I took the road less traveled -- and it has made all the difference?
September 5, 2014 11:47 AM Subscribe
I was on a path to professional success -- and decided to buck the trend and do something less "safe." And now I regret it?
Hi. I went to a really good college, and then a really good professional school (think something like business or law) and while I was at both those schools, I did really well, with lots of accolades, etc. In Mindy Kaling's words, I killed it. (I say this not to brag, but to set up the background for the question!)
I had lots of job offers after college to do a job that was kind of corporate; I also could have done something more "public interest" in the same competitive, important field. But I wanted to . . . do something different. A lot of people in the field seemed unhappy. At the time, I was reading a lot about following your passion, and I went off and did another degree (an MFA) and have been able to cobble together a living somewhat with writing/freelance work/some teaching.
This has kind of worked out for me for a while -- I don't really answer to anyone, and I avoid the office life that I never liked in the first place. This is particularly true now that I am a parent. But now I'm reaching my mid-thirties, and I'm really starting to feel my age. My friends from my grad school era are doing REALLY well -- financially and professionally. They've started their own businesses, they own townhouses in the West Village, they are quoted in the New Yorker, some are now considered experts in their field, and are proud of it. Yes, prestige kind of stuff, but also, I think, personal satisfaction with the contribution they're making to the world.
I don't feel this yet, and I don't feel I have a real career. And now I'm wondering if the road less travelled was just me wimping out of hard work.
I'm not sure what to do now. It wasn't that I hated the previous path I was going in -- I was just more excited about the creative life. There's no telling -- maybe if I keep trudging with the creative life where I've had some mild success I can make more of a career out of it -- maybe even a really good career at it. But then again, I'm getting old -- if I'm ever going to rekindle the sparks of my former glory from grad school, I have to do it now. (If it helps, I was lucky enough to get a lot of funding for my degrees, and any residual loans have been paid off with a lot of sweat equity.) But to go back would be a real struggle; I'd have to start at the bottom and work my way up again.
Has anyone ever faced a similar decision? Did you choose career over a passion with a slim chance of success? (Or vice versa?) How do you even go about making this kind of decision? I just don't want to be 40 and broke with my kids all in school and think, why did I give it all up?
Hi. I went to a really good college, and then a really good professional school (think something like business or law) and while I was at both those schools, I did really well, with lots of accolades, etc. In Mindy Kaling's words, I killed it. (I say this not to brag, but to set up the background for the question!)
I had lots of job offers after college to do a job that was kind of corporate; I also could have done something more "public interest" in the same competitive, important field. But I wanted to . . . do something different. A lot of people in the field seemed unhappy. At the time, I was reading a lot about following your passion, and I went off and did another degree (an MFA) and have been able to cobble together a living somewhat with writing/freelance work/some teaching.
This has kind of worked out for me for a while -- I don't really answer to anyone, and I avoid the office life that I never liked in the first place. This is particularly true now that I am a parent. But now I'm reaching my mid-thirties, and I'm really starting to feel my age. My friends from my grad school era are doing REALLY well -- financially and professionally. They've started their own businesses, they own townhouses in the West Village, they are quoted in the New Yorker, some are now considered experts in their field, and are proud of it. Yes, prestige kind of stuff, but also, I think, personal satisfaction with the contribution they're making to the world.
I don't feel this yet, and I don't feel I have a real career. And now I'm wondering if the road less travelled was just me wimping out of hard work.
I'm not sure what to do now. It wasn't that I hated the previous path I was going in -- I was just more excited about the creative life. There's no telling -- maybe if I keep trudging with the creative life where I've had some mild success I can make more of a career out of it -- maybe even a really good career at it. But then again, I'm getting old -- if I'm ever going to rekindle the sparks of my former glory from grad school, I have to do it now. (If it helps, I was lucky enough to get a lot of funding for my degrees, and any residual loans have been paid off with a lot of sweat equity.) But to go back would be a real struggle; I'd have to start at the bottom and work my way up again.
Has anyone ever faced a similar decision? Did you choose career over a passion with a slim chance of success? (Or vice versa?) How do you even go about making this kind of decision? I just don't want to be 40 and broke with my kids all in school and think, why did I give it all up?
