Help me find my mojo again
September 12, 2014 6:42 AM Subscribe
I've been signed off with stress, and am struggling to find any motivation to do things, even fun stuff that I used to enjoy. I'm looking for advice and suggestions to help me get out of this rut and back to my my old self.
I'm currently struggling to find the motivation to do anything. I've been signed off sick for over four months now due to stress at work. I'm not seeing many people to talk to and I'm not getting to bed or out of bed early.
I used to be very busy. I worked full time, then in the evenings I'd cook tasty meals for myself, then go out. Monday to Friday evenings were spent at meditation group, art class, Zumba, swimming, and horse riding. Then at the weekends I'd do cleaning, swimming, other things that took my fancy. At the moment though I struggle to actually get up and do something. There's so much I need and want to be doing. I've got plants that need to be planted, chocolates to make, tomatos to be roasted, house work to be done, etc. Yet even though I want to do it, I just don't seem to find the get up and go to actually do it.
I think I'm only starting to realise the effect that the last couple of years have had on me. First I started dating someone and the relationship was incredibly stressful, I never knew if I was coming or going, yet I cared about him a lot. I also worked with him, so when he decided to act as though I didn't exist it affected me at work also. Things settled down after a while (we're still dating), however I got so fed up of the drama and not knowing what was happening that I started to withdraw from people around me. I stopped going to art class and talking so much to people as I was ashamed about everything and ashamed of having to talk it our with other people, as I'd never have coped without talking about it.
I also suffered with a recurring mild knee injury and then very bad shoulder pain. So I lost a lot of my fitness. The person I'm dating is also terrible at time keeping, so often by the time he got round my house I was too tired to cook. So we started getting junk food. Or ready meals for four that we'd eat between the two of us. So the weight started to creep on. Last year I started suffering from back pain and earlier this year my hips started hurting. I know I need to exercise to feel better, but I'm struggling to get up and do it. So I'm just feeling worse and like an old woman.
Then late last year work changed, there were fewer people and more work. Then at the begining of this year it became even worse. Whereas before we'd had a great team and our autonomy, so we were able to be productive, suddenly that was taken away from us. Everyone started being micromanaged and moved constantly. They wanted large volumes of samples going out, yet they were making it so that we couldn't be as productive as we had been.
I became so stressed that I wasn't eating properly, I wasn't getting a good nights sleep, I was having chest pains at work (for months I felt like I couldn't breathe properly), and was often in the walk in fridge crying because the amount of work being demanded was unreasonable. I'd mentioned it to my team leader who just didn't seem to listen properly (earlier that year I told her something and she twisted it round and started saying I wasn't willing to do the job!) and ended up putting more pressure on me the day before my holiday.
The next day when I was on holiday I was sat in the car with my Mum and I suddenly couldn't breathe. I've been off work ever since, however I didn't realise just how much it had effected me and how low I actually was. I'm just starting to realise now and am trying to do things to help.
I'm going to try to hang out with one of my friends more. I've joined an art and crafts group for people who are recovering from stress and other mental illnesses. I'm trying to go to bed a little bit earlier each night. Last night I went to bed at 2.45am which is fantastic compared to 4am like I've been doing for months. I've also decided that I'm going to try to just do small things, like pick up a piece of rubbish or two, when I think about it. I've joined a slimming group and have lost 8lbs in seven weeks, not great but not bad considering I'm not exercising and am pretty much sednetary at the moment. I'm trying to have three meals a day, as well as trying to make sure I cook even when I don't feel like it. Like last night I could have just thrown a packet risotto in the microwave. Instead I had a baked potatoe (admittedly microwaved) with beans and cheese. So there were more steps involved and I felt a bit better for doing it.
Unfortunately I'm still strugling to even do pleasent things. For instance I've not read a book since I was at work. I've been saying I'll have a relaxing bath, but then keep putting it off. I feel guilty doing fun stuff because there's so much house work that needs to be done.
So I was wondering if anyone who's been through or seen someone go through this type of thing have any hints or tips. What did you do to get yourself out of the rut?
I'm currently struggling to find the motivation to do anything. I've been signed off sick for over four months now due to stress at work. I'm not seeing many people to talk to and I'm not getting to bed or out of bed early.
I used to be very busy. I worked full time, then in the evenings I'd cook tasty meals for myself, then go out. Monday to Friday evenings were spent at meditation group, art class, Zumba, swimming, and horse riding. Then at the weekends I'd do cleaning, swimming, other things that took my fancy. At the moment though I struggle to actually get up and do something. There's so much I need and want to be doing. I've got plants that need to be planted, chocolates to make, tomatos to be roasted, house work to be done, etc. Yet even though I want to do it, I just don't seem to find the get up and go to actually do it.
