But I want to let myself feel the butterflies!
September 15, 2014 9:44 PM Subscribe
Started online dating. Having trouble processing a pair of dates I recently went on with someone – surely, it wasn’t just me?
I just started online dating (via OKCupid) a couple of weeks ago and I had incredibly low expectations for the very first date I went on. She came off a little wooden in her profile and in her messages, and she’d keep sending me messages and I’d be thinking, “oh my god, why are you still messaging me?”, but I decided to go along with it anyway – hey, it was gonna be my! very! first! online date, so no shame in having a mulligan of it, I thought. I ended up going on a date with her, and looking back on it, I think to say that there were fireworks would be an understatement. It was like a goddamn atomic bomb – we definitely were attracted to each other, ended up spending four-plus hours together, losing track of time, and found out that we had so, so much in common. I ended up walking her home – she lives a block and half away from me, even – and I got a text from her five minutes I dropped her off. That's like the Platonic ideal of a first date, right?
We texted intermittently over the next couple of days, and in the meantime, I was still kind of in shock that I was able to hit it off so well with a perfect stranger – seriously, it was like we’d known each other for years before we met, or that we were best friends separated in kindergarten or something. And so I got the butterflies like mad: I was thinking, hey, maybe there could possibly be something more to this – maybe something longer-term, and that that would be wonderful. Our first date was on Saturday, and we set up our second date for the following Thursday, the 4th. We went out for a beer in the neighborhood, then went on a walk and talked a bunch, then realized we were hungry and got some godawful pizza that I burned my mouth on, and went back to her place.
We made some tea and snuggled up on the couch under a blanket, talking about everything and nothing in particular and fooling around here and there. Then we moved to her bedroom – I don’t remember exactly how this happened, although we were both sober at the time – but one thing led to another and all of a sudden we started making out with our pants off. I was thinking, hey, cool, my first kiss! That was easy! And kind of nice! Even though it was a little awkward (first times and burnt mouth and all), she seemed to be having fun too, although I was a little too nervous to let her know that it was my first time. Anyhow, it was late and we were both really tired, so we ended up falling asleep, spooning and cuddling and she’d occasionally wake me up by making out with me in the middle of the night, which was super nice. We woke up in the morning next to each other with our limbs tangled up and holding hands. We had a bit of pillow talk, but we both had to get ready for work. She wanted to go out and get some coffee together, which I declined because I did not sleep well at all (I’m not used to sleeping with someone else!) and wanted to go home and take a nap. We parted ways effusively and told each other we’d be in touch.
So I went home that morning with mixed feelings. I was thinking – wow, that was a lot of fun, but hopefully she doesn’t think that I’m a bad kisser. I couldn’t help but shake a vague feeling that my inexperience had just derailed everything. I tried to invite her to something a couple of days later, and she texted me back almost instantly, saying that her dad was visiting her from out of the country for the week and that she had to hang out with him, and asked for a rain check. I waited a week, then sent her a text asking how she was, and invited her to a fun activity this coming weekend. That was yesterday (Sunday) evening, and I haven’t heard so much as a peep out of her since then, even though she’s been active on OKC in the meantime (bad habit, I know.) It feels like she’s trying to pull the patented fade-away (as Mr. Google would have it), and in that case, I’m feeling disappointed, hurt, and conflicted – I’m not sure if I should just write this off, after all that’s happened, and after how promising things had seemed so early on. I’m not at all angry about the whole thing, but if it’s indeed the case that she’s in fact not interested, I just kind of wish that she could send me a message letting me know that she isn’t feeling it anymore, or something like that – I mean, it’s just crazy how we could’ve gone from that level of intimacy to, well, seemingly nothing, and in no time flat.
Welp, that came out a little longer than I’d have liked for it to be. So here’s a few questions I’ve been asking myself recently that I don’t have good answers for. FYI, we’re both in our mid-20s in SF and we were both a 96% match, if that matters any.
0) Should just I move on? Or hold out some hope and give it some more time? I mean, I’m not exactly hurting for dates, but the other dates I’ve gone on with people off of OKC have been… somewhat lackluster. I feel like our first date set an incredibly, unreasonably high bar that my first dates with other people in the future won't be able to consistently fulfill, if at all.
1) If she’s in fact "pulling the fade”, what in the world drives people to do this? It seems relatively common, or at least more common than I thought it'd be. Is it a fear of confrontation, immaturity, or something else? I just can’t understand it. If we were only messaging back and forth on OKC, not having yet met up, sure, radio silence I can understand, but after a second date like that? And the chemistry and intimacy we had? What the heck?
2) If not after the first couple of dates, then when can I let myself get least somewhat emotionally invested? When am I allowed to have butterflies? I can’t help but think I’m gonna end up with a bunch of trust issues after all this, and this surely won’t be the first time it happens to me.
3) How can I communicate better so this kinda stuff doesn’t happen in the future? Is that even possible?
I just started online dating (via OKCupid) a couple of weeks ago and I had incredibly low expectations for the very first date I went on. She came off a little wooden in her profile and in her messages, and she’d keep sending me messages and I’d be thinking, “oh my god, why are you still messaging me?”, but I decided to go along with it anyway – hey, it was gonna be my! very! first! online date, so no shame in having a mulligan of it, I thought. I ended up going on a date with her, and looking back on it, I think to say that there were fireworks would be an understatement. It was like a goddamn atomic bomb – we definitely were attracted to each other, ended up spending four-plus hours together, losing track of time, and found out that we had so, so much in common. I ended up walking her home – she lives a block and half away from me, even – and I got a text from her five minutes I dropped her off. That's like the Platonic ideal of a first date, right?