I chose sorta-passion over career, and have regretted it bitterly every single day since about a year into the new trajectory. A decade-plus down the line, were I still in a position to switch back, I'd do it in a heartbeat. IME, it really doesn't get better.
posted by Bardolph at 11:54 AM on September 5, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by Bardolph at 11:54 AM on September 5, 2014 [4 favorites]
I gave up good money and the corporate life for a tenuous freelance existence a decade ago, and I haven't regretted it for a second. It sounds to me like the only reason you're (possibly/tentatively) regretting it is that you compare yourself to your friends who "are doing REALLY well" and have started their own businesses, own townhouses in the West Village, and are quoted in the New Yorker. Seriously, that's bullshit, and you need to stop doing it. If you have other friends who do not own townhouses in the West Village, you should focus on them and maybe let the others go, at least until you feel more comfortable with your choices in life. It's like marrying someone and still looking enviously around at people who have MUCH HOTTER spouses; it can only lead to grief. You married this life; enjoy it and stop thinking about what might have been. You do realize, don't you, that a lot of people who own townhouses in the West Village and are quoted in the New Yorker are miserable? And that some of your grad-school friends may well be miserable but putting a good face on it because who's going to sympathize with the whining of a rich New Yorker?
posted by languagehat at 12:08 PM on September 5, 2014 [12 favorites]
posted by languagehat at 12:08 PM on September 5, 2014 [12 favorites]
I took the road less traveled and...huh, it has had a lot of hidden benefits as well as unexpected bitterness. I don't have much money, I don't get any respect for my work, I could vanish from the world tomorrow and no one would notice. I am not an academic, as I wanted very badly to be for many years. There are various benefits which may not apply to you (gig with benefits rather than risk of adjuncting; getting to live in a city I love instead of bouncing around the country; stuff like that). Sometimes I feel kind of bad about wasting my intelligence and having to spend all day doing pretty small potatoes work. Sometimes I wish I were Locally Respected And Famous, like people I know.
I think that for me the payoff, though, is that I don't do a lot of harm and I don't have the power to make terrible decisions that hurt many other people. I know folks whose jobs give them great though largely invisible power - they disburse government and charity funds, they run training programs, they arrange charity medical work. And they're rich now, and they're respected, and I see them (either by ignorance or because they have no choice) make decisions that fuck over the poor and uneducated, just like every other charitable/social welfare enterprise run by elites for the poors. I see white people helm organizations where the higher-ups are all white and the entry level workers are all POC. I watch peers develop an air of command and confidence in their power.
And I reflect that I have never wanted to make those choices and do those things. I don't want to dish out charity and overlook how my organization functions. I don't want to have a voice that brings all the service personnel to the counter in fake-smile obedience. Sometimes I wish profoundly that I had some of the sweet things that go along with that life - more money, more security, more respect. But I live a life where I don't have to dominate people or treat others as objects of pity and charity, and that's worth a great deal to me.
Being rich and powerful forces most people to take advantage of others, and it pushes them to believe that they are better, more intelligent and more important than others. Over time, that takes its toll on even the kindest and best person.
posted by Frowner at 12:10 PM on September 5, 2014 [30 favorites]
I think that for me the payoff, though, is that I don't do a lot of harm and I don't have the power to make terrible decisions that hurt many other people. I know folks whose jobs give them great though largely invisible power - they disburse government and charity funds, they run training programs, they arrange charity medical work. And they're rich now, and they're respected, and I see them (either by ignorance or because they have no choice) make decisions that fuck over the poor and uneducated, just like every other charitable/social welfare enterprise run by elites for the poors. I see white people helm organizations where the higher-ups are all white and the entry level workers are all POC. I watch peers develop an air of command and confidence in their power.
And I reflect that I have never wanted to make those choices and do those things. I don't want to dish out charity and overlook how my organization functions. I don't want to have a voice that brings all the service personnel to the counter in fake-smile obedience. Sometimes I wish profoundly that I had some of the sweet things that go along with that life - more money, more security, more respect. But I live a life where I don't have to dominate people or treat others as objects of pity and charity, and that's worth a great deal to me.
Being rich and powerful forces most people to take advantage of others, and it pushes them to believe that they are better, more intelligent and more important than others. Over time, that takes its toll on even the kindest and best person.
posted by Frowner at 12:10 PM on September 5, 2014 [30 favorites]
Hmm. I did choose career over what I thought were passions ten years ago, and I am glad, but for reasons that you did not name.
1. I am really glad to have employer-provided health insurance, paid leave, etc. I'm glad, in general, that someone else handles all of the "Human Resources" areas of my life.
2. I am glad that my life is divided into times of "work" and "not work." If I worked for myself, I'd have trouble balancing that.
