Productivity tips please! Difficulty level: Baby twins.
September 13, 2014 9:14 AM   Subscribe

I am right now a work-from-home parent to 7.5 month old twins. I have a PhD I am trying to finish, a start-up I'm trying to run, and domestic chores that need to get done. I'm finding it really difficult to get everything done during the day and most productivity hacks seem to rely on you having uninterrupted time. Any tips for constantly interrupted parents?

A little bit more information: We live in a remote rural area and due to my husband's low income and the high cost of gas I really don't leave the house except a once a week grocery store run, so I really am home all day, every day -- which might be part of the problem since I have never worked well from home.

The start-up I'm working for is part-time, and my work is currently unpaid, but it has the potential to bring much needed income to the family if it works out, so I am loathe to give it up even though it is a lot on my plate right now. I'm not being paid to do my doctoral work either -- I have a fellowship but lost funding because I had to stop teaching when we moved for my husband's job. My current fellowship award covers my tuition but I don't receive a stipend anymore. Now I am trying to write grants so that I can continue my research and finish this thing. We can't afford child care (not that any exists in our area anyway) so I can't send the kids out to daycare to enable me to be more productive.

I also have a house to be cleaned, laundry that needs to get done, farm animals to be fed, meals that have to be made and crawling babies who need to be supervised and breastfed and cuddled when they fall over and bang their heads on the floor, etc. It just feels like the minute I get started I get interrupted. It is hard to me to focus that way so I end up wasting my 6-9 minute increments of "free" time by pottering around on the internet or texting a friend, etc. My husband is very supportive of me and wants to help but he works extremely long hours at a very physical job and comes home exhausted. I don't work at night because I'm tired too and I want to spend time with my husband. I feel like I could be reasonably disciplined about getting more done during the day if I had a plan, but I don't have a plan. Maybe you have a plan? Thanks in advance for the help!!
posted by blue_bicycle to Work & Money (27 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
 
I made it through grad school by getting up at 4 am. I could usually get in three hours of work that way without interruption.

Is there any chance of getting a babysitter for a few hours a day? Any chance of trading babysitting with another parent?
posted by mareli at 9:22 AM on September 13, 2014 [2 favorites]


Holy cow, that sounds very difficult. I know that you said you live in a rural area, but are there any teenagers around who might be good mother's helpers? It sounds to me like this is going to be impossible without another pair of hands.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 9:30 AM on September 13, 2014 [5 favorites]


You need some childcare - a sitter who comes in or drop them someplace. When our kids were little and we were running a home-based business we found that having the kids be elsewhere for 20 hours a week was essential. If they were sat at home they just wanted to come find us. I just don't think you are going to be able to get it all done without help. Good luck!
posted by leslies at 9:38 AM on September 13, 2014 [1 favorite]


The only plan that will solve this problem is getting more childcare. You need someone to come to the house. There are teenagers and unemployed moms and others in the area. Maybe another mom could come over after she drops her kids off at school (or the schoolbus) and can stay until 2pm?

Something needs to give. This isn't a willpower thing, it's an impossible thing.
posted by barnone at 9:40 AM on September 13, 2014 [16 favorites]


That sounds terrible. I would put some pressure on the whole "working at the startup but not getting paid" thing.
posted by oceanjesse at 9:58 AM on September 13, 2014 [4 favorites]


The "do it all" moms usually have nannies and funds. Having been involved with 2 different startups with 2 different infants, I will just be frank.. If they are not paying you for your time now and making promises that it will have a big payoff in the future, you are giving them your expert (and precious) time with zero safety net if/when the startup falls through. 6-9 minute increments are NOT freetime. Agree with "something's got to give" and it's not for lack of willpower.
posted by lawliet at 10:04 AM on September 13, 2014 [27 favorites]


Dump the unpaid "startup" thingy. You can do freelance work online for actual pay right here, right now through services like elance, textbroker, mechanical turk, etc. If you are working for a freelance service online, 6-9 minutes of "freetime" can add up to a few bucks here and a few bucks there and I suspect it would be much less pressure than you are currently dealing with.