We texted intermittently over the next couple of days, and in the meantime, I was still kind of in shock that I was able to hit it off so well with a perfect stranger – seriously, it was like we’d known each other for years before we met, or that we were best friends separated in kindergarten or something. And so I got the butterflies like mad: I was thinking, hey, maybe there could possibly be something more to this – maybe something longer-term, and that that would be wonderful. Our first date was on Saturday, and we set up our second date for the following Thursday, the 4th. We went out for a beer in the neighborhood, then went on a walk and talked a bunch, then realized we were hungry and got some godawful pizza that I burned my mouth on, and went back to her place.
We made some tea and snuggled up on the couch under a blanket, talking about everything and nothing in particular and fooling around here and there. Then we moved to her bedroom – I don’t remember exactly how this happened, although we were both sober at the time – but one thing led to another and all of a sudden we started making out with our pants off. I was thinking, hey, cool, my first kiss! That was easy! And kind of nice! Even though it was a little awkward (first times and burnt mouth and all), she seemed to be having fun too, although I was a little too nervous to let her know that it was my first time. Anyhow, it was late and we were both really tired, so we ended up falling asleep, spooning and cuddling and she’d occasionally wake me up by making out with me in the middle of the night, which was super nice. We woke up in the morning next to each other with our limbs tangled up and holding hands. We had a bit of pillow talk, but we both had to get ready for work. She wanted to go out and get some coffee together, which I declined because I did not sleep well at all (I’m not used to sleeping with someone else!) and wanted to go home and take a nap. We parted ways effusively and told each other we’d be in touch.
So I went home that morning with mixed feelings. I was thinking – wow, that was a lot of fun, but hopefully she doesn’t think that I’m a bad kisser. I couldn’t help but shake a vague feeling that my inexperience had just derailed everything. I tried to invite her to something a couple of days later, and she texted me back almost instantly, saying that her dad was visiting her from out of the country for the week and that she had to hang out with him, and asked for a rain check. I waited a week, then sent her a text asking how she was, and invited her to a fun activity this coming weekend. That was yesterday (Sunday) evening, and I haven’t heard so much as a peep out of her since then, even though she’s been active on OKC in the meantime (bad habit, I know.) It feels like she’s trying to pull the patented fade-away (as Mr. Google would have it), and in that case, I’m feeling disappointed, hurt, and conflicted – I’m not sure if I should just write this off, after all that’s happened, and after how promising things had seemed so early on. I’m not at all angry about the whole thing, but if it’s indeed the case that she’s in fact not interested, I just kind of wish that she could send me a message letting me know that she isn’t feeling it anymore, or something like that – I mean, it’s just crazy how we could’ve gone from that level of intimacy to, well, seemingly nothing, and in no time flat.
Welp, that came out a little longer than I’d have liked for it to be. So here’s a few questions I’ve been asking myself recently that I don’t have good answers for. FYI, we’re both in our mid-20s in SF and we were both a 96% match, if that matters any.
0) Should just I move on? Or hold out some hope and give it some more time? I mean, I’m not exactly hurting for dates, but the other dates I’ve gone on with people off of OKC have been… somewhat lackluster. I feel like our first date set an incredibly, unreasonably high bar that my first dates with other people in the future won't be able to consistently fulfill, if at all.
1) If she’s in fact "pulling the fade”, what in the world drives people to do this? It seems relatively common, or at least more common than I thought it'd be. Is it a fear of confrontation, immaturity, or something else? I just can’t understand it. If we were only messaging back and forth on OKC, not having yet met up, sure, radio silence I can understand, but after a second date like that? And the chemistry and intimacy we had? What the heck?
2) If not after the first couple of dates, then when can I let myself get least somewhat emotionally invested? When am I allowed to have butterflies? I can’t help but think I’m gonna end up with a bunch of trust issues after all this, and this surely won’t be the first time it happens to me.
3) How can I communicate better so this kinda stuff doesn’t happen in the future? Is that even possible?
0) Move on. It is possible that she's not lying to you and she does actually want to keep seeing you, but I wouldn't put money on that. Acknowledge to yourself that is was a great couple of dates, you had fun, you enjoyed the spark, but she's not the girl for you. Be happy that you experienced the spark! It will happen again with someone new one day.
1) There are so many reasons that a person would do this. Don't know how to communicate what they're feeling? Fear about how the other person will react? They don't think that they need to communicate it with you because you've only been on a couple of dates?
2) Try not to take this personally! You only went on a couple of dates. I know it feels like a big deal when you haven't had much experience, but don't make it Mt Everest. I have some trust issues because my ex-boyfriend, who I lived with, cheated on me. Developing trust issues over someone you went on a couple of dates with is overkill! And if it means anything: I'm mostly over my trust issues now, because there's no point holding on to pain and it doesn't help anything to try to navigate new people with a map from a past person. People are all different. You will probably get hurt again one day, but it's not not the worst thing that could happen to you. It will help you grow and work out what you want.