3. I like to have a place to go that is not my house, with other adults there. Doubly so since becoming a parent. When I was in school, I didn't know how hard it would be to make friends outside of school/work.
Of course, I'm fortunate enough to work very good hours with very good benefits, for an organization that at least tries to do good things in the world. If I had a long commute, long hours, or philosophical conflict with my line of work, I wouldn't feel as I do.
posted by missrachael at 12:32 PM on September 5, 2014 [5 favorites]
1. I am really glad to have employer-provided health insurance, paid leave, etc. I'm glad, in general, that someone else handles all of the "Human Resources" areas of my life.
2. I am glad that my life is divided into times of "work" and "not work." If I worked for myself, I'd have trouble balancing that.
3. I like to have a place to go that is not my house, with other adults there. Doubly so since becoming a parent. When I was in school, I didn't know how hard it would be to make friends outside of school/work.
Of course, I'm fortunate enough to work very good hours with very good benefits, for an organization that at least tries to do good things in the world. If I had a long commute, long hours, or philosophical conflict with my line of work, I wouldn't feel as I do.
posted by missrachael at 12:32 PM on September 5, 2014 [5 favorites]
I chose passion over the straight life - although, within the world of music, my particular avenue of activity is generally considered pretty straight and safe. I work on Broadway a lot - so to the guys touring and playing rock gigs, I might as well have - no, I *DO* have - a corporate job. But to friends, former classmates, etc who aren't musicians - they often react to my life as if it were far more exotic than it often (usually?) is. Point being - so much of this is a matter of perspective. One man's fulfilling life is another man's drudgery.
posted by fingers_of_fire at 12:56 PM on September 5, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by fingers_of_fire at 12:56 PM on September 5, 2014 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: This is great, and you've definitely called me a bit on the prestige BS. I know that doesn't matter. I guess it's more a deep personal satisfaction with what I'm doing with my life -- that I have skills people need and that what I do matters to anyone. If that makes sense?
posted by EtTuHealy at 1:05 PM on September 5, 2014
posted by EtTuHealy at 1:05 PM on September 5, 2014
I left academia after a very successful postdoc to work for myself (as a private tutor), and I could not be happier with the decision. But that's largely because it's a near perfect personality fit. I like being my own boss; I'm good at keeping really good records; I'm resourceful enough to find all the info I need to do things legitimately and to do them well; I connect well with students and parents. And most importantly, I really love working with motivated students, and there are plenty of people willing to pay me an appropriate amount to do so.
Right now, I'm making less than half what my friends in professor jobs make, and occasionally that sparks a bit of jealousy. But if I stop and think about it, holy cow do I not want the stresses in their lives, which is why I CHOSE not to be a professor. I don't have to do soul-sucking things like grading or committee meetings, I don't have constant nagging thoughts about how I should be cranking out more papers, and if I'm still working at 8pm, it's probably because I didn't start until 3pm (perfectly acceptable to this night owl). Eventually I'll build my business up to the sweet spot balancing money vs time, and the magic is that I get to choose that spot.
I think a big catch with the freelance life is that you want to be doing something that you are really good at (and know you are really good at) and that is important/meaningful to you for some reason. Personal tutoring and mentoring is really fulfilling for me in a way that academic research never was, so I really look forward to going to work now.
posted by ktkt at 1:12 PM on September 5, 2014 [8 favorites]
Right now, I'm making less than half what my friends in professor jobs make, and occasionally that sparks a bit of jealousy. But if I stop and think about it, holy cow do I not want the stresses in their lives, which is why I CHOSE not to be a professor. I don't have to do soul-sucking things like grading or committee meetings, I don't have constant nagging thoughts about how I should be cranking out more papers, and if I'm still working at 8pm, it's probably because I didn't start until 3pm (perfectly acceptable to this night owl). Eventually I'll build my business up to the sweet spot balancing money vs time, and the magic is that I get to choose that spot.
