How do I reconnect with my younger brother? Esp. at his wedding.
September 22, 2014 11:28 AM Subscribe
My younger brother is getting married this week, and I've flown half way across the world to attend the wedding. Gearing up for this trip though, it's become obvious that we've drifted apart. More so than my relationship with other family members. Is there anything worth trying to help us reconnect? Or is this just part of growing up?
I am the eldest of 3 sons, and growing up had a pretty good relationship with my younger brothers. Not much fighting or sibling rivalry, but have always had a better relationship with my youngest brother. The middle brother has always been most introverted and socially awkward.
Six years ago I moved from Australia to London, with the youngest moving over to join me last year. My middle brother is now the only family member still living in Australia with the rest of us in Europe. He plans on potentially moving at some point, but now he is marrying an Australian girl, so this seems less likely, along with a career which would require re-qualification should they make the move.
Because of his introverted nature, when we do make time to talk over Skype, it seems like we don't often get past the superficial levels of recent events, how the other family members are.
Add to this the physical distance (this is my first trip back in 2 years) and time difference (making it harder to schedule time to talk which works for both parties), it seems hard to avoid drifting apart, although the idea saddens me.
Additionally, the girl he is marrying is even more painfully shy and socially awkward than he is. She has had opportunity to say hello when I am skyping with my brother, but has never said a word, despite being able to see her hiding off to the side on the webcam. The first time she'll ever speak to me is at the wedding (assuming she does). She is like this with everyone in the family, even my parents, which is quite a feat, seeing as my brother was living with them at the time they first got together – when she arrived at the house and he wasn't home, she literally hid in his room until he returned.
I am taking the time to write a handwritten letter to all the family members for the occasion, as it will be the first time we're all together in a number of years. I want to write words of encouragement to my brother, offer words of support, without being negative. I don't want him to feel I am telling him how he should be living his life, or that I feel awkward about the girl that he's marrying. If anyone has any advice on how I can try to reconnect that would be much appreciated.
Also if you have any tips on how to handle meeting his bride and her family for the first time without it being extremely awkward, that would be equally welcome.
I am the eldest of 3 sons, and growing up had a pretty good relationship with my younger brothers. Not much fighting or sibling rivalry, but have always had a better relationship with my youngest brother. The middle brother has always been most introverted and socially awkward.
Six years ago I moved from Australia to London, with the youngest moving over to join me last year. My middle brother is now the only family member still living in Australia with the rest of us in Europe. He plans on potentially moving at some point, but now he is marrying an Australian girl, so this seems less likely, along with a career which would require re-qualification should they make the move.
Because of his introverted nature, when we do make time to talk over Skype, it seems like we don't often get past the superficial levels of recent events, how the other family members are.
Add to this the physical distance (this is my first trip back in 2 years) and time difference (making it harder to schedule time to talk which works for both parties), it seems hard to avoid drifting apart, although the idea saddens me.
Additionally, the girl he is marrying is even more painfully shy and socially awkward than he is. She has had opportunity to say hello when I am skyping with my brother, but has never said a word, despite being able to see her hiding off to the side on the webcam. The first time she'll ever speak to me is at the wedding (assuming she does). She is like this with everyone in the family, even my parents, which is quite a feat, seeing as my brother was living with them at the time they first got together – when she arrived at the house and he wasn't home, she literally hid in his room until he returned.
I am taking the time to write a handwritten letter to all the family members for the occasion, as it will be the first time we're all together in a number of years. I want to write words of encouragement to my brother, offer words of support, without being negative. I don't want him to feel I am telling him how he should be living his life, or that I feel awkward about the girl that he's marrying. If anyone has any advice on how I can try to reconnect that would be much appreciated.
Also if you have any tips on how to handle meeting his bride and her family for the first time without it being extremely awkward, that would be equally welcome.
I would be very careful about trying to impose any substantial degree of "trying to reconnect," in the sense of "meaningfully increase the closeness of our family relationship," at his wedding. This is a time for him (and his bride), not for you to cross items off your family to-do list.
