Sex, Lies, and Drama
September 15, 2014 2:25 PM Subscribe
How do I deal with the fallout from two close friends cheating with each other on a third close friend within the same social circle?
I'm in a group of friends of late 20's lesbians. I just found out that two of my friends (I will call them A and B) have suddenly started hooking up, which shocked me because B has been in a relationship with person C for a while, and C is another good friend of mine and an integral part of this social circle as well.
A told me on the phone that her and B had gone to an event, and suddenly realized that they were in love with each other, and they ended up hooking up, and hooked up for almost a week straight every day, with B going back home to C like nothing happened.
A demanded B tell C, and it sounds like she did today. A texted me and told me that B broke up with C and is now with her.
I am having a hard time digesting all of this. It has left a horrible taste in my mouth and I'm struggling over how to react. I'm a bit disgusted by this behavior, and I feel terrible for C. I feel like my view of A and B has been permanently tarnished. It sucks - it was such a great group of friends and now it's in chaos and I'm kind of being affected by the fallout.
Another issue is that I'm questioning my friendship with A now. We had gotten quite close over the last year, but it's not the first time I've become suspicious of her motives and her judgment. Which is fine - people can do as they please and I will or will not hang out with them or support them. However about three months ago I had a bit of a fight with her after she went after someone we both had feelings for RIGHT in front of me, and I felt it was a very selfish move. This time she blatantly went after someone in a relationship and is claiming that person C wasn't so much her friend as person B was (which I am going to call bullshit on).
Oh boy. It really sucks because A is trying to find support from me since we've been so close, but I can't for the life of me see how I'm going to support this new relationship.
Another issue that is bugging me a bit that I guess I should mention is that (in proper lesbian form, haha), person B and I had hooked up about a year ago. It was a drunken thing that wasn't very serious, I ended up not wanting to date her as I didn't have romantic feelings for her, and everything became amicable and we moved on to being good friends. However I don't know why it's bugging me so much that A is now with B. I shouldn't care, really, and it never bothered me that B and C were together, but maybe it's the way that it all happened that's bugging me? [To be clear: I have no feelings for any of these girls.] I just feel like seeing them together is going to bother me a lot.
It seems like A is turning into a bad apple and is destroying a group of friends that I had initially introduced her to (I introduced her to B, C, and all their friends). She's claiming that she was always so much better friends with B and wasn't really friends with C, which I am going to call bullshit on.
Another thing is that my view of B is also tarnished now, as I honestly am shocked that she had it in her to do this to her girlfriend.
I just don't know what to think, what to say to them, or how to even approach hanging out with them when I come back from my trip. It all happened so suddenly and without any warning, and I'm left shaking my head and thinking that they have quite frankly gone insane.
Has anyone been through this? Does anyone have any words of advice on how to proceed in talking to them about everything? I'm torn between feeling like I should say how I really feel, or just step back and let them do their thing and just preserve any friendships so all this can shake out. Person A is SO excited and telling me how in love she is now etc etc, and I'm just standing here with my jaw on the floor. How can I be happy for her? What do I even say to her? And what do I begin to say to person C when I see her?
I'm in a group of friends of late 20's lesbians. I just found out that two of my friends (I will call them A and B) have suddenly started hooking up, which shocked me because B has been in a relationship with person C for a while, and C is another good friend of mine and an integral part of this social circle as well.
A told me on the phone that her and B had gone to an event, and suddenly realized that they were in love with each other, and they ended up hooking up, and hooked up for almost a week straight every day, with B going back home to C like nothing happened.
A demanded B tell C, and it sounds like she did today. A texted me and told me that B broke up with C and is now with her.
I am having a hard time digesting all of this. It has left a horrible taste in my mouth and I'm struggling over how to react. I'm a bit disgusted by this behavior, and I feel terrible for C. I feel like my view of A and B has been permanently tarnished. It sucks - it was such a great group of friends and now it's in chaos and I'm kind of being affected by the fallout.
