Sorry, can't talk. Mouth full of foot.

September 28, 2014 11:19 AM

Yesterday at Safeway I ran into a fond acquaintance, Jen, whose shifts occasionally overlapped with mine when we both worked delivering pizza. Jen brought up the subject of our former colleague, Al, a very cool, very masculine woman who, the last we'd heard, had been diagnosed with breast cancer. Neither of us could remember Al's name. I did recall, however, that it seemed to befit her gruff personality. "Butch...?" I suggested. "Rocky?" Then, still thinking of boxing: "Lefty?"...

It wasn't until Jen gave me a strange look and mumbled, "Well, guess I'll see ya around," that I remembered Al's name... and the fact that she'd lost her right breast to a mastectomy.

I almost chased after her to clarify. Should I have done so? Should I call her?

Good God. I am such a douche.

posted by t(h)om(as) to Human Relations (14 answers total)

That sounds like a good use of email/text to clarify and express your belated realization of how your remark could have been interpreted and resulting embarrassment?
posted by angrycat at 11:26 AM on September 28, 2014

Yes, you should call her to clarify. Absolutely. You made an innocent mistake that sounded pretty bad. I've done the same thing (with very different specifics) and calling and talking it through was the right thing.

"Jen, I wanted to call you because after we spoke I was horrified to realize that I'd said something which sounded as though I was making a joke about [person's] cancer treatment. When I was trying to remember her name, I was reminded of nicknames for boxers, which was why I said "lefty". When I remembered the details of her treatment, I was deeply embarrassed to realize that it sounded like I'd been making a joke about her experience. I wanted to talk to you because I wanted to apologize for making a remark that must have been pretty unpleasant to hear. I would never make light of someone's health concerns and I'm very sorry to have given you such an unpleasant moment."

[Admittedly, I think this is taking on a little more blame than you strictly merit since it was just a total accident, but I think you need to do your best to remove any impression that you do think it's okay to make that kind of joke.)
posted by Frowner at 11:28 AM on September 28, 2014 [29 favorites]

I'm not 100% certain what question you are asking you may want to contact the mods about clarifying that. I'm going to go with "what should I do now?"

Contact her and apologize, this a situation where simply telling the truth will fix it. "I'm sorry about what I said about Al. I honestly could not remember her name, now that I do remember her name and circumstances; I'm sorry if what I said came off as a bad joke. Maybe it didn't, but I'm feeling embarrassed and wanted to clear the air"
posted by French Fry at 11:29 AM on September 28, 2014

I would also go for a simple text/email. Do not try to explain - it will only make things worse. Just "Just remembered her last name is __. Apologies for my random guessing - some of them seem a little insensitive in hindsight. {and then add something positive about Al that shows respect}
posted by metahawk at 11:30 AM on September 28, 2014 [5 favorites]

This sounds like a let it go situation that will only be exacerbated in awkwardness by you trying to rectify it.
posted by c'mon sea legs at 11:30 AM on September 28, 2014 [3 favorites]

It might depend how close you are with this person- do you have a texting relationship? If so, you could send her a short text saying something like "It was great to run into you the other day. I realized that I said some unintentionally insensitive things when we were talking about Al. Ihope you realize I didn't mean to be offensive".

Honestly, though,if Jo knows what kind of person you are, they should know that you wouldn't make such a cruel joke. Maybe she was acting weird because she felt embarrassed for you, not because she thinks you are insensitive. So this best thing might be to just let it go.
posted by bearette at 12:12 PM on September 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

Frowner's script, and yes, call. There's no need to immortalize your mortification by putting it in writing. Speak, and let it evaporate into the ether.

I feel your ugh.
posted by sageleaf at 12:16 PM on September 28, 2014 [3 favorites]

Somewhere in between what angrycat and Frowner say. I don't think one should be all too explicit, but to write a message along the lines of (stripped to the bones for illustration): "You should know that I belatedly noticed that you noticed that I hadn't noticed, and I am mortified" wouldn't be wrong.
Do this, absolutely. It spares you years of unexpectedly coming back to this in your mind when you least expect it.
posted by Namlit at 12:34 PM on September 28, 2014 [3 favorites]

I wouldn't worry too much about it. This stuff happens to all awkward hot messes, and if it burns bridges, c'est la vie.

My assumption, as a fellow awkward hot mess, is that most people either don't make these connections, forget them quickly, or forgive the occasional OH GOD I SAID THE WORST THING moment.

FWIW I'd be more nervous about "Butch" than "Lefty", but eh, whaddyagonnadoamirite

I'd send a text if it were a close friend, but the way you describe Jen, as an acquaintance you used to sometimes work with back in the day? I mean, worst case scenario someone you rarely see who you don't even describe as a friend now dislikes you.
posted by Sara C. at 12:37 PM on September 28, 2014 [7 favorites]

I think the whole "guessing boxer's names for a 'butch' acquaintance" exercise was insensitive, even before you got to Lefty. Save that schtick for people you know better. I'd go with bearette's line over Frowner's, and just leave "lefty" out of it, but not a bad idea to apologize.
posted by sweetkid at 12:40 PM on September 28, 2014 [10 favorites]

This does sound awkward and cringeworthy -- we've all been there. But since you don't really know Jen that well and it doesn't sound like you're in the same social group or will see each other again, I may just let it go. Doesn't mean you won't think about it and feel like an asshole, but I feel like this is pretty normal and you should try not to let it get to you. The explanation may only exacerbate the awkwardness, especially if she didn't actually make the connection you think you inadvertently made.

If you do decide you cannot live without making this right, I'd send her a note on Facebook or text (something casual, I guess) to say, "Hey, I know this is a little after the fact, but I realized that I inadvertently made what sounded like really insensitive comments about Al's cancer treatment." Explain as briefly as possible and say you're sorry. However, I have to admit, coming up with the name "Lefty" based on some random, tenuous relationship to boxing feels a little like a stretch. Whether you genuinely were thinking that way or not, if this woman had never boxed, there's a chance your explanation will sound like an excuse. Like you were making fun of her cancer treatment, realized it was douchey, and then came up with an excuse.

I have moments where I think back and I still cringe. But I pretty much guarantee the people I said them to or who were with me do not remember it, think about it or care about it. So I still think letting it go would be best.
posted by AppleTurnover at 1:03 PM on September 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I agree with c'mon sea legs. However, if you and Jen would ordinarily text each other, there's nothing wrong with a text saying "It was good to see you yesterday. BTW I remembered Al's name, it's Al. I hope I wasn't inadvertently a total ass trying to guess her name like that." A big apology would be even more awkward than what you already said. This is vague but also re-frames you as "decent person, not ass" in Jen's mind.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 1:06 PM on September 28, 2014 [7 favorites]

Are you Facebook friends? If so write a quick post:

Note to self, when trying to remember people's names, boxers are probably not the best sources of inspiration. Al and Jen, my apologies.

I find that a little self-deprecating humor is useful in these circumstances. That can also work as a text.

After that forgive yourself. We've all said stupid shit, and frankly, I don't think it was all that terrible.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:10 PM on September 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Thanks for all your advice. I agree, AppleTurnover, that if I were to play up the excuse bit, no matter how loudly I might claim innocence with the Butch/Lefty thing- and I do, loudly, claim innocence with the Butch/Lefty thing- it probably sounds like I'm making up the "boxer" associations after the fact. I dunno that I'd believe me.

Your response, DestinationUnknown, is perfect. I'm going to quote you verbatim in my text. Thank you.
posted by t(h)om(as) at 2:21 PM on September 28, 2014 [1 favorite]