That said, I guess I would try to either go a few days early or stay a few days after, or both, and reach out to him to see if he can spend any time with you at either of those points. Within, like, 3 days before the wedding and a day or 2 after, though, you just have to suck it up and do whatever is most supportive of the new couple and acknowledge this is not really you-time.
posted by Joey Buttafoucault at 11:35 AM on September 22, 2014 [11 favorites]
That said, I guess I would try to either go a few days early or stay a few days after, or both, and reach out to him to see if he can spend any time with you at either of those points. Within, like, 3 days before the wedding and a day or 2 after, though, you just have to suck it up and do whatever is most supportive of the new couple and acknowledge this is not really you-time.
posted by Joey Buttafoucault at 11:35 AM on September 22, 2014 [11 favorites]
The idea of reaching out to schedule some time to get together for the 3 of you a few days before the Wedding Crazies (everyone arriving, parties, plans being set in motion) starts is a really good idea.
posted by bleep at 11:39 AM on September 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by bleep at 11:39 AM on September 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thanks for the reminders so far to make sure to focus on them at this wedding. I'm not at all involved with the wedding proceedings and I know that weddings are stressful times and should be a time for the couple to enjoy and celebrate.
This is why I thought the letter would be a good idea, something with a personal touch, and something I can leave behind and ask him to read in his own time after they come back from honeymoon and the actual wedding part is over.
Unfortunately we were only given the wedding date fairly last minute, and neither me or my youngest brother have the ability to take the additional time off work and are paying our own flights there (at a cost equal to two months rent). We both arrive a couple of days before the wedding, but really only have one day together as a family before the wedding itself, and then the couple are off on honeymoon.
posted by linus587 at 11:49 AM on September 22, 2014
This is why I thought the letter would be a good idea, something with a personal touch, and something I can leave behind and ask him to read in his own time after they come back from honeymoon and the actual wedding part is over.
Unfortunately we were only given the wedding date fairly last minute, and neither me or my youngest brother have the ability to take the additional time off work and are paying our own flights there (at a cost equal to two months rent). We both arrive a couple of days before the wedding, but really only have one day together as a family before the wedding itself, and then the couple are off on honeymoon.
posted by linus587 at 11:49 AM on September 22, 2014
This is genuinely the worst possible time in his life to do this. Please don't. His painfully socially shy wife does not need the additional stress of having to spend time together "just the three of you" when she's probably already mainlining Xanex BEFORE HER WEDDING. And do not offer a brother with whom you have a distant relationship unsolicited peer to peer advice when he's crossing a major threshold of adulthood.
By all means, tell your brother you'd love a chance to hang out with him and buy him a beer a few days beforehand but be prepared for this to not be a thing. Weddings are insane.
posted by DarlingBri at 11:51 AM on September 22, 2014 [12 favorites]
By all means, tell your brother you'd love a chance to hang out with him and buy him a beer a few days beforehand but be prepared for this to not be a thing. Weddings are insane.
posted by DarlingBri at 11:51 AM on September 22, 2014 [12 favorites]
Write her a letter too.
posted by pseudonick at 12:00 PM on September 22, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by pseudonick at 12:00 PM on September 22, 2014 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Sorry, I should have titled this question differently. This is why the title field should be the last instead of the first on these things! :P
To clarify, I don't want to add any stress to the wedding, I just think the wedding was the catalyst to the realisation of how far we've drifted apart. I don't want to pull him aside for a chat about this, I don't want to get up and make a speech, I'm interested to know how people have kept maintained their relationships with adult siblings, especially living in different countries when you only get to see each other at major life events like weddings.
Again, wish I could change the title.
posted by linus587 at 12:02 PM on September 22, 2014
To clarify, I don't want to add any stress to the wedding, I just think the wedding was the catalyst to the realisation of how far we've drifted apart. I don't want to pull him aside for a chat about this, I don't want to get up and make a speech, I'm interested to know how people have kept maintained their relationships with adult siblings, especially living in different countries when you only get to see each other at major life events like weddings.
