Deskilled in the mating game - what now?

July 23, 2014 10:23 AM

I've lived like a nun bar the religion for almost 5 yrs (after a couple of very bad relationship choices) in supposedly my sexual peak. Yeah right. I've worked on myself but I'm still quite gun shy/lack confidence in my own judgement of others (men especially) and pretty much avoid that side of life. So it came as a bit of a surprise when I found myself asking out my course trainer (just a one day thing) for a drink. He said yes :) .. which felt good but what the f happens now?

We spoke for maybe half an hour in total and had vaguely met a year ago. When I left he said he looked forward to seeing me again. He seemed genuine/interesting/interested (?) and like quite the gent (I generally haven't gone for gents.. well just the fraudulent ones)..We both took each others numbers (kind of unsmoothly instigated by me as mobile can play up). He asked if he can call any time (is that weird or considerate!?) Also we live 200 miles away (my family live in his city). I told him this and he said he might be travelling the country in a week or so (for a week).. and didn't know where he would going. I said if he was near my town to let me know.

So now I've had all the comments from family about how "that would never work anyway" etc (lovely)... and have been reminded of the capacity for neurosis one can have in these scenarios .. yuck... he hasn't contacted me and I haven't him. We met two days ago. As a younger woman I was good at playing cool... used to wait 3/4 days but this was pre-text I'm kind of too old for such bullshit but also don't want to look "too" keen/am busy etc and know it's a delicate balance.

I did make the first move.. so it would kind of be nice if he came to me.. but maybe he won't.. should I wait it out or text? And as clinical as this sounds any wisecrack first text suggestions would be appreciated... he's a fireman and paramedic. He's Romanian so it can't be something that gets too lost in translation. I'm really blushing about writing this, but badly out of practice! Hope he doesn't visit the green haha

posted by tanktop to Human Relations (7 answers total)

Yeah, as with most askme folks, I'm all for straightforward. If you know when you'll next be in his town, you can even ask if he wants to meet for that drink then. If not, wish him well on his travels and ask him to let you know if he's nearby for that drink. No need to play coy or come on strong, just let him know you'd enjoy meeting up sometime that works for you both.
posted by ldthomps at 10:40 AM on July 23, 2014 [2 favorites]

Yes, you should by all means ask him. So much easier.

I also recommend working on keeping these things to yourself a bit. Your family doesn't need to know about this interaction - that's building up this situation, which was really just a friendly meeting that was maybe a bit flirty. No need to tell the family just yet.

And good for you on getting his number and making the move. Nice work.

Oh, as far as not appearing too needy or keen... Don't worry about being "too" anything. Just be you.
posted by sockermom at 10:49 AM on July 23, 2014 [9 favorites]

I'm with ldthomps. Be straightforward. Let him know that you're interested in getting that drink, let him know when you're available. He'll either say yes or no. If yes, sweet. If no, no big.


So now I've had all the comments from family about how "that would never work anyway" etc

My personal little piece of advice on this is that to family members you're spending your time just "hanging out with some friends" until the two of you are an actual, publicly partnered couple. I so don't need my family to pass judgment on who I date or how I met them or how often I date or making any sort of speculation or odds calling on my love life. You don't either. No need to invite that stress into your life!
posted by phunniemee at 10:52 AM on July 23, 2014 [6 favorites]

Pick up your phone and call him. If he's interested it will be apparent. If he's not, welcome to the biggest club in the world.
posted by vapidave at 11:56 AM on July 23, 2014 [2 favorites]

Go with the honest approach- I want to see you. When are you free?

If he doesn't respond, then start hitting on more men. You have game or he wouldn't have given you his number. Is failure to respond says more about him than about you. And don't tell your family about any men, ever again.

Have you tried Tinder? It's super fun.
posted by myselfasme at 11:58 AM on July 23, 2014 [2 favorites]

If he is Romanian from Romania, and not just of Romanian descent (Romanian-American), then yes, be direct. In my experience (not with Romanians, but with crossing cultures and races to date) it will make it easier for everyone involved if you are clear and direct. (If it doesn't work with this man, oh well. Plenty more fish and all that.)

I also don't get a sense of your ages, but is he is younger, yes, definitely text sooner rather than later.

Brava to you for getting back in the game!
posted by GoLikeHellMachine at 7:47 PM on July 23, 2014

Response by poster: Think he texted around the time I wrote this :).. think was right thing holding out. First spate of neurosis soothed! Thanks for the encouragement and tip on never mixing the bud of possible romance with family perspective. Very wise!.. Not sure what I was thinking!
posted by tanktop at 11:00 PM on July 23, 2014