How do I meet men?
September 28, 2014 4:53 PM Subscribe
I’m pretty and smart and friendly and funny, but I’m also fat and older. What hope is there for me? How can I meet men?
I am in my mid-fifties and have been single for 13 years. I am very overweight and have a distinctly post-menopausal body, but I have come to feel better about my looks and have actually begun to believe that it’s possible for someone to find me attractive. But I know I don’t look good on paper, which means online sources don’t work for me. I just don’t look good in still pictures. I’ve tried different sites several times over the years, and I’ve had almost no responses (the ones I did receive were from inappropriate sources; men hundreds of miles away or 30 years younger than me and I got the distinct feeling that they were the kinds of guys who will troll overweight women, believing them to be “easy”—so used to rejection that they’ll consider anyone). I think I would have much better odds if men can see me in real life, talking, laughing, gesturing, listening. The problem is: my life just does not put me in the path of unmarried, age-appropriate men.
I don’t have many friends and have very few opportunities to socialize. My very few friends are married women with kids, all met when we had young kids together and hung out in family units. And I hardly ever see them; we’ll meet once or maybe twice a month for coffee during the day, and a couple of them I see only 3 or 4 times a year. Our friendships are all rather formalized and lack intimacy. We mostly talk about our kids. No one I know has parties or group events or even hangs out at all with single people. Occasionally one of my friends will make little noises about how nice it would be if I met someone, and I’ll make noises letting them know that I’m open to it, but it never goes further than that. In the past I have suggested going out for drinks, either spontaneously or more planned, but none of them has ever wanted to do that. A couple of times I have tried to plan my own little cocktail or dinner or brunch party at home, but no one is ever available.
Almost all my time is spent at home, where I live with with my teenage son, watching TV or hanging out on my computer. When I go out to eat or see a movie, I go alone. I am a full-time student, in my last semester of school before I graduate with my bachelors this December. I go to a large urban, commuter, public school. The student population is relatively diverse, but I would guess at least 90% of them are under 30. I’m friendly with my classmates, but naturally they don’t want to socialize with me outside of class. I’m the same age as or older than their mothers! I have never seen any older men students there, just a few older women, like me. The only age-appropriate men (say, mid-40s to early 60s), on campus are teachers which of course is not an option. And they’re not exactly throwing me lustful glances.
I’m pretty and smart and friendly and funny, but I’m also fat and older. What hope is there for me? How can I meet men?
I am in my mid-fifties and have been single for 13 years. I am very overweight and have a distinctly post-menopausal body, but I have come to feel better about my looks and have actually begun to believe that it’s possible for someone to find me attractive. But I know I don’t look good on paper, which means online sources don’t work for me. I just don’t look good in still pictures. I’ve tried different sites several times over the years, and I’ve had almost no responses (the ones I did receive were from inappropriate sources; men hundreds of miles away or 30 years younger than me and I got the distinct feeling that they were the kinds of guys who will troll overweight women, believing them to be “easy”—so used to rejection that they’ll consider anyone). I think I would have much better odds if men can see me in real life, talking, laughing, gesturing, listening. The problem is: my life just does not put me in the path of unmarried, age-appropriate men.
I don’t have many friends and have very few opportunities to socialize. My very few friends are married women with kids, all met when we had young kids together and hung out in family units. And I hardly ever see them; we’ll meet once or maybe twice a month for coffee during the day, and a couple of them I see only 3 or 4 times a year. Our friendships are all rather formalized and lack intimacy. We mostly talk about our kids. No one I know has parties or group events or even hangs out at all with single people. Occasionally one of my friends will make little noises about how nice it would be if I met someone, and I’ll make noises letting them know that I’m open to it, but it never goes further than that. In the past I have suggested going out for drinks, either spontaneously or more planned, but none of them has ever wanted to do that. A couple of times I have tried to plan my own little cocktail or dinner or brunch party at home, but no one is ever available.
Almost all my time is spent at home, where I live with with my teenage son, watching TV or hanging out on my computer. When I go out to eat or see a movie, I go alone. I am a full-time student, in my last semester of school before I graduate with my bachelors this December. I go to a large urban, commuter, public school. The student population is relatively diverse, but I would guess at least 90% of them are under 30. I’m friendly with my classmates, but naturally they don’t want to socialize with me outside of class. I’m the same age as or older than their mothers! I have never seen any older men students there, just a few older women, like me. The only age-appropriate men (say, mid-40s to early 60s), on campus are teachers which of course is not an option. And they’re not exactly throwing me lustful glances.
I’m pretty and smart and friendly and funny, but I’m also fat and older. What hope is there for me? How can I meet men?