3) You can't control other people's actions.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 10:48 PM on September 15, 2014 [6 favorites]
1) There are so many reasons that a person would do this. Don't know how to communicate what they're feeling? Fear about how the other person will react? They don't think that they need to communicate it with you because you've only been on a couple of dates?
2) Try not to take this personally! You only went on a couple of dates. I know it feels like a big deal when you haven't had much experience, but don't make it Mt Everest. I have some trust issues because my ex-boyfriend, who I lived with, cheated on me. Developing trust issues over someone you went on a couple of dates with is overkill! And if it means anything: I'm mostly over my trust issues now, because there's no point holding on to pain and it doesn't help anything to try to navigate new people with a map from a past person. People are all different. You will probably get hurt again one day, but it's not not the worst thing that could happen to you. It will help you grow and work out what you want.
3) You can't control other people's actions.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 10:48 PM on September 15, 2014 [6 favorites]
1) If she’s in fact "pulling the fade”, what in the world drives people to do this? It seems relatively common, or at least more common than I thought it'd be. Is it a fear of confrontation, immaturity, or something else? I just can’t understand it. If we were only messaging back and forth on OKC, not having yet met up, sure, radio silence I can understand, but after a second date like that? And the chemistry and intimacy we had? What the heck?
People can be weird and conflict-averse. Don't take it personally.
Also? You didn't experience much intimacy. You just shared attraction and a couple of nice dates. That's not intimacy.. Intimacy comes later.. when you get to know someone. Over time. More time than you spent with her.
Chemistry isn't intimacy. Say it over and over again.
2) If not after the first couple of dates, then when can I let myself get least somewhat emotionally invested? When am I allowed to have butterflies?
It's normal to want to avoid feeling this way, but.. stop. It's perfectly fine to have butterflies on the very first date. I know I did with my girlfriend. And I also worried that she wasn't interested, after what I interpreted as a lukewarm response after our first date. I was so broken up about it, bitterly complaining to friends, that I was inclined to cut my losses and try to move on. A wise person told me I'd be better off just asking her how she was feeling about our date directly. I did. Turned out it she was very enthusiastic -- but had her reasons for holding back a bit. Reasons that evaporated very, very quickly.
3) How can I communicate better so this kinda stuff doesn’t happen in the future? Is that even possible
You can't. Sorry buddy, but thems the breaks. Sadly, the more this happens, the easier it is to take. It still hurts when things don't work out.. But it's not so shocking. Over time, you learn that despite feeling emotionally invested, you also know the reality that dating is risky. If you want to find love, you take the risk of being disappointed. Again and again.
posted by Gray Skies at 10:56 PM on September 15, 2014 [4 favorites]
People can be weird and conflict-averse. Don't take it personally.
Also? You didn't experience much intimacy. You just shared attraction and a couple of nice dates. That's not intimacy.. Intimacy comes later.. when you get to know someone. Over time. More time than you spent with her.
Chemistry isn't intimacy. Say it over and over again.
2) If not after the first couple of dates, then when can I let myself get least somewhat emotionally invested? When am I allowed to have butterflies?
It's normal to want to avoid feeling this way, but.. stop. It's perfectly fine to have butterflies on the very first date. I know I did with my girlfriend. And I also worried that she wasn't interested, after what I interpreted as a lukewarm response after our first date. I was so broken up about it, bitterly complaining to friends, that I was inclined to cut my losses and try to move on. A wise person told me I'd be better off just asking her how she was feeling about our date directly. I did. Turned out it she was very enthusiastic -- but had her reasons for holding back a bit. Reasons that evaporated very, very quickly.
3) How can I communicate better so this kinda stuff doesn’t happen in the future? Is that even possible
You can't. Sorry buddy, but thems the breaks. Sadly, the more this happens, the easier it is to take. It still hurts when things don't work out.. But it's not so shocking. Over time, you learn that despite feeling emotionally invested, you also know the reality that dating is risky. If you want to find love, you take the risk of being disappointed. Again and again.
posted by Gray Skies at 10:56 PM on September 15, 2014 [4 favorites]
I've had people do a quick fade on me like this, and it's confusing and frustrating and it hurts. But would you really want to know the reason? What could she tell you that would make you feel any better about it?
People do the fade because they just don't want to deal with the awkwardness of breaking it off. It's much, much easier and less stressful to just stop returning calls. You could say they're callous or they're cowardly, but the alternative is for them to have a conversation that won't make anybody happier. There's no winning here.
Other people are maddeningly unpredictable. You can't really trust anybody until you know them well, and even then people can surprise the hell out of you. You just have to go into every relationship with your eyes open while you also practice the golden rule. If you're not a jerk, at least that's one less jerk in the dating pool.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 10:58 PM on September 15, 2014 [10 favorites]
People do the fade because they just don't want to deal with the awkwardness of breaking it off. It's much, much easier and less stressful to just stop returning calls. You could say they're callous or they're cowardly, but the alternative is for them to have a conversation that won't make anybody happier. There's no winning here.
Other people are maddeningly unpredictable. You can't really trust anybody until you know them well, and even then people can surprise the hell out of you. You just have to go into every relationship with your eyes open while you also practice the golden rule. If you're not a jerk, at least that's one less jerk in the dating pool.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 10:58 PM on September 15, 2014 [10 favorites]
Forgot to add:
0) Should just I move on?