Another issue is that I'm questioning my friendship with A now. We had gotten quite close over the last year, but it's not the first time I've become suspicious of her motives and her judgment. Which is fine - people can do as they please and I will or will not hang out with them or support them. However about three months ago I had a bit of a fight with her after she went after someone we both had feelings for RIGHT in front of me, and I felt it was a very selfish move. This time she blatantly went after someone in a relationship and is claiming that person C wasn't so much her friend as person B was (which I am going to call bullshit on).
Oh boy. It really sucks because A is trying to find support from me since we've been so close, but I can't for the life of me see how I'm going to support this new relationship.
Another issue that is bugging me a bit that I guess I should mention is that (in proper lesbian form, haha), person B and I had hooked up about a year ago. It was a drunken thing that wasn't very serious, I ended up not wanting to date her as I didn't have romantic feelings for her, and everything became amicable and we moved on to being good friends. However I don't know why it's bugging me so much that A is now with B. I shouldn't care, really, and it never bothered me that B and C were together, but maybe it's the way that it all happened that's bugging me? [To be clear: I have no feelings for any of these girls.] I just feel like seeing them together is going to bother me a lot.
It seems like A is turning into a bad apple and is destroying a group of friends that I had initially introduced her to (I introduced her to B, C, and all their friends). She's claiming that she was always so much better friends with B and wasn't really friends with C, which I am going to call bullshit on.
Another thing is that my view of B is also tarnished now, as I honestly am shocked that she had it in her to do this to her girlfriend.
I just don't know what to think, what to say to them, or how to even approach hanging out with them when I come back from my trip. It all happened so suddenly and without any warning, and I'm left shaking my head and thinking that they have quite frankly gone insane.
Has anyone been through this? Does anyone have any words of advice on how to proceed in talking to them about everything? I'm torn between feeling like I should say how I really feel, or just step back and let them do their thing and just preserve any friendships so all this can shake out. Person A is SO excited and telling me how in love she is now etc etc, and I'm just standing here with my jaw on the floor. How can I be happy for her? What do I even say to her? And what do I begin to say to person C when I see her?
Lgbt circles tend to be small even in big cities and situations like this occur. They did not act maturely about the situation of what was expected in their relationship especially if the relationship was a monogamous no cheating thing.
Personally I can't deal with that kind of drama and don't. But I also don't have many Lgbt friends as a result.
My advice is to listen and be respectful of you want to maintain your relationships. Ask open ended questions and reflect back to them gently if your saying negative things.
posted by AlexiaSky at 2:36 PM on September 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
Personally I can't deal with that kind of drama and don't. But I also don't have many Lgbt friends as a result.
My advice is to listen and be respectful of you want to maintain your relationships. Ask open ended questions and reflect back to them gently if your saying negative things.
posted by AlexiaSky at 2:36 PM on September 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
Distance yourself from A if for no other reason then that you can't handle her right now.
Ultimately, yes, step back and see how it all shakes out. And pay attention to things you see (not to things you are told) because you may need reevaluate some friends.
Look, I have a couple of friends no one - no one - should date or be in any way involved with. I use being incredibly bland and dull to derail conversations that are headed for drama about their drama-riddled user-y lets-not-call-it-love lives.
This is quite a shock. Resist the urge to talk about how you feel. Journal or send me me mail or something. Talking about your feelings within this group will lead to no good. (If you really truly think someone was a bad actor, as distinguished from careless and selfish and young, my answer changes to wait a couple of months and then make your feelings known.)
posted by Lesser Shrew at 2:37 PM on September 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
Ultimately, yes, step back and see how it all shakes out. And pay attention to things you see (not to things you are told) because you may need reevaluate some friends.
Look, I have a couple of friends no one - no one - should date or be in any way involved with. I use being incredibly bland and dull to derail conversations that are headed for drama about their drama-riddled user-y lets-not-call-it-love lives.