I think a big catch with the freelance life is that you want to be doing something that you are really good at (and know you are really good at) and that is important/meaningful to you for some reason. Personal tutoring and mentoring is really fulfilling for me in a way that academic research never was, so I really look forward to going to work now.
posted by ktkt at 1:12 PM on September 5, 2014 [8 favorites]
If I can chime in once more - I was asking myself similar questions a few years ago, coincidentally or not around the time that Obama was first elected. It seemed like IMPORTANT THINGS were happening and I was on the sidelines, if not hurting things then certainly not helping. I was reminded at the time that the consequences of our actions are often unknown - it may feel to me like I'm robotically playing a Broadway show, but maybe a surgeon is in the audience who enjoys him/herself enough to relax, which in turn results in a better, smoother, more effective life-saving surgery the next day. It's a thin rope to be sure, but it IS there. I'm not a father, so it's easy for me to start telling you to volunteer or take a class or two, but that's always an option. Whether or not it results in a new, lucrative, prestige-laden career - I suspect it'll dramatically influence the way you experience your life.
posted by fingers_of_fire at 1:12 PM on September 5, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by fingers_of_fire at 1:12 PM on September 5, 2014 [1 favorite]
I have no idea what you should do, but I wanted to note that thinking of yourself as too old and dreading starting at the beginning is possibly not realistic thinking. Your former classmates who have gotten far in their careers did it in the 10 or so years since graduating, which is not that long, and presumably they mostly started somewhere near the bottom.
A caveat is that sometimes it can be easier to get onto specific tracks if you're fresh from school or internships, etc. But I don't think it's that huge of a deal necessarily. Your CV is still impressive and when you figure out what you want there is a good chance you'll figure out a way to get it.
You do need to figure out what really matters to you, though, and what you are or are not willing to give up.
posted by egg drop at 1:15 PM on September 5, 2014 [3 favorites]
A caveat is that sometimes it can be easier to get onto specific tracks if you're fresh from school or internships, etc. But I don't think it's that huge of a deal necessarily. Your CV is still impressive and when you figure out what you want there is a good chance you'll figure out a way to get it.
You do need to figure out what really matters to you, though, and what you are or are not willing to give up.
posted by egg drop at 1:15 PM on September 5, 2014 [3 favorites]
....Check your MeMail. (If I posted it, it'd come dangerously close to a self-link.)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:21 PM on September 5, 2014
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:21 PM on September 5, 2014
grumblebee speaks.
Caveat: I never *really* had the opportunity for crazy institutional/corporate success. grumble bee's insights speak to me more for helping me contextualize my small-potatos-day-job and my creative life.
posted by j_curiouser at 1:24 PM on September 5, 2014 [1 favorite]
Caveat: I never *really* had the opportunity for crazy institutional/corporate success. grumble bee's insights speak to me more for helping me contextualize my small-potatos-day-job and my creative life.
posted by j_curiouser at 1:24 PM on September 5, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: One mistake people often make when they jettison the corporate life for the creative life is that they assume it should be this super fulfilling endeavor that feels like unicorns and rainbows all the time, and then they are surprised to find out it's not. Creative jobs are still work. They're not always super fun 24/7. The payoffs are not always as tangible and visible. There is often a lack of structure and external accountability that can be unsettling to Type A personality-having former corporate types.
The solution? You need to be in touch at all times with your own true preferences. You have this person's permission to conclude that your current gig is also not the ideal path for you. You are free to decide the payoffs and the tradeoffs of working in a Corporation actually are going to be worth it to you. Other people are not you.
This much is obvious: it is not too late for you to start again. You are still super young. But be careful you don't make the same mistake most Americans do and conflate "success" with 1) how cool your career sounds to other people who are not you, and 2) how much money you have. It's an easy trap to fall into in this society. Instead, be brave enough to define your own success, and stop worrying about what you think other people who are not YOU are doing.
Based on your follow up, you (like most USians) seem to think that, in general, corporate stuff "matters" more than creative stuff because of the better social payoffs. Though I don't happen to feel that way, I totally get why one might (because: the dominant values of our USian capitalist society). And it seems to me you're grappling with of some possibly false dichotomies here vis-a-vis the attributes of employment in Corporations vs The Arts.
Let's review the descriptors you've used to tell your story so far--
Legal-ish Career = "the trend," "accolades," "killed it," "good," "safe," "where people seemed unhappy," "prestigious," "important," "contributing to the world," and "glory." You note your former classmates doing this have All The Money and The Visibility and The Cool Things.
Writer-ish Career = "avoid the office," "not a real career," "you don't answer to anyone," "was excited to begin", and "mild success." It seems to trigger a constellation of worries for you about eventually Not Mattering - being "old," "broke," and unable to provide for your kids (in the overtly affluent way you may imagine your old classmates are providing for theirs, perhaps?).