Probably. But you could also just ask her if she felt a spark or connection. Pay attention to her response. If it's hesitant in ANY way, move on.
posted by Gray Skies at 11:03 PM on September 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
0) Should just I move on?
Probably. But you could also just ask her if she felt a spark or connection. Pay attention to her response. If it's hesitant in ANY way, move on.
posted by Gray Skies at 11:03 PM on September 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I vote to ping her again. Dates are easy to come by, good dates are not. It sounds like she genuinely enjoyed spending time with you.
I am trying to imagine the flip side of this AskMeFi. She could have gotten hung up on you not wanting to go to coffee (imagining that as being some sort of signal). She could be all weird and introspective about how fast it went and she feels weird about it. She could be super busy and too scrambled to get back to you in a meaningful way. Every now and again, a text doesn't go through! It could be that she was on another date when you texted and she saw it then forgot about it. It could be that she is on her period and wants to sleep with you the next time she sees you and so is holding off until that fateful night.
My point is that it could be any little silly thing and have nothing at all to do with you or that spark.
The only way you'll know is if you ping her again and propose another fun adventure. I recommend an adventure that has something to do with what you guys discussed when fireworks were happening (a certain movie or a certain place or a certain restaurant). If it doesn't work out, fuck it, you can just roll back to everyone else's advice. It does work out, I get your first born... either way, everyone wins!
posted by milqman at 11:40 PM on September 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
I am trying to imagine the flip side of this AskMeFi. She could have gotten hung up on you not wanting to go to coffee (imagining that as being some sort of signal). She could be all weird and introspective about how fast it went and she feels weird about it. She could be super busy and too scrambled to get back to you in a meaningful way. Every now and again, a text doesn't go through! It could be that she was on another date when you texted and she saw it then forgot about it. It could be that she is on her period and wants to sleep with you the next time she sees you and so is holding off until that fateful night.
My point is that it could be any little silly thing and have nothing at all to do with you or that spark.
The only way you'll know is if you ping her again and propose another fun adventure. I recommend an adventure that has something to do with what you guys discussed when fireworks were happening (a certain movie or a certain place or a certain restaurant). If it doesn't work out, fuck it, you can just roll back to everyone else's advice. It does work out, I get your first born... either way, everyone wins!
posted by milqman at 11:40 PM on September 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
I’m feeling disappointed, hurt, and conflicted
Do not be. According to your post, you've been on OKC for a couple of weeks and you have already gotten a couple of dates that were fun and led to pantsless makeout fun time and sleepover - not to mention considerably expanding your somewhat limited experience. If we take a realistic look at what OKC is, you are basically winning at online dating.
and we were both a 96% match, if that matters any
Do not read too much into this - when I tried OKC, I met a bunch of high match % women: some I was crazy about, with some I could see where the match was coming from but didn't see any way of it working out. It's not a very selective algorithm for assessing anything else than basic compatibility.
I feel like our first date set an incredibly, unreasonably high bar that my first dates with other people in the future won't be able to consistently fulfill, if at all.
Don't do that then. If anything, it's unfair to the people you are dating who are not giving you the cold shoulder after a couple of fun dates.
Call her one more time if you want to (seriously, call - don't text: I find the low bandwidth of messaging someone you are not very familiar with is very conducive to drama), but you can't keep doing that forever.
posted by Dr Dracator at 12:03 AM on September 16, 2014 [2 favorites]
Do not be. According to your post, you've been on OKC for a couple of weeks and you have already gotten a couple of dates that were fun and led to pantsless makeout fun time and sleepover - not to mention considerably expanding your somewhat limited experience. If we take a realistic look at what OKC is, you are basically winning at online dating.
and we were both a 96% match, if that matters any
Do not read too much into this - when I tried OKC, I met a bunch of high match % women: some I was crazy about, with some I could see where the match was coming from but didn't see any way of it working out. It's not a very selective algorithm for assessing anything else than basic compatibility.
I feel like our first date set an incredibly, unreasonably high bar that my first dates with other people in the future won't be able to consistently fulfill, if at all.
Don't do that then. If anything, it's unfair to the people you are dating who are not giving you the cold shoulder after a couple of fun dates.
Call her one more time if you want to (seriously, call - don't text: I find the low bandwidth of messaging someone you are not very familiar with is very conducive to drama), but you can't keep doing that forever.
posted by Dr Dracator at 12:03 AM on September 16, 2014 [2 favorites]
I would try her one more time by a means other than texting, then let it go. When you get in touch this last time, ask her if she'd like to get together again soon. I think her response (or lack of response) will make her feelings pretty obvious.
posted by amro at 3:45 AM on September 16, 2014
posted by amro at 3:45 AM on September 16, 2014
0) I don't think it would hurt if you reached out to her one more time. What do you have to lose? Some people might call it clingy or desperate but as long as you keep it casual and light (not "Where have you been, huh?!?!?!"), I wouldn't call it clingy or desperate. But if she doesn't get back to you after another attempt, I'd call it a loss and move on.
1) Is it a fear of confrontation, immaturity, or something else?
All of the above. Breaking up with someone--even when it's just been a few dates--is definitely unpleasant and I can understand why people would want to fade, but to me it shows a lack of basic consideration for the other person's feelings.