Again, wish I could change the title.
posted by linus587 at 12:02 PM on September 22, 2014
Yeah unfortunately his wedding really isn't the time to ask him to focus on a relationship other than the one he has with his wife. By all means be effusive in your congratulations etc but if you want to reconnect with him meaningfully, do it afterwards (like a couple months afterwards.)
posted by fingersandtoes at 12:02 PM on September 22, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by fingersandtoes at 12:02 PM on September 22, 2014 [2 favorites]
Best answer: In my opinion, you can re-connect all you want at the wedding, but once you go home you'll just go back to the way things were because you just can't have a close relationship with that kind of distance between you. It just doesn't exist, even with Skype. The physical distance, the time difference, the fact that you can't just go out for dinner with him spontaneously is very real. My sister and nephew live on the opposite coast of the US from me, and it's impossible to be close at all with so few frames of reference to share.
posted by Melismata at 12:02 PM on September 22, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by Melismata at 12:02 PM on September 22, 2014 [5 favorites]
And as for maintaining relationships with distant siblings: it becomes easier when you have children (something to connect about.) It is also important to connect with the spouse. My SIL is lovely but we didn't have much to discuss until she had a baby and started hosting Thanksgiving alternately with me, etc; now we have much more to talk about and hanging out is more fun and relaxed all around.
Also… this is a highly variable thing but… I personally can't stand Skype and resent being asked to engage with anyone on it ever, even people I love a lot. I will spent the money and take the vacation time and do all those things, happily, to see my loved ones; but Skype just makes me gnash my teeth. Which is just to say, don't take it personally if she isn't into Skype.
posted by fingersandtoes at 12:04 PM on September 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
Also… this is a highly variable thing but… I personally can't stand Skype and resent being asked to engage with anyone on it ever, even people I love a lot. I will spent the money and take the vacation time and do all those things, happily, to see my loved ones; but Skype just makes me gnash my teeth. Which is just to say, don't take it personally if she isn't into Skype.
posted by fingersandtoes at 12:04 PM on September 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: @pseudonick – I hadn't considered it. What would you write about to your future sister-in-law if they were basically a complete stranger?
posted by linus587 at 12:07 PM on September 22, 2014
posted by linus587 at 12:07 PM on September 22, 2014
Write her cute, funny stories about your brother growing up, welcome her to the family and say you're looking forward to getting to know her better?
posted by hazyjane at 12:14 PM on September 22, 2014 [7 favorites]
posted by hazyjane at 12:14 PM on September 22, 2014 [7 favorites]
Best answer: Yeah, as a painfully shy person, hand-written letters can be a great way to reconnect. I know, it sounds silly in this age of Skype, but there's something about sitting down to write that will make us choose different anecdotes, and in my brother's case, made him add silly illustrations that I thought were a hoot.
I agree, write a letter to each of them - it can be mostly about a few cute stories about your times together as kids, your well-wishes for them, and your desire to stay in touch.
And then do stay in touch, using both your usual Skype and a few letters. It doesn't have to be tons of letters, just aim for one every quarter or something.
posted by ldthomps at 12:22 PM on September 22, 2014 [5 favorites]
I agree, write a letter to each of them - it can be mostly about a few cute stories about your times together as kids, your well-wishes for them, and your desire to stay in touch.
And then do stay in touch, using both your usual Skype and a few letters. It doesn't have to be tons of letters, just aim for one every quarter or something.
posted by ldthomps at 12:22 PM on September 22, 2014 [5 favorites]
Uh, it sounds like you've been pathologizing your "socially awkward" brother and his "even more painfully shy" bride. (Your analysis may be both correct and counterproductive.) Your interactions might go better if you approached this by figuring out what forms of interaction with you he might find congenial. Chat room? Book club? Mailing each other packages of rocks from your respective continents?
