Getting those pesky butterflies out of my stomach.
September 14, 2014 8:49 PM Subscribe
Moving on from an old crush...
Yep, she’s the girl I really, really liked two years ago. She has a boyfriend too. They’ve been dating since high school.
I first met her in the spring of 2012 at our college, as her and I were hired on as orientation leaders for the summer. We wound up working together throughout the next academic year as well and we became quite close friends. Eventually I started to like her. Hard. I went to exercise sessions just to be with her like, even though I thought it was silly. But I loved spending time with together. We were best friends that year and she even lightheartedly stated that if neither of us were married by the time we turned 40, that we'd get married. Sealed by pinky swears. It's funny, pretty much everyone in our circle of friends that year figured that I was majorly crushing on her before I confided in any of them about it. I don't know if they ever talked to her about it, I know I never did. I figured it was pointless to say something while she's already seeing someone.
I received a phone call from her back in the spring of 2013. It was a Thursday night, and I was filling out a scholarship application. She asked if I could cover a student tour for her but she sounded extremely upset over the phone. I asked her if she was okay and it turned out she wasn’t; her and her boyfriend had just gotten into an argument and he broke up with her. I felt this incredible rush of emotions at that moment - feeling sad and emphatic for her, and realizing also that hey, here’s my opportunity finally. I wondered what kind of boyfriend I could be for her. We hang up a few minutes later and I sit there, taking it all in. An hour passes by and it rings again, oh, it’s her. Her boyfriend wound up apologizing and she told me that everything was okay between them again. I vividly remember sitting in my room staring at the wall for about twenty minutes trying to figure out what the heck just happened. It was really difficult for me being in that moment and having an opportunity like that disappear so fast.
After the academic year wrapped up I didn't really see her much anymore. The last time we spoke at all was last October, before I voluntarily chose to cut off contact with her for a good period of time. Not seeing her has helped, though it unraveled a good bit a few months ago when her and her BF came into the retail store I work at and I was reminded just how not over her I am deep down. It was really jarring for me to see her after such a long time. And no, I chose not to walk up to her and say hello.
I admit, writing this out is really cathartic for me. It's taken a while but I've even accepted the fact that if she's happy and fulfilled with her current s/o then there's nothing else I could ever possibly ask for. I miss talking to her and hanging out as friends since it's been over a year, but I'm a little worried about those feelings roaring back like they did when I physically saw her again those few months ago.
So, what can I do from here on out to get past this and be done with it?
Yep, she’s the girl I really, really liked two years ago. She has a boyfriend too. They’ve been dating since high school.
I first met her in the spring of 2012 at our college, as her and I were hired on as orientation leaders for the summer. We wound up working together throughout the next academic year as well and we became quite close friends. Eventually I started to like her. Hard. I went to exercise sessions just to be with her like, even though I thought it was silly. But I loved spending time with together. We were best friends that year and she even lightheartedly stated that if neither of us were married by the time we turned 40, that we'd get married. Sealed by pinky swears. It's funny, pretty much everyone in our circle of friends that year figured that I was majorly crushing on her before I confided in any of them about it. I don't know if they ever talked to her about it, I know I never did. I figured it was pointless to say something while she's already seeing someone.
I received a phone call from her back in the spring of 2013. It was a Thursday night, and I was filling out a scholarship application. She asked if I could cover a student tour for her but she sounded extremely upset over the phone. I asked her if she was okay and it turned out she wasn’t; her and her boyfriend had just gotten into an argument and he broke up with her. I felt this incredible rush of emotions at that moment - feeling sad and emphatic for her, and realizing also that hey, here’s my opportunity finally. I wondered what kind of boyfriend I could be for her. We hang up a few minutes later and I sit there, taking it all in. An hour passes by and it rings again, oh, it’s her. Her boyfriend wound up apologizing and she told me that everything was okay between them again. I vividly remember sitting in my room staring at the wall for about twenty minutes trying to figure out what the heck just happened. It was really difficult for me being in that moment and having an opportunity like that disappear so fast.
After the academic year wrapped up I didn't really see her much anymore. The last time we spoke at all was last October, before I voluntarily chose to cut off contact with her for a good period of time. Not seeing her has helped, though it unraveled a good bit a few months ago when her and her BF came into the retail store I work at and I was reminded just how not over her I am deep down. It was really jarring for me to see her after such a long time. And no, I chose not to walk up to her and say hello.
I admit, writing this out is really cathartic for me. It's taken a while but I've even accepted the fact that if she's happy and fulfilled with her current s/o then there's nothing else I could ever possibly ask for. I miss talking to her and hanging out as friends since it's been over a year, but I'm a little worried about those feelings roaring back like they did when I physically saw her again those few months ago.
So, what can I do from here on out to get past this and be done with it?
