just have to accept that what is really required is to soldier through sometimes unpleasant or boring tasks.
Will be interested to see how others answer this question, because the issues you bring up are ones that I am still working on myself.
posted by thesnowyslaps at 7:49 PM on September 28, 2014 [2 favorites]
Two things that I think that I learned the past two years which may be applicable to your situation:
1) Sometimes those feelings of inadequacy and anxiety are just going to arise. I think that it is good to recognize that you are having them and to try your best to identify them as born out of anxiety and not necessarily reality. Nevertheless, this doesn't mean you have to actively fight the feelings. Personally, where I have driven myself crazy at various points is by thinking that I have to do anything other than recognize my feelings for what they are and try to get some distance from them. At some point over the past year, for instance, I just decided on the dating thing that yes, I was going to have feelings sometimes of being behind on that. But instead of thinking that I could eradicate those feelings from my mind by being strong and 'dealing' with them, it was a lot more useful to simply accept that I was going to have them, but that they were not necessarily useful or true thoughts. This is still something that I am struggling to remind myself to do, but I think that it is important.
2) As far as doing well at school is concerned: I spent way too much time in grad school worrying about whether things were perfect and whether I felt passion for my work. I would urge you to try to focus your energy on hard work and process rather than obtaining perfection or feeling joy from your work. I am really convinced that the way to produce good work is not through possessing some innate intelligence, but through more mundane things like good time management, writing more than one draft, and really just buckling down and working on something. You may feel passionate about what you are doing sometimes (and that's a great thing), but a lot of the time you might just have to accept that what is really required is to soldier through sometimes unpleasant or boring tasks.
Will be interested to see how others answer this question, because the issues you bring up are ones that I am still working on myself.
posted by thesnowyslaps at 7:49 PM on September 28, 2014 [2 favorites]
Best answer: For me, the one thing that I really pay attention to is my self-talk. Any time I'm saying to myself "I have to do self-care" or "I have to do schoolwork" or even "I have to watch my self-talk," the feeling of "have to" adds to my stress.
"Have to" isn't true. There is always a choice. For example, I could choose not to journal about my feelings in a particularly anxious moment. Of course, then I think through the consequences of not journaling, and I decide whether I would rather temporarily abandon all self-care strategies and wallow in anxiety, or call a friend instead of journaling, or whether I want to journal.
Another example: I could choose not to do my schoolwork in that moment. And then I think through the consequences of not doing it, and I decide whether it's worth staying up late and messing up my sleep schedule, or getting marked down for the assignment being late (or fill in other likely consequences), or whether I want to do the schoolwork.
The way I've written it may sound like the right answer is always to come around to wanting to do what you "have to" do. But it isn't. It really is OK to choose not to that thing, and watch what happens, and see how it feels, and not judge yourself but just use that as information to inform your choice the next time it comes up.
posted by Bentobox Humperdinck at 8:35 PM on September 28, 2014 [4 favorites]
"Have to" isn't true. There is always a choice. For example, I could choose not to journal about my feelings in a particularly anxious moment. Of course, then I think through the consequences of not journaling, and I decide whether I would rather temporarily abandon all self-care strategies and wallow in anxiety, or call a friend instead of journaling, or whether I want to journal.
Another example: I could choose not to do my schoolwork in that moment. And then I think through the consequences of not doing it, and I decide whether it's worth staying up late and messing up my sleep schedule, or getting marked down for the assignment being late (or fill in other likely consequences), or whether I want to do the schoolwork.
The way I've written it may sound like the right answer is always to come around to wanting to do what you "have to" do. But it isn't. It really is OK to choose not to that thing, and watch what happens, and see how it feels, and not judge yourself but just use that as information to inform your choice the next time it comes up.
posted by Bentobox Humperdinck at 8:35 PM on September 28, 2014 [4 favorites]
Some comments on the causes of your social anxiety:
"do I fit in with my other classmates or do they hate me?"
I was well into my thirties before I developed any self-esteem, and probably in my forties before I could genuinely say that I don't care if so-and-so likes me or not. Hopefully you will come to this realization sooner than I did! As long as you are a good and decent person, you shouldn't care if someone likes you or not. Anyone who matters will like you.
"Everything I write is a piece of shit."
Your grades will be the judge of this. If your grades are fine, then your writing is not shit.
"unless I start dating now, I am going to be single forever. I must attract the right man immediately"
You are giving off a desperation-vibe which will send men running in the opposite direction. If marriage is so important to you, be patient. You will meet someone in your day-to-day life. You don't need to be out searching.
Here is a quote from Marcus Aurelius: ""Get rid of the judgment, get rid of the 'I am hurt,' you are rid of the hurt itself."
posted by LauraJ at 1:40 PM on September 29, 2014
"do I fit in with my other classmates or do they hate me?"
I was well into my thirties before I developed any self-esteem, and probably in my forties before I could genuinely say that I don't care if so-and-so likes me or not. Hopefully you will come to this realization sooner than I did! As long as you are a good and decent person, you shouldn't care if someone likes you or not. Anyone who matters will like you.
"Everything I write is a piece of shit."
Your grades will be the judge of this. If your grades are fine, then your writing is not shit.
"unless I start dating now, I am going to be single forever. I must attract the right man immediately"
You are giving off a desperation-vibe which will send men running in the opposite direction. If marriage is so important to you, be patient. You will meet someone in your day-to-day life. You don't need to be out searching.
Here is a quote from Marcus Aurelius: ""Get rid of the judgment, get rid of the 'I am hurt,' you are rid of the hurt itself."
posted by LauraJ at 1:40 PM on September 29, 2014
This only helps with a small part of what you're describing, but something I find freeing when I am caught in a maelstrom of anxiety about writing is to write something bad. I will try to write the worst poem I can think of, or come up with the worst fiction plot or song lyrics. It's pretty freeing to give myself space to suck.
posted by mermaidcafe at 3:51 PM on September 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by mermaidcafe at 3:51 PM on September 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
The book Feeling Good: A New Mood Therapy is specifically about how to handle negative thoughts. Cannot recommend it enough.
posted by callmejay at 10:12 AM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by callmejay at 10:12 AM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]
I read a Constructive Living by David Reynolds this week after someone else recommended it on another thread and found it really interesting.
It's a Western take on the principles of Morita Therapy, but what I found interesting about it was the focus on the present, staying busy, not overly worrying about making plans but doing things that need to be done and working on action over intention.
Though I'm miles better now, as someone who previously struggled with depression and anxiety and tortured by repetitive cycles of rumination I thought this approach to things was very simple and quite powerful and brings together a lot of my uncodified thoughts from my own recovery.
If you're looking for something to read I can really recommend it.
posted by Middlemarch at 10:55 AM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]
It's a Western take on the principles of Morita Therapy, but what I found interesting about it was the focus on the present, staying busy, not overly worrying about making plans but doing things that need to be done and working on action over intention.
Though I'm miles better now, as someone who previously struggled with depression and anxiety and tortured by repetitive cycles of rumination I thought this approach to things was very simple and quite powerful and brings together a lot of my uncodified thoughts from my own recovery.
If you're looking for something to read I can really recommend it.
posted by Middlemarch at 10:55 AM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]
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I am taking medication while also doing talk therapy, which I find to be a good combination for me. Also, yoga has helped me be more comfortable in my body. It also teaches me to be present. I used to be one of those people that worried all of the time, even in the shower. One thing to practice is this: next time you are showering, focus on the way the water feels, how your soap smells, how nice and warm your towel is when you exit. Try to be present. Practice this every day, just for five or ten minutes.
Take care.
posted by sockermom at 7:46 PM on September 28, 2014