Strippin' for my money or me? How do I find him now?
September 24, 2014 12:12 AM   Subscribe

I think I was hit on by a stripper / dancer over this past weekend, but I'm not sure if he wanted me or just my wallet. If he was looking for love, I'd like to find him but I don't think I have many options to do so. Wall of text inside.

throwaway email: lookingforagaystripper@gmail.com

Some background info for this story: I am a mid-30s GAM (Gay Asian Male) with very little dating, romance and even sexual experiences, living in an area of the US with few minorities and also where being gay is not always tolerated. This has made me feel an anomaly all my life, and also I find it difficult to connect with people for this reason...if there are even people to connect with, since most people here are only looking for no-strings fun. I rarely drink and if I do I usually would have just one drink. Also, the last time I went to a club, gay or otherwise, was in 2009, so I am rather unfamiliar with the club environment.

I am asking this question because I have related this story to a friend, who thinks the stripper just wanted to make money off of me, but I don't think so. It's a long story, but I figure most of it is important to figuring out the question.

So on Saturday I decided to visit the local gay club, seeing as I was already out on the town. I went alone, knowing it would be awkward for me to do so, but I have no friends to ask. My goal was to go, have a beer or two, dance a bit and just have a good time.

They had a show featuring drag queens and strippers as I drank my first beer. I enjoyed the entertainment and didn't think much of the strippers until after the show was over and I had danced a bit. Since I rarely get to enjoy such times as this, I figured I would live it up a bit and tip the strippers to show my appreciation. Normally I wouldn't do such a thing...I'm usually a stingy and selfish scrooge.

I waited for them to be free and walked over directly from the dance floor. After I tipped them $5 each one of them jumped down from the bar counter where they had been dancing and started talking to me. I can't remember exactly what he said, but I do remember he told me to be confident, presumably because I was alone and also I looked a bit older with my bald spot. (Gay culture does not look favorable on the older guys, for those who don't know.) He asked me my age, told me his (32) and also mentioned that his hair was receding too. I remember very clearly him pulling his hair back to show me his hairline and me touching his head. He also mentioned that it was a slow night for him and his fellow stripper...I remember him saying the words "tip more", but I can't remember if he specifically asked me to tip more or not.

After that I ordered another beer, drank and danced some more. I specifically asked for $5 bills when I ordered, as I planned to tip them again before I left. The strippers had a break, then came back out to dance some more. Soon the crowd was thinning and it was last call. I was ready to leave anyway, so I once again left the dance floor and approached the strippers so I could tip them and leave.

The one who spoke to me before was talking with someone at the time; he asked me to let him finish with him first. "I have a surprise for you," he told me; these are words I very clearly remember. So I waited a few seconds as he finished talking -- then he got off the bar counter, stepped behind me and started dancing, groping me from behind and kissing my ear and neck too. I slipped another $5 into his briefs. Perhaps he wanted to treat me special since I apparently tipped him so much...but he called me "cute". Then he told me he wanted to kiss me and I naturally nodded; he explained that he doesn't kiss people that often since you can never know what germs they might have (his words paraphrased), but that he wanted to kiss me. I agreed to let him, and he very deliberately planted one on my lips. After that I think he wanted to buy me a beer, though I couldn't hear clearly so possibly he wanted me to buy him one. I said something about having had enough for the night. He asked me to follow him outside, where there are picnic tables and quieter place to talk (again, his words paraphrased).

I followed him out. He had some friends waiting for him there, so he started chatting with them. I left him to talk, telling him I'd wait for him at one of the tables. In a couple of minutes he came over and sat down beside me, lit up a cigarette and started talking. Talking about how he started his own exotic dancing company, when the company he originally was working for screwed him over. About how he's actually Middle Eastern and speaks Arabic (and supposedly spoke some to me, none of which I could understand). About how he's in the military. Clearly he was trying to impress me. All the while we never touched each other; I barely spoke and just absorbed his words.

In a short while a drag queen came over and had to speak to him. I went back inside and when I saw he and the drag queen re-enter and head to the back, I didn't know how much longer he would take and I was really far too tired. I asked a bartender for some paper and a pen to write him a note. When I finished I asked the bartender to give it to him, but he told me that he and the other bartenders don't know the strippers well and wouldn't know who to give it to, but he said he'd try his best to find the right one. After that I left; at the time I should have thought twice and stayed, but I was ready for bed and uncertain how long I could wait.

The questions
1) Was this guy actually interested in me, or was he just wanting to offer me, erm, services? I thought he was interested, but I had had a couple beers which might have influenced my impression of things. I feel that we had a connection, being that we are both of minority races and of a similar age range, and we are both losing our hair. Sure, he groped me a bit, but he also gave me what appeared to be a very sincere kiss and we also got to converse a little (admittedly mainly just him talking to me), during which time we acted like civilized beings. Maybe he saw me as easy prey since I was alone...but he didn't treat me like he was on the hunt.