If you're still very socially isolated as your previous question described, then unrequited love from one of the only people in your life is going to hurt especially bad. And unrequited love is already one of the most painful feelings in the world. Cut her out of your life, as you're already doing. Don't see or talk to her anymore. Make yourself busy. Fill up your time, especially with activities that involve other people, especially other people that you could become friends with. They'll be friends but also connections to potential dates. And listen, the next time you're into someone romantically, tell them. Make your feelings known. If they reciprocate, great. If they don't, walk away. Don't hang around indefinitely hoping that things will change. They never do.
posted by early one morning at 10:40 PM on September 14, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by early one morning at 10:40 PM on September 14, 2014 [5 favorites]
Stop being that guy.
You know, the background character who's always around as a fallback. Have a fight with the boyfriend? Urban_Painter will cover the tour. Forty and still single? Urban_Painter can stop pining. You get the idea. If you're not careful, you'll wind up in the same position with a different girl.
Be a different guy.
Don't go to the gym? Start. Already go to the gym? Start lifting. And I don't mean machines, I mean free weights. Heavy ones. Get a copy of Rippetoe's Starting Strength and go wild. The point isn't to get ripped for the opposite sex, it's to increase your confidence in yourself and to get your testosterone levels out of the toilet.
Next, start dating. A lot. Use Tinder or OKC or whatever you need to, but get yourself out there.
And wear a thick rubber band around your wrist. The next time you have a thought like
It's taken a while but I've even accepted the fact that if she's happy and fulfilled with her current s/o then there's nothing else I could ever possibly ask for.
snap yourself with the rubber band. Hard.
posted by jingzuo at 11:21 PM on September 14, 2014 [9 favorites]
You know, the background character who's always around as a fallback. Have a fight with the boyfriend? Urban_Painter will cover the tour. Forty and still single? Urban_Painter can stop pining. You get the idea. If you're not careful, you'll wind up in the same position with a different girl.
Be a different guy.
Don't go to the gym? Start. Already go to the gym? Start lifting. And I don't mean machines, I mean free weights. Heavy ones. Get a copy of Rippetoe's Starting Strength and go wild. The point isn't to get ripped for the opposite sex, it's to increase your confidence in yourself and to get your testosterone levels out of the toilet.
Next, start dating. A lot. Use Tinder or OKC or whatever you need to, but get yourself out there.
And wear a thick rubber band around your wrist. The next time you have a thought like
It's taken a while but I've even accepted the fact that if she's happy and fulfilled with her current s/o then there's nothing else I could ever possibly ask for.
snap yourself with the rubber band. Hard.
posted by jingzuo at 11:21 PM on September 14, 2014 [9 favorites]
It's taken a while but I've even accepted the fact that if she's happy and fulfilled with her current s/o then there's nothing else I could ever possibly ask for.
What? What about the things you want for yourself?
So, what can I do from here on out to get past this and be done with it?
More people. Find new friends, and start dating.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:36 AM on September 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
What? What about the things you want for yourself?
So, what can I do from here on out to get past this and be done with it?
More people. Find new friends, and start dating.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:36 AM on September 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
You'll forget about this old crush when you get involved with someone new. Do that.
posted by alms at 5:06 AM on September 15, 2014
posted by alms at 5:06 AM on September 15, 2014
"It was really difficult for me being in that moment and having an opportunity like that disappear so fast."
What opportunity? Even if she was single, that doesn't mean she has romantic feelings for you or wants to be in a relationship with you.
She might simply have valued your friendship, and the comment about getting married at 40 if you're both still single was just a joke that you took too seriously. Or she knew that you had feelings for her and she enjoyed the attention.
It sounds like you built a lot of your crush up in your head, by fantasising about being in a relationship with her. Whenever you think about her, imagine that the thought is a bubble and watch it float away.
There are a lot of other potential partners in the world and you're cutting yourself off from them by fantasising about this girl.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 6:00 AM on September 15, 2014 [3 favorites]
What opportunity? Even if she was single, that doesn't mean she has romantic feelings for you or wants to be in a relationship with you.
She might simply have valued your friendship, and the comment about getting married at 40 if you're both still single was just a joke that you took too seriously. Or she knew that you had feelings for her and she enjoyed the attention.
It sounds like you built a lot of your crush up in your head, by fantasising about being in a relationship with her. Whenever you think about her, imagine that the thought is a bubble and watch it float away.
There are a lot of other potential partners in the world and you're cutting yourself off from them by fantasising about this girl.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 6:00 AM on September 15, 2014 [3 favorites]
Another thing that might help is if you can say what you learned from the friendship with her that you will be taking with you for the rest of your life. It might help you let go of the idea of being with her specifically and instead cherish what you get to keep.
Just as an example, from your question, I'm guessing you might have learned to enjoy those exercise sessions you thought at first were silly? You can always look for ways to expand your interests into the realm of the allegedly silly. The willingness to keep doing that would be a wonderful gift that would keep benefitting you.
posted by Bentobox Humperdinck at 5:12 PM on September 15, 2014
Just as an example, from your question, I'm guessing you might have learned to enjoy those exercise sessions you thought at first were silly? You can always look for ways to expand your interests into the realm of the allegedly silly. The willingness to keep doing that would be a wonderful gift that would keep benefitting you.
posted by Bentobox Humperdinck at 5:12 PM on September 15, 2014
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:19 PM on September 14, 2014