Commuting four days a week away from my family -- how do we stay sane?

September 17, 2014 8:57 AM

It's only temporary, but will likely last a few months. I'm looking for any tips for taking care of myself, as well as my relationship with my extremely supportive husband, and my wonderful children. Also, any Seattle-specific advice would be great (should I stay at the Homewood Suites next to the office? Should I get an apartment? How does one get a furnished apartment?? Should I get a UV lamp?). Thank you!

I'm starting a new job in our new city (Seattle) and my husband will stay here (in SF) with our two wonderful children (3 and 5) to wrap up his job. I'll fly home late Thursday nights and out early Monday mornings.

My company has given me a lump sum for the move, so while I have some money to spend and the flexibility to spend it how I want, I also want to be somewhat cost-conscious.

I used to be a strategy consultant but haven't done much travel since the children were born. I know I will miss them like crazy, and they will miss me. (My daughter still talks about the 4 day trip I took three months ago...)

posted by CruiseSavvy to Human Relations (11 answers total)

I have only local knowledge to offer, but if the homewoods suites you're speaking of is the one near Pike and Boren and other advice suggests you get a furnished apartment instead, you could call capitol steps apartments and executive suites -- they do furnished apartments by the week, might negotiate something monthly, and are at a great location.
posted by batter_my_heart at 9:08 AM on September 17, 2014

How about renting a room in a house, that way you'll have some folks to hang with? (This can be a positive OR a negative.)

A more expensive option, but one I enjoy is Corporate Housing. Most apartment complexes have a furnished apartment that they rent out. It includes kitchen stuff and linens and things. They're more expensive than a regular apartment, but tend to be less expensive than a hotel room. Like a hotel, cable, internet, phone and utilities are included in the price.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:11 AM on September 17, 2014 [1 favorite]

As far as the missing them part, Facetime is wonderful for this. Can you schedule regular evening video chats?
posted by jbickers at 9:12 AM on September 17, 2014

Best answer: I commuted SF to NY Sunday red eye Thursday afternoon return for 11 weeks. My kids were 3, 4 and 5 at the time. We did as much explaining as we could, but to be honest, they were too young to get it. They just knew that Daddy went away for a little while and then like magic returned for a little while. They got over it.

The biggest issue was with my wife. She was somewhat stuck with 3 very young ying yangs 24/7 during the week. So, when I got back, I would relieve her of duty and spend the entire 3 days with the kids. Of course she was there, but I was the one responsible and doing things like changing a diaper or cleaning up the kitchen mess.

On a personal level with her, we made sure to have phone time during my travel to discuss adult issues and we had a baby sitter on Saturday night so we could go out and have adult time. I think during the week she needed someone to be both a sounding board and to vent about her day, and on the weekends we both needed adult us time.

I rented a hotel room with the same hotel every week. I got a great bulk rate and great service. By the end of the second week, all the staff knew my name and that I was a "regular". They did little things like I would leave my dry cleaning and laundry on Thursday and it would be hanging in my room on Monday when I returned. (No charge). The room service people knew my off the menu order of steamed veggies and brown rice and two beers. I took the same flights each week too and it turns out that many of the flight attendants and gate staff are the same each week. I got upgraded at no charge from the 3rd week on. When I got on board Sunday night, without asking, I got my V-8 and a Heineken. I would take my Tylenol PM and about 15 minutes before landing, they would wake me. My advice there is to pick a place and stay there the entire time. It will feel like home, there will be no cleaning like in an apartment and you will be treated nicely. Being on the road can be draining physically. Use the workout room. Travel light.

This was about 15 years ago. Now with Skype or Google Hangouts, I would probably read a bed time story to them every night over the laptop. Maybe send them silly Snapchats or Vines. Send some for spouse only too.

