Best way to withdraw from a group without creating bad feelings?
September 9, 2014 10:21 AM Subscribe
I'm a member of the Board of Directors for a chorus; I'm also the librarian for the chorus. I'd like to withdraw from both positions by the end of the year (i.e., the choral year, meaning by May 2015), but I suspect it will be tricky to do without causing a fair amount of consternation. I'm looking for advice on the best way to go about it.
Here's the situation: in September 2012, after a long hiatus from choral singing, I decided to get back into the game again. Because I was pretty rusty, I auditioned for a few choruses and got into two of my last choices. I went with the better of those two, Chorus A, and have been with them since that time. Until fairly recently, I enjoyed singing with Chorus A.
Flash forward to late 2013: someone on the Board of Directors of Chorus A asks me to run for the board. I agree, and win election in January 2014. A little later, the librarian for the chorus asks me if I'd be willing to take over her position, as she's been doing it for 30 years and is frankly sick of it. I agree to that too, and eventually get elected as librarian in May 2014. (For anyone who doesn't know: a chorus librarian is responsible for buying scores and selling them to the membership, and also buying orchestral parts and making sure those get to the orchestra members.)
This is all fine until pretty recently, when several things happened. First, once I started working closely with the chorus's music director, I decided that I don't care for him at all. He's nasty, condescending, and, above all, really up himself -- just a real diva. Second, I discovered that the board is pretty dysfunctional; nothing gets done without a ton of finger pointing, back biting, and high drama. Third, a friend of mine encouraged me to audition for another chorus, Chorus B, and somewhat to my surprise, I got into that one. I've been to a couple of rehearsals for Chorus B, and *greatly* prefer it to Chorus A for a host of reasons beyond the scope of this question. (To be honest, my opinion is partially informed by the fact that Chorus B has a far better reputation than Chorus A.)
I'm willing to stick it out with Chorus A until the end of the year, but absolutely not past that. The problem is that I was elected for a two-year term, so I really should be staying around until 2016. This is a volunteer chorus, and the Board of Directors are also volunteers; it's certainly not unheard of for people to step down mid-term. But as I mentioned, there are a lot of politics and drama that go on behind the scenes and I don't want to leave anyone in the lurch.
My mind is made up that I'm leaving Chorus A at the end of the year, so the issue isn't which chorus to choose -- there's really no contest between Choruses A and B. But believe it or not, I've never been in the position of having to withdraw from something I tacitly conceded that I'd be doing for two years. What's the best way to go about gradually backing out?
Here's the situation: in September 2012, after a long hiatus from choral singing, I decided to get back into the game again. Because I was pretty rusty, I auditioned for a few choruses and got into two of my last choices. I went with the better of those two, Chorus A, and have been with them since that time. Until fairly recently, I enjoyed singing with Chorus A.
Flash forward to late 2013: someone on the Board of Directors of Chorus A asks me to run for the board. I agree, and win election in January 2014. A little later, the librarian for the chorus asks me if I'd be willing to take over her position, as she's been doing it for 30 years and is frankly sick of it. I agree to that too, and eventually get elected as librarian in May 2014. (For anyone who doesn't know: a chorus librarian is responsible for buying scores and selling them to the membership, and also buying orchestral parts and making sure those get to the orchestra members.)
This is all fine until pretty recently, when several things happened. First, once I started working closely with the chorus's music director, I decided that I don't care for him at all. He's nasty, condescending, and, above all, really up himself -- just a real diva. Second, I discovered that the board is pretty dysfunctional; nothing gets done without a ton of finger pointing, back biting, and high drama. Third, a friend of mine encouraged me to audition for another chorus, Chorus B, and somewhat to my surprise, I got into that one. I've been to a couple of rehearsals for Chorus B, and *greatly* prefer it to Chorus A for a host of reasons beyond the scope of this question. (To be honest, my opinion is partially informed by the fact that Chorus B has a far better reputation than Chorus A.)
I'm willing to stick it out with Chorus A until the end of the year, but absolutely not past that. The problem is that I was elected for a two-year term, so I really should be staying around until 2016. This is a volunteer chorus, and the Board of Directors are also volunteers; it's certainly not unheard of for people to step down mid-term. But as I mentioned, there are a lot of politics and drama that go on behind the scenes and I don't want to leave anyone in the lurch.