She also may be dating other people at the same time (which is perfectly within her right; you should be dating other people on OKC, too!) and she may be pursuing someone who's a better match for her and hence the radio silence. Not condoning it, but just offering another reason for her fade.
2) I don't think you can control if/when you get butterflies; they kind of just hit you without warning and that's what makes you feel all giddy and excited and that's why they're great! Nothing wrong with you; you're just a human being who's found someone he really, really likes. She may not feel the same way but that's on her, not you.
3) There's nothing you can do to prevent it. Sometimes you'll be lucky enough to date someone who, if they're not feeling it anymore, will tell you exactly that (even if it's through a text!). Sometimes you won't and you'll have to "figure it out" through their non-answer answer (which is the WORST, I know, but it happens, unfortunately).
posted by breakfast for dinner at 4:41 AM on September 16, 2014 [1 favorite]
1) Is it a fear of confrontation, immaturity, or something else?
All of the above. Breaking up with someone--even when it's just been a few dates--is definitely unpleasant and I can understand why people would want to fade, but to me it shows a lack of basic consideration for the other person's feelings.
She also may be dating other people at the same time (which is perfectly within her right; you should be dating other people on OKC, too!) and she may be pursuing someone who's a better match for her and hence the radio silence. Not condoning it, but just offering another reason for her fade.
2) I don't think you can control if/when you get butterflies; they kind of just hit you without warning and that's what makes you feel all giddy and excited and that's why they're great! Nothing wrong with you; you're just a human being who's found someone he really, really likes. She may not feel the same way but that's on her, not you.
3) There's nothing you can do to prevent it. Sometimes you'll be lucky enough to date someone who, if they're not feeling it anymore, will tell you exactly that (even if it's through a text!). Sometimes you won't and you'll have to "figure it out" through their non-answer answer (which is the WORST, I know, but it happens, unfortunately).
posted by breakfast for dinner at 4:41 AM on September 16, 2014 [1 favorite]
So you guys were making out pants-less in bed and then you fell asleep? I am assuming there was no actual sex. And then SHE kept waking you up to make out and you still didn't proceed to actual sex? I think this is a miss-match in expectations, and maybe she feels you were not attracted to her enough to want her physically.
Thus, the slow fade resulted from the discomfort she (rightly or wrongly) felt from not knowing why you didn't jump her bones when she took you pantsless to her bed.
posted by fourpotatoes at 4:55 AM on September 16, 2014 [26 favorites]
Thus, the slow fade resulted from the discomfort she (rightly or wrongly) felt from not knowing why you didn't jump her bones when she took you pantsless to her bed.
posted by fourpotatoes at 4:55 AM on September 16, 2014 [26 favorites]
I second that she might have been disappointed that there was no sex. It's too bad you didn't tell her it was your first time. I think you should call her - not text - and tell her that you've really enjoyed the dates, thought there was a spark, and you'd like to give it another try. It easier to reject someone by text. Then, if she agrees, and you get to the makeout stage again, explain to her that you don't have much experience. I think from what you describe, she really likes you and wanted to have sex, and is maybe a little hurt/confused that you didn't. If she says no, you just have to move on.
posted by catatethebird at 5:04 AM on September 16, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by catatethebird at 5:04 AM on September 16, 2014 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I disagree that you should call her. If someone is trying to fade, I think calling forces them to interact with you in a way that they're not comfortable with.
I would send her a message saying you really enjoyed your dates with her and would love to see her again, and that you hope to hear from her, and leave it at that.
Also, "butterflies" should not be the same as "emotionally invested." Butterflies are fun. You feel excited about somebody. But it doesn't mean you can trust them. You might barely know them. After a few dates, even if you felt a major spark, you can't really expect anything from the other person at all. So I would give up worrying about what drives the slow fade... maybe she met somebody else, had a family emergency, learned something about you that was a deal-breaker, decided to become a cloistered nun. You don't know and despite your brief connection, it's none of your business.
tl;dr: Have fun. Try not to get emotionally invested until she's your girlfriend.
posted by chickenmagazine at 5:13 AM on September 16, 2014 [2 favorites]
I would send her a message saying you really enjoyed your dates with her and would love to see her again, and that you hope to hear from her, and leave it at that.
Also, "butterflies" should not be the same as "emotionally invested." Butterflies are fun. You feel excited about somebody. But it doesn't mean you can trust them. You might barely know them. After a few dates, even if you felt a major spark, you can't really expect anything from the other person at all. So I would give up worrying about what drives the slow fade... maybe she met somebody else, had a family emergency, learned something about you that was a deal-breaker, decided to become a cloistered nun. You don't know and despite your brief connection, it's none of your business.
tl;dr: Have fun. Try not to get emotionally invested until she's your girlfriend.
posted by chickenmagazine at 5:13 AM on September 16, 2014 [2 favorites]
I pulled the fade after a few OKC dates with a guy I really, really liked. I'm not saying I'm proud of that, but it happened. If this insight is helpful, I did it because I was dealing with some intense family drama that I did not feel comfortable discussing with said guy (or anyone, really) and I didn't know how to have that conversation with him after the third date. So yes, immaturity, and conflict avoidance, and also that people have things going on in their lives that you may not know about, and that they may not want or need you to know about.
