How should I handle my hunch that my boyfriend was abused?
September 10, 2014 4:02 PM Subscribe
How should I handle my hunch that my boyfriend was abused as a child -- when I am unsure about the future of our relationship in general?
He is a fiercely intelligent, curious, creative, charismatic, (etc.) person, but he is also very difficult and he is Not in a Good Place (nor has he been in years). He is not particularly kind, though he admires it in me and seems sincere in his appreciation of being cared for kindly. His relationship with his parents is pretty normal (no other close relatives).
He has told me that 'bad things' happened to him as a child. I recently went over to his apartment and found him watching a documentary about a semi-famous pedophile, and he had me watch it with him, without comment. This was unusual, and noteworthy. He seemed surprised to learn about the concept of "grooming," and we talked about it in a brief, gentle (on my part), but largely detached way, then moved on. That is one representative example, not the only one.
I am not a doctor or therapist or otherwise qualified, but in the interest of being concise, I'll just say that many aspects of his behavior and personality seem consistent with those of many survivors of abuse. He is being treated for depression, but only casually (IMO) -- he has taken the same prescriptions/dosages for years, with a very limited number of corresponding therapy sessions -- and (again, IMO) they have not been consistently or sufficiently effective. I do not believe that he has not discussed any form of abuse he may have experienced as a child with a qualified professional, if with anyone.
In many ways he trusts me more than he has anyone else in his life. Some of this trust was near-instant, much of it has developed over time (in particular, I believe, because I have not (yet) abandoned him, to his surprise). I know that risks come with this, including those that warp my view of this situation and how "special" either of us are.
So. Here's the rub: I am at a crossroads in our relationship, and would be even without any of this context or background. I know that I need to at least change something about how we interact with one another, and I am feeling brave enough to ask things, and to ask for things, at the very least as one next step. I feel like I'm currently choosing between four (okay, five) options:
I know this question leaves so much out, but I would be so grateful for any advice here. I would be happy to follow up through a mod if I am omitting any critical information.
He will be very unhappy that I want to change anything, for what it's worth -- especially if I end things completely -- but I know that that can't be my primary consideration. I love him. I will be heartbroken in almost any scenario (as will he, though in a very different way, I only realize now that I write that), so I'm just trying to do whatever good can be done, if any. He will be much more focused on himself than on me, whatever the outcome, so I suppose I feel I have nothing to lose.
My throwaway account is sadpuppet99@gmail.com. Thank you all so much.
He is a fiercely intelligent, curious, creative, charismatic, (etc.) person, but he is also very difficult and he is Not in a Good Place (nor has he been in years). He is not particularly kind, though he admires it in me and seems sincere in his appreciation of being cared for kindly. His relationship with his parents is pretty normal (no other close relatives).
He has told me that 'bad things' happened to him as a child. I recently went over to his apartment and found him watching a documentary about a semi-famous pedophile, and he had me watch it with him, without comment. This was unusual, and noteworthy. He seemed surprised to learn about the concept of "grooming," and we talked about it in a brief, gentle (on my part), but largely detached way, then moved on. That is one representative example, not the only one.
I am not a doctor or therapist or otherwise qualified, but in the interest of being concise, I'll just say that many aspects of his behavior and personality seem consistent with those of many survivors of abuse. He is being treated for depression, but only casually (IMO) -- he has taken the same prescriptions/dosages for years, with a very limited number of corresponding therapy sessions -- and (again, IMO) they have not been consistently or sufficiently effective. I do not believe that he has not discussed any form of abuse he may have experienced as a child with a qualified professional, if with anyone.
In many ways he trusts me more than he has anyone else in his life. Some of this trust was near-instant, much of it has developed over time (in particular, I believe, because I have not (yet) abandoned him, to his surprise). I know that risks come with this, including those that warp my view of this situation and how "special" either of us are.
So. Here's the rub: I am at a crossroads in our relationship, and would be even without any of this context or background. I know that I need to at least change something about how we interact with one another, and I am feeling brave enough to ask things, and to ask for things, at the very least as one next step. I feel like I'm currently choosing between four (okay, five) options:
A. To force myself to end it and go no-contact. (We do not share any kids/pets/finances/property, which is helpful, but this would still be very hard for me to do.)
B. To at least tell him, as someone who loves him, where I think one of his own oxygen masks might be (I do know that I'm responsible for my own), and if he makes progress (he HAS gratefully implemented my advice in the past, it's not a total pipedream), to continue working on being together.
C. To try (maybe not immediately) to develop a non-romantic, non-sexual, but sincerely caring friendship where I am not his primary ally/companion/support, but I can at least contribute as any good friend would.
D. To try (maybe not immediately) to develop a more light-hearted friendship, just enjoying each other's company and the things we enjoy together on a more superficial level - but at least maintaining a positive tie. This is not ENTIRELY implausible.
E. To tell him that I'm wrestling with A-D and need a shorter-term break on my own to decide what to do.
I know this question leaves so much out, but I would be so grateful for any advice here. I would be happy to follow up through a mod if I am omitting any critical information.
