Best response to very late texting from someone you're attracted to?
July 31, 2014 2:35 AM   Subscribe

Asked someone out. He said yes. I live far away and he planned to come visit soon after. He couldn't come ultimately (as he was busy getting ready for a trip). He was appropriately apologetic and nice about it (and I understood.. but know historically I have been too understanding too often, but first cock up, not a big deal). He said he'd make it up to me on his return. I last asked how he was getting on with sorting things out for his hols and when he was going. I didn't hear back for 4 days (today) he goes tomorrow.

I am not the worlds biggest texter, I'd hate it if he was constantly contacting and wanting to know my every move. I appreciate he's busy.. but I do think this is a bit dick-ish after just meeting someone and letting them down. I have a dire track record with the 'wrong ones' have avoided all this for several yrs due to this and am an anxious attachment type. I think I should wait to text until just before he leaves? (I do like him.. or thought I did).. But now feel I am fading into game playing territory which I don't really like the thought of. Sorry for the blow by blow posts on this.. it's just been a big thing for me to take any kind of chance. I'd love to hear from some guys, friend said "they are different with texts". True???? Is there anything in a kiss in one text and not the next? I can't imagine men think loads about that going by my male friends...
posted by tanktop to Human Relations (13 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
How far away does he live?
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 2:52 AM on July 31, 2014

Response by poster: 200 miles. Far.
posted by tanktop at 2:54 AM on July 31, 2014

He's blown you off once and now took 4 days to get back to you. He also lives 200 miles away. The distance is a barrier to this working and the fact he can't send you a text message for 4 days, well, it sort of seems to me that he's not that into you. Personally, I'd keep looking.

Also, "guys" are not all alike. People vary in their habits.
posted by Solomon at 3:04 AM on July 31, 2014 [20 favorites]

It's possible that the distance here means that he's not approaching this the way he might with someone who lives in, say, the next town over. It's also possible he's just not feeling this the way you are. Hard to say.

If I were you I would see how things go when he gets back from vacation. If he blows you off again, walk away.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 3:27 AM on July 31, 2014 [1 favorite]

To add an alternate perspective, four days between texts doesn't seem especially egregious to me. I often reply to texts the day after I receive them, and slipping into four days wouldn't be terribly unusual if I were particularly busy at that time.

He may very well be less than totally into you, but I wouldn't treat his texting speed as a measure of his interest. Everyone has different thresholds for frequency and immediacy of communications. Like FM, I suggest you see how things go for a bit before making a decision.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 4:30 AM on July 31, 2014 [3 favorites]

Guys who are into you let you know. Most people don't get all bajiggity right off the bat. He may be thinking, "tanktop is a nice person, once I get back we'll see how it goes." So now he's focused on his vacation and when he gets back, he may be ready to go out with you. Or not.

This is just a date, not a relationship. And it may or may not happen. Why are you so weirded out at this point? If he blows you off, it shouldn't be a crushing blow, it should be a minor annoyance combined with relief that at least you won't be dealing with flaky behavior in a romantic relationship.

Get your mind into other things, if he does call again, or text you, then hey, who knows. But if he doesn't, then no big deal. It's not like you were dating or anything.

It's hard, but you need to not invest so heavily at the beginning of dating, otherwise, you can't effectively evaluate to see if he's right for YOU!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 4:31 AM on July 31, 2014 [22 favorites]

and I understood.. but know historically I have been too understanding too often, but first cock up, not a big deal

Maybe not a big deal, but that's the point at which it's on him to make it happen or not. That little voice in the back of your head is piping up - listen to it, trust it.

And while it's getting stronger, stop extending conversations, asking questions to draw people out, etc. when they've already 1. had the cockup, and 2. referred to when they return from their trip. That was his cue to you that he was done chatting - I'll get back to you when I return. So instead of "how's the packing going?" you could have let it go or said "have a good trip" or even "ok."

You're used to pursuing, creating opportunities for the other person to stay in your life, etc. Being "too understanding." Don't do that. Relationships require effort from both parties - don't do the other person's work for them.

(This doesn't answer the question of where this guy's head is at with regard to you. You have to let go of knowing that, until he shows you. In the meantime, reassess where your head is at with regard to him. Are you sure one cockup is "no big deal"?)
posted by headnsouth at 5:07 AM on July 31, 2014 [7 favorites]

You need to make it be less of a big thing for yourself to ask a guy on a date.

He's on vacation and you've never dated. Just chill out and wait. I mean, if his text invites a response, go ahead and respond normally, but otherwise just wait and see what happens.

By the way, you should try dating closer to home, especially given your lack of experience. Living 200 miles away will make normal guys approach this differently (why would they look to start a real dating relationship that is long distance?), and if he approaches it normally for him it could be because he's already off in some way.
posted by J. Wilson at 5:21 AM on July 31, 2014 [1 favorite]

Yeah, you're reading too much into this. He was busy enough that he couldn't visit you, so it's not at all suprising that he's also not following up on communication. I wouldn't expect someone to reply to messages when they already told me there are busy.

Also, I don't know if this is a gender thing like your male friends say, but I do think you need to re-think texts. Texts are not for timely communication. If you want real time/near real time communication with someone, call them. Texts are like e-mails or letters. You don't know when the person saw them, you don't know when they'll have time to compose a response, and you don't know what else is going on around them.

Finally, I again can't speak for all men, but I am a mono-tasker. I hate doing more than one thing at a time, and I do them poorly when I try. I have failed to respond to texts in the past purely through accident: I received it while doing something else, and I put it aside intending to respond when I can focus on it, but I end up getting busier and forgetting.
posted by spaltavian at 5:56 AM on July 31, 2014

You're letting yourself be too fragile and too wrapped up in all of this. Let it go, and be gracious. His behavior has everything to do with him and nothing to do with you -- unless you make the mistake of overreacting too soon.
posted by Hermione Granger at 5:56 AM on July 31, 2014

Your best response? Don't contact him again. The ball is in his court, when he gets back from vacation.

He knows you want to see him. If he wants to see you, he'll make that very clear. It really is that simple.
posted by Specklet at 5:58 AM on July 31, 2014 [3 favorites]

[I] am an anxious attachment type

This is the wrong guy for you. You've met twice and talked for two hours and you're this torn up over him? And he lives 200 miles away? I can't see any way this ends well for you unless your only goal is a quick fling to get back in the saddle. (An if you're an attachment type, that rarely works out as planned.)

Most good trainers are good at instant rapport and seeming interested but the transitory lifestyle and demanding workload can make being friends with them a trial if one wants regular communication.
posted by Candleman at 8:17 AM on July 31, 2014 [4 favorites]

play it cool. people want what they don't have.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:42 AM on July 31, 2014 [2 favorites]

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