posted by picklesthezombie at 5:48 AM on September 16, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by picklesthezombie at 5:48 AM on September 16, 2014 [1 favorite]
Wait, you texted her a couple of days after your overnight, she texted right back to say her dad was in town but she would be available after, and you didn't reply to that for a week? It sounds to me like she was waiting to be wooed and you dropped the ball - you could have dropped her a couple of flirty notes during the week so she knew you were thinking of her, and suggested grabbing a drink or coffee, and scheduled another date for as soon as she was free. I'm just an old grey hair from before dating was a thing for which you installed an app on your phone, but my recollection is that ladies like gents to show some urgent interest, especially when they've already given up a base or three. Anyway you've got little to lose now, send the girl some flowers or a naughty selfie or something.
posted by nicwolff at 6:05 AM on September 16, 2014 [10 favorites]
posted by nicwolff at 6:05 AM on September 16, 2014 [10 favorites]
Best answer: Hey ok so from reading this it sounds like she's into you but maybe was kind of hoping you'd take some initiative and sex her up. She was waking you up in the middle of the night to make out with you. She basically sent you a fancy, monogramed with gold leaf invitation to the bone zone.
But you weren't ready, and that's completely ok! I'm just saying, as a person who could be her, that is what I would be thinking. And then I'd, admittedly, be a little bored and frustrated by you for not picking up what I was throwing down.
And then if I didn't get a text from you for a week I'd be pretty sure you weren't into me.
If you're into this lady, fucking text her and ask her out on a proper date, and do it now. "Hey, sorry I have been incommunicado. I want to see you again. Can I take you to brunch at brunchplace on Saturday?" or whatever thing sounds like you.
But do it now, and if you're into her but not ready to have sex yet, and you are having pantsless makeouts, for chrissakes tell her you're super into her but just not ready yet.
posted by phunniemee at 6:16 AM on September 16, 2014 [16 favorites]
But you weren't ready, and that's completely ok! I'm just saying, as a person who could be her, that is what I would be thinking. And then I'd, admittedly, be a little bored and frustrated by you for not picking up what I was throwing down.
And then if I didn't get a text from you for a week I'd be pretty sure you weren't into me.
If you're into this lady, fucking text her and ask her out on a proper date, and do it now. "Hey, sorry I have been incommunicado. I want to see you again. Can I take you to brunch at brunchplace on Saturday?" or whatever thing sounds like you.
But do it now, and if you're into her but not ready to have sex yet, and you are having pantsless makeouts, for chrissakes tell her you're super into her but just not ready yet.
posted by phunniemee at 6:16 AM on September 16, 2014 [16 favorites]
Text is horrible. Pick up the phone and call. Not only is it gentlemanly, it will set you above the rest. If someone's dad is in town for a week, it is ok to call them mid-week (ie you don't have to wait a full week) to chat for 5 mins. That wasn't a brush off, it was just her letting you know where it's at so you're not confused. But you read it as a 'go away' which it was Not.
Call this girl! Apologize for the mixup and see what happens.
If you are new to dating, these things happen. Sparks fly, and then fizzle. Slow burns heat up unexpectedly. Just take it as it comes. If you like someone, be clear and consistent. If you're not sure, don't lead anyone on. You sound sensible, aware of yourself, so even if this one doesn't work out, my magic-8 ball predicts more sparks in your future.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 6:25 AM on September 16, 2014 [2 favorites]
Call this girl! Apologize for the mixup and see what happens.
If you are new to dating, these things happen. Sparks fly, and then fizzle. Slow burns heat up unexpectedly. Just take it as it comes. If you like someone, be clear and consistent. If you're not sure, don't lead anyone on. You sound sensible, aware of yourself, so even if this one doesn't work out, my magic-8 ball predicts more sparks in your future.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 6:25 AM on September 16, 2014 [2 favorites]
She may have wanted to fuck. And when you didn't, she may have decided you're not for her. Which is fine, actually, because just as you don't have to do anything you're not ready for, she has no obligation to coach you up or be with someone who doesn't meet her needs.
It sounds like a slow fade, yeah, for that reason or another. (Maybe she met someone else. Maybe grandma died. Maybe she wanted a fling and isn't over an ex. Who knows!)
You need to risk getting hurt. You need to get hurt. That's dating and love and part of the human experience. Sorry, it sucks, but there it is. You can't prevent it.
posted by J. Wilson at 6:48 AM on September 16, 2014 [3 favorites]
It sounds like a slow fade, yeah, for that reason or another. (Maybe she met someone else. Maybe grandma died. Maybe she wanted a fling and isn't over an ex. Who knows!)
You need to risk getting hurt. You need to get hurt. That's dating and love and part of the human experience. Sorry, it sucks, but there it is. You can't prevent it.
posted by J. Wilson at 6:48 AM on September 16, 2014 [3 favorites]
Ask her out again. See what happens. Try you best to stop bean plating!
Maybe her dad is in town. Maybe she's as besotted as you. Maybe she's playing games. Maybe she has a big zit and is avoiding romance until it fades.
Just ask her out again using the message scripts provided.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 6:49 AM on September 16, 2014 [1 favorite]
Maybe her dad is in town. Maybe she's as besotted as you. Maybe she's playing games. Maybe she has a big zit and is avoiding romance until it fades.