He will be very unhappy that I want to change anything, for what it's worth -- especially if I end things completely -- but I know that that can't be my primary consideration. I love him. I will be heartbroken in almost any scenario (as will he, though in a very different way, I only realize now that I write that), so I'm just trying to do whatever good can be done, if any. He will be much more focused on himself than on me, whatever the outcome, so I suppose I feel I have nothing to lose.
My throwaway account is sadpuppet99@gmail.com. Thank you all so much.
Trust your gut. End it, go no contact, and let him find his own way. This is his journey. People who are not kind, however understandable their background story might be, will eventually be unkind to you. You can love someone that isn't right for you. He has gotten by this far without you. He will continue to do so after you leave. Don't look back. I don't say this because people who have been abused are somehow tainted or bad or anything like that. It's just evident to me from what you've written that this doesn't sound right for you and that's okay.
posted by Hermione Granger at 4:13 PM on September 10, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by Hermione Granger at 4:13 PM on September 10, 2014 [3 favorites]
I would feel very exposed and upset if someone brought up my past abuse when they weren't sure they wanted to be with me.
posted by misspony at 4:15 PM on September 10, 2014 [35 favorites]
posted by misspony at 4:15 PM on September 10, 2014 [35 favorites]
The aftermath of abuse and trauma, if left unaddressed, will interfere with relationships of all kinds. Pointing this out and being clear about what you think you see could be very helpful to your partner. Even though you don't go into what the current crossroads are, I would bet that the emotional distance that being an abuse survivor can create is likely contributing, especially if he hasn't gone through treatment that addresses this.
I know that this is a delicate subject, but I think that it would be beneficial to at least shine a light on the elephant in the room. Right now it seems like the treatment that he's getting has him in a holding pattern and is treating symptoms rather than getting to the root of it. Offer to go to joint counseling with him as well as supporting him in his own counseling. He may also realize that it's time to address this part of his history. If he's not ready and is hostile to the suggestion, then I think you have your answer. Good luck.
posted by quince at 4:17 PM on September 10, 2014
I know that this is a delicate subject, but I think that it would be beneficial to at least shine a light on the elephant in the room. Right now it seems like the treatment that he's getting has him in a holding pattern and is treating symptoms rather than getting to the root of it. Offer to go to joint counseling with him as well as supporting him in his own counseling. He may also realize that it's time to address this part of his history. If he's not ready and is hostile to the suggestion, then I think you have your answer. Good luck.
posted by quince at 4:17 PM on September 10, 2014
I don't really get what the question is, but I don't feel despite the length there's even enough here to form an opinion on anything about your relationship. I have no idea how a possible history of abuse even fits in with anything (and as someone who has had bad things happen, I am really sensitive to people thinking they know because of x, y, z because you don't).
posted by Aranquis at 4:18 PM on September 10, 2014 [8 favorites]
posted by Aranquis at 4:18 PM on September 10, 2014 [8 favorites]
Your question is "should I delay breaking up with my boyfriend, with whom I am not happy, because I suspect he was abused as a kid?"
The answer is no. The answer is also don't get into this with him before you break up with him. It sounds like it's very soon going to be none of your business.
posted by fingersandtoes at 4:18 PM on September 10, 2014 [25 favorites]
The answer is no. The answer is also don't get into this with him before you break up with him. It sounds like it's very soon going to be none of your business.
posted by fingersandtoes at 4:18 PM on September 10, 2014 [25 favorites]
A. To force myself to end it and go no-contact.
Bingo.
posted by lizbunny at 4:19 PM on September 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
Bingo.
posted by lizbunny at 4:19 PM on September 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
For sure, end it with your boyfriend. It's sweet that you want him to get help and to better himself but it's really for him to do that, it's not your job.
Simply tell him, "I've been unhappy for quite some time. It's time for us to go our separate ways. It will be easier for me if we agree to go no contact. I hope you find whatever it is that you need."
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 4:26 PM on September 10, 2014 [2 favorites]
Simply tell him, "I've been unhappy for quite some time. It's time for us to go our separate ways. It will be easier for me if we agree to go no contact. I hope you find whatever it is that you need."
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 4:26 PM on September 10, 2014 [2 favorites]
It is okay to break up with someone even if their poor behaviour is due to abuse. That isn't your fault and it doesn't obligate you to be anything but kind.
posted by heatherann at 4:27 PM on September 10, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by heatherann at 4:27 PM on September 10, 2014 [5 favorites]
If you want to email me, you are welcome to do that. You haven't given me any information that makes me comfortable picking from your A-E list of options.
But I will give you advice I have given other people for which they expressed gratitude when I turned out to be right:
Do not be the one to bring this up. If it comes out, let him bring it up. Instead, focus on figuring out how to cope emotionally so that when he does the big reveal, you do not make him feel bad for telling you. Your position should be very accepting, non-judgmental and should assure him that telling you this did not harm you.
Telling him you think he was abused will just add more boundary violation. Men who were abused have bigger problems with shame about it than women do. Abuse survivors often feel horrible when they do finally tell someone. Getting pitied and treated like you are pathetic because of what someone else did just feels awful. Also, feeling like reaching out for support is hurting people you care about also feels awful.