I can relate to the feeling of not digging still pictures of myself! One solution is just to take lots of photos. How about paying a photographer to hang out for an hour or so with you and take a whole bunch? Not cheesy mall glamour pics, just ordinary candid photos that give you a good pool that you and a mate can choose the best from.
The reason I think this is worth a shot is because the pool of people is just so, much, vastly bigger online – and not only bigger, but sortable by your preferences. This means that your chances of meeting someone single and compatible are, IMO, vastly greater than your chances of running into someone at a friend's dinner party or at the university cafeteria or whatever. Especially the case if you don't have all that many IRL friends.
posted by dontjumplarry at 5:11 PM on September 28, 2014
The reason I think this is worth a shot is because the pool of people is just so, much, vastly bigger online – and not only bigger, but sortable by your preferences. This means that your chances of meeting someone single and compatible are, IMO, vastly greater than your chances of running into someone at a friend's dinner party or at the university cafeteria or whatever. Especially the case if you don't have all that many IRL friends.
posted by dontjumplarry at 5:11 PM on September 28, 2014
Is there a student group for non-traditional students? As a 28-year old getting my BA, I was part of such a group and ended up meeting my current partner (another non-traditional student) and being able to socialize through this group. It's the only real way to get to know other students in your demographic range. And if there isn't such a group, it's a great thing to start this kind of group! Our organization was only started the semester I started at school, and a year later I was on the executive board. It was great for connections to school administrators and future leadership opportunities.
posted by DoubleLune at 5:22 PM on September 28, 2014
posted by DoubleLune at 5:22 PM on September 28, 2014
This may seem unappealing, but both my mother and aunt are in their late 50's, and they get hit on a lot at bars by (age appropriate) men if they're by themselves and having a beer. They're both overweight, and it doesn't even matter if they're wearing makeup or not. Both are married and clearly have their wedding rings on, and look annoyed when approached, and it still happens. They still get hit on by lots of lonely men looking for companionship. I guess they just look like friendly ladies.
If it matters, Mom likes to go listen to the jam sessions on sunday afternoons at the local blues bar. I actually think this might be a fun option for you though. I'd give it a shot, in your shoes.
posted by lizbunny at 5:30 PM on September 28, 2014 [10 favorites]
If it matters, Mom likes to go listen to the jam sessions on sunday afternoons at the local blues bar. I actually think this might be a fun option for you though. I'd give it a shot, in your shoes.
posted by lizbunny at 5:30 PM on September 28, 2014 [10 favorites]
It can be VERY hit or miss, but if you haven't tried Craigslist, you might give it a try. Since people don't always have pictures, or exchange pictures a bit later in the game instead of having it all out there like on OKCupid/Match, it might work better for you.
Also, perhaps meetups (on meetup.com) for single folks? Or post on craigslist trying to get together an activities group for single folks in your age range?
posted by needs more cowbell at 6:14 PM on September 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
Also, perhaps meetups (on meetup.com) for single folks? Or post on craigslist trying to get together an activities group for single folks in your age range?
posted by needs more cowbell at 6:14 PM on September 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
In your shoes, I would try getting involved in activities in your local community or campus that have other people your age, and ask your friends for help.
Does your area have an active craigslist board? You might want to try a book club or other activity you're interested in. Or, I'm very involved in civic activities in my community (local nonprofits and political groups) and most of the people at those meetings are in their 50s and 60s. In fact, most of my friends in town are much older than me because of this.
As for asking your friends, I know they're not close friends and you've mentioned you'd like to meet someone, but I would email one of them or next time you see them in person, come right out and say that you'd really like to start dating again, and would love it if they could fix you up with someone. Even say that you're open to meeting friends of friends. If you enlist them personally and ask for help, instead of just saying you're open to meeting someone, they might make more of an effort to ask around on your behalf.
posted by chickenmagazine at 6:16 PM on September 28, 2014 [3 favorites]
Does your area have an active craigslist board? You might want to try a book club or other activity you're interested in. Or, I'm very involved in civic activities in my community (local nonprofits and political groups) and most of the people at those meetings are in their 50s and 60s. In fact, most of my friends in town are much older than me because of this.
As for asking your friends, I know they're not close friends and you've mentioned you'd like to meet someone, but I would email one of them or next time you see them in person, come right out and say that you'd really like to start dating again, and would love it if they could fix you up with someone. Even say that you're open to meeting friends of friends. If you enlist them personally and ask for help, instead of just saying you're open to meeting someone, they might make more of an effort to ask around on your behalf.
posted by chickenmagazine at 6:16 PM on September 28, 2014 [3 favorites]
Like lizbunny, I've found that many of the single men our age are musicians! And are so open to finding companionship. A lot of them hang out at the "in the round" singer/songwriter nights at our local pubs. Maybe find something like this close to you and become a regular. The women there will actually be on your side, so make friends with them first if you need to. You don't have to drink, just listen, strike up conversations, and be open to making new friends.
posted by raisingsand at 7:35 PM on September 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by raisingsand at 7:35 PM on September 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
"Almost all my time is spent at home" ... "I have tried to plan my own little cocktail or dinner or brunch party at home, but no one is ever available."