Just ask her out again using the message scripts provided.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 6:49 AM on September 16, 2014 [1 favorite]
If you like her, definitely ask her again. The worst she will say is no, and though it may sting, you can move on and never have to look back and think "What if I had tried one more time just to make sure there was no miscommunication?"
Trust me you will probably wish you had tried.
posted by christiehawk at 7:16 AM on September 16, 2014 [1 favorite]
Trust me you will probably wish you had tried.
posted by christiehawk at 7:16 AM on September 16, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I was thinking, hey, cool, my first kiss! That was easy! And kind of nice! Even though it was a little awkward (first times and burnt mouth and all), she seemed to be having fun too, although I was a little too nervous to let her know that it was my first time.
So I'm reading your narrative again and just realizing you wrote this.
Wait a sec -- this was your first kiss?
Does this also mean that you're a virgin?
If so (and actually, regardless of whether you're a virgin) .. have you figured out when/how you will approach sex?
Because if you haven't figured this out, then engaging with sexually active women is going to be really awkward, for both you and the women.
Nthing everyone who mentioned that she might think you're not into her. Pants-off making out, waking up in the middle of the night to keep making out.. but no sex? Without an explanation -- and especially with your not wanting coffee that morning -- it could certainly feel like a blow-off to her.
If you're wildly attracted to her, but not interested in sex yet, you need to tell her that. As a rule, don't make out with people with your pants off before/unless you've determined your timeline for/approach to sex.
posted by Gray Skies at 7:25 AM on September 16, 2014 [5 favorites]
So I'm reading your narrative again and just realizing you wrote this.
Wait a sec -- this was your first kiss?
Does this also mean that you're a virgin?
If so (and actually, regardless of whether you're a virgin) .. have you figured out when/how you will approach sex?
Because if you haven't figured this out, then engaging with sexually active women is going to be really awkward, for both you and the women.
Nthing everyone who mentioned that she might think you're not into her. Pants-off making out, waking up in the middle of the night to keep making out.. but no sex? Without an explanation -- and especially with your not wanting coffee that morning -- it could certainly feel like a blow-off to her.
If you're wildly attracted to her, but not interested in sex yet, you need to tell her that. As a rule, don't make out with people with your pants off before/unless you've determined your timeline for/approach to sex.
posted by Gray Skies at 7:25 AM on September 16, 2014 [5 favorites]
Pants-less making out between 20-somethings generally leads to sex, OR a conversation about how one or both of you doesn't like to rush into sex with a new person and would rather wait a bit. If you didn't have sex or address the lack of sex, she may have felt pretty weird about it.
(Personally, I don't do pantsless bed makeouts until we're ready to sleep with each other...way too sexually frustrating on both sides.)
In the future, if gray skies is right and you're a virgin, wait a bit longer before going to bed and be prepared to tell her that you're not that experienced, and that you'd like to take it slow before sleeping together. Or if you're ready, sleep with her!
posted by amaire at 7:32 AM on September 16, 2014 [2 favorites]
(Personally, I don't do pantsless bed makeouts until we're ready to sleep with each other...way too sexually frustrating on both sides.)
In the future, if gray skies is right and you're a virgin, wait a bit longer before going to bed and be prepared to tell her that you're not that experienced, and that you'd like to take it slow before sleeping together. Or if you're ready, sleep with her!
posted by amaire at 7:32 AM on September 16, 2014 [2 favorites]
Lots of women join OKCupid for casual transition dating, not intending to wind up with a boyfriend or regular lover. As a lady who did OKC for a bit, I had freakouts over liking one person too much for what my goals were (dating around with casual sexing here and there).
YMMV, and she probably states this somewhere in her profile, but my thinking on this is that her attraction to you was real and her enjoyment of you was real. But things happened with some intensity and now she's in over her head but she wants to remain single for a while and date around but she really likes you but she's not ready to get intense with you on a regular basis and how do you express that and life is busy busy busy, no time to text a complex and nuanced emotional reaction, so slow fade.
posted by magdalemon at 7:46 AM on September 16, 2014
YMMV, and she probably states this somewhere in her profile, but my thinking on this is that her attraction to you was real and her enjoyment of you was real. But things happened with some intensity and now she's in over her head but she wants to remain single for a while and date around but she really likes you but she's not ready to get intense with you on a regular basis and how do you express that and life is busy busy busy, no time to text a complex and nuanced emotional reaction, so slow fade.
posted by magdalemon at 7:46 AM on September 16, 2014
Repeat after me, "I cannot read minds"
Then act as if she will not contact you again and continue on OK Cupid. There are other fish in the sea.
Let her do the recontacting, which, I suspect, but cannot be certain, she will do.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:02 AM on September 16, 2014
Then act as if she will not contact you again and continue on OK Cupid. There are other fish in the sea.
Let her do the recontacting, which, I suspect, but cannot be certain, she will do.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:02 AM on September 16, 2014
0. Yes. She doesn't seem interested. Maybe she was expecting sex, maybe she's going out with other people and has a better connection, physically or otherwise, with someone else, who knows. It's too bad, but totally out of your control. For others, don't put such high expectations on first dates...maybe you won't hit it off instantly with the next person, but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy their company or that it might develop more slowly.