He has already survived. Respect the fact that he has and that abuse survivors muddle through, working and going to school and whatever, often for years, often without adequate treatment. The last thing in the world he needs is for you to dump your negative feelings upon him to add to his problems.
If you can't honor his right to divulge this in his own way, in his own time, and deal with your own emotional reaction as your problem, not his, then please bow out as gracefully as you can, as soon as you can.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Men who were sexually abused as children often have a much, much harder thing to deal with than women do. They can be very tragic figures.
I wish you both all the best.
posted by Michele in California at 4:28 PM on September 10, 2014 [12 favorites]
But I will give you advice I have given other people for which they expressed gratitude when I turned out to be right:
Do not be the one to bring this up. If it comes out, let him bring it up. Instead, focus on figuring out how to cope emotionally so that when he does the big reveal, you do not make him feel bad for telling you. Your position should be very accepting, non-judgmental and should assure him that telling you this did not harm you.
Telling him you think he was abused will just add more boundary violation. Men who were abused have bigger problems with shame about it than women do. Abuse survivors often feel horrible when they do finally tell someone. Getting pitied and treated like you are pathetic because of what someone else did just feels awful. Also, feeling like reaching out for support is hurting people you care about also feels awful.
He has already survived. Respect the fact that he has and that abuse survivors muddle through, working and going to school and whatever, often for years, often without adequate treatment. The last thing in the world he needs is for you to dump your negative feelings upon him to add to his problems.
If you can't honor his right to divulge this in his own way, in his own time, and deal with your own emotional reaction as your problem, not his, then please bow out as gracefully as you can, as soon as you can.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Men who were sexually abused as children often have a much, much harder thing to deal with than women do. They can be very tragic figures.
I wish you both all the best.
posted by Michele in California at 4:28 PM on September 10, 2014 [12 favorites]
Ruthless Bunny's script. And reread Aranquis because you don't know, and even if you did that wouldn't neatly explain anything.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 4:31 PM on September 10, 2014
posted by Lesser Shrew at 4:31 PM on September 10, 2014
I don't have any advice for you about whether to stay or go, but I do have advice about this:
He is being treated for depression, but only casually (IMO) -- he has taken the same prescriptions/dosages for years, with a very limited number of corresponding therapy sessions -- and (again, IMO) they have not been consistently or sufficiently effective. I do not believe that he has not discussed any form of abuse he may have experienced as a child with a qualified professional, if with anyone.
His mental health, and how he deals with it, is his (and only his) responsibility. He needs to handle it in the way he knows best. It might not be the way you'd handle it if you were dealing with the things he is -- but you're not dealing with those things. HE is.
Whether or not there was abuse is his issue. It's his to acknowledge if he hasn't, it's his to sit with for a while if he needs to, it's his to deal with when he ultimately arrives at that point. Regardless of how supportive you feel you can or cannot be, please do not interfere with that.
Full disclosure: I feel strongly about this right now because I'm at the end of a relationship. My partner decided that she knows how to deal with my issues better than I do and made a really, really bad and intrusive choice as a result. In addition to it being a betrayal, it was also downright offensive and disrespectful.
All of the other things aside, show him some respect by letting him deal with his depression/possible abuse in the way that's best for him.
posted by mudpuppie at 4:50 PM on September 10, 2014 [6 favorites]
He is being treated for depression, but only casually (IMO) -- he has taken the same prescriptions/dosages for years, with a very limited number of corresponding therapy sessions -- and (again, IMO) they have not been consistently or sufficiently effective. I do not believe that he has not discussed any form of abuse he may have experienced as a child with a qualified professional, if with anyone.
His mental health, and how he deals with it, is his (and only his) responsibility. He needs to handle it in the way he knows best. It might not be the way you'd handle it if you were dealing with the things he is -- but you're not dealing with those things. HE is.
Whether or not there was abuse is his issue. It's his to acknowledge if he hasn't, it's his to sit with for a while if he needs to, it's his to deal with when he ultimately arrives at that point. Regardless of how supportive you feel you can or cannot be, please do not interfere with that.
Full disclosure: I feel strongly about this right now because I'm at the end of a relationship. My partner decided that she knows how to deal with my issues better than I do and made a really, really bad and intrusive choice as a result. In addition to it being a betrayal, it was also downright offensive and disrespectful.
All of the other things aside, show him some respect by letting him deal with his depression/possible abuse in the way that's best for him.
posted by mudpuppie at 4:50 PM on September 10, 2014 [6 favorites]
Do not bring up the suspected abuse and then break up with him. Do not do that.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:52 PM on September 10, 2014 [17 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 4:52 PM on September 10, 2014 [17 favorites]
You deserve someone who is kind to you. End it and move on.
posted by doreur at 4:53 PM on September 10, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by doreur at 4:53 PM on September 10, 2014 [2 favorites]
Do not bring up the suspected abuse and then break up with him. Do not do that.
Strongly agree.
And just for context, some people don't actually 'remember' their abuse because their coping mechanism was/is to disassociate from the events and the memory of events. Raising this with him could release a maelstrom of emotion that you are in no way equipped to deal with.
posted by salad at 5:01 PM on September 10, 2014 [2 favorites]
Strongly agree.
