End it now?
September 9, 2014 4:55 PM   Subscribe

Been dating someone for a bit. I am not sure about the sexual chemistry and connection, but was willing to see where it went until...she told me she is talking to her ex and doesn't know if it will become something again. Finally, taking an important test in a month or two and can't have drama. Do I break it off now to avoid messiness?

I have been seeing someone for about a month. She's great so far -- there are a lot of qualities that I really like about her: she's funny, intelligent, career driven, and kind. We have the same values and both date to be in relationships.

However, we have been talking about what we are recently. And there are two issues / questions:

1. She brought it up last week about what we are - and what I see it as. And that she just recently started talking to her ex. She said that she wanted to be honest and that recently this person came into her life, and that she is seeing her this weekend. I have asked what she means by that, and she says she doesn't know but is just telling me since she wanted me to know. She also says that she doesn't know what she wants. I don't know what I want either. Primarily because of ....

2. I am not sure if we have sexual chemistry. We go on great dates - have tons of fun. Kissing is good. But anything after that....I am not turned on. We have had sex three times (once drunk, twice sober), and none of them have been great. It's hard to explain but she doesn't please me in the way that I want (and I have communicated how). Not sure if it's lack of experience or chemistry. She is a little overweight so maybe that's what is turning me off. Anyways, I usually have found you either have or it don't - and this is kind of concerning for me.

3. The third is a hard thing to put a finger on...and maybe it's related to #2. But in the past I have had dramatic, intense, all encompassing relationships. They have usually blown up because they end up not being someone I thought they were. But I don't feel like this is intense. In fact, I am not particularly pressured to enter something with her - even if her ex had not come into the picture, not sure if I would have pushed for that anyways. I don't really have feelings for her yet, and I would be genuinely happy to hear if she is happy with someone else and can see myself transitioning into being her friend easily. I can't say the same for other women I have dated.

On top of this, I have to take a major test in a month and need all the time I can get to study / and minimal distractions and drama. I am tempted to simply cut it off to protect myself from being in a situation where I am hurt or distracted -- but I am trying to also be honest with myself and try not to do something rash just because I am scared and trying to control the situation.

On the other hand, I need to take proactive measures to ensure I don't get in middle of a situation and acknowledge our lack of sexual chemistry and get out before there are deep feelings.

Thoughts - am I overreacting and trying to be controlling or am I better off doing proactive measures?
posted by pando11 to Human Relations (20 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
You're a month in, not feeling it, and she's kind of open-endedly hanging out with her ex?

Time to let this one go, test or no test. You can find a better fit.
posted by Specklet at 4:59 PM on September 9, 2014 [46 favorites]


She's talking about getting back together with her ex, you aren't turned on by her in bed - for both your sakes, end it now so you can focus on your upcoming exam.
posted by arnicae at 5:00 PM on September 9, 2014 [5 favorites]


Having intense and dramatic relationships is not always the best. Sometimes slow and steady wins the race. Especially in interpersonal situations like romantic relationships.

That said, if she doesn't get you going, she doesn't get you going. Please don't tell her she's a little overweight and that might be the issue, though, when you break up with her. Just tell her you're not feeling it and move on.
posted by sockermom at 5:01 PM on September 9, 2014 [9 favorites]


#1 would likely be enough for me to consider the relationship over as it doesn't seem like a normal seeing an ex situation. It sounds like there are unresolved feelings there and that it's more than just getting together as friends. In my mind, the unresolved feelings mean that she's not really ready for another serious relationship. If #1 weren't a factor, #2 would give me pause.

Given that you should be focusing attention on your exams anyway, I think that continuing with this isn't the best idea.
posted by quince at 5:02 PM on September 9, 2014 [1 favorite]


She considers you important enough to be honest with you about the ex. Consider doing her the same courtesy: be honest about how she's great but you aren't really feeling it and aren't sure it's going to work out.

You have the perfect opportunity to end it with grace here. Graceful endings are rare; don't let the lack of drama wrongfoot you. Just be honest and kind.
posted by Pallas Athena at 5:07 PM on September 9, 2014


Response by poster: Agreed guys. Not to threadsit - So do I say it's partly this ex thing but also I am not sure about the chemistry anyways? Is that mean to say I don't feel chemistry? I want to add the other thing just so she doesn't think that it's her fault and that this would be been more if she hadn't brought up the ex.

Finally do I do this in person or send her a note? A note may be offhand but the cleanest and least stress free for both of us.
posted by pando11 at 5:10 PM on September 9, 2014


I wonder how recently the relationship with the ex (who is now potentially back in the picture) was ended. But in any case, of all the things that can be worked on and given time, if there's no excitement in the beginning, that's a bad sign. :/

Even if you liked her and were sure, she's in touch with an ex, and therefore, not truly available to anyone at the moment.

Save yourself the time, focus on your test (good luck!), and find someone who excites you. :)
posted by sandj2014 at 5:13 PM on September 9, 2014


So do I say it's partly this ex thing but also I am not sure about the chemistry anyways?