This is quite a shock. Resist the urge to talk about how you feel. Journal or send me me mail or something. Talking about your feelings within this group will lead to no good. (If you really truly think someone was a bad actor, as distinguished from careless and selfish and young, my answer changes to wait a couple of months and then make your feelings known.)
posted by Lesser Shrew at 2:37 PM on September 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: How can I be happy for her? What do I even say to her? And what do I begin to say to person C when I see her?
You aren't required to be happy for her. It's okay to say to her that you aren't comfortable with what happened, you need some time to process.
Since you are very sympathetic to C, I see nothing wrong with letting her know you feel this must absolutely suck for her. It is possible to express support and sympathy for her without talking trash about A and B. It's not easy but it can be done.
I try to stay out of people's personal (sexual) lives as much as possible. But one thing you need to think about is how you personally feel about your own friendship with A. It sounds like you don't really trust her, and with good reason. You mention some things beyond this incident that make you uncomfortable. So maybe that's a question you need to think about for your own sake: Does this event, along with other things you have seen her do, make you feel this is not someone you really want to be friends with?
posted by Michele in California at 2:46 PM on September 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
You aren't required to be happy for her. It's okay to say to her that you aren't comfortable with what happened, you need some time to process.
Since you are very sympathetic to C, I see nothing wrong with letting her know you feel this must absolutely suck for her. It is possible to express support and sympathy for her without talking trash about A and B. It's not easy but it can be done.
I try to stay out of people's personal (sexual) lives as much as possible. But one thing you need to think about is how you personally feel about your own friendship with A. It sounds like you don't really trust her, and with good reason. You mention some things beyond this incident that make you uncomfortable. So maybe that's a question you need to think about for your own sake: Does this event, along with other things you have seen her do, make you feel this is not someone you really want to be friends with?
posted by Michele in California at 2:46 PM on September 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
Why are you putting all the blame on A? You should be mad at B, since B is the one who cheated. A could have an excuse - maybe she was told that B was in an open relationship - but B has no excuse.
I'm sorry to say that the social circle is probably done now, at least in its current form.
I have been in almost your exact situation, although in my case C was a close friend of mine and I didn't know A and B as well. What I did was to engage in zero gossiping or drama, stay friends with C and tell her I'm happy to talk if that would be helpful to her, be polite but have minimal interaction with A, and no longer interact with B.
posted by medusa at 3:01 PM on September 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
I'm sorry to say that the social circle is probably done now, at least in its current form.
I have been in almost your exact situation, although in my case C was a close friend of mine and I didn't know A and B as well. What I did was to engage in zero gossiping or drama, stay friends with C and tell her I'm happy to talk if that would be helpful to her, be polite but have minimal interaction with A, and no longer interact with B.
posted by medusa at 3:01 PM on September 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
Has anyone been through this? Does anyone have any words of advice on how to proceed in talking to them about everything? I'm torn between feeling like I should say how I really feel, or just step back and let them do their thing and just preserve any friendships so all this can shake out.
Do not try to talk to everyone about this. You will just add more drama, and this really, really isn't about you.
In my experience, in situations like this, there is no "being friends with everyone." Someone gets the friends. My guess is that it will be C. Which frankly sounds like where you should put your friendship because A and B sound like they have poor judgement.
So my advice to you would be: put on your big-girl pants and tell A and B that while you are glad they are happy and you get that sometimes it shakes down like this, your thoughts and focus are with C right now. If your community is small, you continue to be friendly when you see them, etc, but you are perfectly fine to not be friends with them.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:03 PM on September 15, 2014 [5 favorites]
Do not try to talk to everyone about this. You will just add more drama, and this really, really isn't about you.
In my experience, in situations like this, there is no "being friends with everyone." Someone gets the friends. My guess is that it will be C. Which frankly sounds like where you should put your friendship because A and B sound like they have poor judgement.