And just for context, some people don't actually 'remember' their abuse because their coping mechanism was/is to disassociate from the events and the memory of events. Raising this with him could release a maelstrom of emotion that you are in no way equipped to deal with.
posted by salad at 5:01 PM on September 10, 2014 [2 favorites]
If you're going to leave, then leave as cleanly and neatly as possible, like you should do from any relationship you're leaving.
I am at a crossroads in our relationship, and would be even without any of this context or background.
If it's not relevant, don't bring it up. He likely won't thank you for stirring the shit and then adding to that by leaving him. Even if it were somehow relevant, bringing it up runs the risk of him hearing you say "I'm leaving you because you were abused". Leave him because of his current behaviour, not the whys of his current behaviour.
posted by Solomon at 5:04 PM on September 10, 2014 [4 favorites]
I am at a crossroads in our relationship, and would be even without any of this context or background.
If it's not relevant, don't bring it up. He likely won't thank you for stirring the shit and then adding to that by leaving him. Even if it were somehow relevant, bringing it up runs the risk of him hearing you say "I'm leaving you because you were abused". Leave him because of his current behaviour, not the whys of his current behaviour.
posted by Solomon at 5:04 PM on September 10, 2014 [4 favorites]
You are sending mixed messages in your post which is likely to lead to tons of confusion on his part regardless what youdo. The fact you list want to change the relationship to non sexual but not immediately and no contact in the same post is a huge difference.
You don't mention the problems you have together (distant, lack of emotional connection, gruff or otherwise) in your post. I can tell you that I have no idea how he will take it.
What I can say is that working through childhood trauma is a loooong term thing. I have ptsd. I was diagnosed at 16. I'm almost 30 and see a therapist, group therapist and a psychiatrist. (Note my trauma is rather extreme but everyone heals differently) Still. Yes I've gotten tons better over the years but it is a long term thing. Things happen in tiny tiny changes. And generally things involving trauma get worse before they get better.
If you open that topic with him you need to understand it is a long term thing. And you should try your best to make it positive enough he reaches out to others. It is completely normal to need and enforce boundaries in what you can and can't provide to him in terms of support.
Pandora Aquarium can be a good resource for survivors and secondary survivors if he is into the online support model. But it can be intense and overwhelming for some. For me just needed 24 hour availability to something supportive and it probably decreased my hospitalizations.
Things happen in relationships and if he just isn't a good fit that is okay. But don't use the trauma to extend the relationship. People with trauma are super perceptive of body language. And if you don't want to be involved don't. It is okay.
I met this guy when I was 16. Totally awesome would have married him. ( we dated for 3 years) My trauma was super way to much and that is okay. It couldn't work out then. Now that I'm older I understand his decisions and think it was for the best because I needed tons of help. And I couldn't be happier with where I am at now. At the time it was miserable. But now looking back I admire and appriciate how much patience and kindness he gave to me.
posted by AlexiaSky at 5:10 PM on September 10, 2014
You don't mention the problems you have together (distant, lack of emotional connection, gruff or otherwise) in your post. I can tell you that I have no idea how he will take it.
What I can say is that working through childhood trauma is a loooong term thing. I have ptsd. I was diagnosed at 16. I'm almost 30 and see a therapist, group therapist and a psychiatrist. (Note my trauma is rather extreme but everyone heals differently) Still. Yes I've gotten tons better over the years but it is a long term thing. Things happen in tiny tiny changes. And generally things involving trauma get worse before they get better.
If you open that topic with him you need to understand it is a long term thing. And you should try your best to make it positive enough he reaches out to others. It is completely normal to need and enforce boundaries in what you can and can't provide to him in terms of support.
Pandora Aquarium can be a good resource for survivors and secondary survivors if he is into the online support model. But it can be intense and overwhelming for some. For me just needed 24 hour availability to something supportive and it probably decreased my hospitalizations.
Things happen in relationships and if he just isn't a good fit that is okay. But don't use the trauma to extend the relationship. People with trauma are super perceptive of body language. And if you don't want to be involved don't. It is okay.
I met this guy when I was 16. Totally awesome would have married him. ( we dated for 3 years) My trauma was super way to much and that is okay. It couldn't work out then. Now that I'm older I understand his decisions and think it was for the best because I needed tons of help. And I couldn't be happier with where I am at now. At the time it was miserable. But now looking back I admire and appriciate how much patience and kindness he gave to me.
posted by AlexiaSky at 5:10 PM on September 10, 2014
I have some abuse in my past. Not child sexual abuse/pedophilia/grooming, at all. But stuff in the neighborhood of the ballpark.
There are some people I've been in relationships with where this was something we talked about. There are some people I've been with who I didn't ever tell about it. (Not for any particular reason, for the most part.)
I really would not want anyone who dated me to jump to conclusions about my personality based on knowing about my past, or even worse, surmising about it. I would not want my past to have any bearing on how a partner treated me or whether they decided to stay with me vs. break up.
Most of all, I would not want a partner I hadn't explicitly discussed my abuse with to bring it up to me, especially in a spirit of wanting to tell me how to live my life. My first reaction to your "oxygen mask" thing was, "YOU DON'T KNOW ME", and I'd be surprised if someone who had a darker and more complicated history of abuse than my own would take it any better.
