Am I training lovely lesbians?
October 30, 2005 5:09 PM Subscribe
Recently I found out that my 10th grade flame is not only doing well, but has ditched a potential husband and come out. She looks great.
I wouldn't think anything of it, except that my first true love and the first girl I ever kissed also decided they were gay after seeing me.
What're the odds? Am I recruiting for the other team?
This is meant somewhat tongue-in-cheek, of course.
I can't help but wonder, though: Am I feminine enough to attract girls who haven't figured out yet that they're gay, or am I persuading them (figuratively) to change sides?
Any "Chasing Amy" stories would be appreciated. For the statisticians out there, I'm 25 and have dated 7 ladies. I'm a bit of a geek, a 60% on the HotOrNot scale, an INTP, and haven't been tempted to reply to any 'enlarge your member' spam.
This is meant somewhat tongue-in-cheek, of course.
I can't help but wonder, though: Am I feminine enough to attract girls who haven't figured out yet that they're gay, or am I persuading them (figuratively) to change sides?
Any "Chasing Amy" stories would be appreciated. For the statisticians out there, I'm 25 and have dated 7 ladies. I'm a bit of a geek, a 60% on the HotOrNot scale, an INTP, and haven't been tempted to reply to any 'enlarge your member' spam.
I could wonder the same thing about me and gay men. A lot of my ex-boyfriends come out later.
Maybe that means we're soulmates?
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:17 PM on October 30, 2005 [1 favorite]
Maybe that means we're soulmates?
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:17 PM on October 30, 2005 [1 favorite]
Maybe there's something you like in girls' personalities that you're finding with greater frequency in lesbians? Was there anything they seemed to have in common?
posted by rebirtha at 5:27 PM on October 30, 2005
posted by rebirtha at 5:27 PM on October 30, 2005
Best answer: I've never liked the idea that people become gay based on who they date. Not to be too forceful, but it seems a little narcisstic to think that you "persuaded" anyone. It's not that you date people who then become gay, it's that you date people who were almost certainly gay before they met you.
I've always found the best way to approach this question is to turn it on it's head: Why do you think you are attracted to people who may very well be gay? Also, it's not clear that this is a problem, so relax. People are people, if you had fun with them and you shared something special, who cares? At least they didn't become Scientologists.
posted by allen.spaulding at 5:28 PM on October 30, 2005
I've always found the best way to approach this question is to turn it on it's head: Why do you think you are attracted to people who may very well be gay? Also, it's not clear that this is a problem, so relax. People are people, if you had fun with them and you shared something special, who cares? At least they didn't become Scientologists.
posted by allen.spaulding at 5:28 PM on October 30, 2005
Eh, nothing to worry about. You're not accidentally recruiting, and it's likely not any indication of your feminity or masculinity, as a feminine-ish man is a whole other ball o' wax from an actual girl.
Attraction's not always an immediate either-or thing -- a growing interest in girls doesn't mean that all guys are gross. You're talking about fairly young women, with whom you're still in touch enough to know the next steps they took in life. Consider it just slightly more than a coincidence.
posted by desuetude at 5:29 PM on October 30, 2005
Attraction's not always an immediate either-or thing -- a growing interest in girls doesn't mean that all guys are gross. You're talking about fairly young women, with whom you're still in touch enough to know the next steps they took in life. Consider it just slightly more than a coincidence.
posted by desuetude at 5:29 PM on October 30, 2005
Is it possible that you're simply attracted to lesbians?
I know I am.
posted by Clay201 at 5:57 PM on October 30, 2005
I know I am.
posted by Clay201 at 5:57 PM on October 30, 2005
Four of my ex-girlfriends wound up working at grocery stores. (True, really.) Coincidence? Or am I all vegetably and producey and that makes those girls want to fondle lettuce all day?
Don't sweat it. If I were you, I wouldn't give it a second thought.
On Preview: Clay, I spit with laughter
posted by Jon-o at 5:59 PM on October 30, 2005
Don't sweat it. If I were you, I wouldn't give it a second thought.
On Preview: Clay, I spit with laughter
posted by Jon-o at 5:59 PM on October 30, 2005
Best answer: I don't think anyone can be "recruited" or "persuaded" to be gay or lesbian. I'm of the mind that people either are or are not that way.
