How do I explain the whole daddy dom thing to my vanilla husband?
September 18, 2014 2:18 AM   Subscribe

First off I absolutely am not a gal on the whole 50 shades bandwagon. Let's get this straight right now ;). I'm talking about actual kink. When I say daddy dom, I'm not meaning full on age play, just doing the bratty sub thing. (Almost like a little but not quite to the same extent).

Before I was with my current partner I was reasonably active in the lifestyle. For reasons, I distanced myself from it. I ended up married to a basically vanilla guy. He's not opposed, just unfamiliar. We have explored kink, but success has been limited. I find myself slipping into the pushy bottom role. I don't think he understands the mental/emotional aspects of it. For me that's 90% of the satisfaction. How can I help him understand what it's all about? I'm not asking him to be a full time daddy dom, just an occasional experience. This may not be his thing, that's fine. I am willing to try some different stuff with him if that's what he wants. I don't want to pressure him to do things he's not OK with. Bottom line, it's hard to have frank discussions about sexuality with an intimate partner and I could use some suggestions (even not kink related). I'm not really sure what he wants because he doesn't seem to express emotional/mental needs regarding sex very openly ... Maybe he doesn't need that and I'm reading into it to much???
posted by neanderloid to Human Relations (12 answers total) 15 users marked this as a favorite

Do you have a porn whose plot appeals to you, or a scenario from fiction (maybe even from 50 Shades that you like? Asking him to roleplay something specific might be less intimidating and easier to succeed at than asking him to slip into daddy dom character all on his own.

Speaking from some experience, the vanilla top to a demanding bottom can be a difficult position. Because bottom's a more passive (or even actively "resistant" position, if you're going for a "bratty" vibe), the onus is on the top to create this whole immersive erotic experience for someone else, using criteria that they don't even themselves understand, because none of this turns them on (and some of it may even feel a bit weird and gross in emotional terms). It's a lot harder than simply inserting this here, rubbing this other bit a little differently, like in many other forms of GGG partner stepping-up.

You might have to give more than 50% in terms of helping with planning, setup, etc. You might especially want to be very nice about giving compliments and showing your enjoyment after it's all over, because really, dude's got a tough gig. And maybe also have a conversation about (a) boundaries and limits-- how often does this have to happen, and how far does it have to go, for you to be perfectly happy in the long-term, and is that level of activity OK with him, or do you need to negotiate?-- and (b) what does or doesn't turn him on about this kind of play, so you can make sure there's parity in terms of getting his needs met.
posted by Sockinian at 4:07 AM on September 18, 2014 [8 favorites]

Seconding the fiction, but maybe something that feels more mainstream. Might I recommend the classic 1952 film 'The Quiet Man' (John Wayne, Maureen O'Hara)?
posted by Mogur at 4:38 AM on September 18, 2014 [1 favorite]

One suggestion: read Arousal by Michael Bader together, so that he can understand (and maybe you can too!) why you're into what you're into. If you don't get the why it's hard to produce the what, so to speak.

The book speaks to the mental/emotional side you're talking about, and might help him get a handle on what makes kink so awesome to people.
posted by Poppa Bear at 5:59 AM on September 18, 2014 [6 favorites]

So there was this comic linked in an FPP a while back that is highly NSFW. It's an experience that I am entirely unfamiliar with and baseline uninterested in. It did, however, elucidate the dynamic between the D/s roles in a relationship. From what I glean (and this could just be one person's experience), being the top is hard, yo. Even leaving aside all of the equipment and other paraphernalia that the author seems to like drawing, it seems like almost the whole relationship rests on the dom's overriding desire to create, as Sockinian said, the immersive experience that is (somewhat counterintuitively) focused on the sub's pleasure.

So keep that in mind. Maybe read it together.
posted by supercres at 6:26 AM on September 18, 2014 [4 favorites]

There seems to be two issues here: You don't know what he wants, and you don't know how to tell him what you want.