Ways to figure this out might include: combing your childhood memories; quizzing other family members who seem closer to him; asking his bride; observing how he and she interact; asking your brother himself, possibly in that letter. These painfully shy people have information you want. Treat them respectfully, and that will help them want to give it to you.
posted by feral_goldfish at 12:22 PM on September 22, 2014 [8 favorites]
Ways to figure this out might include: combing your childhood memories; quizzing other family members who seem closer to him; asking his bride; observing how he and she interact; asking your brother himself, possibly in that letter. These painfully shy people have information you want. Treat them respectfully, and that will help them want to give it to you.
posted by feral_goldfish at 12:22 PM on September 22, 2014 [8 favorites]
If you are writing everyone in the family notes, writing her one seems like the thing to do since she is joining the family.
Possibilities: welcome to the family, you are writing to everyone in the family and now that includes her, you're glad she makes your brother happy, you want her to think of you as her brother, here is a story she might not know about brother, etc. etc.
Connecting with his new wife is probably going to be close to the best way to connect with him. If they are both introverted emails might be a better way to communicate as they have more time to gather their thoughts and maybe touch on deeper issues.
posted by pseudonick at 12:25 PM on September 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
Possibilities: welcome to the family, you are writing to everyone in the family and now that includes her, you're glad she makes your brother happy, you want her to think of you as her brother, here is a story she might not know about brother, etc. etc.
Connecting with his new wife is probably going to be close to the best way to connect with him. If they are both introverted emails might be a better way to communicate as they have more time to gather their thoughts and maybe touch on deeper issues.
posted by pseudonick at 12:25 PM on September 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
She has had opportunity to say hello when I am skyping with my brother, but has never said a word, despite being able to see her hiding off to the side on the webcam.
Presumably their home is large enough that she could hide more efficiently if she wanted. So apparently she likes being around while you two are chatting. Treat this as a plus.
posted by feral_goldfish at 12:27 PM on September 22, 2014 [3 favorites]
Presumably their home is large enough that she could hide more efficiently if she wanted. So apparently she likes being around while you two are chatting. Treat this as a plus.
posted by feral_goldfish at 12:27 PM on September 22, 2014 [3 favorites]
Personally, I'd feel weird and intrusive leaning into frame on a Skype call that my SO was making to a family member he didn't have a lot of opportunities to talk to, especially if I'd never met said family member. I don't even like being in the same room as someone who's making a personal phone call. Your future SIL's norms/expectations on this may differ from your own. In any case, you come across a little resentful here; I have no idea if you are or not, but keep it in mind when you do meet her.
You say you aren't involved at all with the wedding proceedings; is there a way you could ask if there's anything they need extra hands for? The point of contact here would probably be either your parents or your brother's best man, if you know who that is. Your brother will remember that you were there for him; that's going to mean a lot more, years down the road, than trying to force an awkward heart-to-heart on a stressed and exhausted introvert.
posted by kagredon at 12:38 PM on September 22, 2014 [7 favorites]
You say you aren't involved at all with the wedding proceedings; is there a way you could ask if there's anything they need extra hands for? The point of contact here would probably be either your parents or your brother's best man, if you know who that is. Your brother will remember that you were there for him; that's going to mean a lot more, years down the road, than trying to force an awkward heart-to-heart on a stressed and exhausted introvert.
posted by kagredon at 12:38 PM on September 22, 2014 [7 favorites]
Best answer: you just can't have a close relationship with that kind of distance between you
I completely disagree with this. You can have the a close relationship over long distances - I have them.
My two closest friends live over 500 miles away from me. We text all the time about NFL and NHL. Our mutual interest in those two sports leagues keeps us in touch.
I have another long distance relationship, with a cousin - and we always text and email about television and movie things.