Of my gay and lesbian friends who I know well enough to ask about their lives before they came out, I've heard that the type of opposite-sex people they dated always had a few characteristics: they were viewed as really good friends, viewed as non-threatening (ie: you wouldn't force them to have sex with you), and viewed as easy to get along with. Basically, a glorified friend.
My guess is that you are a non-threatening male that doesn't have power or dominance issues, so lesbians find themselves comfortable and safe around you. I would consider it a good thing. Most women, regardless of sexual orientation appreciate that.
posted by Moral Animal at 6:03 PM on October 30, 2005
Of my gay and lesbian friends who I know well enough to ask about their lives before they came out, I've heard that the type of opposite-sex people they dated always had a few characteristics: they were viewed as really good friends, viewed as non-threatening (ie: you wouldn't force them to have sex with you), and viewed as easy to get along with. Basically, a glorified friend.
My guess is that you are a non-threatening male that doesn't have power or dominance issues, so lesbians find themselves comfortable and safe around you. I would consider it a good thing. Most women, regardless of sexual orientation appreciate that.
posted by Moral Animal at 6:03 PM on October 30, 2005
Jon-o;
While I can certainly see the humor here, I'm also quite serious. I am attracted to lesbians It's possible that anthill is as well.
posted by Clay201 at 6:05 PM on October 30, 2005
While I can certainly see the humor here, I'm also quite serious. I am attracted to lesbians It's possible that anthill is as well.
posted by Clay201 at 6:05 PM on October 30, 2005
If they weren't weird, we wouldn't bother to call them coincidences. I wouldn't give it another thought, except maybe for self-deprecating jokes at parties.
posted by cribcage at 6:11 PM on October 30, 2005
posted by cribcage at 6:11 PM on October 30, 2005
Four of six girls I dated in high school wound up pregnant prior to graduation. None of the children were mine.
posted by Kwantsar at 6:18 PM on October 30, 2005
posted by Kwantsar at 6:18 PM on October 30, 2005
Is it possible that you're simply attracted to lesbians?
I know I am.
LOL. Me too, Clay. Seriously -- I used to call my musical tastes the "Lesbian singer-songwriter mafia" (k.d. lang, Linda Perry, Tanita Tikaram, Melissa Etheridge ...). Definitely there was something there that I was interested in, in terms of personality or viewpoint.
As for being physically attracted, well, only two of the above do it for me, but in real life I have "chased Amy" more than once. I'm sure it was some combination of their unconscious ambivalence toward men and my own need to create unattainable relationships. As Mural said.
Along the same lines, several other women I've known have been notorious fag hags, or even had relationships with, uh, pre-gay men. I imagine there's a similar dynamic going in that direction. This is way more than coincidence.
posted by dhartung at 1:24 AM on October 31, 2005
I know I am.
LOL. Me too, Clay. Seriously -- I used to call my musical tastes the "Lesbian singer-songwriter mafia" (k.d. lang, Linda Perry, Tanita Tikaram, Melissa Etheridge ...). Definitely there was something there that I was interested in, in terms of personality or viewpoint.
As for being physically attracted, well, only two of the above do it for me, but in real life I have "chased Amy" more than once. I'm sure it was some combination of their unconscious ambivalence toward men and my own need to create unattainable relationships. As Mural said.
Along the same lines, several other women I've known have been notorious fag hags, or even had relationships with, uh, pre-gay men. I imagine there's a similar dynamic going in that direction. This is way more than coincidence.
posted by dhartung at 1:24 AM on October 31, 2005
Oh, wait. I forgot to add the time that a movie-buff pal and I were asked who our favorite actress was, and we both answered almost in unison, "Jodie Foster". (Something like that. I usually answer "Holly Hunter", actually.) The woman doing the asking said, "But she's a lesbian!" and we both agreed that it was no impediment to our being attracted. What we liked was her cool intelligence.
But maybe her choice of sex partners plays into that coolness.
posted by dhartung at 1:28 AM on October 31, 2005
But maybe her choice of sex partners plays into that coolness.
posted by dhartung at 1:28 AM on October 31, 2005
It seems that you're worried that you are failing in some way to be a fully satisfying man: either you're not charming enough or not good enough in bed or lacking in some other way that gives these women a bad experience of men and therefore they turn to women.
This is absolute rubbish - dismiss it from your mind and don't worry about it a second longer. I'm sure you are great in all areas, and even if you're not, any deficiency won't send women to the other side.
What you have to remember is that virtually all lesbians or queer women will have some relationship or sexual experience with a man before they 'realise'. I know I did. This happens because being with men is the default - the industry standard if you will.
