How to end things with a one night stand? (Campsite rule in effect)
September 23, 2014 11:01 PM Subscribe
I met someone from an online dating site, we didn't have much to talk about, but had fantastic sex. What's the right way to say "I'm not interested in pursuing this?"
The person I met is much younger, so I'd like to observe the campsite rule here. We met, things were mostly awkward, not much to talk about, etc, until [pronoun for other person] started initiating physical stuff. Then we had a lot of awesome sex, watched a movie, had a bunch more great sex, and went to sleep. In the morning, back to not much to talk about and general awkwardness.
Other than this one meeting, all communication has been through the dating site or text messages. Is it appropriate to "break up" via the main way we've been communicating? It feels to me like setting up a second physical meeting just to end things sends mixed messages.
How does one do this?
The person I met is much younger, so I'd like to observe the campsite rule here. We met, things were mostly awkward, not much to talk about, etc, until [pronoun for other person] started initiating physical stuff. Then we had a lot of awesome sex, watched a movie, had a bunch more great sex, and went to sleep. In the morning, back to not much to talk about and general awkwardness.
Other than this one meeting, all communication has been through the dating site or text messages. Is it appropriate to "break up" via the main way we've been communicating? It feels to me like setting up a second physical meeting just to end things sends mixed messages.
How does one do this?
Definitely don't set up an in person meeting to tell pronoun you are aren't interested in dating, it's not just a mixed message, it's unnecessarily cruel and rude.
Send a text about how you had a wonderful time but feel like you don't connect on a conversational level and wish them well, phrased in your own words.
But first -- think about if you are really sure about not pursuing something here. It seems like you really connected sexually with this person and that's not something to toss aside lightly, if that's something both of you would be interested in. Having a good sexual connection with a regular partner can potentially be a wonderful relationship/friendship in it's own right, and lead to a lot of personal exploration and growth even though it's not a dating relationship.
posted by yohko at 11:32 PM on September 23, 2014 [19 favorites]
Send a text about how you had a wonderful time but feel like you don't connect on a conversational level and wish them well, phrased in your own words.
But first -- think about if you are really sure about not pursuing something here. It seems like you really connected sexually with this person and that's not something to toss aside lightly, if that's something both of you would be interested in. Having a good sexual connection with a regular partner can potentially be a wonderful relationship/friendship in it's own right, and lead to a lot of personal exploration and growth even though it's not a dating relationship.
posted by yohko at 11:32 PM on September 23, 2014 [19 favorites]
I've no idea what the campsite rule is, but before texting "we're not right for each other", why not text "look I don't see this going anywhere but clearly we're very physical compatible; are you interested in just exploring that side of it?"
Don't look a great sex gift horse in the mouth... or something.
posted by modernnomad at 11:48 PM on September 23, 2014 [6 favorites]
Don't look a great sex gift horse in the mouth... or something.
posted by modernnomad at 11:48 PM on September 23, 2014 [6 favorites]
Just never talk to them again. Usually it's understood that a one night stand is just that, and nothing further is owed. You don't need to "break up", though you may want to have a "look, it was a one time thing, you're very nice/sexy/attractive, but I'm not in the right place in my life..." speech standing by just in case they are really insistently hanging on.
If you want to "observe the campsite rule", leave it a one night stand and don't try to pursue a purely physical or fuckbuddy relationship. Those rarely end well, and if there's already some question about whether you guys are a thing, breakups need to officially happen, etc, dragging things out it guaranteed to become a huge mess.
I wouldn't even go as far as to explain that you didn't hit it off on whatever level, or any specifics. Just don't engage. If asked, trot out something polite and mealymouthed about how you don't see a future there. I really really would not go into reasons, even innocuous ones like "I don't see a strong connection between us" or the like. For one thing, rejecting someone for Reasons is kind of rude, and for another thing, it comes off as kind of patronizing, like you're assuming the other person is in love with you now and incapable of understanding how one night stands work.
posted by Sara C. at 11:59 PM on September 23, 2014 [8 favorites]
If you want to "observe the campsite rule", leave it a one night stand and don't try to pursue a purely physical or fuckbuddy relationship. Those rarely end well, and if there's already some question about whether you guys are a thing, breakups need to officially happen, etc, dragging things out it guaranteed to become a huge mess.
I wouldn't even go as far as to explain that you didn't hit it off on whatever level, or any specifics. Just don't engage. If asked, trot out something polite and mealymouthed about how you don't see a future there. I really really would not go into reasons, even innocuous ones like "I don't see a strong connection between us" or the like. For one thing, rejecting someone for Reasons is kind of rude, and for another thing, it comes off as kind of patronizing, like you're assuming the other person is in love with you now and incapable of understanding how one night stands work.
posted by Sara C. at 11:59 PM on September 23, 2014 [8 favorites]
I'm unclear why you wouldn't wasn't to try hanging out with this person again. It sounds cozy and special.
Oh, wait. The age difference, right?
Gosh, I don't know what script to use because that sounds like a pretty intense date, overall.
I think whatever you say depends on how you left things when you parted.