When my sons were older than 7.5 months (like 8 and 11 years old), I did lot of my college work after they went to bed at night. So I was often online after midnight doing my college work. I never took more than two classes at a time.

Also, look for ways to streamline meal prep and make chores around the place less of a burden. I always cooked a lot from scratch but that didn't mean I spent all my time at the stove. There are multiple paths forward on that. I was a big fan of things that took 15 minutes to prep and then got stuck in the oven and ignored until they were done. I also became a fan of kitchen gadgets that made certain things a whole lot easier for me without adding tons of other issues (like massive cleanup burdens). Other people like things like slow cookers. Everyone has different preferences in this regard but it is possible to spend less time chained to the stove and still put a healthy homecooked meal on the table every day.

I don't know anything about farm animals, but I know some folks will just set up automatic feeders for pets that only need to be refilled once a week or whatever so they don't have to fuss with it every day. Look for ways to reduce the frequency with which you do some things.

Also, when I was in a similar situation in terms of trapped at home with little ones and generally overwhelmed, my husband occasionally came home, notified me that daddy was there to take care of the kids for a couple of hours and threw me out the house. He would just tell me to go elsewhere, away from the kiddies, for a bit. That was sometimes a huge sanity saver. When I had no money and no place to go, I would go to the library. Or a monument. I once had a nice chat with cops who wondered what the hell I was up to. They were very understanding once I explained that I just needed a few minutes by myself, away from the crazy-making kiddos, and this monument in the middle of nowhere worked better for me than the mall, which was too crowded. (I don't know what they hell they thought I was doing. Drug drop? No clue.)
posted by Michele in California at 10:19 AM on September 13, 2014 [4 favorites]


- Consider asking your startup for a small childcare stipend. Gently and cordially impress upon them that you can work more if you have care for your kids. If they can't come through for you on this, you should consider scaling back what you do for them proportionately.

- Consider weaning your twins. This may sound harsh but breastfeeding is a full-time job with one child, much less two, much less without ample family and community support.

- If you're not on a feeding schedule, you need to put them on one. On-demand feeding isn't practical in this situation. Think of pumping exclusively rather than doing physical feedings and start giving them a bottle on a set, every three-hour, or whatever, schedule.

- Are your twins on a nap schedule? Are they good sleepers? If you can get them both on the same nap schedule, you can start carving out an hour or two in the morning and again in the afternoon to get things done. At this age they should be napping for a couple of decent stretches a day.

- Is there any sort of association or church congregation or group nearby that you could prevail upon for help with a.) getting your animals fed and b.) babysitting? Is there anything you have to barter in exchange? You have to have some support in both these areas. A little investigating might yield some valuable and surprising resources. Church ladies often love to help in these sorts of situations.

- It's very kind of you to want to spare your husband the drudgery of housework. Unfortunately, you have twins, which is a tall order under ideal financial circumstances, and everybody has to pitch in to get the chores done. Yes, he works long, physical hours. So do you. And, trust me, they're only going to get longer and more physical, once your twins are walking. Make a schedule and divide the labor. He handles dishes and yard work; you do garbage and laundry. Whatever you agree to.

- Now, apropos of housework: now is a good time to adjust your expectations of how clean your house is going to be. Dirty dishes piling up? Switch to paper plates and plastic forks, or put away all but two plates, bowls, sets of silverware, etc., and all but one pot and one pan. Less to dirty, less to wash.

- The same principle applies to laundry. Pare down the number of articles of clothing available to each of you to wear in a given week and then make a schedule - pants/underwear done on Thursdays, linens/towels done on Saturdays, tops and outerwear Mondays. Put the laundry in first thing in the morning/dry at night/fold the morning after.

- Let other chores go for a week or so longer than you would usually. A little bit of grime isn't going to hurt anybody. Keep disinfecting wipes and swiffers in the kitchen, bathroom and living area and do a quick de-scuzz every now and again but put off fantasies of deep-cleaning indefinitely.