These mutual interests drive our connection with each other. We stay in touch around those interests, but we end staying in touch with each others complete life. A friend might not answer a text about a game, and then the next day say, oh I was out with my wife - and then we talk about that.
You have to find some mutual interest that can be the focus of an on-going conversation that will keep you in touch. It is possible.
posted by Flood at 12:39 PM on September 22, 2014 [6 favorites]
I completely disagree with this. You can have the a close relationship over long distances - I have them.
My two closest friends live over 500 miles away from me. We text all the time about NFL and NHL. Our mutual interest in those two sports leagues keeps us in touch.
I have another long distance relationship, with a cousin - and we always text and email about television and movie things.
These mutual interests drive our connection with each other. We stay in touch around those interests, but we end staying in touch with each others complete life. A friend might not answer a text about a game, and then the next day say, oh I was out with my wife - and then we talk about that.
You have to find some mutual interest that can be the focus of an on-going conversation that will keep you in touch. It is possible.
posted by Flood at 12:39 PM on September 22, 2014 [6 favorites]
I want to write words of encouragement to my brother, offer words of support, without being negative. I don't want him to feel I am telling him how he should be living his life
That's a good instinct. The best way to encourage might be to tell him about the strengths he already has, maybe even going back to your shared childhood. From discussing his strengths, you can segue into how much you want to keep in touch. I mean, it sounds like you want to keep in touch with your brother just because he's your brother, which is cool. But you can also show him that you value specific things about him. That rhetorical device will allow you to show support at the same time as you're asking for something, i.e. to reconnect.
posted by feral_goldfish at 12:45 PM on September 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
That's a good instinct. The best way to encourage might be to tell him about the strengths he already has, maybe even going back to your shared childhood. From discussing his strengths, you can segue into how much you want to keep in touch. I mean, it sounds like you want to keep in touch with your brother just because he's your brother, which is cool. But you can also show him that you value specific things about him. That rhetorical device will allow you to show support at the same time as you're asking for something, i.e. to reconnect.
posted by feral_goldfish at 12:45 PM on September 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
Taking an opportunity to tell or show someone how you feel can really turn around a relationship.
I read an essay/blog the other day (but am too weak on google-fu to find it for you) about how the author had suddenly realized she wasn't a great friend; someone she didn't feel especially close to had gone out of their way to say something particularly caring, making her realize that relationship maybe hadn't grown apart as much as she'd thought; and she had just realized how there were people she felt strongly about, who may not know how much she cared about them, and how much her relationship landscape could benefit from taking the time to call people, and taking the risk to be emotionally honest and tell them how much she cared. In summary, that sounds pretty cheesy, but it wasn't as bad as all that, I swear!
You're about to see your brother for the first time in a while, and it's at his wedding, which I agree is a time about him and his new wife, not about rekindling your brotherly relationship. It's also a great time to make a toast. A public speech telling him that you love him and have always loved him, and will love him no matter what country you're both living in, and that you want to be the best brother you can to him and to your new sister-in-law... a speech like that could inspire all sorts of connections. Assuming you feel that way, take the risk and tell him so.
posted by aimedwander at 12:57 PM on September 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
I read an essay/blog the other day (but am too weak on google-fu to find it for you) about how the author had suddenly realized she wasn't a great friend; someone she didn't feel especially close to had gone out of their way to say something particularly caring, making her realize that relationship maybe hadn't grown apart as much as she'd thought; and she had just realized how there were people she felt strongly about, who may not know how much she cared about them, and how much her relationship landscape could benefit from taking the time to call people, and taking the risk to be emotionally honest and tell them how much she cared. In summary, that sounds pretty cheesy, but it wasn't as bad as all that, I swear!
You're about to see your brother for the first time in a while, and it's at his wedding, which I agree is a time about him and his new wife, not about rekindling your brotherly relationship. It's also a great time to make a toast. A public speech telling him that you love him and have always loved him, and will love him no matter what country you're both living in, and that you want to be the best brother you can to him and to your new sister-in-law... a speech like that could inspire all sorts of connections. Assuming you feel that way, take the risk and tell him so.
posted by aimedwander at 12:57 PM on September 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: You can have close relationships over long distances-- but only if everyone involved wants that kind of closeness and is willing and able to put in the time and energy necessary to develop and maintain it.
