Recovering anorexic dealing with weight comments? TW

September 4, 2014 8:28 AM

I am a 28 y/o female in recovery for restrictive eating/anorexia and exercise bulimia/anorexia athletica. TW -- I'm trying to heal (gain weight) but I'm having a hard time dealing with continuing comments about how "tiny" and "great" I look (I'm in the US and for some reason people always feel inclined to say these types of things). Please see my extended text. I need advice on how to respond to and ignore these comments. If you have gone through something similar I'd love to hear from you.

I was at my worst about 5 years ago, having recovered behaviorally for a couple of years before slipping into a regression (that has lasted the past 2 years), which I am slowly clawing my way out of. My recent relapse has been shielded by an overlay of orthorexia, and before coming to terms with that fact, I even had myself fooled into believing I was living an incredibly healthy lifestyle. I have since recognized my need to address recovery once again and work on my self-love. I could go on about my habits but that is not the point of this post.

My question is about coping with friends, family, and coworkers who a.) haven't known me long enough to know I actually don't naturally exist in an emaciated state (they believe I am "lucky" to have a "fast metabolism") or b.) are likewise fooled by my love of "health and exercise". As part of recovery I know there are scenarios in which I must cope with the outside world because I cannot change it. However, I, at best, become uncomfortable with the comments on my thinness, and at worst feel that compulsion to identify with thinness (inner "I am worthy because I am thin" dialogue) which drastically undercuts my healing process. For example, I may have a friend who compliments my "perfect" arms, or my family members who like to talk about healthy trends because they assume (understandably) that I genuinely enjoy talking about zucchini noodles or intermittent fasting. (BTW -- I'll add that family and friends remained in denial during the original throws of my anorexia and still do not believe I was ever sick; I eventually sought treatment myself)

How can I nip all this in the bud? I feel lately as if I've imploded into my own journey of soul-seeking and genuinely want to heal, and enjoy all foods, and relax my habits, but it's difficult to deal with unsolicited comments (although of course, everyone means well, and really, their attitudes are just a product of this culture's disordered eating as a whole). I need tips on how to change the subject, how to respond, and how to block out the noise, so to speak.

posted by mrsgroundhog to Health & Fitness (15 answers total)

I suffered from a serious illness (not anorexia) that led to significant weight loss and a LOT of inappropriate compliments. I was quite scared at the time but my coworkers and acquaintances saw fit to tell me how lucky I was and how great I looked. It was very, very hard and you have my deep sympathies.

If I were you I would say, "thank you, but I only look this way right now because I have a disease. I'll be happy to get back to a healthy weight and feel better." This usually shuts people up. I say "disease" instead of "sick" to distinguish from stuff like mono and the flu (which some real geniuses consider the "best diets ever!")
posted by telegraph at 8:35 AM on September 4, 2014 [7 favorites]

I'm sorry. I'm with you on all of that - recovery from orthorexia and anorexia, compliments from people I know (and strangers!) about my body and lifestyle. Occasionally catty barbs about my body too (which makes me want to rip people's faces off, or at least respond, "I'd be happy to trade bodies as long as you'll take my mental disease too!")

My sister (another former anorexic and bulimic) takes the strategy of telling me how terrible I looked when I was thin and how great I look as I put on weight. I don't know if this is effective, but at least it's not actively damaging. I don't really want to be identified with "being pretty" either, but whatever.

I think Telegraph's idea, or some variation of it, is good... if I'm feeling really brave, I do tell people that I'm trying to gain weight, without specifying why.
posted by missrachael at 8:53 AM on September 4, 2014 [1 favorite]

If you want to be basically non-confrontational about it, reply with nothing but "Mm." and either wait for them to be uncomfortable or then change the subject yourself.

"I'm afraid I can't discuss that," is inarguable and slightly dire without being attention-grabby, for people who want to hurf durf about dieting. "I'm afraid I can't discuss that. How's your favorite sportsball team doing these days?" "I'm afraid I can't discuss that. How's school going?"

You could deflect the comments about your body that way as well. "Ah, well, let's not talk about that. What have you been up to lately?" You could even go with, "Oh, let's not comment on people's bodies. How was your weekend?"

You are not obligated to educate people, but you CAN if you want to. You're not obligated to be polite, either, but you can if you want to. Just remember that you are allowed to say no, and you can remove people who won't accept that from your life because they don't make it better.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:58 AM on September 4, 2014 [1 favorite]

For those that you'd like to respond to directly but don't want to share the details with, perhaps "Actually, I feel healthier when I'm not quite as skinny. I'd like to be a bit stronger and more energetic." (or whatever version you feel is accurate). That communicates to them what kind of support you'd like and might remind you of your health goals.
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 9:01 AM on September 4, 2014 [7 favorites]

I remember I was so heartbroken after my first boyfriend and I broke up, that I literally couldn't eat. I lost about 35 pounds in 2 months and EVERYBODY was telling me how wonderful I looked.
I can remember thinking, "I may look thin but I have never been so miserable in my life"
All I really wanted was to be happy again and I would rather have been heavier and still with my boyfriend.

Anyway, I just really used to deflect the comments by saying that yes, I had lost some weight but it was only temporary and I was looking forward to being heavier and happier in the very near future.

Be strong, do your best to ignore the people that really don't know they're saying anything hurtful to you, and if put in an uncomfortable situation, try ignoring, deflecting or just smiling and changing the subject.