- Now, for a hard question. When you and your husband have time together with the kids, does it also count as "husband gets to put his feet up and relax" time, too? Because, if that's the case, that needs to change. Tell your husband you need 2 (or 3, 4 whatever it is you need) hours of uninterrupted time twice a day on those days to work. You watch the kids so he can provide for you all. He can watch the kids while you provide for you all, and lay the groundwork to continue to do so when your circumstances allow for more breathing room financially. What can help put this plan into action is an arrangement whereby he gets to sleep in for an extra couple of hours in the morning on the weekends (or whenever his days off might be).

- Ask around your community for Pack N Plays or larger enclosed Playards that people might be willing to give you or sell you at a modest cost. You need to be able to put your babies down safely, together or separately, in order to organize for the times when you'll be taking your uninterrupted work time, get dinner together, or just put your feet up for a minute.

- Lastly - FOOD.

- Boil a dozen eggs at the beginning of the week. Put them in the fridge. Eat.

- PB&J, good bread on hand always

- Make an energy mix of peanuts, pretzel sticks and cheezits and keep it on hand for "lunch"

- Big bowl of apples and bananas

- Pre-fab bags of salad, kale and spinach

- Slow cooker NOW.

Chili and stew at least twice a week, pot roast or casserole like chicken and dumplings once a week. Make a double recipe and freeze half for the following week.

- Big pot of rice at the beginning of week. Freeze half.

- Big pot of spaghetti mid-week. Freeze half. Jarred sauce with bagged spinach.

- Big batch of meatballs once a week. Freeze in separate zip locks.

- Bake a cut-up chicken once a week. Breast/wings one night, leg quarters another.

Hope this helps. I know this is really, really hard. Get organized, get help, start talking to your husband about how to get your needs met. And give yourself major credit - you're doing the hardest job there is.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 10:22 AM on September 13, 2014 [25 favorites]


This is about 1% a productivity problem and 99% an overload problem. I have a 10 month old and a full time job, with a full time nanny and cleaners, and I can only just stay on top of things. I can't even imagine with twins and animals and everything else you describe.

I am super distrustful of people who ask you do do things at significant personal cost for a potential future reward. If you aren't getting enough money to even cover the cost of childcare for your work hours, the startup work sounds like it should be the first thing to go. You will always have the chance to find work like this again.

If you can get some help, you need to get some help. Even 5 or 6 hours a week would give you some time. You need to guard that time ferociously and not use it for laundry, dishes, housework etc).

Meals should be the next thing to go. We got through a few of the early weeks by making a big vat of chili once a week and then eating it for five or six dinners in a row. We still do this some weeks. You can cut your prep time by 75% if all you are doing is steaming some veggies and reheating a bowl of chili. Cook once a week and freeze things. Eat lunches that can be assembled

It sounds like you need to get more help from your husband too. It's not clear whether you both agree that the work you are trying to get done is equally as important as his (paid) work. If it is, you could float the idea of shifting some of the meal prep/housework/childcare to him in the evenings and weekends, so that you can get a few bigger time chunks. You're both overworked and exhausted.

Can you stop doing nice-but-unnecessary tasks? If you're the kind of person who always makes the bed, empties the dishwasher, folds the laundry nicely, maybe these tasks can be overlooked for a while to let you get on top of things.

And lastly, here's the productivity tips I have for you. Prioritize RUTHLESSLY. Always know what is at the top of your list. And that';s a single task (don't be one of those people who has three number 1 priorities). Have a workspace that is only for work. When you get time, the first priority is always to tidy your workspace and make it ready to do your number one task. After that, any time you get, you can sit down and progress it a little. Don't work on anything else till it is done. Don't spend time on organizing stacks of paper or making long lists of absolutely everything you need to do. Just do the most important thing until it is done.

Your life sounds exhausting. I hope you can get some rest.
posted by yogalemon at 10:23 AM on September 13, 2014 [10 favorites]


Do you have a contract with the startup giving you equity AND a minimum cash payout and percentage if it is sold? Any promise is meaningless unless it's in a contract. If you don't have that, give them 2 weeks to make one. If they don't then quit, you would not be losing out on anything as a lack of contract is a clear message that you never had anything besides exploitation.
posted by Sophont at 10:58 AM on September 13, 2014 [16 favorites]


Agreeing with others that this is not a productivity problem - you are overloaded and something has to give.