2) How can I find this guy again? Obviously I could return to the club in hopes of seeing him there performing again, but that would be hit-or-miss. The bartenders say they have no clue who the dancers are; being it a small local establishment I doubt there is a managerial type to ask. I suppose I could comb through all the gay personal sites online as I remember many of his physical features (naturally) and know some details but that would take forever and is also hit-or-miss; he might or might not have a profile on said websites. I have put up Craigslist ads, but those all depend on whether the right people see them or not. He told me the name of the stripper/ dancer company he started, but I googled it and the website for the company no longer exists. He is in the military currently with the reserves and I know he is deploying soon, but I do not resemble which company...and even if I did, how can that help me? The best I could do is find the club's email, and so I have sent them a message.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (16 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
 
Stripper chiming in. I can't tell at all if the guy was hitting on you for real or trying to pick you up as an escorting client, mostly because of the drunkenness involved: you don't remember a lot of things clearly, and he sounds like he was inebriated as well. He could have been really into you and felt the same "oh my god, a normal human I can talk to" that you did, or that club could have a culture of really, really pushy and physical workers. Both are equally likely, imo, although I doubt the guy had any kind of malicious intent to screw you over/out of your money; he probably did like you on some level and enjoy spending time with you even if he was primarily working and thought you wanted that level of physical contact. I also want to bring up that it's completely possible you guys really did have a connection and he was interested in you as a prospective client, and that kind of balancing act between a personal and transactional relationship might not be something you are comfortable with navigating, especially if you're inexperienced in love and are lacking a support structure of friends. I think the best way to go forward if you want to get a better feel for what happened would be to go back to the bar, to get a better sense of the local culture, to get more experience for yourself being in queer spaces, and to meet new people-- it's probably also your best chance at finding a lead on your dancer, if that's something you want to pursue. I would honestly suggest trying to make friends and widen your circle as a primary goal, either at this gay bar or through meetups, as well as or instead of just chasing this possible complicated romantic lead.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 1:01 AM on September 24, 2014 [17 favorites]


I'm sorry, honey, but I think you need to calm down and maybe let this go. I have a feeling this meeting was a much bigger deal to you than it was to him. (That's not meant as any slight on you! For all I know you may be utterly charming and gorgeous, but this guy is a stripper and he sounds like an extroverted fellow with a wide social circle, and you seem lonely and yearning.)

If you really want to pursue this guy, I say go back to the club once or twice and hope you see him again, but don't put any more energy into it than that. You already sent the email, and anything more risks coming across as creepy or stalker-y. (It really pains me to say this stuff, but I am an introvert and a lonely person and if I was ever trying to track down a stripper I kissed in a club I hope somebody would let me know if I was crossing the line.)

It may well be that he found you attractive, and maybe there's something there. But you were giving him fives and you were both drunk and... for like a dozen reasons, I don't think this is the way to find the kind of companionship you're looking for. If somebody you cared about told you this story, just as you've told it, what would you think?

I think you need to dive deep into online dating, and maybe get your ass out to one of the coasts. Come to LA. We've got gay dudes all over the place, and we'd be glad to have ya!
posted by Ursula Hitler at 1:10 AM on September 24, 2014 [28 favorites]


"The bartenders say they have no clue who the dancers are; being it a small local establishment I doubt there is a managerial type to ask." This is not true. Someone is writing a paycheck. In fact I call bullshit here.

Nothing wrong of course with services so long as it's by mutual agreement, and you aren't the first person to become enamored of someone whose job it is to be attractive, but this sounds really dangerous, at least emotionally, and I think your vulnerability and lonlieness and feelings of isolation might be affecting your judgement.

This is of course just my opinion.

So decide on 1) and how comfortable you would be with just services before you decide to pursue 2)
posted by vapidave at 1:12 AM on September 24, 2014 [4 favorites]


WRT the managerial types: they exist, but they are not going to release this guy's personal information to you or any other customer for safety reasons. Most dancers work as "independent contractors" for tips only; paycheck clubs are very rare. The bartenders/managers are going to say "we have no clue" to any customer asking about the personal info of a dancer because of the risk of stalking. But this seems like an unnecessary clarification-- I wish I could fav Ursula Hitler's comment more than once. It sounds like you are lonely and isolated and looking for a connection, and a drunk/party/stripping scene does not sound like the best place to find one.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 1:26 AM on September 24, 2014 [6 favorites]


"WRT the managerial types: they exist, but they are not going to release this guy's personal information to you or any other customer for safety reasons."