Look, do what you want. Stay with the dude, break up with him, whatever. But don't make your choice about your guesses about his past, and most of all, don't make this train of thought known to him. And absolutely DO NOT under any circumstances make this known to him in a spirit of instructing him about what he needs to work on about himself.
posted by Sara C. at 5:27 PM on September 10, 2014 [6 favorites]
There are some people I've been in relationships with where this was something we talked about. There are some people I've been with who I didn't ever tell about it. (Not for any particular reason, for the most part.)
I really would not want anyone who dated me to jump to conclusions about my personality based on knowing about my past, or even worse, surmising about it. I would not want my past to have any bearing on how a partner treated me or whether they decided to stay with me vs. break up.
Most of all, I would not want a partner I hadn't explicitly discussed my abuse with to bring it up to me, especially in a spirit of wanting to tell me how to live my life. My first reaction to your "oxygen mask" thing was, "YOU DON'T KNOW ME", and I'd be surprised if someone who had a darker and more complicated history of abuse than my own would take it any better.
Look, do what you want. Stay with the dude, break up with him, whatever. But don't make your choice about your guesses about his past, and most of all, don't make this train of thought known to him. And absolutely DO NOT under any circumstances make this known to him in a spirit of instructing him about what he needs to work on about himself.
posted by Sara C. at 5:27 PM on September 10, 2014 [6 favorites]
It sounds like you're hoping that bringing this up with him will create a cathartic moment and he'll be instantly transformed into the boyfriend you wish he was. That's like a minimum of a year of heavy therapy and struggle to go through to get to even being close to dealing with stuff, not a couple of tearful conversations. He's got to choose the pace at which he goes in that journey, and there isn't a way for someone else to do that. Not even a therapist can do that if the person isn't ready.
Break up over the problems in the relationship, not him. If it's a good breakup, be friends.
posted by viggorlijah at 5:44 PM on September 10, 2014 [3 favorites]
Break up over the problems in the relationship, not him. If it's a good breakup, be friends.
posted by viggorlijah at 5:44 PM on September 10, 2014 [3 favorites]
If viggorlijah is correct and you are hoping that bringing this up will make him all better and into the bf you really wanted, yeah, no. I started therapy in my teens. I am 49. I still have some things I struggle with. How my SO du jour deals with it makes a really huge difference in how much of a problem that is.
You cannot magic wand this away and notifying him that you suspect abuse may be quite shocking and traumatic. It may be news to him that he was abused (I had suppressed some memories for a time and that isn't uncommon) or it may be horrible news to him that you can tell. I tend to read people fairly well and I sometimes get hugely negative reactions for knowing things about people that they thought they hid well, this goes doubly so if the topic is traumatic and triply so if my inference about the trauma is off in some way. People sometimes think I am trying to shame them, guilt them, etc, when nothing could be further from the truth. And I am waaaay more prepared to cope with this type thing than you seem to be and I still sometimes really step in it.
When people feel very deeply ashamed of something in their past, notifying them that other people can tell when they thought it was a secret is a good way to make them feel like someone who forgot to put on their pants before leaving the house, only magnified by like 10,000 times with all kinds of horrors heaped on it above and beyond mere embarrassment.
posted by Michele in California at 5:55 PM on September 10, 2014 [3 favorites]
You cannot magic wand this away and notifying him that you suspect abuse may be quite shocking and traumatic. It may be news to him that he was abused (I had suppressed some memories for a time and that isn't uncommon) or it may be horrible news to him that you can tell. I tend to read people fairly well and I sometimes get hugely negative reactions for knowing things about people that they thought they hid well, this goes doubly so if the topic is traumatic and triply so if my inference about the trauma is off in some way. People sometimes think I am trying to shame them, guilt them, etc, when nothing could be further from the truth. And I am waaaay more prepared to cope with this type thing than you seem to be and I still sometimes really step in it.
When people feel very deeply ashamed of something in their past, notifying them that other people can tell when they thought it was a secret is a good way to make them feel like someone who forgot to put on their pants before leaving the house, only magnified by like 10,000 times with all kinds of horrors heaped on it above and beyond mere embarrassment.
posted by Michele in California at 5:55 PM on September 10, 2014 [3 favorites]
I also don't understand what the question is. It seems like you are asking if you need to stay with him to figure out if he was abused? No, if you're not happy and you don't want to be with him, you don't have to stay with him because he might be a survivor of abuse. You could, if the break up goes well, try to help him as a friend. But I definitely wouldn't bring this up soon after breaking up. The bottom line is his depression and possible past abuse can't be what makes you decide if you love this guy and are happy staying with him.
posted by AppleTurnover at 5:59 PM on September 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by AppleTurnover at 5:59 PM on September 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
You need to go with A. Break up with him and move on. This has nothing to do with if he was abused or not. You are way too involved in what makes him tick and it appears to be very unhealthy. Focus on yourself for a change.
posted by myselfasme at 6:47 PM on September 10, 2014
posted by myselfasme at 6:47 PM on September 10, 2014
I dated a guy for five years who was abused as a child (took years for him to tell me anything, to this day still unsure of details or extent) AND who was himself abusive to ME. The more I knew about his past and his "reasons" for being mentally fucked up, the more sympathy and compassion I had for his horrible treatment of me. In retrospect, I should have left years earlier and protected myself, and this is what I would recommend you do as well, since you say he is "not a kind person."
posted by celtalitha at 8:08 PM on September 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by celtalitha at 8:08 PM on September 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
Your question is confusing because you don't say what isn't working for you. To me the real options are:
A. Break up and go no contact.
B. Break up and let him know that you would be open to becoming friends after some time has passed, but that you accept that he may not want to.