Women I knew in grad school who had babies during their Ph.D. usually had them at the stage at which they were writing the dissertation, after data collection had been completed. Even then, a mother or other relative came to stay with them to handle childcare and housework while they focused 100% on the dissertation. I even know of one case where the student left her infant with her parents overseas while she came back to the U.S. to live in a dorm and finish that dissertation.

You have to decide which is more important to you right now - finishing the Ph.D., working at the startup, or taking care of your household. Given the lack of childcare and the age of your children, would it be possible to take a leave of absence from your program until the children don't need as much of your attention? That might also give you more time as to whether the startup will work out or not, and also to decide whether to continue with the Ph.D. or not. Honestly, I don't believe you can juggle everything on your plate right now even with all the productivity hacks in the world.
posted by needled at 11:15 AM on September 13, 2014


You need to take on debt. You underestimate your earning potential and the cost of an hour of your time in the present. You should not be saving anything, and be hiring whatever caretakers can help you get what you need done, now.
posted by tintexas at 12:05 PM on September 13, 2014 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: There are some good tips here, thanks for those! There are also some really unhelpful comments like, "Get a job that covers childcare" Oh sure! No problem! Let me just snap my fingers and make that happen.

Just to clarify a few things: no one is getting paid at the start up right now, and yes, I have a contract that gets me equity in the company and a percentage of the money if it's sold. I am okay with this arrangement even though obviously in a perfect world I would like to get paid. This is not a perfect world.

I do get a decent amount of work done when the kids nap (and they do sleep well) and when they play independently/with each other. I am making this whole shebang work -- more or less -- I just wanted to make it work better because every second counts.

And my husband does help a lot -- he does the dishes, the evening farm chores, and takes over the second he gets home -- he does the babies bath, bedtime, etc. On his days off he is on baby duty all day long while I work.

We moved here because we could not afford to stay in the city where we were without my stipend and my stipend didn't cover childcare for two kids anyway, which left us in a pickle. (We did not craft a financial plan for the possibility of having twins when we decided to try getting pregnant) Where we are now my husband's salary supports us but there isn't anything left over for childcare.

There is a homeschooled 10 year old who lives on a nearby farm. I will look into hiring her as a mother's helper, which is cheaper than a babysitter and might be an effective way to carve out time even though I will still be in the house.
posted by blue_bicycle at 12:32 PM on September 13, 2014 [3 favorites]


This is a team problem that can only be solved by team effort. Number one problem, you guys need more money. You are living in an area where you can't find a job, your husband's job can't support you above substance level, and things are not going to improve for a while. Can I also point out I have been there, - and been stuck there, - and I wished I had put my foot down instead of worrying about my husband's ego. If you are struggling this much with twins, having a single would not have made a big difference to your bottom line since you don't have the big cost, childcare, to deal with. My suggestions:

1.drop the Phd - unless it meets two conditions: it can be done in six months and will get you a decently-paying job in six months. If so, suck it up and finish. Otherwise, find out what taking a sabbatical looks like (having twins would most certainly qualify).
2. New job for hubby. You have jointly decided to make his career the priority - that means he has to support you both in a job that has reasonable hours and pays a living wage EVEN IF it is a job he doesn't like.
3. Why do you have farm animals without a farmer? If you want to homestead you have to have either the financial resources or the time. You have neither and your husband doesn't either. Ditto with the start up. You need to take a break from both until you are stable. Time to move somewhere more practical with less work/more support for you and has a decent job for your husband.
4. If none of these are appealing to your husband then he needs to arrange for his family to give you either a large lump sum of cash or ongoing financial support to hire help until he is back on his feet and able to support your family.

You can get through this but it requires prioritization and your end goal should be providing a healthy, happy home for your children over your husband's current job.
posted by saucysault at 1:00 PM on September 13, 2014 [2 favorites]


You need to get a bit more hard-headed about this. Your babies are only going to become MORE time consuming, not less. You need to focus on whatever is going to most quickly create a source of income for you.