Just a note here. My statement was in response to the person attempting to pass along a note, not a request for personal information.
posted by vapidave at 1:43 AM on September 24, 2014


You sound like a really sweet guy. I think this stripper was just making chit chat with you, his job is to be friendly. The surprise kiss and touching sounds like a kind of "reward" for your tips, him showing his appreciation in this way is pretty normal.

I don't think unfortunately that this guy is into you based on your description. But I would recommend trying to become a regular at the club, going the same night each week. You don't have to drink much if you don't want to. You can start to make friends with the staff and other regulars that way; once you have a couple of friends, they can introducing you into their wider circles.
posted by dave99 at 3:22 AM on September 24, 2014


I have related this story to a friend, who thinks the stripper just wanted to make money off of me, but I don't think so.

He was working. Of course he wanted to make money off of you. He wanted to make money off of all of the customers. Not to take advantage of you, but because it's his job. To be attractive, charming, friendly, complimentary ... all of that is his job, and he gets paid in tips. Customers who go to strip clubs agree to that social contract when they respond to attention and compliments with five-dollar bills.

This happens to people in service jobs all the time -- and stripping is a service job. They are pleasant to customers and the customers mis-read the pleasantness as personal connection. I point out that that's what you're doing without judgment -- it must be easy to do since it happens so often.

I went alone, knowing it would be awkward for me to do so, but I have no friends to ask.

I think it's pretty great that you went alone. That's socially brave and a lot of people wouldn't, so good job. I would suggest focusing on the friends and social circle -- build that up and you won't feel as drawn to strangers who are working for tips.
posted by headnsouth at 5:59 AM on September 24, 2014 [9 favorites]


Oh whoah wait a minute, on reread, this wasn't even a strip club, it was a performance night featuring a strip/drag show at the local gay bar? Yeah, this guy was totally trying to hook up with you. The whole making out on the dance floor thing is pretty extreme ime for someone who is working, and it sounds like this guy wasn't even a professional. If he was there as part of a performance group doing a show, the bartenders were probably not lying about having no idea who he was. Also, again on a closer read, it looks like you tipped him twice with $5 instead of making it rain bills, and I feel stupid for going along with your friends and stereotyping him as a potential escort; I think anyone suggesting that this dude was only making out with you for your ten bucks is severely overestimating the greed of people who take off their clothes for a living. Again, I don't know if the high drama drinking/party scene is for you, but I'm going to say that yes, this guy was actually into you. Whether that makes it more possible to pursue him or just gives you confidence in jumping into having a bigger presence in the queer community and further dating is for you to decide. Good luck.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 6:47 AM on September 24, 2014 [6 favorites]


If he really liked you, why didn't he give you his number? Presuming you had a phone on you?
posted by discopolo at 7:15 AM on September 24, 2014 [1 favorite]


this wasn't even a strip club, it was a performance night

That's what jumped out at me, too. It's a big difference. The OP muddied the waters by describing the person as a "stripper," because that's a particular thing, and the details sound like this situation may have been something different.

...which illustrates what I'd take away from this question if I were you, OP. You don't feel comfortable trusting your firsthand impression of events because you were buzzed, so you're relying on friends and Internet strangers to interpret your not-optimal articulation of your buzzed memory? Not a great plan. Sometimes you have to accept uncertainty. Sometimes you won't know what happened, or why. Learn to shrug and move on to the next thing—or you risk missing the next thing because you were distracted trying to analyze the last one.

Ursula Hitler has good advice. "I wish I could reconnect with that person who was maybe hitting on me" is something all of us have felt. Seriously: all of us have been there. On the other hand, "How can I do it? I'm gonna try" is a step further that's not always wise. You have to make the call yourself, but in doing it, try to tap some wisdom. Good luck.
posted by cribcage at 7:15 AM on September 24, 2014 [3 favorites]


I think it's great that you went out and tried to get more involved in the gay community, especially if you have always felt like a bit of an outcast.

This stripper situation sounds to me like a flirty, outgoing guy got buzzed and chatted you up. I don't think you should pursue this, but you shouldn't feel bad about it either! A cute guy thought you were cute too and that's great!

I think the best way to use this experience is to accept it at face value and let it built your confidence as you pursue the type of more meaningful relationship you seem to want (judging by your question). I fear that if you followed up on this kiss, it would have the opposite result and probably make you feel bitter/sad. Take it for what it is and don't overthink it.
posted by cranberrymonger at 7:20 AM on September 24, 2014 [8 favorites]


I think whether he's interested in you or not it would be unhealthy for you to try and pursue this. It can be difficult for people with lots of romantic experience to handle dating someone whose job it is to be friendly/flirty/sexual with others. For someone with little to no romantic experience, it would be a minefield. So chalk this up as an ego boost and move on.