C. Tell him "this is not working for me. I cannot tolerate X, and I absolutely need Y. Are you willing to make those changes?" If he seems open to that, then see if the changes are enough that you aren't in this same quandary in six weeks.
Since you don't say what X or Y are, I can't advise with confidence, but the sharp edge I hear in "he will be much more focused on himself than on me, whatever the outcome, so I suppose I feel I have nothing to lose" makes me think you're already ready to go. You can love someone and still leave if X and Y are important and not working.
You need to stop thinking in terms of excuses for him. It's kind, but it ultimately erodes respect. You're not a parent patiently tolerating misbehavior because the child is hungry. You want a relationship of equals with someone who generally meets your standards. Respect him enough to believe he could stop X and do Y if it was something he wanted to do. Do not try to manipulate him into that by being indirect, or by trying to solve the upstream problem (e.g. addressing the root cause of X and Y).
I hope this doesn't sound harsh. I'm just being matter of fact. I've been in your situation and know how easy it is to let "being nice" cloud one's thinking. My advice may sound "mean" to him, but I don't believe that it's kind in the long run to put up with someone. Forgive me if I'm projecting too much in this answer.
posted by salvia at 11:19 PM on September 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
A. Break up and go no contact.
B. Break up and let him know that you would be open to becoming friends after some time has passed, but that you accept that he may not want to.
C. Tell him "this is not working for me. I cannot tolerate X, and I absolutely need Y. Are you willing to make those changes?" If he seems open to that, then see if the changes are enough that you aren't in this same quandary in six weeks.
Since you don't say what X or Y are, I can't advise with confidence, but the sharp edge I hear in "he will be much more focused on himself than on me, whatever the outcome, so I suppose I feel I have nothing to lose" makes me think you're already ready to go. You can love someone and still leave if X and Y are important and not working.
You need to stop thinking in terms of excuses for him. It's kind, but it ultimately erodes respect. You're not a parent patiently tolerating misbehavior because the child is hungry. You want a relationship of equals with someone who generally meets your standards. Respect him enough to believe he could stop X and do Y if it was something he wanted to do. Do not try to manipulate him into that by being indirect, or by trying to solve the upstream problem (e.g. addressing the root cause of X and Y).
I hope this doesn't sound harsh. I'm just being matter of fact. I've been in your situation and know how easy it is to let "being nice" cloud one's thinking. My advice may sound "mean" to him, but I don't believe that it's kind in the long run to put up with someone. Forgive me if I'm projecting too much in this answer.
posted by salvia at 11:19 PM on September 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
If you want to break up with him, break up with him.
But leave the question of past abuse out of it, breaking up with him will likely be tough but bringing up questions of abuse is another can of worms entirely, and dabbling in this has the potential to go spectacularly badly.
Keep your own counsel and move on.
posted by Middlemarch at 11:47 PM on September 10, 2014 [2 favorites]
But leave the question of past abuse out of it, breaking up with him will likely be tough but bringing up questions of abuse is another can of worms entirely, and dabbling in this has the potential to go spectacularly badly.
Keep your own counsel and move on.
posted by Middlemarch at 11:47 PM on September 10, 2014 [2 favorites]
If you're at a crossroads in the relationship, that's the thing that matters. I understand the temptation to take mitigating circumstances into account (the suspected abuse) but you can't make a decision about whether to stick with a non-functioning relationship based on your partner coming to a very difficult realisation and changing because of it. Others have said more about how difficult that is, how long it takes to work through, etc.
I know that you don't want to be cruel, and that breaking up with him when he talks about you as someone kind and a positive influence in his life seems like being cruel. But if the relationship is seriously broken for you, and you don't think those issues can be resolved, then you have to end it. It's more cruel to leave him hanging like a millstone round your neck. You can only be responsible for yourself; you can't change him, even if your intentions are good and helpful.
It's really really hard. I'm reluctant to say much here, but please feel free to memail me if you would like to. I feel for you, it all gets very tangled and messy and your desire not to hurt him (adding to the amount of shit you suspect he carries) is a good desire. But making him confront this, no matter what the truth is, is not your job.
And yes, please make the break-up about the non-functioning relationship, not about your suspicions.
posted by Athanassiel at 12:41 AM on September 11, 2014
I know that you don't want to be cruel, and that breaking up with him when he talks about you as someone kind and a positive influence in his life seems like being cruel. But if the relationship is seriously broken for you, and you don't think those issues can be resolved, then you have to end it. It's more cruel to leave him hanging like a millstone round your neck. You can only be responsible for yourself; you can't change him, even if your intentions are good and helpful.