My mind is made up that I'm leaving Chorus A at the end of the year, so the issue isn't which chorus to choose -- there's really no contest between Choruses A and B. But believe it or not, I've never been in the position of having to withdraw from something I tacitly conceded that I'd be doing for two years. What's the best way to go about gradually backing out?
"I'm sorry, but due to some unforeseen circumstances, I won't be able to continue to participate after the end of this year." As you note, people step down from office all the time, for all sorts of reasons. They should be happy you're giving them so much notice, but since you'll be leaving Chorus A anyway, I don't see how it matters how they take it. If you have close friends there I'm sure they'll understand whatever you choose to tell them privately.
posted by ubiquity at 10:31 AM on September 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by ubiquity at 10:31 AM on September 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
The Nixon approach:
posted by Etrigan at 10:32 AM on September 9, 2014 [13 favorites]
Dear [person]:That's all. Don't give your reasons, just do it. You don't owe anyone an explanation, and you don't owe them any more of your time than you want to give them. Tell the BoD that you'll give the books to whomever they designate no later than December 31st, or as early as they want. Keep copies to make sure no one does anything hinky and blames you for it. If they want you gone earlier, accept with grace and bow out.
I hereby resign the office of Treasurer and my position on the Board of Directors, effective December 31st, 2014.
Sincerely,
holborne
posted by Etrigan at 10:32 AM on September 9, 2014 [13 favorites]
Oh, man, just go. It's a volunteer chorus. Leaving Chorus A after the 2014 year-end concert gives them plenty of notice, and that's just in time to start rehearsing with Chorus B for their spring concert. There's no gradual way to do it. Send a note to the responsible officer(s) now and tell them what you're going to do.
posted by JimN2TAW at 10:33 AM on September 9, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by JimN2TAW at 10:33 AM on September 9, 2014 [3 favorites]
Can you claim that your work and other commitments won't allow you to continue in the roles? Or that your interests have moved on? It sounds like it's stopped being fun for you.
There will be drama, but there will be drama anyway. I'm sure your work has been appreciated by the member of the chorus, if not the board.
posted by scruss at 10:35 AM on September 9, 2014
There will be drama, but there will be drama anyway. I'm sure your work has been appreciated by the member of the chorus, if not the board.
posted by scruss at 10:35 AM on September 9, 2014
It's admirable that you want to honor your volunteer commitment. I work with volunteers a lot and you wanting to make this a smooth transition for them is very kind.
I assume you have someone in a vice-you role, or at least someone that your board position works closely with. Now is the time to talk to that person about them taking over your position. Document your procedures and make things as organized as possible so that someone can pick up where you left off.
Honestly I don't think you should commit yourself past the new year. Until December is plenty. Until May, when you're on the way out, is overkill.
If you roll your position over to this new person, facilitate elections for a board replacement, and pick up some slack during a month or two of transition period the team will be able to cope just fine. Don't let yourself get involved in any drama.
posted by phunniemee at 10:37 AM on September 9, 2014
I assume you have someone in a vice-you role, or at least someone that your board position works closely with. Now is the time to talk to that person about them taking over your position. Document your procedures and make things as organized as possible so that someone can pick up where you left off.
Honestly I don't think you should commit yourself past the new year. Until December is plenty. Until May, when you're on the way out, is overkill.
If you roll your position over to this new person, facilitate elections for a board replacement, and pick up some slack during a month or two of transition period the team will be able to cope just fine. Don't let yourself get involved in any drama.
posted by phunniemee at 10:37 AM on September 9, 2014
Make a clean break, but if you can quietly find someone right now to take the librarian position after you, that might certainly keep the bad feelings down in the interim.
That seems like the critical job in the group, not the catty board member stuff.
posted by JoeZydeco at 10:39 AM on September 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
That seems like the critical job in the group, not the catty board member stuff.
posted by JoeZydeco at 10:39 AM on September 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
Inform the chair of the board (and possibly other officers) in writing that you are resigning both positions effective December 31st and that you are willing to spend some time training in your replacement as librarian. There may be some drama at future board meetings, but all you can do is refuse to engage by keeping your own communications short and matter-of-fact.