If you said you'd get in touch - then yeah - you'll usage to let her know something.
Nthing you shouldn't give specifics, tho. That would be mean.
posted by jbenben at 12:14 AM on September 24, 2014
Oh, wait. The age difference, right?
Gosh, I don't know what script to use because that sounds like a pretty intense date, overall.
I think whatever you say depends on how you left things when you parted.
If you said you'd get in touch - then yeah - you'll usage to let her know something.
Nthing you shouldn't give specifics, tho. That would be mean.
posted by jbenben at 12:14 AM on September 24, 2014
Campsite Rule for those who were wondering.
posted by pharm at 1:54 AM on September 24, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by pharm at 1:54 AM on September 24, 2014 [2 favorites]
Okay, brief googling has taught me the "campsite rule" means to leave the younger partner in as good or better shape than before you had your encounter with them.
Leaving off the kind of icky ageist and anti-sex implications of all those assumptions, if you're just trying to be an exemplary person, in this scenario if you're primarily worried about your younger partner being "improved" by the experience you shared with no hard feelings or weird vagueness, you could send them a sort of thank you note equivalent text (or maybe message via that dating website, even.) One that says "Hey, thanks for the great sex!"
Then if they respond in a way that implies they'd like to try it again and you don't want to, or if they want to do a real social date thing and you're uninterested, you can say "Sorry, I'm not looking for anything beyond the one night. It wouldn't work out between us, but I'm glad I spent the time with you that I did." Reassure them that they didn't do anything wrong or that they should change anything about themselves.
Beyond that? Drop it. I wouldn't even really send the original "thanks for the fab sex" text, honestly, unless you're really truly worried they're feeling all mixed up about your evening together. Do you have any reason to think that? Are they a particularly anxious person? Did you leave on a weird note? Was there any reason they might have to think you didn't enjoy the sex when you really did? If you're saying no to these, just let it be, until they contact you.
posted by Mizu at 2:01 AM on September 24, 2014 [4 favorites]
Leaving off the kind of icky ageist and anti-sex implications of all those assumptions, if you're just trying to be an exemplary person, in this scenario if you're primarily worried about your younger partner being "improved" by the experience you shared with no hard feelings or weird vagueness, you could send them a sort of thank you note equivalent text (or maybe message via that dating website, even.) One that says "Hey, thanks for the great sex!"
Then if they respond in a way that implies they'd like to try it again and you don't want to, or if they want to do a real social date thing and you're uninterested, you can say "Sorry, I'm not looking for anything beyond the one night. It wouldn't work out between us, but I'm glad I spent the time with you that I did." Reassure them that they didn't do anything wrong or that they should change anything about themselves.
Beyond that? Drop it. I wouldn't even really send the original "thanks for the fab sex" text, honestly, unless you're really truly worried they're feeling all mixed up about your evening together. Do you have any reason to think that? Are they a particularly anxious person? Did you leave on a weird note? Was there any reason they might have to think you didn't enjoy the sex when you really did? If you're saying no to these, just let it be, until they contact you.
posted by Mizu at 2:01 AM on September 24, 2014 [4 favorites]
My experience has been that it is usually no contact at all. Took me a while to figure it out, but it's almost a default.
posted by b33j at 2:43 AM on September 24, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by b33j at 2:43 AM on September 24, 2014 [2 favorites]
If you want to have more sex with them (and why the hell not if they're down with it knowing full well you're not compatible any way other than that), then acknowledge when they reach out (if they do) that you don't see this being anything more than physical, but if they're down with just sex, then you'd like that.
posted by inturnaround at 4:09 AM on September 24, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by inturnaround at 4:09 AM on September 24, 2014 [3 favorites]
Absolutely do not set up a second date just to break up with someone you had one date with.
posted by J. Wilson at 6:47 AM on September 24, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by J. Wilson at 6:47 AM on September 24, 2014 [2 favorites]
Campsites are artificially made places that one uses and then should clean up. It's probably not a very healthy analogy for relationships, or dates.
Plus, you can't control someone else's behavior or reaction, so leaving them "better" is a goal that doesn't make much sense. You can control your own behavior, and you can act with integrity and kindness.
I think much of that will depend on who reached out to whom first and who would be reasonably expected to make the next contact if you were going to go out again. If that's not clear, then I think an email or text message along the lines of what fingersandtoes suggested would be both kind and honest.
posted by jaguar at 6:59 AM on September 24, 2014 [5 favorites]
Plus, you can't control someone else's behavior or reaction, so leaving them "better" is a goal that doesn't make much sense. You can control your own behavior, and you can act with integrity and kindness.
I think much of that will depend on who reached out to whom first and who would be reasonably expected to make the next contact if you were going to go out again. If that's not clear, then I think an email or text message along the lines of what fingersandtoes suggested would be both kind and honest.
posted by jaguar at 6:59 AM on September 24, 2014 [5 favorites]
I would not suggest a purely sexual relationship with someone you met via a "dating" site.
A one-night stand is how you are framing it. The other person may consider it an initial date. Nice message is all you need here so the other person doesn't wonder about another date.