Finally, 11 weeks is both a long time and nothing in the bigger scope of things. This too will pass and you and your spouse and your kids will be none the worse for wear.
posted by 724A at 9:29 AM on September 17, 2014 [18 favorites]

One other thing. For flights, it was cheaper if I had a Saturday overnight stay, so I would book two weeks over lapping. I would leave Sunday night week 1 and return week two on Thursday on one ticket and leave new city on Thursday week 1 returning on Sunday Week 2. (I hope that makes sense. There was an outside ticket and and inside roundtrip ticket.)
posted by 724A at 9:46 AM on September 17, 2014 [4 favorites]

A couple of suggestions for your little ones:
In our case, it is best to adopt an "out of sight, out of mind" attitude toward the traveling parent. If the away parent calls to talk to the kid, she just gets upset at the reminder that mom or dad isn't home. I don't think a bedtime skype/facetime story would work for us, for this reason. Of course, YMMV based on your kids, but just keep in mind "less contact" as an ok option--let the spouse at home make the call on this.

Perhaps paradoxically given the above, our kid loves having a special lovey that reminds her of the missing parent. I ordered a heart shaped pillow with our picture on it from PillowMob.com, and she finds it comforting to have us "with" her at night. I got something similar as gifts for my niece and nephew since their parents travel for work a fair amount, and have heard they also love them.
posted by msbubbaclees at 9:49 AM on September 17, 2014 [1 favorite]

Service apartments give you room to move and make yourself a bit at home as well as take care of housekeeping and whatnot. When I have to be somewhere for an odd amount of time, my first choice is to find a good service apartment complex.
posted by infini at 10:22 AM on September 17, 2014 [1 favorite]

Best answer: The details are different, but I'm the parent at home in this gig. Be warned: it's probably going to be brutal for your husband. 3 and 5 is probably easier than almost 1 and almost 4, which is what I'm up against, but be prepared for it to take a toll on him. At least yours is temporary!

1) What 724A said. To the millionth degree. It is SO IMPORTANT for the folks at home to know you remember them and make them a priority even though you aren't there. I want 724A to go out for drinks with my husband and read him the riot act.
2) Every person is different, but be prepared in case your kids push you away a little when you come home on the weekend. You mitigate it with (1) but it may still happen. It's an unconscious defense mechanism.
3) Keep calling even if you call home and your kids don't want to talk to you. Maybe they will. I hope they do! But mine sometimes doesn't want to talk to his dad on the phone, and then that makes dad call less. Don't take it personally, and keep calling.
4) When I have to take care of the kids on my own for several days, it EXHAUSTS my reserves of even-temperedness and self control. And this makes me short tempered towards my husband, because he is an adult and I cannot take out my frustrations on the kids. Try not to take it personally, and try to be very empathetic.
5) Maybe a big calendar for your kids so they can see which days you'll be there, and when this is all going to end?
6) What 724A said. Do AS MUCH AS YOU CAN while you're home so your husband can recharge his batteries.
posted by telepanda at 11:27 AM on September 17, 2014 [4 favorites]

Best answer: Since it sounds like this is the forerunner to a question about gettimg a 3 and 5 year old adjusted to a SF to Seattle move: send the kids a cool Seattle postcard every Monday, so they get mail that reminds them of mom and start thinking about new city as an exciting place?
posted by deludingmyself at 11:30 AM on September 17, 2014 [6 favorites]

Best answer: I can't speak to this from the adult end, but I was a kid of a parent who traveled extensively for business from when I was a baby through high school. He was usually gone about 3-4 days at a time every couple weeks. For me, phone calls from my dad every day he was gone were very important - I was a pretty anxious kid and I would sometimes get (what I now know as) intrusive thoughts that something had happened to him or would happen to him on his trip. I needed to hear from my dad to know that he was okay.

In your situation, I'd involve the kids in deciding when / how often to contact home while you are gone, because it could be very important to their sense of security that they hear from you daily. Also small gifts are really fun! My dad mostly traveled around the Midwest as that was his sales territory, so it wasn't like the gifts were anything really exotic, but I still loved getting little souvenirs from random cities and knowing that he was still thinking about us while he was away.
posted by augustimagination at 1:24 PM on September 17, 2014 [1 favorite]

Completely agree with 724A and telepanda.
My husband is gone Monday through Thursday almost every week (about 40 weeks per year), our son, now almost 6yrs knows nothing else, as my husband has had this job for about 14 years now.