It is so interesting to me that you quoted Mindy Kaling (I'm a fan, too). Having just read "Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns)" I see her as a potential "creative patron saint" figure for you, if you'll pardon my odd expression here. She was raised in a professional class, immigrant, Indian-American family, and went to Dartmouth, as I'm sure you know. She joked that as a child she would never take up a creative hobby like knitting because her mom would've considered it completely wasted time. So it's easy to imagine what the various expectations of her might have been when she was younger - similar to what the expectations of probably anyone raised as a member of the US Professional Classes are - maybe similar to your adolescence, too. Things like: Education. Financial independence. Raising kids to carry on the college and professional school legacy. Against considerable odds, Ms. Kaling has achieved fame and fortune in Hollywood as a creative type like yourself. Her comedy writing and her acting matter in what is, to you, an inarguable way. She is highly visible. She didn't follow her family's professional trends, and now she's getting public acknowledgement and lots of money for her creative work. Good for her.
So many people start off choosing the professions because they are actually super risk-averse and just want the false sense of security that they think Having All The Things brings. It's a choice based out of fear, not love. And they don't see that going to law school or what have you is also this real, huge risk. Among those risks is the near insta-creation of a reference group of these new peers in which Having All The Stuff becomes this social norm that nobody even questions anymore. We are who our friends are - it's on autopilot. Long-winded way of saying I get why seeing all the ways in which your former classmates are "succeeding" is throwing you for a loop. There are no easy answers.
posted by hush at 1:49 PM on September 5, 2014 [9 favorites]
The solution? You need to be in touch at all times with your own true preferences. You have this person's permission to conclude that your current gig is also not the ideal path for you. You are free to decide the payoffs and the tradeoffs of working in a Corporation actually are going to be worth it to you. Other people are not you.
This much is obvious: it is not too late for you to start again. You are still super young. But be careful you don't make the same mistake most Americans do and conflate "success" with 1) how cool your career sounds to other people who are not you, and 2) how much money you have. It's an easy trap to fall into in this society. Instead, be brave enough to define your own success, and stop worrying about what you think other people who are not YOU are doing.
Based on your follow up, you (like most USians) seem to think that, in general, corporate stuff "matters" more than creative stuff because of the better social payoffs. Though I don't happen to feel that way, I totally get why one might (because: the dominant values of our USian capitalist society). And it seems to me you're grappling with of some possibly false dichotomies here vis-a-vis the attributes of employment in Corporations vs The Arts.
Let's review the descriptors you've used to tell your story so far--
Legal-ish Career = "the trend," "accolades," "killed it," "good," "safe," "where people seemed unhappy," "prestigious," "important," "contributing to the world," and "glory." You note your former classmates doing this have All The Money and The Visibility and The Cool Things.
Writer-ish Career = "avoid the office," "not a real career," "you don't answer to anyone," "was excited to begin", and "mild success." It seems to trigger a constellation of worries for you about eventually Not Mattering - being "old," "broke," and unable to provide for your kids (in the overtly affluent way you may imagine your old classmates are providing for theirs, perhaps?).
It is so interesting to me that you quoted Mindy Kaling (I'm a fan, too). Having just read "Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns)" I see her as a potential "creative patron saint" figure for you, if you'll pardon my odd expression here. She was raised in a professional class, immigrant, Indian-American family, and went to Dartmouth, as I'm sure you know. She joked that as a child she would never take up a creative hobby like knitting because her mom would've considered it completely wasted time. So it's easy to imagine what the various expectations of her might have been when she was younger - similar to what the expectations of probably anyone raised as a member of the US Professional Classes are - maybe similar to your adolescence, too. Things like: Education. Financial independence. Raising kids to carry on the college and professional school legacy. Against considerable odds, Ms. Kaling has achieved fame and fortune in Hollywood as a creative type like yourself. Her comedy writing and her acting matter in what is, to you, an inarguable way. She is highly visible. She didn't follow her family's professional trends, and now she's getting public acknowledgement and lots of money for her creative work. Good for her.
So many people start off choosing the professions because they are actually super risk-averse and just want the false sense of security that they think Having All The Things brings. It's a choice based out of fear, not love. And they don't see that going to law school or what have you is also this real, huge risk. Among those risks is the near insta-creation of a reference group of these new peers in which Having All The Stuff becomes this social norm that nobody even questions anymore. We are who our friends are - it's on autopilot. Long-winded way of saying I get why seeing all the ways in which your former classmates are "succeeding" is throwing you for a loop. There are no easy answers.
posted by hush at 1:49 PM on September 5, 2014 [9 favorites]
Best answer: Here's some perspective: your friends who are doing "really well" will, like 99% of all people, be utterly forgotten 100 years after they die. Making your mark on the world is overrated. Most of humanity will live and pass into obscurity.