You don't really need to say either thing; you just need to say that the relationship isn't what you're looking for right now, you need to focus on your exams. And wish her the best.
posted by like_a_friend at 5:17 PM on September 9, 2014 [13 favorites]


You just said she's overweight and attributed that for not being turned on by her in-bed moves. Nothing else matters. Break up with her so she can find a guy who is turned on by her. If her maneuvers just weren't right for you, that's one thing, but the fact that you brought her weight into it and implied you're not that attracted to her is case closed. Find someone else. Don't tell her you're not attracted to her when you break up. Just say she's great, but it doesn't feel like the right fit. Or say you're worried about your test and you realized you aren't interested in a relationship right now.
posted by AppleTurnover at 5:21 PM on September 9, 2014 [1 favorite]


Finally do I do this in person or send her a note? A note may be offhand but the cleanest and least stress free for both of us.

No need to break up in person, especially since it's only been a month. I actually think that's disrespectful of the other person's time. People will be all over the map on whether or not you should do this via phone or email/text, but if it were me, I would prefer the latter. It gets things over quickly and definitively without unnecessary drama. It's also easier to stay on message in an email and keep things compassionate, but quick. Phone and face to face conversations increase the likelihood that you may say something you will regret.

And I agree with AppleTurnover: don't tell her you are not attracted to her. It's better to go with like_a_friend's wording.
posted by jazzbaby at 5:32 PM on September 9, 2014 [4 favorites]


Nah, don't give actual reasons, just say, "I'm just not feeling it." Period. End of discussion.

If she were feeling it, she wouldn't be seeing her ex. She was honest with you, but basically that honesty boils down to, "I'm hoping it works out with my ex, but if it doesn't it makes me feel good to know that you're waiting in the wings for me."

Let it go, after a month no one is expecting anything.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:32 PM on September 9, 2014 [4 favorites]


Here's what I'd write in an email,

Carly,

I really enjoyed getting to know you. I know we're at that point in a relationship where we need to decide if we should keep seeing each other and frankly, after our discussion last week I think it's best if we each go our separate ways. I wish you nothing but the best.

Pando11


I've never seen the point of having a date to officially break up, especially if it's only been a few dates and you're not going steady. It's just DRAMAZ and a time suck.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:37 PM on September 9, 2014 [6 favorites]


You've had sex with her, the least you can do is end it in person. Be direct without placing any blame on her (don't talk about her weight or the sex) and don't ask to keep in touch or still be friends. End it quick, end it kind, and then leave it alone.
posted by myselfasme at 5:44 PM on September 9, 2014 [4 favorites]


I personally would break it off now. I find dating someone who is also dating someone else personally difficult and I have enough hassles in my life that I'm really not interested in competing with someone else.
posted by Ironmouth at 5:47 PM on September 9, 2014 [1 favorite]


End it now. Don't give specific reasons. Someone else will find her attractive exactly as she is. Someone else will rock your world. Chemistry matters and you both deserve to have it.
posted by Gray Skies at 7:22 PM on September 9, 2014 [1 favorite]


Sounds like you've pretty much already made your choice. This internet stranger gives you permission to end it.

Do it in person if you see yourself being friends with her. She seems to be feeling just as flippant about the relationship as you are, so go for the 'we need a break' route. The break up may be mutual and you guys can still hang out and have fun together without the expectation of being in a relationship.
posted by stubbehtail at 7:40 PM on September 9, 2014 [2 favorites]


Break it off now and send an email. IMHO, and YMMV of course, but I am a huge fan of remaining friends with exes but I draw the line at month-long whatevers. It doesn't seem like you have much of a foundation of shared experience, involvement in each others' lives, etc. to sustain a platonic friendship.

To put myself, maybe, in the shoes of this woman to illustrate what her reaction might be: I dated a guy once, casually, and there wasn't much chemistry but I liked him. I just liked him! But I knew it would fizzle out before too long. So when I got an email from him explaining he was taking a hiatus from dating (which may have been a fib for my benefit, but I appreciated that) but he had a great time hanging out, it was a good thing. I was glad for it. I saw him out recently and didn't say hi, because that was over a year ago and I knew him for only a month and what's the point. It's fine.
posted by magdalemon at 7:54 AM on September 10, 2014


I've never seen the point of having a date to officially break up, especially if it's only been a few dates and you're not going steady. It's just DRAMAZ and a time suck.

Totally agree. I think it's also more awkward than necessary for the person being broken up with. Unless you're in a committed relationship with someone, breaking up in person is worse than email.
posted by three_red_balloons at 9:26 AM on September 10, 2014 [2 favorites]


It's pretty clear that you want to break up and that's reason enough, especially this early when things should be fun and exciting and awesome, not full of angst and doubt and ex drama. Beyond that, your reasons #1 and #2 are great reasons to end things on their own, but especially in combination and even more so when you aren't even feeling much non-sexual chemistry either. So yes, you absolutely have my blessing to break things off, to add to everyone else's.

Something along the lines of "I'm just not feeling it" is perfectly fine as a breakup script this early. Even no explanation is fine. Please don't mention not being attracted to her. And yes, email is fine this early if things aren't too serious yet.
posted by randomnity at 12:09 PM on September 10, 2014


You guys have had sex, and have broached the what is this relationship talk. I would not suggest ending this over e-mail. It doesn't have to be a date, it can be a talk in one of your places.
posted by edbles at 2:34 PM on September 10, 2014


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