To use an absurd metaphor, imagine that some type of food - say hamburgers - was virtually ubiquitous. That is, most people ate hamburgers most of the time. Someone tries one for the first time when they are growing up and it tastes really really really bad.
Now, this might be because it's a rubbish hamburger, or it might be because they just don't like hamburgers. But, it is virtually certain that the person will try another hamburger from somewhere else - everyone else seems to like them.
If the first hamburger they ate sucked, they will try another and like it and be very happy. If they just really don't like hamburgers, they'll realise after eating a few more and start looking for some alternatives.
In my case, I've always liked salad, but have recently started appreciating the deliciousness of hamburgers.
posted by pollystark at 2:00 AM on October 31, 2005
This is absolute rubbish - dismiss it from your mind and don't worry about it a second longer. I'm sure you are great in all areas, and even if you're not, any deficiency won't send women to the other side.
What you have to remember is that virtually all lesbians or queer women will have some relationship or sexual experience with a man before they 'realise'. I know I did. This happens because being with men is the default - the industry standard if you will.
To use an absurd metaphor, imagine that some type of food - say hamburgers - was virtually ubiquitous. That is, most people ate hamburgers most of the time. Someone tries one for the first time when they are growing up and it tastes really really really bad.
Now, this might be because it's a rubbish hamburger, or it might be because they just don't like hamburgers. But, it is virtually certain that the person will try another hamburger from somewhere else - everyone else seems to like them.
If the first hamburger they ate sucked, they will try another and like it and be very happy. If they just really don't like hamburgers, they'll realise after eating a few more and start looking for some alternatives.
In my case, I've always liked salad, but have recently started appreciating the deliciousness of hamburgers.
posted by pollystark at 2:00 AM on October 31, 2005
I used to call my musical tastes the "Lesbian singer-songwriter mafia" (k.d. lang, Linda Perry, Tanita Tikaram, Melissa Etheridge ...).Mine's Angry Lesbian Folk Music.
posted by holloway at 2:57 AM on October 31, 2005
I had a pretty heart-breaking short-lived experience with a girl who thought she might be bi, but really was a lesbian. I got too attached.
Don't sweat it. Unlike other harrowing love tales, there's really no way you can change this one. There's no thing you can say. They just aren't attracted to you, ipso-facto. It's about being realistic, and not rationalising things.
G'luck.
posted by Lockeownzj00 at 3:18 AM on October 31, 2005
Don't sweat it. Unlike other harrowing love tales, there's really no way you can change this one. There's no thing you can say. They just aren't attracted to you, ipso-facto. It's about being realistic, and not rationalising things.
G'luck.
posted by Lockeownzj00 at 3:18 AM on October 31, 2005
rebirtha: "Maybe there's something you like in girls' personalities that you're finding with greater frequency in lesbians? Was there anything they seemed to have in common?"
I think rebirtha has it. Your ex-girlfriends are far more likely to have personality similarities than any random group of women. There's a good chance that something you're attracted to in them is likely in lesbian or lesbian-leaning women. I wouldn't worry about it.. unless one of them told you "You turned me gay".
posted by Plutor at 4:50 AM on October 31, 2005
I think rebirtha has it. Your ex-girlfriends are far more likely to have personality similarities than any random group of women. There's a good chance that something you're attracted to in them is likely in lesbian or lesbian-leaning women. I wouldn't worry about it.. unless one of them told you "You turned me gay".
posted by Plutor at 4:50 AM on October 31, 2005
At one point, I had a streak of women I was seeing moving overseas. 3 in a row. I laughed it off and decided that it was part coincidence and part a trait that I enjoyed (sense of adventure).
posted by plinth at 5:04 AM on October 31, 2005
posted by plinth at 5:04 AM on October 31, 2005
Coincidence.
Years ago, I rented a cabin in the woods for the winter with two beautiful women, one of whom I had previously dated (and I had kissed the other). Friends joked about my "harem" and I would reply "With my luck they'll probably end up with each other." They have been together for fourteen years now!
posted by LarryC at 5:29 AM on October 31, 2005
Years ago, I rented a cabin in the woods for the winter with two beautiful women, one of whom I had previously dated (and I had kissed the other). Friends joked about my "harem" and I would reply "With my luck they'll probably end up with each other." They have been together for fourteen years now!
posted by LarryC at 5:29 AM on October 31, 2005
Am I recruiting for the other team?