Keep going to the club by all means--going alone suggests you're breaking through barriers. That's good! Make friends--talk to whoever; this dude you're having a conversation with may not be interested in you, but he may well have a friend who is. Lots of people, at least historically, meet lasting romantic (as opposed to hookup) partners through friends, and I get the sense you're looking for something more long term than an awkward breakfast the next morning.

If there's any kind of non-club/non-hookup gay group in your area (and there probably is! There's likely a bulletin board or something near the entrance of the club; a lot of gay clubs function as ersatz community hubs), investigate it. Make more friends!
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:42 AM on September 24, 2014 [1 favorite]


Yeah, I'd echo the advice to keep going to the club, especially if they have regular drag performance nights. I'm a little biased writing this from WeHo, but drag shows are usually a regular thing with a bit of a circuit — you can catch the same people on multiple nights at multiple places. (And drag shows are fun too.) Then hey, maybe you hook up with him, maybe you get to meet one of his friends (like fffm suggested), but in any event you're connecting with people making art in the LGBTQ community and that's always cool.
posted by klangklangston at 10:58 AM on September 24, 2014 [1 favorite]


A stripper's job isn't to take their clothes off. A stripper's job is to make you feel special. You feel special. The stripper did their job and got paid for it.

If a stripper wants an outside-the-workplace relationship with you, the onus is on the stripper to share their contact information. He didn't share, therefore you have no right to pursue.

If you go back, you might find that you get the exact same "special" treatment but the same stripper doesn't even recall that you met before.

There's also the potential for being taken advantage of here. It seems as if you have a strong aura of lonlieness. This stripper or another person someday is going to read that and manipulate you into a bad situation. The bit about pointing out your hairline was a neg -- a manipulation -- so that the pursuer could tear you down and build you up.

People who carry themselves with confidence attract self-confident others. If you're struggling with confidence but attracting outgoing people... I'm sorry to say, but it's not because they see you as one of the lions. It's because they see you as the gazelle.

The motivation of the stripper may be tips, it may be escort work or it may even be a lop-sided, manipulative sexual relationship, but I don't see that it's a desire for simple dating. If you want something unequal, go for it, but if you want real relationship, it may be time for therapy and taking care of your self so that you can get to a point where you can meet men in uncomplicated ways.

When I was alone and inexperienced, I though that relationships had to be complicated. That there was secret meaning behind everything that I missed. That's not the case. If a man wants to see you again, he will give you his phone number.
posted by Skwirl at 12:10 PM on September 24, 2014 [1 favorite]


Mod note: This is a followup from the asker.
Sorry for the confusion all.

Oh whoah wait a minute, on reread, this wasn't even a strip club, it was a performance night featuring a strip/drag show at the local gay bar?

it sounds like this guy wasn't even a professional

it looks like you tipped him twice with $5 instead of making it rain bills

A stripper's job isn't to take their clothes off


Yes, this was not at a strip club, but at a local gay bar. They apparently have performance shows every weekend, maybe on both Fris and Sats but I would not know.

Yes, I only tipped him $10 total, 5 twice.

He took his clothes off during the performance, he danced on the bar counter, he has started his own exotic dance company... so I thought he was a stripper. But he is not "professional" in that it is not his sole means of support; he is also in the military.

I suppose I don't really know the difference between strippers and dancers. He danced AND stripped, so is he both?

If he really liked you, why didn't he give you his number?

We didn't reach the point where we could exchange information. We were outside talking, a drag queen came up and said she needed to speak to him kinda importantly, he asked me if they could, I said sure. They went to a corner, and seeing as it was time to close and they were ushering people back inside and through the door, I figured I better head back in too. Then when I saw him and the drag queen walk back into the bar straight to the back area, I realized he might need some time, maybe too much time for tired me...and then that is when I wrote that note (with my phone number) to have the bartender give to him.

UPDATE: somebody replied to my Craigslist ad and told me they were frequent patrons of this bar for 1-2 years and stopped going recently due to busyness. They told me that he rarely invites people out to the patio area. They are even friends with him on Facebook (!)...and I knew it was his page as not only is there a half-naked picture of him on his page (to recognize the tattoos), but the banner at the top has the name of his exotic dancing company. So I have taken the initiative and sent him a message there. We will see how it goes.
posted by cortex (staff) at 12:30 PM on September 24, 2014 [12 favorites]


Woohoo! Good luck, OP!
posted by small_ruminant at 7:24 PM on September 24, 2014 [2 favorites]


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