If you truly can't afford childcare, then the only solution is going to be to work while the babies nap, before they wake up, and after bed. If you are really determined, maybe you can squeeze in 5 hrs/day this way. Once they move to one nap (between 12-18 months, probably) this might get easier.

You'll have to accept that housework will go completely by the wayside. Invest in paper plates. Although, be aware that your babies will get much messier once they are toddlers.

Finally, your husband will have to step up to the plate with housework and childcare. You'll be working overtime, so he has to as well. He should be pitching in with housework after work and the weeends.
posted by yarly at 1:07 PM on September 13, 2014 [1 favorite]


Oh also, if your PhD is going to truly lead to a paying job in the short-term, then it's worth it to take on some modest student loans to help you finish it ASAP. If you are not confident that it is going to lead to a job, then you probably should just drop it until your babies can go to school.
posted by yarly at 1:10 PM on September 13, 2014 [1 favorite]


I only have one child, but here are some tips:

Spend a few minutes each morning writing a simple 3-4 item post-it note of the day's must-dos.

Have a blank notebook open on your desk to take notes on what you're doing as you go. When you are called away, write down what you were in the middle of, so you can keep your place.

Bathing the kids less often may get some time back for other things. I only bathed mine once per week, and often as part of daytime so that my spouse could pick up toys or help with dinner stuff instead.

I also work after bedtime till 11pm, not every night, but a few times a week.
posted by xo at 1:32 PM on September 13, 2014


All I can add, bringing in the 10-year-old homeschooled child is an excellent idea!

Talk to the family and child ASAP and see what she can/wants/will benefit from doing! The homeschooled kids I know are ramping up their extra curricular activities around now, even if they don't go to a school building every day.

Maybe feeding the animals (does she do the same kind of thing at her home?) or playing with your babies for a couple of hours (my similar-aged kids love to read to babies too!)?

You can pay her (my kids make $3-$5/hour with our neighbors -- plus lunch which is actually their favorite part) which is a great opportunity for her to learn about having a job and managing money.
posted by mamabear at 1:43 PM on September 13, 2014


Response by poster: @saucysault - we have farm animals because we live on a ranch and having animals helps us keep our food costs down both by raising our own food and by earning money through selling the food that we raise to others.

I guess my question came across as more doom and gloom than the reality of our situation. I find it difficult to get everything done, but everything gets done. We are busy, but we're happy. We're not rich, but we have no debt and we can pay our bills every month. I didn't want commentary on my life choices so much as I wanted concrete tips like the ones about laundry and batch cooking that TryTheTilapia mentioned.

Thanks for the tips folks.
posted by blue_bicycle at 2:17 PM on September 13, 2014 [3 favorites]


Can you do a babysitting co-op with other parents? Perhaps you take 5 kids one day, and you rotate with other parents during the week. That way you'll get days when other folks have your kids, and one or two days when you have a brood.

For SURE see if you can get the 10 year old for a mother's helper.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:26 PM on September 13, 2014


Best answer: I am/was in a similar boat (rural location with no childcare, two babies, a job and a business and farm animals, the whole shebang).

The best advice I've heard so far that also worked for me is:

1) baby jail- our house has a living room and family room. I baby proofed the family room, put up a barrier so they couldn't crawl out of it, put a bunch of toys and climbers and fun things in there, then sat in a chair just outside of it with my laptop to work. This way I could keep an eye on them, talk to them and engage with them, but be able to look at my screen and problem solve without fighting to keep little fingers off my keyboard or out of electrical sockets.

2) good scheduling. Naps are important, but structured snacks and mealtimes with pre-prepared foods and walks and song breaks all scheduled at the same time helped the babies feel attended to so that they were more independent during their baby jail time and didn't stand at the gate wailing to be held.

3) play pens and high chairs moved from room to room let me be in the same room as them while I did household chores and kept them out of the dishwasher while I was filling it, for example.

4) our animals have automatic feeders and waterer so their twice daily needs never take more than ten minutes.