You sound like you really enjoy hanging out at home. Good for you, but-- in terms of meeting men? THIS is the real impediment to you, OP, not your weight or your age. You've got to leave your house more!
Get out of the house, practice talking to people (I mean not just talking to men - practice friendly banter and putting out your friendliest "come talk to me" vibe), and making EYE CONTACT. Bars are excellent places for this, just like @lizbunny here said.
posted by hush at 8:00 PM on September 28, 2014 [5 favorites]
You sound like you really enjoy hanging out at home. Good for you, but-- in terms of meeting men? THIS is the real impediment to you, OP, not your weight or your age. You've got to leave your house more!
Get out of the house, practice talking to people (I mean not just talking to men - practice friendly banter and putting out your friendliest "come talk to me" vibe), and making EYE CONTACT. Bars are excellent places for this, just like @lizbunny here said.
posted by hush at 8:00 PM on September 28, 2014 [5 favorites]
If you're at all interested in gaming (board games, card games, role-playing games, any games!) you might try attending Games Days in your local area. It will allow you to meet a bunch of different people and interact with them in a fun and friendly environment. It's better than a bar because extended interaction is built in and no one has to risk rejection in order to go up to someone blind.
Unfortunately I don't know specific ones that exist in MA. I go to ones at various locations of Games Clubs of Maryland (which, despite the name, has locations in other states too, just not MA). You could look on meetup or on craigslist, or even just email GCOM and ask if they know of any groups in MA.
There are also regional and national competitions and conventions that might be worth going to.
Or really any convention would be a way of meeting people. Maybe join a professional association for the area you will be getting your BA in, and then attend their yearly convention?
posted by mysterious_stranger at 10:12 PM on September 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
Unfortunately I don't know specific ones that exist in MA. I go to ones at various locations of Games Clubs of Maryland (which, despite the name, has locations in other states too, just not MA). You could look on meetup or on craigslist, or even just email GCOM and ask if they know of any groups in MA.
There are also regional and national competitions and conventions that might be worth going to.
Or really any convention would be a way of meeting people. Maybe join a professional association for the area you will be getting your BA in, and then attend their yearly convention?
posted by mysterious_stranger at 10:12 PM on September 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
I wouldn't wait for friends to set you up -- sounds like they're busy or tapped out. So, you've got to make it happen. There are events that happen in your city, groups that meet; seek out ones that appeal to you, mingle, talk.
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:44 PM on September 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:44 PM on September 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
Consider volunteering.
Places that may contain a disproportionate number of eligible men in their mid-40s to early 60s might include: bike collectives, Habitat for Humanity, ReStore.
posted by aniola at 12:22 AM on September 29, 2014 [2 favorites]
Places that may contain a disproportionate number of eligible men in their mid-40s to early 60s might include: bike collectives, Habitat for Humanity, ReStore.
posted by aniola at 12:22 AM on September 29, 2014 [2 favorites]
Why don't you try an old fashioned matchmaking service? Yes, you have to pay them but they do all the legwork for you, you just have to turn up. Could be fun...
posted by Jubey at 3:36 AM on September 29, 2014
posted by Jubey at 3:36 AM on September 29, 2014
If you don't look good in still pictures - maybe upload a video?
posted by Mistress at 5:01 AM on September 29, 2014
posted by Mistress at 5:01 AM on September 29, 2014
Seconding meetup.com. Plenty of unmarried older men, especially if you choose the right groups.
posted by smackfu at 5:57 AM on September 29, 2014
posted by smackfu at 5:57 AM on September 29, 2014
I’m pretty and smart and friendly and funny, but I’m also fat and older.
I see a contradiction here: either you feel pretty, or you don't. If you do, then being fat or older shouldn't come into play. I am gay man in my late 40's, which in the gay world is equivalent to being 65 years old, and i'm not a hunk. Yet, there's an air of confidence in me that attracts men.
And I think the key is how you feel about yourself. If you feel fat, and you think it is undesirable, then shed a few pounds, exercise, and start feeling better about yourself. Do that before you can exude that sense of confidence which others find attractive.
One it done, go uut more, online, re
posted by Kwadeng at 7:10 AM on September 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
I see a contradiction here: either you feel pretty, or you don't. If you do, then being fat or older shouldn't come into play. I am gay man in my late 40's, which in the gay world is equivalent to being 65 years old, and i'm not a hunk. Yet, there's an air of confidence in me that attracts men.