So my advice to you would be: put on your big-girl pants and tell A and B that while you are glad they are happy and you get that sometimes it shakes down like this, your thoughts and focus are with C right now. If your community is small, you continue to be friendly when you see them, etc, but you are perfectly fine to not be friends with them.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:03 PM on September 15, 2014 [5 favorites]
It's good you're getting out of Dodge for awhile because you don't want to be anywhere NEAR this for at least a month.
Reach out to C to see how she's doing but do NOT badmouth anyone to her. Who knows what will happen, and if you slag B to her, and they end up back together...it will be BEYOND awkward. Be supportive of her and if it ends up that C reconciles with B, fake being happy for her. There's a non zero chance of that happening BTW.
Commiserate with C, help her pack up her stuff if that's what needs to happen. See your friends one-on-one for awhile. A and B will probably be in the midst of new couple passion or drama and they won't notice if you keep your distance, and you should.
If either of them wants to engage with you, claim a hectic schedule, if pressed and you really want to say something, "I'm really uncomfortable with how both of you betrayed C. I'm trying not to judge, but for now, I'm angry with both of you so I think it's best if I back off for awhile." But it's better if you can get away with saying nothing.
There is nothing more boring than relationship drama. Well there is one thing, getting in the middle of someone else's.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 3:03 PM on September 15, 2014 [4 favorites]
Reach out to C to see how she's doing but do NOT badmouth anyone to her. Who knows what will happen, and if you slag B to her, and they end up back together...it will be BEYOND awkward. Be supportive of her and if it ends up that C reconciles with B, fake being happy for her. There's a non zero chance of that happening BTW.
Commiserate with C, help her pack up her stuff if that's what needs to happen. See your friends one-on-one for awhile. A and B will probably be in the midst of new couple passion or drama and they won't notice if you keep your distance, and you should.
If either of them wants to engage with you, claim a hectic schedule, if pressed and you really want to say something, "I'm really uncomfortable with how both of you betrayed C. I'm trying not to judge, but for now, I'm angry with both of you so I think it's best if I back off for awhile." But it's better if you can get away with saying nothing.
There is nothing more boring than relationship drama. Well there is one thing, getting in the middle of someone else's.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 3:03 PM on September 15, 2014 [4 favorites]
Oh, this is easier than you think.
A is NOT your friend and you should slowly back out the door, then hang garlic and cast down salt *ahem!* I mean do the slow fade, hide her on social media and never ever ever be friends with this back stabber ever again.
B is collateral damage. Slow fade and hide on social media, too. She's not trustworthy, either.
C is still in your social circle. Express sympathy, and then show support or not as appropriate with your friendship.
------
The group of friends is over. Make other social plans, starting right away.
Resist shit talking A & B, but yes, keep them at arms length. I know your city might be on the small side, you don't want enemies. Slow fade. Slow fade.
Get new close friends. Stay faaar away from this drama. Move on.
Avoid A's texts, etc.. Don't let her rope you into this mess. Added bonus? Being non-committal and backing away without weighing in will drive A secretly nutz. Good.
posted by jbenben at 3:07 PM on September 15, 2014 [13 favorites]
A is NOT your friend and you should slowly back out the door, then hang garlic and cast down salt *ahem!* I mean do the slow fade, hide her on social media and never ever ever be friends with this back stabber ever again.
B is collateral damage. Slow fade and hide on social media, too. She's not trustworthy, either.
C is still in your social circle. Express sympathy, and then show support or not as appropriate with your friendship.
------
The group of friends is over. Make other social plans, starting right away.
Resist shit talking A & B, but yes, keep them at arms length. I know your city might be on the small side, you don't want enemies. Slow fade. Slow fade.
Get new close friends. Stay faaar away from this drama. Move on.