5) I prioritized work based on whether I could do it in small chunks while the babies were awake or needed entirely baby free time to complete. I tried to make sure I had both kinds of time every day but that was rare.

6) whoever suggested weaning has seriously different priorities than me, and possibly you. You're not figuring out a schedule for the rest of your life, you're figuring out an organic routine that is flexible as the babies grow. They won't nurse forever but they are nursing right now and for me, I was ok with emailing using my phone during regular daytime nursing sessions (or reading white papers, reviewing notes and lists) but pre and post nap nursing and before bedtime nursing was for gazing into baby faces and bonding.

Today we celebrated 2nd and 3rd birthdays and I have a nanny. Hang in there and maybe sign up with Care.com for the future when you'll have the cash to hire help- it took me two years of interviews and just-didn't-work-out in our shallow rural pool of caregiving applicants before I lucked out on Ms. Awesome and her amazing structured playtime, outings, and two-meal a day cooking help. I love her and wish I could buy her a pony and I spent the first three months of her employment napping on my office floor at least two days out of three.
posted by annathea at 3:03 PM on September 13, 2014 [6 favorites]


I will just add first that planning forward, once they are more mobile it gets more challenging. Baby jail will help but be prepared for things to start shifting dramatically in a couple of months.

I worked from home with one baby and here were some tricks:

- baby wearing while making notes/phone calls at the counter...with two that is harder obviously but might help. Walks too, and I would record voice notes.

- make the same basic meal plan every week: Wednesday crockpot soup, Friday stirfry, etc. It saves mental energy after a couple of weeks.

- pick one nap a week that is free time to recharge. Guaranteed down time for you

- declutter everything. (Get family to come help.) Pack it all up for storage - books and knick knacks and hobbies and extra shoes. It will all be there later. You can do this a box at a time too.

- during work times use a timer for tasks and be relentless

Good luck
posted by warriorqueen at 5:30 PM on September 13, 2014 [1 favorite]


I hear you! I am also relatively new to my rural location, and have been through the whole shebang with business, job, farm, baby, and limited child care. You can do this! So much helpful advice has already been given. I would emphasize the importance of asking around in your tiny little community for some help, whether it be for child care, farm help, or house work. In my community, people often don't want to take on jobs for money (hassle with cash, taxes, claiming income etc.) but are happy to "horse trade" i.e. exchange some babysitting time for some steaks from the cattle you raised on your ranch. Also seriously work the neighborhood teenager angle -- I was really hesitant to do that at first, remembering what I was like at 12 or 14 or whatever, but it has worked out really well for us. You could try asking the guidance counsellor at your nearest high school -- even if the school is 20 miles away, like ours is, there is likely a preteen or teen in the area who can help out a few hours a week. Heck, even if you have to drive yourself and the twins to the nearest town for an afternoon and let the teen play on the floor of the library with them and stroller them around while you work on grant apps for an hour or two?
posted by bluebelle at 8:09 PM on September 13, 2014 [1 favorite]


I really just don't think any amount of slowcooking is going to free up enough time for you to finish your dissertation AND run a business AND take care of infant twins with no childcare (especially as they get older and less able to keep in baby jail - which will be the case in under a year).

I think you need to pick either the business or the dissertation or you will fail at both. From your past Askme, it sounds like the PhD really isn't something that you think would lead to gainful employment for you anyway. So dropping or putting the PhD on hold while you attend to everything else seems to make the most sense. Alternatively, just spring for some students loans to pay for childcare in the next 6-12 months and cram through the dissertation. If you don't think the dissertation is worth the 10-15k investment in childcare, then you probably have your answer right there: drop the dissertation because it's not really a investment in your future.
posted by yarly at 7:45 AM on September 14, 2014 [1 favorite]


I'm a mom of twins (they are now 15) and when they were toddlers I ran a business from home. You didn't ask for an opinion on whether you're taking on too much, so I won't comment on that and just focus on ways for you to get more out of your days.

-Train yourself to wake up early or stay up late.