(I resigned a position on the board of a choir a couple years ago and felt horribly guilty. As sometimes happens in these situations, no one else acted like it was such a big deal. That may not be the case for you, but I thought it was worth mentioning.)
posted by Area Man at 10:43 AM on September 9, 2014
(I resigned a position on the board of a choir a couple years ago and felt horribly guilty. As sometimes happens in these situations, no one else acted like it was such a big deal. That may not be the case for you, but I thought it was worth mentioning.)
posted by Area Man at 10:43 AM on September 9, 2014
If you want to be a super helpful person, and possibly develop some truly useful skills yourself, find and cultivate some possible replacements for yourself in both positions, or at least recommend some replacements. Finding someone new to do these jobs will be the most difficult task you leave behind; you're in a prime position to know what's needed in the positions, and if you start now you might even be able to help train the new librarian.
This kind of thing is useful for any position -- people almost always want to move on, and being able to maintain order in an organization while changing people is rare and powerful. Your new chorus could probably use some help with this, too.
posted by amtho at 11:02 AM on September 9, 2014 [3 favorites]
This kind of thing is useful for any position -- people almost always want to move on, and being able to maintain order in an organization while changing people is rare and powerful. Your new chorus could probably use some help with this, too.
posted by amtho at 11:02 AM on September 9, 2014 [3 favorites]
Be extremely neutral in your notification, as others above have outlined. If you just absolutely feel like you need to explain your decision, tell them you are in over your head, you have too many commitments and, while it pains you to have to make a choice, a choice did have to be made.
Don't get into any explanation about why their behavior is appalling and how that contributed to your decision to leave. I have been known to try to give people feedback about stuff like that, thinking it would be helpful to them and make their lives easier if they would change some. It almost never helps them and just comes back to bite me in the ass. Their personal crap is just that: theirs. Focus on backing out in a way that protects you from drama as much as possible and just accept that if they want to create drama amongst themselves because of the void your absence is leaving, you have no control over that and if other people choose to put up with it, they likely have their reasons for staying in such a dysfunctional situation and it is their choice. You cannot be responsible for every little thing that happens as a consequence of your decision.
I am someone who tends to take quite a lot of responsibility for the consequences of my actions, but, somewhere along the way, I learned that there are limits to that and some piece of that is their problem and not my fault/responsibility/whatever. Some people are just going to turn anything into drama, no matter how well, nicely, diplomatically, etc you try to handle it. Some folks will use you trying to do right by them to frame you as some uppity bitch who thinks you are better than them. Sometimes, you just can't win.
posted by Michele in California at 11:03 AM on September 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
Don't get into any explanation about why their behavior is appalling and how that contributed to your decision to leave. I have been known to try to give people feedback about stuff like that, thinking it would be helpful to them and make their lives easier if they would change some. It almost never helps them and just comes back to bite me in the ass. Their personal crap is just that: theirs. Focus on backing out in a way that protects you from drama as much as possible and just accept that if they want to create drama amongst themselves because of the void your absence is leaving, you have no control over that and if other people choose to put up with it, they likely have their reasons for staying in such a dysfunctional situation and it is their choice. You cannot be responsible for every little thing that happens as a consequence of your decision.
I am someone who tends to take quite a lot of responsibility for the consequences of my actions, but, somewhere along the way, I learned that there are limits to that and some piece of that is their problem and not my fault/responsibility/whatever. Some people are just going to turn anything into drama, no matter how well, nicely, diplomatically, etc you try to handle it. Some folks will use you trying to do right by them to frame you as some uppity bitch who thinks you are better than them. Sometimes, you just can't win.
posted by Michele in California at 11:03 AM on September 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
Keep it positive by always bringing the conversation back to the positive things you're going to do in the next 4 months (now through end-of-year).
Them: "You're leaving us in the lurch! We trusted you and elected you, thinking you'd stick to it!"
You: "I know you did, and so I'd like to make sure we get A, B, and C done in the next months. Now, the next step for A is..."
Them: "Why are you leaving? I'm frankly disappointed. What's your reason?"
You: "I'd prefer not to go into that. Instead, we should spend this time getting the financial books in the best shape for my successor. So let's ..."
Them: "Will you stay if we stop doing X? What if we give you this perk?"
You: "No, that's not on the table, but what I want to do is help you find another librarian, by doing..."
posted by vienna at 11:20 AM on September 9, 2014 [8 favorites]
Them: "You're leaving us in the lurch! We trusted you and elected you, thinking you'd stick to it!"