I think I'm only starting to realise the effect that the last couple of years have had on me. First I started dating someone and the relationship was incredibly stressful, I never knew if I was coming or going, yet I cared about him a lot. I also worked with him, so when he decided to act as though I didn't exist it affected me at work also. Things settled down after a while (we're still dating), however I got so fed up of the drama and not knowing what was happening that I started to withdraw from people around me. I stopped going to art class and talking so much to people as I was ashamed about everything and ashamed of having to talk it our with other people, as I'd never have coped without talking about it.
I also suffered with a recurring mild knee injury and then very bad shoulder pain. So I lost a lot of my fitness. The person I'm dating is also terrible at time keeping, so often by the time he got round my house I was too tired to cook. So we started getting junk food. Or ready meals for four that we'd eat between the two of us. So the weight started to creep on. Last year I started suffering from back pain and earlier this year my hips started hurting. I know I need to exercise to feel better, but I'm struggling to get up and do it. So I'm just feeling worse and like an old woman.
Then late last year work changed, there were fewer people and more work. Then at the begining of this year it became even worse. Whereas before we'd had a great team and our autonomy, so we were able to be productive, suddenly that was taken away from us. Everyone started being micromanaged and moved constantly. They wanted large volumes of samples going out, yet they were making it so that we couldn't be as productive as we had been.
I became so stressed that I wasn't eating properly, I wasn't getting a good nights sleep, I was having chest pains at work (for months I felt like I couldn't breathe properly), and was often in the walk in fridge crying because the amount of work being demanded was unreasonable. I'd mentioned it to my team leader who just didn't seem to listen properly (earlier that year I told her something and she twisted it round and started saying I wasn't willing to do the job!) and ended up putting more pressure on me the day before my holiday.
The next day when I was on holiday I was sat in the car with my Mum and I suddenly couldn't breathe. I've been off work ever since, however I didn't realise just how much it had effected me and how low I actually was. I'm just starting to realise now and am trying to do things to help.
I'm going to try to hang out with one of my friends more. I've joined an art and crafts group for people who are recovering from stress and other mental illnesses. I'm trying to go to bed a little bit earlier each night. Last night I went to bed at 2.45am which is fantastic compared to 4am like I've been doing for months. I've also decided that I'm going to try to just do small things, like pick up a piece of rubbish or two, when I think about it. I've joined a slimming group and have lost 8lbs in seven weeks, not great but not bad considering I'm not exercising and am pretty much sednetary at the moment. I'm trying to have three meals a day, as well as trying to make sure I cook even when I don't feel like it. Like last night I could have just thrown a packet risotto in the microwave. Instead I had a baked potatoe (admittedly microwaved) with beans and cheese. So there were more steps involved and I felt a bit better for doing it.
Unfortunately I'm still strugling to even do pleasent things. For instance I've not read a book since I was at work. I've been saying I'll have a relaxing bath, but then keep putting it off. I feel guilty doing fun stuff because there's so much house work that needs to be done.
So I was wondering if anyone who's been through or seen someone go through this type of thing have any hints or tips. What did you do to get yourself out of the rut?
Response by poster: Thanks for that xingcat, I'll start doing that.
I'd also forgotten to say in my question that I'd been seeing a therapist for almost a year. I was starting to feel better in some ways and it seemed to be a natural time to stop seeing her. I can't really afford to start seeing her again though as my pay will soon be cut in half.
posted by Ranting Prophet of DOOM! at 7:02 AM on September 12, 2014
I'd also forgotten to say in my question that I'd been seeing a therapist for almost a year. I was starting to feel better in some ways and it seemed to be a natural time to stop seeing her. I can't really afford to start seeing her again though as my pay will soon be cut in half.
posted by Ranting Prophet of DOOM! at 7:02 AM on September 12, 2014
Best answer: Everyone will say you sound depressed and should see a therapist and they'll be right, imo.
I agree with you that getting sleeping sorted out is the number one thing to work on. Efforts towards addressing everything else will be hampered by low quality sleep or a wonky schedule; it's hard to feel optimistic and proactive if you've already lost half the day by the time you get up, and spend the rest of it (and the night) isolated, with just your own thoughts.
If dealing with your place is just beyond you, hire someone to come in for a few hours to get you back to 0, then, work to maintain it.
How much of your mind and energy are going to this relationship? How much does it give you back? If it (and he) is leeching at your sense of self, it might be worth reevaluating.
posted by cotton dress sock at 7:05 AM on September 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
I agree with you that getting sleeping sorted out is the number one thing to work on. Efforts towards addressing everything else will be hampered by low quality sleep or a wonky schedule; it's hard to feel optimistic and proactive if you've already lost half the day by the time you get up, and spend the rest of it (and the night) isolated, with just your own thoughts.
If dealing with your place is just beyond you, hire someone to come in for a few hours to get you back to 0, then, work to maintain it.