What should decide you is: are you happy (aside from not being rich/quoted in the New Yorker)?
Life has this problem: there is no re-do button. So we are constantly making choices with consequences we can't foresee decades from now.
Perhaps in an alternate universe, another you who took the other path is sitting in his townhouse in the dark, drinking an expensive drink and wondering what would have happened if he'd pursued his MFA. He can't know that, any more than you can know what would happen if you hadn't.
Which doesn't mean you shouldn't try to change your career, if you really want to. But don't do it for townhouses and New Yorker quotes. Do it because it's something you want to wake up and do every day.
posted by emjaybee at 1:51 PM on September 5, 2014 [4 favorites]
What should decide you is: are you happy (aside from not being rich/quoted in the New Yorker)?
Life has this problem: there is no re-do button. So we are constantly making choices with consequences we can't foresee decades from now.
Perhaps in an alternate universe, another you who took the other path is sitting in his townhouse in the dark, drinking an expensive drink and wondering what would have happened if he'd pursued his MFA. He can't know that, any more than you can know what would happen if you hadn't.
Which doesn't mean you shouldn't try to change your career, if you really want to. But don't do it for townhouses and New Yorker quotes. Do it because it's something you want to wake up and do every day.
posted by emjaybee at 1:51 PM on September 5, 2014 [4 favorites]
....Check your MeMail. (If I posted it, it'd come dangerously close to a self-link.
I don't think self links are prohibited in comments
posted by jayder at 2:10 PM on September 5, 2014
I don't think self links are prohibited in comments
posted by jayder at 2:10 PM on September 5, 2014
I think it is perfectly okay and reasonable to be envious of other people, and to second-guess the road less traveled.
The thing is, you have to assume ownership for making changes in your life. All changes are incremental. Figure out where you want to go (you're going to have to be realistic) and start making it happen on a daily basis.
Your current reality may suck, and it may be a long time before you have that townhouse and get quoted in the New Yorker. However, the disappointment fades when you get excited about succeeding in your new course.
posted by Nevin at 3:36 PM on September 5, 2014
The thing is, you have to assume ownership for making changes in your life. All changes are incremental. Figure out where you want to go (you're going to have to be realistic) and start making it happen on a daily basis.
Your current reality may suck, and it may be a long time before you have that townhouse and get quoted in the New Yorker. However, the disappointment fades when you get excited about succeeding in your new course.
posted by Nevin at 3:36 PM on September 5, 2014
So, it sounds like you have the sort of life where, if you wanted to, you could take Monday off and go swimming with your kid or enjoy afternoon tea with a good novel. Do you know how many people envy that kind of flexibility and time with loved ones?!
Accolades are nice and all, and they may, for a time, bring the super successful a sense of purpose and meaning, but they mostly just bring more work! I don't know anyone who owns a condo in the Village, but the big names I do know work all the time. Is that really what you want? Is it more important to you than your freedom?
Moreover, that sense of purpose and meaning that comes with this sort of success is only transitory. Everyone is, at the end of the day, replaceable; the world will keep spinning once the super successful people die, and in their heart of hearts all these people know that.
posted by girl flaneur at 4:32 PM on September 5, 2014
Accolades are nice and all, and they may, for a time, bring the super successful a sense of purpose and meaning, but they mostly just bring more work! I don't know anyone who owns a condo in the Village, but the big names I do know work all the time. Is that really what you want? Is it more important to you than your freedom?
Moreover, that sense of purpose and meaning that comes with this sort of success is only transitory. Everyone is, at the end of the day, replaceable; the world will keep spinning once the super successful people die, and in their heart of hearts all these people know that.
posted by girl flaneur at 4:32 PM on September 5, 2014
Best answer: Get over yourself.
You elected to do what you did, and you seem like a smart person. YOU KNEW that your path did not include big money and townhouses and being quoted in magazines. When you made those decisions you knew that these things meant very little to you.
That's not to say that your cohort isn't happy. They may be, because those things DO matter to them, and they now have everything they worked very hard for. Good for them!
As humans we often measure our successes by the degrees of success others have achieved. But it's so lopsided. Some humans were born with more advantages than we, or more talent, or more aptitude or more interest, so to say that they're better off than we are is silly. They're just differently off.