Avoid A's texts, etc.. Don't let her rope you into this mess. Added bonus? Being non-committal and backing away without weighing in will drive A secretly nutz. Good.
posted by jbenben at 3:07 PM on September 15, 2014 [13 favorites]
As a gay woman in a big city, I can say that LGBT social circles are small. I would stay out of it, but don't trust A or B again. Express sympathy for C.
But also do this in a way that is not going to have A or B (or even C) angry or exclude you. It's nice to have a group to do LGBT events with - and to have a community. Maybe go to some LGBT events with them, but there keep an eye out for new friends.
Once you have met a few other women from events / dating / etc. organize activities without A or B. You have just rebuilt a new circle.
posted by pando11 at 5:21 PM on September 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
But also do this in a way that is not going to have A or B (or even C) angry or exclude you. It's nice to have a group to do LGBT events with - and to have a community. Maybe go to some LGBT events with them, but there keep an eye out for new friends.
Once you have met a few other women from events / dating / etc. organize activities without A or B. You have just rebuilt a new circle.
posted by pando11 at 5:21 PM on September 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Won't thread sit but I see the most popular advice is to stay out of it....I suppose that's possible but it's going to be HARD. A and I are very close (or so I thought?) and distancing myself will become glaringly obvious, that's why I'm so distressed over this. So simply staying out of it is a bit like doing the slow fade. Maybe it won't be so hard though, time will tell.
I will point out like others have that it's tough to find LGBT friends and thankfully I have a few other circles to fall back on. But it does make it harder to just cut people out, especially after investing time in these relationships :-/ but I'm greatly appreciating the unbiased advice so far. This is a crazy grade A bad situation so thank you.
posted by christiehawk at 7:04 PM on September 15, 2014
I will point out like others have that it's tough to find LGBT friends and thankfully I have a few other circles to fall back on. But it does make it harder to just cut people out, especially after investing time in these relationships :-/ but I'm greatly appreciating the unbiased advice so far. This is a crazy grade A bad situation so thank you.
posted by christiehawk at 7:04 PM on September 15, 2014
Best answer: You do not necessarily have to reject A and do the slow fade to stay out of it.
I try to stay out of people's sex lives because everyone has a back story and what you know about what goes on behind closed doors is like not even scratching the surface in most cases. So if you decide C is the victim and go with that, then maybe later you learn that C was treating B terribly which is why B was unfaithful, so you go with apologizing to B and shunning C. And then you learn some new thing...and round and round we go. And if you keep looking for who is to blame here, you will be sorting through their respective childhoods and then their parents lives, and then their grandparents lives and on and on and the ultimate answer is ... Adam and Eve.
I reserve that kind of effort for sorting my own personal crap out. Done. I don't have time and energy for wondering about the backstory and motives of people I am not personally considering sleeping with in the near-ish future.
So I would try to tell A (and B and C) that it's between them and not my business and I don't really want to discuss it. If A just keeps gushing about how happy she is, I would give some pushback in the form of "Yeah, well, from a third person perspective -- MINE -- it looks like you did a kind of crappy thing. So if you don't want to hear that from me, then please kindly refrain from sharing. Mmmkay?"
If A just cannot stop throwing it in your face, you may have no choice but to say "Yeah, I am done here. Sorry." But if A can accept that "Look, I was friends with all three of you and my loyalties are torn and I hurt for C, please don't drag me into it." then you might be able to retain those friendships.
Just focus on you not starting drama over it. If they bring it up, say "Yeah, sorry, I was friends with all three and I don't want to go there." The ones who can't respect your boundaries in that regard are the ones you walk away from, for that reason, not because of the drama between them.
posted by Michele in California at 7:24 PM on September 15, 2014 [8 favorites]
I try to stay out of people's sex lives because everyone has a back story and what you know about what goes on behind closed doors is like not even scratching the surface in most cases. So if you decide C is the victim and go with that, then maybe later you learn that C was treating B terribly which is why B was unfaithful, so you go with apologizing to B and shunning C. And then you learn some new thing...and round and round we go. And if you keep looking for who is to blame here, you will be sorting through their respective childhoods and then their parents lives, and then their grandparents lives and on and on and the ultimate answer is ... Adam and Eve.