How much of your mind and energy are going to this relationship? How much does it give you back? If it (and he) is leeching at your sense of self, it might be worth reevaluating.
posted by cotton dress sock at 7:05 AM on September 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Oh, I've been to that party...(do a search in my comment history for the phrase "years of suck".)
The biggest thing I did was....forgive myself. I was also like you, worrying about "I have no energy, I can't be proactive any more, what's wrong with me," and then I read something about what it means if you're suddenly becoming re-active after a history of being pro-active, especially if you've been in a lot of stress. Look at it this way - say you tried swimming out to a raft in the middle of a big lake, on a windy day so there was a lot of choppy water and so it was tough to swim. But you make it out to the raft.
Now, if you make it out there, are you gonna climb up on the raft and then jump off again and keep swimming? Probably not- you're gonna crawl up on the raft and lay there a while. Why? Because you just exerted a lot of energy to get out there, and you need a break. So you're taking it.
And this is the same thing - you have exerted, and are still exerting, a lot of mental and emotional energy just to keep yourself from just totally saying "fuck it all" and locking yourself in your house and hiding under the bed for the rest of your life. Asking someone who's just been through all that shit to be 100% ready to turn up all happy at some event and be "hi, everyone! Isn't this super?" is like asking someone who's just run a marathon to go run another one right away.
You need a break. Give yourself permission to take one.
And it does come back. My Five Solid Years Of Suck effectively started ending a year ago (there's still a couple loose ends that need to be tied down), and it's only just now that I'm seeing signs of my old self coming back - but they are coming back. I'm a bit more active, I'm a bit more pro-active, calmer about stuff, and feeling more on an even keel.
You need a break. Let yourself take one. Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:09 AM on September 12, 2014 [2 favorites]
The biggest thing I did was....forgive myself. I was also like you, worrying about "I have no energy, I can't be proactive any more, what's wrong with me," and then I read something about what it means if you're suddenly becoming re-active after a history of being pro-active, especially if you've been in a lot of stress. Look at it this way - say you tried swimming out to a raft in the middle of a big lake, on a windy day so there was a lot of choppy water and so it was tough to swim. But you make it out to the raft.
Now, if you make it out there, are you gonna climb up on the raft and then jump off again and keep swimming? Probably not- you're gonna crawl up on the raft and lay there a while. Why? Because you just exerted a lot of energy to get out there, and you need a break. So you're taking it.
And this is the same thing - you have exerted, and are still exerting, a lot of mental and emotional energy just to keep yourself from just totally saying "fuck it all" and locking yourself in your house and hiding under the bed for the rest of your life. Asking someone who's just been through all that shit to be 100% ready to turn up all happy at some event and be "hi, everyone! Isn't this super?" is like asking someone who's just run a marathon to go run another one right away.
You need a break. Give yourself permission to take one.
And it does come back. My Five Solid Years Of Suck effectively started ending a year ago (there's still a couple loose ends that need to be tied down), and it's only just now that I'm seeing signs of my old self coming back - but they are coming back. I'm a bit more active, I'm a bit more pro-active, calmer about stuff, and feeling more on an even keel.
You need a break. Let yourself take one. Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:09 AM on September 12, 2014 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Actually, I'll be more direct. He sounds like an absolute vampire. Between him and what sounds like unreasonable work responsibilities, it's no wonder you feel drained, suffocated. But you need this job until you're in good enough form to find another; to get another, you need to feel better. From the little you've written, I have the strong impression you won't feel better so long as you're with him.
posted by cotton dress sock at 7:20 AM on September 12, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by cotton dress sock at 7:20 AM on September 12, 2014 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Cotton dress, you're pretty much spot on. While I've been off with stress he's still been telling me about work and all the stuff that's happening there, essentially making me stressed again by thinking about work when I should be focused on getting better. He's getting more stressed there but won't do anything about it other than rant to me.
The only reason the relationship has lasted so long is because I gave up trying to talk to him or ask for what I needed. We got into a blazing row once because I asked him to let me know he was going to be late before he was late. Another time we had a row because of a discussion about apologies. He told me he likes to explain why he's hurt someone, I listened and took that on board. I then explained that I don't like explaining due to my past, but that if I apologised I was really sorry even if I didn't explain. He then repeated himself verbatim, this time with an example. I listened again, explained I wasn't having a go at him and he just repeated what he'd said previously. It ends up with us both stuck in a loop that I just can't get out of.
Then this weekend, because of the stress and depression I've started getting anxious again. We were surrounded by people and I asked him if he was ready to leave that stand. He said he was then just stood there, with me trapped between the stand, him and a bunch of people squashing up against me. So I snapped that I thought he was going to move and quickly walked away to find a clear space then stopped so he could catch up. When he did I explained and apologised for having to dash off. But he kept talking about it. I said it doesn't matter, can we just forget about it and look at the other stands. But again he just kept repeating himself, with me just saying can we drop it already. Then he turns round, tells me to shut up as he was just trying to diffuse the situation (by bringing it back up). I'm much more confident and assertive now (yay) so won't put up with shit like that now (part of the probelm) and told him not to tell me to shut up when I'd been trying to get us back on track.