1. Very common. I think unfortunately all you can do is accept that, and try not to do it yourself.
2. It's great to be emotionally open early on, but you probably won't know for at least a few months whether something is really going somewhere.
3. As others have said, you could explicitly ask a date to just let you know if she's not interested (via text or email, I think, not in person, which is just awkward). But I don't think communication is the big issue here, just the fact that (most likely) she's not interested, and unfortunately, there's nothing you can do about that. Concentrate on other people.
posted by three_red_balloons at 9:24 AM on September 16, 2014
1. Very common. I think unfortunately all you can do is accept that, and try not to do it yourself.
2. It's great to be emotionally open early on, but you probably won't know for at least a few months whether something is really going somewhere.
3. As others have said, you could explicitly ask a date to just let you know if she's not interested (via text or email, I think, not in person, which is just awkward). But I don't think communication is the big issue here, just the fact that (most likely) she's not interested, and unfortunately, there's nothing you can do about that. Concentrate on other people.
posted by three_red_balloons at 9:24 AM on September 16, 2014
Best answer: I get that it's hard when you have a connection with someone and they disappear. You may never know why, but know that it happens and the best thing you can do is acknowledge your disappointment and move on.
Don't dwell and don't deconstruct every little thing you did and said. At this point it's all in the past.
Here's some info you might find helpful:
1. If you stay the night, stay for breakfast. Bolting out saying you need sleep...it may be true, but it leaves one feeling like one should look for money on the dresser.
2. Before you take off pants, you should have a serious discussion about sex, your history (or lack thereof) and your expectations. So if it's too awkward to discuss, it's too early in the date/relationship to do sexual stuff.
3. Before you leave after an overnight, say something lovely, "I really enjoyed last night, I hate to leave. When can we get together again?" Because sometimes people have regrets, and it's nice to know that no only do you not regret it, but you want to do it again.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:32 AM on September 16, 2014 [6 favorites]
Don't dwell and don't deconstruct every little thing you did and said. At this point it's all in the past.
Here's some info you might find helpful:
1. If you stay the night, stay for breakfast. Bolting out saying you need sleep...it may be true, but it leaves one feeling like one should look for money on the dresser.
2. Before you take off pants, you should have a serious discussion about sex, your history (or lack thereof) and your expectations. So if it's too awkward to discuss, it's too early in the date/relationship to do sexual stuff.
3. Before you leave after an overnight, say something lovely, "I really enjoyed last night, I hate to leave. When can we get together again?" Because sometimes people have regrets, and it's nice to know that no only do you not regret it, but you want to do it again.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:32 AM on September 16, 2014 [6 favorites]
You have some really interesting responses upthread!!! I really hope some of them are right, you sound like a nice guy who really likes (what you know) of someone and it's refreshing to hear a young guy be anti-impressed with apparent slow fades.
I vote for contacting her but my track record in affairs of the heart ain't the greatest.
Generally net dating - as I observe others engage in it - seems to invite a kid in a sweet shop/disposability type of mentality (I'm not assuming that is whats happening here). Personally I find it pretty revolting but it seems to be an increasingly accepted (dare I say it somewhat Americanised) take on things.
Big discussions about what you have and haven't done sexually as you're getting your pants off? For me that could be a serious passion killer actually. Being with those body feelings and the connection was more my thing.. often you don't quite know what and where things will go... sometimes it's ok not to know, it's all a bit context dependent.
Yeah there's a time and place for talking and some reflective time re: sex (and certainly thinking about contraception prior).. wow, what a lot it all is to negotiate, when you think about it!
posted by tanktop at 10:53 AM on September 16, 2014
I vote for contacting her but my track record in affairs of the heart ain't the greatest.
Generally net dating - as I observe others engage in it - seems to invite a kid in a sweet shop/disposability type of mentality (I'm not assuming that is whats happening here). Personally I find it pretty revolting but it seems to be an increasingly accepted (dare I say it somewhat Americanised) take on things.
Big discussions about what you have and haven't done sexually as you're getting your pants off? For me that could be a serious passion killer actually. Being with those body feelings and the connection was more my thing.. often you don't quite know what and where things will go... sometimes it's ok not to know, it's all a bit context dependent.
Yeah there's a time and place for talking and some reflective time re: sex (and certainly thinking about contraception prior).. wow, what a lot it all is to negotiate, when you think about it!
posted by tanktop at 10:53 AM on September 16, 2014
Response by poster: Thanks, guys! There's lots of food for thought here, and I will definitely be more open in these kinds of situations in the future. I ended up trying to get in touch one last time, and I'm going to leave it at that. I found out that she deleted her profile, so I'm going to assume that something came up in her life that has nothing to do with me, or she's going through some kind of rough patch right now, or something. In any case, I really hope she's doing okay. Thanks again, green!
posted by un petit cadeau at 8:48 PM on September 16, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by un petit cadeau at 8:48 PM on September 16, 2014 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
1) Because people don't like hurting other people...or, rather, they don't want to experience hurting other people.
2) You can do that when there's some manner of reciprocity. But there's no foolproof way to avoid it. You gotta put your heart out there...and it may sometimes get squished.
3) Tell people up front that it's cool with you if they're not feeling it, just please let you know that they aren't interested anymore and it's fine.
posted by inturnaround at 10:03 PM on September 15, 2014 [4 favorites]