It's really really hard. I'm reluctant to say much here, but please feel free to memail me if you would like to. I feel for you, it all gets very tangled and messy and your desire not to hurt him (adding to the amount of shit you suspect he carries) is a good desire. But making him confront this, no matter what the truth is, is not your job.
And yes, please make the break-up about the non-functioning relationship, not about your suspicions.
posted by Athanassiel at 12:41 AM on September 11, 2014
From an anonymous Mefite:
My ex boyfriend, who I was with for 1.5 years, had been abused as a child. When we first met, he dropped hints that this was the case (mentioning an interest in becoming a social worker and working with kids who had been abused, showing an interest in documentaries about the subject etc) and within a few months he was much more open about it. More details emerged throughout the relationship and it became ever more evident how not-okay he was. He had blocked a lot of it out and had nightmares that he couldn't remember but that left him feeling horrible. He was very clearly suffering from PTSD and was also bipolar and not on meds. I tried so hard to get him to go to therapy about it all, and he would for a while but wouldn't stick with it. His nightmares were already so hard to deal with and he was worried that they would become even worse if he started trying to work through it. Meanwhile, he was emotionally abusive. He didn't mean to act the way he did, but that doesn't change the fact that he was not a good partner and he was nowhere near a good place to be a good partner.posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 3:53 AM on September 11, 2014 [1 favorite]
Long story short, I think that if your boyfriend isn't even at a point where he can talk about what happened, it's going to be a very long journey ahead. And it's okay to admit that you're not able to stick it out. It's up to him to work through his baggage, just as it's up to me or you to work through ours. I tried to help my boyfriend through his issues, I was in it for the long haul, but really it was up to him whether he would go to therapy. And he didn't.
If you're already looking for the door before shit even gets real, then you're not going to be a great support person for him when he's going to expect you to be there.
So, if you want to leave, leave and wish him well and tell him that you care about him, but it's just not working. Maybe after a bit of time, you will be able to be there for him as a friend. And if he comes to you then and asks for your help, you might be able to provide some support. But with some distance.
But until then, don't mention your suspicions. He needs to work that out for himself.
Telling him you think he's been abused and encouraging him to talk about it won't fix things. It may make them worse and it almost certainly will make them worse if you're just sticking around because you think he's been abused.
My partner is the most loving and supportive person in the world but the only thing that helped me was deciding to go to therapy and staying in therapy. There is nothing you can do, particularly if you aren't in it for the long haul. There's nothing you should do except take care of your own needs.
posted by Laura_J at 6:38 AM on September 11, 2014
My partner is the most loving and supportive person in the world but the only thing that helped me was deciding to go to therapy and staying in therapy. There is nothing you can do, particularly if you aren't in it for the long haul. There's nothing you should do except take care of your own needs.
posted by Laura_J at 6:38 AM on September 11, 2014
Also, you really don't want to stir the pot to see what juicy little bits float to the surface for your consumption.... and that is what it would be- because you are not a professional, and you aren't sure you want to be with him. Ripping a bandage off a psychic wound, just because you think there might be a wound- doesn't mean its helpful or healthy.
Another way of looking at it. I had an ex boyfriend spend some weird extra time during sex feeling my breast. And I was naked in bed. And then he said, out of the blue, he felt a lump.
My mother died of breast cancer.
AND
Because of past abuse- I don't feel comfortable with someone touching me and pretending it is for ONE reason (sex, in this case) when in reality it is for another reason. It makes me feel vulnerable- I had given the all-go for sex.... not a breast exam.
And when that happens on a Saturday and I can't go to the doctors until monday. Well? It was one of the most upsetting times in my life. In 5 seconds he had ripped the lid off a huge can of worms because of 2 major traumas in my life.
And you could say that my boyfriend was just doing the right thing. He felt there might be something there, fiddled around, and then shared his findings. But at a moment when I was really vulnerable (in bed, laying down, naked, and on a saturday)
And its kind of similar. You may have concerns that there is a potential "abuse lump" in this man's psyche... and you're fiddling around and wondering what you should say... possibly imagining that you need to save his life.
But really what you need to do is wait for monday, when he has the resources to deal with it.
And "monday" may never come for you two.
And I'm not sure you sound like you are in love with him.
posted by misspony at 7:12 AM on September 11, 2014 [6 favorites]
Another way of looking at it. I had an ex boyfriend spend some weird extra time during sex feeling my breast. And I was naked in bed. And then he said, out of the blue, he felt a lump.
My mother died of breast cancer.
AND
Because of past abuse- I don't feel comfortable with someone touching me and pretending it is for ONE reason (sex, in this case) when in reality it is for another reason. It makes me feel vulnerable- I had given the all-go for sex.... not a breast exam.
And when that happens on a Saturday and I can't go to the doctors until monday. Well? It was one of the most upsetting times in my life. In 5 seconds he had ripped the lid off a huge can of worms because of 2 major traumas in my life.