He then just stormed off and disappeared. Leaving me surrounded by strangers, in the middle of a town that I don't live in, with no way of contacting him (I had his phone), having been driven there by him. Having been in a similar situation as a child (left by someone when they went into a store then they went home, leaving me stood there for 2 hours freaking out as I didn't know what to, whether to move and look for them or stay and wait) I freaked out and spent the rest of the day suffering from an anxiety attack and chest pains. I tried talking to him about it later but it turned out it was all my fault for walking off in the first place and freaking him out.
He'd disappeared on me a couple of months earlier too. At a supermarket at midnight when I parked he walked away from me and disappeared before I could lock the doors. I spent 25 minutes sat in a dimly lit carpark waiting for him to decide to come back, even then I had to drive to were he was before he'd come and get in the car. I explained that day how I have a fear of being left alone from my child hood.
At the moment he's the person I spend the most time with. I don't have much human company other than him. So I'm trying to build new friendships and strengthen old ones before I start to think about getting out of the relationship. As it's a dead end one, he's never moved out of his parents house and he's almost 43 so it's not likely to happen.
Sorry about the long update, but it may help shed more light on the situation. My previous questions about my partner are about the guy I'm with now.
posted by Ranting Prophet of DOOM! at 7:47 AM on September 12, 2014
The only reason the relationship has lasted so long is because I gave up trying to talk to him or ask for what I needed. We got into a blazing row once because I asked him to let me know he was going to be late before he was late. Another time we had a row because of a discussion about apologies. He told me he likes to explain why he's hurt someone, I listened and took that on board. I then explained that I don't like explaining due to my past, but that if I apologised I was really sorry even if I didn't explain. He then repeated himself verbatim, this time with an example. I listened again, explained I wasn't having a go at him and he just repeated what he'd said previously. It ends up with us both stuck in a loop that I just can't get out of.
Then this weekend, because of the stress and depression I've started getting anxious again. We were surrounded by people and I asked him if he was ready to leave that stand. He said he was then just stood there, with me trapped between the stand, him and a bunch of people squashing up against me. So I snapped that I thought he was going to move and quickly walked away to find a clear space then stopped so he could catch up. When he did I explained and apologised for having to dash off. But he kept talking about it. I said it doesn't matter, can we just forget about it and look at the other stands. But again he just kept repeating himself, with me just saying can we drop it already. Then he turns round, tells me to shut up as he was just trying to diffuse the situation (by bringing it back up). I'm much more confident and assertive now (yay) so won't put up with shit like that now (part of the probelm) and told him not to tell me to shut up when I'd been trying to get us back on track.
He then just stormed off and disappeared. Leaving me surrounded by strangers, in the middle of a town that I don't live in, with no way of contacting him (I had his phone), having been driven there by him. Having been in a similar situation as a child (left by someone when they went into a store then they went home, leaving me stood there for 2 hours freaking out as I didn't know what to, whether to move and look for them or stay and wait) I freaked out and spent the rest of the day suffering from an anxiety attack and chest pains. I tried talking to him about it later but it turned out it was all my fault for walking off in the first place and freaking him out.
He'd disappeared on me a couple of months earlier too. At a supermarket at midnight when I parked he walked away from me and disappeared before I could lock the doors. I spent 25 minutes sat in a dimly lit carpark waiting for him to decide to come back, even then I had to drive to were he was before he'd come and get in the car. I explained that day how I have a fear of being left alone from my child hood.
At the moment he's the person I spend the most time with. I don't have much human company other than him. So I'm trying to build new friendships and strengthen old ones before I start to think about getting out of the relationship. As it's a dead end one, he's never moved out of his parents house and he's almost 43 so it's not likely to happen.
Sorry about the long update, but it may help shed more light on the situation. My previous questions about my partner are about the guy I'm with now.
posted by Ranting Prophet of DOOM! at 7:47 AM on September 12, 2014
You seem to blame a lot of people and circumstances for your stress, anxiety, and lack of fitness -- your boyfriend, your job, your boss, your childhood.
Maybe you can decide to not allow all of these outside forces to affect your mood in such a way. Take some personal responsibility for how you live your life. Get up and go to Zumba if you like Zumba. You don't have to roast tomatoes unless you really want to roast tomatoes.
You and your boyfriend both seem to be stuck in victim roles. You seem to have childhood issues that you're not over, and your boyfriend is a grown man who lives with his parents.
The thing about the supermarket and the parking lot and your childhood -- you survived. So, you were in a dark parking lot alone in a vehicle for 25 minutes two months ago. Nothing bad happened and you lived. Don't use that as a reason to feel sorry for yourself.