You can't force relationships to be emotionally intimate. While you may quite genuinely want your relationship with your brother (and his wife) to be close, your brother may want a different kind of relationship than you do. I would suggest that you reach out and express your openness to a closer relationship-- but let your brother take the lead on establishing the level of intimacy and frequency of contact based on his needs, desires, and comfort level. Pushing for more than he is comfortable with is likely to add further distance, so be mindful of your approach and be careful not to push too hard.
posted by Kpele at 1:03 PM on September 22, 2014 [2 favorites]
You can't force relationships to be emotionally intimate. While you may quite genuinely want your relationship with your brother (and his wife) to be close, your brother may want a different kind of relationship than you do. I would suggest that you reach out and express your openness to a closer relationship-- but let your brother take the lead on establishing the level of intimacy and frequency of contact based on his needs, desires, and comfort level. Pushing for more than he is comfortable with is likely to add further distance, so be mindful of your approach and be careful not to push too hard.
posted by Kpele at 1:03 PM on September 22, 2014 [2 favorites]
Best answer: (oh, and building on what fingersandtoes says: yeah, it's reasonably common for people to drift apart a little while you're doing the 20s finish-school-start-work-get-married-move-continents shuffle, and then for people to start coming back together as they start having kids and as parents get older. So don't put undue pressure on yourself by treating this as the Last Chance: your brother is going to be your brother for a long time yet.)
posted by kagredon at 1:28 PM on September 22, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by kagredon at 1:28 PM on September 22, 2014 [2 favorites]
The wedding will go by in a blur. It's just that kind of thing.
Be a mench. Offer to help in whatever way you can. Don't force any interactions with anyone. If the bride never removes her veil and says NO words to you, smile and carry on as if it's no biggie.
Do whatever anyone asks of you, think of yourself as the social lubricant in this situation. Be happy, pleasant and helpful and let any small slights or weirdness go.
You have your entire life to better your relationship with your brother, and as long as you keep making the effort, it's all good.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:20 PM on September 22, 2014 [4 favorites]
Be a mench. Offer to help in whatever way you can. Don't force any interactions with anyone. If the bride never removes her veil and says NO words to you, smile and carry on as if it's no biggie.
Do whatever anyone asks of you, think of yourself as the social lubricant in this situation. Be happy, pleasant and helpful and let any small slights or weirdness go.
You have your entire life to better your relationship with your brother, and as long as you keep making the effort, it's all good.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:20 PM on September 22, 2014 [4 favorites]
One way we kept close relationships with a group of friends while moving around a lot was to play some group turn-based email games. You can do something like Risk or Diplomacy or all sorts of games specifically designed for that format. If it's just two of you, even chess or scrabble. The nice thing is that it's a daily quick check-in, rather than a weekly or monthly mammoth catch up phone call/email, so you end up joking around and connecting at a level you don't when you are trying to catch up with news and stuff. It's much more like real life hanging out.
posted by lollusc at 5:03 PM on September 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by lollusc at 5:03 PM on September 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
One way you can do something meaningful for them both is to say verbally, but then elaborate in your letter that you wish to be of service before, during and after the event. You are not part of the wedding party, it seems, but that does not mean that there aren't useful things you can do for them. If you have a generous heart and don't mind being occupied with love vs. annoyed at being tasked, you should offer this to them both. It will allow you to give them something thoughtful, personal, and on an as-needed basis. Another thing to consider is to lend yourself as a "Number 1" or Lt. Riker-type to the best man, or all the men in the wedding party. They no doubt have ushers and such if it's a formal wedding, but none with the history, wisdom and experience of the groom that you do.