And you could say that my boyfriend was just doing the right thing. He felt there might be something there, fiddled around, and then shared his findings. But at a moment when I was really vulnerable (in bed, laying down, naked, and on a saturday)
And its kind of similar. You may have concerns that there is a potential "abuse lump" in this man's psyche... and you're fiddling around and wondering what you should say... possibly imagining that you need to save his life.
But really what you need to do is wait for monday, when he has the resources to deal with it.
And "monday" may never come for you two.
And I'm not sure you sound like you are in love with him.
posted by misspony at 7:12 AM on September 11, 2014 [6 favorites]
If you're in love with him, it's ok to stick by him. If you're not. It's certainly ok to leave. There's no rhyme or reason to the things we do sometimes. You have to honor what's inside until you're ready for something else. As others have stated, do not justify breaking up with him by bringing up his past. I loved a man with every single issue in the book... almost every issue (he wasn't abusive or anything like that) but he had demons that weren't for me to understand and I loved him dearly. I wanted to stick by him. Wasn't the best option but that's ok. It ended when it did and I'm now focusing on myself expressing my wants and needs. I needed to go through being in love with him and fading away from it to honor and validate myself. It's ok to feel what you feel. If you're at a crossroads, sit with it and be honest with yourself.
posted by InterestedInKnowing at 10:21 AM on September 11, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by InterestedInKnowing at 10:21 AM on September 11, 2014 [1 favorite]
Update from the OP:
Thank you all so much for your comments. I realize only now how convoluted my question was, forgive me, but even the answers that hit on only one bit of it have been so helpful, and I sincerely appreciate your personal stories as well.posted by LobsterMitten at 1:21 PM on September 12, 2014
The crucial part that I omitted is my confidence that the increasing number of things he has been doing/saying lately are deliberate efforts to test the waters with me to talk about his past abuse -- hoping that I'll get the hint and gently open the floor for as much or as little that he wants to share. As I mentioned, he trusts me very much. I know that I have been a rare and important "safe place" for him to talk about other very difficult topics without judgment, pushing boundaries, etc.. I have no doubt that values my friendship more than the sex/romance between us.
I know that there is very little I can do other than listen (or maybe help him find resources if he asks for them). Even though part of me thinks this is not a good relationship for me in the long run, and a breakup is inevitable someday... I do still love him and could comfortably continue as we are without feeling hypocritical (and working on the kindness problem independently).
I hope that helps clarify why I am at such a loss about how to proceed, at least a little. Thank you again.
If you want to stay, I will again say: Let HIM bring it up. You can tell him you are willing to listen. You can encourage him to try to more effectively express what he only hints at. But let him bring it up or let it be.
I had a relationship with a man who had been questioned under torture while in prison for his political activism. He told me the string of arrests stopped with him because he gave no one up. I believed him because he was a person of extraordinarily uncommon personal discipline and he never pushed. But he often would tell me to "just try" when I said I didn't know how to talk about something with him.
Victims of sexual abuse (and also other kinds of abuse, but perhaps especially sexual abuse) get this hugely invasive stuff done to them and their views, needs, feelings, whatever completely disregarded. The single most healing thing you can do for him is have patience, continue to be his safe place, and just wait until he is ready and able to talk about it on his own terms. And if it doesn't happen, that's also okay. You at least have not added the crap.
((hugs)) if you want them. Best of luck with whatever you are trying to decide here.
posted by Michele in California at 1:31 PM on September 12, 2014
I had a relationship with a man who had been questioned under torture while in prison for his political activism. He told me the string of arrests stopped with him because he gave no one up. I believed him because he was a person of extraordinarily uncommon personal discipline and he never pushed. But he often would tell me to "just try" when I said I didn't know how to talk about something with him.
Victims of sexual abuse (and also other kinds of abuse, but perhaps especially sexual abuse) get this hugely invasive stuff done to them and their views, needs, feelings, whatever completely disregarded. The single most healing thing you can do for him is have patience, continue to be his safe place, and just wait until he is ready and able to talk about it on his own terms. And if it doesn't happen, that's also okay. You at least have not added the crap.
((hugs)) if you want them. Best of luck with whatever you are trying to decide here.
posted by Michele in California at 1:31 PM on September 12, 2014
If he is hinting to you, as his signifigant other, that he may trust you enough to talk to you about the abuse.
I strongly urge you to break up and move on.
It can take decades, if ever- to come to terms with abuse and to have someone you trust unbandage that wound- and then you leave?
Well. Horrendous.
I hope you make a quiet exit.
This will be there for him to deal with after you leave
AND YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY PERSON HE MAY EVER TRUST.
So this is not your duty.
posted by misspony at 3:20 PM on September 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
I strongly urge you to break up and move on.
It can take decades, if ever- to come to terms with abuse and to have someone you trust unbandage that wound- and then you leave?
Well. Horrendous.
I hope you make a quiet exit.
This will be there for him to deal with after you leave
AND YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY PERSON HE MAY EVER TRUST.
So this is not your duty.
posted by misspony at 3:20 PM on September 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Respectfully, why does any of what you wrote matter more than whatever is driving you to this crossroads?
I feel I'm not sure exactly what you're asking here.
posted by sm1tten at 4:11 PM on September 10, 2014 [9 favorites]