We all get into ruts sometimes. Nobody can fix you on the internet. Live your life, accept the pain that comes with it, keep living and don't miss opportunities for happiness that you can be experiencing right now. Deal with your shame and don't dwell on the past. Feeling sorry for yourself is not revenge on your parents.
The best advice I can give is for you to lose interest in your unhappy childhood and forgive yourself for staying stuck for so long.
posted by Fairchild at 8:49 AM on September 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
Maybe you can decide to not allow all of these outside forces to affect your mood in such a way. Take some personal responsibility for how you live your life. Get up and go to Zumba if you like Zumba. You don't have to roast tomatoes unless you really want to roast tomatoes.
You and your boyfriend both seem to be stuck in victim roles. You seem to have childhood issues that you're not over, and your boyfriend is a grown man who lives with his parents.
The thing about the supermarket and the parking lot and your childhood -- you survived. So, you were in a dark parking lot alone in a vehicle for 25 minutes two months ago. Nothing bad happened and you lived. Don't use that as a reason to feel sorry for yourself.
We all get into ruts sometimes. Nobody can fix you on the internet. Live your life, accept the pain that comes with it, keep living and don't miss opportunities for happiness that you can be experiencing right now. Deal with your shame and don't dwell on the past. Feeling sorry for yourself is not revenge on your parents.
The best advice I can give is for you to lose interest in your unhappy childhood and forgive yourself for staying stuck for so long.
posted by Fairchild at 8:49 AM on September 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Why on EARTH are you still with this guy? Get that relationship out of your life and probably 90% of your stress will disappear. All the exercise and healthy food in the world isn't going to help as long as you decide to stay with someone who adds to, rather than alleviates, your unhappiness.
posted by MsMolly at 8:57 AM on September 12, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by MsMolly at 8:57 AM on September 12, 2014 [5 favorites]
Best answer: Last year I started suffering from back pain and earlier this year my hips started hurting. I know I need to exercise to feel better, but I'm struggling to get up and do it. So I'm just feeling worse and like an old woman.
Re: The aches and pains -- I had similar (while in a similar over-stressed, exhausted state as you're in now), and they went away after a couple months of taking a lot of vitamin D. The doctor told me to take 5K IU each day, plus there's some in my multivitamin (around 1K IU). I'm not sure what else the Vitamin D helped, because I also am also now taking a synthetic thyroid hormone and the affects of vitamin D deficiency and hypothyroidism are similar. In that same vein, if you're having issues with dry skin, brittle nails and hair, puffy face, feeling tired and down, (aka, what might be the "old woman" feeling), you might want to get your hormone levels checked. And in *that* same vein, I also was having a lot of trouble keeping a "normal" sleep schedule, and melatonin, which is a hormone (OTC as a supplement in the US, not sure about the UK?) that tells your body it's night and time to go to sleep, also helped me a lot with that. I don't actually have to take it anymore, but it helped me a lot with getting onto a better sleep schedule, especially if I took it 2-3 hours before bed. Of course, YMMV, but I wanted to chime in about the physical stuff specifically.
I don't have much human company other than him. So I'm trying to build new friendships and strengthen old ones before I start to think about getting out of the relationship.
Honestly, I'd drop him now. Sometimes something *isn't* better than nothing.
posted by rue72 at 9:02 AM on September 12, 2014 [2 favorites]
Re: The aches and pains -- I had similar (while in a similar over-stressed, exhausted state as you're in now), and they went away after a couple months of taking a lot of vitamin D. The doctor told me to take 5K IU each day, plus there's some in my multivitamin (around 1K IU). I'm not sure what else the Vitamin D helped, because I also am also now taking a synthetic thyroid hormone and the affects of vitamin D deficiency and hypothyroidism are similar. In that same vein, if you're having issues with dry skin, brittle nails and hair, puffy face, feeling tired and down, (aka, what might be the "old woman" feeling), you might want to get your hormone levels checked. And in *that* same vein, I also was having a lot of trouble keeping a "normal" sleep schedule, and melatonin, which is a hormone (OTC as a supplement in the US, not sure about the UK?) that tells your body it's night and time to go to sleep, also helped me a lot with that. I don't actually have to take it anymore, but it helped me a lot with getting onto a better sleep schedule, especially if I took it 2-3 hours before bed. Of course, YMMV, but I wanted to chime in about the physical stuff specifically.
I don't have much human company other than him. So I'm trying to build new friendships and strengthen old ones before I start to think about getting out of the relationship.
Honestly, I'd drop him now. Sometimes something *isn't* better than nothing.
posted by rue72 at 9:02 AM on September 12, 2014 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Let me tell you a story about a vibrant young lady. She was smart as a damn whip, witty, could cook a mean dinner and play Bach on the piano from memory without missing a note. And she was pretty, to boot. She had a spark.
She met another person with a spark at work, and it was like they set the house on fire when they worked together. And so they started spending time together working, and that work time started to bleed out, and soon they were spending every moment together, ignoring their significant others and bed times and well, everything.