I especially agree with telepanda's No.3 - call, and keep calling even if the children don't want to talk. And don't take it at all personal. Through the years we had everything: from our son waiting tearfully for daddy to call, to trying to smash the phone so he can't. It comes and goes in waves. But if for some reason (he sometimes is with clients in the evening) he cannot make the daily call this is a real blow for our son, even if this is a week where he refuses to even listen, let alone talk.
My husband is real good with that, when our boy refuses to talk he offers to just talk and tells him about his day etc. Or he says that it is fine, just calling to send a kiss and my love, no need to talk.

Skype works well for us - this is an important point about the accommodation to consider too. As my husband is not always in the same place (his accommodatoin is booked by the company) he sometimes can't skype with us as the various hotels have different quality internet access and sometimes it is too slow to skype.

Especially if our son does not want to talk, we just place the camera in such a way that dad can watch as he plays from his hotel room, and can comment and interact and sometimes this makes it easier for them to begin to talk.

For some months all they did was use the skype messaging function. I showed him how to send icons, and he sent endless rows of hearts, smileys, beers, pizza whatever. He was about 3 1/2 and it really made a difference to express himself this way.

Now he is almost 6, for the last few months they send each other riddles and simple calculations. It has motivated him very much to learn the alphabet as he saw a real purpose in doing so.

Another important thing we came to understand is that if lets say they argue on Sunday and he gets mad at his daddy and then Monday 5am dad leaves, our son thinks dad left because they argued.
Variations of this over the years included him saying I want dad to be gone and when he actually did leave because this was on a Sunday night, he felt horrible because he thought he had made dad disappear.

Now of course we talk about this a lot but I have looked into this in books and internet and also sought some prefessional help IRL and it seems children at that age think anything that happens is caused by them/their actions. And it scares them.

So we go through this every Sunday night, briefly but clearly, that dad leaves tomorrow for work and reiterate he cmes back Thursday night.
When he was very little, up to about 2, it was actually easier. Once he was able to discuss and argue, from about 3, it became difficult because he will sometimes demand dad stay and as this is not possible, it can either lead to fits of anger or silent despair. This is often then reflecting in hs response to dad's phone calls. I (or I should say we) think it is only fair to let him express these emotions and if the call makes him cry I acknowledge his sadness and offer comfort, and if dad's absence makes him angry I try to find some way he can express it and accept it. The anger is actually harder to deal with I find.

When I take him to bed, we send kisses to dad, as kisses have wings and don't need airplanes, and I tell him that dad loves him and thinks of him right now.

Also seconding 724A and telepanda on relieving your husband when you come home. My husband does this and boy do I need it. After four days alone it is such a relief. As telepanda says reserves are exhausted and need to be replenished.

Usually my husband will pick him up from childcare on all the days he is home and take him to the playground - this is really important to our son, so his buddies there see his dad actually exists. It was a shock to me to find out what other children told him as "explanations" why his dad was not as visible at childcare and the playground as some of the others.

Also what I found helped our son was to make sure he understood where X-town is, where dad is now: look at a map, googlemaps or whatver and the hotel website.
When he was about 3 i realised he had no idea that dad was actually in another country, but thought dad stayed in the hotel down the road as this was the only hotel he had aver seen. Again Skype was helpful to show him where dad is, hat his bed looked like, hs pillow his bathroom etc. Last year this was the most important question, plus what is dad eating? so we had dinners with skype, dad had takeaway in the hotel and we at home had the notebook on the dinner table and "shared" a meal.

What helps me is if we manage to have a separate call just for us - once our son is asleep. Also we email, if it is about appointments dates, etc, as sometimes the 3 days he is home are so filled with focussing on our son we don't manage to discuss issues and it takes off the pressure to know we can do this by mail.
posted by 15L06 at 2:27 PM on September 17, 2014 [2 favorites]