And I think the key is how you feel about yourself. If you feel fat, and you think it is undesirable, then shed a few pounds, exercise, and start feeling better about yourself. Do that before you can exude that sense of confidence which others find attractive.
One it done, go uut more, online, re
posted by Kwadeng at 7:10 AM on September 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
When I was single and frustrated, I kind of flipped this problem around and reverse engineered it to suit my needs. I don't like leaving things too much to chance anymore if I can help it.
So after much thought, the question, for me, changed from: "Where can I meet men?" to "Where is my man going to be?"
Starting with the base line of qualities that I must have in a mate (honesty, compassion, stability, maturity, marriage minded, etc). Those things had to be a given. He had to be all those things when he showed up. Not perfect, but perfect for me.
I love to dance, it's the top answer when someone asks me what I do for fun, so I knew for a fact I would meet him out dancing. My ideal was definitely going to be out dancing and looking for me to dance with for the rest of our lives.
I like and appreciate a sharply dressed man, so I knew for a fact he'd be wearing a shirt with buttons. I knew what he WOULDN'T be wearing, as well.
I wasn't looking for a casual fling, so he would not be using the type of language used when one is looking for a casual fling. I wanted something serious. MY husband would be serious.
I had him pegged down to almost every last detail. My husband does this, my husband values that. He's this, he's that. He doesn't do this, he wouldn't do that.
Perhaps that would work for you? Where would your "perfect" mate be? What's he like? What does he do for fun? Would he be at the bowling alley (because you love bowling and want to bowl often with your mate?), or is he more likely to be at an Italian restaurant (because you love Italian food and want you and your mate to enjoy dining out?) Do you like bookish men the absolute best? Then he will be found at the library, bookstore, at school and other places books are found.
Think of the things you want in a mate, very specifically.
If you know exactly what you want, it makes it a lot easier to find him or to be found by him....Don't worry about old and overweight. The right person won't give a damn about old and overweight.
posted by Grlnxtdr at 10:58 AM on September 29, 2014 [5 favorites]
So after much thought, the question, for me, changed from: "Where can I meet men?" to "Where is my man going to be?"
Starting with the base line of qualities that I must have in a mate (honesty, compassion, stability, maturity, marriage minded, etc). Those things had to be a given. He had to be all those things when he showed up. Not perfect, but perfect for me.
I love to dance, it's the top answer when someone asks me what I do for fun, so I knew for a fact I would meet him out dancing. My ideal was definitely going to be out dancing and looking for me to dance with for the rest of our lives.
I like and appreciate a sharply dressed man, so I knew for a fact he'd be wearing a shirt with buttons. I knew what he WOULDN'T be wearing, as well.
I wasn't looking for a casual fling, so he would not be using the type of language used when one is looking for a casual fling. I wanted something serious. MY husband would be serious.
I had him pegged down to almost every last detail. My husband does this, my husband values that. He's this, he's that. He doesn't do this, he wouldn't do that.
Perhaps that would work for you? Where would your "perfect" mate be? What's he like? What does he do for fun? Would he be at the bowling alley (because you love bowling and want to bowl often with your mate?), or is he more likely to be at an Italian restaurant (because you love Italian food and want you and your mate to enjoy dining out?) Do you like bookish men the absolute best? Then he will be found at the library, bookstore, at school and other places books are found.
Think of the things you want in a mate, very specifically.
If you know exactly what you want, it makes it a lot easier to find him or to be found by him....Don't worry about old and overweight. The right person won't give a damn about old and overweight.
posted by Grlnxtdr at 10:58 AM on September 29, 2014 [5 favorites]
Nthing the earlier recommendations to go listen to live music. I almost never did that when I was single, but now that I do go, everything from big rock shows to little open mike events tend to have a lot of single men at them.
Because I'm in my 40's, I don't try to stay till the end of the show if it's late. And I'm going to more smaller shows where one could even say a thing or two to the other folks in between sets or songs or whatever. And there are more age appropriate men at these shows. So look around for inexpensive music - you'll at Least branch out in your musical taste, and might even meet some new friends.
posted by ldthomps at 11:11 AM on September 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
Because I'm in my 40's, I don't try to stay till the end of the show if it's late. And I'm going to more smaller shows where one could even say a thing or two to the other folks in between sets or songs or whatever. And there are more age appropriate men at these shows. So look around for inexpensive music - you'll at Least branch out in your musical taste, and might even meet some new friends.
posted by ldthomps at 11:11 AM on September 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by amro at 5:00 PM on September 28, 2014 [1 favorite]