And then his wife asked him for a divorce and the woman with a spark left her partner of eight years and these two fire-starters started a passionate romance.
And it got ugly pretty fast. She gave away her piano because he hated it. She stopped reading fiction because he said it was a waste of her time. She stopped eating because he told her she was fat. He screamed at her one night because she was proud for weighing 94 pounds: "you still look like grotesque, what are you proud of?" She went out with friends and he would rail and scream and break things and the entire time she was gone she would worry that she'd come home to find him dead by his own hand.
And she decided one day to leave, but she was going to wait a bit. Until she had some friends to support her. Until she had more money saved up. Until she felt a little bit stronger. She was so tired all of the time.
She waited and those things didn't happen. She tried so hard but it was like something was keeping her from getting out there and making the friends and gaining the strength, and she couldn't figure it out. It was like there was something holding her back.
One day, as he lifted his palm to strike her after she came home from a book club meeting - as he screamed about what a bitch she was for going out and spending time with strangers instead of with him - she ducked and ran.
And I am just starting to feel like myself, over two years later. He was stopping me from having a life and being my vibrant, sparky, food-loving and piano-playing self. He was in my way. He used fear as a tactic to keep me under his thumb.
Why are you waiting to leave this guy? He is treating you poorly. He is holding you back.
It will start improving when you leave and learn how to take care of yourself and to love yourself. It's a long damn journey, too.
I caught myself dancing in the kitchen unawares yesterday and I said to myself, "Hey there, sockermom, there you are!" It's been a long time since I've felt like me.
You will get your spark back.
posted by sockermom at 9:04 AM on September 12, 2014 [10 favorites]
She met another person with a spark at work, and it was like they set the house on fire when they worked together. And so they started spending time together working, and that work time started to bleed out, and soon they were spending every moment together, ignoring their significant others and bed times and well, everything.
And then his wife asked him for a divorce and the woman with a spark left her partner of eight years and these two fire-starters started a passionate romance.
And it got ugly pretty fast. She gave away her piano because he hated it. She stopped reading fiction because he said it was a waste of her time. She stopped eating because he told her she was fat. He screamed at her one night because she was proud for weighing 94 pounds: "you still look like grotesque, what are you proud of?" She went out with friends and he would rail and scream and break things and the entire time she was gone she would worry that she'd come home to find him dead by his own hand.
And she decided one day to leave, but she was going to wait a bit. Until she had some friends to support her. Until she had more money saved up. Until she felt a little bit stronger. She was so tired all of the time.
She waited and those things didn't happen. She tried so hard but it was like something was keeping her from getting out there and making the friends and gaining the strength, and she couldn't figure it out. It was like there was something holding her back.
One day, as he lifted his palm to strike her after she came home from a book club meeting - as he screamed about what a bitch she was for going out and spending time with strangers instead of with him - she ducked and ran.
And I am just starting to feel like myself, over two years later. He was stopping me from having a life and being my vibrant, sparky, food-loving and piano-playing self. He was in my way. He used fear as a tactic to keep me under his thumb.
Why are you waiting to leave this guy? He is treating you poorly. He is holding you back.
It will start improving when you leave and learn how to take care of yourself and to love yourself. It's a long damn journey, too.
I caught myself dancing in the kitchen unawares yesterday and I said to myself, "Hey there, sockermom, there you are!" It's been a long time since I've felt like me.
You will get your spark back.
posted by sockermom at 9:04 AM on September 12, 2014 [10 favorites]
Response by poster: Fairchild, I'm just stating what has happened over the last couple of years. I'm aware that I've chosen to stay in a relationship that isn't right for me, yes I'm aware I didn't cut and run from my job when it changed. Part of my problem is because I BLAME MYSELF for these things. I had no control over work, nor my partner, nor how my father. Yes I have issues as most people do. I never let them stop me before. I have spent many years working through my problems on my own and have journeyed an incredibly long way. I've come so far that when I did actually have some therapy my therapist couldn't believe I'd not had therapy before.
I'd been in an abusive relationship. You know what? I escaped from that, and I didn't let his actions and my past pain stop me from loving and trusting someone else. Despite being bullied I never believed that others would do the same. Despite being terrified of confrontation I can now stand up for myself and fight my own corner. Two years ago I was, like sockermom, a vibrant, happy and confident person. I had everything I needed, I was incredibly content, and had never been happier. I lived my life in the moment and if I wanted to do something I just went and did it.
Perhaps it's my fault that I went into the relationship expecting an adult relationship. I didn't know he wasn't capable of that. I didn't know that asking for a simple thing, such as being on time when it's important to me, would result in a firestorm. I didn't realise that trying to have a discussion and find a mutually beneficial arrangement would result in him storming off and ignoring me for days on end.