It doesn't sound like you are trying to solve a fight, or a distancing created by anything other than distance itself. Beyond being of service, thoughtful, and open, the best thing you can do is to enjoy the event as it comes and be there for your brother -- or just nearby -- in case he has a need for someone with your unique and special talents. In my experience, weddings often call for such people. ;)
Best of luck and have fun!
posted by cior at 7:16 PM on September 22, 2014
It doesn't sound like you are trying to solve a fight, or a distancing created by anything other than distance itself. Beyond being of service, thoughtful, and open, the best thing you can do is to enjoy the event as it comes and be there for your brother -- or just nearby -- in case he has a need for someone with your unique and special talents. In my experience, weddings often call for such people. ;)
Best of luck and have fun!
posted by cior at 7:16 PM on September 22, 2014
ALSO: Invitations. I recently went to my husband's cousin's wedding in London (from San Francisco) and while we aren't particularly close it occurred to me that time together cements the feeling that we should have more of it. Invite them to visit. Make a way. Talk about good times of year, see what can work. For your own part, ask them about when you might be able to come see them as a married couple. Talk about fun things to do together. They may be taking a honeymoon and might already be infected with a desire to travel. Build on this. Make plans.
posted by cior at 7:18 PM on September 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by cior at 7:18 PM on September 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
Shy people usually don't intend to be standoffish, so please try not to judge her too harshly, OP. Often their hesitancy about getting to know new people is directly proportional to how important they feel making a good impression on those people will be. It naturally follows that your brother's betrothed is especially nervous about sticking her neck out and introducing herself to you and the rest of her new family, because she knows how much you all mean to him. And he, understanding her self-consciousness, may be supporting her by being there for her.
Yes, all of that means that neither one of them is being as outgoing as you might like, but expecting the people we love to act the way we want them to, instead of allowing them to be themselves, is an exercise in futility (and a bit selfish).
Email and occasionally texting, these are the shy person's friends. The telephone, FaceTime and Skype have a "Pick up and talk to me RIGHT NOW" urgency that makes some socially awkward folks want to run and hide (reader, I am one of them). Even for those who aren't shy, there are a myriad of reasons why phone avoidance is definitely a Thing.
I definitely think reaching out to your brother and his new wife with a hand-written letter is a lovely gesture, and then following that up with email messages back and forth is the optimal way to get that connection you are looking for.
About writing her a letter of her own--I don't know, it really depends on the woman in question, and you don't know her at all, so that's a tough call. I wouldn't JUST write to her husband and leave her out, because she is going to be part f the family, after all, and excluding her in that way will make her feel like she is not being accepted/welcomed.
On the other hand, writing a letter just to her when you haven't so mch as exchanged greetings before (by her choice) might, depending on her own culture, background and temperament, feel really intrusive. So your really nice gesture, meant to establish a connection, could just as easily backfire and make her shy away all the more.
If it were me, I think I would opt for addressing my letter to the happy couple, with anecdotes about your brother (reminding him and sharing with her the connection the two of you had), and also take pains to include a clearly enthusiastic reception welcoming the new bride into the family.
posted by misha at 7:26 PM on September 22, 2014 [2 favorites]
Yes, all of that means that neither one of them is being as outgoing as you might like, but expecting the people we love to act the way we want them to, instead of allowing them to be themselves, is an exercise in futility (and a bit selfish).
Email and occasionally texting, these are the shy person's friends. The telephone, FaceTime and Skype have a "Pick up and talk to me RIGHT NOW" urgency that makes some socially awkward folks want to run and hide (reader, I am one of them). Even for those who aren't shy, there are a myriad of reasons why phone avoidance is definitely a Thing.
I definitely think reaching out to your brother and his new wife with a hand-written letter is a lovely gesture, and then following that up with email messages back and forth is the optimal way to get that connection you are looking for.