If you didn't know these people, and didn't have them to compare yourself with, would this even be an issue? Would you look at someone like Donald Trump and say to yourself, "That guy has money and power and a FIERCE comb-over! I wasted every minute of my life not following in his footsteps." FUCK no. Do you envy one jot of anything Donald Trump has? Of course not.
So look around at your life. You have a family, you have work you enjoy, you have a roof over your head. You didn't really want more than that did you? If you did, you would have worked for it and achieved it. You have exactly what you set out to have in this life. That means you're successful.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:46 PM on September 5, 2014 [2 favorites]
You elected to do what you did, and you seem like a smart person. YOU KNEW that your path did not include big money and townhouses and being quoted in magazines. When you made those decisions you knew that these things meant very little to you.
That's not to say that your cohort isn't happy. They may be, because those things DO matter to them, and they now have everything they worked very hard for. Good for them!
As humans we often measure our successes by the degrees of success others have achieved. But it's so lopsided. Some humans were born with more advantages than we, or more talent, or more aptitude or more interest, so to say that they're better off than we are is silly. They're just differently off.
If you didn't know these people, and didn't have them to compare yourself with, would this even be an issue? Would you look at someone like Donald Trump and say to yourself, "That guy has money and power and a FIERCE comb-over! I wasted every minute of my life not following in his footsteps." FUCK no. Do you envy one jot of anything Donald Trump has? Of course not.
So look around at your life. You have a family, you have work you enjoy, you have a roof over your head. You didn't really want more than that did you? If you did, you would have worked for it and achieved it. You have exactly what you set out to have in this life. That means you're successful.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:46 PM on September 5, 2014 [2 favorites]
I could vanish from the world tomorrow and no one would notice.
I would beg to disagree, Frowner. Your absence would certainly be noted by this Mefite, and I'm sure many others as well. And perhaps there is something here about how we don't always know how important to others we are, how well-regarded, or how (even) inspirational. Anecdote: I once had a friend tell me that she saw me as as strong and courageous and an admirable feminist. My reaction was surprise and embarrassment, but there it was: I was a single mother, working full-time, taking University classes at night, heading for grad school. I just thought I was doing what needed to be done. The OP might find that those Village townhouse owning friends often fantasize about a quieter life and a happy family and envy that MFA. Mileage varies.
posted by jokeefe at 6:09 PM on September 5, 2014 [1 favorite]
I would beg to disagree, Frowner. Your absence would certainly be noted by this Mefite, and I'm sure many others as well. And perhaps there is something here about how we don't always know how important to others we are, how well-regarded, or how (even) inspirational. Anecdote: I once had a friend tell me that she saw me as as strong and courageous and an admirable feminist. My reaction was surprise and embarrassment, but there it was: I was a single mother, working full-time, taking University classes at night, heading for grad school. I just thought I was doing what needed to be done. The OP might find that those Village townhouse owning friends often fantasize about a quieter life and a happy family and envy that MFA. Mileage varies.
posted by jokeefe at 6:09 PM on September 5, 2014 [1 favorite]
Oh my. So I just looked up your question history and I see that a bit ago you asked a question about buying a flat in London with a budget of over a million dollars.
I understand that London is a ridiculously expensive city and that a million there doesn't go all that far, but dude: when you are looking at apartments that are over a million dollars you are already in the top echelons of society, and you are spending this time and energy thinking about what you don't have in terms of signifiers of success? Words fail.
I suspect your privilege is warping your mind and making you a bit cray-cray.
posted by girl flaneur at 7:50 PM on September 5, 2014 [4 favorites]
I understand that London is a ridiculously expensive city and that a million there doesn't go all that far, but dude: when you are looking at apartments that are over a million dollars you are already in the top echelons of society, and you are spending this time and energy thinking about what you don't have in terms of signifiers of success? Words fail.
I suspect your privilege is warping your mind and making you a bit cray-cray.
posted by girl flaneur at 7:50 PM on September 5, 2014 [4 favorites]
If it helps lend any perspective, I have been on that "prestigious friends" trajectory since I left college.
I just walked away from the salary, the stock options, the sexy company, name recognition and prestige for the chance to write stories and make something of my own.
There is always what-ifs. Change or stay the course, but either way: stop comparing and enjoy the ride.
posted by ninjakins at 10:14 PM on September 5, 2014
I just walked away from the salary, the stock options, the sexy company, name recognition and prestige for the chance to write stories and make something of my own.