I reserve that kind of effort for sorting my own personal crap out. Done. I don't have time and energy for wondering about the backstory and motives of people I am not personally considering sleeping with in the near-ish future.
So I would try to tell A (and B and C) that it's between them and not my business and I don't really want to discuss it. If A just keeps gushing about how happy she is, I would give some pushback in the form of "Yeah, well, from a third person perspective -- MINE -- it looks like you did a kind of crappy thing. So if you don't want to hear that from me, then please kindly refrain from sharing. Mmmkay?"
If A just cannot stop throwing it in your face, you may have no choice but to say "Yeah, I am done here. Sorry." But if A can accept that "Look, I was friends with all three of you and my loyalties are torn and I hurt for C, please don't drag me into it." then you might be able to retain those friendships.
Just focus on you not starting drama over it. If they bring it up, say "Yeah, sorry, I was friends with all three and I don't want to go there." The ones who can't respect your boundaries in that regard are the ones you walk away from, for that reason, not because of the drama between them.
posted by Michele in California at 7:24 PM on September 15, 2014 [8 favorites]
Best answer: It's not your business to call BS on anyone or anything. Don't try to feel happy for anyone, either -- instead, tell them you hope things go well for them... the same good wishes you'd give whether someone is in desperate pain or giddy with infatuation. Decide how you feel about anyone involved based on yourself and what you need. If you distrust any of the cast, then be cautious and put whatever distance you need between yourself and them. The lady who was dumped -- express your compassion but definitely keep your comments positive. Try as hard as you can not to gossip with anyone about any of it.
The friend who's excited and in love probably feels like she and her beloved are the center of the universe. Just smile, say you're glad she's happy, and go on your way. The two of them aren't going to be much fun to be around until things settle down. After a while, you'll be able to see how they interact around you and others, and can decide whether you want to be in their presence.
Judge all you want, but not out loud. Your anger and indignation might feel good right now, but they don't help anyone. And who knows what comments of yours are going to get repeated, exaggerated, or twisted.
Ask yourself what's right for you and your well-being. It's not your role to criticize or punish anyone. It's also not your role to save the innocent victim. I don't blame you at all for getting agitated about the selfishness and drama... it's super hard to avoid. But take a breath and behave calmly, and maybe a few others with follow.
posted by wryly at 8:10 PM on September 15, 2014 [3 favorites]
The friend who's excited and in love probably feels like she and her beloved are the center of the universe. Just smile, say you're glad she's happy, and go on your way. The two of them aren't going to be much fun to be around until things settle down. After a while, you'll be able to see how they interact around you and others, and can decide whether you want to be in their presence.
Judge all you want, but not out loud. Your anger and indignation might feel good right now, but they don't help anyone. And who knows what comments of yours are going to get repeated, exaggerated, or twisted.
Ask yourself what's right for you and your well-being. It's not your role to criticize or punish anyone. It's also not your role to save the innocent victim. I don't blame you at all for getting agitated about the selfishness and drama... it's super hard to avoid. But take a breath and behave calmly, and maybe a few others with follow.
posted by wryly at 8:10 PM on September 15, 2014 [3 favorites]
A lot will depend on how C feels and on how serious these relationships were and are (and possibly how old / recently out everyone is). There are definitely sometimes circles where, basically, everyone ends up hooking up with each other over a few years and remain friends after going through some drama. It can be kind of like college - a lot of drama, a lot of sleeping around, but eventually it's sort of all forgiven.