I've never sought revenge on anyone for my past, and I certainly wouldn't waste my life living in the past. However part of how I'm reacting at the moment is rooted in the past and to understand why I feel how I do and move on I need to see how my past is affecting me now. If I hadn't put any info on why I'm feeling down then people would be asking for it. Telling me I'm blaming others is not helping me, I am aware of my role in the situation. Yes I feel like I should have been stronger and I'm angry at myself for not being stronger and for not realising how low I'd allowed myself to fall. But that's over now. It's done and I'm in a dark pit and trying to claw my way out. Finally, after more than two years of stress, anxiety and turmoil I can finally see clearly how low I've allowed my life to become. My usual techniques for when I'm feeling down aren't working. So I thought I'd ask for help from others, to see if they have techniques for getting out of the darkness. As I need concrete things I can do in small steps to get me back to where I was. I have never and will never expect others to fix me, as only I can do that. But I can learn from other peoples experience and find ways to get myself back on track.
Sockermom, thank you so much for sharing your experience with me. It's helped a lot. You're right that I need to get out, and I will. And to everyone else who's provided suggestions on how to get myself back on track, thank you.
posted by Ranting Prophet of DOOM! at 11:19 AM on September 12, 2014 [3 favorites]
I'd been in an abusive relationship. You know what? I escaped from that, and I didn't let his actions and my past pain stop me from loving and trusting someone else. Despite being bullied I never believed that others would do the same. Despite being terrified of confrontation I can now stand up for myself and fight my own corner. Two years ago I was, like sockermom, a vibrant, happy and confident person. I had everything I needed, I was incredibly content, and had never been happier. I lived my life in the moment and if I wanted to do something I just went and did it.
Perhaps it's my fault that I went into the relationship expecting an adult relationship. I didn't know he wasn't capable of that. I didn't know that asking for a simple thing, such as being on time when it's important to me, would result in a firestorm. I didn't realise that trying to have a discussion and find a mutually beneficial arrangement would result in him storming off and ignoring me for days on end.
I've never sought revenge on anyone for my past, and I certainly wouldn't waste my life living in the past. However part of how I'm reacting at the moment is rooted in the past and to understand why I feel how I do and move on I need to see how my past is affecting me now. If I hadn't put any info on why I'm feeling down then people would be asking for it. Telling me I'm blaming others is not helping me, I am aware of my role in the situation. Yes I feel like I should have been stronger and I'm angry at myself for not being stronger and for not realising how low I'd allowed myself to fall. But that's over now. It's done and I'm in a dark pit and trying to claw my way out. Finally, after more than two years of stress, anxiety and turmoil I can finally see clearly how low I've allowed my life to become. My usual techniques for when I'm feeling down aren't working. So I thought I'd ask for help from others, to see if they have techniques for getting out of the darkness. As I need concrete things I can do in small steps to get me back to where I was. I have never and will never expect others to fix me, as only I can do that. But I can learn from other peoples experience and find ways to get myself back on track.
Sockermom, thank you so much for sharing your experience with me. It's helped a lot. You're right that I need to get out, and I will. And to everyone else who's provided suggestions on how to get myself back on track, thank you.
posted by Ranting Prophet of DOOM! at 11:19 AM on September 12, 2014 [3 favorites]
Best answer: One injured bird cannot heal another injured bird. Both you and your on-again-off-again boyfriend clearly have a lot of issues; you're not good for each other and neither of you will be able to heal while you are involved in this drama-ridden relationship. Tell him nicely that it's over for good.
There is nothing wrong with being by yourself. Get used to running your own life and being in charge of yourself. You're already making small steps toward getting your mojo back. That deserves a pat on the back. Once you are no longer in a stressful relationship, you can make even bigger steps.
posted by LauraJ at 11:19 AM on September 12, 2014
There is nothing wrong with being by yourself. Get used to running your own life and being in charge of yourself. You're already making small steps toward getting your mojo back. That deserves a pat on the back. Once you are no longer in a stressful relationship, you can make even bigger steps.
posted by LauraJ at 11:19 AM on September 12, 2014
Best answer: I'm in that kind of situation - after years of dealing with some heavy stress, I'm pretty darned burned out. There's stuff that I used to want to do that now, really, I want to *have done* but the getting there is difficult.
Scheduling definitely helped. Like "tonight I'm going to fuck around with this thing". Scheduling time with friends who are also into that or who can do their thing when you're doing your thing also works. (I have friends who open their houses for 'craftnight', occasionally - it doesn't matter if you bring crochet or a laptop to hack your data, the idea is to have very low key socializing while getting hobby stuff done.)
Look at your life and see what you can do to remove stress and emphasize things that are not-stressful. From your description, it sounds like the person you're dating may be in that category, but if not, how can you both make things better (not just how can you change - how can they change in ways that are achievable, specific, and plausible?) My partner had undiagnosed/untreated ADHD and depression and other issues going on, but we were able to create some coping mechanisms within the relationship. Like, "if I don't hear from you by X, I'm going to assume you're not going to make it and I'm going to go do my own thing." If they can't meet your boundaries, you need coping skills to enforce them and not let you end up strung along.