About writing her a letter of her own--I don't know, it really depends on the woman in question, and you don't know her at all, so that's a tough call. I wouldn't JUST write to her husband and leave her out, because she is going to be part f the family, after all, and excluding her in that way will make her feel like she is not being accepted/welcomed.
On the other hand, writing a letter just to her when you haven't so mch as exchanged greetings before (by her choice) might, depending on her own culture, background and temperament, feel really intrusive. So your really nice gesture, meant to establish a connection, could just as easily backfire and make her shy away all the more.
If it were me, I think I would opt for addressing my letter to the happy couple, with anecdotes about your brother (reminding him and sharing with her the connection the two of you had), and also take pains to include a clearly enthusiastic reception welcoming the new bride into the family.
posted by misha at 7:26 PM on September 22, 2014 [2 favorites]
Anecdotally...
My husband and I live in SF. Husband's parents and youngest brother are in Scotland. Other brother in China.
We were all in the same room together for the first time in 5 yrs in August for the aforementioned cousin wedding.
We keep in touch via Skype. Thoughts on it as the lone American and interloper (neither of the other brothers are married or have public love interests) are that user above, kagredon, has it right. I do not participate in Skype calls as it seems like a private phone call between my husband and his family members. If they mention me, I might pipe up. If I wander into the same room, I might say hello. Due to time difference, I'm usually in my PJs and really don't want to be on camera. As much as we're family, I still have boundaries!
What worked for us at cousin wedding is that we had a chance to make plans via e-mail beforehand, the parents went home early and us "kids" went out on our own in London, via bars, the tube, the bus and a long walk. Much reconnecting was had.
One thing that sticks out in general, though -- different methods of connection work for different family members. My in-laws mostly Skype. The middle brother prefers chat, late at night. The youngest does his own thing and keeps to himself, regardless of what we do, so we glean news from the parents. If you're having trouble connecting with your brother and there isn't some glaring issue acting as a roadblock, try switching up the method. Add him on chat. Learn his timezone. Send him an e-mail. Schedule Skype for a different time of day, when he might be in a more relaxed mood. If you have a video game system, maybe try gaming together. When you travel, send him a postcard. If you sense he's being shy and guarded, change the dynamic by giving an opening gambit, something vulnerable. If he's having trouble letting you in, let him in the door first. Ask for *his* advice or insights. Could be fun.
posted by cior at 7:27 PM on September 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
My husband and I live in SF. Husband's parents and youngest brother are in Scotland. Other brother in China.
We were all in the same room together for the first time in 5 yrs in August for the aforementioned cousin wedding.
We keep in touch via Skype. Thoughts on it as the lone American and interloper (neither of the other brothers are married or have public love interests) are that user above, kagredon, has it right. I do not participate in Skype calls as it seems like a private phone call between my husband and his family members. If they mention me, I might pipe up. If I wander into the same room, I might say hello. Due to time difference, I'm usually in my PJs and really don't want to be on camera. As much as we're family, I still have boundaries!
What worked for us at cousin wedding is that we had a chance to make plans via e-mail beforehand, the parents went home early and us "kids" went out on our own in London, via bars, the tube, the bus and a long walk. Much reconnecting was had.
One thing that sticks out in general, though -- different methods of connection work for different family members. My in-laws mostly Skype. The middle brother prefers chat, late at night. The youngest does his own thing and keeps to himself, regardless of what we do, so we glean news from the parents. If you're having trouble connecting with your brother and there isn't some glaring issue acting as a roadblock, try switching up the method. Add him on chat. Learn his timezone. Send him an e-mail. Schedule Skype for a different time of day, when he might be in a more relaxed mood. If you have a video game system, maybe try gaming together. When you travel, send him a postcard. If you sense he's being shy and guarded, change the dynamic by giving an opening gambit, something vulnerable. If he's having trouble letting you in, let him in the door first. Ask for *his* advice or insights. Could be fun.
posted by cior at 7:27 PM on September 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
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posted by feste at 11:32 AM on September 22, 2014 [13 favorites]