-Get the babies on a schedule and keep the schedule! Your babies will be happier/calmer too:)

-Clear out a totally safe spot for the kids (somewhere close to/within sight of your workspace) and teach the kids to entertain themselves. Obviously they are little now, but over time teaching them little by little to play by themselves or together will help a ton!

-Give up the time with your hubby. Not fun, but them's the breaks.

-Find another parent that would share babysitting. I met some really nice and helpful moms through a moms with multiples club.

-Think about cooking for a month. Even better if you have a friend who wants to do it. Saves you time and money.

-Get a tablet and take advantage of gray time. Like when you're waiting at the doctor's office, standing in line at the grocery store, etc.

-Check around for local mom's day out programs. Lots of churches have cheap or even free programs.

-Ask for help! There are many wonderful folks out there who would be happy to help if you reach out.

I hope that you find a way to work your way through this tough time! Try not to beat yourself up about dirty laundry and dishes in the sink. Having twins is hard in those early years, but it gets better! Good luck!
posted by jraz at 1:03 PM on September 15, 2014


Hi, this is belated, but I have a baby who is exactly your babies age. My husband works from home at a job that is quite demanding and generally can't help with childcare for 8 hour stretches, I breastfeed on demand (no plan of giving that up), and I am trying to stay afloat in a competitive creative/freelance career. Only one baby, but I feel you! Must be so much harder with two.

I totally know what you mean about the dicking-around-on-facebook-when-I-get-a-breath problem. To an extent, I think this is understandable; you're juggling a lot of hard physical labor and you're doing demanding intellectual work, too. We all need a break.

The only way I'm able to get writing done, rather then running around the house doing laundry or cleaning or staring mindlessly at facebook, is to set a timer for 10 minutes as soon as my baby naps. I'm not allowed to do anything else during those 10 minutes. When it's over, if she's still asleep and I feel productive (and I often do) I set it again and keep working.

I have accepted quite a bit of reduced productivity right now. For me, it's just the deal for the infant years, especially if you're committed to breastfeeding on demand, and I am. But I'm still doin' stuff. So that's good.

I've mostly just rearranged my priorities a bit. Right now it's something like: baby, other living things (husband, cat), work, enough socializing with other mothers to keep me sane (it's amazing how much more bearable your cranky baby is when you're outside and chatting with someone who gets it), and then an even split between cleanliness and hobbies. Our living space is really, really cluttered (we try to not let it get gross, but, you know, it's still messy, even if it isn't dirty), and laundry often doesn't get put away. I honestly don't think it matters if there are piles of toys and laundry all over as long as everyone is fed and clothed and happy.

(A bit boggling a bit at the suggestion to pump. Twice the work, plus more dishes to do! Yay?)
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:18 PM on September 17, 2014 [1 favorite]


I've been working on this answer off and on for TWO DAYS. I have a 9-month-old (just one though!), I'm a PhD student (hands-on lab stuff to take care of, including animals who need scheduled care, in addition to thesis/paper writing and other obligations), and my (wonderful, supportive) husband has an extraordinarily demanding job and is often away for 12 hour stretches and works almost all weekend, too. It's not the same as your situation - we're in the middle of a city with everything convenient, and grandparents have been offering care for ~6 hours a day. But there are some similarities, and I TOTALLY understand what you mean about having only 6-9 minute intervals in which to work. It's as if you need 6-9 minutes to let yourself breathe and THEN get to work, but by then something else needs attention. My son is extremely active (we're probably spending 4-5 hours a day playing outside these days), he loooooooves to nurse (and I pump at the lab), and right now he's learning to walk and so more than 30 unsupervised seconds are a problem.

I probably don't have anything all that helpful for you but I wanted to chime in, just so you know you're not alone, and just in case another version of "how we do it" is helpful.

1. I actually have a similar but opposite system to PhoBWanKenobi. When my son falls asleep, I give myself 10 minutes to do "speed chores" - wash diapers, load dishwasher, pick up toys, sweep, clean cat box, etc. I do this in a crazy whirlwind of efficiency and do things like carry clean towels to the bathroom while sweeping so I don't have to make another trip through our 10-foot hallway. Excessive probably. But after 10 minutes, I sit down at my computer. I give myself 3 minutes do whatever, and then I have to open the file I'm working on and AT THE VERY LEAST make a list of what needs to be done next. Sometimes that's as far as I get, but at least I don't forget what I was doing or what needs to be done.