You: "I know you did, and so I'd like to make sure we get A, B, and C done in the next months. Now, the next step for A is..."
Them: "Why are you leaving? I'm frankly disappointed. What's your reason?"
You: "I'd prefer not to go into that. Instead, we should spend this time getting the financial books in the best shape for my successor. So let's ..."
Them: "Will you stay if we stop doing X? What if we give you this perk?"
You: "No, that's not on the table, but what I want to do is help you find another librarian, by doing..."
posted by vienna at 11:20 AM on September 9, 2014 [8 favorites]
Overall, I like vienna's style, but I would not say "I'd prefer not to go into that." as it implies there is something negative to hide and backbiting drama-y people will be all over that like white on rice. Instead, I would say something like "I already told you in my resignation letter that I am simply overcommitted. Given that time is short, I would like to spend this time on...(whatever whatever)".
So I would take more of a "I have already explained it, I have nothing to hide, there is nothing to see here" kind of position. Because otherwise they are likely to hound you for why you hate them, why you are being a traitorous bitch, etc, which won't be at all productive, given the atmosphere you have described, and will just make you more miserable, not less.
posted by Michele in California at 11:26 AM on September 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
So I would take more of a "I have already explained it, I have nothing to hide, there is nothing to see here" kind of position. Because otherwise they are likely to hound you for why you hate them, why you are being a traitorous bitch, etc, which won't be at all productive, given the atmosphere you have described, and will just make you more miserable, not less.
posted by Michele in California at 11:26 AM on September 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
I left a dysfunctional, drama-filled Board halfway through my term (actually, I've left quite a few dysfunctional boards), and my experience is: people won't even notice you're gone. Drama will fill the void left by your absence, and you will be quickly forgotten.
So just go. And don't give it a second thought.
(on the other hand, I do think it's poor form to leave a well-functioning Board. There you run the risk of breaking something that isn't broken).
posted by kanewai at 12:23 PM on September 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
So just go. And don't give it a second thought.
(on the other hand, I do think it's poor form to leave a well-functioning Board. There you run the risk of breaking something that isn't broken).
posted by kanewai at 12:23 PM on September 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
If you hadn't said yes in the first place, they'd have had to fill these two positions, so they're no worse off than if you'd said no. Some people may be pissed at you, but you have to do what's right for you. It's necessary. Stop thinking that resigning is optional. It's not.
When someone points out that's you're putting the board in a tight spot, it's never happened before, you need to honor your commitment, say: You're right. I'm very sorry for letting you down." Don't give details; just say that you can't stay in the position beyond x date.
posted by wryly at 1:40 PM on September 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
When someone points out that's you're putting the board in a tight spot, it's never happened before, you need to honor your commitment, say: You're right. I'm very sorry for letting you down." Don't give details; just say that you can't stay in the position beyond x date.
posted by wryly at 1:40 PM on September 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
p.s.: You're giving them plenty of notice. This is important.
posted by wryly at 1:44 PM on September 9, 2014
posted by wryly at 1:44 PM on September 9, 2014
Response by poster: Thanks for the great comments here, everyone. As it happens, I spent a good portion of today's work day on the phone with the President, who was complaining to me about the music director, and then she happened to mention that the music director was complaining to her about me. Sigh. I really do not need this.
posted by holborne at 3:06 PM on September 9, 2014
posted by holborne at 3:06 PM on September 9, 2014
Just read your follow-up comment. Quit NOW. Don't waste another minute with these goofballs. Who cares what they say about you; you'll be gone.
posted by tk at 8:07 AM on September 10, 2014
posted by tk at 8:07 AM on September 10, 2014
Quit. Just quit. I dragged out leaving the board and leadership of another dysfunctional nonprofit arts organization until after I had completed the full term, and I wish I could get that time back. I think it's responsible to assist in wrapping up current librarian projects (or leaving them in a state where someone else can pick them up) but this is supposed to be a fun way to spend your recreation time. Keep it neutral and stay firm. You will feel so liberated once it's over.
posted by gateau at 10:52 AM on September 12, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by gateau at 10:52 AM on September 12, 2014 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
You're not going to be remembered fondly either way, so just quit and make a clean break of it. Organizations like Chorus A just take and take from people who want do the right thing, but in the end it's just a soul suck. You do no one any real favors by holding their hands through your departure.
Just quit.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 10:31 AM on September 9, 2014 [16 favorites]