There is always what-ifs. Change or stay the course, but either way: stop comparing and enjoy the ride.
posted by ninjakins at 10:14 PM on September 5, 2014
My take on these kinds of questions is that we come to a realization that what we think we want is not what we actually want. I thought I really wanted to do research. And I do enjoy it. But then why do I not churn out more papers? The reason is that what I actually value is autonomy, independence, and making a good salary that allows me to live how I please along with the feeling that my career is on an upward trajectory. And I would rather be able to provide a good life for my family rather than have my (hypothetical) children feel their well being is being sacrificed on the altar of my personal whims.
My advice is to do a regular reassessment of what you are doing and why. It sounds like what you value is the ability to "make an impact."
posted by bright colored sock puppet at 12:26 AM on September 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
My advice is to do a regular reassessment of what you are doing and why. It sounds like what you value is the ability to "make an impact."
posted by bright colored sock puppet at 12:26 AM on September 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I guess it's more a deep personal satisfaction with what I'm doing with my life -- that I have skills people need and that what I do matters to anyone.
I recently made a decision to shirk a similarly "influential" career path for a passion, and long story short: What you do matters to your kids, and I think that having the guts to do what you wanted with your life will translate into a much more meaningful experience for them.
posted by Chutzler at 10:36 AM on September 6, 2014
I recently made a decision to shirk a similarly "influential" career path for a passion, and long story short: What you do matters to your kids, and I think that having the guts to do what you wanted with your life will translate into a much more meaningful experience for them.
posted by Chutzler at 10:36 AM on September 6, 2014
PS, I just realized with a start that that might have sounded boorish. I'm not trying to say that one way to parent is better than another—not at all! Just that your choice to pursue your passion isn't going to be without its own perks.
posted by Chutzler at 5:05 PM on September 7, 2014
posted by Chutzler at 5:05 PM on September 7, 2014
Best answer: Hmm. I chose Artsy Passion over Practical Field. For some years, I experienced a similar ennui to yours, but I worked on improving my artsy skills. And it was okay.
Then, for a variety of reasons, I chose to move into Second Practical Field (which I also happened to find interesting). Of course, just weeks into the switch, my Artsy Passion started to really take off.
Now I do both, and I'm way happier than I would have been doing either one alone. Second Practical Field is interesting, in demand, and well paid, so I achieve the satisfactions of financial stability, being needed, and of course, the fun of the job itself. Artsy Passion is starting to earn me some modest recognition and success, and gives me creative satisfaction and an outlet for the part of me that wants to Achieve Things. Plus I don't experience artistic burnout because of the day job. Although I am a little too busy.
Make of this what you will.
posted by the_blizz at 7:31 AM on September 8, 2014
Then, for a variety of reasons, I chose to move into Second Practical Field (which I also happened to find interesting). Of course, just weeks into the switch, my Artsy Passion started to really take off.
Now I do both, and I'm way happier than I would have been doing either one alone. Second Practical Field is interesting, in demand, and well paid, so I achieve the satisfactions of financial stability, being needed, and of course, the fun of the job itself. Artsy Passion is starting to earn me some modest recognition and success, and gives me creative satisfaction and an outlet for the part of me that wants to Achieve Things. Plus I don't experience artistic burnout because of the day job. Although I am a little too busy.
Make of this what you will.
posted by the_blizz at 7:31 AM on September 8, 2014
So Good They Can't Ignore You: Why Skills Trump Passion in the Quest for Work You Love
Cal Newport (Author)
This author has been referenced in metafilter before.
His maintains that job satisfaction derives from increasing mastery, inherent worth and positive social interactions associated with the endeavour.
One of his examples is that of Steve jobs who, if he had followed his passion, would have become a buddhist cleric. What he was good at turned out to be something completely different.
posted by canoehead at 8:05 AM on September 10, 2014
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If that's the case, consider - you have managed to figure out a way to pay your way in the world without having to do something you totally hate and without having to spend 8 hours of every day in an environment you hate. Isn't that also success? Or rather - would you consider the kind of freedom you have now something that is worth sacrificing for - what, a slightly bigger apartment?
If you actually did want to do this other professional thing as much as you'd wanted to follow your art, then that'd be one thing. But it sounds more like you're jealous of the fringe benefits that come with this other lifestyle than you are jealous of the actual things your friends do all day, and that's telling.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:53 AM on September 5, 2014 [4 favorites]