2. We have babyproofed the HECK out of the living room. Our son isn't always amenable, but SOMETIMES we can get things done while he plays around with his books, blocks and little push cart, or crawls under the table or whatever. I always put my computer completely out of his reach because otherwise it becomes an Object of Desire and we have problems. If I really, really need to finish something, sometimes I occupy the baby with little bits of cereal, an object the he isn't usually allowed to have (like a tape measure or taped shut box of screws, anything really novel), or free access to a cabinet full of interesting things.

I know you already know all this, but I guess I'm just saying it because I didn't realize what an ENORMOUS difference it would make to have a properly babyproofed space. We babyproofed the living room pretty well and for a while it was OK, but we spent SO much energy redirecting the baby from the shoes (no closet, it's a 700 sq ft apartment). Finally we built a magnetic curtain to hide the shoes and our lives improved so much I can't even tell you. If you have a trouble-magnet in your babyproofed areas, invest the energy to fix it.

3. My son is easier to care for outdoors. He loves crawling in the grass, it's endlessly interesting, there are sticks to chew (yes, I let him), and far fewer things to bang his head on. Is there any chance you have a fenced-in outdoor space? Can you bring a sun umbrella and get your work done while the twins frolic around?

4. If you can find any friends in your area, how about a one-afternoon-a-week swap of 4 hours or something? I know you can't exactly just summon this one up, but if you can make an effort to go to somewhere where babies congregate a few times, you might find a new friend, and then you can have some guaranteed baby-free time. I don't know about your work, but when it comes to writing my PhD thesis/papers, sometimes I absolutely MUST have several uninterrupted hours to focus. The topic is too complex to think about properly while multitasking.

5. Have some kind of todo list which you can access in whatever way is convenient to you - if you use a mobile device, make sure you can use it from the device, so you don't have to worry about having multiple lists. Put EVERYTHING on the list so you don't waste mental energy trying to remember what you have to do. If you have a whole bunch of short tasks, do them one right after another while the babies nap, just in a huge pile. Then you won't have to interrupt other periods as much.

6. I just hired a house cleaner for the first time in my life. We can't afford to do it very often - maybe once every few months? But it made a big difference in how I felt. I no longer walk into the kitchen and see the absurd buildup of crud behind the dish drainer and think "Oh lord, I am never, EVER going to get to that" and then feel depressed. I know it can be really pricy, but if you can swing it once in a while, go for it.

7. Chop veggies/whatever after the babies go to bed so cooking dinner is easier - you won't have to interrupt the preparation nearly as much. I usually fill a rice cooker with rice or a grain or lentil, chop some veggies, and chop some fruit, and then when I cook it's just all about putting things in a pan for a while, then serving. For lunch, don't cook, make sandwiches or bagels or crackers with hummus or something like that.

8. If you can afford it, frozen entrees really help. We do this sometimes.

9. After the babies go to bed, consider having 45 "scheduled" minutes - 15 minutes for more "speed chores" (chopping veggies, etc.), then 30 minutes absolutely dedicated to couple time. For me, this cuts down on the anxiety that I'll have no time with my husband OR that I won't get anything done.

My last suggestion is a little off the wall, but it's something I just did. Consider giving up any thing that takes time but doesn't make your life better. I just got rid of almost all my clothes, leaving just a few outfits for each type of weather. Do you have furniture or objects that you have to clean but don't use or enjoy? Are there baby toys the twins ignore but make a mess with anyway? Do you have stuff in your fridge or kitchen that are just sitting there taking up physical and mental space not getting used? Get rid of anything and everything you can.

Alas, I'm afraid this is rather fragmented (ha! so maybe you shouldn't take advice from me!) but I've just written the last bit while waiting for the shrimp that I feed my zebrafish to settle and now it's time to go!
posted by Cygnet at 7:42 AM on September 18, 2014 [1 favorite]


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