As the sub in a vanilla relationship, the onus is on YOU to describe your wants, and how he can help you get those met. Schedule a time for a nice sit down talk, where everybody is fed, rested, calm and happy. Your homework to be ready for this is to make lists. What do you want? Specifically. What kinks are ok, not ok? What do you want from him? What do you want from him, physically and mentally? How can you help him into this scene? Are there certain ways you can indicate you want your bratty side to be tamed? Outfits, hair styles, phrases, actions that he knows indicates neander needs a spanking, or whatever it is your scene plays out (I didn't really get a handle on that from the post... and I don't need to, but your husband does and will need to know)

So. Plan. Communicate, communicate, communicate, communicate. Be patient and praise. Communicate your desires well. Try really hard to not be suddenly willful and bratty if he has no idea hot to handle it. You do have to put on your big girl panties a little and explain things to him, as best you can. But it will be ok :)
posted by Jacen at 6:53 AM on September 18, 2014 [2 favorites]

From an anonymous commenter:
I was the vanilla partner in a relationship with a highly experienced sub who was looking for me to dominate him, while I knew and understood little of psychology and D/s lifestyle. The way we ended up approaching it was that he took the dominant role initially and I was the completely passive and obedient submissive. It tooks us a good six months of play until we were both comfortable with switching sides.

I think it's a worthwhile exercise in building trust and intimacy, and I can't imagine a better way of learning the ropes than to experience it directly.
posted by restless_nomad at 7:46 AM on September 18, 2014 [6 favorites]

From your post, I can't tell what emotional aspects you're looking for. Are you clear on that? Do you know what you want to feel, and how he could act to help you feel that way?

It sounds like you are looking for a dynamic where you "act out" and he exerts force to pull you back into line. It's easy for a novice top to feel like a monster doing that kind of thing. If you can tell him specifically, "When I do X and you do Y it makes me feel loved and cherished and safe" (or whatever is true for you) it will make things easier for him.

Also: pre-negotiate your scenes and proscribe the time and space they happen in. If it becomes his job to figure out when it is ok to push you around and when it isn't, he will probably never feel safe doing it. Use symbolism if you can: it's common for submissives to wear collars during playtime, but I also know dominants who wear a particular item to mark their in-scene authority. Even putting the special sheets on the bed could work to set the scene, really.

Make sure that you have a safeword, and that he trusts you to stop the scene if he pushes too far. (I'm assuming that you trust him to stop when you use a safeword.) If he can't be secure in what he's doing, it's never going to stop feeling forced and awkward.

Don't forget to have fun.
posted by catalytics at 8:27 AM on September 18, 2014 [2 favorites]

I realize this isn't an exact match, but there was a recent episode of Why Are People Into That? focusing on age play that was a huge eye opener to me.
posted by straw at 8:58 AM on September 18, 2014 [2 favorites]

Speaking as a semi-vanilla guy who has encountered women into the Daddy thing, all I can say is it really triggers all sorts of serious anxieties for me. Yes, it's consenting adult play, but it still required me to tap into actions and scenarios that I've been trained to avoid at the cost of my mortal soul. Age play can be a real minefield for a lot of men.

Then there's the real possibility that roleplay just isn't something he's comfortable with, in any guise. Some people simply aren't comfortable being anything other than themselves.
posted by Thorzdad at 9:40 AM on September 18, 2014 [6 favorites]

A starting point might be one of those kink questionnaires. I don't have time to google one now, but there are some very extensive ones that list just about every kink, act, and fetish. You go thru and rate each one on a scale of like "yes, I love this" "maybe" "meh" "no, not really" "hard line, absolutely not." It might help you guys to both do them and compare, and see where your interests might intersect, as a starting point, and then discussing why you like certain things, or why these are off limits.

I also think him reading both some fiction and non-fiction about the kind of scenes you want to do might help him get it.

And maybe he's not up for this (yet) but maybe get involved in your local kink scene? Start off with some munches, then work up to play parties where he can actually see other people doing scenes? From what I hear, the kink community is usually pretty welcoming to newcomers, though I've never actually been involved myself.
posted by catatethebird at 1:06 PM on September 18, 2014 [1 favorite]

explain to him that if he gets even close to what you want, you will really, really be into it sexually and it will show.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:08 PM on September 18, 2014 [1 favorite]

You know, I think the vocabulary you're using could be really off putting to a vanilla person. Daddy, brat, dom, etc... but really, the things kinky people do aren't necessarily different from what non-kinky people do, except in degree.

Rather than using words like "bratty" or "daddy," I'd describe actions and the feelings those actions bring up. Like, "I'd love to have a play fight that you win during sex, because I enjoy the struggle and I like it when you take control."
posted by showbiz_liz at 6:18 AM on September 19, 2014

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