Good luck on your road to recovery!
posted by JenThePro at 9:05 AM on September 4, 2014

My one concern would be that if you use telegraph's script, people may be likely to assume cancer or AIDS. That might to lead to more annoying/inappropriate comments.
posted by spaltavian at 9:14 AM on September 4, 2014 [1 favorite]

I think being honest, and non-shaming with yourself and with your friends/family can help all around. For example, responding with: "Ah, what you're seeing is a result of my battle with anorexia. I'm in recovery now and getting better" is a good way to go about it.
posted by vivzan at 9:45 AM on September 4, 2014 [11 favorites]

Recovering anorexic. Part of anorexia is talking about food and weight because it is literally the only thing on your mind. You may have established relationships where that is one of the few things you talk about outside of common activity (work ect). Change the topic. Ask questions. I say to complements something like actually my doctor wants me to gain a little weight because I'm bruising easily or have no energy. It adds medical authority without saying anorexia. Of they ask questions for more detail say something like I didn't know that being too skinny was exhausting. Isn't that strange? The move on.
I found that I got more genuine (I like the way you look) as opposed to jealousy (wow I wish I had those arms) when I weigh a normal wieght. The first is more interest in me and the second is more an interest in societal ideals and expectations. No matter what the media tells us 'perfect skinny' is miserable lonely and deadly. People don't want that. They want the social life, the complements, the success. And being healthy loving yourself is the secret to that ideal.
posted by AlexiaSky at 9:47 AM on September 4, 2014 [4 favorites]

Honestly, after being anorexic since college, the only thing that worked for me when I was recovering was to take people I knew aside after they made a pro-thin comment and say, "I am in the process of recovering from an eating disorder and while I appreciate your intent when you say things like XYZ, the impact is that it makes it harder for me to move forward as I get better. I'm making a lot of progress, and I am grateful to have you as a friend."

I totally understand if you don't want to go there, though, because outing yourself can be just as damaging. But you might find that with repeat offenders, only the truth will make an impact.

So proud of you for moving forward. May you be strong and healthy and everything you need.
posted by Hermione Granger at 9:47 AM on September 4, 2014 [10 favorites]

Response by poster: Thank you so much, all of this input means so much to me.
posted by mrsgroundhog at 10:00 AM on September 4, 2014 [2 favorites]

I don't have any direct experience with eating disorders. I just wanted to say that this thread has made me more aware of making these types of comments in the future.

Also, I think if someone responded to me with something that turned the focus back to me and my health, I would get the message. Maybe something like - "I know you mean well, but that's actually a bittersweet compliment for me. How is your health lately?"
posted by samthemander at 10:52 AM on September 4, 2014 [2 favorites]

When I was losing a great deal of weight, very quickly, because of medical related stuff going on, I took different approaches to this issue with different people depending upon a lot of factors.

Some people got taken aside and informed of my medical situation. This was an act of trust and it was confidential. I did not do this with just anyone. Not everyone really is going to care deeply about you and your struggle.

Because not everyone is going to care deeply, much less know how to deal with it constructively, for people I knew fairly casually, I never brought up the fact that it was medical related. In many cases, they were really wanting to know, for example, how they could lose weight. It wasn't really about me. It was more about "Gee, I am also plump and, dang girl, you have lost a ton of weight! What are you doing?" But they weren't framing it very well.

With people like that, I would talk real generically about "Oh, I do a lot of walking and I watch what I eat and I specifically avoid (short list of foods that I think might be useful info for them)." I talked about what I did framed in a way that was really about their unstated question "How can I get the dramatic results you are getting?" without snarkily saying "Well, you could try contracting cancer or something. My weight loss has a lot to do with my dire medical situation. THANKS!!!!"

For people who seemed to genuinely be trying to just make conversation with me and be sociable, I tried redirecting the conversation to things I was more comfortable talking about. I just deflected and failed to engage on the issue of my weight and would change the subject in a warm way to things we could chit chat about in a light-hearted, friendly way.

If someone was really just being obnoxious and not taking the hint that I don't really want to discuss this, then I would either do my best to avoid them or, if it was simply unavoidable, clue them that this is not really a comfortable topic for me and I really would rather not discuss it, though I am happy to discuss other things with you.

If some of your relatives remain in denial and engaging in toxic behaviors surrounding this issue and you just can't get them to engage you at all differently, you have my permission to dial those relationships back a bit and go find a bit more solitude or other folks to hang with, if you so choose.
posted by Michele in California at 10:52 AM on September 4, 2014 [4 favorites]

The world is divided into people who know and people who don't, and who think what you've been through is even remotely comparable to whatever they're talking about.

Forgive their cluelessness because you have overcome much greater obstacles than that and you are stronger than their ignorant words. What you've done so far is harder than kicking a heroin addiction.

I know. And like others above I'm also proud if you. Find people who know to hang out with.
posted by spitbull at 5:43 PM on September 4, 2014 [1 favorite]

Being in your situation stinks. I've often been in the same place. For example, my mom is making a dress for me, which involves measuring my hips, waist, chest. While she's measuring she almost always says something like "gosh, you're so tiny. I can use all these junior patterns" [or something similar.] I find this incredibly stressful.

What has worked for me is gently putting a u-turn in the conversation. So I'll ignore the comment about my size, and reply with something like "I really like the color of this fabric."

I like the more direct responses others have suggested. I'm not sure I could do that, so this is what I'm doing right now.
posted by MrBobinski at 6:40 PM on September 4, 2014 [1 favorite]

I've said variations on these to various people in my life. I find it takes some repeating before even well-intentioned people get it and remember not to bring up the subject.

"I know you mean that as a compliment, but I really prefer not to get comments about my body, positive or negative. You can say it's great to see me or something."

"I understand you mention [zucchini, etc.] because it's healthy, but I would rather not talk about healthy eating. I just feel like in our society today, we get so much advice from the media about how to eat, that when you and I are together, I'd rather spend our time talking about fun stuff like [movies, shopping, other shared interest]."
posted by Bentobox Humperdinck at 7:55 PM on September 5, 2014 [1 favorite]