Good luck with it.
posted by rmd1023 at 11:22 AM on September 12, 2014
Scheduling definitely helped. Like "tonight I'm going to fuck around with this thing". Scheduling time with friends who are also into that or who can do their thing when you're doing your thing also works. (I have friends who open their houses for 'craftnight', occasionally - it doesn't matter if you bring crochet or a laptop to hack your data, the idea is to have very low key socializing while getting hobby stuff done.)
Look at your life and see what you can do to remove stress and emphasize things that are not-stressful. From your description, it sounds like the person you're dating may be in that category, but if not, how can you both make things better (not just how can you change - how can they change in ways that are achievable, specific, and plausible?) My partner had undiagnosed/untreated ADHD and depression and other issues going on, but we were able to create some coping mechanisms within the relationship. Like, "if I don't hear from you by X, I'm going to assume you're not going to make it and I'm going to go do my own thing." If they can't meet your boundaries, you need coping skills to enforce them and not let you end up strung along.
Good luck with it.
posted by rmd1023 at 11:22 AM on September 12, 2014
One thing I would really encourage you to work on is self-acceptance and forgiveness. This has helped me a lot. A lot. You mention you've been in an abusive relationship. Those have a way of worming deep into your brain. I swear that I can still hear my abuser's voice saying horrific mean things in my head, and it has been years since I've heard his actual voice in real life. You may have internalized some of the things your abuser said to you and this might be coloring the way you see yourself.
So try to practice self kindness. And love for yourself. Try to treat yourself like a dear friend. Would you be angry at a friend for not being strong? Maybe in a very brief way, I suppose. But you would also feel so warmly loving and concerned and like you wanted to give your friend a hug.
One thing that helped me too in my similar journey was journaling and then reviewing my journal for negative self talk. Just to be mindful of it. And writing stuff out helps, it's like an emotion release. Also I started keeping a gratitude journal - 3 things a day that I feel happy and grateful for, however small or grand - and I still do it to this day. This is a good way to cultivate happiness.
Finally I have found therapy to be very good, specifically trauma therapy to help me work through my PTSD and a support group for survivors of domestic violence. A trauma therapy like EMDR might help you work through some of the things from your childhood that you mentioned.
Oh, one more thing. Anyone would feel scared and bad and upset after being abandoned like that in a strange city with no way to contact their significant other who had just walked away during a high intensity exchange / public disagreement. That's not your childhood trauma talking. It's your boyfriend treating you really, really poorly.
Take care.
posted by sockermom at 9:44 PM on September 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
So try to practice self kindness. And love for yourself. Try to treat yourself like a dear friend. Would you be angry at a friend for not being strong? Maybe in a very brief way, I suppose. But you would also feel so warmly loving and concerned and like you wanted to give your friend a hug.
One thing that helped me too in my similar journey was journaling and then reviewing my journal for negative self talk. Just to be mindful of it. And writing stuff out helps, it's like an emotion release. Also I started keeping a gratitude journal - 3 things a day that I feel happy and grateful for, however small or grand - and I still do it to this day. This is a good way to cultivate happiness.
Finally I have found therapy to be very good, specifically trauma therapy to help me work through my PTSD and a support group for survivors of domestic violence. A trauma therapy like EMDR might help you work through some of the things from your childhood that you mentioned.
Oh, one more thing. Anyone would feel scared and bad and upset after being abandoned like that in a strange city with no way to contact their significant other who had just walked away during a high intensity exchange / public disagreement. That's not your childhood trauma talking. It's your boyfriend treating you really, really poorly.
Take care.
posted by sockermom at 9:44 PM on September 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
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Don't put too much on it to begin with, but make sure that you keep to it. The first thing on the schedule? Get up and take a shower (or a bath). That's it. For a week, set a time to wake up, shower, and put on fresh clothes. Whatever you do after that is perfectly fine; you can even go right back to bed.
Next week: Walk. When you've showered and dressed, take a walk for 20 minutes. Doesn't matter where, but you have to get up, shower, and get out of the house every single day. Again, the rest of the day is yours to do whatever.
Week three: one piece of housekeeping each day. Could be picking up trash, or cleaning the glass or sweeping the floors. This comes after you wake up, take a shower, take your walk. Now you have a good morning's worth of activities.
Remember it's just the schedule you're working with, and to put no value to it. You're trying to train yourself to get going. Eventually this forced me to see that "doing nothing" was way more tiring than just getting up and getting on with the day.
Of course, therapy and medication may be of help to you, but I find that "find a therapist" can be difficult if "get out of bed" feels impossible.
posted by xingcat at 6:54 AM on September 12, 2014 [4 favorites]