Sex on a date requires some kind of follow-up. (Unless you decided during that date that there was no long-term potential but what the heck, why not salvage something from the evening.)
posted by Lesser Shrew at 8:35 AM on September 24, 2014 [1 favorite]
A one-night stand is how you are framing it. The other person may consider it an initial date. Nice message is all you need here so the other person doesn't wonder about another date.
Sex on a date requires some kind of follow-up. (Unless you decided during that date that there was no long-term potential but what the heck, why not salvage something from the evening.)
posted by Lesser Shrew at 8:35 AM on September 24, 2014 [1 favorite]
No date to break up, fo sho.
A quick email and leave it alone.
In the future, be 100% sure the person you're having sex with knows that it's just for the night. Some people think having sex means that it's a relationship, so they will be hurt if you hit it and quit it.
It will definiately turn some people off, but it is the right thing to do: "You know, I don't know that we have much of a connection here, but I do feel some sexual sparks. If you're up for it, I'd love to go to bed with you."
That way, you don't have guilt or regret or hurt someone who's going about relationships the wrong way.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:21 AM on September 24, 2014 [5 favorites]
A quick email and leave it alone.
In the future, be 100% sure the person you're having sex with knows that it's just for the night. Some people think having sex means that it's a relationship, so they will be hurt if you hit it and quit it.
It will definiately turn some people off, but it is the right thing to do: "You know, I don't know that we have much of a connection here, but I do feel some sexual sparks. If you're up for it, I'd love to go to bed with you."
That way, you don't have guilt or regret or hurt someone who's going about relationships the wrong way.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:21 AM on September 24, 2014 [5 favorites]
If they reach out to you, give 'em a "You're great at boning, but just not what I'm looking for right now." Otherwise, radio silence.
posted by klangklangston at 11:04 AM on September 24, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by klangklangston at 11:04 AM on September 24, 2014 [2 favorites]
What's the right way to say "I'm not interested in pursuing this?"
With complete radio silence (or on preview what @klangklangston said). Actions sometimes speak louder and less offensively than words do.
But IF your sex partner later reaches out to you, you should respond back with something complimentary like "You are absolutely incredible in bed, and I will always remember you fondly. I'm sorry I'm not going to be able to start dating you, and I wish you all the best."
Finally, don't automatically assume a younger person is going to be clueless about these matters - for young folks today, one night stands/random hook-ups with no strings attached are a LOT more common than they were in the youths of Generations X and prior.
And amen to everything @nacho fries said about the age gap.
posted by hush at 1:23 PM on September 24, 2014
With complete radio silence (or on preview what @klangklangston said). Actions sometimes speak louder and less offensively than words do.
But IF your sex partner later reaches out to you, you should respond back with something complimentary like "You are absolutely incredible in bed, and I will always remember you fondly. I'm sorry I'm not going to be able to start dating you, and I wish you all the best."
Finally, don't automatically assume a younger person is going to be clueless about these matters - for young folks today, one night stands/random hook-ups with no strings attached are a LOT more common than they were in the youths of Generations X and prior.
And amen to everything @nacho fries said about the age gap.
posted by hush at 1:23 PM on September 24, 2014
I agree with those who say there's no reason you need to toss this relationship as long as you're on the same page about where it's going (or not going). Great sex is not ultra-common for most people and there's nothing wrong with enjoying this gift you've been given.
If you do decide not to see them again, it's fine to send them a brief note saying so. It's also fine just not to contact them again. You certainly don't want to waste their time and potentially also their hopes by setting up another date.
If they initiate contact with you, you definitely want to respond. Don't be the douchebag who just disappears without acknowledging the human being whose most intimate parts mingled with yours.
posted by mysterious_stranger at 9:32 PM on September 24, 2014 [1 favorite]
If you do decide not to see them again, it's fine to send them a brief note saying so. It's also fine just not to contact them again. You certainly don't want to waste their time and potentially also their hopes by setting up another date.
If they initiate contact with you, you definitely want to respond. Don't be the douchebag who just disappears without acknowledging the human being whose most intimate parts mingled with yours.
posted by mysterious_stranger at 9:32 PM on September 24, 2014 [1 favorite]
Don't break up with someone you're not dating. That's amateur hour assholery. Unless he or she is blowing up your phone, assume they've moved on as well.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 11:48 AM on September 25, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by ablazingsaddle at 11:48 AM on September 25, 2014 [1 favorite]
I'd say fade into the sunset quietly.
The only reason to bring up any sort of reason that you don't want to continue is if this person asks or wants to go out again.
It seems weird, but just silently dropping it is the best way for these kinds of things.
posted by christiehawk at 9:58 AM on September 26, 2014 [1 favorite]
The only reason to bring up any sort of reason that you don't want to continue is if this person asks or wants to go out again.
It seems weird, but just silently dropping it is the best way for these kinds of things.
posted by christiehawk at 9:58 AM on September 26, 2014 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by fingersandtoes at 11:20 PM on September 23, 2014 [13 favorites]