I don't know that that's the vibe of your group - just saying, it does happen in same-sex social circles. The lines between friendships and dating can be blurry, and if everyone is young and not married and like to get a drink now and then...
posted by mdn at 8:36 PM on September 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
I don't know that that's the vibe of your group - just saying, it does happen in same-sex social circles. The lines between friendships and dating can be blurry, and if everyone is young and not married and like to get a drink now and then...
posted by mdn at 8:36 PM on September 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Upon your update - I know A is trying to draw you into this, she's a lying narcissistic black pit of drama trying to suck you in and ultimately validate the hurt she directly caused C.
Remain non-committal and pleasant. No matter what. Remain non-committal and pleasant.
It's actually pretty easy! Just remember in the back of your mind every time you deal with her what a crazy backstabbing lying piece of shit she is.
Do you have non-LGBT friends in an entirely different social circle? Find one of them and process this with them.
A has issues. This isn't being judgey, it's fact.
Judgey is gossiping about A to mutual friends or acquaintances, or worse, trying to school A on her shitty behavior.
Recognizing A for what she is and giving her a wide berth from here on out is practicing discernment.
Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 8:37 PM on September 15, 2014 [4 favorites]
Remain non-committal and pleasant. No matter what. Remain non-committal and pleasant.
It's actually pretty easy! Just remember in the back of your mind every time you deal with her what a crazy backstabbing lying piece of shit she is.
Do you have non-LGBT friends in an entirely different social circle? Find one of them and process this with them.
A has issues. This isn't being judgey, it's fact.
Judgey is gossiping about A to mutual friends or acquaintances, or worse, trying to school A on her shitty behavior.
Recognizing A for what she is and giving her a wide berth from here on out is practicing discernment.
Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 8:37 PM on September 15, 2014 [4 favorites]
Avoid A, even if it means saying to her face, "What you did with B hurt C, and I don't care if you were closer to B than to C. B was closer to C than to you, and you both hurt C and that bothers me. I can't really trust you, and I therefore can't really be friends with you. Best of luck with your life."
If you're going to call bullshit on anything, this is the way to do it: straight up.
posted by Capri at 9:04 PM on September 15, 2014
If you're going to call bullshit on anything, this is the way to do it: straight up.
posted by Capri at 9:04 PM on September 15, 2014
Best answer: You've favorited some really awesome answers here. I thought @mdn's comment was also spot on.
The key takeaways from all of this for you personally are probably:
1) You know you should never, ever (I mean ever!!) trust A - as you correctly say, she's a "bad apple." Watch out for that one. You may actually want to keep her close (as in not real closeness where you are ever being in any way vulnerable around her, but instead in the proverbial sense of "keep your enemies closer." Do the bare minimum to keep A as a friendly acquaintance, but never a close friend.)
2) You can't ever introduce A to anyone you really care about. And you should probably make sure you gently flag the potential issues with A for any future women entering in this circle who don't know the real A the way you do: "Yeah, A's a great girl but she has been a bit of a relationship wrecker and I say that lovingly!"
3) B is a total follower. But the world needs followers, too, I suppose.
This does not mean A and B are bad people, just that you've seen how they roll. Now don't forget it.
posted by hush at 10:06 AM on September 17, 2014
The key takeaways from all of this for you personally are probably:
1) You know you should never, ever (I mean ever!!) trust A - as you correctly say, she's a "bad apple." Watch out for that one. You may actually want to keep her close (as in not real closeness where you are ever being in any way vulnerable around her, but instead in the proverbial sense of "keep your enemies closer." Do the bare minimum to keep A as a friendly acquaintance, but never a close friend.)
2) You can't ever introduce A to anyone you really care about. And you should probably make sure you gently flag the potential issues with A for any future women entering in this circle who don't know the real A the way you do: "Yeah, A's a great girl but she has been a bit of a relationship wrecker and I say that lovingly!"
3) B is a total follower. But the world needs followers, too, I suppose.
This does not mean A and B are bad people, just that you've seen how they roll. Now don't forget it.
posted by hush at 10:06 AM on September 17, 2014
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posted by bruce at 2:31 PM on September 15, 2014 [30 favorites]