I'm on two, myself, so we're in the same boat. Luckily, I think, the legal limit is three. But if it happens again, I'll have to seriously reexamine the effectiveness of my recruiting tool.
posted by horsewithnoname at 6:27 AM on October 31, 2005
I'm on two, myself, so we're in the same boat. Luckily, I think, the legal limit is three. But if it happens again, I'll have to seriously reexamine the effectiveness of my recruiting tool.
posted by horsewithnoname at 6:27 AM on October 31, 2005
I have a friend that's dated 3 girls named Katrina, all from Germany. Life has some odd concidences.
posted by fnord at 7:12 AM on October 31, 2005
posted by fnord at 7:12 AM on October 31, 2005
Maybe you're a closet homosexual and they caught teh gay from you?
Dunno how serious this question is, but my thought is that you are attracted to more interesting girls that are not so restricted by societal norms as most. Good for you.
Oh wait, BAD for you -- *I'm* supposed to get all the interesting girls...
posted by LordSludge at 8:29 AM on October 31, 2005
Dunno how serious this question is, but my thought is that you are attracted to more interesting girls that are not so restricted by societal norms as most. Good for you.
Oh wait, BAD for you -- *I'm* supposed to get all the interesting girls...
posted by LordSludge at 8:29 AM on October 31, 2005
Response by poster: Thanks for the illuminating answers, everybody. While I never seriously considered that I 'made them teh gay', I equally hadn't considered that *I* was attracted to them by a common demeanor that lots of gay girls have.
Now that I think of it, the things I look for in women (adventurousness, lack of obsession with fashion, enjoyment of camping and roughing it, and switch in the sack amongst others) are all pretty lesbian-like qualities...
Hm, well, I won't worry about it until I go for 4. :)
posted by anthill at 9:33 AM on October 31, 2005
Now that I think of it, the things I look for in women (adventurousness, lack of obsession with fashion, enjoyment of camping and roughing it, and switch in the sack amongst others) are all pretty lesbian-like qualities...
Hm, well, I won't worry about it until I go for 4. :)
posted by anthill at 9:33 AM on October 31, 2005
Hah. All of my girl friends are lesbian or have qualities that make them different from the girly-girl norm, and I'm the same way. I feel like I need to carry a sign saying "not a lesbian, I promise!" sometimes. So yeah, a heads up to all you excellent guys with an attraction to lesbians. Some of them aren't gay, and you can find hot straight chicks by being friends with (and being non-creepy towards) lesbian chicks.
posted by lorrer at 9:53 AM on October 31, 2005
posted by lorrer at 9:53 AM on October 31, 2005
Plinth: The first four girls that I dated all ended the relationship by going to another country. This final one that I'm with went to Boston, but it wasn't far enough, so we're still together.
And in the Venn diagram, I've had one girlfriend (from Spain) who "became" gay after I dated her. On the one hand, she already looked like a lesbian (shaved head, muscular), so I might have just been the last stop on the hetero train. On the other hand, I was the first guy to go down on her, and she loved it, so I always pegged that as the catalyst for deciding that she liked other things more than the dick... Ah, Guspi, donde esta?
posted by klangklangston at 10:04 AM on October 31, 2005
And in the Venn diagram, I've had one girlfriend (from Spain) who "became" gay after I dated her. On the one hand, she already looked like a lesbian (shaved head, muscular), so I might have just been the last stop on the hetero train. On the other hand, I was the first guy to go down on her, and she loved it, so I always pegged that as the catalyst for deciding that she liked other things more than the dick... Ah, Guspi, donde esta?
posted by klangklangston at 10:04 AM on October 31, 2005
Response by poster: Klangston, hey, that's another good one... unfortunately I can't validate your theory (I didn't go that far with the first two) but maybe guys that give good head are a good stepping off point...
posted by anthill at 10:37 AM on October 31, 2005
posted by anthill at 10:37 AM on October 31, 2005
Response by poster: Thanks everyone for the sound answers.
posted by anthill at 9:16 PM on October 31, 2005
posted by anthill at 9:16 PM on October 31, 2005
...or guys that give bad head are the final straw and incentive to find someone who really knows how to paddle the little man in the boat.
posted by plinth at 1:18 PM on November 3, 2005
posted by plinth at 1:18 PM on November 3, 2005
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by kcm at 5:15 PM on October 30, 2005